The eye of the tiger

Friday afternoon, heading in to Brisbane. Into the city, where it all happens, and where craziness is easily a messy state.. Especially when you're heading off with 2 lads from Cork and an Ozzie girl, who could easily pass as being Irish, when considering how much she loves going mental. I don't really know what we were planning and had no idea how big of a night it was going to be. Little did I know that it was the start of the wackiest weekend I've had in a long time.

We, Manny, Keryn, Jonnie and me went for drinks on Southbank, and met up with some of Keryns other mates. We started pretty early, so by 8 o'clock it felt like the middle of the night. There are too many details and I remember them all, but am not going to put them into words right here, but there's just one particular thing that needs some extra attention..

The place we were drinking at, was beside a market. It was all in full swing when Keryn came up after flying from one spot to another, all excited telling everyone that Manny has bought a tiger.. A tiger? What are ya talking about? A real one? How? What? And most importantly..Why?? Why would somebody buy a tiger?? Well, it turned out that it of course wasn't a real tiger and that it really wasn't a crazy thing to be doing, on a random Friday night as the beer was flowing so freely. It's pretty normal, considering the happiness we were all feeling. And when we were introduced to this beast of a teddy, we knew why Manny had gone to the trouble of buying him..

But the size of this tiger, kind of made it a challenge, when it came to getting ourselves back on the train once it was time to head to Keryns' place in Burpengary (the weirdest name I know, I reckon somewhere in the history of this place a person let a massive burp and his name could possibly have been Gary..), at around 11pm, too full of laughter to keep ourselves contained.

The four of us had been drinking for some hours, so yeah, there was a little buzz coming from either Pure Blonde, Carlton Draught or Champagne.. We walked through the city, at this early hour, with the tiger on our backs. To be honest it was actually Johnnie who took it upon himself to carry the tiger, who Manny ended up christening Roger by the way.

The train journey was one of the best I've ever had in my life. And I'm not even exaggerating. I've been on many tipsy train rides before, but this one journey is up there with the best. And it was all down to Roger, or maybe just down to Manny who wanted to buy Roger in the first place.. Either way, we welcomed Roger into our night of happiness. We brought him to Mac Donalds. We fed him burgers, we introduced him to strangers. We sat on his back, we danced with him, we made jokes with him. And he loved the attention. We could see how he was growing because of it.

Can you imagine.. 4 people and an overgrown stuffed teddy, making their way home whilst being surrounded by sober people and not having one ounce of shame, laughing their heads off and treating good old Roger like a real animal. The whole train was loving Roger. Some people even wanted us to take photo's of them with Roger, some people actually came from the adjoining carriages just to have a look at Roger. Sober people were actually petting him and totally in awe of this tiger. This could have been Rogers night to finally become famous.. And all we could do was laugh. It was just the funniest thing ever.

We went to where Gary had let a Burp somewhere in the history of this place, and the after party continued. It was just so funny. I don't know till what time we were up, but that didn't matter. Poor Roger was pretty tired though, after the long journey home. The next morning, Saturday, and for the rest of the day and night - as we unexpectedly kept the party going at Keryns place whilst having drunk so much the night before that all I needed was water and the alcohol was reactivated, then to abduct Trish, fire up a barbie and eventually get on the drink again - we couldn't get over that train journey home. We were still in fits just thinking about it and we all agreed that it was the best train ride ever..

Good old Roger was pretty quiet though, so we entertained ourselves until the sun came up. Manny then started to feel a little bit guilty for not paying that much attention to Roger, so he took him for walkies over the fence in the back garden, at 7 o'clock on Sunday morning. And by that stage we were so reluctant to get some sleep, that I wanted to head to the city again. But I was put to bed even though in my mind it was only 2 o'clock Saturday night. A short few hours later, waking up and simply not being able to not wanting to start again. It was time to head home, to Trish's house. We needed to be on safer ground again. That back garden in Keryn's house is such a dangerous place to be. Just like last weekend.. once you get stuck there, you just don't wanna leave. If it was because of missing Roger or because of the great company, who knows, but we had to leave and resist temptation..

So Sunday was a hazy day, as you can imagine. It was like I'd skipped a few days of my life and stepped into this zone for a while and didn't step out of it and land back on earth until waking up on Monday morning. What a weekend.. but I miss Roger..xxx

A different kind of travel

As I sit and think and ponder about my next step, I can't help feeling like I'm not doing enough. It comes from both myself and from others who I've traveled with, or others who travel. Me and them, or all of us, are so eager to experience and read about my adventures.We are all so willing for me to be the same as I was when I was here first time round. We might even want me to be approaching this journey with the same attitude as I did when I was here 2 years ago. But it's not the same, it simply can't be.

I have so much I want and need to say, but I can't. This blog is different from my last. I set it up, with a different reason. Everyone who is tuned into this blog, also followed my first blog. So it's common knowledge what my last one was about. The contents of the 2 blogs were worlds apart. Not only in space and time, but also in mind and spirit. This blog is "supposed" to look at the world differently. It's "supposed" to look at me differently. It's "supposed" to experience life differently. But maybe it's all not as different as I'm willing to admit. The person who is writing this is still the same person who wrote the last blog. It's still the same girl who wants to always get the most out of life. It's the same girl who experienced every detail that was described in the last blog. It's also still the same girl who was in Oz, 2 years ago. This girl is the same, but not really. This girl is different, but still the same.

Is everyone waiting for me to get a move on, and start this adventure? Or am I just waiting for me to get myself into gear and explode with glee for being able to go and be and experience everything I want? To me, the adventure has already started. Or it's just still continuing as it was my first blog that contained an adventure of a lifetime and this one is the same, but lighthearted and easy, compared to what I was first going through. I want to travel like I did 2 years ago, or maybe I just feel I have to travel like I did 2 years ago and it's not for the need of wanting to. Am I just seeing what others are seeing, and therefore feeling pressured into acting accordingly? Am I truly eager to get going or have I changed in such a way that the tiniest little things in life are enough to make feel like I'm living my dream? Or maybe I haven't changed at all and I will still want more and more as I travel around and will never be satisfied? I might even loose sight of how amazing it is that I've made it to Oz?

This time in Oz, can never be the same as it was when I was here 2 years ago. I've changed in such a way that time is no longer of the essence. There was a reason for me coming back here and it wasn't to get drunk.. Okay, if it happens, it happens and I still love to part and have fun and dance and meet new people. But my attitude and my way of thinking isn't like it was back then. I don't want it to be, because I know how I paid for it. Others who DON'T know the ins and outs of my past year, would expect me to be like I was back then. Others who DO know the ins and outs of my past year, would probably expect me to be even more driven to go absolutely bonkers now that I'm back in this brilliant country and have the energy and the freedom to do whatever I want.

Am I trying to live up to what others expect of me or am I trying to live up to what I expect of myself? Am I truly willing to go crazy or am I truly able to go crazy and therefore shocked that I'm not yet doing so? I can't be quite sure. But what I am sure of is that I'm excited for what's to come. I'm excited to get moving again and that's not taking any expectations from travel buddies or buddies in general, into account. It feels so natural for me to not feel or be or travel the way I did the first time I was here. Is there a rush? Not at all. Is there pressure? Maybe from myself, but it's because of what I feel I should be doing instead of what I truly want to do.

I don't want to travel the way I did the first time I was here. I was to appreciate every step of this journey. I want to embrace the fact that I made it here, to begin with. Instead of getting stressed out about what to do and where to go and how quick can I see as much of the country that I haven't yet seen. A question such as: "I'm eager to know if your second year in oz will be different from your first year" just gets to me. Especially coming from someone who knows how different I look at life right now. It can never be the same.

Just because I've started this new blog, doesn't mean that the past year didn't happen. Just because I'm here, doesn't mean that all my others emotions and issues are forgotten. Yes, I've dealt with them, and when they come up, I'll deal with them again. But it has still had a profound effect on my approach towards life. I might be here on a working holiday visa. But I'm not really classing myself as a backpacker. I might have a backpack, but that's it. I will be working at some stage in the near future, for short periods of time and moving from one spot to another, like I did before. But it's not the same, it can't be the same.

I know where these thoughts of me not doing enough are coming from. They are just old habits that are dying hard. As I already said, I'm still taking different steps that will help me in feeling more settled within myself after being through a rough year. So I'm adjusting. That's the reason why I'm feeling like I should be doing so much more. Soon I will actually not feel the need, but I'll also want to. Because there are 2 things that I'm currently working towards and hoping they will actually happen. If they don't, I have other plans. If they do, then this life is the more amazing than I thought.

I'm here in Oz to finish what I started. That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I've been given a second chance to experience Oz. So do I feel the adrenaline of being in a new country? I don't really have that. I feel more blessed than anything else. I felt that same feeling the first time too, but then I felt the pressure was on, to do and go and see and experience everything. Now there's no pressure. I know what I want to aim for and I don't feel like I'm on a timeframe, even though my visa in only for a year. That might be why I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough. The things I'm aiming for, are the things that are close to my heart. Whatever else comes along, is only a bonus, be it good or bad, or right or wrong. So time will tell if what I really want to happen, will come in to being or not. Time will tell.. there's no stress and there's no pressure. So all is well and good. I just have to be aware of the reasons as to why I'm doing what I'm doing..

Seeking

After the weekend, either losing focus or losing sleep. But that’s okay because I have all the time in the world, or in Australia, to catch-up on all of that. That’s all there is to do. I’m here now just over 2 weeks and it feels like so much longer. Is this good or bad? I reckon it’s a good thing. It means that I settled so quickly and easily into this life. And that’s always a good thing. I don’t really think back to my time in Ireland too much. When I do, it’s only to feel reassured that I am where I want to be. However reassurance isn’t something I need. So I don’t have to look back therefore when I do it might simply be because I can’t get my around the difference between how I felt in one place and how I feel right here.

I don’t miss Ireland, only certain people. I don’t miss Holland, only certain people. It’s only normal to miss the people and it comes with being away from home. But I don’t really feel like I’m away from home. Isn’t that only a feeling you have when you have a life to go back to? I don’t feel I do. There’s nothing in this world that’s pulling me back to what I once did or once had, how ever selfish that might sound. There are only the adventures that lie ahead that are pulling me towards them. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, than on this journey.

I don’t know when exactly I’m going to be heading where I’m supposed to be heading. But just to be on the road, even though I’m staying with Trish for now, is where I want and need to be. I’m settled in one spot for a short time. But it doesn’t feel bad. It only makes me want to aim for the next step. The one that will make me feel unsettled. Then I’m being challenged and can work on feeling settled again until I want and need to unsettle myself once more. I can feel at ease so easily in one place but just as easily and quickly I can feel uneasy in another place. It’s seeking a different environment, a different outlook, a different life based on short-term encounters with certain people, situations and events. It opens the eyes so briefly again with all the impressions that are so rich and so alive. Even if they are impressions that aren’t being seen for the first time, they can still feel like they are as it’s either been so long or they were so dearly missed.

I’ll go anywhere and do anything. That’s what I want and what I need. It’s like thrill seeking, because that’s all there is. I feel so blessed for being able to seek that thrill, that adventure, that uncertainty. I feel so rich because of it. I can revel in that fact, but only for so long. Once that has settled, the next step needs to be taken. I’m working on that step for the moment. Exactly how, what and when, I can’t say just yet. But as soon as I have a little bit more certainty, you will be the first to know.