Miss Brightside

Last October I set off in search of a place in the wild west of Ireland so I could live something of an idyllic ‘writers’ dream. I wanted to find a place with the Atlantic Ocean only a stone’s throw away with the wind always howling in the background. I wanted to be there, where the clouds would always be rolling, breaking without warning above the green fields and the scattered tiny cottages. 

I flocked – even though I wasn’t part of a herd of sheep – to the wild side so as to experience something I’d envisioned as being pure freedom of expression and creativity.

Years ago, I always thought I’d only follow that dream through, in 20 or 30 years from now… Well, needless to say, that dream came true a lot sooner than I’d expected at the grand age of 29! It’s true what they say: ‘ask and you shall receive’. And I did! So… who I was to question whether it was right or wrong, when the cottage in Athenry came falling from the sky, saving me gracefully, answering my request and providing the perfect setting for me to sit and write like there’d never be a tomorrow! I didn’t question! Instead I jumped at the chance! And by god, I’m delighted I did.

At the start of November I moved in, I created that space of expression, I worked hard, I wrote like there’d never be a tomorrow (or even a ‘later on’). Suddenly, when I reached the end of creating, I realized there WAS a ‘later on’… and there’d definitely be a tomorrow! But life didn’t seem to be light or bright if those tomorrows were going to be taking place in that space in the wild west!

That’s when suddenly a ‘scheduled’ 7 months turned into a perfect 3 month period; as the clearing work was complete (by ‘clearing work’ I mean: putting my deepest pains and lessons, once again, into ‘story format’). Along with finishing the writing, something else unsettled me: the cold that had seeped its way into my seemingly cosy cottage and further through the pours in my skin, taking up residence deep inside my bones to result in a level of tension and negativity that made it almost impossible for me to live, flow and simply love life in every way.

Both factors – the ‘end of clearing’ and the ‘nestling cold’ – coaxed me to open the door to the world beyond the cottage and take a peek at what else’s available. So I opened the door… mentally 3 weeks ago. But literally last Friday.

I opened it to find the ‘moving crew’ I’d called for help! Well, that crew was my mam and her car! But that was MORE than enough; I’d hardly anything to pack (it actually only took me only 3 hours on Friday morning to box everything and clear things up!). We’d filled her car by lunchtime and I said farewell to that chapter of my life. It was the easiest thing; no stress or regrets or torture on any level!

Once we’d made our way across the country and landed in Arklow, unloading the car and filling up my tiny little box room in my mam’s house with (still only) the few boxes of things I’ve accumulated over the past years, was effortless. All in a day’s work! Literally. 

The following morning I woke up and I thought I’d landed myself in heaven. I couldn’t believe how my perspective totally changed! I was suddenly able to MOVE… not only into the next chapter of my life but also freely around the house without the cold pushing me to ONLY sit curled up in a blanket almost 24 hours a day! I never realized how all-consuming it can be to live in a cold home nor how restrictive life can become. Since then, I’ve been physically releasing the cold from deep within my bones and because it was nestled, letting it go has made me feel partially re-energized, but also drained and in need of sleep, sleep, sleep and more sleep. So, since landing in Arklow, that’s what I’ve been doing: re-fuelling, reheating and relaxing.  

Looking back, Athenry already feels like a different lifetime. I’ll never be sorry for the experience! No way. It was perfect. I HAD to live that dream so I could wake myself up the reality: such a secluded existence isn’t necessarily an idyllic one. We have to try different styles of living, to realize if they’re for us or not. Every person is different. And at different times in our lives, different lifestyles can feel more fitting. From my own perspective, for the winter of 2012 it was fitting and for the spring of 2013 it no longer was. So I made it happen at the right time in my life. If I’d not have followed it through, I’d have felt this past year in Ireland to have fallen short of such a unique experience. 

As well, I’ve learned there aren’t any laws or rules stating HOW or WHERE a story should be brought into form. It can be done anywhere in the world, in any situation and can take however long a person needs. Because if the intention to write sits within the heart of a person, and if that person is tuned-in to that space, then it won’t matter what else is happening, or where they may be: the writing will need to unfold either way. I realize there’s no escape. And I'm happy, relieved and elevated in that realization. No matter how much I force myself to stay in one place, or how envision and pursue the dreams of travel; the writing will simply always be there.

In having said that, I know it’s not who I AM. But it's merely a form of self-expression that elevates and cleanses. So I’m no longer going to delude myself into thinking that it’s ‘all’ I’m good for in this world. Thinking along those lines, means I’m limiting myself and losing a spark of life from inside. And this is exactly what I’ve been feeling for months: a missing spark. Therefore, when life came knocking on the cottage door telling me to come out and play again, I felt it was time to explore other aspects of myself. And I am. I’m moving onwards in to the light and operating from a brighter space in my mind. That can only mean that my physical reality will reflect the light I feel I’m rekindling inside again.

Heavy winter

I’ve been hugely stuck-in to writing, throughout these past few weeks; up at 5am and working through till lunch. It’s been transporting me to other places and in my mind I’ve been travelling everywhere, because of the topic I’m writing about. It’s actually, for once, NOT making me want to board a plane. It’s not unsettling and instead it’s grounding and elevating to be working through this stuff.

But to be suddenly jolted back to the present moment, is always quite shocking; especially to look out the window and see those grey skies (that are becoming way too familiar…) 

Those skies are also the reason for me to be wrapped up in a blanket keeping warm. I’m in and out of feeling cold, at the moment. And it's draining at the best of times. My body feels quite contracted and tensed too. But I’m totally accepting it and I wouldn't trade places with anybody! This whole 'cottage experience' in the winter time, is quite a learning curve. I'm realizing just how big an effect a season can have on a person and their overall frame of mind. Therefore it’s perfect that the writing is transporting me. Because, without it, the winter would feel to be suffocating me and the darkness would be sitting on my head. I’m doing all I can to avoid that from happening. Most days it’s almost effortless, but on others, I have the strangest feeling of… being a hermit whose storing, waiting patiently, refuelling, possessed by words and shifting motions inside that throw me off my course for a short while, until it’s time to do what I can to get myself back in the flow again.

It’s been 2 years since I’ve had such dark days and I was never living in the countryside with only ‘me, myself and I’ for company. Every other winter in Ireland so far, I didn’t HAVE to step outside the front door to connect with people face to face – and only now am I realizing that it’s definitely what a person needs when their 'work' is to be stuck inside their own head, writing about deep stuff, for 5 and 6 hours a day.

I have to be so careful, not to let myself become too disconnected from where I am. I have to have a balance. I can only maintain that by ‘finding’ local people to greet on the street. And, luckily it happens every time. I must say, the people here are the friendliest you’ll find anywhere in Ireland. Anytime I seek something of a connection, I’m greeted by every single stranger I pass. They’re so warm in fact, that an outsider would be daunted by their friendliness. So I feel quite at home, here in the town, yet I’m not a part of it. Just like I feel quite at home here in the cottage, yet I’m not a part of this tiny ‘community'. I’ve not had a conversation with any of the people living around me so far. It’s not that I don’t want to connect, on the contrary! It simply hasn’t happened. People come and go, doing their daily business, just as I do. If it so happens that I bump into any of the neighbours, it’s in brief passing or from a distance and a conversation hasn’t really come of it. But that's fine too... If I'm meant to meet them, I will. And until then, I'll keep making the effort to connect and feel uplifted by the openness and warm hearts of the ‘village people’!

Isn’t it crazy how a simple ‘hello’ can become a word to save a person from falling way too deep into a disconnected world of doubt? And when it happens, I thank the heavens above that I’m in Ireland, even if the skies are grey and my toes are blue. None of that matters, when I'm able to count the sparks that come from the people on the street who smile and ask ‘How are you?’… I’m actually always tempted to spill how I literally AM feeling in that moment, when they ask this… But that’s not why they ask of course; it’s just their way of giving another person recognition. Little do they realize just how much this person needs that friendly gesture. God, how appreciative a ‘hermit’ can become, for such a recognizing ‘how are you?’ to remind them that they're still a part of this world here on Irish soil! 

For now, I'll keep things going as they are, taking it one day at a time. And at the end of next week, I'm off to Holland for Christmas. After that, I'll be going on a 10-day meditation course to Belgium, which won’t see me back in Ireland until the 6^th of January. Hopefully I’ll have most of the first draft on paper before then – without putting myself under too much pressure. So the temporary hibernation-mode is needed… for now.  

The tears and joys of writing

I never realized, or at least I’d forgotten, how relieving it can be to release an emotional blockage that’s been stuck for so long. 

This week, I’ve been working through a writer’s block. And holy smoke, I never realized how much it was holding me back and weighing me down. But, at the same time, I never realized how hard I’d have to work to get passed it. At the beginning of August I closed the concept of the second book I’d started working on. 3 months passed by and I was unable to go near it. I’d lost the mojo, lost focus, was totally distracted but still knew that working passed that block was one of the main things I needed to do. It was the main thing that brought me to this cottage… so I couldn’t cop out when the going got tough.

Throughout the past 10 days, the going got seriously tough. I’ve been emotional, stuck, trying to restart the book, lost and searching the kitchen cupboards for answers. Well, Niamh, you aint gonna find the answers in the presses are ya! Nope! The only thing that told me was that I was deeply dissatisfied with myself due to holding myself back, when I know full well, with all my heart, that I’m more than capable to see this book through! And finally… last weekend it happened. I opened it up again, I took it slowly though. 1 day at a time, gently gently. I started going over what I wrote all those months ago and was totally shocked, surprised and massively motivated by what I came across! 

During this past week it was taking up momentum. Most mornings, I’d be up at 6am, skip morning meditation, but instead dive straight into the laptop… meaning a whole days work would be done by 10.30am! Yay! This morning, Sunday, same thing. And I totally cracked it today. Today I overcame the sorest spot of the book so far, the spot that’s been lingering and loitering in my mind for past 3 whole months! And today I broke FREE!!!! Oh my god… There’s nothing more clearing, more liberating or exhilarating than that. Really… and I’m not even exaggerating.

The whole book has opened up now and with that I’m able to face my whole personal world in the face! My past, my present, my future! Why was it so excruciating to get through to this point though? Because I realized today, due to writing about my experiences, there’s huge emotional attachment to ‘things’ that haven’t been dealt with in the way I’m accustomed to. With a block, instead of clearing and cleansing and freeing myself, I’m letting things fester away, weighing heavy on my heart and blocking my visions as to how things can flow forward. Wouw… it amazes me, everytime, just how delicate this process is.

The place I’m at has made this possible; it’s just me, alone… living in the most perfect place of peace… Yes, so peaceful. But it was only once I realized how peaceful this setting is, just how little at peace I myself was at. There was little of the tranquillity I was seeing around me, to be seen within me. Then it became obvious just how my mind was letting my fears drown out that silence and blind me to this beautiful place. Having nowhere to run to, this situation has made me sit it out, it’s made me face this emotional block and work through it. And today was the biggest break I’ve had. Amazing!

I’m open now to seeing that I have to be writing this book for myself. Yes, of course I’ll eventually try and hope to get it published. But at this moment, it’s more for me to make peace with this path. And in that sense, I’m free to let it flow the way I want it to. Suddenly expectations cease to exist and boundaries fall away as to how far I can go. There’s no pressure as to how fast I must ‘produce’. It’s simply me, seeing what I’m made of as a writer, tapping in to what I’ve so far come to learn and to maybe astound myself in how I bring it together. So exciting… and I’m MORE than blessed for this experience. 

Creating... HEAT

It’s been 5 days since I moved from east to west; from Arklow to Athenry. Can I call the little cottage 'home' already? Slowly it’s starting to feel that way. The first day or so, I was in total limbo. During the second, I was on the move… or, the furniture was on the move and I was trying to arrange it in a way that would bring the purpose of this whole move to Athenry, into this space (I basically figured I can’t sit and write, if the space isn’t set-up properly). So on day 2 and 3 I was on a mission... moving, rearranging, sitting, standing, checking every set-up from every angle and trying to make best use of the area and the furniture. I was like a whirlwind. At one stage I didn’t think I’d find the right arrangement. Panic panic panic… Help! Somebody… Second opinion?!??! But nope, I had to do this alone. And suddenly I cracked it! Yes!  And oh, how the whole house feels to have changed since the furniture has been properly set-up and things have been laid out to mark the place as being (temporarily) my own little sanctuary. 

On the 4^th day, yoga was coming to mind… ‘Oh god… it’s been a week since my last practise and I’m missing it...’ Huummm… This was a huge barrier to overcome. Because - even though this place is perfect in almost every way - it’s freezing cold… Since the first day it's been a challenge to prevent the cold from seeping through me, but it’s like it’s rooted itself in my bones, paralyzing me almost when it comes to being able to move freely. 

Referring to yoga, I realized how much I want and need to keep practising. But, at the same time, I realized how much of a challenge it would be, to practise in a relaxed sense, if I’m constantly feeling tension in my muscles. A part of me thought to accept that it’s not doable – six months without yoga is easy! But then a larger part of me thought this morning: ‘I don’t care… This cold ISN’T gonna kill me and I want to do yoga! (I might shrivel in the process…but that’s probably the worst that could happen). So I rearranged the spare room to make it more spacious, I rolled out the yoga mat and took of my dressing gown and slippers (oh my holy smoke… as I was doing this, I was looking outside… the frost was covering the trees and with that I felt my muscles so tense due to the outside temperature slowly creeping into this space… ouch!). But I happily convinced myself that this is simply a case of ‘mind over matter’. The more I tell myself I’m cold, the colder I’ll be. The more I tell myself I’m warm, the warmer I’ll be. (Isn't it so easy to babble the theory like this...?! But putting it into practise is a whole different ballgame...)

So… there I went… Stretching into the sun salutations… Oh how I love love love this! At the same time I was wishing for the flow of energy to warm me from the inside out. I switched-off to the sight and feeling of my toes slowly turning white with every salutation I did… Every other part of me was warming up nicely and I was feeling a whole lot better about the temperature. I wasn’t as tense, I was open again, tuning in to my body – and it wasn’t because of it being slightly frozen ;) but because of the practise itself. Amazing… It gave me such a boost to realize that I CAN be fine with the cold if I just relax into it and STOP rejecting and fearing it. I’d like to add, that afterwards - with toes that were now turning purple - I jumped into a hot shower (which is probably going AGAINST everything they teach regarding yoga practise… ‘never shower afterwards’… but… again, I thought… I don’t care!).

Reading this, you’d probably think I’ve moved to the Antarctic or somewhere like that. Well, that’s not the case… (not yet anyhow ;) Instead I’m just living in the west of Ireland where it rains a lot (meaning it’s a damp climate and therefore the weather feels to be colder than it actually is). The cottage is also in the middle of a woodland area, meaning there’s little shelter around; no houses, no enclosure. And the walls aren't greatly insulated, so the heat escapes. Wouw… and how this ‘cold’ has brought me to visit many places in my head (which doesn’t help when a person is trying to settle into one particular spot on this planet… Soooooo contradictive!) Anyhow... The first few days I was in India… where feeling warmth is just as natural as breathing air. I’ve been in Spain… where the winters are mild. I’ve been running away to another apartment, just to have a more dependable source of heat… And I wondered… ‘Why did I choose to stay in Ireland for the winter?!?!?!’ 

The whole ‘heating challenge’ is raised a few notches, given the fact that I’m the worst person when the cold kicks in. My feet become instant blocks of ice even when it’s nowhere near freezing. My hands crumble, my skin turns to sandpaper and my muscles ache. I’ve had a cold nose for days now… (except for when I nearly sat on top of the open fire here last night... suddenly it was burning… much to my delight!). 

Heating is something I’ve never appreciated before… Or, something I’ve massively appreciated but have never been responsible for creating myself! Wouw… What a wise lesson this is for me. Yes, because suddenly, for the first time in my life, it’s up to me, and me alone, to keep myself warm this winter. Nobody else is going to light my fires! Nobody else is going to turn the only radiator in the cottage, up to full blast. Nobody else is going to pay the bill. Nobody else is going to buy woolly jumpers, tights, pj’s and (more) blankets. Nobody else is going to regulate or control the heat that fills this space. Only me… 

Just as I’m writing this, I feel like an 18 year old girl, stepping out in to the world for the first time. But then again, who cares…?! I accept that this is how I’m feeling and it’s making me feel so strong as I’m slowly seeing that I CAN do this and be totally self-sufficient, in every which way. I also realize now, the more I reject the cold, the harder this is going to be. So I have to steer my focus  away from it, otherwise I’ll forget what all of this is in aid of… 

And when I look at how I’ve arranged my space, when I focus on what I want to be doing, when I cherish the freedom I have to do and be as I wish, when I feel the excitement that comes when I’m cooking dinner in my own kitchen… and when I DO feel the heat coming from the fire that I, myself, have lit… then wouw… everything makes sense and I'm reminded of the purpose. Throughout the past days I’ve already learned so much and for that, I’m massively grateful. I know I’m still settling, still finding what works best and how to create the comfort I need, so it’s fine… 

As well, this morning, doing the yoga, was the ultimate test and a huge break through because I passed with flying colours and I really CAN move freely in this home, without being paralyzed and crippled by the cold. I awakened something of an inner heat and inner power. And now I just need to keep it close, so I can put it into the work I want to be doing, as I continue to settle… The process is unfolding, which will be constantly changing, ONLY for the better. Happy and (warm) days await!    

Progression

At the end of October I’ll be moving into the little cottage in Athenry. I didn’t want to stay in Galway until that time. I’d had enough of roaming the streets, searching for sanity and places to write whilst coffee-shop-hopping. I couldn’t ‘do’ city life or hostel life anymore. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, unable to relate with the world or the people around me. I was getting flattened by everything, no longer on top of life and the pace was way too fast - even though Galway city is known to have a chilled-out vibe. I never imagined that being in a city for only 2 weeks would turn out to be so draining. Because, at one stage, I literally felt I was running the rat race of life, on a treadmill with 1000s and 1000s of others… But, unlike most, I was aware of it and therefore desperately trying to get off! 

When I found the cottage in Athenry I knew the race was slowing down and soon I’d be changing the pace again. Yes, that cottage was apparently what I’d been looking for. I can see now that I really DID put myself in hostel life in search for something. I wasn’t sure if it was physical travel (so as to experience space and a free existence) OR if it was just ANY space on earth where I could just be me. Without forcing, as a result of having lost myself in the city, what I was desperately searching for was given to me… and I’m so relieved that – for now – the search for a place of space has complete itself.  

So, during those 2 weeks in Galway I found what I needed. Last Saturday I left the city; I didn’t want to waste more time and energy forcing myself to be somewhere I no longer wanted to be. So I came to Arklow for a few weeks, giving myself time to sort out some practical bits and pieces and to pack up my ‘stuff’ (not that I’ve a lot… I travel lightly!). But most importantly it's to spend time with my sisters and their little kiddies who just so happen to be over from Holland during these weeks. I’ll be here until the end of October and on the 1^st of November I’ll be moving over to Athenry.

Things really are falling into place. And I’m at the start of something big. It’s like – and I know this will sound silly – for the first time I’m truly becoming self-reliant and independent. That does sound strange, especially since I’ve been travelling by myself for the past years. But this time it’s different; simply because it’s Ireland and because what I’m intending to follow through, and to actually materialize, is what’s been sitting inside, waiting for expression and wishing for growth for so long. 

For years, we can dream of these things to happen, we can hope, wish and pray them into existence… And then when the journey unfolds in such a manner that EVERYTHING we need in this physical world comes to us so we can fulfil those dreams, hopes and wishes… it’s like: wouw… can we actually DO this? But there’s no time for second guessing and pondering, we can’t go back nor do we want to. The intentions of a person’s life have been set firmly into place in an inner space and we have to follow them through. Then, only as time passes, can we realize if we’re strong and courageous enough to keep going in that direction, leaving outside influences for what they are – things that don’t affect us – and let the mystery unfold.

At times it’s as though I’m pressing the ‘play’ button, after having ‘paused’ everything throughout these past months. I’m restarting things; the writing that I’ve been forced (by something of a gut feeling) to put on pause; the yoga that I’ve been wanting to expand into but have struggled with; the reading that I can't seem to let myself do; the creations in the kitchen and on the blank canvasses. I’ve been making excuses when it comes to doing any of these things… saying: ‘The space isn’t right…’ And now that the space is coming, I guess I’m going to find out whether or not it was the environment around me that temporarily stopped the creativity to be flowing or whether it was just me.

I know that everything we experience ALWAYS starts inside; what we see around us is a reflection of what’s going on within us. But what if the environment is so overpowering in the sense that it brings our old energy to the surface and we can’t help but be held back by that old force (that’s actually a fear) and those old ways? What then? If this is the case, are we meant to force ourselves to stay in that environment and overcome the challenge so as to grow beyond those old ways of life? Or… do we simply… relieve ourselves from the situation? Well, I believed I needed to constantly confront that energy, and grow and progress… But, if we know that we flourish when we’re in a different setting, then we simply need to change it. And then, what’s meant to be will always appear. 

We’re not meant to remain in places and situations that are holding us back, ESPECIALLY if we’re aware that it’s happening. Because if we’re aware and we remain ‘stuck’, we’re our own worst enemy… punishing ourselves for the sake of… progress and growth? But holy smoke… Life can be, and is meant to be, so simple! If we’re connected to our own truth and living from that space, we know what’s what, we know what’s not. We ‘simply’ must be brave enough to break away and follow what’s right. And this is what I’m doing. Finally I’m doing what I want. I’m breaking away from making decisions based on fear and I’m moving towards a life that’s only lived through making choices based on truth. Because, to be honest, I don’t see the point in anything anymore, if I don’t follow my own ways.

The move that’s approaching is for me to continue accepting who I am, what I must do and what I can give to others. I can only find this, realize this and give full life to this, by creating a space where creations can come alive. Of course I don’t know if I can live up to what I’ve been dreaming of, been longing for and been wishing into existence. But I won’t know unless I try! What’s meant to be, will appear... And on that note, I’ll sign off for now with a big smile and deep trust that the mystery comes with every step.