A mood as low as the fields of Athenry

It really is true that a new year brings new things to enter. But before we can actually get on with new things and let them unfold, we have to move on from something that suddenly has become old.

Last week, I felt things had changed in the cottage. It wasn’t only because I finished the first draft of the sequel. No. It was more than that. At first, I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. But soon it became clear. I simply wasn’t happy in those circumstances anymore. When I initially realized I wasn’t happy, I was ‘set’ on doing everything I could, just to stay there in a positive frame of mind and not let my landlady down by moving onwards sooner than we’d agreed. But I realized I wasn’t doing myself any favours if I were to force myself to stay. Because, in being totally honest, I felt I’d stopped living, I felt isolated, uninspired, lost, disconnected, cold and alone. I got tangled in this spiral of negative thinking that was starting to swallow me. It became nearly impossible to shake.

I think I’ve grown-up enough to follow through the things in life that are ONLY making me happy; finally I’m done with self-torture and self-created limitations. 

So… in realizing I wanted to leave, I could put this to the test... And I passed with flying colours! Without ignoring my feelings, and with little procrastination, I told the landlady that my circumstances had changed and I’d have to go to back Arklow at the end of the month. Only by having done that my life has been lifted from my shoulders!

This happened last week. Was I instantly feeling sane again? At times yes. But other times, I was (and still am) trapped in that spiral of self-destructive thinking. Even though the change has been set in motion and I’m becoming unstuck and free again, it’s a change that kind of came out of nowhere; I thought this set-up would be in place for the next 5 months! I thought I’d be happy to keep giving my full focus to both books. But I’m not. Yes, writing is amazing. But it’s not everything. It’s something I can only focus on for so long and THEN new experiences need to be welcomed. As well, I need space and distance from what I’ve so far put on paper. Writing that second story was a deep journey; in ways I think I shocked my system and stretched my potential. And now my mind simply isn’t capable of working on the next step (which would be editing it). It’s simply too overwhelming.

The change being so unforeseen, meant I thought, only up until 2 weeks ago, that I'd have months to consider what to do next with my life and where to go. But suddenly, needing to move onwards, means a choice needs to be made in what direction. 

Being so isolated, there was nobody to tell me where to go or what to do. It's totally up to me and me alone to figure out what I want and I only I can start making that happen. But that's quite tough, when a person is operating from such a negative frame, without the normal 'spark of life' to make things fall into place.

In being alone and facing honestly what was going on, I realized that, all along, I’ve known what I want. I knew I’d always travel again. Even before I started writing, I knew I’d leave. But only now I see how many fears I’d created in my mind, over the past year, in regards to travel…!!! I’d convinced myself travel was ‘bad’ for me and I wasn’t meant to be moving… Travel was ‘supposedly’ ‘Niamh running away from herself’. But travel has been my greatest teacher! So how can it be bad? Yet I’d made myself believe that getting on a plane was the wrong thing to do and I thought I’d be failing if I didn’t keep trying my best to stay in Ireland. I know now though that I’d be an even greater ‘failure’ in my own eyes, if I were to ignore what my heart is telling me to do, instead of trying to do what others ‘think’ an (almost) 30 year old ‘should’ to be doing with her life.

To simplify things: I stayed, because it wasn’t time to leave. And it was good that I did. And now I’ll leave because it isn’t time to stay. It’s so simple…

Things can be so EASY, when we get ourselves out of the way and do what we really want to do!

Anyhow… now that I know I DO want to move onwards, I’m choosing to go ONWARDS to Arklow. I know this will unsettle me and I’ll get moving. Step by step, I can shake how stagnant I feel life, or I’ve, become. Staying with my mam for the next few months, I can make plans, get my finances into gear, open myself up more to the world and connect with people on a daily basis (which is something I’ve missed out on quite a bit!). I can soon step out beyond Ireland once again, without feeling I’m doing something ‘wrong’. No. I'm going with the flow. That's what life is all about; it's for living, for connecting and sharing who we are. 

There’s a time for closing the door the world, and seeing what we ourselves are capable of. When that closure has let us reach our potential, it’s then time to live the change, to open the door to the world again and see what’s out there.

Opening up

Yesterday could’ve been a day to jump for joy, to shout to the heavens above, to ring everybody I know, to post 50 updates on Facebook and to scream in excitement for having finally finished something I’ve been working on for months. But I didn’t have any outbursts at all. Yesterday, when I wrote the last paragraph of the book I've been so focused on, I didn’t feel liberated, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, free… I just felt… fine. All in a day’s work I guess… Now what????

This feeling of calm control was far from what I’d expected myself to experience, when I first started writing it, all those months ago. Especially given how elated and on top of the world I felt when I completed the very first draft of Digesting Wisdom. But the second time round – even if it’s a different story – doesn’t feel half as exhilarating. It’s just… normal.

Actually, I was a little shocked, at how much work I was able to do since coming back from Belgium, given how unsettled I was feeling. But it happened, without pressure or effort. In a way, it’s a relief that it’s over now; it’s at least out of my head and on paper. And I know that the road a book must travel, from it’s very first draft, to finally be printed, is a long one. So, I’m not expecting miracles to happen overnight and I’m not going to push or force this book to the shelves. Because, yesterday I realized: how on earth can the sequel get to the people, if the first title is hardly acknowledged?!?!? A reality-check came through… (even if, of course, it’s vital in life to ALWAYS expect miracles – only then can we be taken to different levels in our experiences). But at the moment, this is how it stands; if I want to get another book out, I HAVE to work with what’s already available. Only THEN can the sequel be welcomed and flow more easily.

As I’m writing this, my direction in life, seems pretty clear. But over the past week I’ve actually felt more disoriented and a little without purpose. Things have changed, by themselves, since I've come back. My perception has altered somewhat... God, how much can a person want in this life! I just completed another book, for crying out loud!!! And EVEN STILL I claim so hopelessly that I’m without direction!  

Well, I’m not here to beat myself up over what feelings have been coming through. Instead they need to be acknowledged. Only then can I realize, that yes, my life is changing, on its own accord. So, it must be what I need. My situation and focus are shifting… And that feeling of disorientation has been coming exactly on time: when one thing in my life has completed itself, instantly there's space for other things to enter. And this is the point where I say: I look ahead and opportunities are everywhere, the road is open, the future (and therefore ALWAYS the present) is bright… But it may be SO bright, that I can’t see what’s ahead! I’m blinded by this light… And have never felt to be so in the dark, as a result.

My usual reaction to this is to get on a plane, travel and I’ll find the answers. I’ve been tempted to... I've wanted to surf the internet for jobs abroad, to go teaching again, to find volunteer placements maybe. But I’m consciously NOT doing that (well, not yet anyhow)… I’m waiting patiently… Because the internet overwhelms me with things I ‘MUST’ do. I get more lost, frustrated and blind to what’s around me. This is something I’m trying to avoid… I don’t want to miss my life, here and now, by searching everywhere for what I want to pursue in life. And since when can Mr. Google give me the answers? I’m not dissing him, of course… but, I can't expect him to tell me what’s in my heart or where my focus should be turning towards. 

The fact that I’m waiting patiently for answers, doesn’t mean I’m being a lazy bum, and not DOING in order to get things moving… But, before taking action, I have to be clear, within myself, what it is I want. As well, I STILL have to take my current circumstances into account and realize that I don’t have the finances (yet) to move away (not if I don’t have a job waiting). I’ve also committed myself to this little cottage, until May (the notion of being here till then, has only recently started to feel suffocating... Oh god… here she goes again, creating her own misery in a space she once needed and loved so much). Along with that, I’ve also got a book that’s on the shelves (partially) BUT still in need of a great publicity boost. So I can’t go anywhere. I’d be turning my back, way too soon… No, when it comes to moving, it needs to be so I can bring what I’ve started, along with me… without neglecting what I’ve set in motion. 

So I know I have to stick it out and wait patiently. Maybe I’m already answering my own questions here: the road is open, I’m not sure of my direction, it’s not YET time to move, I’ll only travel once the first book receives a few boosts… Hummm… maybe that’s it… It could be so simple… And I guess it is… if I stop trying to figure out the hows, whens, wheres and whys. I’ve to keep trusting that the answers are inside… I can’t force them to the surface, I can only be aware of what I feel and look for signs in the world around me to guide me onwards. I can only use what’s available to me, here and now, to move me onwards. So I won’t run to the airport, hoping that a flight will direct me to the place I’m meant to be. Because, even if I feel unsettled right now, I know this is where I’m meant to be… lost in the dark, blinded by the light and patiently waiting for it to dim, so I can see the next step. (this is actually making me feel more excited, than I did yesterday, when the last chapter was written!!!!). Happy days as always.

Progression

At the end of October I’ll be moving into the little cottage in Athenry. I didn’t want to stay in Galway until that time. I’d had enough of roaming the streets, searching for sanity and places to write whilst coffee-shop-hopping. I couldn’t ‘do’ city life or hostel life anymore. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, unable to relate with the world or the people around me. I was getting flattened by everything, no longer on top of life and the pace was way too fast - even though Galway city is known to have a chilled-out vibe. I never imagined that being in a city for only 2 weeks would turn out to be so draining. Because, at one stage, I literally felt I was running the rat race of life, on a treadmill with 1000s and 1000s of others… But, unlike most, I was aware of it and therefore desperately trying to get off! 

When I found the cottage in Athenry I knew the race was slowing down and soon I’d be changing the pace again. Yes, that cottage was apparently what I’d been looking for. I can see now that I really DID put myself in hostel life in search for something. I wasn’t sure if it was physical travel (so as to experience space and a free existence) OR if it was just ANY space on earth where I could just be me. Without forcing, as a result of having lost myself in the city, what I was desperately searching for was given to me… and I’m so relieved that – for now – the search for a place of space has complete itself.  

So, during those 2 weeks in Galway I found what I needed. Last Saturday I left the city; I didn’t want to waste more time and energy forcing myself to be somewhere I no longer wanted to be. So I came to Arklow for a few weeks, giving myself time to sort out some practical bits and pieces and to pack up my ‘stuff’ (not that I’ve a lot… I travel lightly!). But most importantly it's to spend time with my sisters and their little kiddies who just so happen to be over from Holland during these weeks. I’ll be here until the end of October and on the 1^st of November I’ll be moving over to Athenry.

Things really are falling into place. And I’m at the start of something big. It’s like – and I know this will sound silly – for the first time I’m truly becoming self-reliant and independent. That does sound strange, especially since I’ve been travelling by myself for the past years. But this time it’s different; simply because it’s Ireland and because what I’m intending to follow through, and to actually materialize, is what’s been sitting inside, waiting for expression and wishing for growth for so long. 

For years, we can dream of these things to happen, we can hope, wish and pray them into existence… And then when the journey unfolds in such a manner that EVERYTHING we need in this physical world comes to us so we can fulfil those dreams, hopes and wishes… it’s like: wouw… can we actually DO this? But there’s no time for second guessing and pondering, we can’t go back nor do we want to. The intentions of a person’s life have been set firmly into place in an inner space and we have to follow them through. Then, only as time passes, can we realize if we’re strong and courageous enough to keep going in that direction, leaving outside influences for what they are – things that don’t affect us – and let the mystery unfold.

At times it’s as though I’m pressing the ‘play’ button, after having ‘paused’ everything throughout these past months. I’m restarting things; the writing that I’ve been forced (by something of a gut feeling) to put on pause; the yoga that I’ve been wanting to expand into but have struggled with; the reading that I can't seem to let myself do; the creations in the kitchen and on the blank canvasses. I’ve been making excuses when it comes to doing any of these things… saying: ‘The space isn’t right…’ And now that the space is coming, I guess I’m going to find out whether or not it was the environment around me that temporarily stopped the creativity to be flowing or whether it was just me.

I know that everything we experience ALWAYS starts inside; what we see around us is a reflection of what’s going on within us. But what if the environment is so overpowering in the sense that it brings our old energy to the surface and we can’t help but be held back by that old force (that’s actually a fear) and those old ways? What then? If this is the case, are we meant to force ourselves to stay in that environment and overcome the challenge so as to grow beyond those old ways of life? Or… do we simply… relieve ourselves from the situation? Well, I believed I needed to constantly confront that energy, and grow and progress… But, if we know that we flourish when we’re in a different setting, then we simply need to change it. And then, what’s meant to be will always appear. 

We’re not meant to remain in places and situations that are holding us back, ESPECIALLY if we’re aware that it’s happening. Because if we’re aware and we remain ‘stuck’, we’re our own worst enemy… punishing ourselves for the sake of… progress and growth? But holy smoke… Life can be, and is meant to be, so simple! If we’re connected to our own truth and living from that space, we know what’s what, we know what’s not. We ‘simply’ must be brave enough to break away and follow what’s right. And this is what I’m doing. Finally I’m doing what I want. I’m breaking away from making decisions based on fear and I’m moving towards a life that’s only lived through making choices based on truth. Because, to be honest, I don’t see the point in anything anymore, if I don’t follow my own ways.

The move that’s approaching is for me to continue accepting who I am, what I must do and what I can give to others. I can only find this, realize this and give full life to this, by creating a space where creations can come alive. Of course I don’t know if I can live up to what I’ve been dreaming of, been longing for and been wishing into existence. But I won’t know unless I try! What’s meant to be, will appear... And on that note, I’ll sign off for now with a big smile and deep trust that the mystery comes with every step.  

Where trust can lead

Saturday afternoon I finally packed my backpack and moved to another hostel. All it took was literally a 200m walk from one corner of Eyre square to the other… It was a tiny distance but still the difference between probably one of the worst hostels in Galway city and one of the best! This new hostel (Kinlay Hostel) – reviewed as being the best in Galway city – really does live up to its reputation. The cleanliness, friendliness and – most importantly – the space, is amazing! The atmosphere is so fresh and positive… and I’ve been feeling a lot better since the move. Life has become so much lighter. The city feels less invasive. I’ve not been roaming the streets as much, I’ve not been losing myself as often as before and I’ve been sleeping more and focussing better. So I’m moving in the right direction (even if I don’t yet have space for meditating and yoga practise, but for now I have to be fine with that because I know for sure my circumstances are changing and daily practise will soon resume… I’ve total faith that things are moving in that direction).

Over the weekend, as I was feeling more positive and clearer about things, I was processing and reflecting on this entire situation and this is what I came to: I made a promise to myself that if I wasn’t to find a place within the following 12 days, I’d start making plans to travel abroad. I was putting total trust in the ‘fact’ that my search for space would complete itself, if Ireland was my place, at this moment in time. If it was meant to be, I’d find a place that would feel right, instantly. If something feels right, then there’s never a need to analyse, persuade and convince ourselves that it’s the right thing to do… we just ‘know’… without needing to explain. 

But before making any rash decisions, I really WAS going to make a big effort in finding a temporary place to live, here in the west - preferably one of Galway’s surrounding towns. 

I turned on my laptop on Monday morning. I hopped on the housing website and the first thing I saw was a holiday cottage available for ‘short term’ rent (meaning 6 to 8 months). I called the owner straight away, arranged a viewing and an hour later I was on the bus heading to see this little cottage. It was the strangest bus journey… It was a dreary day; raining, dark and damp. I was the only passenger, the bus driver spoke with such a strong country accent that I couldn’t understand him… I was exhausted, low on energy, not even thinking or expecting anything from the viewing… At moments I even forgot why I was actually on the bus, just for being lost in my own confusion… I was soon snapped out of my daze, when the bus driver mumbled something. I’m gathering he was telling me that we at our destination: Athenry. 

30 minutes east of Galway city… Athenry town. I’d never been before and only knew if from the song that sings ‘…loooooooow lieeeeeee the fiiiiieeeeeelds of Athenryyyyyyyyyy…’ (I love that ballad by the way… anytime I’ve been travelling, hearing this song would always bring me bouts of homesickness… it’s so earthly, so Irish, so moving). Anyhow… it’s a quint town, very ‘country’. I asked for directions from a local man who runs a little tea and gift shop in the centre of town (I was tempted to order tea and have a chat… but thought best to keep on moving!) The place I was looking for was apparently only a 10 min walk. Brilliant! So I went on my way, feeling better already. Regardless of what was to come from the viewing, I was upbeat again, just for moving myself forward and trying to make things work in some way… 

Before I knew where I was, I came across a sign: Caheroyan house. Yes!! The sign brought me down this little winding pathway, steering into a woodland area, overshadowed by huge trees with the red leaves. Everything was becoming more quiet… Wouw… I felt… so… relieved… as I walked that pathway… Hummm… This little walk alone was soothing… Was I finding a hidden little gem?? I was wary to jump the gun and run away with myself. So, I let-go of expectations and stayed in the moment. 

Suddenly I reached the end of the winding path and was faced with a property that can only be described as an 18^th century restored ‘manor’ with a garden at the front, benches, green fields… (later I was to find out about the organic farm, the 70acres of land, the walkways, the river…). I then met the lovely English lady who has been running the business for 19 years, together with her husband. She started telling me that their property has become something of a ‘refuge’ for all the animals, over the past years… I’m like… ‘what animals?’ Oh, of course, it’s those cows, horses, dogs and donkeys out in the back fields! I also thought: maybe this place is my refuge too!

We walked to the back of the house and came to a little courtyard with units/apartments that form the square itself. These are the cottages I’d come to take a sneak peak at! Cool… I got to view a two-bedroomed and a three-bedroomed space. And god… how cosy! 

The more I spoke with this lady, the more I got into what this whole environment is about. I got to know what ‘drives’ their business in the wintertime when the tourists, the daylight, the temperature and the pace of life have lessened… I sussed out how this little gem of a place has inspired many people…   

As I told her my story, she told me the story of previous tenants and those currently still living on the premises… Artists, writers, yoga practitioners, meditators… What?!?!??!? Oh my holy smoke! Wouw… It was one of those moments: Click, click, click… Bang, bang bang... and EVERYTHING suddenly makes sense, EVERYTHING suddenly falls into place and EVERYTHING moves forward as we realize our requests have been granted and there truly is a force that's working WITH us! Wouw!

Well, as I stood there relating with this lovely lady, we were getting deeper into our conversation and I was already envisioning myself to be curled up on late dark winter evenings with the fire lighting, writing whatever I can, whatever I am, for however long I want…

Needless to say, I didn’t want to contemplate whether or not to take it… Even when she said that I’d have to guarantee to stay for 6 to 8 months… I didn’t care! I knew this was an opportunity that wouldn’t come along a second time… so I didn’t need to be second-guessing anything. I secured it straight away with a deposit… that way I was this little space would temporarily be my place…! 

And there you have it: 30 minutes after passing by the sign for Caheroyan House, I passed by it again, walking in the other direction, but feeling a sense of relief, purpose and guidance... Whooohoooo!

This really is more perfect than I ever dared imagining. Ever since, I’ve heard myself saying: 'I can’t believe it…' Then I quickly shake myself about and tell myself: ‘Niamh, you better believe it, because it really IS true!’ It’s the sign of all signs that I’m not meant to elope from Ireland just yet… Yes! The bookssssssss need my attention, it’s what I’m meant to focus on for now and I’m the luckiest person in the world to be creating the circumstances that enable me to do the work that I need to be doing. Finally I can totally move into EVERYTHING, in my own little pad, with ease, pleasure, flow and whatever other amazing feeling that can be experienced when we’re FREE to just BE!!! Yay!!!! 

(For a look at the place, check out the site. It's the picture beside 'self catering accommodation' http://www.caheroyanhouseathenry.com/accommodation.htm)