Creating Destiny

‘Sober St Patricks day’ - who'd have thought it! I went to a dance party on Saturday night, in the heart of Dublin. It was an alcohol and drug-free event organized by the Funky Seomra. And I can only say how liberating it felt, to be ‘trancing’ with sober souls. It was something I never expected to experience here in Ireland, especially not during a festival that’s known the world over as merely a reason to party hard and to get ‘hammered, smashed, locked and rat-arsed’.

I was in a zone like no other – one I hadn’t entered through the act of dancing, in quite a long time. I felt alive, I felt free, I felt home and surrounded by friends. Out of the 200 people, I only knew 2. But the music was enough for us strangers to unite and connect.

Saturday night I re-awakened an amazing energy that only music can ignite. There wasn’t a sense of ‘trying to fit in’ or of having to ‘follow the crowd’. There was no judgement and people were simply free to express themselves in the manner they desired without feeling they were ‘falling short’ of what the majority had set as being the ‘norm’. Everyone had their own ‘norm’, their own rules and their unique way in which to express themselves. It was ultimate freedom and natural happiness - at least in my eyes.

It really taught me that, regardless of where we are in the world, there will always be like-minded people. Open-souls and connected individuals aren't ONLY found in certain countries or continents. Yes, it's true that in certain places you'll encounter more open-hearts and evolving beings of light. But those living from a natural state of gratitude, are found in all corners. If it becomes hard to find those individuals in search of freedom, those who savour their burning desire, those in awe of this amazing life, then we have to consciously choose to surround ourselves by ‘just’ a few seekers and connectors. The door to others will open up and new worlds will appear simultaneously. Then the journey can continue to unfold from an even greater level of excitement, appreciation and ZEST for what life there exists and whose lives we're in touch with.

It won’t come as a shock that I’m opening doors, in many different ways. Over the past 3 or 4 weeks life seems to have upped a few gears. Things accelerated once the realization of how stuck I’ve become in my current situation, started to hit home. Stimulation and motivation has been lacking and it started to seep through into how I’ve physically been feeling; which was/is drained, lifeless and missing something of a spark and a fire inside. Just realizing it means the change is already happening. Slowly I’m taking life back into my own hands and learning – yet again – that I CHOOSE my own destiny, and the things that are happening in my life aren’t destined to control me (yet that’s something I permitted ‘life’ to do… when of course, it was ME who did it!).

We, ourselves, are the ones driving our lives and creating our own destiny in every moment. These are such simple words and we hear them almost daily - yet we often don't realize we're not actually trying to live accordingly. When we're no longer creating our own destiny and through reflection starting to see how we've limited ourselves, only THEN these simple words come to hold REAL meaning for us.

I see now that I was ‘giving in’ to the illusion that I’m destined to be where I am now, without actually taking into full consideration if it's what I want or if it’s making me happy. I’ve always lived a life from a state of KNOWING how important it is to take action and create my life. I’ve always TAKEN full control of my life and chosen my directions as a result. So to have made myself believe (for whatever reason –probably FEAR) that the directions have been chosen FOR me and that I simply ‘HAVE’ to go with those ‘destined directions’, I’d of course feel an inner strength has been lost.

 

That inner strength can only be described as ZEST and it comes alive whilst engaging in stimulating environments, new experiences and interacting with enlivened people. That ZEST comes when we act on our dreams, and witness them manifesting - instead of only dreaming those dreams and pondering how and when those dreams will ever come true, expecting something or someone else to grant us that wish, without us ever needing to lift a finger and participate in the creation!

 

At this moment, I find there’s no need to dwell on what’s gone by and I’m grateful for what I can see and how I can learn from this ‘stuckness’.This acceptance has been giving me the answer and it's showing me the way. I see what I’ve been doing, and so I know what steps to take to re-ignite this spark of LIFE I feel I’ve lost.

I can safely take a vow that grants me the right, once again, to fly. I can stop listening to others who will tell me ‘my past experiences ‘should’ be enough to satisfy my soul’. I no longer feel non-deserving of experiencing new things, simply because I’ve been blessed with so many amazing ventures already.

How strange that a part of myself had me convinced that I didn't have the right to fly, to experience, to venture and to connect with this amazing planet, on a deeper level than ever before! So eager and determined I've been to get my book OUT THERE and to keep writing, that I’d convinced myself I could only do so, by being static and stationed and stuck! When the truth is that my 'stuckness' has stopped me from writing and creating. And if I claim that writing is a sign of real life - on an individual level - and if travel is the thing to spark off my creativity, then the solution I've come up with, really is the only way forward.

Travel isn’t something I need to fear. It isn’t something I should ‘subtract’ from my current life’s undertakings. Travel sets me in the flow, it opens my heart, it connects me with spirit and I come into contact with those I’m in need of attracting. Most importantly, I come into contact with myself. The element of movement and motion will always bring me to call upon my inner strength, to keep my fire inside burning and to share that spark with whoever I come to cross paths with.

So, to set myself out on a worldly journey once again and to slowly start changing my present circumstances, I’ve chosen to do something I’ve been dreaming of doing for years. I’m going to Spain, on the 2^nd of April, to walk the Camino. Just saying this here and now, is opening up a whole new chapter and I could write till the cows come home. So I’d better pause for the moment and leave this post with just another notion: as I approach the wonderful age of 30 (next Thursday) I’m only starting to feel how consciously I can move through this life. A new beginning approaches. It's fresh and open – granting me a mountain of knowledge that I'll share.

A path opens up before me; a path I shall literally wander and mindfully ponder.

Miss Brightside

Last October I set off in search of a place in the wild west of Ireland so I could live something of an idyllic ‘writers’ dream. I wanted to find a place with the Atlantic Ocean only a stone’s throw away with the wind always howling in the background. I wanted to be there, where the clouds would always be rolling, breaking without warning above the green fields and the scattered tiny cottages. 

I flocked – even though I wasn’t part of a herd of sheep – to the wild side so as to experience something I’d envisioned as being pure freedom of expression and creativity.

Years ago, I always thought I’d only follow that dream through, in 20 or 30 years from now… Well, needless to say, that dream came true a lot sooner than I’d expected at the grand age of 29! It’s true what they say: ‘ask and you shall receive’. And I did! So… who I was to question whether it was right or wrong, when the cottage in Athenry came falling from the sky, saving me gracefully, answering my request and providing the perfect setting for me to sit and write like there’d never be a tomorrow! I didn’t question! Instead I jumped at the chance! And by god, I’m delighted I did.

At the start of November I moved in, I created that space of expression, I worked hard, I wrote like there’d never be a tomorrow (or even a ‘later on’). Suddenly, when I reached the end of creating, I realized there WAS a ‘later on’… and there’d definitely be a tomorrow! But life didn’t seem to be light or bright if those tomorrows were going to be taking place in that space in the wild west!

That’s when suddenly a ‘scheduled’ 7 months turned into a perfect 3 month period; as the clearing work was complete (by ‘clearing work’ I mean: putting my deepest pains and lessons, once again, into ‘story format’). Along with finishing the writing, something else unsettled me: the cold that had seeped its way into my seemingly cosy cottage and further through the pours in my skin, taking up residence deep inside my bones to result in a level of tension and negativity that made it almost impossible for me to live, flow and simply love life in every way.

Both factors – the ‘end of clearing’ and the ‘nestling cold’ – coaxed me to open the door to the world beyond the cottage and take a peek at what else’s available. So I opened the door… mentally 3 weeks ago. But literally last Friday.

I opened it to find the ‘moving crew’ I’d called for help! Well, that crew was my mam and her car! But that was MORE than enough; I’d hardly anything to pack (it actually only took me only 3 hours on Friday morning to box everything and clear things up!). We’d filled her car by lunchtime and I said farewell to that chapter of my life. It was the easiest thing; no stress or regrets or torture on any level!

Once we’d made our way across the country and landed in Arklow, unloading the car and filling up my tiny little box room in my mam’s house with (still only) the few boxes of things I’ve accumulated over the past years, was effortless. All in a day’s work! Literally. 

The following morning I woke up and I thought I’d landed myself in heaven. I couldn’t believe how my perspective totally changed! I was suddenly able to MOVE… not only into the next chapter of my life but also freely around the house without the cold pushing me to ONLY sit curled up in a blanket almost 24 hours a day! I never realized how all-consuming it can be to live in a cold home nor how restrictive life can become. Since then, I’ve been physically releasing the cold from deep within my bones and because it was nestled, letting it go has made me feel partially re-energized, but also drained and in need of sleep, sleep, sleep and more sleep. So, since landing in Arklow, that’s what I’ve been doing: re-fuelling, reheating and relaxing.  

Looking back, Athenry already feels like a different lifetime. I’ll never be sorry for the experience! No way. It was perfect. I HAD to live that dream so I could wake myself up the reality: such a secluded existence isn’t necessarily an idyllic one. We have to try different styles of living, to realize if they’re for us or not. Every person is different. And at different times in our lives, different lifestyles can feel more fitting. From my own perspective, for the winter of 2012 it was fitting and for the spring of 2013 it no longer was. So I made it happen at the right time in my life. If I’d not have followed it through, I’d have felt this past year in Ireland to have fallen short of such a unique experience. 

As well, I’ve learned there aren’t any laws or rules stating HOW or WHERE a story should be brought into form. It can be done anywhere in the world, in any situation and can take however long a person needs. Because if the intention to write sits within the heart of a person, and if that person is tuned-in to that space, then it won’t matter what else is happening, or where they may be: the writing will need to unfold either way. I realize there’s no escape. And I'm happy, relieved and elevated in that realization. No matter how much I force myself to stay in one place, or how envision and pursue the dreams of travel; the writing will simply always be there.

In having said that, I know it’s not who I AM. But it's merely a form of self-expression that elevates and cleanses. So I’m no longer going to delude myself into thinking that it’s ‘all’ I’m good for in this world. Thinking along those lines, means I’m limiting myself and losing a spark of life from inside. And this is exactly what I’ve been feeling for months: a missing spark. Therefore, when life came knocking on the cottage door telling me to come out and play again, I felt it was time to explore other aspects of myself. And I am. I’m moving onwards in to the light and operating from a brighter space in my mind. That can only mean that my physical reality will reflect the light I feel I’m rekindling inside again.

A mood as low as the fields of Athenry

It really is true that a new year brings new things to enter. But before we can actually get on with new things and let them unfold, we have to move on from something that suddenly has become old.

Last week, I felt things had changed in the cottage. It wasn’t only because I finished the first draft of the sequel. No. It was more than that. At first, I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. But soon it became clear. I simply wasn’t happy in those circumstances anymore. When I initially realized I wasn’t happy, I was ‘set’ on doing everything I could, just to stay there in a positive frame of mind and not let my landlady down by moving onwards sooner than we’d agreed. But I realized I wasn’t doing myself any favours if I were to force myself to stay. Because, in being totally honest, I felt I’d stopped living, I felt isolated, uninspired, lost, disconnected, cold and alone. I got tangled in this spiral of negative thinking that was starting to swallow me. It became nearly impossible to shake.

I think I’ve grown-up enough to follow through the things in life that are ONLY making me happy; finally I’m done with self-torture and self-created limitations. 

So… in realizing I wanted to leave, I could put this to the test... And I passed with flying colours! Without ignoring my feelings, and with little procrastination, I told the landlady that my circumstances had changed and I’d have to go to back Arklow at the end of the month. Only by having done that my life has been lifted from my shoulders!

This happened last week. Was I instantly feeling sane again? At times yes. But other times, I was (and still am) trapped in that spiral of self-destructive thinking. Even though the change has been set in motion and I’m becoming unstuck and free again, it’s a change that kind of came out of nowhere; I thought this set-up would be in place for the next 5 months! I thought I’d be happy to keep giving my full focus to both books. But I’m not. Yes, writing is amazing. But it’s not everything. It’s something I can only focus on for so long and THEN new experiences need to be welcomed. As well, I need space and distance from what I’ve so far put on paper. Writing that second story was a deep journey; in ways I think I shocked my system and stretched my potential. And now my mind simply isn’t capable of working on the next step (which would be editing it). It’s simply too overwhelming.

The change being so unforeseen, meant I thought, only up until 2 weeks ago, that I'd have months to consider what to do next with my life and where to go. But suddenly, needing to move onwards, means a choice needs to be made in what direction. 

Being so isolated, there was nobody to tell me where to go or what to do. It's totally up to me and me alone to figure out what I want and I only I can start making that happen. But that's quite tough, when a person is operating from such a negative frame, without the normal 'spark of life' to make things fall into place.

In being alone and facing honestly what was going on, I realized that, all along, I’ve known what I want. I knew I’d always travel again. Even before I started writing, I knew I’d leave. But only now I see how many fears I’d created in my mind, over the past year, in regards to travel…!!! I’d convinced myself travel was ‘bad’ for me and I wasn’t meant to be moving… Travel was ‘supposedly’ ‘Niamh running away from herself’. But travel has been my greatest teacher! So how can it be bad? Yet I’d made myself believe that getting on a plane was the wrong thing to do and I thought I’d be failing if I didn’t keep trying my best to stay in Ireland. I know now though that I’d be an even greater ‘failure’ in my own eyes, if I were to ignore what my heart is telling me to do, instead of trying to do what others ‘think’ an (almost) 30 year old ‘should’ to be doing with her life.

To simplify things: I stayed, because it wasn’t time to leave. And it was good that I did. And now I’ll leave because it isn’t time to stay. It’s so simple…

Things can be so EASY, when we get ourselves out of the way and do what we really want to do!

Anyhow… now that I know I DO want to move onwards, I’m choosing to go ONWARDS to Arklow. I know this will unsettle me and I’ll get moving. Step by step, I can shake how stagnant I feel life, or I’ve, become. Staying with my mam for the next few months, I can make plans, get my finances into gear, open myself up more to the world and connect with people on a daily basis (which is something I’ve missed out on quite a bit!). I can soon step out beyond Ireland once again, without feeling I’m doing something ‘wrong’. No. I'm going with the flow. That's what life is all about; it's for living, for connecting and sharing who we are. 

There’s a time for closing the door the world, and seeing what we ourselves are capable of. When that closure has let us reach our potential, it’s then time to live the change, to open the door to the world again and see what’s out there.

Opening up

Yesterday could’ve been a day to jump for joy, to shout to the heavens above, to ring everybody I know, to post 50 updates on Facebook and to scream in excitement for having finally finished something I’ve been working on for months. But I didn’t have any outbursts at all. Yesterday, when I wrote the last paragraph of the book I've been so focused on, I didn’t feel liberated, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, free… I just felt… fine. All in a day’s work I guess… Now what????

This feeling of calm control was far from what I’d expected myself to experience, when I first started writing it, all those months ago. Especially given how elated and on top of the world I felt when I completed the very first draft of Digesting Wisdom. But the second time round – even if it’s a different story – doesn’t feel half as exhilarating. It’s just… normal.

Actually, I was a little shocked, at how much work I was able to do since coming back from Belgium, given how unsettled I was feeling. But it happened, without pressure or effort. In a way, it’s a relief that it’s over now; it’s at least out of my head and on paper. And I know that the road a book must travel, from it’s very first draft, to finally be printed, is a long one. So, I’m not expecting miracles to happen overnight and I’m not going to push or force this book to the shelves. Because, yesterday I realized: how on earth can the sequel get to the people, if the first title is hardly acknowledged?!?!? A reality-check came through… (even if, of course, it’s vital in life to ALWAYS expect miracles – only then can we be taken to different levels in our experiences). But at the moment, this is how it stands; if I want to get another book out, I HAVE to work with what’s already available. Only THEN can the sequel be welcomed and flow more easily.

As I’m writing this, my direction in life, seems pretty clear. But over the past week I’ve actually felt more disoriented and a little without purpose. Things have changed, by themselves, since I've come back. My perception has altered somewhat... God, how much can a person want in this life! I just completed another book, for crying out loud!!! And EVEN STILL I claim so hopelessly that I’m without direction!  

Well, I’m not here to beat myself up over what feelings have been coming through. Instead they need to be acknowledged. Only then can I realize, that yes, my life is changing, on its own accord. So, it must be what I need. My situation and focus are shifting… And that feeling of disorientation has been coming exactly on time: when one thing in my life has completed itself, instantly there's space for other things to enter. And this is the point where I say: I look ahead and opportunities are everywhere, the road is open, the future (and therefore ALWAYS the present) is bright… But it may be SO bright, that I can’t see what’s ahead! I’m blinded by this light… And have never felt to be so in the dark, as a result.

My usual reaction to this is to get on a plane, travel and I’ll find the answers. I’ve been tempted to... I've wanted to surf the internet for jobs abroad, to go teaching again, to find volunteer placements maybe. But I’m consciously NOT doing that (well, not yet anyhow)… I’m waiting patiently… Because the internet overwhelms me with things I ‘MUST’ do. I get more lost, frustrated and blind to what’s around me. This is something I’m trying to avoid… I don’t want to miss my life, here and now, by searching everywhere for what I want to pursue in life. And since when can Mr. Google give me the answers? I’m not dissing him, of course… but, I can't expect him to tell me what’s in my heart or where my focus should be turning towards. 

The fact that I’m waiting patiently for answers, doesn’t mean I’m being a lazy bum, and not DOING in order to get things moving… But, before taking action, I have to be clear, within myself, what it is I want. As well, I STILL have to take my current circumstances into account and realize that I don’t have the finances (yet) to move away (not if I don’t have a job waiting). I’ve also committed myself to this little cottage, until May (the notion of being here till then, has only recently started to feel suffocating... Oh god… here she goes again, creating her own misery in a space she once needed and loved so much). Along with that, I’ve also got a book that’s on the shelves (partially) BUT still in need of a great publicity boost. So I can’t go anywhere. I’d be turning my back, way too soon… No, when it comes to moving, it needs to be so I can bring what I’ve started, along with me… without neglecting what I’ve set in motion. 

So I know I have to stick it out and wait patiently. Maybe I’m already answering my own questions here: the road is open, I’m not sure of my direction, it’s not YET time to move, I’ll only travel once the first book receives a few boosts… Hummm… maybe that’s it… It could be so simple… And I guess it is… if I stop trying to figure out the hows, whens, wheres and whys. I’ve to keep trusting that the answers are inside… I can’t force them to the surface, I can only be aware of what I feel and look for signs in the world around me to guide me onwards. I can only use what’s available to me, here and now, to move me onwards. So I won’t run to the airport, hoping that a flight will direct me to the place I’m meant to be. Because, even if I feel unsettled right now, I know this is where I’m meant to be… lost in the dark, blinded by the light and patiently waiting for it to dim, so I can see the next step. (this is actually making me feel more excited, than I did yesterday, when the last chapter was written!!!!). Happy days as always.

Heavy winter

I’ve been hugely stuck-in to writing, throughout these past few weeks; up at 5am and working through till lunch. It’s been transporting me to other places and in my mind I’ve been travelling everywhere, because of the topic I’m writing about. It’s actually, for once, NOT making me want to board a plane. It’s not unsettling and instead it’s grounding and elevating to be working through this stuff.

But to be suddenly jolted back to the present moment, is always quite shocking; especially to look out the window and see those grey skies (that are becoming way too familiar…) 

Those skies are also the reason for me to be wrapped up in a blanket keeping warm. I’m in and out of feeling cold, at the moment. And it's draining at the best of times. My body feels quite contracted and tensed too. But I’m totally accepting it and I wouldn't trade places with anybody! This whole 'cottage experience' in the winter time, is quite a learning curve. I'm realizing just how big an effect a season can have on a person and their overall frame of mind. Therefore it’s perfect that the writing is transporting me. Because, without it, the winter would feel to be suffocating me and the darkness would be sitting on my head. I’m doing all I can to avoid that from happening. Most days it’s almost effortless, but on others, I have the strangest feeling of… being a hermit whose storing, waiting patiently, refuelling, possessed by words and shifting motions inside that throw me off my course for a short while, until it’s time to do what I can to get myself back in the flow again.

It’s been 2 years since I’ve had such dark days and I was never living in the countryside with only ‘me, myself and I’ for company. Every other winter in Ireland so far, I didn’t HAVE to step outside the front door to connect with people face to face – and only now am I realizing that it’s definitely what a person needs when their 'work' is to be stuck inside their own head, writing about deep stuff, for 5 and 6 hours a day.

I have to be so careful, not to let myself become too disconnected from where I am. I have to have a balance. I can only maintain that by ‘finding’ local people to greet on the street. And, luckily it happens every time. I must say, the people here are the friendliest you’ll find anywhere in Ireland. Anytime I seek something of a connection, I’m greeted by every single stranger I pass. They’re so warm in fact, that an outsider would be daunted by their friendliness. So I feel quite at home, here in the town, yet I’m not a part of it. Just like I feel quite at home here in the cottage, yet I’m not a part of this tiny ‘community'. I’ve not had a conversation with any of the people living around me so far. It’s not that I don’t want to connect, on the contrary! It simply hasn’t happened. People come and go, doing their daily business, just as I do. If it so happens that I bump into any of the neighbours, it’s in brief passing or from a distance and a conversation hasn’t really come of it. But that's fine too... If I'm meant to meet them, I will. And until then, I'll keep making the effort to connect and feel uplifted by the openness and warm hearts of the ‘village people’!

Isn’t it crazy how a simple ‘hello’ can become a word to save a person from falling way too deep into a disconnected world of doubt? And when it happens, I thank the heavens above that I’m in Ireland, even if the skies are grey and my toes are blue. None of that matters, when I'm able to count the sparks that come from the people on the street who smile and ask ‘How are you?’… I’m actually always tempted to spill how I literally AM feeling in that moment, when they ask this… But that’s not why they ask of course; it’s just their way of giving another person recognition. Little do they realize just how much this person needs that friendly gesture. God, how appreciative a ‘hermit’ can become, for such a recognizing ‘how are you?’ to remind them that they're still a part of this world here on Irish soil! 

For now, I'll keep things going as they are, taking it one day at a time. And at the end of next week, I'm off to Holland for Christmas. After that, I'll be going on a 10-day meditation course to Belgium, which won’t see me back in Ireland until the 6^th of January. Hopefully I’ll have most of the first draft on paper before then – without putting myself under too much pressure. So the temporary hibernation-mode is needed… for now.