The date arrived. April 1st. My deadline. This I had set, 2 weeks ago, and it was the date by which I wanted and needed more clarity regarding work opportunities in India, mainly for financial reasons. I told myself if I don’t have any job prospects by April 1st then I’d have to start looking abroad, for a teaching job.
Sure enough, the date arrived, so suddenly, With that, the pressure wasn’t increasing. I chose to switch-off to the frustration. I still had options, either way. And last Thursday, which was April 1st (!!!) what I had been hoping for, actually was confirmed.
For weeks I’ve had this particular dream I was trying to make a reality. I never mentioned it to anybody, other than Jayanthi. I was trying and hoping to make this happen, this one-off chance that I wanted so badly. It’s something that doesn’t come along everyday and so I never expected it to actually materialize.
I heard about the position this company offers and the potential it has, from Doris during the Tesol-course, 5 or 6 weeks ago. I looked into it, I sent my resume, I made numerous phone-calls, but all my efforts went unnoticed. I persisted though. It was more for my peace of mind. I wanted to be certain that this particular company either did or didn’t have an opening for me at this point in time, before taking on any other English teaching position. 2 weeks ago, things started to happen, ever so slowly. My calls were returned, I met up with another employee, but still there was uncertainty of a job-prospect being opened-up to me. So I was keeping my ear to the ground for other teaching jobs and not saying a word to anybody else. I persisted, I waited patiently to hear if anything would come my way.
On the 1st of April I met the man in question! He goes by the name of Nandan. I couldn’t believe my luck, He had actually contacted me and was randomly coming to Chennai and wanted to meet me! Yes! So on Thursday we met, we had lunch, we chatted, he talked “business” and after we hung out very casually, he asked me if I’d decided what I wanted. The position was mine, I could take a trial for 2 or 3 weeks and start whenever I wanted! This was way too easy! This was all too good to be true.. There had to be something fishy going on here. But there wasn’t. I was just the luckiest person ever. Because what I had so patiently waited for, but so eagerly had pursued, was being presented to me on a silver platter. It was mine for the taking. I was so shocked and overwhelmed so suddenly that I couldn’t imagine taking any other direction in my life right now, other than this. I had forgotten about all the other options. This was my chance!
.....
Monday, April 5, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
A search for... concluded
...
I am so lucky. I now know I’m in the position to experience the best of both worlds. Due to my time in Ireland, I found my inner world and therefore I don’t need to use the physical world as an aid to find, to dig deep and discover what my truths, fears, strengths, passions and desires are, like the majority of travelers do, especially here in India. I can safely say that I didn’t choose India to “find myself”. I’m not searching for my soul. Instead I’ve realized that my travels are to search for where and how I can put into the world all that I’ve discovered through the “journey of the soul” which I embarked on, in every sense EXCEPT for moving myself physically around the globe, while I stayed so safely, so desperately, so intensely and so strongly in my warm bed surrounded by my beautiful family, during my months in Ireland. And this is where I can see that I am a step further on this journey or in this life, should I say.
It puts me in a position to experience even more amazement and growth from the journeys I make, as my focus is so clear. It reveals so many reasons, as to why things have been happening the way they have been, since I’ve arrived in India. It tells me why I’m waiting so patiently for a job to come my way and it tells me why I’m turning down so many opportunities: in my heart I know what I want and I know my intentions so I’m not settling for positions that will only send me in the direction I really don’t want to go. It tells me why I feel so comfortable being where I am whilst doing what I’m doing: comfort comes from NOT having a drive of desperation or an urge to push myself from within, which I used to always have and so I don’t force myself to face extreme situations in this physical world because I’m doing that in other aspects of life, which is far more fulfilling. I’ve realized that, yes, I’m searching for something, somewhere, that will give me the opportunity to put all that I know in my heart to be true, out into the physical world. How can I touch peoples lives? How can I make a difference? How can I be an inspiration? How can I keep living my dream for as long as I wish? This is what my search is now about. I’ve got my priorities in order and have to trust that it will work out.
Having said this, the search for the self is never complete - not as long as we live and breathe and take part in this wonderful life. So the journey, the travel, the learning, will always take place in both of my worlds. This is something else I’ve realized. And it’s also why, each day, I’m finding the balance between the 2 worlds. I write my heart out in my journal where the revelations are endless and where I learn lessons nobody would ever be able to teach or preach me, only myself. I take everything I learn each morning and can still feel that the physical world will support my dreams, my intentions all through knowing myself and having had that amazing “head start” before leaving Ireland, almost a year ago. How amazing to experience this all so clearly. The destination I will never ever reach. I don’t want to reach the destination, because that means everything ends. Instead it’s the direction I’m aiming for. The one I choose at this moment in time, is supporting my search. And just like the journey being never-ending, the search will also be never-ending.
Whatever it is we find in life will only lead us to the next step that is meant to be taken. Heading in a particular direction, without even thinking of ever feeling our mission in life is complete.. Because it never is.. How exciting.
I am so lucky. I now know I’m in the position to experience the best of both worlds. Due to my time in Ireland, I found my inner world and therefore I don’t need to use the physical world as an aid to find, to dig deep and discover what my truths, fears, strengths, passions and desires are, like the majority of travelers do, especially here in India. I can safely say that I didn’t choose India to “find myself”. I’m not searching for my soul. Instead I’ve realized that my travels are to search for where and how I can put into the world all that I’ve discovered through the “journey of the soul” which I embarked on, in every sense EXCEPT for moving myself physically around the globe, while I stayed so safely, so desperately, so intensely and so strongly in my warm bed surrounded by my beautiful family, during my months in Ireland. And this is where I can see that I am a step further on this journey or in this life, should I say.
It puts me in a position to experience even more amazement and growth from the journeys I make, as my focus is so clear. It reveals so many reasons, as to why things have been happening the way they have been, since I’ve arrived in India. It tells me why I’m waiting so patiently for a job to come my way and it tells me why I’m turning down so many opportunities: in my heart I know what I want and I know my intentions so I’m not settling for positions that will only send me in the direction I really don’t want to go. It tells me why I feel so comfortable being where I am whilst doing what I’m doing: comfort comes from NOT having a drive of desperation or an urge to push myself from within, which I used to always have and so I don’t force myself to face extreme situations in this physical world because I’m doing that in other aspects of life, which is far more fulfilling. I’ve realized that, yes, I’m searching for something, somewhere, that will give me the opportunity to put all that I know in my heart to be true, out into the physical world. How can I touch peoples lives? How can I make a difference? How can I be an inspiration? How can I keep living my dream for as long as I wish? This is what my search is now about. I’ve got my priorities in order and have to trust that it will work out.
Having said this, the search for the self is never complete - not as long as we live and breathe and take part in this wonderful life. So the journey, the travel, the learning, will always take place in both of my worlds. This is something else I’ve realized. And it’s also why, each day, I’m finding the balance between the 2 worlds. I write my heart out in my journal where the revelations are endless and where I learn lessons nobody would ever be able to teach or preach me, only myself. I take everything I learn each morning and can still feel that the physical world will support my dreams, my intentions all through knowing myself and having had that amazing “head start” before leaving Ireland, almost a year ago. How amazing to experience this all so clearly. The destination I will never ever reach. I don’t want to reach the destination, because that means everything ends. Instead it’s the direction I’m aiming for. The one I choose at this moment in time, is supporting my search. And just like the journey being never-ending, the search will also be never-ending.
Whatever it is we find in life will only lead us to the next step that is meant to be taken. Heading in a particular direction, without even thinking of ever feeling our mission in life is complete.. Because it never is.. How exciting.
A search for...
People often say they travel to “find themselves” or to embark on journeys around this earth so they are faced also with a “soul journey“. People who have been used to the conditioning society has almost burdened them with, can feel that the only way to ever find out what else life has in store, is by hitting the open road. Through the physical world they need to discover as much of their own emotional or inner world, as possible.
I’ve met people who talk about their journey, about their search. I’ve spoken with people who are choosing to search for their hidden purpose in life by ignoring the typical tourist trails and heading to extreme destinations. To put yourself out into the world of the unknown, this physical world that we can see, hear, smell, taste and touch, is to challenge every belief you ever owned, every aspect in life you valued and every question you once thought you had found the concrete evidence to its truth and therefore you thought the answer was set in stone. You are faced with your biggest fears and doubts as you travel, while everyone else, who lives according to what society has led them to believe is truth, judges you, pressurizes you and has expectations from you. And this is where their soul search begins, because they are alone and facing so many different aspects in life, all brought on and stimulated by this physical and new and amazing place on earth they have chosen, all with the intention of “finding themselves”. The search goes within and they find their inner strength and their truth and even their purpose. They find a different approach to life and beliefs and values can change. One is, as they so very commonly putting it: “travelling to find themselves”.
I’ve been asking myself this question, on and off, since arriving in India: Am I also “travelling to find myself?”, Am I on journey to search for my soul?”. If I’m not searching for my soul, then what AM I searching for?
It only started to dawn on me yesterday as I sat and typed an email to a friend I met in Kerala. I didn’t really have a connection with him, but we somehow stayed in touch and our emails are suddenly taking the direction the soul-searching journey and things came to light yesterday as I typed only a few lines.
So what am I searching for? Is it my soul? Is it my inner world? But, haven’t I already found that special part of me? I realized that I don’t need the physical world, no matter how beautiful or fearful it can be, to challenge me in order for me to find my inner strength. I already know my inner strength. I’ve already been challenged to the max, when it comes to digging deep, facing fears, finding my truth and living accordingly. I was digging deep, throughout my months in Ireland. It was the lack of the physical world which made it all the more intense and it shows me now that we don’t always need a certain place on earth to support us in our search for our hidden self. It depends on the challenges you are faced with or choose to face, in life. People who choose to journey to the ends of the earth and to challenge themselves with the result of becoming more self-aware, haven’t had other challenges in life that could have presented them with the same “results” and that’s where the desire to “search for the soul in all every corner of the earth” has can come from.
... to be concluded
I’ve met people who talk about their journey, about their search. I’ve spoken with people who are choosing to search for their hidden purpose in life by ignoring the typical tourist trails and heading to extreme destinations. To put yourself out into the world of the unknown, this physical world that we can see, hear, smell, taste and touch, is to challenge every belief you ever owned, every aspect in life you valued and every question you once thought you had found the concrete evidence to its truth and therefore you thought the answer was set in stone. You are faced with your biggest fears and doubts as you travel, while everyone else, who lives according to what society has led them to believe is truth, judges you, pressurizes you and has expectations from you. And this is where their soul search begins, because they are alone and facing so many different aspects in life, all brought on and stimulated by this physical and new and amazing place on earth they have chosen, all with the intention of “finding themselves”. The search goes within and they find their inner strength and their truth and even their purpose. They find a different approach to life and beliefs and values can change. One is, as they so very commonly putting it: “travelling to find themselves”.
I’ve been asking myself this question, on and off, since arriving in India: Am I also “travelling to find myself?”, Am I on journey to search for my soul?”. If I’m not searching for my soul, then what AM I searching for?
It only started to dawn on me yesterday as I sat and typed an email to a friend I met in Kerala. I didn’t really have a connection with him, but we somehow stayed in touch and our emails are suddenly taking the direction the soul-searching journey and things came to light yesterday as I typed only a few lines.
So what am I searching for? Is it my soul? Is it my inner world? But, haven’t I already found that special part of me? I realized that I don’t need the physical world, no matter how beautiful or fearful it can be, to challenge me in order for me to find my inner strength. I already know my inner strength. I’ve already been challenged to the max, when it comes to digging deep, facing fears, finding my truth and living accordingly. I was digging deep, throughout my months in Ireland. It was the lack of the physical world which made it all the more intense and it shows me now that we don’t always need a certain place on earth to support us in our search for our hidden self. It depends on the challenges you are faced with or choose to face, in life. People who choose to journey to the ends of the earth and to challenge themselves with the result of becoming more self-aware, haven’t had other challenges in life that could have presented them with the same “results” and that’s where the desire to “search for the soul in all every corner of the earth” has can come from.
... to be concluded
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