By reading my pervious post, you may realize that I didn’t leave Chennai without thought or feelings. I left knowing what I wanted, where I was heading. It may have been rash, but that’s how it was meant to go.
I guess now though, the moment of me being reflective has come, and that’s my reason for this writing. I’m just closing Chennai’s chapter, for now, and starting another. I can never say when I’ll return again. I’m almost wary of saying that I definitely will. I can’t think that far ahead right now. But looking back, I can. And it was a whirlwind of a 5 -week “journey”. The amount of interviews I attended in such a “short” space of time, is unreal. Never in all my life have I ever seen myself sat at so many desks listening to principles and businessmen talk about the ease involved in taking the teaching position, with the so-called “great salary“. I look back and it’ like I replay a movie of myself and Jayanthi, traipsing around the city going from one part to next, using hundreds of autoriskshaws, tens of buses and drinking chai to get us through and keep us sane. It looks like something amazing, as I think back. We laughed, we despaired, we spoke, we had high hopes and visions of what the certain positions could bring us, we “chanced our arms” and kept everything flowing. We always had some sort of back-up or reserve..
I’ve been so grateful though for every opportunity and never for a minute have I wondered what I could have been doing or what job I may have gotten, had I NOT moved to Chennai. I know there’s a reason for me to have come. It was to experience life within an Indian family, life within one of India’s metro’s, life from day-to-day, life of the “jobseeker” in India. It was also for me to seriously consider and be faced with so many teaching jobs, that I was forced to question what it is I really want at this moment in time. And I did. I can never know for sure, but for now, I’ve found the answer; hence the decision I made to come to Hyderabad; hence me sitting here in this new place surrounded by new people with an approach to life that will hopefully inspire me in many different ways.
Chennai gave me what I needed. I wouldn’t be sitting here otherwise. Getting to meet Nandan last week (right place, right time!) as well as all the jobs not being the right ones, was the perfect combo to set me on my way. I feel to have come so far in other aspects too, within the space of 5 weeks. I feel like I’ve gotten so much stronger and more confident. I know what I want and I know how to get it - to a certain degree. Also when it comes to getting things done and to simply being apart of this country, as the person I am or as the person the natives here see me as: which is the “foreign girl travelling alone”, the “walking wallet” or the “white girl who can be taken advantage of, in whatever way anybody feels the desire to”. I’ve only been here for such a short time and still have so much to learn and to adapt to. But I won’t let people walk “all over me”. Or maybe not as much as I used to. I can stand up for myself, tell the rude people of the world what I think and be harsh if I need to! The term: “toughen-up princess!” comes to mind, which is something many country folk of Australia would say. It could be happening! I just needed India to give me a helping hand!
So thank you Jayanthi, thank you Chennai, thank you India. It‘s been amazing so far!
Enough said for now. I’ll be quiet and let you get on with whatever it was you were doing!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The rashness of it all..
20 hours after leaving Chennai. I didn’t really get the chance to properly say “goodbye”. Well, I did, but now that I’m gone it feels almost like I left too suddenly. Yes, it all happened fast: the yoga position being offered to me, the decision to take it and the choice to get it started right away. But did I leave too soon? Many would think I did. Especially people at home. My mam for instance, who I rang yesterday afternoon (Monday), half an hour before I was due to leave the beautiful home I was staying at for the past 5 weeks. Of course it sounded rash and like a drastic change in direction. Because nobody knew that this yoga position was what I was wanting all along. It seems to have come out of the blue I suppose. And in many ways it did to me too, as I hadn’t expected this chance.
Yesterday, ringing home, I had to tell Mam “in person” (by phone is as “in person” as it gets whilst being away from home). It felt to be such a big step I was taking and I didn’t want her to read it on my blog. Shock of the sudden change but encouragement to take this opportunity, were her reactions. She was nervous for me as I told her I was leaving in half an hour. Was I nervous? No. Was I excited? yes. But what else was I? Sad to leave Chennai? I’m not too sure. I didn’t feel that I was leaving, for some strange reason. I didn’t feel to be too reflective - which was very surprising to me, seeing as though it’s usually what I am when I close one chapter to start another.
I said goodbye to Jayanthi and her parents at the house. It was me, once again, out on my own. I felt so free, I felt so secure. But of course it did feel strange to leave a place I had gotten so comfortable. I knew I was going to miss certain things; the easiness of being there, the talks, the room upstairs with the rooftop, the walks on the beach each morning, the city-outings.. Of course I’d miss it all. But as they say, there’s a time for coming and a time for leaving. My time for leaving happened so rashly, it almost passed me by!! That’s the reason why I can question it. But I didn’t feel bad. It felt good for it to be just me again.
I wondered though, had I done wrong by Jayanthi and her family by coming into their lives, letting them get used to me being there and giving them the “burden” of my unknown plans regarding my travels, my life and my situation, to then suddenly pack my bags and leave? Was this unfair of me? Should I not have burdened them at all? Would I ever be able to repay them for all the help they gave me? Had I just taken all I could and not given anything in return? And by my leaving so suddenly, was I taking even more from them than I already had taken, throughout my stay with them? Should I now feel bad, for letting myself get into that situation in the first place? But if so, then a person, or I, would never be able to get close to anybody whilst travelling, for fear of taking too much throughout the time we spend together and then only making their lives more complicated by their need to adjust to my being there and then to my not being there, once again.
This is a topic or an issue even, that has gone through my mind a few times. And I had already made peace with what they had assured me of: you weren’t in the way, you weren’t any trouble to have and everyone enjoyed you being here. So all parties involved were happy and benefiting in some way or another.
So what more can I say on the subject? I can’t feel bad. I travel, I move, I sometimes stick too long and suddenly things happen and I rashly move. This has happened many times before. I never want to hurt anybody in the process though. Sometimes it can happen and I can seen as the “bad-guy”. But if someone knows me, and knows what makes me tick and how I’ve moved myself through my life over the years, then they know how I “operate” and so with that awareness shouldn’t they not blame me for having the sudden urge to leave? I’m actually referring to other situations that I’ve found myself in over the years and so it’s not regarding the Chennai situation. I can let it rest, because I know that I haven’t hurt anybody and so there is no blame and I am free and know this is what I do..
Yesterday, ringing home, I had to tell Mam “in person” (by phone is as “in person” as it gets whilst being away from home). It felt to be such a big step I was taking and I didn’t want her to read it on my blog. Shock of the sudden change but encouragement to take this opportunity, were her reactions. She was nervous for me as I told her I was leaving in half an hour. Was I nervous? No. Was I excited? yes. But what else was I? Sad to leave Chennai? I’m not too sure. I didn’t feel that I was leaving, for some strange reason. I didn’t feel to be too reflective - which was very surprising to me, seeing as though it’s usually what I am when I close one chapter to start another.
I said goodbye to Jayanthi and her parents at the house. It was me, once again, out on my own. I felt so free, I felt so secure. But of course it did feel strange to leave a place I had gotten so comfortable. I knew I was going to miss certain things; the easiness of being there, the talks, the room upstairs with the rooftop, the walks on the beach each morning, the city-outings.. Of course I’d miss it all. But as they say, there’s a time for coming and a time for leaving. My time for leaving happened so rashly, it almost passed me by!! That’s the reason why I can question it. But I didn’t feel bad. It felt good for it to be just me again.
I wondered though, had I done wrong by Jayanthi and her family by coming into their lives, letting them get used to me being there and giving them the “burden” of my unknown plans regarding my travels, my life and my situation, to then suddenly pack my bags and leave? Was this unfair of me? Should I not have burdened them at all? Would I ever be able to repay them for all the help they gave me? Had I just taken all I could and not given anything in return? And by my leaving so suddenly, was I taking even more from them than I already had taken, throughout my stay with them? Should I now feel bad, for letting myself get into that situation in the first place? But if so, then a person, or I, would never be able to get close to anybody whilst travelling, for fear of taking too much throughout the time we spend together and then only making their lives more complicated by their need to adjust to my being there and then to my not being there, once again.
This is a topic or an issue even, that has gone through my mind a few times. And I had already made peace with what they had assured me of: you weren’t in the way, you weren’t any trouble to have and everyone enjoyed you being here. So all parties involved were happy and benefiting in some way or another.
So what more can I say on the subject? I can’t feel bad. I travel, I move, I sometimes stick too long and suddenly things happen and I rashly move. This has happened many times before. I never want to hurt anybody in the process though. Sometimes it can happen and I can seen as the “bad-guy”. But if someone knows me, and knows what makes me tick and how I’ve moved myself through my life over the years, then they know how I “operate” and so with that awareness shouldn’t they not blame me for having the sudden urge to leave? I’m actually referring to other situations that I’ve found myself in over the years and so it’s not regarding the Chennai situation. I can let it rest, because I know that I haven’t hurt anybody and so there is no blame and I am free and know this is what I do..
Monday, April 5, 2010
Reward of patience - 2
What is this position I’m taking? Well, it’s something I’ve been dreaming of doing for 3 years. It’s something I had envisioned myself to do in India. But something I thought wasn’t going to happen to me, for lack of experience and money. I’m getting the chance though, regardless of not having either. I’m getting the opportunity to train to be a yoga teacher! I can’t quite believe it. Even now, after it‘s confirmed, I’m still very sceptical about “broadcasting“ it. I kept it quiet because I was convinced I would jinx it otherwise. Maybe because it’s something I wanted for so long and now that I might have it, I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise it. The strangeness I felt on Thursday and Friday, as the plans were falling into place, explains how much I wanted this. So surreal it is.
This strangeness: I wasn’t able to feel excitement for some reason, I was blown away and doubting absolutely everything. Since then I’ve been sorting out a few things: my head and my emotions. O yeah and transport! Because taking this position means relocation. I’ll be going to Hyderabad, which is 13 hours northwest of Chennai, inland. It’s still in South India though - how amazingly big this country is!
So, what happens from here? I’ll be going to Hyderabad tonight, by train. When Nandan said I could start whenever I like, I wanted to get this started as soon as possible. No time to waste, right!! So tomorrow morning I’ll be picked-up at the station, brought to the accommodation, which is provided by the company. I’ll be staying with a group of yoga trainers. The training I’ll be taking, will be “on the job”. So it’s different from any other yoga teacher training programme, which usually has a group of at least 10 students, who pay a bomb to do the course and when attaining the certificate after 4 weeks of study they still don’t have a guaranteed job. But, what I’m doing is different and that‘s why lack of finances and experience isn‘t an issue (for now). The first 2 weeks, will just be a trial. It will be to see if I take to it, if it feels good and if they also are happy with me.
I can’t go into too much detail about what could happen after 2 or 3 weeks of being there. I don’t want to think too far ahead. It’s too much right now. So much has happened, so suddenly, that thinking of where this could lead, is too big. So, as Nandan said, we’ll take it one step at a time, give you training for a few weeks and see from there what we both want. Wouw..
At the moment I’m only thinking of this to be a chance for me to experience yoga from a different perspective. The following weeks may confirm what I felt in my heart I wanted so badly: which was to learn so much more about yoga and share it with others. Or it could make me realize that yoga is to remain a hobby and not a way for me to work and travel this amazing world and I’ll then be happy knowing that teaching English instead will be what I’m meant to do.
I’m not sure of many things right now, but of what I’m AM sure of, is that this is what I need to do. Whatever it will reveal, is what I need to see. I’m feeling excited, eager, determined and curious but also calm and certain that as soon as I step into this new world, I’ll know if it’s for me or not. It might shatter my dream. Or, come to think of it, my dream be shattered because it’s already amazing how this has come to me.
Can I let you in on a secret though? On Thursday night I woke up from a dream I was having: I was India, in a home asleep in a comfortable bed and was on the verge of training to be a yoga teacher. And then I woke up, and guess what: the dream continued. Because I was living it. I am living it, and will continue to, no matter what the next weeks reveal. I’m ready! I’m prepared but I’m expecting nothing and everything will be a bonus..
This strangeness: I wasn’t able to feel excitement for some reason, I was blown away and doubting absolutely everything. Since then I’ve been sorting out a few things: my head and my emotions. O yeah and transport! Because taking this position means relocation. I’ll be going to Hyderabad, which is 13 hours northwest of Chennai, inland. It’s still in South India though - how amazingly big this country is!
So, what happens from here? I’ll be going to Hyderabad tonight, by train. When Nandan said I could start whenever I like, I wanted to get this started as soon as possible. No time to waste, right!! So tomorrow morning I’ll be picked-up at the station, brought to the accommodation, which is provided by the company. I’ll be staying with a group of yoga trainers. The training I’ll be taking, will be “on the job”. So it’s different from any other yoga teacher training programme, which usually has a group of at least 10 students, who pay a bomb to do the course and when attaining the certificate after 4 weeks of study they still don’t have a guaranteed job. But, what I’m doing is different and that‘s why lack of finances and experience isn‘t an issue (for now). The first 2 weeks, will just be a trial. It will be to see if I take to it, if it feels good and if they also are happy with me.
I can’t go into too much detail about what could happen after 2 or 3 weeks of being there. I don’t want to think too far ahead. It’s too much right now. So much has happened, so suddenly, that thinking of where this could lead, is too big. So, as Nandan said, we’ll take it one step at a time, give you training for a few weeks and see from there what we both want. Wouw..
At the moment I’m only thinking of this to be a chance for me to experience yoga from a different perspective. The following weeks may confirm what I felt in my heart I wanted so badly: which was to learn so much more about yoga and share it with others. Or it could make me realize that yoga is to remain a hobby and not a way for me to work and travel this amazing world and I’ll then be happy knowing that teaching English instead will be what I’m meant to do.
I’m not sure of many things right now, but of what I’m AM sure of, is that this is what I need to do. Whatever it will reveal, is what I need to see. I’m feeling excited, eager, determined and curious but also calm and certain that as soon as I step into this new world, I’ll know if it’s for me or not. It might shatter my dream. Or, come to think of it, my dream be shattered because it’s already amazing how this has come to me.
Can I let you in on a secret though? On Thursday night I woke up from a dream I was having: I was India, in a home asleep in a comfortable bed and was on the verge of training to be a yoga teacher. And then I woke up, and guess what: the dream continued. Because I was living it. I am living it, and will continue to, no matter what the next weeks reveal. I’m ready! I’m prepared but I’m expecting nothing and everything will be a bonus..
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