Three days into my stay at the Sivananda Ashram. The chanting is all I can hear in my head, whenever I’m alone. The yoga is starting to wear on my body and muscles I’d forgotten I owned are aching. The meditation is sending me to some place other than the most southern part of India, which is where I am right now. I could be anywhere in the world really and I’d still feel as good as I do right now. Life is fantastic!
I’m surrounded by people from everywhere; Spain, America, Japan, Israel, Iran, England, Australia and of course a few Irish. It’s like we form one big community, of only 40 people, all with the same intention: Yoga. There are only 2 or 3 Indians, which makes me forget I’m in India. But the roars of the lions I hear in the middle of the night, coming from the nearby Lion Safari Park, remind me of where I am. How beautiful!
I’ve gone from having days full of planning lessons, stressing out about my performance as a teacher, evaluating my methods and forcing myself to focus on each and every English lesson I was giving, at Ebenezer, to now having my days full of everything that can provide me with quite the opposite, which is: peace, bliss, tranquility and awareness.
I didn’t have freedom at Ebenezer. Here I’m still being controlled, but differently. We have rules to abide by, we have a schedule to follow and I’m worn out. But the schedule is in aid of myself and not of others. It might sound strange and selfish but that’s how it is and it’s what I wanted.
This is how our days are filled:
5.30am wake up bell
6.00am meditation, chanting mantra’s(in Sanskrit), readings and talks
7.30am tea
8.00am yoga class
10.00am Brunch (where we eat in silence, crossed legged, with our hands, sitting on the floor - after chanting for a short while).
11.00am Karma yoga. (This means we get given a chore to do in the ashram, to help out, such as cleaning).
12.30pm Optional coaching for meditation and yoga 01.30pm tea
02.oopm lecture
03.30pm Afternoon yoga
06.00pm dinner
08.00pm meditation, chanting and readings until 09.30pm
10.00 everyone is shattered!
10.30pm “lights out”
Everyday..
Did I realize that this was how it was going to be? Not really. I knew that I’d get the chance to do yoga and meditation. But I didn’t know it was all compulsory and If you don’t attend any of the classes, you are asked to leave.. But I don’t mind. I’m so happy here. It’s exactly what I need. The only thing I’m struggling with, is my body. It’s feeling the strain of suddenly doing nearly 4 hours of yoga a day and sitting with crossed legs for another 4 hours. The exhaustion is catching up on me.
When I look back over the past week I’ve just done what I do best I suppose: I abruptly changed my course in life: I tore myself away from a job, from “stability” and special people and have thrown myself into yet another chapter. This is an amazing one though, I can feel it! However I didn’t give myself the chance to wind-down after having put myself under so much pressure, at Ebenezer School. And now that I’ve “stopped” one thing and have “started” a different and very brief chapter, I’m finding it hard to grasp all that’s going on around me...
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Ebenezer no more - 2
My last 2 days of teaching were great. I enjoyed them so much and I even managed to keep on learning and growing as a teacher up until my very last lesson on Friday afternoon. But even in the pleasure I felt when standing in front of class, I still didn’t doubt that my leaving was the right decision. Saying goodbye to the principal - who I hadn’t really spoken to since I arrived at the school, was a revelation. She gave me the most sincere “goodbye” ever. I couldn’t believe how warm she was towards me. She showered me with compliments, wanted me to keep in touch and said that there will always be a job available for me at the school! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.. For all of 3 seconds I wondered if I’d made the right decision, but it disappeared very quickly, once I left her office. I was free and there was no turning back!
Saturday 3 of the teachers, who have helped me from day 1 at Ebenezer, Dolly, Riya and Anjana, brought me to the nearest city to see a movie and to have some dinner. It was so lovely to be treated like that by such special girls! On Sunday morning, they brought me to the train station too, as the day had finally arrived for me to leave the campus! It was the nicest goodbye ever. I was breaking free so easily from this school and I felt so blessed for all the people I had met. I couldn’t believe how all these people, Mahaut, Cliff, Paul, Riya and Dolly, managed to touch my heart in some way, yet didn’t bring on a sadness for leaving but instead it brought on gratitude for having had the chance to meet them in the first place. I felt so alive, for this reason alone, as I boarded the train and they waved me off, at the platform. A vision I’ll never forget: Riya and Dolly, waving with tears in their eyes but smiles on their faces, telling me to come back once I’m married and have gained some weight!!! Such Indian things to say!!
I left feeling amazing and I arrived at the next destination 6 hours later, feeling tired, but better than I had done in quite a while. Where did I go? And where am I now? I am where I wanted to go, 5 weeks ago when I was leaving Varkala to start this new Ebenezer chapter: I’m in an ashram, 200kms south of where I was teaching. It’s the Sivananda Ashram. Here I can get back into yoga and meditation. The ashram is almost like a resort full of people from all over the world. From 6am until 10pm, there are meditation classes, yoga classes, chanting sessions, coaching and lectures on the philosophy of yoga. I’m only here 24 hours, but it feels like I’ve been here forever, in a good way. I’ll be staying for just a week, which might be a little short. But I’m just happy that I got here in the first place, regardless of the length of time I’ll be spending here.
This is something I’ve been wanting to try for so long. And spending time in an ashram is almost a “must” for the traveller in India. It does however mean it’s very touristy (something I always prefer to avoid) but for now I don’t mind. I’m here, and I’m happy. I can learn about yoga and I’m able to focus on what I want to focus on. I have the next 2 weeks to put everything into perspective and to reflect on the past 6 months. There are no disturbances and nobody else is needing my attention. I don’t feel drawn into the Western “gang” of tourists. I associate with who I want, and I do as I wish and it’s something I’ve been needing pretty badly.
Sometimes I can’t quite believe that I actually got myself here. I feel so strong for having finally done what I’ve done. I got as much from Ebenezer school as I could and, because of the people I met and for the lessons I learnt, I’m grateful for the experience. It’s good that I went, but it’s even better that I left! I'll definitely teach again, but I now know the environment in which I can get the most from myself as a "teacher" as well as getting the most from the kids. The teacher in me is just a sleep for the time being, but there will come a time again when the teacher will be awoken once more..
How quickly it all happened, makes it feel like it all passed me by. And to a certain extent, I think it did. But that’s fine. Because it just means that it all happened effortlessly, because it was the right thing I was doing. I didn’t start to see things clearly until I got on the train on Sunday afternoon. And absolutely everything made sense! Life is one big puzzle, that will never be complete, but every piece will always fit so nicely into the “bigger picture” that we’re creating with every chapter we open and with every chapter we conclude. For Ebenezer this was the concluding chapter..
Saturday 3 of the teachers, who have helped me from day 1 at Ebenezer, Dolly, Riya and Anjana, brought me to the nearest city to see a movie and to have some dinner. It was so lovely to be treated like that by such special girls! On Sunday morning, they brought me to the train station too, as the day had finally arrived for me to leave the campus! It was the nicest goodbye ever. I was breaking free so easily from this school and I felt so blessed for all the people I had met. I couldn’t believe how all these people, Mahaut, Cliff, Paul, Riya and Dolly, managed to touch my heart in some way, yet didn’t bring on a sadness for leaving but instead it brought on gratitude for having had the chance to meet them in the first place. I felt so alive, for this reason alone, as I boarded the train and they waved me off, at the platform. A vision I’ll never forget: Riya and Dolly, waving with tears in their eyes but smiles on their faces, telling me to come back once I’m married and have gained some weight!!! Such Indian things to say!!
I left feeling amazing and I arrived at the next destination 6 hours later, feeling tired, but better than I had done in quite a while. Where did I go? And where am I now? I am where I wanted to go, 5 weeks ago when I was leaving Varkala to start this new Ebenezer chapter: I’m in an ashram, 200kms south of where I was teaching. It’s the Sivananda Ashram. Here I can get back into yoga and meditation. The ashram is almost like a resort full of people from all over the world. From 6am until 10pm, there are meditation classes, yoga classes, chanting sessions, coaching and lectures on the philosophy of yoga. I’m only here 24 hours, but it feels like I’ve been here forever, in a good way. I’ll be staying for just a week, which might be a little short. But I’m just happy that I got here in the first place, regardless of the length of time I’ll be spending here.
This is something I’ve been wanting to try for so long. And spending time in an ashram is almost a “must” for the traveller in India. It does however mean it’s very touristy (something I always prefer to avoid) but for now I don’t mind. I’m here, and I’m happy. I can learn about yoga and I’m able to focus on what I want to focus on. I have the next 2 weeks to put everything into perspective and to reflect on the past 6 months. There are no disturbances and nobody else is needing my attention. I don’t feel drawn into the Western “gang” of tourists. I associate with who I want, and I do as I wish and it’s something I’ve been needing pretty badly.
Sometimes I can’t quite believe that I actually got myself here. I feel so strong for having finally done what I’ve done. I got as much from Ebenezer school as I could and, because of the people I met and for the lessons I learnt, I’m grateful for the experience. It’s good that I went, but it’s even better that I left! I'll definitely teach again, but I now know the environment in which I can get the most from myself as a "teacher" as well as getting the most from the kids. The teacher in me is just a sleep for the time being, but there will come a time again when the teacher will be awoken once more..
How quickly it all happened, makes it feel like it all passed me by. And to a certain extent, I think it did. But that’s fine. Because it just means that it all happened effortlessly, because it was the right thing I was doing. I didn’t start to see things clearly until I got on the train on Sunday afternoon. And absolutely everything made sense! Life is one big puzzle, that will never be complete, but every piece will always fit so nicely into the “bigger picture” that we’re creating with every chapter we open and with every chapter we conclude. For Ebenezer this was the concluding chapter..
Ebenezer no more - I
Last week Wednesday I found out that rising to a challenge in life can be inspiring, uplifting and rewarding. But when a person is classing “overcoming a feeling of discomfort” as being a challenge, then there’s nothing to overcome and a lift will never be felt. You will simply continue to struggle through the situation you are faced with.
My last entry, was somewhat of a cry for help, to myself. I needed to rescue ME! I thought I was at Ebenezer school because I needed to rise to the challenge. But I realized on Wednesday that instead of challenging myself, I was simply punishing myself.
Wednesday I reached breaking point. It didn’t matter that I had so many amazing people around me: Mahaut, Cliff and some of the other Indian teachers. It didn’t matter that the students were fun, or that the lessons were getting better or that the apartment was fresh and clean. All these luxuries didn’t have an effect on me anymore. The only thing that had an effect on me, was ME. And I wasn’t in a happy place. I was tired of trying to keep my focus on the classroom and on school. I was tired of going against the “current“. I was beat and felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make my time at the school into the amazing experience I wanted it to be.
By being in Mahauts presence, I started to become more aware of what I wanted again. I started to tune-in to ME, without effort. I suddenly was no longer wary of saying what I wanted and I became so strong, through the talks we had. She taught me so much, just by listening. And on Wednesday night a shift occurred within me and I decided to bite the bullet and to finally set myself free. I was leaving! I wasn’t going to ignore that voice that was telling me, hour after hour, to leave. At that point I only had 10 days left at the school. Most people would have stuck it out, for such a short space of time. But I figured, when it’s time to leave, it’s time to leave.. I couldn’t deny it anymore. And most importantly, I didn’t want to deny it anymore!
At that stage, I knew I only had 2 more weeks left in India. And I wasn’t going to stay in a place where I would never feel comfortable, just for the sake of it. So the decision was made. All I had to do was act and everything would follow suit. It wasn’t even difficult to do. From Thursday morning onwards I started letting people know I was going. Friday was going to be my last day. Nobody was going to convince me to stay, even though certain people were tempted to try. Everybody was understanding and my replacement was being arranged. I didn’t tell all of the teachers, only those who I had gotten close to. The students I didn’t tell either. It would only have made things more difficult and I’d have to explain myself over and over again as to why and when I‘m leaving and where I‘d be going. I wanted to leave quietly and without too much fuss. And that’s what I did.
My last entry, was somewhat of a cry for help, to myself. I needed to rescue ME! I thought I was at Ebenezer school because I needed to rise to the challenge. But I realized on Wednesday that instead of challenging myself, I was simply punishing myself.
Wednesday I reached breaking point. It didn’t matter that I had so many amazing people around me: Mahaut, Cliff and some of the other Indian teachers. It didn’t matter that the students were fun, or that the lessons were getting better or that the apartment was fresh and clean. All these luxuries didn’t have an effect on me anymore. The only thing that had an effect on me, was ME. And I wasn’t in a happy place. I was tired of trying to keep my focus on the classroom and on school. I was tired of going against the “current“. I was beat and felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make my time at the school into the amazing experience I wanted it to be.
By being in Mahauts presence, I started to become more aware of what I wanted again. I started to tune-in to ME, without effort. I suddenly was no longer wary of saying what I wanted and I became so strong, through the talks we had. She taught me so much, just by listening. And on Wednesday night a shift occurred within me and I decided to bite the bullet and to finally set myself free. I was leaving! I wasn’t going to ignore that voice that was telling me, hour after hour, to leave. At that point I only had 10 days left at the school. Most people would have stuck it out, for such a short space of time. But I figured, when it’s time to leave, it’s time to leave.. I couldn’t deny it anymore. And most importantly, I didn’t want to deny it anymore!
At that stage, I knew I only had 2 more weeks left in India. And I wasn’t going to stay in a place where I would never feel comfortable, just for the sake of it. So the decision was made. All I had to do was act and everything would follow suit. It wasn’t even difficult to do. From Thursday morning onwards I started letting people know I was going. Friday was going to be my last day. Nobody was going to convince me to stay, even though certain people were tempted to try. Everybody was understanding and my replacement was being arranged. I didn’t tell all of the teachers, only those who I had gotten close to. The students I didn’t tell either. It would only have made things more difficult and I’d have to explain myself over and over again as to why and when I‘m leaving and where I‘d be going. I wanted to leave quietly and without too much fuss. And that’s what I did.
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