I remember during one of the last meditations: I was struck by a fear when thinking of the outside world; I didn’t know how I’d experience it. I didn’t want to face the changes. I didn’t want to take off the glasses I’d been wearing – that had always made me blind and ignorant to any suffering inside of myself as well as outside. But I’d by going into silence, I’d started the process of truly opening my eyes. And reality first needs to be witnessed inside, only then can it be witnessed it outside. So I was wary because I felt the change. But I had no choice. I had to be apart of the world; which was/is India.
But, hang on! Hadn’t I desperately needed to be here, when I was in China??!!! Yes I had… So why suddenly reject an awaiting world of which I should want to apart of? Well, thankfully, with reality comes clarity and I’m able to put it into perspective. In China, only India would’ve made me happy. Why? Well… whilst being unhappy in a situation, we’ll always force ourselves to move mountains and reach a place that, once upon a time, had been magical, in the hope that the chosen place of refuge will offer all that we desire, once again.
And to me personally, India always represented magic. So I believed I could only have a life of magic, whilst being ONLY here. So, I came. And ended up on the meditation course, where I was faced with my own reality. This is the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Because it’s leading me to witness the reality in this part of the world; India. And this in turn, this truth of this present place, has released so much of pressure. Suddenly I can happily accept the dualities I’m faced with and I feel there’s no need to cling to India and this experience, for dear life (which is what I did last year and was trying to do from the beginning of this trip too - so terrified I was that something would happen and I’d need to leave and my world would crash, for not being in this magical spot). Because it’s changing. Or I’m changing. I know that magic and excitement can be experienced, but so can tragedy and heartache.
Does this mean I’m no more an optimist but instead a pessimist? Not at all! Does this mean I’m going to hop on a plane and head back to Ireland? Nope. What does it mean? It means I can start letting-go of the need to ALWAYS see magic. There’s no NEED for this! If I see, feel, hear or taste it, then so be it. If I don’t, I don’t! I don’t need to search India for it. I don’t need to search the world for it. Because for all the magic I can experience, I know there’s just as much misery. And by forcing myself to only see and feel bliss, I’m blind to pain. But in this blind-sighted ignorance, pain isn’t resolved. If the pain arose and wasn’t dealt with, it won’t disappear. It will still be there, simmering, brewing, stewing. But not being attended to… My natural tendency to always be optimistic can smother a painful truth that could be harmful in the long run. And…. Voila! This is exactly what happened in China!!!! Wouw… yes yes yes… What a lesson I’m learning, just as I’m typing this! So, to come to a conclusion: If magic appears, I embrace it. If darkness appears, I embrace it. In both cases, I thank my lucky stars because I’m here to experience and to be inspired by it.
What I’d hoped to gain from meditation really is happening. A slow process, but it’s starting. I’d said, before entering the 10 days of silence, that I wanted become grounded in my travels. Meaning; I wanted to stop pushing to be elsewhere, which is a push that comes from my urgency to search and experience magic. We believe it’s always somewhere else and never in the present situation… As a result we always wish to be some place else. It’s the search for a perfect world. But… it doesn’t exsist! If we search for perfection in the world, and are guided by the LIE that there is such a place, then life will present one struggle after another. One collision with dreams and reality will follow the next… A person would never stop and smell the roses or smell the urine!!! Depending on where they are…
I see so clearly that this is exactly what I’ve been doing. But I wished for it not to be so, before entering silence… I wished to become more grounded, or to at least find something that would offer me even the tiniest of degrees of grounding so I could start living in this present situation, accepting that these are the choices I’ve made, and be fully responsible for my actions, without feeling that to move would be better the already amazing situation I’d place myself in. I wished to settle into a lifestyle that gradually takes me all over and that’s here and now, for however long I want it to last, without a time limit attached. When we see that something will end, we cling to it, if it’s good, and we wish it away, if it’s bad. But if travel is my life, and life can present us with both good and bad, then I don’t have to cling to the place I’m in, or crave for the place I’m going to. Every situation is will always change, magic comes and goes, as does misery.
Every stop is only temporary… For every place, there’s a time to arrive and a time to leave… It’s so simple, so logical, but only truly truly truly clear, when it’s being lived. And a person can only realize if it’s being lived, by taking a step back and reflecting. Those reflections are then taken forward as the next venture is embarked on… Yes… and this is my reason for blogging!!!! This is so grounding, this is so real… this is life. Wouw… Thank you so so much for reading… forever grateful...
Thursday, October 6, 2011
REAL LIFE
Taking a 15 hour bus journey from Kerala and rocking-up in Chennai on Saturday afternoon (the 1st of October), brought me back to a place so familiar. Instantly being in this huge city, with approximately 10 million people, felt so normal. Forgotten memories came flooding back, when I was sitting on the local bus, stuck in traffic, sweating bullets, cramped on a seat with a sweating mother and child and trying for my baggage and me, not to get in the way of the 30 other passengers. It was as if I’d never left…. The joys of city life!
When I was in China, the place I thought most about, when wishing to be in India, was Chennai. I wanted so desperately to return to the base I’d found when I was here last year. The base being at Jayanthis house. And here I am, being given the chance, once again, to be apart of their lives and apart of this city life, just for a short while. This step has made me realize just how easy and comfortable it’s gotten for me to be apart of peoples lives, even after time has passed. I rest easily, in places that aren’t native to me. I put my bags down, for however long we both feel it’s comfortable. And no matter how far I travel or where I may go or what challenges may occur along the way, there are always people I can turn to, those who I’ve met along the way, who I know will always be there in their place of residence. I happily let myself be absorbed in their lives and give all I can, in many different ways. And just as easily as I approach them for help, I easily accept their rejection, should my time of knocking not be the right one. And the only way to know if there’s comfort and ease on both sides, is by being honest. I figure, it’s all I can be, so as to maintain the balance in our friendship. And I can only hope that it’s happening right now, in my current situation.
So… for now, I’m placed in Chennai. It had been such an important place for me, during my trip last year. And I think it’s only normal for me to automatically witness the changes in myself just by being placed in the same place and a similar situation.
After the meditation course ended, I wondered how I’d see life. I wondered if there’d be any huge differences in me. And now in Chennai, I can notice the affects. The course really has opened my eyes. I see REALITY so REAL now… And Chennai is the perfect place to be confronted with the truth of India. Being here, and looking back on my China experience, I see that life can’t always be magical, amazing or ‘out of this world’. We can’t always be flying high on excitement. The amount of pressure a person is put under (which is self inflicted) when this ‘LIE’ (of always needing to be flying high on life or else a life is wasted) feels like such a TRUTH. BUT TRUTH BE KNOWN: it’s harmful to live life in such a way. We think that by seeking and moving towards amazement, we’re bound to be happy and successful in all that we do. But how can happiness and success come when we’re secretly forcing ourselves to be ecstatic in every single situation. When life isn’t like that?!
I see it so clearly now: when I was in China, India was magic. When I was Ireland, India was magic. When I was India last year, India was magic. And how is India now? India is… REAL. Yes it’s mystical, but it’s also harsh. It’s colourful, but it’s dirty. It can smell of jasmine flowers but of urine too. It’s full of warm hearted people, but of people who possess corrupted warped minds too.
Where has this come from? Well, during the 10 silent and secluded days - which could’ve taken place anywhere in the world - I got so in touch with the reality of ME: I saw light and dark together. And I happily saw that I’m no where near being a saint, just for the fact that I can easily be a devil. Good and bad are inside. And that’s so nice, real and true. After experiencing this truth so closely in my physical body, and coming out of meditation mode, it was only natural for me to be forced to see that same reality in the world around me; good and bad side by side.
When I was in China, the place I thought most about, when wishing to be in India, was Chennai. I wanted so desperately to return to the base I’d found when I was here last year. The base being at Jayanthis house. And here I am, being given the chance, once again, to be apart of their lives and apart of this city life, just for a short while. This step has made me realize just how easy and comfortable it’s gotten for me to be apart of peoples lives, even after time has passed. I rest easily, in places that aren’t native to me. I put my bags down, for however long we both feel it’s comfortable. And no matter how far I travel or where I may go or what challenges may occur along the way, there are always people I can turn to, those who I’ve met along the way, who I know will always be there in their place of residence. I happily let myself be absorbed in their lives and give all I can, in many different ways. And just as easily as I approach them for help, I easily accept their rejection, should my time of knocking not be the right one. And the only way to know if there’s comfort and ease on both sides, is by being honest. I figure, it’s all I can be, so as to maintain the balance in our friendship. And I can only hope that it’s happening right now, in my current situation.
So… for now, I’m placed in Chennai. It had been such an important place for me, during my trip last year. And I think it’s only normal for me to automatically witness the changes in myself just by being placed in the same place and a similar situation.
After the meditation course ended, I wondered how I’d see life. I wondered if there’d be any huge differences in me. And now in Chennai, I can notice the affects. The course really has opened my eyes. I see REALITY so REAL now… And Chennai is the perfect place to be confronted with the truth of India. Being here, and looking back on my China experience, I see that life can’t always be magical, amazing or ‘out of this world’. We can’t always be flying high on excitement. The amount of pressure a person is put under (which is self inflicted) when this ‘LIE’ (of always needing to be flying high on life or else a life is wasted) feels like such a TRUTH. BUT TRUTH BE KNOWN: it’s harmful to live life in such a way. We think that by seeking and moving towards amazement, we’re bound to be happy and successful in all that we do. But how can happiness and success come when we’re secretly forcing ourselves to be ecstatic in every single situation. When life isn’t like that?!
I see it so clearly now: when I was in China, India was magic. When I was Ireland, India was magic. When I was India last year, India was magic. And how is India now? India is… REAL. Yes it’s mystical, but it’s also harsh. It’s colourful, but it’s dirty. It can smell of jasmine flowers but of urine too. It’s full of warm hearted people, but of people who possess corrupted warped minds too.
Where has this come from? Well, during the 10 silent and secluded days - which could’ve taken place anywhere in the world - I got so in touch with the reality of ME: I saw light and dark together. And I happily saw that I’m no where near being a saint, just for the fact that I can easily be a devil. Good and bad are inside. And that’s so nice, real and true. After experiencing this truth so closely in my physical body, and coming out of meditation mode, it was only natural for me to be forced to see that same reality in the world around me; good and bad side by side.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Vipassana 2
After the first half of the week, my facial muscles had weakened… for not having smiled for so long. My legs were wobbly, for not having walked or moved much. On the moments when I spoke with the teacher (who was always willing to answer any questions and help us when we needed), I found my voice to sound so different. It was like it wasn’t me who was speaking… It was a voice from somebody or some place else. Actually, it was as if I could hear my voice the way people outside can hear me (like when you hear your own voice being recorded). The strangest sound… Anyhow, the good physical developments were that my back was becoming stronger, my backside was forming callus (making it easier to sit on a hard floor) and my eyes were getting brighter. I became lighter and lighter in my heart, as I was disposing myself of any emotional garbage I’d been carrying around with me. At one stage I felt to be travelling and every time I’d walk into the meditation hall, it was like I was going to work; heading into my own self once again, to discover what needed to be attended to, what I needed to fix or to soothe. The teacher described this type of meditation as one of the deepest forms there is. It’s like open heart surgery, where we, ourselves, are the surgeons… and by setting to work, we would repair anything that had become damaged at some stage in our life, due to our way of dealing with external factors (without ‘advertising’, for more information look it up on dhamma.org …haha)
The days passed by, time became a strange concept, yet, as the end came closer, I felt each meditation session to become a little bit more precious; because it meant the time that was left to practise the technique, before stepping back into society, was running out. I felt I needed to develop the skills as much as I could, so I’d ‘easily’ apply them in my daily life.
The final day suddenly arrived. And when it came to speaking, smiling, making eye contact and mingling… I didn’t really feel any explosion or huge relief. I just felt so lucky to have had the experience. I felt so liberated for having realized that I can do something so intense, without crumbling in self-pity or misery. I took my time before opening myself up to others… half an hour to be exact… then I needed to come to life. But I didn’t know what I wanted my ‘first words’ to be… or who to speak them to. So I kept quiet until I bumped into Anna, and I screeched some quiet noises of joy and said, ‘I’m speechless! It’s so amazing” We hugged and that was that… The silence had been broken.
The final afternoon felt like graduation… There was such a strange feeling in the air. I still had to ease myself back into the ‘normality’ of communication. It was tricky. I really noticed that my brain hadn’t been used for anything else other than observation of breath. Having a conversation that didn’t sound scattered and dazed, was a little hard and thinking of practical life, like travel arrangements, money, work, internet, emails… was almost impossible. It was such a force and everything felt so fake, unnecessary and a massive hassle. But that was something I was, of course, forced to come to terms with very quickly, because we were due to leave the site, the morning after the silence had ended. I knew couldn’t start rejecting the Indian world (or any other part of it, for that matter). I had one brief moment of panic when I realized I had no choice; the ‘game of life’ was waiting to be played and I needed to partake. And when the panic subsided, I was excited.
On the last day, sharing experiences with the girls on the course, and becoming quite close in such a short space of time, was the best way to close the chapter. They were such lovely people. And for the fact that we’d all been through such a huge experience, through such a life-changing transformation almost, there was an instant connection. Apart from Anna, I felt particularly close to Alila from South-Africa and Claire from Australia. There were other great girls too of course who stood out for the peace and ease they practised during their own ‘open heart surgery’. But these 3 girls stood tall and strong in their own personal journey through vipassana and I was strangely proud of their determination.
Wednesday morning we took a rickshaw together, back to the nearest town. We hopped on a train, headed south to Trivandrum and still were very much in our own bubble of ‘positivity and wonderment’. We were talking and learning from each other up until the moment came for our individual paths to head in different directions. Except for me and Anna; we went back to the guest house where we’d been staying before we went on the course. I needed a day or 2 to ease myself into the land of the living and to arrange my next step.
At the moment, I’m still in the guesthouse. And tonight I’m heading to Chennai. Yes, I booked an overnight bus, leaving from Trivandrum at 8pm to arrive in Chennai at 11am tomorrow morning. I’m going to visit Jayanthi! I met her on the English teaching course last year and stayed with her and her family for a month in March during my first Indian chapter. And now it’s time to catch-up again. I can’t wait. Yesterday, when I was buying the ticket and I felt strangely light, independent and free. A great way to temporarily move on from Kerala. The end of October will see me back here again, but for now, it’s time to go and to see how the 10 days of silence effects me, in one of India's biggest cities... Yay (I think...)!
The days passed by, time became a strange concept, yet, as the end came closer, I felt each meditation session to become a little bit more precious; because it meant the time that was left to practise the technique, before stepping back into society, was running out. I felt I needed to develop the skills as much as I could, so I’d ‘easily’ apply them in my daily life.
The final day suddenly arrived. And when it came to speaking, smiling, making eye contact and mingling… I didn’t really feel any explosion or huge relief. I just felt so lucky to have had the experience. I felt so liberated for having realized that I can do something so intense, without crumbling in self-pity or misery. I took my time before opening myself up to others… half an hour to be exact… then I needed to come to life. But I didn’t know what I wanted my ‘first words’ to be… or who to speak them to. So I kept quiet until I bumped into Anna, and I screeched some quiet noises of joy and said, ‘I’m speechless! It’s so amazing” We hugged and that was that… The silence had been broken.
The final afternoon felt like graduation… There was such a strange feeling in the air. I still had to ease myself back into the ‘normality’ of communication. It was tricky. I really noticed that my brain hadn’t been used for anything else other than observation of breath. Having a conversation that didn’t sound scattered and dazed, was a little hard and thinking of practical life, like travel arrangements, money, work, internet, emails… was almost impossible. It was such a force and everything felt so fake, unnecessary and a massive hassle. But that was something I was, of course, forced to come to terms with very quickly, because we were due to leave the site, the morning after the silence had ended. I knew couldn’t start rejecting the Indian world (or any other part of it, for that matter). I had one brief moment of panic when I realized I had no choice; the ‘game of life’ was waiting to be played and I needed to partake. And when the panic subsided, I was excited.
On the last day, sharing experiences with the girls on the course, and becoming quite close in such a short space of time, was the best way to close the chapter. They were such lovely people. And for the fact that we’d all been through such a huge experience, through such a life-changing transformation almost, there was an instant connection. Apart from Anna, I felt particularly close to Alila from South-Africa and Claire from Australia. There were other great girls too of course who stood out for the peace and ease they practised during their own ‘open heart surgery’. But these 3 girls stood tall and strong in their own personal journey through vipassana and I was strangely proud of their determination.
Wednesday morning we took a rickshaw together, back to the nearest town. We hopped on a train, headed south to Trivandrum and still were very much in our own bubble of ‘positivity and wonderment’. We were talking and learning from each other up until the moment came for our individual paths to head in different directions. Except for me and Anna; we went back to the guest house where we’d been staying before we went on the course. I needed a day or 2 to ease myself into the land of the living and to arrange my next step.
At the moment, I’m still in the guesthouse. And tonight I’m heading to Chennai. Yes, I booked an overnight bus, leaving from Trivandrum at 8pm to arrive in Chennai at 11am tomorrow morning. I’m going to visit Jayanthi! I met her on the English teaching course last year and stayed with her and her family for a month in March during my first Indian chapter. And now it’s time to catch-up again. I can’t wait. Yesterday, when I was buying the ticket and I felt strangely light, independent and free. A great way to temporarily move on from Kerala. The end of October will see me back here again, but for now, it’s time to go and to see how the 10 days of silence effects me, in one of India's biggest cities... Yay (I think...)!
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