Roses and fresh fruit

This is real life… and I have to be able to cope. I can’t put that guard around me, when it leads me to nearly crash. For some reason it was like a coping mechanism, but it’s not helping me cope at all! Not if the result leads me to feel so bad!

Life in Ireland, life in Australia, life in India… Interacting, meeting, and facing the world – wherever we are. Issues will always arise. The only difference for me is that I’m in China. Bringing an extra ‘thing’ into the challenge: I have to able to deal with Chinese society, Chinese life, Chinese people, Chinese language along with the job, the colleagues and the general pressure that comes with teaching… I sometimes tell myself to just ‘suck it up’ and get on with it. I tell myself to stop being so overly analytical and so bloody sensitive to my surroundings. But why would I try to act differently than I’m feeling? For who would I do this? I don’t need to prove who I am or what I’m capable of; not to the company, not to my colleagues, nor to myself. I can be open and honest. Also I may be too sensitive in the eyes of those around me. But I’ve learnt that to show weakness and vulnerability is a strength. It takes courage to stand up and say that things can smell of stale urine and fermented garbage and that this smell isn’t making me happy! And yes the effects of such smells can not only mentally send me into turmoil, but they can also send me physically into similar states! So there you have it…

I sat today (Monday, my day off) with Helen and Elaine – 2 colleagues who I can totally relate to on different levels outside of the office – and I said that something has to change. I know for a fact that the way I’ve been experiencing the office environment lately has been created by something in me. It’s not like a few weeks ago, when the company was putting the pressure on. But now, I know it’s me… (this is also a reason for me to say that I’m NOT LEAVING)… I have to change something… I don’t know what though. All I know is, it can ONLY be for the better.

So, the reality of the situation is that I have deal with whatever it is that’s going on. The going gets tough and Niamh doesn’t get going! I’ve landed, I’m here and I’m grounded. Does this mean I’m trapped? No. Because I’m choosing to stay here for reasons that go further than the contract I’ve signed. Does this mean I’m unhappy? No. Because, honestly I can say that through it all, I still smile. I smile when I go to my classes. I smile when the kids learn the smallest of things and when they get excited by how I’m teaching. I smile when I walk to the markets to get that fresh smelling fruit. I smile when I pass-by the old Chinese men on the street playing their card games… and I’m happy when they express their ‘fluency’ of the English language that goes no further than a proud and loud ‘hello’. And especially I smile when I meet with particular colleagues outside of work and when I return to my place, where I’m free…

Again, I’m not making anything into more or less than it is… because even this sense of wonderment, is my reality. I’m not disguising my issues behind a picture perfect description of what I see and do everyday. I’m just experiencing 2 realities right now. Is it a healthy balance… or will the upcoming change (whatever it may be) prove otherwise?...