My last entry was somewhat of mess. It was a true reflection of how I was in that moment of writing. It was Thursday the 1st when I wrote it. It’s now… Sunday the 4th. The week has been so crazy. The only time my head was clear enough to write, was on Thursday – but really, after reading what I wrote I figured out that my head was nowhere near as clear as it could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been, had I slept and rested more throughout the previous days. Either way, no worries. This is what’s been happening since leaving the office last week Sunday.
I’d said my goodbyes to most of the teachers and once I stood outside the school, I was free. Emotional of course, but positive. I was then taken to dinner by the ‘foreign gang’ from work. Which was so nice. They’d arranged it for me, and really made an effort to give me good send-off. Afterwards we went for some drinks in a bar. Something I’ve not done in ages, but it’s what I needed. As well it was so good to ground myself in the company of the teachers who are and always will be an important part in my Jinzhou experience. So I was grateful for the way the evening planned out. The goodbyes again, affected me more than I imagined, just like the goodbyes I’d said to the kids throughout the day. And it was only by saying goodbye, did it really hit home, just how much others appreciated me being there… It was something I never really was aware of, not until I took a step back later that night; the entire day, started rolling through my mind.
This thinking, kept me from my sleep… 3 hours is all I managed to get. I was then up at the crack of dawn on that last day and needed to get so much done. But, if somebody had been watching my moves during the day, they’d never have guessed! Because I was literally floating, in a tired daze. I got absorbed in journaling, when really I should’ve been packing. I was meeting a few of the Chinese staff from work, to say goodbye, when really I should’ve been sorting some ‘business’… I was sitting in a coffee shop, by myself, writing poetry (!!!!!) when really I should’ve been getting a few last bits from the market. I was meeting the new boss from work, when really I should’ve been PACKING! Man oh man… it was so strange. I was floating and I didn't care less... I was enjoying my last day, being carefree… There wasn’t any stress involved at all. And to be honest, I don’t even think I’d have had the energy to stress myself out ;)
In the evening, I was working on my last painting… still not packed!!!! I then began to wonder if and when I was actually going to start moving things along… But suddenly I kicked myself into gear at around 7pm. And the packing commenced. A whirlwind took over my apartment for around about 2 hours (it was me, by the way) and then I hit a bump. But that was fine. I figured the last little bits could wait until the following morning. And the bump struck at the perfect time too; Helen came round for a chat and to pick-up some stuff I was passing on. So nice it was, to actually speak about what was happening…
By this stage, it was like I wanted and needed myself to be stressed and fearful and excited and emotional… at least if I was experiencing ‘normal’ feelings due to what was happening, I’d truly feel that something big was changing in my life. But, they never came. Instead I was calm and focused. I guess I wanted to flow with this ‘massive change’ MORE SO than I wanted to stress and panic myself over what I was doing and the risks that were involved and the affects the move could end up having on me. There proved no fear to be felt and instead a great deal of flow to be experienced. Sad emotions had all been disposed of, the night before. And Monday night was time for calm and settled feelings.
My last night of sleep, in the apartment that was so ‘beautiful’, but no longer mine, only lasted 3 hours….again! Whaa… the excitement was kicking in. And sleep didn’t feel too important. So, when the sun finally rose, I was happy and extremely eager to get the show on the road! Things needed to start moving. I needed action. And sure enough, in due time, action came knocking at my door. One of the managing staff from work arrived at my apartment at 8am, to take the keys. As cool as a cucumber I was packing my last bits and pieces, my backpack was still growing and becoming heavier by the minute… But that was just a minor weight to bear… My muscles would prove to be getting the workout they’d been missing over the past months ;)
Anyhow, I was so ready to move on, it was almost daunting. Usually I’d want a moment by myself, to properly absorb the space I’d been living in, the place I’d never again set foot in, before closing the door behind me. But I didn’t even need those moments… Nope! I figured I’ve most definitely had too many hours of being alone in that space, that a special goodbye wasn’t too much of the essence. And I realized that, no matter how luxurious it was… it was never really my home. It was just an… apartment after all. I'm sure there are gorgeous ones everywhere in the world… and anyhow, I was off to India to find my gorgeous hut instead!!!! Way better than a space in an apartment block situated in the north eastern part of China (oops, didn’t mean to slip in some bad notes about Jinzhou…) All in all, closing the door behind me, on Tuesday morning (the 30th), felt like the most natural thing in the world. I was simultaneously closing the door to Jinzhou too... or maybe leaving it on a small latch - I've learnt how important it is to NEVER burn any brigdes :)
The last taxi ride through Jinzhou as I made my way to the state… was … good good good! I was heading to Beijing! Helen and I set-off together, which is something we planned the week before. She wanted to visit a friend of hers, Roger, who also offered to put me up for 2 nights - giving me 2 days to explore Beijing. Helen would stay for 1 night and go back to Jinzhou on Wednesday afternoon.
The excitement started to hit home, once I was on the train on Tuesday morning… It was so cool to realize that there was no turning back. No matter what would threaten to stop me in my tracks, there really was nothing that would ever stop me in my tracks… how reassuring!
Showing posts with label Jinzhou. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jinzhou. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A late update; the 28th concluded
But, I was revealing the deeper truth behind my smile and I found that I DO have personal things to attend to, and yes, my weight may have dropped slightly. Even still, this admittance made me feel so exposed, especially because it was to a room full of parents who I’d only consider as being ‘familiar faces’, nothing more, nothing less… It was exposure I was unprepared for and I felt like such a failure; the fact that something from my past was now being ‘used’ as my key to become free from EF and as EFs’ key to become free from a bad reputation. We were both using something so personal and so real to help make a bad situation (that I’d created) a little better. But I guess it was the truth and by leaving I was consciously choosing to make things better, for myself, when taking my whole ‘journey’ into account. I was preventing ‘things’ from getting worse. I can now see that during those meetings, I actually WAS setting myself free from anything that could’ve harmed me and steered me away from my truth, had I continued to force myself to stay in an environment that wasn’t suiting me, not on a deeper level.
It was so hard to keep a hold of reality though, without getting too confused, too upset, too emotional and too lost in my past. And nobody had a clue just how painful it was. I, myself, didn’t even have a clue how painful it was, not until it came to the forth meeting of the day… the FORTH time to be ‘scrutinized’ and judged for my physical appearance. The FORTH time for me to say I had to leave and let everyone down in the process. I nearly burst into tears in front of 14 adults… just because of… EVERYTHING. Things felt to explode in my face.
I realize now, there was almost too much going on for me to have dealt fully with the situation on Sunday; there was the rising pain of the past, the approaching light of the new adventure and that present day I so desperately wanted to appreciate wholeheartedly, as it was my last.
So the emotions were inside, being stirred. But on the outside I continued to give what I could, to the parents, the kids and the colleagues. I was rising and falling all day long, and the exposure was almost overwhelming. There wasn’t enough of me to go round and I felt be placed in the spot light, for 15 whole hours. When I was rising, I could happily see what I’d contributed to the kids’ foreign experience and I knew I was moving on, towards better things. I knew in those moments that I was putting my own needs before everybody else’s. That was something I needed to keep close. Because, when I was falling, my head was spinning and the spot light was shining upon me for all the wrong reasons… I felt like a hypocrite, who was receiving too much importance, for ‘simply’ choosing to follow my heart. Such a contradiction; how can following the heart be so wrong??? Hummm… Just goes to show that I was emotionally all over the place…
By the end of the day, the head teacher was delighted with the response from the parents and the outcome of the meetings. She even thanked me for how well I’d handled it and how honest I was. The parents obviously felt I was genuine and therefore wished me well even though they would miss me. When I left the office on Sunday evening, for the last time, they even said that, if I ever wanted to come back, there would always a place for me. This really shocked me… But maybe the actions I took on that dreaded Sunday, had put right the wrong I felt to be doing, on behalf of the school. The whole event made me realize that being honest and open will always be only the way to move away from one place, without leaving behind any scars. It helps to move easily onwards to another place to rest assured that I did all I could to wipe the slate clean ‘everywhere’, before starting a fresh.
All in all, it was a painful day but I needed to experience it. And I now can close the chapter of teaching English in China and venture onwards. As for my personal issues and the weight loss; I trust and believe so strongly that, when I’m in a good place (in my mind as well as my surroundings), then everything will fall into accord… as it should. So happy and free I already feel. Life is good…
It was so hard to keep a hold of reality though, without getting too confused, too upset, too emotional and too lost in my past. And nobody had a clue just how painful it was. I, myself, didn’t even have a clue how painful it was, not until it came to the forth meeting of the day… the FORTH time to be ‘scrutinized’ and judged for my physical appearance. The FORTH time for me to say I had to leave and let everyone down in the process. I nearly burst into tears in front of 14 adults… just because of… EVERYTHING. Things felt to explode in my face.
I realize now, there was almost too much going on for me to have dealt fully with the situation on Sunday; there was the rising pain of the past, the approaching light of the new adventure and that present day I so desperately wanted to appreciate wholeheartedly, as it was my last.
So the emotions were inside, being stirred. But on the outside I continued to give what I could, to the parents, the kids and the colleagues. I was rising and falling all day long, and the exposure was almost overwhelming. There wasn’t enough of me to go round and I felt be placed in the spot light, for 15 whole hours. When I was rising, I could happily see what I’d contributed to the kids’ foreign experience and I knew I was moving on, towards better things. I knew in those moments that I was putting my own needs before everybody else’s. That was something I needed to keep close. Because, when I was falling, my head was spinning and the spot light was shining upon me for all the wrong reasons… I felt like a hypocrite, who was receiving too much importance, for ‘simply’ choosing to follow my heart. Such a contradiction; how can following the heart be so wrong??? Hummm… Just goes to show that I was emotionally all over the place…
By the end of the day, the head teacher was delighted with the response from the parents and the outcome of the meetings. She even thanked me for how well I’d handled it and how honest I was. The parents obviously felt I was genuine and therefore wished me well even though they would miss me. When I left the office on Sunday evening, for the last time, they even said that, if I ever wanted to come back, there would always a place for me. This really shocked me… But maybe the actions I took on that dreaded Sunday, had put right the wrong I felt to be doing, on behalf of the school. The whole event made me realize that being honest and open will always be only the way to move away from one place, without leaving behind any scars. It helps to move easily onwards to another place to rest assured that I did all I could to wipe the slate clean ‘everywhere’, before starting a fresh.
All in all, it was a painful day but I needed to experience it. And I now can close the chapter of teaching English in China and venture onwards. As for my personal issues and the weight loss; I trust and believe so strongly that, when I’m in a good place (in my mind as well as my surroundings), then everything will fall into accord… as it should. So happy and free I already feel. Life is good…
A late update - My last day of teaching in Jinzhou (28-08)
Sunday the 28th, my last day of teaching for EF; it turned out to be a day that shook me about in too many ways. It’s now Thursday the 1st of September, I’m sitting in Shanghai airport, and only getting a chance to properly reflect on what happened – I’ve been massively preoccupied with moving, ever since… So I’ll just play catch-up for now.
Looking back, the entire day was a daze… From 8am in the morning, straight through until 11pm. I had maybe a grand total of 30 minutes in between those long hours to be by myself, to shed some tears and to take stock of what was happening.
Why did it turn into such a big day? Well, on top of the normal hours of teaching, I, of course had to say goodbye to the kids at the end of every class – which brought up many unexpected emotions – AND I had to give unprepared teacher meetings in my breaks. After walking out of every class for the very last time, I had to walk into the next class that was filled with the parents of the kids I’d only just said goodbye to. They were eagerly waiting for an explanation from me, as to why I was leaving. I had no time to get myself in the ‘presentation zone’ before talking so openly with the parents and ‘breaking the disappointing news’ that I was letting down the kids and thus letting down the parents, by choosing to leave China.
So, basically, I was being told to confirm to the parents, in English, that what the ‘head teacher’ was telling them, in Chinese, was true: I was leaving China and returning to ‘Ireland’, for the sake of my health. The school was using my physical appearance as justification for my departure; in the hope that it would lessen the disappointment the parents would feel when realizing the school wasn’t providing their kids with the foreign English teacher that EF had ‘promised’ would be teaching them. My boss and the other ‘head teacher’ figured that by using this ‘excuse’ – and getting me to confirm it - my moving-on wouldn’t be too damaging for the reputation of the school.
Was this ‘excuse’ made up? And where did my boss and ‘head teacher’ suddenly get the notion from that it was ‘okay’ to be speaking of my health, just so the school wouldn’t loose business, as a result of my departure? Well, they got it from me! 5 or 6 weeks ago, I realized I’d lost a small amount of weight since first arriving in China. To me, it was a shock and it brought back many of my old issues. I used this realization as the sign that Jinzhou wasn’t right for me. The subconscious yet slight weight loss, told me that I wasn’t truly happy in the situation I’d been so desperate to place myself in. To me, this minor ‘loss’ was a result of trying to be somebody I’m obviously not entirely happy being, by pushing, forcing and proving myself and my abilities in and to the world (when deep down, this really isn’t needed. Not anymore. I know exactly who I am and what I want to be doing in this life and I don’t need to force or to push to be that person).
This painful dawning however, led me to break down and so I made the ‘rash’ (but wise) decision to break away from a place that was affecting my health, because of the force I’d been applying in order to be happy in Jinzhou. Some of you will understand, others may not… but I can’t go too much into it right now… not enough…huuummm…. space… in this post ;)
Either way… when I approached my boss with the news that I was definitely leaving, I touched the subject, stating that ‘when I’m unhappy in a place, I can be affected physically’ (or something along those lines). I had to be as superficial as possible, whilst trying to be honest and real at the same time – just to attain some degree of understanding from him. And on a personal level, it did come. But he also knew that my actions could potentially cost him business, so he chose to openly use the ‘evident truth’ of the kilos I’d shed and so, my reason for leaving became real; I had personal issues (that will always to some extent, be health related) and I needed to attend to them.
To stick to the matter at hand; my last day at EF. During every single meeting, I felt as though I was being punished for following my heart; my heart that was no longer in Jinzhou. I was paying my dues, for having exposed myself to my boss and for having told him of my unhappiness. My punishment was; standing in front of 10 to 14 parents, five times over, and telling them I was leaving, because I had personal issues to attend to. I had no choice but to expose the truth. As I sat there, I felt as though I was lying… Health problems! What a joke! I was living, I was breathing, I was teaching, walking, talking, eating and smiling. How could I sit there and say such lies???!!!!
Looking back, the entire day was a daze… From 8am in the morning, straight through until 11pm. I had maybe a grand total of 30 minutes in between those long hours to be by myself, to shed some tears and to take stock of what was happening.
Why did it turn into such a big day? Well, on top of the normal hours of teaching, I, of course had to say goodbye to the kids at the end of every class – which brought up many unexpected emotions – AND I had to give unprepared teacher meetings in my breaks. After walking out of every class for the very last time, I had to walk into the next class that was filled with the parents of the kids I’d only just said goodbye to. They were eagerly waiting for an explanation from me, as to why I was leaving. I had no time to get myself in the ‘presentation zone’ before talking so openly with the parents and ‘breaking the disappointing news’ that I was letting down the kids and thus letting down the parents, by choosing to leave China.
So, basically, I was being told to confirm to the parents, in English, that what the ‘head teacher’ was telling them, in Chinese, was true: I was leaving China and returning to ‘Ireland’, for the sake of my health. The school was using my physical appearance as justification for my departure; in the hope that it would lessen the disappointment the parents would feel when realizing the school wasn’t providing their kids with the foreign English teacher that EF had ‘promised’ would be teaching them. My boss and the other ‘head teacher’ figured that by using this ‘excuse’ – and getting me to confirm it - my moving-on wouldn’t be too damaging for the reputation of the school.
Was this ‘excuse’ made up? And where did my boss and ‘head teacher’ suddenly get the notion from that it was ‘okay’ to be speaking of my health, just so the school wouldn’t loose business, as a result of my departure? Well, they got it from me! 5 or 6 weeks ago, I realized I’d lost a small amount of weight since first arriving in China. To me, it was a shock and it brought back many of my old issues. I used this realization as the sign that Jinzhou wasn’t right for me. The subconscious yet slight weight loss, told me that I wasn’t truly happy in the situation I’d been so desperate to place myself in. To me, this minor ‘loss’ was a result of trying to be somebody I’m obviously not entirely happy being, by pushing, forcing and proving myself and my abilities in and to the world (when deep down, this really isn’t needed. Not anymore. I know exactly who I am and what I want to be doing in this life and I don’t need to force or to push to be that person).
This painful dawning however, led me to break down and so I made the ‘rash’ (but wise) decision to break away from a place that was affecting my health, because of the force I’d been applying in order to be happy in Jinzhou. Some of you will understand, others may not… but I can’t go too much into it right now… not enough…huuummm…. space… in this post ;)
Either way… when I approached my boss with the news that I was definitely leaving, I touched the subject, stating that ‘when I’m unhappy in a place, I can be affected physically’ (or something along those lines). I had to be as superficial as possible, whilst trying to be honest and real at the same time – just to attain some degree of understanding from him. And on a personal level, it did come. But he also knew that my actions could potentially cost him business, so he chose to openly use the ‘evident truth’ of the kilos I’d shed and so, my reason for leaving became real; I had personal issues (that will always to some extent, be health related) and I needed to attend to them.
To stick to the matter at hand; my last day at EF. During every single meeting, I felt as though I was being punished for following my heart; my heart that was no longer in Jinzhou. I was paying my dues, for having exposed myself to my boss and for having told him of my unhappiness. My punishment was; standing in front of 10 to 14 parents, five times over, and telling them I was leaving, because I had personal issues to attend to. I had no choice but to expose the truth. As I sat there, I felt as though I was lying… Health problems! What a joke! I was living, I was breathing, I was teaching, walking, talking, eating and smiling. How could I sit there and say such lies???!!!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Visa response and flying time
My 6 month visa to India came through! Yes yes yes… My passport arrived in the mail on Sunday, signed, sealed and delivered, with my visa attached… There’s no turning back now…
The relief I felt when I saw my ‘ticket to freedom’ was unreal. Once I’d taken a moment by myself to open up the envelope and see if it was actually approved, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I ran into the office, on overdrive. All the teachers were just sitting around, waiting for class to start. Suddenly I started jumping around like a mad woman, holding my passport and shouting that I’ll soon be out of here and that I’m on my way…!!! Oops… it probably wasn’t the thing I should’ve done in that moment, but I just had to let my excitement out… The response I got… hummm… there were a few colleagues who were happy for me and then a few who cursed the fact that I was leaving. The rain COULD’VE started to fall on my parade, but I refused to let it. It was my moment and nobody’s cursing was going to steal it! So I childishly cursed them back, and said that nobody was going to bring me down. I wasn't going to hide my happiness for the fact that I’m leaving…
At the moment, I’ve still got to teach until Sunday. 5 days left. I’m not too sure when exactly I’ll leave Jinzhou, either the 29th or the 30th. Counting down the days may seem as though I’m wishing my time here away. But I realized I’m not wishing it away, I’m just seeing how long I’ve still got left to tie up loose ends. I actually wouldn’t want it to be happening right now. Because I’m not ready! Haha… However, when Monday comes, I know I’ll be ready and then it’ll be time. For now, I know exactly what I still need to do, who I need to meet up with and what other small details I have to sort out – such a transferring funds, getting train and bus connections, packing things up, passing things on and sending things home. And this week of teaching, I have to approach with the mindset of: my job is already done, the pressure is off and there’s nothing more or less I can do now… Except enjoy my classes with the kids and perhaps be obliged to explain my unexpected leave to the parents. This is the most important thing at work, this week.
It’s strange, but the closer the move comes, the calmer I’m feeling. To others around me, this has proven to be something they can’t comprehend. “Niamh, EVERYTHING in your life is about to change… your home, your contacts, your job, your environment, your diet, your finances… EVERYTHING is going to change so quickly! How can you be so calm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? When will you have time to process, when you’re moving and being distracted by the chaos in the world…”
These aren’t questions I’ve asked myself, but they’ve come from people around me… And my answer is simple: This is something I’ve done before, and I feel so strongly that it’s the right thing, so there’s no need to be nervous or stressed. It’s going to work. I NEED to change EVERYTHING, so the places I go to and the people I meet are in accordance with the visions my mind has been holding onto for months. It’s so simple.
In regards to ‘processing the process of change’, this is something I do as I literally travel. I consciously make the actual journey into a longer one by choosing flight connections that are drawn-out or train journeys that last for days… I don’t care if I’ve to wait for 12 hours at the airport… or sleep 2 nights on the train. It always gives me the chance to find a place and write about where I’ve just come from and where I’m heading. It means I’m totally experiencing the journey. And I actually love the waiting. Some of best moments of writing have been done in between flights, or on planes. On stop-overs, time flies. After one flight has physically landed and before the next one takes-off, time is nowhere, time zones are irrelevant and I loose myself so happily. When making a ‘drastic’ change, I make each journey into a memorable one, because of the writing I do, whilst being in transition. And that’s the ‘processing of the process of change’. It’s releasing the experiences, step by step and so, when the time comes to step-off the plane and into the new part of the world that will be my place for as long as it feels comfortable… then I’m totally recharged, fresh and ready for the experience.
This actually makes me feel totally fine to know that I’ll have 12 hours in Shanghai airport next Thursday, and 40 hours on a train, once I land in Mumbai next Friday morning while making my way down south to Kerala. Happy days await
The relief I felt when I saw my ‘ticket to freedom’ was unreal. Once I’d taken a moment by myself to open up the envelope and see if it was actually approved, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I ran into the office, on overdrive. All the teachers were just sitting around, waiting for class to start. Suddenly I started jumping around like a mad woman, holding my passport and shouting that I’ll soon be out of here and that I’m on my way…!!! Oops… it probably wasn’t the thing I should’ve done in that moment, but I just had to let my excitement out… The response I got… hummm… there were a few colleagues who were happy for me and then a few who cursed the fact that I was leaving. The rain COULD’VE started to fall on my parade, but I refused to let it. It was my moment and nobody’s cursing was going to steal it! So I childishly cursed them back, and said that nobody was going to bring me down. I wasn't going to hide my happiness for the fact that I’m leaving…
At the moment, I’ve still got to teach until Sunday. 5 days left. I’m not too sure when exactly I’ll leave Jinzhou, either the 29th or the 30th. Counting down the days may seem as though I’m wishing my time here away. But I realized I’m not wishing it away, I’m just seeing how long I’ve still got left to tie up loose ends. I actually wouldn’t want it to be happening right now. Because I’m not ready! Haha… However, when Monday comes, I know I’ll be ready and then it’ll be time. For now, I know exactly what I still need to do, who I need to meet up with and what other small details I have to sort out – such a transferring funds, getting train and bus connections, packing things up, passing things on and sending things home. And this week of teaching, I have to approach with the mindset of: my job is already done, the pressure is off and there’s nothing more or less I can do now… Except enjoy my classes with the kids and perhaps be obliged to explain my unexpected leave to the parents. This is the most important thing at work, this week.
It’s strange, but the closer the move comes, the calmer I’m feeling. To others around me, this has proven to be something they can’t comprehend. “Niamh, EVERYTHING in your life is about to change… your home, your contacts, your job, your environment, your diet, your finances… EVERYTHING is going to change so quickly! How can you be so calm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? When will you have time to process, when you’re moving and being distracted by the chaos in the world…”
These aren’t questions I’ve asked myself, but they’ve come from people around me… And my answer is simple: This is something I’ve done before, and I feel so strongly that it’s the right thing, so there’s no need to be nervous or stressed. It’s going to work. I NEED to change EVERYTHING, so the places I go to and the people I meet are in accordance with the visions my mind has been holding onto for months. It’s so simple.
In regards to ‘processing the process of change’, this is something I do as I literally travel. I consciously make the actual journey into a longer one by choosing flight connections that are drawn-out or train journeys that last for days… I don’t care if I’ve to wait for 12 hours at the airport… or sleep 2 nights on the train. It always gives me the chance to find a place and write about where I’ve just come from and where I’m heading. It means I’m totally experiencing the journey. And I actually love the waiting. Some of best moments of writing have been done in between flights, or on planes. On stop-overs, time flies. After one flight has physically landed and before the next one takes-off, time is nowhere, time zones are irrelevant and I loose myself so happily. When making a ‘drastic’ change, I make each journey into a memorable one, because of the writing I do, whilst being in transition. And that’s the ‘processing of the process of change’. It’s releasing the experiences, step by step and so, when the time comes to step-off the plane and into the new part of the world that will be my place for as long as it feels comfortable… then I’m totally recharged, fresh and ready for the experience.
This actually makes me feel totally fine to know that I’ll have 12 hours in Shanghai airport next Thursday, and 40 hours on a train, once I land in Mumbai next Friday morning while making my way down south to Kerala. Happy days await
Friday, August 19, 2011
Kerala calling
In exactly 2 weeks I SHOULD be on a plane to India. Thursday the 1st of September. Can’t quite believe it… I’ve not received my passport yet, so I’m still waiting for that to be my ‘ticket to freedom’…
At times I‘m almost afraid to NOT focus on India, because I feel something might come along to disrupt my intentions and it won’t happen. I know it’s because nothing feels to have been secured in reality yet… like the visa. As well it’s because things have happened so fast and it’s all ‘last minute’… And I have to keep believing and being patient; if now is my time to return, then it’s going to happen.
So, what are my ‘plans’ for when I do finally get there? It’s to first go to an ashram for a month. I need to refuel, to chill-out and to do as much as possible that involves doing as little as possible… apart from yoga and writing… I’ve nearly got my heart set on a particular place, just in contact with them at the moment and checking out availability and train tickets for when I get to Mumbai so I can travel down south.
Of course I’ve been thinking about whether or not to continue teaching once I’m feeling grounded again. And, I already know, that yes I do want to teach. For some reason I want to be with these kids. I don’t know who I’m referring to, when I say ‘these’… but that doesn’t matter… Kids are kids everywhere in the world and I want to be around them…
3 weeks ago when I first realized I needed to move onwards to India, there was one person who came to mind. I hadn’t thought about him for months. It was the chairman of the Art of Living association. This is the association I worked for, when I first started teaching in Kerala (the southern state in India) and he was the one who gave me the job. That particular teaching experience, which only lasted 5 short weeks, was the one I’ve wanted to go back to, ever since leaving. It’s the experience I’ve compared THIS current teaching job to, as well as the second teaching job I had in Kerala (which was the boarding school called Ebenezer). Even when I was back in Ireland writing my book, the chairman would ring my mams house in ARKLOW to see if I wanted to come back to India to teach for his schools again. This I always felt to be the strangest thing… Because my time in India felt, and still often feels, to have been a dream, but home, in Arklow, is…. reality… and for him to call from a place, that I never classed as being apart of the ‘normal’ world, was many many things that I can’t put into words in this blog. Anyhow, I was always tempted to go back. I actually knew I would teach for him again. But then the China opportunity came along, and I jumped at the chance of experiencing something different.
And so, the chairman stopped calling my mams house. He thought I’d not get in touch… Until 3 weeks ago; lying here on my couch in my ‘perfect’ little life, in China, in floods of tears wanting to break free, feeling that my heart was actually departing Jinzhou in that one particular breakdown… and wishing so badly to be free. And who pops into my mind; the chairman. After so long, he was the person I needed to connect with.
And I did. I emailed him within a few days. I set the ball rolling. He replied, delighted to hear from me, stating he had a few positions in Kerala that he needed to fill. And one of them was mine, if I wanted. That’s when the relief came and I couldn’t believe my luck… The world started to feel open again…
Right now, we’re still emailing back and forth, but nothing has been set. I’ve said that if I start work, it won’t be until mid or end of October. Because I need to properly distance myself from China and gear myself up for India, whilst being in the ashram. I figure, as the weeks pass, I’ll know if I’m meant to be teaching for his schools again. Either way, it’s an environment I’ve always wanted to experience again. And if it’s something I simply need to do, then it will happen at some point along the way. If there’s anything I’ve learnt over the past weeks… it’s that, no matter how down I feel in the office environment and how withdrawn and isolated I’ve become, once I step into the class… I’m me again… I’m open, I’m happy, I’m appreciating my job and I’m loving the kids. So it’s something that will travel with me and I know that the opportunities DO stretch beyond every boarder and that they are all only temporary, but all for the purpose of moving me forward… even this current experience is proving to have been for that same purpose…
Movement requires us to be static or stationary in a certain place for a certain length of time, until the time comes to take the actual step.
At times I‘m almost afraid to NOT focus on India, because I feel something might come along to disrupt my intentions and it won’t happen. I know it’s because nothing feels to have been secured in reality yet… like the visa. As well it’s because things have happened so fast and it’s all ‘last minute’… And I have to keep believing and being patient; if now is my time to return, then it’s going to happen.
So, what are my ‘plans’ for when I do finally get there? It’s to first go to an ashram for a month. I need to refuel, to chill-out and to do as much as possible that involves doing as little as possible… apart from yoga and writing… I’ve nearly got my heart set on a particular place, just in contact with them at the moment and checking out availability and train tickets for when I get to Mumbai so I can travel down south.
Of course I’ve been thinking about whether or not to continue teaching once I’m feeling grounded again. And, I already know, that yes I do want to teach. For some reason I want to be with these kids. I don’t know who I’m referring to, when I say ‘these’… but that doesn’t matter… Kids are kids everywhere in the world and I want to be around them…
3 weeks ago when I first realized I needed to move onwards to India, there was one person who came to mind. I hadn’t thought about him for months. It was the chairman of the Art of Living association. This is the association I worked for, when I first started teaching in Kerala (the southern state in India) and he was the one who gave me the job. That particular teaching experience, which only lasted 5 short weeks, was the one I’ve wanted to go back to, ever since leaving. It’s the experience I’ve compared THIS current teaching job to, as well as the second teaching job I had in Kerala (which was the boarding school called Ebenezer). Even when I was back in Ireland writing my book, the chairman would ring my mams house in ARKLOW to see if I wanted to come back to India to teach for his schools again. This I always felt to be the strangest thing… Because my time in India felt, and still often feels, to have been a dream, but home, in Arklow, is…. reality… and for him to call from a place, that I never classed as being apart of the ‘normal’ world, was many many things that I can’t put into words in this blog. Anyhow, I was always tempted to go back. I actually knew I would teach for him again. But then the China opportunity came along, and I jumped at the chance of experiencing something different.
And so, the chairman stopped calling my mams house. He thought I’d not get in touch… Until 3 weeks ago; lying here on my couch in my ‘perfect’ little life, in China, in floods of tears wanting to break free, feeling that my heart was actually departing Jinzhou in that one particular breakdown… and wishing so badly to be free. And who pops into my mind; the chairman. After so long, he was the person I needed to connect with.
And I did. I emailed him within a few days. I set the ball rolling. He replied, delighted to hear from me, stating he had a few positions in Kerala that he needed to fill. And one of them was mine, if I wanted. That’s when the relief came and I couldn’t believe my luck… The world started to feel open again…
Right now, we’re still emailing back and forth, but nothing has been set. I’ve said that if I start work, it won’t be until mid or end of October. Because I need to properly distance myself from China and gear myself up for India, whilst being in the ashram. I figure, as the weeks pass, I’ll know if I’m meant to be teaching for his schools again. Either way, it’s an environment I’ve always wanted to experience again. And if it’s something I simply need to do, then it will happen at some point along the way. If there’s anything I’ve learnt over the past weeks… it’s that, no matter how down I feel in the office environment and how withdrawn and isolated I’ve become, once I step into the class… I’m me again… I’m open, I’m happy, I’m appreciating my job and I’m loving the kids. So it’s something that will travel with me and I know that the opportunities DO stretch beyond every boarder and that they are all only temporary, but all for the purpose of moving me forward… even this current experience is proving to have been for that same purpose…
Movement requires us to be static or stationary in a certain place for a certain length of time, until the time comes to take the actual step.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Communication is... where?
It’s Wednesday morning and the start of another week. I teach until Sunday the 28th. I can only hope that the next weeks will be easier than the ones gone by.
It’s really strange where I’m at right now. I can’t say that I feel happier at work, just for knowing I’m leaving. I can’t say that I walk around with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. It’s pretty much the opposite. I’m withdrawn, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I can’t bare the sight of my frown and I’m drained constantly. However, once I’ve totally distanced myself from the work place and I’m in my own space, then the bounce slowly returns and the smile starts to appear. My own space, by the way, is my apartment and the occasions when I’m having great conversations with the few people I can connect with here.
Needless to say, I’m in between 2 worlds; no longer really here in China and not yet in India. I feel India is so near though. Because whenever I close my eyes, it’s all I see… but then when I open my eyes, I’m still here in Jinzhou, China. I still have to face reality. I still have to be here and force myself to focus on the job. I still have to feel the pressure and stress that now just comes from being outside of my apartment in the streets that burden me in many different ways. In a tired state I still have to smile and still have to enjoy my last weeks in China… just to be appreciative and to be happy… I still have to take pictures and be the traveller… and still have to realize that savouring the moment will move me on to better things.
This is what’s been happening: I no longer walk through the streets. Well, I do, but ONLY when I’m totally in a happy place in my head. Once upon a time, I’d walk along and feel amazing as I’d be inspired by what I’d see and I’d never mind for people to give me the exact same looks of amazement or shock for what they were seeing (which was, and still is…me). Now though, the stares are a burden. The way the people STILL look at me, after I’ve been walking the same route for so many months, is something I can no longer appreciate or feel comfortable with. I used to return a smile. But how can I now smile and feel happy for others to see me, when I don’t want to see myself in this city anymore? It’s impossible to give a smile to the stares that come from the thousands of strangers who see me walking to work, day in day out.
So, I’ve taken to hopping on the bus each day. I feel that’s less stressful, less of a burden… and my mind is clearer. And I then I sit… I stare out the dirty window and I’m gazing at the Chinese people doing their daily things… buying fruit, going to the bank, riding their bikes, shopping for clothes or just sitting and talking with each other to pass the time. And then there’s me… sitting on a bus, in Jinzhou. Feeling so distanced from society. And there’s no way I can ever break through… because of the language…
How nice would it be to buy some fruit from the market, and have an easy conversation with the stallholder about the… weather? the new produce? The…whatever…???!!!! Yes, it would be so great to communicate with these people. Because they ARE all good, they are all WARM people. But all I see and feel are the first initial stares that come from the thousands of eyes that may have never seen a foreigner before. And because I’m not happy, I can’t smile and break the ice. And because I can’t speak Chinese, I can’t even have the lightest of chit-chats that would brighten their day as well as mine. And, right now, I’m touching one of the main reasons for me to have been feeling alone, isolated and withdrawn: LACK OF COMMUNICATION… Wouw… how much we can take it for granted; the simple act of connecting with a stranger.
Months ago, when I decided not to study Chinese, I consciously chose not to make the effort to fully experience China. The language here is the culture… It’s the main thing, in Jinzhou especially (as it’s so ‘backward’ compared to most Chinese cities), that will shake foreigners about. Only if you’re planning to be in China for quite some time, then Chinese is the thing to study and the efforts will eventually start paying off… even though it can take years to master it fully. But I chose not to be apart of China in that sense. And by having made that choice, I was actually closing myself off from the culture and the people and most things I value in life as I travel: a flow of new people that would bring new opportunities into my life whilst being apart of a society that’s different from where I hold my roots. I wasn’t willing and chose to focus on writing instead.
Not all foreigners choose to learn Chinese. But they have… each other instead… and so they have the communication they need. They feel comfort in their own group of foreigners, who they can relate to. And that can be enough for them to feel happy in their job, happy in their Chinese lifestyle and open to embracing ‘travel’ whilst being ‘stationary’. For me, comfort never really came, in the foreign connections. Or maybe I’ve had moments of comfort, but they started to vanish, ever so slowly and so I started to sink deeper into my own world and started to create my dreams that are now becoming reality.
For the fact that what I was creating is now starting to appear, I don’t have any regrets whatsoever. Really I don’t. I’m totally at peace with the focus I put on writing and I don’t mind that I never broke through into the Chinese society. Those with a passion for China would embrace it fully. But I personally never had a passion for China. It’s never been a place I longed to visit. I’ve always had a ‘list’ of so many countries in the world I’d long to visit… but China was NEVER on it… So, it’s really no wonder why things have planned out the way they have done. And it’s only making my love for India and my passion to write, become all the more real. I know these 6 months have set me up in such a way, that I’ll appreciate India more than I would’ve done, had I not come to China first.
As for the communication ‘thing’, I hear you ask: doesn’t India also have different languages? Yes, it does. BUT it’s a heaven for travellers, in the sense that English is spoken everywhere. When I was there last year, many things shook me about, but the language was NEVER one of them… India can be a country that’s not convenient and many challenges can arise when doing the smallest of things… BUT it’s a luxury in terms of communication. Why is there so much English? The British were once upon a time the rulers… I’m not going to make this post into a history lecture. It’s way too long already… haha… So I leave it on a lighter and brighter note… Everything is moving forward as it should and I feel good. Maybe, just for 2 more weeks, I might show smiles to the strangers staring at me, when I’m feeling happy as a result of what’s appearing.
It’s really strange where I’m at right now. I can’t say that I feel happier at work, just for knowing I’m leaving. I can’t say that I walk around with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. It’s pretty much the opposite. I’m withdrawn, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I can’t bare the sight of my frown and I’m drained constantly. However, once I’ve totally distanced myself from the work place and I’m in my own space, then the bounce slowly returns and the smile starts to appear. My own space, by the way, is my apartment and the occasions when I’m having great conversations with the few people I can connect with here.
Needless to say, I’m in between 2 worlds; no longer really here in China and not yet in India. I feel India is so near though. Because whenever I close my eyes, it’s all I see… but then when I open my eyes, I’m still here in Jinzhou, China. I still have to face reality. I still have to be here and force myself to focus on the job. I still have to feel the pressure and stress that now just comes from being outside of my apartment in the streets that burden me in many different ways. In a tired state I still have to smile and still have to enjoy my last weeks in China… just to be appreciative and to be happy… I still have to take pictures and be the traveller… and still have to realize that savouring the moment will move me on to better things.
This is what’s been happening: I no longer walk through the streets. Well, I do, but ONLY when I’m totally in a happy place in my head. Once upon a time, I’d walk along and feel amazing as I’d be inspired by what I’d see and I’d never mind for people to give me the exact same looks of amazement or shock for what they were seeing (which was, and still is…me). Now though, the stares are a burden. The way the people STILL look at me, after I’ve been walking the same route for so many months, is something I can no longer appreciate or feel comfortable with. I used to return a smile. But how can I now smile and feel happy for others to see me, when I don’t want to see myself in this city anymore? It’s impossible to give a smile to the stares that come from the thousands of strangers who see me walking to work, day in day out.
So, I’ve taken to hopping on the bus each day. I feel that’s less stressful, less of a burden… and my mind is clearer. And I then I sit… I stare out the dirty window and I’m gazing at the Chinese people doing their daily things… buying fruit, going to the bank, riding their bikes, shopping for clothes or just sitting and talking with each other to pass the time. And then there’s me… sitting on a bus, in Jinzhou. Feeling so distanced from society. And there’s no way I can ever break through… because of the language…
How nice would it be to buy some fruit from the market, and have an easy conversation with the stallholder about the… weather? the new produce? The…whatever…???!!!! Yes, it would be so great to communicate with these people. Because they ARE all good, they are all WARM people. But all I see and feel are the first initial stares that come from the thousands of eyes that may have never seen a foreigner before. And because I’m not happy, I can’t smile and break the ice. And because I can’t speak Chinese, I can’t even have the lightest of chit-chats that would brighten their day as well as mine. And, right now, I’m touching one of the main reasons for me to have been feeling alone, isolated and withdrawn: LACK OF COMMUNICATION… Wouw… how much we can take it for granted; the simple act of connecting with a stranger.
Months ago, when I decided not to study Chinese, I consciously chose not to make the effort to fully experience China. The language here is the culture… It’s the main thing, in Jinzhou especially (as it’s so ‘backward’ compared to most Chinese cities), that will shake foreigners about. Only if you’re planning to be in China for quite some time, then Chinese is the thing to study and the efforts will eventually start paying off… even though it can take years to master it fully. But I chose not to be apart of China in that sense. And by having made that choice, I was actually closing myself off from the culture and the people and most things I value in life as I travel: a flow of new people that would bring new opportunities into my life whilst being apart of a society that’s different from where I hold my roots. I wasn’t willing and chose to focus on writing instead.
Not all foreigners choose to learn Chinese. But they have… each other instead… and so they have the communication they need. They feel comfort in their own group of foreigners, who they can relate to. And that can be enough for them to feel happy in their job, happy in their Chinese lifestyle and open to embracing ‘travel’ whilst being ‘stationary’. For me, comfort never really came, in the foreign connections. Or maybe I’ve had moments of comfort, but they started to vanish, ever so slowly and so I started to sink deeper into my own world and started to create my dreams that are now becoming reality.
For the fact that what I was creating is now starting to appear, I don’t have any regrets whatsoever. Really I don’t. I’m totally at peace with the focus I put on writing and I don’t mind that I never broke through into the Chinese society. Those with a passion for China would embrace it fully. But I personally never had a passion for China. It’s never been a place I longed to visit. I’ve always had a ‘list’ of so many countries in the world I’d long to visit… but China was NEVER on it… So, it’s really no wonder why things have planned out the way they have done. And it’s only making my love for India and my passion to write, become all the more real. I know these 6 months have set me up in such a way, that I’ll appreciate India more than I would’ve done, had I not come to China first.
As for the communication ‘thing’, I hear you ask: doesn’t India also have different languages? Yes, it does. BUT it’s a heaven for travellers, in the sense that English is spoken everywhere. When I was there last year, many things shook me about, but the language was NEVER one of them… India can be a country that’s not convenient and many challenges can arise when doing the smallest of things… BUT it’s a luxury in terms of communication. Why is there so much English? The British were once upon a time the rulers… I’m not going to make this post into a history lecture. It’s way too long already… haha… So I leave it on a lighter and brighter note… Everything is moving forward as it should and I feel good. Maybe, just for 2 more weeks, I might show smiles to the strangers staring at me, when I’m feeling happy as a result of what’s appearing.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Materializing 'stuff'
It was Monday morning and I wasn’t intending on doing much. Only booking a train ticket for the 16th of August, to go to Beijing where I’d apply for the Indian visa, in person, at the Embassy. That’s all I’d planned. That gave me a week to sort the documents and get my head into gear. But, by the time the visa would be processed and I’d have my passport back, I’d only have a week left in China. That was cutting it fine – leaving me hardly any time to sort any unforeseen obstacles that could get in the way. But I didn’t see any other of doing it.
UNTIL Monday morning that is. I went to the train station to book the ticket to Beijing for the 16th. Helen came with me, to translate. We were told we couldn’t book the train so far in advance. Okay fine. Leave it for another day?! Hummm…. Suddenly I thought… can I not just get a ticket for tomorrow? Instead of waiting another week? And that was that… the decision was made. I bought the ticket for train that was leaving the following morning. However easy that was, suddenly the pressure was on… to get all the documents sorted by Monday evening, and get my ass on the train to Beijing by Tuesday 8.30am…
Sorting the documents brought me to suddenly be sorting out a lot more than I expected. The main thing being: before heading to Beijing I had to BOOK MY FLIGHT! The embassy needed proof of my departure from China and a confirmed flight was the only was in which to do so. Oops… this was totally unexpected. I thought I’d not book the flight until the visa had been approved. I’d thought to put off booking the flight until a week or 10 days before actually leaving. Monday was suddenly the day I to book, IF I wanted to keep the ball rolling… and I did need to keep things moving, so yes, I sussed out my exact dates and booked! I got my head around things pretty quickly. There was no time to start doubting my decision… And so, it became as final as final can be. My last day at work is on the 28th of August and I’m flying from Beijing to Mumbai on the 1st of September. This gives me time to pack up my things and explore Beijing properly for a day or 2, before flying out.
It was pretty nerve wrecking and of course I panicked, felt queasy and had moments of thinking myself to be insane for actually following this through… But those were, again, only fleeting moments. And once I was calm, I knew why I was taking these steps. It wouldn’t have mattered when I’d book the flights, because I’d have always need to take action. I’d always need to make that step; the one from fantasizing about the dream to actually making it real. After dreaming about it, crying over it, nervously telling others about it… yes, it would always need to become a reality. And on Monday evening it became real, there was no going back and I knew: “Hey! I don’t even want to go back! Forward is the only way!”
Tuesday, moving forward meant a daytrip to Beijing… What an unexpected visit… The first time to visit the capital, that’s only 3 or 4 hours by train, from Jinzhou! I found it actually pretty odd for the first visit NOT to be for the purpose of discovering China, but to actually be for leaving China. But, that’s how it was obviously meant to go. Being there was brilliant though. I felt so much life and energy and was totally shocked by how Western it is… People will still stare, but it’s different than the stares I get ALL THE TIME here in Jinzhou. And the amount of unfamiliar western faces I saw in the 5 hours I spent wandering around, was more than I’d ever see here, in the space of 6 months. Any western people I see here are the people I know and work with or the tiny bunch of contacts outside of the office. For a short instant I wondered if I’d been too hasty to want to leave China, if there was a place so near to Jinzhou that could offer such a different feel… But, that was only short lived, because after 3 or 4 hours I was reminded why I’m leaving China, why I’m not a city person and why my first encounter with Beijing had to be for reason of leaving… Simply because China is not my place for now… And it’s okay.
Being in the Indian Embassy; this was so cool! Man, I was so excited; especially when I saw a few Indian people and heard that familiar accent again. Yes, this was good… a slightly strange scenario though: an Irish citizen, in Beijing, applying for an Indian visa… humm… what are the odds.
The next step; waiting for the visa to come through, which could take up to 10 days. I’ve only got all my fingers and toes crossed that will come through, without anything getting in the way… I know there’ll always be a solution to any problem, so I trust that I’ll be on that flight, that’s due to leave in only 3 weeks… wouw.. What a weekend this has been. I truly did get what I wished for
UNTIL Monday morning that is. I went to the train station to book the ticket to Beijing for the 16th. Helen came with me, to translate. We were told we couldn’t book the train so far in advance. Okay fine. Leave it for another day?! Hummm…. Suddenly I thought… can I not just get a ticket for tomorrow? Instead of waiting another week? And that was that… the decision was made. I bought the ticket for train that was leaving the following morning. However easy that was, suddenly the pressure was on… to get all the documents sorted by Monday evening, and get my ass on the train to Beijing by Tuesday 8.30am…
Sorting the documents brought me to suddenly be sorting out a lot more than I expected. The main thing being: before heading to Beijing I had to BOOK MY FLIGHT! The embassy needed proof of my departure from China and a confirmed flight was the only was in which to do so. Oops… this was totally unexpected. I thought I’d not book the flight until the visa had been approved. I’d thought to put off booking the flight until a week or 10 days before actually leaving. Monday was suddenly the day I to book, IF I wanted to keep the ball rolling… and I did need to keep things moving, so yes, I sussed out my exact dates and booked! I got my head around things pretty quickly. There was no time to start doubting my decision… And so, it became as final as final can be. My last day at work is on the 28th of August and I’m flying from Beijing to Mumbai on the 1st of September. This gives me time to pack up my things and explore Beijing properly for a day or 2, before flying out.
It was pretty nerve wrecking and of course I panicked, felt queasy and had moments of thinking myself to be insane for actually following this through… But those were, again, only fleeting moments. And once I was calm, I knew why I was taking these steps. It wouldn’t have mattered when I’d book the flights, because I’d have always need to take action. I’d always need to make that step; the one from fantasizing about the dream to actually making it real. After dreaming about it, crying over it, nervously telling others about it… yes, it would always need to become a reality. And on Monday evening it became real, there was no going back and I knew: “Hey! I don’t even want to go back! Forward is the only way!”
Tuesday, moving forward meant a daytrip to Beijing… What an unexpected visit… The first time to visit the capital, that’s only 3 or 4 hours by train, from Jinzhou! I found it actually pretty odd for the first visit NOT to be for the purpose of discovering China, but to actually be for leaving China. But, that’s how it was obviously meant to go. Being there was brilliant though. I felt so much life and energy and was totally shocked by how Western it is… People will still stare, but it’s different than the stares I get ALL THE TIME here in Jinzhou. And the amount of unfamiliar western faces I saw in the 5 hours I spent wandering around, was more than I’d ever see here, in the space of 6 months. Any western people I see here are the people I know and work with or the tiny bunch of contacts outside of the office. For a short instant I wondered if I’d been too hasty to want to leave China, if there was a place so near to Jinzhou that could offer such a different feel… But, that was only short lived, because after 3 or 4 hours I was reminded why I’m leaving China, why I’m not a city person and why my first encounter with Beijing had to be for reason of leaving… Simply because China is not my place for now… And it’s okay.
Being in the Indian Embassy; this was so cool! Man, I was so excited; especially when I saw a few Indian people and heard that familiar accent again. Yes, this was good… a slightly strange scenario though: an Irish citizen, in Beijing, applying for an Indian visa… humm… what are the odds.
The next step; waiting for the visa to come through, which could take up to 10 days. I’ve only got all my fingers and toes crossed that will come through, without anything getting in the way… I know there’ll always be a solution to any problem, so I trust that I’ll be on that flight, that’s due to leave in only 3 weeks… wouw.. What a weekend this has been. I truly did get what I wished for
Silly expression
Everybody knows. I told my colleagues on Friday about the move and of course it was making the whole thing all the more real. I felt nervous and relieved and closer to them, just for opening up. And my withdrawn behaviour and my unpredictable moods of the past few weeks, or months even, were suddenly making sense to everyone… As well as the exhaustion that others would see wearing heavy on my face and the chatting I was only ever able to do, if work wasn’t playing on my mind. Everyone had suspected that something was going on with me, but they didn’t know that it was so bad, that I’d chosen to leave. I can’t say they were delighted to hear of me leaving – on the contrary. But once they knew I wasn’t happy, they were willing for me to do whatever I felt was necessary so as to be happy in myself.
I told them my next step: India… I can’t even believe the words I spoke, when I ‘revealing’ what was going on and my reasons for going there: “I’m going back, to… find myself!” Why would I say something so farfetched! My god, I’ve met travellers before who’ve said the same thing… and I actually thought it so ‘off the wall’! Going to India, to find yourself!!!! What a joke! Well… on Friday, in the office, I was saying the exact same thing, but I had no other way to describing WHY I was choosing for this to be my next move.
I could go to many places to find myself… I could go to Ireland… I’d like to say I could go to Australia, but I know the side of me that I’ll find there, and it’s not the one I need right now. The same probably goes for Ireland too… I know what side of me I’ll find there, and that’s the side that doesn’t need to be focussed on right, not fully… ‘Finding myself’ in India – it’s a familiar place to me… and I know I can first-off experience everything I that I’d become temporarily out of touch with, here in Jinzhou. And once that starts happening, I know I’ll discover even more of myself by simply being in a place I love so much. It’s almost like I can see that Ireland would bring me deep down into a grounded routine where the writing would possess me. And in India, because I’m planning (for as much as planning is possible) to first go to an ashram for a month, I’ll probably ground myself there and yes, writing will be done, but it will be to free myself from anything that China has subconsciously burdened me with, so I can move forward and experience India through brighter and lighter eyes.
Yes, so the statement: “I need to find myself again”… is a ‘legit’ phrase to use when putting it into perspective like this… India is a land with such diversity and so it’s only natural that by ‘finding’ yourself there, a person will be forced to find the diversity within themselves too… especially when wishing to experience comfort in the surrounding environment. It just means a person becomes even more flexible when adjusting to whatever the country of contradicting contrasts presents them with. I know that by refuelling and distancing myself properly from China, by first-off going to a place where I’ll only need to focus on myself for a while, I’ll get myself to feeling my ability to bend and flow with the Indian world and it will be an amazing experience.
As soon as everyone heard, I was feeling even better… Already I felt to be free again. And on Sunday I started wishing for things to materialize. Things needed to start happening just to keep the process ongoing, and for it to become even more real. Sure enough… I got what I wished for. Unexpected, unplanned… the weekend unfolded…
I told them my next step: India… I can’t even believe the words I spoke, when I ‘revealing’ what was going on and my reasons for going there: “I’m going back, to… find myself!” Why would I say something so farfetched! My god, I’ve met travellers before who’ve said the same thing… and I actually thought it so ‘off the wall’! Going to India, to find yourself!!!! What a joke! Well… on Friday, in the office, I was saying the exact same thing, but I had no other way to describing WHY I was choosing for this to be my next move.
I could go to many places to find myself… I could go to Ireland… I’d like to say I could go to Australia, but I know the side of me that I’ll find there, and it’s not the one I need right now. The same probably goes for Ireland too… I know what side of me I’ll find there, and that’s the side that doesn’t need to be focussed on right, not fully… ‘Finding myself’ in India – it’s a familiar place to me… and I know I can first-off experience everything I that I’d become temporarily out of touch with, here in Jinzhou. And once that starts happening, I know I’ll discover even more of myself by simply being in a place I love so much. It’s almost like I can see that Ireland would bring me deep down into a grounded routine where the writing would possess me. And in India, because I’m planning (for as much as planning is possible) to first go to an ashram for a month, I’ll probably ground myself there and yes, writing will be done, but it will be to free myself from anything that China has subconsciously burdened me with, so I can move forward and experience India through brighter and lighter eyes.
Yes, so the statement: “I need to find myself again”… is a ‘legit’ phrase to use when putting it into perspective like this… India is a land with such diversity and so it’s only natural that by ‘finding’ yourself there, a person will be forced to find the diversity within themselves too… especially when wishing to experience comfort in the surrounding environment. It just means a person becomes even more flexible when adjusting to whatever the country of contradicting contrasts presents them with. I know that by refuelling and distancing myself properly from China, by first-off going to a place where I’ll only need to focus on myself for a while, I’ll get myself to feeling my ability to bend and flow with the Indian world and it will be an amazing experience.
As soon as everyone heard, I was feeling even better… Already I felt to be free again. And on Sunday I started wishing for things to materialize. Things needed to start happening just to keep the process ongoing, and for it to become even more real. Sure enough… I got what I wished for. Unexpected, unplanned… the weekend unfolded…
Friday, August 5, 2011
Confirming the move
Over the past few days I was still going round and round in my head, questioning my decision… And I’ve had a few minor panic attacks when I realized that this change really has been set in motion and I now can do nothing else, other than follow it through. This panic reinforced the questioning of course… But, once it subsided, and I felt calm, the answer still remained the same. I want to do this, it’s what I need.
So I stopped searching for justified reasons as to why I’m leaving. I’m settling now in what I’m doing. It’s also become more real as I’ve confirmed with my boss that I’m going. I did this yesterday. What a day it was. Of course, he wasn’t happy and I had to have understanding for this. He played the guilt-trip; I was letting others down and I was creating a problem for the school and it’s not what ‘you foreigners’ should be doing… I was quite emotional but managed to contain myself and, whilst sitting across from this man, who doesn’t know me at all… who doesn’t care about me one bit… but who wants the power to control my decisions… I said something I never thought I’d say to anybody, especially NOT MY BOSS: “My health, my mind and my body are more important to me than anything else right now, no matter how much I love to teach”. This was huge. I was saying something that once upon a time, would have been a reason for me to hate and loathe every part of myself, causing me to bring destruction into my life. But, I did it… I can’t say I instantly came out on top… Oh no… I was feeling awful. Again, that was okay…
Right now, it’s like I’m temporarily in between 2 worlds. When I’m in my apartment, alone, I’m feeling good, I’m happy, I’m writing and things are flowing. I working through what I need and looking ahead. Then, the time comes for me to go to work and I come down a peg or 2… instantly, just by stepping out into the streets. I don’t walk and smile at the people anymore and I don’t want them looking at my face that is one appearing to bear the weight of the world… For this reason I can’t bear them to look, nor can I bear to smile… Something is stopping me from doing so…
But, again, that’s okay. It’s the way it’s got to be and it will pass. This is what I know for sure… It’s just a process of change…
At work, in the office, I’m so cautious who I talk to and what I get tangled up in… Because, by doing so, I feel I’ll be losing myself again and right now, it’s so important that I keep my other world unfolding… The world that isn’t here… the one that’s outside of China. That world has become my source of energy and the lightness in my life. The things that are appearing before me enable me to teach the way I want and I’m still being here in the moment. However contradictive that may sound: planning and dreaming of beyond, but still being able to be totally present in my classes, so I can appreciate and enjoy them… How odd…
So, the plans for India are starting to unfold, with everyday that passes. Nothing is definite just yet, but I’ve been in touch with a school I was teaching at when I was there last year. As well a few close friends from there have also being giving me options. The opportunities are coming my way. My vision is opening up again and, as this is only the beginning. I know soon enough my smile will come naturally again and the world will show me it’s magic. It’s already happening, as I’m moving forward... one step at a time.
So I stopped searching for justified reasons as to why I’m leaving. I’m settling now in what I’m doing. It’s also become more real as I’ve confirmed with my boss that I’m going. I did this yesterday. What a day it was. Of course, he wasn’t happy and I had to have understanding for this. He played the guilt-trip; I was letting others down and I was creating a problem for the school and it’s not what ‘you foreigners’ should be doing… I was quite emotional but managed to contain myself and, whilst sitting across from this man, who doesn’t know me at all… who doesn’t care about me one bit… but who wants the power to control my decisions… I said something I never thought I’d say to anybody, especially NOT MY BOSS: “My health, my mind and my body are more important to me than anything else right now, no matter how much I love to teach”. This was huge. I was saying something that once upon a time, would have been a reason for me to hate and loathe every part of myself, causing me to bring destruction into my life. But, I did it… I can’t say I instantly came out on top… Oh no… I was feeling awful. Again, that was okay…
Right now, it’s like I’m temporarily in between 2 worlds. When I’m in my apartment, alone, I’m feeling good, I’m happy, I’m writing and things are flowing. I working through what I need and looking ahead. Then, the time comes for me to go to work and I come down a peg or 2… instantly, just by stepping out into the streets. I don’t walk and smile at the people anymore and I don’t want them looking at my face that is one appearing to bear the weight of the world… For this reason I can’t bear them to look, nor can I bear to smile… Something is stopping me from doing so…
But, again, that’s okay. It’s the way it’s got to be and it will pass. This is what I know for sure… It’s just a process of change…
At work, in the office, I’m so cautious who I talk to and what I get tangled up in… Because, by doing so, I feel I’ll be losing myself again and right now, it’s so important that I keep my other world unfolding… The world that isn’t here… the one that’s outside of China. That world has become my source of energy and the lightness in my life. The things that are appearing before me enable me to teach the way I want and I’m still being here in the moment. However contradictive that may sound: planning and dreaming of beyond, but still being able to be totally present in my classes, so I can appreciate and enjoy them… How odd…
So, the plans for India are starting to unfold, with everyday that passes. Nothing is definite just yet, but I’ve been in touch with a school I was teaching at when I was there last year. As well a few close friends from there have also being giving me options. The opportunities are coming my way. My vision is opening up again and, as this is only the beginning. I know soon enough my smile will come naturally again and the world will show me it’s magic. It’s already happening, as I’m moving forward... one step at a time.
The shortest blog entry ever!!!
Only 3 days since I’ve started to open up about what’s been happening here in Jinzhou.
My leaving has only just become common knowledge to myself as well as to others and I can’t begin to say how much everyones support means to me. I’ve actually been shocked from how many parts of the world it’s been coming. I’ve learnt over the days, how important this is… because, when you’re travelling alone, and things go wrong, the result can be loneliness… and you need to know that others are ‘there’ to back you up and not speak such words as: “I knew it was a risky decision!” or “I never wanted you to do this in the first place”… But instead what’s needed is somebody who is ‘there’, wherever in the world that may be, to just listen to the ‘stuff’ that’s coming down the phone or to read of the emotions in blogs or emails… I never asked for an answer over the weeks, but I only wished for the support to be just be ‘there’… that feeling of a presence (even when I’m not able to see them or hug them) was the only thing I needed… And this is what I’ve been getting, my wish and my needs are met… simply by expressing and opening up all that’s going on in my world. And I know so well that these words: “I told you so” or “I never thought it was a good idea” won’t be spoken. My family and friends feel so close to me right now, because of them being ‘there’… reading and listening. Thank you thank you thank you…
My leaving has only just become common knowledge to myself as well as to others and I can’t begin to say how much everyones support means to me. I’ve actually been shocked from how many parts of the world it’s been coming. I’ve learnt over the days, how important this is… because, when you’re travelling alone, and things go wrong, the result can be loneliness… and you need to know that others are ‘there’ to back you up and not speak such words as: “I knew it was a risky decision!” or “I never wanted you to do this in the first place”… But instead what’s needed is somebody who is ‘there’, wherever in the world that may be, to just listen to the ‘stuff’ that’s coming down the phone or to read of the emotions in blogs or emails… I never asked for an answer over the weeks, but I only wished for the support to be just be ‘there’… that feeling of a presence (even when I’m not able to see them or hug them) was the only thing I needed… And this is what I’ve been getting, my wish and my needs are met… simply by expressing and opening up all that’s going on in my world. And I know so well that these words: “I told you so” or “I never thought it was a good idea” won’t be spoken. My family and friends feel so close to me right now, because of them being ‘there’… reading and listening. Thank you thank you thank you…
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
At the crossroads
I’m trying my best to keep these updates as short as possible. But it’s proving difficult… as so much has gone on… So I’ll try to keep focussed.
Once I’d found that I wasn’t happy and that I needed to change, of course I instantly wondered: where to go? Ireland actually never came to mind, until Mam said to come home. It was the strangest thing to hear her say the words that were urging me to return. And my reaction wasn’t one that told me I needed to go back. Not yet anyhow. But, before making any definite decisions, I tried not to feel pressurized into coming back but at the same time, I didn’t want to turn away from that option… This meant if I WERE to go back to Ireland, I’d know that it was truly because it’s what I’d WANT to do.
I sat for days and days, in a massive daze… in between 2 worlds almost. One world was the world of teaching… I was trying to plan lessons and teach my classes in the fragile, emotional and somewhat depressed mood I was feeling so intensely. The other world was travelling onwards… trying to decide what to do, trying to contain my emotions in the office whilst being around people and not letting anything slip. I was trying to keep this feeling of leaving as close to me as possible and to ignore any voices that would urge me to give it another go. I was journaling like crazy and looking like a zombie, even though I was sleeping okay.
I told my boss and the ‘head teacher’ the news, only a day after I realized I had to leave. I didn’t even feel nervous or bad for telling them that I didn’t want to stay the full contract. They were actually really supportive. That could possibly only be for hoping that for suddenly giving me understanding, I’d be convinced to stay. They said for me to think it over some more. I said I would, even though my decision has already been made. I’ll talk to them again this week, just to confirm my decision. On hindsight I realize I probably didn’t sound too convincing at that point, because I didn’t know where I was going to go. I only told them that it involved leaving China. But I didn’t care whether I was convincing them or not, I was just taking small steps so as this move would become my reality.
I got through the week… by journaling my heart out. I went from feeling so fragile and down to feeling a little stronger and little lighter each day… And once I felt less pressure, all options were open. I knew then that the answer as to where I wanted to go would come… And sure enough, everything I wanted and needed was pointing in one direction… India…
Why did I choose not to go back to Ireland, even if it were for a short 4 or 6 weeks, to refuel and put this Chinese experience into perspective? Well, there’s never just one reason. For one, I truly don’t feel it’s time. I know now what Ireland offers me - apart from my family of course. It has every ingredient to bring out the writer. And for this reason, I don’t want to be passing through just for a month. I don’t want to be trying to get to India, when a story needs my full attention, not like I was trying to get away, the last time I was there. At the moment, yes I still want to write another book, but what I’m living through right now, is the material I need so I'll reach that point once again. And I’ve not yet gathered enough... I’ll know when it’s time for me to fully ‘go there’…
Also, China may have been a false start to the adventures that I can experience, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to return home to ground myself. It just means I’m learning through travelling… And if I claim that travel is the main thing I need in life then I need to be able to trust that when the going gets tough I will always be able to sustain myself on all levels, independently, as I move and grow through the challenges this chaotic world can present me with. I need to do this for myself, and it’s not to prove anything to anybody. It’s not to fill out any expectations… I guess to simplify it once again; it’s to finally STOP dreaming about being back in India (which I’ve been doing since leaving in July of 2010) and just to START LIVING it again.
When making a decision we can never know if it’s the right one or not. And it’s not until we follow things through do we find if it’s for us or not. I needed to experience China, to realize it’s not for me. And the same approach goes for my next Indian adventure. If it’s right or wrong, I can only know by trying. But the peace and safety I feel for knowing that it’s happening so soon, is enough to tell me that it can only move me forward.
So… where do I stand now? It’s Tuesday the 2nd of August and I’m feeling relieved and safe again, now that I know where I’m heading. I’m still in between letting others know what’s going on, both here in Jinzhou as well as on the home front. But everything will come in due time. Even though I was dazed all week, I was able to think of the practicalities involved in moving to India. And I know it’s all possible. I’m still processing everything though and working on ideas as to what to do and when exactly to go. But I already know of certain things I need right now and India offers them. For now though, I think this is enough exposure on my part. Sorry that these entries have been never-ending almost… But I’m happy to have shared it now… It’s just means it’s becoming more real. Keep you posted on how the week unfolds
Once I’d found that I wasn’t happy and that I needed to change, of course I instantly wondered: where to go? Ireland actually never came to mind, until Mam said to come home. It was the strangest thing to hear her say the words that were urging me to return. And my reaction wasn’t one that told me I needed to go back. Not yet anyhow. But, before making any definite decisions, I tried not to feel pressurized into coming back but at the same time, I didn’t want to turn away from that option… This meant if I WERE to go back to Ireland, I’d know that it was truly because it’s what I’d WANT to do.
I sat for days and days, in a massive daze… in between 2 worlds almost. One world was the world of teaching… I was trying to plan lessons and teach my classes in the fragile, emotional and somewhat depressed mood I was feeling so intensely. The other world was travelling onwards… trying to decide what to do, trying to contain my emotions in the office whilst being around people and not letting anything slip. I was trying to keep this feeling of leaving as close to me as possible and to ignore any voices that would urge me to give it another go. I was journaling like crazy and looking like a zombie, even though I was sleeping okay.
I told my boss and the ‘head teacher’ the news, only a day after I realized I had to leave. I didn’t even feel nervous or bad for telling them that I didn’t want to stay the full contract. They were actually really supportive. That could possibly only be for hoping that for suddenly giving me understanding, I’d be convinced to stay. They said for me to think it over some more. I said I would, even though my decision has already been made. I’ll talk to them again this week, just to confirm my decision. On hindsight I realize I probably didn’t sound too convincing at that point, because I didn’t know where I was going to go. I only told them that it involved leaving China. But I didn’t care whether I was convincing them or not, I was just taking small steps so as this move would become my reality.
I got through the week… by journaling my heart out. I went from feeling so fragile and down to feeling a little stronger and little lighter each day… And once I felt less pressure, all options were open. I knew then that the answer as to where I wanted to go would come… And sure enough, everything I wanted and needed was pointing in one direction… India…
Why did I choose not to go back to Ireland, even if it were for a short 4 or 6 weeks, to refuel and put this Chinese experience into perspective? Well, there’s never just one reason. For one, I truly don’t feel it’s time. I know now what Ireland offers me - apart from my family of course. It has every ingredient to bring out the writer. And for this reason, I don’t want to be passing through just for a month. I don’t want to be trying to get to India, when a story needs my full attention, not like I was trying to get away, the last time I was there. At the moment, yes I still want to write another book, but what I’m living through right now, is the material I need so I'll reach that point once again. And I’ve not yet gathered enough... I’ll know when it’s time for me to fully ‘go there’…
Also, China may have been a false start to the adventures that I can experience, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to return home to ground myself. It just means I’m learning through travelling… And if I claim that travel is the main thing I need in life then I need to be able to trust that when the going gets tough I will always be able to sustain myself on all levels, independently, as I move and grow through the challenges this chaotic world can present me with. I need to do this for myself, and it’s not to prove anything to anybody. It’s not to fill out any expectations… I guess to simplify it once again; it’s to finally STOP dreaming about being back in India (which I’ve been doing since leaving in July of 2010) and just to START LIVING it again.
When making a decision we can never know if it’s the right one or not. And it’s not until we follow things through do we find if it’s for us or not. I needed to experience China, to realize it’s not for me. And the same approach goes for my next Indian adventure. If it’s right or wrong, I can only know by trying. But the peace and safety I feel for knowing that it’s happening so soon, is enough to tell me that it can only move me forward.
So… where do I stand now? It’s Tuesday the 2nd of August and I’m feeling relieved and safe again, now that I know where I’m heading. I’m still in between letting others know what’s going on, both here in Jinzhou as well as on the home front. But everything will come in due time. Even though I was dazed all week, I was able to think of the practicalities involved in moving to India. And I know it’s all possible. I’m still processing everything though and working on ideas as to what to do and when exactly to go. But I already know of certain things I need right now and India offers them. For now though, I think this is enough exposure on my part. Sorry that these entries have been never-ending almost… But I’m happy to have shared it now… It’s just means it’s becoming more real. Keep you posted on how the week unfolds
Finding Reality - 2
This all might come as a shock – as it did to me too. I never realized how unhappy I was until everything exploded in my face last weekend. And this is my problem: I’m shocked at how deep my unhappiness was and how strongly I was able to show to everyone at school, everyone at home, as well as to myself, that I can be happy in a Chinese city. I was ‘proving’ that I can feel and see amazement in the world, no matter what I do. This how deceivingly strong my mind is; before coming to China I’d said it would be amazing, and so I did everything I could to make it into exactly that: an incredible experience that would benefit me – even when it wasn’t really what I wanted. My strong mind switched-off to notions that were telling me on different occasions: “staying in China is a waste of time”, “you don’t want to be working here”. I chose to focus ONLY on positive things in my surroundings and so I’d become ignorant and blind to the things that were anything less than amazing.
I now see that, by having travelled and experienced many amazing thing, I’ve set the standard of positive living so high that I can be terrified to let that standard slip and come down a peg or 2. Terrified, as it means I’d be admitting to have made the wrong choice… I’d be admitting to the fact that there’s a country in Asia that doesn’t serve me a person, that doesn’t make me feel open and free, that doesn’t keep my naturally feeling on top of the world… My mind is so strong and my blog and journaling has been so powerful and giving me all the boosts I’ve been in need of to keep myself believing I was happy and coping with life.
Truth is, my journaling and blogging HAVE been real – to the extent where my emotional dealings have shown what’s NOW my reality and what I want my reality to BECOME, so I can be happy and open again… My powerful journaling only meant it was a matter of time before the reality was to present itself. And when it appeared, it was painful.
Ever since releasing the pressure I’d been applying, that was in aid of burying my deep dissatisfaction in this current situation, I’ve been to hell and back. I’ve sat here in my beautiful apartment, in tears, for days. I’ve felt depressed and couldn’t fathom why I needed to leave and how I could be so ungrateful for all that’s been given to me. I felt in my heart what I wanted, but was scared to act as it meant owning up to the mess I felt that suddenly had become of my life – all in aid of NEVER wanting to admit that I’d made a choice that has led me to be secretly lonely and isolated.
Over the past week, I’ve been the bottom of my whole self it feels, to get to the bottom of what this situation has done to me… in body, mind and spirit. And of course, everything has been effected… My weight has dropped a little, my mind temporarily lost sight of reality and my spirit was lacking everything it needed. I know so well that without my spirit receiving the light and life it needs, the rest of me withers away.
I’m only touching the surface of what has arisen, as it’s something I can write about forever. But the most important thing I want to say is that I’ve realized what road I could’ve been heading down, were I not to have been so reflective and honest when witnessing the vicious circle and feeling my isolation and loneliness. I know just how lucky I am, that I’ve almost an inbuilt warning system that goes off, whenever I’m not in a place that’s serving ME, fully, as a person. And those warning signs come in the form of my old habits. That’s when I know that I’ve made the wrong choice… I’ve accepted this fact of the matter, and with my acceptance, instantly change is welcomed.
The change is the move. And it’s only forward. I know with all my heart that I’m not running from anything, I moving towards something instead. I also know (as I’ve questioned this too…) that I’m not afraid to settle or to commit… (I’d actually LOVE to find a home in Asia…one that’s in a community where I feel safe, accepted and open). I know I’ll happily commit to things that serve me. I’ll give my life to doing things that make me happy… Does this mean that I’m the committed traveller, the committed writer? For now, yes…
Actually, at the moment, I’m committed to doing all I can, to change my circumstances, in the most honest, sensible, gentle and easy way possible… and whether or not I let others down, by the move I’m making, I can’t fully establish, but I know that I’ve not to let myself down… And that’s what’s most important at this stage in the game…
I now see that, by having travelled and experienced many amazing thing, I’ve set the standard of positive living so high that I can be terrified to let that standard slip and come down a peg or 2. Terrified, as it means I’d be admitting to have made the wrong choice… I’d be admitting to the fact that there’s a country in Asia that doesn’t serve me a person, that doesn’t make me feel open and free, that doesn’t keep my naturally feeling on top of the world… My mind is so strong and my blog and journaling has been so powerful and giving me all the boosts I’ve been in need of to keep myself believing I was happy and coping with life.
Truth is, my journaling and blogging HAVE been real – to the extent where my emotional dealings have shown what’s NOW my reality and what I want my reality to BECOME, so I can be happy and open again… My powerful journaling only meant it was a matter of time before the reality was to present itself. And when it appeared, it was painful.
Ever since releasing the pressure I’d been applying, that was in aid of burying my deep dissatisfaction in this current situation, I’ve been to hell and back. I’ve sat here in my beautiful apartment, in tears, for days. I’ve felt depressed and couldn’t fathom why I needed to leave and how I could be so ungrateful for all that’s been given to me. I felt in my heart what I wanted, but was scared to act as it meant owning up to the mess I felt that suddenly had become of my life – all in aid of NEVER wanting to admit that I’d made a choice that has led me to be secretly lonely and isolated.
Over the past week, I’ve been the bottom of my whole self it feels, to get to the bottom of what this situation has done to me… in body, mind and spirit. And of course, everything has been effected… My weight has dropped a little, my mind temporarily lost sight of reality and my spirit was lacking everything it needed. I know so well that without my spirit receiving the light and life it needs, the rest of me withers away.
I’m only touching the surface of what has arisen, as it’s something I can write about forever. But the most important thing I want to say is that I’ve realized what road I could’ve been heading down, were I not to have been so reflective and honest when witnessing the vicious circle and feeling my isolation and loneliness. I know just how lucky I am, that I’ve almost an inbuilt warning system that goes off, whenever I’m not in a place that’s serving ME, fully, as a person. And those warning signs come in the form of my old habits. That’s when I know that I’ve made the wrong choice… I’ve accepted this fact of the matter, and with my acceptance, instantly change is welcomed.
The change is the move. And it’s only forward. I know with all my heart that I’m not running from anything, I moving towards something instead. I also know (as I’ve questioned this too…) that I’m not afraid to settle or to commit… (I’d actually LOVE to find a home in Asia…one that’s in a community where I feel safe, accepted and open). I know I’ll happily commit to things that serve me. I’ll give my life to doing things that make me happy… Does this mean that I’m the committed traveller, the committed writer? For now, yes…
Actually, at the moment, I’m committed to doing all I can, to change my circumstances, in the most honest, sensible, gentle and easy way possible… and whether or not I let others down, by the move I’m making, I can’t fully establish, but I know that I’ve not to let myself down… And that’s what’s most important at this stage in the game…
Finding Reality - 1
I ended my last entry – 2 weeks ago - on an extremely high note and I’m about to start this one on a lower one. I’ll cut straight to the point and say what’s going on… I’m leaving China.
This silence seems to have lasted forever. I’ve not been able to update because of the big change that has come out of nowhere… I hear you ask: What’s happened? Well, if I’m honest, nothing really has happened EXCEPT for the fact that I’ve realized, I’m not happy here and I’m not sure I ever was.
Over the past weeks I’ve been looking back over the long 5 months and I’ve been reflecting on how my entries here on this blog have been only focussed on my rollercoaster ride of emotions that has so far come to stand as being my China experience. By seeing this, I was forcing myself to actually question: WHY have my entries mainly been about my emotions and not about the Chinese world and my daily life? WHY has this experience been such an emotional time for me, when it was ‘meant’ to be a chapter in my life where I’d embrace a new culture in a different part of Asia?
Well, the answers came last week, when I suddenly grew so tired of the vicious circle I felt I was in; the circle being one where I’d be constantly dealing and releasing myself of the issues that would arise in the presence of others…and most times in the presence of only myself, whilst constantly forcing myself to be the best teacher I can be AND finding things to do with my life here just to keep me happy, safe, contained and distracted from China… and feel ‘on top of the world’ (the position I always too eagerly wish to uphold). What was the answer? It was a simple but painful realization: China is not for me.
Last weekend the truth of my circumstances was rising and I felt there was a change coming. I was secretly wishing for something to happen, so as I’d have a justified reason to leave. The biggest wish/dream I had was the following: the agent in Dublin, who is still reviewing my book, calls me to say he’s passing it on to the publisher and my assistance is needed! For that reason only, I felt it would be okay to leave China. But the call never came… so… something else needed to happen for me to break free. Something needed to snap… something needed to break… and it was me.
The vicious circle I was starting to witness was literally eating away at my sanity, at my body and my spirit. The prospects of staying in China until February of next year, felt to isolate and trap me. I’d become so stuck on the vision of having a ‘1 year contract’ that I was afraid to go against what the school expected of me, and what I felt everyone else expected of me too. But I’ve become increasingly lonely over the past months… with little means to express myself the way I want to and I’ve been searching for so many things to fill my time with, so as I’d have reasons to stay and I’d be distracted from what was really going on…
I also justified my behaviour with the thoughts that being a writer means to be isolated and quiet. But how wrong was I, to think that just because I’d created this gorgeous writers’ apartment that it was now up to me, to sit here for the next 7 miserable months staring out at the congested Chinese city, with the clouds hanging overhead, dreaming of being out in an open space surrounded by nature and free to move in whatever direction necessary. I’m NOT meant to be an island! And, even though I know I’ll always want and need to write, this still doesn’t mean I have to become isolated and cut off from the world and the people in it. Nor does it mean I have to become stationary forever. I need a flow of people in my life, I need a flow of experiences and I need to see the road ahead as an open one. Here I’d come to see the road ahead as one that was closed. And so, it only makes sense that I was feeling trapped.
I knew that once I started to feel lonely, whilst being around people as well as being by myself that something was wrong. Because, I’ve been alone many times before and so happy… and those were times when I was comfortable to be me and happy in the life situation I’d created… But here, I was starting to hate my moments alone, because all I’d be creating were journal entries telling of how much I wanted to be elsewhere…
So, really the thing I’ve missed the most, is communication. I miss talking with people who I can relate to. I’ve only 2 people here who I can be 100% real with. I’m so grateful for them both, as I know that there are people out there who have even less. But it doesn’t feel to be enough… This isn’t greed; it’s human nature to want to be around people who you feel total comfort and freedom with. Given these circumstances, the connections are unlikely to change – because of the language barrier and lack of foreigners. And so, any thoughts that will tell me to stick it out, as the situation could better itself, I ignore… Because I’m done trying, when this simply isn’t working…
This silence seems to have lasted forever. I’ve not been able to update because of the big change that has come out of nowhere… I hear you ask: What’s happened? Well, if I’m honest, nothing really has happened EXCEPT for the fact that I’ve realized, I’m not happy here and I’m not sure I ever was.
Over the past weeks I’ve been looking back over the long 5 months and I’ve been reflecting on how my entries here on this blog have been only focussed on my rollercoaster ride of emotions that has so far come to stand as being my China experience. By seeing this, I was forcing myself to actually question: WHY have my entries mainly been about my emotions and not about the Chinese world and my daily life? WHY has this experience been such an emotional time for me, when it was ‘meant’ to be a chapter in my life where I’d embrace a new culture in a different part of Asia?
Well, the answers came last week, when I suddenly grew so tired of the vicious circle I felt I was in; the circle being one where I’d be constantly dealing and releasing myself of the issues that would arise in the presence of others…and most times in the presence of only myself, whilst constantly forcing myself to be the best teacher I can be AND finding things to do with my life here just to keep me happy, safe, contained and distracted from China… and feel ‘on top of the world’ (the position I always too eagerly wish to uphold). What was the answer? It was a simple but painful realization: China is not for me.
Last weekend the truth of my circumstances was rising and I felt there was a change coming. I was secretly wishing for something to happen, so as I’d have a justified reason to leave. The biggest wish/dream I had was the following: the agent in Dublin, who is still reviewing my book, calls me to say he’s passing it on to the publisher and my assistance is needed! For that reason only, I felt it would be okay to leave China. But the call never came… so… something else needed to happen for me to break free. Something needed to snap… something needed to break… and it was me.
The vicious circle I was starting to witness was literally eating away at my sanity, at my body and my spirit. The prospects of staying in China until February of next year, felt to isolate and trap me. I’d become so stuck on the vision of having a ‘1 year contract’ that I was afraid to go against what the school expected of me, and what I felt everyone else expected of me too. But I’ve become increasingly lonely over the past months… with little means to express myself the way I want to and I’ve been searching for so many things to fill my time with, so as I’d have reasons to stay and I’d be distracted from what was really going on…
I also justified my behaviour with the thoughts that being a writer means to be isolated and quiet. But how wrong was I, to think that just because I’d created this gorgeous writers’ apartment that it was now up to me, to sit here for the next 7 miserable months staring out at the congested Chinese city, with the clouds hanging overhead, dreaming of being out in an open space surrounded by nature and free to move in whatever direction necessary. I’m NOT meant to be an island! And, even though I know I’ll always want and need to write, this still doesn’t mean I have to become isolated and cut off from the world and the people in it. Nor does it mean I have to become stationary forever. I need a flow of people in my life, I need a flow of experiences and I need to see the road ahead as an open one. Here I’d come to see the road ahead as one that was closed. And so, it only makes sense that I was feeling trapped.
I knew that once I started to feel lonely, whilst being around people as well as being by myself that something was wrong. Because, I’ve been alone many times before and so happy… and those were times when I was comfortable to be me and happy in the life situation I’d created… But here, I was starting to hate my moments alone, because all I’d be creating were journal entries telling of how much I wanted to be elsewhere…
So, really the thing I’ve missed the most, is communication. I miss talking with people who I can relate to. I’ve only 2 people here who I can be 100% real with. I’m so grateful for them both, as I know that there are people out there who have even less. But it doesn’t feel to be enough… This isn’t greed; it’s human nature to want to be around people who you feel total comfort and freedom with. Given these circumstances, the connections are unlikely to change – because of the language barrier and lack of foreigners. And so, any thoughts that will tell me to stick it out, as the situation could better itself, I ignore… Because I’m done trying, when this simply isn’t working…
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
China has FINALLY opened its doors!!
Over the past weeks, more and more I was getting urges to explore China. Now that I’m freeing-up more of my time to relax and engage more in this PRESENT experience (rather than being so far into the book-world that I’d become blind to the actual world I’m living in), I’ve been becoming increasingly eager to branch out.
Jinzhou was losing its brightness… and I was missing fresh air, the sea, the mountains, the greenery… I was seeing this city as being one compressed file of buildings, buildings and more buildings. So, Saturday night after work, I knew I had to get out of this place, even just for a few hours… Every bit of me was in need of it… my lungs didn’t want anymore pollution, my head didn’t want to feel the pressure of city life, my eyes didn’t want to see these grey buildings anymore, my ears didn’t want to hear the traffic… My overall appreciation for Jinzhou needed to be rekindled and the travel juices needed to be set flowing once again.
But before I could do this, there was something I needed to overcome. I had this little obstacle that had been stopping me from exploring, ever since arriving in Jinzhou: the language! This barrier meant I wasn’t able to read timetables, tickets, directions, destinations… I hadn’t a clue as to how the whole system of public transportation worked. I’d only been out of Jinzhou ONCE in the past 5 months!!!!! And that was with Lauren, who took it upon herself to sort our tickets and the directions. She also had enough Chinese to get us there without any problems. But, now I wanted to branch out ALONE… How would this work, if there was no English ANYWHERE and ALL I WAS SEEING WAS CHINESE CHARACTERS? How would this work, if I wasn’t able to ask ANYBODY what ticket I wanted, what bus I needed, what stop I had to get off at… if NOBODY SPEAKS ANYTHING MORE THAN ‘HELLO’. I can’t really give out, because I’m no better! My Chinese doesn’t go beyond: “Hello”, “Goodbye”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “I don’t understand”, “I don’t know”, “it doesn’t matter”, “right”, “straight ahead”, “stop here”, “where”... oh and… “green tea!”… (okay, I probably do know a little bit more than this, but still not enough to understand what they’re saying to me).
So, how would this work? I had to accept help where it was being given. So I got Elaine from work to tell me where the nearest seaside was. She also sussed out my trains times online (something I couldn’t do either, as it’s all in Chinese characters). She had to write the directions as well as the questions I needed, which were only 2: “Can I have one ticket to Xing Cheng” and “Can I have one ticket to Jinzhou”… (Xing Cheng is the place I decided to explore). Everything else was just guess work… And I knew I had her on the end of the phone if I really got stuck and lost in translation.
Was I confident to do this alone? I had to be. There was no choice in the matter… Not when my sanity was at stake ;) So, off I went on Monday morning… and wouw… I was amazed at how easy it was!! I felt deaf and dumb at the ticket counter, as I gave her the note with my questions written down on it! And I was just agreeing to everything they were saying, as I didn’t know what else to say… BUT that didn’t matter. Because I managed to get myself on the right train and the right bus! And only 2 hours after leaving Jinzhou I was at the beach!!! Yay yay yay… I couldn’t believe it. It was the best day I’ve had in so long. I wasn’t lost in translation at all! And I just had to constantly remind myself of how funny this whole situation really was… because I honestly don’t think that I’ll ever find myself to be in a place where I feel so NOT UNDERSTOOD…
What a liberating feeling: the language didn’t get the better of me. China had opened up its doors and suddenly I was seeing everything so fresh and new. Xing Cheng is a small tourist resort only an hour from Jinzhou… The city itself would, to most, seem to be pretty similar to Jinzhou, but to me it felt so different. Man, I suddenly loved China so much and everything that had become normal in Jinzhou, seemed so surreal, inspiring and cool in Xing Cheng. The donkeys, the carts, the stalls, the colours, the characters, the Asian feel… I was so inspired and it got my travel juices as well as my writing juices flowing! Yes… life was amazing…
I hung out at the beachside all day… writing, walking, looking, taking pictures, reading and having a ball, all by myself! I didn’t feel saddened that it was suddenly time to make my way back to the bus, the train and ultimately to Jinzhou, because I knew I could come back! I knew what it was I needed in this current situation, so as to always be on top of the game! There were no more barriers. And from now on I can explore every weekend if I want! All I have to do is accept some help from those who know this country and I don’t have to feel like a failure for doing so. I can’t wait for my next day trip, to whatever place it may be… all I hope is that it will again be by the sea!!!! Yay… I was totally refuelled by the end of the day… so to round it off and bring all that energy into my current contacts, I went to the club with the guys from work and had the best night ever…without getting ‘high’ on alcohol, but instead just being ‘high’ on life and becoming temporarily the ruler of the dance floor!
Jinzhou was losing its brightness… and I was missing fresh air, the sea, the mountains, the greenery… I was seeing this city as being one compressed file of buildings, buildings and more buildings. So, Saturday night after work, I knew I had to get out of this place, even just for a few hours… Every bit of me was in need of it… my lungs didn’t want anymore pollution, my head didn’t want to feel the pressure of city life, my eyes didn’t want to see these grey buildings anymore, my ears didn’t want to hear the traffic… My overall appreciation for Jinzhou needed to be rekindled and the travel juices needed to be set flowing once again.
But before I could do this, there was something I needed to overcome. I had this little obstacle that had been stopping me from exploring, ever since arriving in Jinzhou: the language! This barrier meant I wasn’t able to read timetables, tickets, directions, destinations… I hadn’t a clue as to how the whole system of public transportation worked. I’d only been out of Jinzhou ONCE in the past 5 months!!!!! And that was with Lauren, who took it upon herself to sort our tickets and the directions. She also had enough Chinese to get us there without any problems. But, now I wanted to branch out ALONE… How would this work, if there was no English ANYWHERE and ALL I WAS SEEING WAS CHINESE CHARACTERS? How would this work, if I wasn’t able to ask ANYBODY what ticket I wanted, what bus I needed, what stop I had to get off at… if NOBODY SPEAKS ANYTHING MORE THAN ‘HELLO’. I can’t really give out, because I’m no better! My Chinese doesn’t go beyond: “Hello”, “Goodbye”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “I don’t understand”, “I don’t know”, “it doesn’t matter”, “right”, “straight ahead”, “stop here”, “where”... oh and… “green tea!”… (okay, I probably do know a little bit more than this, but still not enough to understand what they’re saying to me).
So, how would this work? I had to accept help where it was being given. So I got Elaine from work to tell me where the nearest seaside was. She also sussed out my trains times online (something I couldn’t do either, as it’s all in Chinese characters). She had to write the directions as well as the questions I needed, which were only 2: “Can I have one ticket to Xing Cheng” and “Can I have one ticket to Jinzhou”… (Xing Cheng is the place I decided to explore). Everything else was just guess work… And I knew I had her on the end of the phone if I really got stuck and lost in translation.
Was I confident to do this alone? I had to be. There was no choice in the matter… Not when my sanity was at stake ;) So, off I went on Monday morning… and wouw… I was amazed at how easy it was!! I felt deaf and dumb at the ticket counter, as I gave her the note with my questions written down on it! And I was just agreeing to everything they were saying, as I didn’t know what else to say… BUT that didn’t matter. Because I managed to get myself on the right train and the right bus! And only 2 hours after leaving Jinzhou I was at the beach!!! Yay yay yay… I couldn’t believe it. It was the best day I’ve had in so long. I wasn’t lost in translation at all! And I just had to constantly remind myself of how funny this whole situation really was… because I honestly don’t think that I’ll ever find myself to be in a place where I feel so NOT UNDERSTOOD…
What a liberating feeling: the language didn’t get the better of me. China had opened up its doors and suddenly I was seeing everything so fresh and new. Xing Cheng is a small tourist resort only an hour from Jinzhou… The city itself would, to most, seem to be pretty similar to Jinzhou, but to me it felt so different. Man, I suddenly loved China so much and everything that had become normal in Jinzhou, seemed so surreal, inspiring and cool in Xing Cheng. The donkeys, the carts, the stalls, the colours, the characters, the Asian feel… I was so inspired and it got my travel juices as well as my writing juices flowing! Yes… life was amazing…
I hung out at the beachside all day… writing, walking, looking, taking pictures, reading and having a ball, all by myself! I didn’t feel saddened that it was suddenly time to make my way back to the bus, the train and ultimately to Jinzhou, because I knew I could come back! I knew what it was I needed in this current situation, so as to always be on top of the game! There were no more barriers. And from now on I can explore every weekend if I want! All I have to do is accept some help from those who know this country and I don’t have to feel like a failure for doing so. I can’t wait for my next day trip, to whatever place it may be… all I hope is that it will again be by the sea!!!! Yay… I was totally refuelled by the end of the day… so to round it off and bring all that energy into my current contacts, I went to the club with the guys from work and had the best night ever…without getting ‘high’ on alcohol, but instead just being ‘high’ on life and becoming temporarily the ruler of the dance floor!
Friday, July 15, 2011
A moment reflecting: Coffee-stopping
Listen to what happened on my weekend (Monday)… I set out walking the streets of Jinzhou, in search of something after waking-up and feeling I could just sit down and start the next book. I already had an idea as to what it would be about… So I figured, why wouldn’t I be able to go to a coffee shop, set-up my ‘office’ (not staying at home was for the reason that I felt a flow of people around me would give me good buzz of excitement) and just start from something fresh and new… So… sitting in coffeeshop number 1… Humm… nothing was happening… I was just journaling… So, I figured, it was the wrong setting. So I moved to the food court on the otherside of town… I sat, I waited… nope… there wasn’t even any journaling… I didn’t even switch-on my laptop! I wasn’t even holding a pen! What happened then? I got frustrated of course! I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to simply write this book… By this stage I was too much inside my own head… So I forced myself to end the ‘coffee stopping’ and I started to make my way home…before going to just one more coffee shop; it was only number 3… I sat and didn’t even give a thought to what I should be writing about. At that point I figured I’d already gone too far and it only led me to feel clogged and stuck. I was forcing something into being that obviously wasn’t ready to come to life just yet.
All this coffee-stopping, was such an interesting thing to do (and not because of the coffees…I wasn’t actually drinking cappuccinos or lattes but tea and milky drinks instead … caffeine and I don’t work well together!). That evening I felt like such a loser: if I claim to be a writer then why can’t I just sit and start another book? I couldn’t figure it out… I felt like it had been weeks since I’d finished my first book and I was lagging behind. But then, I realized: it had actually only been 3 full days since I’d been running around the office shouting full of joy that I’d finished my first book… since that morning, I’d been teaching and lesson planning for 3 solid days (up until Sunday evening and had worked a 20 hour weekend and I actually expected to be able to wake-up after such days and instantly start the next book… Man oh man… I had to remind myself I’m only human…
So… what’s happened since then? I’ve accepted that right now, I’m in the middle of 2 books. I’m finding a home for book 1 (as I’m contacting agencies again and only got word back from the one Dublin…he’s reviewing the book and will reply in August... so that’s good news!) and book 2 is brewing away inside. I’ve a few ideas floating around but nothing enough yet for the writing to actually start.
Writing one book doesn’t automatically mean that writing another will take the same amount of time… it won’t come about in the same manner either… Because, back then I was in Ireland and now I’m in China. Back then I wasn’t working and now I’m teaching. Back then the writing was allowed to take over my life. But now… that can’t be the way… because I’ve a life alongside the writing, and it takes up more of my time and focus. So, it will be different this time round. But one fact of the matter remains the same: before a book can actually be written and take on a life of its’ own… the idea needs to grow bigger and bigger until I can do nothing else, other than sit down and actually put it into words… hummm…
All this coffee-stopping, was such an interesting thing to do (and not because of the coffees…I wasn’t actually drinking cappuccinos or lattes but tea and milky drinks instead … caffeine and I don’t work well together!). That evening I felt like such a loser: if I claim to be a writer then why can’t I just sit and start another book? I couldn’t figure it out… I felt like it had been weeks since I’d finished my first book and I was lagging behind. But then, I realized: it had actually only been 3 full days since I’d been running around the office shouting full of joy that I’d finished my first book… since that morning, I’d been teaching and lesson planning for 3 solid days (up until Sunday evening and had worked a 20 hour weekend and I actually expected to be able to wake-up after such days and instantly start the next book… Man oh man… I had to remind myself I’m only human…
So… what’s happened since then? I’ve accepted that right now, I’m in the middle of 2 books. I’m finding a home for book 1 (as I’m contacting agencies again and only got word back from the one Dublin…he’s reviewing the book and will reply in August... so that’s good news!) and book 2 is brewing away inside. I’ve a few ideas floating around but nothing enough yet for the writing to actually start.
Writing one book doesn’t automatically mean that writing another will take the same amount of time… it won’t come about in the same manner either… Because, back then I was in Ireland and now I’m in China. Back then I wasn’t working and now I’m teaching. Back then the writing was allowed to take over my life. But now… that can’t be the way… because I’ve a life alongside the writing, and it takes up more of my time and focus. So, it will be different this time round. But one fact of the matter remains the same: before a book can actually be written and take on a life of its’ own… the idea needs to grow bigger and bigger until I can do nothing else, other than sit down and actually put it into words… hummm…
A moment reflecting
The process of writing a book. Well… what can I say? At this stage I can safely say… that it’s something I’ve done before… and am willing to do again. So much so… But it takes some reflecting on how the first book came to be a book, before I can actually accept that the second book can’t simply be created over night…
It’s almost a year ago since I left India and headed to Rome before slowly but reluctantly making my way to Ireland, where I actually only wanted to stay for a few weeks. However, things planned out differently… I left India with this URGENCY almost to write my first book about anorexia. I had to do it… I didn’t know where it would happen or how… I didn’t know the process that was involved and so it was hard to determine how long it would take. I knew I wanted to write but didn’t want it to interfere with my travels.
Anyhow… to keep this ‘short’… I set out in search for a place to write and in August I landed myself in Ireland thinking I could write the book within a month. I wanted to be on the road by… well… asap! But it didn’t plan out like that at all. I actually see now that, from the middle of August up until the middle of October, I spent diving into that part of me again and reliving my first blog (nfightinga.blogspot.com). As well I had to get into the proper flow of continuous writing… as everyday I would sit and journal about absolutely everything and anything. It wasn’t until the middle of October came and I’d found a place to write, I’d found the words I wanted to write and the flow was almost unstoppable. For 2 solid months I sat at the desk in my little brothers Seans room, every morning from 08.30am till around 3pm… tapping on the keyboard. And the story unfolded.
By Christmas my book was complete. I then had 2 months of contacting agencies… I let the actual story sit for a while… and distanced myself but still put out the word in Ireland (and often further afield) as much as possible, that this book was in search of a home. I wanted to establish myself as being ‘some sort of a writer’ before leaving to travel again. And 2 months later (February), I set off… to China… Again, 2 months I let the book sit tight. I needed to feel settled in my flying excitement as this part of the world was bringing up many different sides of me. Without having grounded myself, I couldn’t even consider going into that part of my past once again, even though I knew that it needed my attention. By the end of April… it happened… by finding this apartment, a new environment was created so the editing could begin… and 2 months later, after reliving my past all over again, in between staying focused on the job here at hand, I did it… The book is now complete…
So… that just about sums up HOW a book can be written… even BEFORE the publishing starts… Why am I going over this process? Because, to see so clearly how the story FIRST needs to grow in it’s concept and how I need to feel I’m totally in the RIGHT PLACE for the actual words to be fit for a book, gives me acceptance of the fact that, in my current situation, it’s impossible for me to wake-up from one day to the next and say I ACTUALLY WILL START WRITING ANOTHER BOOK TODAY!
It’s almost a year ago since I left India and headed to Rome before slowly but reluctantly making my way to Ireland, where I actually only wanted to stay for a few weeks. However, things planned out differently… I left India with this URGENCY almost to write my first book about anorexia. I had to do it… I didn’t know where it would happen or how… I didn’t know the process that was involved and so it was hard to determine how long it would take. I knew I wanted to write but didn’t want it to interfere with my travels.
Anyhow… to keep this ‘short’… I set out in search for a place to write and in August I landed myself in Ireland thinking I could write the book within a month. I wanted to be on the road by… well… asap! But it didn’t plan out like that at all. I actually see now that, from the middle of August up until the middle of October, I spent diving into that part of me again and reliving my first blog (nfightinga.blogspot.com). As well I had to get into the proper flow of continuous writing… as everyday I would sit and journal about absolutely everything and anything. It wasn’t until the middle of October came and I’d found a place to write, I’d found the words I wanted to write and the flow was almost unstoppable. For 2 solid months I sat at the desk in my little brothers Seans room, every morning from 08.30am till around 3pm… tapping on the keyboard. And the story unfolded.
By Christmas my book was complete. I then had 2 months of contacting agencies… I let the actual story sit for a while… and distanced myself but still put out the word in Ireland (and often further afield) as much as possible, that this book was in search of a home. I wanted to establish myself as being ‘some sort of a writer’ before leaving to travel again. And 2 months later (February), I set off… to China… Again, 2 months I let the book sit tight. I needed to feel settled in my flying excitement as this part of the world was bringing up many different sides of me. Without having grounded myself, I couldn’t even consider going into that part of my past once again, even though I knew that it needed my attention. By the end of April… it happened… by finding this apartment, a new environment was created so the editing could begin… and 2 months later, after reliving my past all over again, in between staying focused on the job here at hand, I did it… The book is now complete…
So… that just about sums up HOW a book can be written… even BEFORE the publishing starts… Why am I going over this process? Because, to see so clearly how the story FIRST needs to grow in it’s concept and how I need to feel I’m totally in the RIGHT PLACE for the actual words to be fit for a book, gives me acceptance of the fact that, in my current situation, it’s impossible for me to wake-up from one day to the next and say I ACTUALLY WILL START WRITING ANOTHER BOOK TODAY!
Friday, July 8, 2011
The words of the day: Yay yay yay
Last night (Thursday the 7th) something came over me. I was just finished work. It was 06.30pm. I was feeling strangely calm, wasn’t tired at all… and didn’t really want to head home. So I strolled around town, eating dinner at the stalls, by myself, totally happy just to ponder. Then I came across this tiny little ice-cream parlour, pretty close to home. There were 3 tables. It was empty. I sat and I wondered… Humm… What to do? It was 7pm by that stage and still I didn’t want to head home. So, I took out my laptop and thought to just look over some the editing…
Time stood still… and before I knew what was happening I was nearly done with the whole book!!! It was suddenly 09.30pm. It was dark and still humid outside. I was the only person sitting in the ice-cream parlour, drinking hot milk and reading through my manuscript. It was absolutely brilliant. I couldn’t believe how easy I was finding that stage of the editing process. I was at a stage in the book that had always been the most painful and difficult part. Usually I’d be feeling the pain again. But last night, I wasn’t. I wasn’t emotionally affected at all! It was going so well… I had to stop though, as they were shutting up shop. I went home and by the time I got to bed, it was 11pm. I lay there, and knew for a fact that by 1pm the following day I’d have the whole book done. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it…
And sure enough, I woke up at 4.30am. I couldn’t sleep any longer. So I got up at 5.30am… I had to get out of the house. I knew I was going to finish the book, but I didn’t want to do it in the apartment. I wanted to be surrounded by a flow of people. I wanted to be sitting in coffee shop, where I’d purposely take a spot and finish reading the last part of the script. That’s exactly what I set out to do.
And what a morning I’ve had! I was so full of energy… I almost sprinted to the food-court where I wanted to sit… And it happened! 2 hours is all it took to review the last pieces of the book… It flowed, it was easy to read and I hardly adjusted anything! I felt so at ease, and again, no major emotions were experienced and I felt… so calm. This feeling told me that I didn’t need to change anything anymore. I knew that the version of my book, as it stands right now… IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes yes yes…
There was nothing in the book that raised doubt in my mind, whether it was belonging to the story or not. I knew the story had come full circle or I, as a writer, had come full circle… The past months of editing were suddenly over, as I sat in the foodcourt of the local shopping mall…surrounded by only Chinese people, who were way too interested in what I was doing, as I was absorbed in the story that is now ready for worldly observation! Yes yes yes… The sense of calm I had, told me that I’m now confident that this is truly the story as it’s meant to be. What others will make of it, be it close family, friends or distant agents or publishers, I can’t be sure of. And that’s fine. Because what I AM sure of, is that this version of manuscript number 1, is what I want it to be.
I was ecstatic and so excited. I felt nervous even… I wanted to run and jump and tell the whole world!!!! But, I couldn’t… So, I headed to work. I was due to start at 1pm. In I walked… I popped onto my laptop to make the last backups of the book… and with all the colleagues around me, I first didn’t want to say anything… But I couldn’t contain myself… So I started: “guys, I’ve got big news…” And that’s when I started jumping around the office, telling them I’d finished my book and that it’s how I want it to be and how it will be recognized in the world – whether others like it or loathe it… It doesn’t matter, because I love it… I know for a fact it will find a spot somewhere on a bookshelf. It simply has to… if I believe in it so strongly….
With so much excitement, everyone was delighted for me… Really, I couldn’t have gotten a better response… And the next question was: “What happens from here Niamh?”… well, at the moment I’m still waiting for the agent in Ireland to get back to me about the first 70 pages, which he’s currently reviewing. In the meantime, I’ll probably continue going through the list of agencies (that I’d already started getting through, when I was still in Ireland). As well the concept for what writing to next focus on, will grow… Now that I’ve nothing more to add to this book, I’ve got space in my mind to look forward towards the next book… Wow… it’s so exciting. So the process will keep on going and I will keep on writing and believing that this first book is already making it’s way to where it’s needed… patience is a must as well… haha….
So, all in all, a massive day on my part… And now I’m in work, trying to plan lessons for my classes… what a contrast! Anyhow, it’s brilliant, and I’m delighted to finally be able to write this post… Months of hard work will pay-off… they are actually already paying-off… if how I felt today was anything to go by!!!! Yay………
Time stood still… and before I knew what was happening I was nearly done with the whole book!!! It was suddenly 09.30pm. It was dark and still humid outside. I was the only person sitting in the ice-cream parlour, drinking hot milk and reading through my manuscript. It was absolutely brilliant. I couldn’t believe how easy I was finding that stage of the editing process. I was at a stage in the book that had always been the most painful and difficult part. Usually I’d be feeling the pain again. But last night, I wasn’t. I wasn’t emotionally affected at all! It was going so well… I had to stop though, as they were shutting up shop. I went home and by the time I got to bed, it was 11pm. I lay there, and knew for a fact that by 1pm the following day I’d have the whole book done. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it…
And sure enough, I woke up at 4.30am. I couldn’t sleep any longer. So I got up at 5.30am… I had to get out of the house. I knew I was going to finish the book, but I didn’t want to do it in the apartment. I wanted to be surrounded by a flow of people. I wanted to be sitting in coffee shop, where I’d purposely take a spot and finish reading the last part of the script. That’s exactly what I set out to do.
And what a morning I’ve had! I was so full of energy… I almost sprinted to the food-court where I wanted to sit… And it happened! 2 hours is all it took to review the last pieces of the book… It flowed, it was easy to read and I hardly adjusted anything! I felt so at ease, and again, no major emotions were experienced and I felt… so calm. This feeling told me that I didn’t need to change anything anymore. I knew that the version of my book, as it stands right now… IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes yes yes…
There was nothing in the book that raised doubt in my mind, whether it was belonging to the story or not. I knew the story had come full circle or I, as a writer, had come full circle… The past months of editing were suddenly over, as I sat in the foodcourt of the local shopping mall…surrounded by only Chinese people, who were way too interested in what I was doing, as I was absorbed in the story that is now ready for worldly observation! Yes yes yes… The sense of calm I had, told me that I’m now confident that this is truly the story as it’s meant to be. What others will make of it, be it close family, friends or distant agents or publishers, I can’t be sure of. And that’s fine. Because what I AM sure of, is that this version of manuscript number 1, is what I want it to be.
I was ecstatic and so excited. I felt nervous even… I wanted to run and jump and tell the whole world!!!! But, I couldn’t… So, I headed to work. I was due to start at 1pm. In I walked… I popped onto my laptop to make the last backups of the book… and with all the colleagues around me, I first didn’t want to say anything… But I couldn’t contain myself… So I started: “guys, I’ve got big news…” And that’s when I started jumping around the office, telling them I’d finished my book and that it’s how I want it to be and how it will be recognized in the world – whether others like it or loathe it… It doesn’t matter, because I love it… I know for a fact it will find a spot somewhere on a bookshelf. It simply has to… if I believe in it so strongly….
With so much excitement, everyone was delighted for me… Really, I couldn’t have gotten a better response… And the next question was: “What happens from here Niamh?”… well, at the moment I’m still waiting for the agent in Ireland to get back to me about the first 70 pages, which he’s currently reviewing. In the meantime, I’ll probably continue going through the list of agencies (that I’d already started getting through, when I was still in Ireland). As well the concept for what writing to next focus on, will grow… Now that I’ve nothing more to add to this book, I’ve got space in my mind to look forward towards the next book… Wow… it’s so exciting. So the process will keep on going and I will keep on writing and believing that this first book is already making it’s way to where it’s needed… patience is a must as well… haha….
So, all in all, a massive day on my part… And now I’m in work, trying to plan lessons for my classes… what a contrast! Anyhow, it’s brilliant, and I’m delighted to finally be able to write this post… Months of hard work will pay-off… they are actually already paying-off… if how I felt today was anything to go by!!!! Yay………
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
New life...
Big news from back home!!! A baby has been born!! Yay yay yay… my sister Orla just gave birth 2 days ago, to a precious little girl… The healthy new little edition to the family is now known as Ynera. What a special name!!! She’s their second child, to accompany my 3 year old niece Enya. I thought I would have been homesick, but it’s kind of hard to be sad, when something so brilliant is happening in their lives. And the big family gatherings that will be coming up, when my oldest sister Emma also gives birth in August and when christenings are planned - all of which I won’t apart - doesn’t make me feel too separated or distant… This is a sign that I’m happy where I am… I probably feel closer to them… because there’s one extra person to strengthen our family! I wonder when I’ll get to meet the little princess…
So... not being homesick and feeling so happy, means I’m on top of life right now… Everything is working out brilliantly and, after last weeks little hick-up, I feel so much better and more relaxed with everything I’m doing… Work is going great, classes are going just as good and will only get better over the upcoming period… because the more relaxed I am, the easier I am on the kids and the happier I am to see them happy in my classes… This also gives me more energy to put into writing. And now that I’ve truly felt how important writing is for me, I've also discovered my real source of happiness and my source of strength, so I can be on top of life... This is already a reason for me to feel happier with every single person who is apart of my Jinzhou story, every single one of my colleagues included... It’s unreal. I guess I’ve 'simply' found the importance of, first-off, to depend on our own selves for happiness, before even considering to depend on our surrounding environment (people included) to give us that happiness. The surroundings as well as the people are here to ADD to the experiences, but not to actually MAKE them. We, ourselves, are the 'makers'.
I was talking the other day and I couldn’t help but say that I feel to have come home…
How exciting is this life...
So... not being homesick and feeling so happy, means I’m on top of life right now… Everything is working out brilliantly and, after last weeks little hick-up, I feel so much better and more relaxed with everything I’m doing… Work is going great, classes are going just as good and will only get better over the upcoming period… because the more relaxed I am, the easier I am on the kids and the happier I am to see them happy in my classes… This also gives me more energy to put into writing. And now that I’ve truly felt how important writing is for me, I've also discovered my real source of happiness and my source of strength, so I can be on top of life... This is already a reason for me to feel happier with every single person who is apart of my Jinzhou story, every single one of my colleagues included... It’s unreal. I guess I’ve 'simply' found the importance of, first-off, to depend on our own selves for happiness, before even considering to depend on our surrounding environment (people included) to give us that happiness. The surroundings as well as the people are here to ADD to the experiences, but not to actually MAKE them. We, ourselves, are the 'makers'.
I was talking the other day and I couldn’t help but say that I feel to have come home…
How exciting is this life...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Big Break
5 days ago I posted a blog that was somewhat extreme and deep. I didn’t realize at the time just how far I was going. All I knew was: I had to express those feelings, as I was about to explode with frustration. I never meant for that blog to be so full of judgement, anger and lack of appreciation for what I’m currently doing and for the people I’m surrounded by. It was never my intention to bring down the group I work with… nor did I want to speak badly of others or hurt anybody… But in that moment I couldn’t help but see myself so separate from everybody. And separation never brings positive feelings to the surface. I’ve been going through a big change and in my last entry it was as if I had to push against the group even more and break myself free so as to find a missing part of me… I’ll explain…
I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!
It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.
The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.
I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…
On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…
What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.
To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…
I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…
I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!
It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.
The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.
I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…
On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…
What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.
To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…
I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
New Leaf - 2
I pushed myself through that stage, I went to my classes, I struggled and the next day, for some reason I was back on top of the game and life was amazing. I had 2 brilliant days of teaching and I truly felt my classes were fuelled by a deeper strength. The only thing that got me to enjoy myself so much was something deeper that was pushing me through. That’s the only way to describe how I felt throughout the 2 days that followed. Then another breakdown… a social event that I was unable to deal with… I felt so lonely sitting in a restaurant with the group of foreign teachers… and I was lost. I was miserable… Again I was forcing myself to be in a certain way, just to be accepted and to do what was expected of me… I can’t describe how I felt throughout the following 12 hours… again breakdown… Thankfully I had 2 days off to get through things…
On the last night of the weekend, I was speaking with Helen. And the conclusion: I’ve got too much going on inside of me and I’m about to explode with the energy; and this energy has no outlet. There are barriers all around me: language barriers between myself and the people in china and barriers between myself and the only group of foreign teachers who were ‘meant’ to become my life here in Jinzhou. I’m restricted, I’m limited and that’s where the feeling of being lonely, whilst surrounded by others, comes from. When I’m alone, there’s no sense of loneliness at all!
I’m at a point now, where I know I have to plan where I’m going AFTER this contract ends in February… Because if I don’t plan something concrete and put my focus towards moving on to better things and needing this time in Jinzhou for the purpose of moving forward AFTER the contract ends, I know it will be too easy for me to say: I’m leaving. The impulsive me will get too powerful, and I’ll be gone. That’s where I’m at right now… If this situation isn’t making me happy and if I don’t have anything to keep me here, then I know I’ll too easily leave… So this is my challenge… For some reason I have to stay… I need to constantly place myself around people who don’t recognize or appreciate the things in my life that I so passionately choose to live for. I need to stay in this situation… if it’s because of my amazing apartment, or for my book, my writing, the kids, the teaching or the lessons I myself will learn… I don’t know for what reason… But I know I can do this. I know I can create my own sense of freedom. I know that I need to focus on the people who do enrich my life and who are open to seeing, recognizing, accepting who I am and what I have to give. Those people are Helen and Sophia (she used to work at EF too, a Chinese teacher, with brilliant English. She’s since left the company but we’re still in contact… she’s so special). The other Chinese teachers either aren’t fluent enough in English and so, any real connection can’t be formed – even though they are all really lovely girls…
This post wasn’t meant to be so in depth… but hey-ho… there you have it! This is me for now… I’m thinking of planning where to go after my contract ends… and thinking what I can do in the meantime so more people come into my life, who I can form some sort of connection with…
Having said all of this… Really, I don’t resent the group of teachers, not at all. I don’t want to change them, I don’t hate going into work… I love being with the kids, I love the teaching in general and I’m happy – even when I’m venting all of this ‘wasted’ passion here on my blog… Hummm…. I have to trust that things are changing, always and only for the better… Focus on the good and only good will be experienced… it’s the start of a new week, a new leaf, a new chapter in my Jinzhou story… and it’s opening with the phrase somebody said to me on Monday night: “Niamh, you’re positive energy is good for Jinzhou…” … Now, all I have to do is feel that Jinzhou is good for me too… as I am (apparently) good for it…
On the last night of the weekend, I was speaking with Helen. And the conclusion: I’ve got too much going on inside of me and I’m about to explode with the energy; and this energy has no outlet. There are barriers all around me: language barriers between myself and the people in china and barriers between myself and the only group of foreign teachers who were ‘meant’ to become my life here in Jinzhou. I’m restricted, I’m limited and that’s where the feeling of being lonely, whilst surrounded by others, comes from. When I’m alone, there’s no sense of loneliness at all!
I’m at a point now, where I know I have to plan where I’m going AFTER this contract ends in February… Because if I don’t plan something concrete and put my focus towards moving on to better things and needing this time in Jinzhou for the purpose of moving forward AFTER the contract ends, I know it will be too easy for me to say: I’m leaving. The impulsive me will get too powerful, and I’ll be gone. That’s where I’m at right now… If this situation isn’t making me happy and if I don’t have anything to keep me here, then I know I’ll too easily leave… So this is my challenge… For some reason I have to stay… I need to constantly place myself around people who don’t recognize or appreciate the things in my life that I so passionately choose to live for. I need to stay in this situation… if it’s because of my amazing apartment, or for my book, my writing, the kids, the teaching or the lessons I myself will learn… I don’t know for what reason… But I know I can do this. I know I can create my own sense of freedom. I know that I need to focus on the people who do enrich my life and who are open to seeing, recognizing, accepting who I am and what I have to give. Those people are Helen and Sophia (she used to work at EF too, a Chinese teacher, with brilliant English. She’s since left the company but we’re still in contact… she’s so special). The other Chinese teachers either aren’t fluent enough in English and so, any real connection can’t be formed – even though they are all really lovely girls…
This post wasn’t meant to be so in depth… but hey-ho… there you have it! This is me for now… I’m thinking of planning where to go after my contract ends… and thinking what I can do in the meantime so more people come into my life, who I can form some sort of connection with…
Having said all of this… Really, I don’t resent the group of teachers, not at all. I don’t want to change them, I don’t hate going into work… I love being with the kids, I love the teaching in general and I’m happy – even when I’m venting all of this ‘wasted’ passion here on my blog… Hummm…. I have to trust that things are changing, always and only for the better… Focus on the good and only good will be experienced… it’s the start of a new week, a new leaf, a new chapter in my Jinzhou story… and it’s opening with the phrase somebody said to me on Monday night: “Niamh, you’re positive energy is good for Jinzhou…” … Now, all I have to do is feel that Jinzhou is good for me too… as I am (apparently) good for it…
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