Over the past few days I was still going round and round in my head, questioning my decision… And I’ve had a few minor panic attacks when I realized that this change really has been set in motion and I now can do nothing else, other than follow it through. This panic reinforced the questioning of course… But, once it subsided, and I felt calm, the answer still remained the same. I want to do this, it’s what I need.
So I stopped searching for justified reasons as to why I’m leaving. I’m settling now in what I’m doing. It’s also become more real as I’ve confirmed with my boss that I’m going. I did this yesterday. What a day it was. Of course, he wasn’t happy and I had to have understanding for this. He played the guilt-trip; I was letting others down and I was creating a problem for the school and it’s not what ‘you foreigners’ should be doing… I was quite emotional but managed to contain myself and, whilst sitting across from this man, who doesn’t know me at all… who doesn’t care about me one bit… but who wants the power to control my decisions… I said something I never thought I’d say to anybody, especially NOT MY BOSS: “My health, my mind and my body are more important to me than anything else right now, no matter how much I love to teach”. This was huge. I was saying something that once upon a time, would have been a reason for me to hate and loathe every part of myself, causing me to bring destruction into my life. But, I did it… I can’t say I instantly came out on top… Oh no… I was feeling awful. Again, that was okay…
Right now, it’s like I’m temporarily in between 2 worlds. When I’m in my apartment, alone, I’m feeling good, I’m happy, I’m writing and things are flowing. I working through what I need and looking ahead. Then, the time comes for me to go to work and I come down a peg or 2… instantly, just by stepping out into the streets. I don’t walk and smile at the people anymore and I don’t want them looking at my face that is one appearing to bear the weight of the world… For this reason I can’t bear them to look, nor can I bear to smile… Something is stopping me from doing so…
But, again, that’s okay. It’s the way it’s got to be and it will pass. This is what I know for sure… It’s just a process of change…
At work, in the office, I’m so cautious who I talk to and what I get tangled up in… Because, by doing so, I feel I’ll be losing myself again and right now, it’s so important that I keep my other world unfolding… The world that isn’t here… the one that’s outside of China. That world has become my source of energy and the lightness in my life. The things that are appearing before me enable me to teach the way I want and I’m still being here in the moment. However contradictive that may sound: planning and dreaming of beyond, but still being able to be totally present in my classes, so I can appreciate and enjoy them… How odd…
So, the plans for India are starting to unfold, with everyday that passes. Nothing is definite just yet, but I’ve been in touch with a school I was teaching at when I was there last year. As well a few close friends from there have also being giving me options. The opportunities are coming my way. My vision is opening up again and, as this is only the beginning. I know soon enough my smile will come naturally again and the world will show me it’s magic. It’s already happening, as I’m moving forward... one step at a time.
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