Silly expression

Everybody knows. I told my colleagues on Friday about the move and of course it was making the whole thing all the more real. I felt nervous and relieved and closer to them, just for opening up. And my withdrawn behaviour and my unpredictable moods of the past few weeks, or months even, were suddenly making sense to everyone… As well as the exhaustion that others would see wearing heavy on my face and the chatting I was only ever able to do, if work wasn’t playing on my mind. Everyone had suspected that something was going on with me, but they didn’t know that it was so bad, that I’d chosen to leave. I can’t say they were delighted to hear of me leaving – on the contrary. But once they knew I wasn’t happy, they were willing for me to do whatever I felt was necessary so as to be happy in myself.

I told them my next step: India… I can’t even believe the words I spoke, when I ‘revealing’ what was going on and my reasons for going there: “I’m going back, to… find myself!” Why would I say something so farfetched! My god, I’ve met travellers before who’ve said the same thing… and I actually thought it so ‘off the wall’! Going to India, to find yourself!!!! What a joke! Well… on Friday, in the office, I was saying the exact same thing, but I had no other way to describing WHY I was choosing for this to be my next move.

I could go to many places to find myself… I could go to Ireland… I’d like to say I could go to Australia, but I know the side of me that I’ll find there, and it’s not the one I need right now. The same probably goes for Ireland too… I know what side of me I’ll find there, and that’s the side that doesn’t need to be focussed on right, not fully… ‘Finding myself’ in India – it’s a familiar place to me… and I know I can first-off experience everything I that I’d become temporarily out of touch with, here in Jinzhou. And once that starts happening, I know I’ll discover even more of myself by simply being in a place I love so much. It’s almost like I can see that Ireland would bring me deep down into a grounded routine where the writing would possess me. And in India, because I’m planning (for as much as planning is possible) to first go to an ashram for a month, I’ll probably ground myself there and yes, writing will be done, but it will be to free myself from anything that China has subconsciously burdened me with, so I can move forward and experience India through brighter and lighter eyes.

Yes, so the statement: “I need to find myself again”… is a ‘legit’ phrase to use when putting it into perspective like this… India is a land with such diversity and so it’s only natural that by ‘finding’ yourself there, a person will be forced to find the diversity within themselves too… especially when wishing to experience comfort in the surrounding environment. It just means a person becomes even more flexible when adjusting to whatever the country of contradicting contrasts presents them with. I know that by refuelling and distancing myself properly from China, by first-off going to a place where I’ll only need to focus on myself for a while, I’ll get myself to feeling my ability to bend and flow with the Indian world and it will be an amazing experience.

As soon as everyone heard, I was feeling even better… Already I felt to be free again. And on Sunday I started wishing for things to materialize. Things needed to start happening just to keep the process ongoing, and for it to become even more real. Sure enough… I got what I wished for. Unexpected, unplanned… the weekend unfolded…