I pushed myself through that stage, I went to my classes, I struggled and the next day, for some reason I was back on top of the game and life was amazing. I had 2 brilliant days of teaching and I truly felt my classes were fuelled by a deeper strength. The only thing that got me to enjoy myself so much was something deeper that was pushing me through. That’s the only way to describe how I felt throughout the 2 days that followed. Then another breakdown… a social event that I was unable to deal with… I felt so lonely sitting in a restaurant with the group of foreign teachers… and I was lost. I was miserable… Again I was forcing myself to be in a certain way, just to be accepted and to do what was expected of me… I can’t describe how I felt throughout the following 12 hours… again breakdown… Thankfully I had 2 days off to get through things…
On the last night of the weekend, I was speaking with Helen. And the conclusion: I’ve got too much going on inside of me and I’m about to explode with the energy; and this energy has no outlet. There are barriers all around me: language barriers between myself and the people in china and barriers between myself and the only group of foreign teachers who were ‘meant’ to become my life here in Jinzhou. I’m restricted, I’m limited and that’s where the feeling of being lonely, whilst surrounded by others, comes from. When I’m alone, there’s no sense of loneliness at all!
I’m at a point now, where I know I have to plan where I’m going AFTER this contract ends in February… Because if I don’t plan something concrete and put my focus towards moving on to better things and needing this time in Jinzhou for the purpose of moving forward AFTER the contract ends, I know it will be too easy for me to say: I’m leaving. The impulsive me will get too powerful, and I’ll be gone. That’s where I’m at right now… If this situation isn’t making me happy and if I don’t have anything to keep me here, then I know I’ll too easily leave… So this is my challenge… For some reason I have to stay… I need to constantly place myself around people who don’t recognize or appreciate the things in my life that I so passionately choose to live for. I need to stay in this situation… if it’s because of my amazing apartment, or for my book, my writing, the kids, the teaching or the lessons I myself will learn… I don’t know for what reason… But I know I can do this. I know I can create my own sense of freedom. I know that I need to focus on the people who do enrich my life and who are open to seeing, recognizing, accepting who I am and what I have to give. Those people are Helen and Sophia (she used to work at EF too, a Chinese teacher, with brilliant English. She’s since left the company but we’re still in contact… she’s so special). The other Chinese teachers either aren’t fluent enough in English and so, any real connection can’t be formed – even though they are all really lovely girls…
This post wasn’t meant to be so in depth… but hey-ho… there you have it! This is me for now… I’m thinking of planning where to go after my contract ends… and thinking what I can do in the meantime so more people come into my life, who I can form some sort of connection with…
Having said all of this… Really, I don’t resent the group of teachers, not at all. I don’t want to change them, I don’t hate going into work… I love being with the kids, I love the teaching in general and I’m happy – even when I’m venting all of this ‘wasted’ passion here on my blog… Hummm…. I have to trust that things are changing, always and only for the better… Focus on the good and only good will be experienced… it’s the start of a new week, a new leaf, a new chapter in my Jinzhou story… and it’s opening with the phrase somebody said to me on Monday night: “Niamh, you’re positive energy is good for Jinzhou…” … Now, all I have to do is feel that Jinzhou is good for me too… as I am (apparently) good for it…
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