Nightmarket talking - 2

On Sunday, during my last class, I had a difficult moment. The class was pushing me to my limits, one boy in particular. He has behaviour problems. Some classes he’s almost unable to contain himself and Sunday he was having one of those moments. He was pushing and pushing and because I was drained myself (it was the very last class of the week) I exploded. I then felt to have been sucked from every bit of love and life I had, and I was left with nothing – no smile and no desire to teach.

What did I do, when I was feeling to be an emotional basket-case on the inside? I gave everyone a worksheet, just to give myself a minute to get back into gear again. They were all sitting quietly, working away and I sat, staring into the nothingness waiting for my energy to come back, so I could smile and show the kids that really I wasn’t angry at them. Once I was feeling a little better, the student in particular who was more difficult to control, came up to me, he gave me his work…and there was this moment, when I wanted to hug him and tell him I wasn’t angry with him. But there were 13 other students… I couldn’t single him out as being more important than the rest… So I bent down, took his work, told him everything was okay (even though he can’t understand me properly) and instead of hugging him, I put my forehead to his… and it were as if we were both saying sorry for ‘acting up’. There was such a strong connection and I felt so emotional. Especially as it had taken him at least 2 or 3 months to warm to me and to feel happy in my classes…

After class, I can’t describe how I was feeling (or I probably could, but I won’t go into detail). Then I realized afterwards, as Helen and I sat down at the night market half an hour later, just how passionate I am about connecting with the kids. I learnt that teaching isn’t the way in which I want to be apart of their lives. I already feel so strongly about how I need to help them and be closer to the kids, whilst travelling – if teaching isn’t the long term position I long to fulfil. I know I can bring together the travel, the writing and the creation of deeper connections with the kids I come into contact with. I know where I need to travel to next, even though I’m only just in China. I can even see how travels will be in aid of the sequel to my first book too and how this present position is already playing a big part in keeping me on the road to where I feel I must go. It’s like every single thing in my life is supporting what it is I’m willing to experience; the people I’m surrounded by, the job I have, the apartment I live in (as it gives me the settled feeling so I can focus on making things happen). Even the fact that I FINISHED DRAFT NUMBER 2 has made everything even clearer in my mind! So, yes it’s all happening. I’m 4 months into my year in China. And it’s not passing me by. On the contrary, I’m taking everything I can from this experience, so I can grow as much as possible. I feel things are changing still, or they’re about to change even more. Having said that, I don’t think, at any point since arriving 4 months ago, have ‘things’ stood still… so the upcoming period won’t be any different. And so, it’s all good change – as people arrive in Jinzhou, leave Jinzhou and stay in Jinzhou…