New Leaf - 1

There have been changes in the team at work. 2 weeks ago, a new girl from America arrived. Talia. Friday a new guy from England arrived. Michael (yet another one!) and Monday night I went to Laurens goodbye party. She’s since left Jinzhou after being here for a year. So, the group of foreigners who I’m ‘meant’ to be associating with, has changed quite a lot. The dynamics are shifting and at the moment, things feel very much up in the air. Which is actually where I wish I was now too… up in the air, on a plane heading to wherever…

I can’t explain what exactly has been happening with me and this experience. Or probably I could, but it’s far too much to put into writing... So I’ll keep this brief… There have been a few incidences over the past week that all been a sign I’ve been forcing myself to fit in with the group of foreign teachers who I’m surrounded by. By coming to Jinzhou and choosing to work for a language school like English First (or EF, as we call it) I was being placed within a group of teachers. These teachers were not only ‘meant’ to be my colleagues - they were also ‘meant’ to become my life outside of work. As this was expected of me, I went with this way of thinking for the first 2 months. It was fine. But then, things changed. I moved into my apartment and chose to create my own space. Since living by myself for the past 2 months, I’ve been spending more time with people who I want to spend time with… and slowly things haven’t been revolving too much around the group of foreign teachers who are ‘meant’ to be my whole life here in Jinzhou. This was my personal choice and I’m happy with it.

So I’ve distanced myself – because I need to focus on myself right now. The hours in the office have been getting more and more difficult for me, because of this. I feel as though I'm going against everything the majority expects of the foreign teachers, when they come to Jinzhou. And what does this lead to? When there’s a close-knit group and one person in particular who once was ‘fitting’ and slowly has become less a part of the ‘togetherness’, then the group could label that person as being ‘weird’, airy fairy and overly emotional… Maybe I'm being judged for the fact that I choose to focus on the things I want and need in life, instead of what others consider to be a necessity.. Do I let it get to me? At times I do, at times I don’t. But generally I’m strong enough to know that I can be who I want to be in this current situation in order to keep myself in touch with positivity.

But what IS starting to actually feel pretty painful is the fact that who I am and what I do, has no outlet here in Jinzhou. It’s like the real me, isn’t being recognized. I’ve known this for quite some time and have been forcing myself to create my own sense of freedom and expression, regardless if it’s being recognized by those around me or not. But over the past 2 weeks, as I’ve seen the changes in the office, I’ve seen the changes in myself more too. In the past, I would have sucked up my pain and forced myself to go with what the people expect of me. But now, I can’t. Even if I try and push myself to be fitting, I simply cannot go against what I feel anymore. I’ve been trying to do this and it led me to breakdown on Friday afternoon… I was lost amongst these people… the group of foreign teachers. Nobody is really harming me… But I was miserable… it was intense and I couldn’t be in the office. I went into an empty classroom and I cried my eyes out…and the only thoughts I had were of leaving this place and getting to the sea. But all I could see out the window were high rise buildings, apartment blocks and traffic…

From that moment I knew something had shifted. I knew something cracked within… It was so strange, because nobody was doing anything to hurt me… But maybe because I’m forcing me to be in this environment, I’m hurting myself. That could be it… Nobody is hurting me, only me… Hummm… I don’t know…