Big Break

5 days ago I posted a blog that was somewhat extreme and deep. I didn’t realize at the time just how far I was going. All I knew was: I had to express those feelings, as I was about to explode with frustration. I never meant for that blog to be so full of judgement, anger and lack of appreciation for what I’m currently doing and for the people I’m surrounded by. It was never my intention to bring down the group I work with… nor did I want to speak badly of others or hurt anybody… But in that moment I couldn’t help but see myself so separate from everybody. And separation never brings positive feelings to the surface. I’ve been going through a big change and in my last entry it was as if I had to push against the group even more and break myself free so as to find a missing part of me… I’ll explain…

I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!

It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.

The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.

I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…

On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…

What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.

To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…

I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…