Tackling teens - 2

The longest 2 hours of my life finally ended. And I felt as though the life had been sucked from the deepest part of myself and I was empty… ENERGY DISCHARGED… I felt so low and just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep… Those 2 hours felt to be so thankless… But it's self-inflicted… And for what? To have put EVERYTHING on hold for the few days leading up towards the talk and to feel drained for the next 2 days afterwards? To feel as though this was a waste of precious time, effort and energy, when I could’ve/should’ve been doing other things that would really make a difference?!?!?!

Last week it seemed like the best route for me to take: approaching the secondary level schools. Now though… I feel it’s totally off-course… It’s got nothing to do with being out of my comfort-zone. Because I love being in front of people, talking, giving them something to feed off… Hummmm…. That’s actually an interesting expression just there: GIVING them something to FEED OFF… The question arises: do I have enough for them to FEED OFF? On every level?! On a mental level, it’s clear I do. On an emotional level – I’m balanced and in this balance I project how unaffected I am when things try to shatter me. This means my main objectives are still brought forth, my purpose is being served and my spirit is alive! I understand how I can expand the energy of my spirit and be creative in the moment when my emotions are balanced. But… what about the physical aspect of me?

Can I stand in front of teenagers, looking like a teenager myself (with my current weight) and feel more than OKAY to be a speaker/lecturer on a topic that has LED ME TO BE SMALLER THAN MOST OF THESE KIDS WHO ARE HALF MY AGE! Wouw… the teens are half my age… yet twice my size! And I’m trying to break through their mental barrier, initially by standing PHSYICALLY in front of them and then feeling their judgement for my size. Being so exposed, it’s obvious that I’ll be partially relying on my physical appearance to get the message across… But it’s contradictive! I know how people in society judge and base everything they think on WHAT THEY SEE. So, of course they’ll initially base the strength of my story, on the strength of my ‘projection of health’, as I’m physically standing beside this book.

Wouw… this is quite deep stuff… Using different avenues to reach the people really is opening up many different avenues to get to my own self too. This is good though… it’s part of my own progress towards to my truth and exposure in the surrounding world as living in my truth.

At this moment in time, I can see, or FEEL, how, up until this point in time, I’ve been relying on my energy of spirit to do everything… I’ve been feeling so vibrant in life, with the mind being clear. And in that clarity, the boosts of energy fire-up inside of me and I’m so strong. Suddenly though, to be exposed and portrayed to everyone, that I’m recovered and strong (in spirit and in mind) whilst having this contradictive appearance, is full exposure of ME and the biggest challenge yet: ‘Am I physically strong enough to speak with all my might??’   

In the manner I did yesterday, it’s clear that I’m not. Are they too young? Is the information too hard? Am I too weak? Is my presence too soft? Is it a combination? Not too sure what the right answer is here.

When I reach stages like this, I know how important it is to listen to the voice. The voice that was telling me all along: Niamh, this isn’t the way to go! Nope. Yesterday I seriously felt to be OFF COURSE. There was a huge imbalance: it cost me more energy than the amount of ‘something’ I was hoping to gain. What did I wish to gain? What would have filled me with energy and life and kept me going? To see and feel that I sparked-off something in these teenagers… something of interest, something of a willingness to absorb whatever lessons I was sharing. But, there was little life, little spark. However, I kept on giving, until I finally reached the bitter end… (2 full hours later). I kept the energy flying around the room… I showed nothing of dissatisfaction or disappointment or annoyance… Because none of it was their fault. It was my own… And today, I’m still drained and trying to get myself passed it. It’s noon and I’m tempted to curl up in bed again…

Wouw… Isn’t it crazy how I’ve inflicted all of this myself!?!?! For what? So I can spread my book…

Well, at least it’s for a good cause and my intentions were, and still are real. I know I can easily stand strong in positions where I’m in the limelight. As long as there’s electricity to keep my light going… Because yesterday there wasn’t, so my light inevitably also weakened... Which is fine… It’s charging itself again. I should be soon able to conquer the world... seeing as though my biggest fear has been faced...

Isn’t it actually brilliant how I taught myself MORE yesterday than I taught all of those 30 youngsters! Amazing…  Oh life oh life oh life... wouw..............