Worldly Guidance 2

And has it worked? To a certain extent, yes! I’ve opened-up to others around me, instead. Not intentionally, but it’s simply how the events have been unfolding… I’m going to go back 2 weeks now… I received an email from an agency in New York. I needed to print-off half of my manuscript. But because I don’t speak Chinese, I had to ask a few girls from work to help me out. To cut an extremely long story short: from the moment of receiving this request from the agency in New York to the moment where I actually stood in the post office and sent off a printed version of the first 2 parts, a few girls have ‘found out’ what my book is about. This wasn’t intentional, but it was inevitable… And Helen (the foreign teacher from New Zealand) has read the first 50 pages. This, again, wasn’t intentional and wasn’t with my consent either, if I have to brutally honest. However, before asking her for help, I knew the chances of her reading it and finding out ‘the truth’ were quite high. I knew I’d have to involve her in the process of approaching agencies? Why? Because she’s the only foreign teacher who speaks fluent Chinese and knows how the world here works. So, for efficiency reasons! And so, I soon found I had to make peace with the fact that she took it upon herself to read those pages, in the silence of her own home…

Why would I even feel bad, for her reading it? I know why. It’s the same issue I was dealing with when I first went on the radio back in Ireland: I was ashamed to suddenly open-up and speak about that part of my life. But I was learning to give the illness a different place in my life. And now I’m being challenged by the disorder: I’m travelling again and meeting new people. So I’ll have this urge to bury the disorder I suffered from, just like I buried it when I travelled to Australia and India after recovery.

Back then, I hid it. I didn’t want others knowing. And for this same reason, the act of travelling to China, will force ‘my truth’ down to a ‘safer’ spot, because it’s what I’ve always done… But it’s not possible anymore. Why not? Because of what I was doing in Ireland: I wrote a book, I was interviewed about it and I was being supported by everything and everyone. What I started in Ireland needs to continue here in China: letting-go of the shame and WANTING for others to read my story. I need to continue feeling pride for what I’ve created SINCE recovering, regardless of what issues may have led me to the illness or what I went through throughout…

Bringing the coincidence of meeting Mike C back into the picture: I choose to see this randomness as a sign that I’m on the right path and that the book will reach the shelf. Also, the fact I DIDN’T feel UPSET or ASHAMED or EXPOSED when Helen read some of the book and ‘discovered’ so much of my past… tells me that the book is being opened and what I started in Ireland, is still ongoing. These are simple changes that I need to be grateful for – as they all support my story. Soon I’ll talk with Mike C…

I know now that China is opening-up chapters of the book that’s already been written and it’s supporting the concept of the second book that will one day need to be created!
Yes Yes Yes!!!!!!!