New Years Day. 2012. Yesterday I sat down to do some updating, but the only thing that came out were ‘pity notes’ about the fact that I wasn’t celebrating the turning of the year, because of being in a town that does little to mark the occasion and also because of living in a hostel with only 3 other women, who all would be in bed by 10pm, after watching some bad Indian television and eating 3 different spicy curries only 10 minutes before saying goodnight. This is exactly what happened and I participated. And that concluded my celebration.
Yesterday afternoon, I was doom and gloom. It had been monsooning non-stop for nearly 2 full days – that could’ve affected me a little. I went on the internet, but didn’t want to email, or blog… so I only rang home and winged a little to my mother on skype… (oops!). But I was just feeling quite strange about everything – I’d been giving classes on New Years Eve and I didn’t have a feeling that it was December 31st at all nor did I really have anybody to celebrate with. Really it wasn’t the end of the world, but still I felt to have reached a stage in my life that usually is only reached once the children have moved out and they aren’t bothered to come to see their mother and give her a hug when the clock strikes 12! But, this makes no sense at all! I’m only 28! Not 88…! and I don’t have any kids! and I’m not immobile! And, it’s by my own choice that I didn’t celebrate this year! So what on earth was going through my mind yesterday!? Now, I can see how silly it all was, but yesterday nothing of my reality was clear, only my mind was playing games and those were what mattered to me (you can clearly tell that I was – as often is the case – way too much inside my own head, and not on the positive side of things!) So, yes, I admit it, I was feeling a little down last night. I went to bed in that same low mood (which actually never happens to me). Because it was so rare, I then was convinced that if I’d go to sleep feeling so low in 2011, I’d inevitably wake-up in 2012 feeling the same thing and the start of the new year would continue on a low note… and my life would be only doom and gloom!
So I wished and wished and wished for it to lift… I fell asleep hoping for ‘me and the new year’ NOT to start on bad terms… I then woke up at 11.58pm. Everything was so quiet. There wasn’t a sound in the hostel, all was dark. Outside, not a peep… not a firecracker to be heard… Nothing… then I dosed and woke only 15 minutes later, I checked the time… and wished myself a happy new year. And that was that! I turned over and continued sleeping until around 04.30am. I then woke and the text messages started coming in… it was around that time when most of my dearest were starting their night of celebrations and gatherings. I stayed awake, feeling on edge, restless… felt as though I should be doing something. But then I realized, even with the uneasiness, I was happy again! I was feeling human again! What a relief that the self-pity had subsided and I didn’t care that at that very moment most of my friends and family were all doing something special together and I wasn’t a part of it. It didn’t bother me that I’d been sleeping my way through the turning of the new year and I was happy to open the window and see that I was in India. Yes!!!!!!!
The whole festive season of 2011 has been quite a difficult one; being sick for most of it, continuing to work throughout, and feeling quite lonely at times. But this morning, none of that mattered anymore. It’s all in the past now… It’s a new beginning…
With such clarity I fine to continue life as normal and doing the things I do that get me off to a good start, no matter what day it is… the things that make me feel human and well… meditation, yoga, breathing exercises… then I had breakfast with the 2 other women, I washed my clothes outside on the stone in the hot morning sun (which I was delighted to do, because it meant that finally my strength and energy had returned after the flu took away for nearly 2 weeks. Man, how happy I was that I could be something of a domestic goddess for a few hours).
And now I’m updating with a spirit that’s high again. Only today I’m realizing that it’s been quite some weeks since I’ve been feeling like this. With this spirit it also feels a lot better to wish everybody all the love, light, peace and laughter to come their way, this New Year. Posting a blog here yesterday and saying the same, would only have felt halfhearted… so I’m delighted I didn’t go on my blog! Yay… Okay enough about that… Even if this has been the quietest and most boring new year celebration of my life, I sincerely hope that everyone had a memorable night, with at least one person around them, to hug when the clock struck 12. Be well, be safe, be happy and, most importantly, be healthy throughout it all…
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