The power of letting go

It’s been 2 months since leaving India. Does it feel to be that long ago? It feels like a lifetime. With so many things going on right now, I often forget what I’ve experienced. It’s like I left India, and that was that! Over and done with… Time for the next chapter. And the change that happened (and still is ongoing) was so drastic and fast, that I almost missed it! I almost didn’t see it happening… Not until recently, that is...

Within 2 or 3 weeks of leaving, Indian-living became a distant memory. No more waking up every morning at 5.30 am to the sounds of the temple music and the cook in the kitchen chopping the vegetables. No more head spins as a result of teaching and lesson planning. No more polite smiles whilst refusing the Indian chai that was way too sweet. No more sitting beneath the banana trees whilst eating breakfast and sweating buckets. So quickly these things became a thing of the past. I moved on so effortlessly because life here in Ireland opened up so much MORE than India (or China) ever could.

I arrived here and a life was waiting; the one of a writer. The space that was created in my head, as a result of leaving India and the teaching behind, was huge. With such head space and passion inside to BE this 'person' and to have this 'profession', I had move swiftly on from a lifestyle that revolved around hoards of amazing little children and dinners consisting of 5 different curries and I had to move towards a one revolving around words, words, words, fillets of salmon and high protein drinks to strengthen my body on a physical level. (Because, on every other level, this step back to Ireland, has strengthened me more than I ever imagined it would)

By returning, I took a leap of faith. And I was so scared of jumping. When I was still in India I never dared thinking of what would come of my life, if I wasn’t teaching and travelling as much as possible – or at least PLANNING such things. I was terrified to think of how drastic my life would change if I were to let my heart take over. Hours I spent by myself in the hostel (where I last was living)... hours and hours and hours… I’d be writing every minute, just to get to the bottom of what I needed to do in life. Then, once I found it, I was writing so as to pluck up the courage and take action in the world and bring what I’d found, to life.

I’ll never forget how big a decision it was; stepping away from travels and coming back home, to give my full focus and attention to writing. Man oh man, how I wanted to go to Nepal, but how I needed to sit and write AS WELL! It took so much, but I did it. I found the strength and courage to overcome the fear of letting go and I let the writer emerge (and I'm still currently in the process). I faced the fear of letting go BY LITERALLY LETTING GO! Just goes to show: we overcome our fears by acting on those fears!

So I let my spirit guide me and I faced the truth of my life: writing was (and is) becoming more of a priority than travel. The strength I found to face this truth and to act, was contained in the writing I was doing; meaning the writing brought me back home. And here I am, on the 21st of April, sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, looking out at the clear black velvet sky - in Arklow of all places – feeling happier than I’ve ever been.

Still I'm walking through Arklow!

Still I’m walking around on Thursday morning, I’m seeing familiar faces and chatting with those who had heard about the book… and also with those who played an important role in helping me get my book to where it now is. People were congratulating me… When I was here last time, everyone knew I was writing it. Because it’s all I talked about… it was the main thing I got myself absorbed in. Also they knew of my past, of my writing and now they know that the next stage is starting to happen. I can’t say how good it feels to be so close to ‘it’ again. To be in the place where it all started; where I lived through the illness, where I wrote about it, and now, where I’m publishing it. It’s so REAL to return and hear from others that it hasn’t stopped happening, but that it’s only continuing to unfold as it should. It’s quite special. I feel as though everyone has been supporting me, even when I was on the other side of the world.

When I was in India, I knew it was happening, yet it felt surreal. There was nobody I could really express my happiness with, when it came to this topic. Or I could, but nobody shared that sense of happiness with me, because they didn’t know my story or how much it meant to me. But now that I’ve followed my book back to Ireland, I can share everything. Yes, this was the right thing for me to do and I’m only hoping that my being here will speed up the process of getting it to the reader… I guess it’s still too early to say.

Anyhow, I’m still walking around the town. Happy as Larry. I stepped into the local coffee shop, where I used to sit for hours drinking tea and coffee and writing my heart out… On Thursday afternoon I was greeted as if I’d only been there the day before. They remembered me… And, as if I’d only been there yesterday, I found the table I’d usually sit at and I set up my stuff and started writing.

Then, something freaky happened. As I was absorbed in journaling and going deep into the publishing process and what it could mean for my future, I was interrupted by a member of staff. He said I’d dropped some money underneath the table. He picked it up, gave it to me: 0,01 cent. I smiled when he said ‘it’s the first of your millions’. But then alarm bells started going off. Because this exact same scenario is one I’ve read about before! I was reading a book about success (nearly a year and a half ago) and it was about how to create the life of your dreams. In that book there was a short story of a lady who was aspiring and working hard to become a writer. She was sitting in a café, journaling about her writing career, and a staff member did the exact same thing! He picked up a cent that was under her seat, telling her it was the first of her millions. And she held onto that cent and went on to write and publish books… This is a true story! As is mine; this happened to me on Thursday afternoon! It was like one of those moments when something happens and you instantly question reality, in a flash… HOLY SMOKE….what????????!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited once I realized why it freaked me out so much! Someone lived this experience before and that someone DID reach her readers! I wonder if the same will happen to me…

Anyhow, I don’t want to blabber too long about that little incident… maybe I’m reading too much into it. But it was definitely an omen in my eyes!

Afterwards, I’m walking back home… high on life… and to a dinner I'd been craving for nearly 6 months: a fillet of salmon!!!!!!!!!!!!! man oh man, I was in heaven!

A face full of happiness

This is where I now stand (or sit): On a stool with a full belly of fried rice, sweat dripping down my back, a jug of warm cumin water beside me and glasses on my nose that are sliding down my face. It’s 20.18pm on the 5th of Feb and I just spent the weekend at a friends house (Riya). This was the second time for me to visit her and her family, during this visit to India. I went in October to say ‘hi’. And now I went to say ‘bye’. It’s one of the last weekends here in India and by going to her place, I managed to spend it in a most traditional Indian manner; once again by being welcomed into a home with 4 generations so as to be given MORE, MORE and even MORE than I needed. Unlike other times, I didn’t feel overwhelmed; I knew what to expect and I also knew it would be the last time… so I appreciated it more. And instead of feeling it all to be too much, I just felt so lucky to be there. I realized, that for no reason whatsoever, these people treat me like one of their own…

When I was leaving, I was asked more than 20 times, when I was coming back to stay for good. I wasn’t being asked IF… no… I was being asked WHEN… and all I could answer was: ‘I don’t know’. And even when giving such uncertainty, they were still sure to tell me that WHEN I come back, I have to bring the WHOLE FAMILY with me… mother, father, sisters… everybody! ‘Bring them all Niamh!’ I love it when they do that, it’s so innocent and sweet, because in reality, there’s no room for the whole family to stay! Just as well I’d never follow it through and never take the offer seriously; they’d be in for quite a shock! This family actually isn’t the only one who has invited ALL OF MY FAMILY… nope, nearly every family I’ve visited in the past 5 months (I can’t tell you how many) has said the same thing. It just shows how big their hearts are; even if their cute homes aren’t…


On the note of Indian hospitality, I wrote an article about it last year, when I was back in Ireland. It got published on an internet travel magazine. When I left Ireland for China I made a copy of it and put it in my portfolio along with some other articles. I traveled with it thinking I might need it along the way. And last week, I opened up the folder and saw this article again about Indian hospitality. When it was getting published, I added some pictures I’d taken in this school in Kayamkulam, back in 2010. One was taken with a teacher who is still at the school now. So I showed it to her last week and her reaction was one I didn’t expect. She said she felt privileged and honored that I chose her picture… when really I felt this particular picture so dear to me, because it reflected an amazing time that I was able to share with people who had never been in touch with India before.

Also, when I was writing this article and choosing the pictures, I never thought I’d ever be sitting with that particular teacher again and showing her the piece of work. But it happened only a few days ago; I sat and reflected on the experience I had in 2010 in regards to hospitality, with a teacher who I then was quite close to, and still am, as a result of the time we spent teaching together. How crazy it is, the way we can come full-circle, without any plan or intention. Suddenly chapters that were left open can feel more complete.

This article shows the people who I have great memories with, that these ‘short’ experiences DO have an everlasting impression on me. People I’ve become close to in India (and China also) have said many times, that I’ll forget them once I leave… and then comes their subtle request for me to come back. I’d always reassure that I’ll never forget the time we spent together. However the question will always remain, if I do or don’t come back. Nothing planned and if the circle is left open, a time will always have to come, for it to become full.

By the way, just to add to the whole ‘hospitality’ thing; I’ve experienced that side of India in a different way than last time… last time it scared the life out of me and I didn’t want to fully appreciate it and I kept a subconscious distance (something I’m only seeing now, as I compare both experiences). This time, I didn’t have much choice but to engage because I was living with Lekha for 2 months – the most caring woman in the country – and because of the people here in the hostel as well as at school, they do more than their best to provide me with more than I need. From October onwards (which is when I moved in with Lekha) I first worked on getting passed the fear of their giving and caring nature, then it became nourishing, homing, still occasionally frustrating with small touches of annoyances – and I mean that in the nicest way possible!

This is a topic I could go on and on about, but I’ll keep that for a later date. Let’s just say that I needed such a homing feeling and such nourishment. And judging by what those around me are saying, it’s done me the world of good. Because all I hear is how the Indian food, the climate and their life style, along with the school environment, have filled my face with colour, with healthy cheeks and with happiness…

Mallapally -- Giving without end

It’s Saturday night and I’m in Allepey. A coastal village in Kerala, that’s famous for the ‘backwaters’ (another name for canals). I arrived this afternoon after spending 3 days in a tiny village called Mallapally, with a former ‘teacher-friend’ Riya.

I find it hard to fathom how intense the days have been, ever since leaving Chennai on Tuesday afternoon. The 16 hour bus journey was a ‘breeze’ by the way, even though it was lashing for a few hours (and because the windows wouldn’t shut properly, we were getting a little… wet and rained-on for a while). Either way, it was nice to be moving away from a busy city. I only realized just how tiring the city pace can be, once I stopped dead in my tracks when I reached Riya’s house on Wednesday morning. Suddenly it was peace and quiet surrounding the cute little lilac house that was standing on top of a hill, with 8 family members inside, making it into a cosy home. There were her parents, grandmother, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, her own husband (they’re only newly wed) and Riya herself.

Even though it wasn’t my first visit, I was overwhelmed by the welcome I received. Really, it was so… MUCH. I never realized the impact my turning-up would have on the whole family. Really, I was quite shocked. They did everything for me. And if I’d have let them, they’d have done more… if I’d have asked them to wipe my backside (sorry for the details), they’d all have jumped at once to help!

I’m inclined to compare this experience with the experiences I’ve had in Jayanthis’ home. But that’s impossible. Just because they both are good friends of mine, and they both live with their families, and they’re both Indian, doesn’t mean to say that the experiences would be in any way shape or form similar to each other. They’re all different people, from different states, speaking different languages, following different religions and beliefs, in different homely set-ups, with different aspirations in life and appreciating different ways of living. However, one similarity there is: Indian hospitality never ceases to amaze me. Wouw… is all I can say…

Both Jayanthis and Riyas family gave me more than I could ever have asked for; a place to rest, a place to refuel, a place to experience India up close and personal (rather than from a distance… which is what happens in the tourist spots)… They both have offered me a long term home to be apart of, they wished for me to live-in with them. This was, and still is, huge to me… But they have no clue, no matter how often I tell them. They see it as nothing… they only want to give me more and will take nothing from me at all… Never can I part with anything, and all I hear when I try to give, is that my presence is worth more than anything else. Whether this is spoken in such words or not, it seems to be the only explanation and the only ‘thing’ I actually DO: just being there is more than enough… It can be a little frustrating at times; never letting ME show THEM my OWN appreciation for the fact that they’ve opened up their homes to me. Instead, it’s the other way around… they show me their appreciation for me being there, by giving to me…!!!! What a crazy world this is!

Either ways, back to Riyas house. I was definitely THERE, in their home, for 3 full days. And the entire family and village knew about it! When I say family, I don’t mean just the sister, brother, father, mother… Nope, I mean the whole entire family tree – that branched out in directions I never knew existed. At one stage I felt like I was trying to solve riddles, when I was being introduced to, for example, the child of the wife of the brother of her sister-in-laws mother (who just so happens to be married to her neighbours’ second cousin). How that would work? I haven’t got a clue… It’s just shows how close-knit AND extended their family is. However, even though it’s so extensive, they’re STILL all living within a 5km radius of the little lilac home, standing on top of a hill with coconut and banana trees all around… It was so funny. Quite tiring too, I must admit. Everyone wanted a piece of me, so I kept on giving and in return they kept on feeding me their Indian dishes.

And, just a brief note on the Indian food: At this point, the richness of the Indian food is quite – powerful and has been the cause of harsh and painful indigestion. I’d also like to vent, while I’m on this topic - that every time I’m in Kerala, it seems to happen that my body odour changes…I start to smell of the same ‘scent’ that I get whiffs of when I’m on an overcrowded bus and the ladies are bearing their armpits, as they hold-on to the railing for dear life… It’s not so much a bad smell, it’s just very distinct and one I’ve only every smelt from the ladies in Kerala (not that I’ve been travelling much elsewhere in India, but in Chennai I’d never smell it…) It seems to be a mix of…coconut (quite yummy), but mixed with spice and something… sour… !!?? It’s very strange… When I started smelling if off me, for the first time in the ashram… I was quite… ALARMED… But I heard from other female travellers that they had the same ‘problem’. That was a little relieving and all the more reason to stock up on some more body spray and perfumed powder (an Indian way to ‘naturally’ conceal odours that don’t make us smile!). I guess it’s only normal for India to be SEEPING THROUGH MY VERY POURS… at this stage of my travels. Hummm… Not too sure what to make of that! Anyhow, I’ll be taking to western food for a few days I reckon… only for breakfast and lunch though… cause for dinner I’ll still prefer Indian to western. On that note, I’d also like to add how much of a difference I felt, when one day last week I had some western takeaway; Italian to be precise… And I couldn’t believe how little I enjoyed it and how unwholesome it felt. So, still with the indigestion and the scent, I’ll give a thumbs-up to Indian dishes.

Okay, getting a little side-tracked… Back to what I was saying about the family… It was all very overwhelming in many ways… their ‘giving’ knows no limits… And when I was forced to say ‘no’– by feeling my own limits - it was like I was rejecting their hospitality, their home, their care. So I had to speak with them about it. Or, at least I sat down with Riya and her mom, and Riya translated what I was trying to say: just because I couldn’t take absolutely everything everybody was offering me, it didn’t mean to say I wasn’t appreciating everything they were doing and giving me. They understood my concern, and still her mom smiled that big white smile, and offered for me to stay as long as I wanted whilst holding a plate of fried rice balls stuffed with sweet fruits and coconut…

What did I do? I returned a smile and stuck my ground… saying that they’ve done too much already and that I needed to keep ‘moving things along’. It would have been too easy for me to have stayed there, being looked after like that… One day could’ve easily slipped into the other and another – without nothing really happening. So I got this urge on day 2 (Thursday) to get the next step into action… the teaching! I needed to speed things along…

Feb 22nd: Reaching Jinzhou - 28 hours later

When I arrived in Jinzhou, my first impressions were (contrary to what I’ve been told about this very “small” Chinese city that holds 800.000 people): pretty and impressive with new buildings, new apartment blocks and new bridges (with frozen 'streaming' water – something I’ve never seen before in my life). The city is quiet (by Asian standards), it's clean (again, by Asian standards), it's smells fresh (... Asian standards..) and it’s really like a spread-out mini Chinatown! The thing I loved the most was the bright neon lights in Chinese script and not a word written in English! Finally, finally, finally I thought: I’m in ASIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way, when I went to the toilet and I had the choice of a western or non-western (hole in the ground) toilet, it totally hit home where I was… and what did I choose?? NON-WESTERN!!!!

I got to the apartment at around 7pm (this was still on Tuesday). Feeling like my head was in space and my brain was fried and frazzled, I opened the door to my new home and the first greeting was from a gorgeous dog (not too sure of the exact breed… could be a type of sheepdog) by the name of Cooper. Then I met my flat-mate, an American guy Matt, who is also Coopers’ ‘Dad’. I instantly had a home-life to fall into that would happen in the huge, clean and spacious apartment, with my own room (king-size bed and door wardrobe!) and private bathroom... How brilliant…

Before getting too settled into my new home though, I was taken by Apple and Lydia to the most high-class restaurant in the city. Well… this place was amazing! We ate in a PRIVATE SUITE, with massive double-doors and in the background there was a classical pianist playing live music… My first Chinese meal… I couldn’t believe it. I was told to sit at the top of the table. Then in walked around 3 or 4 waitresses, all holding a different dish, they placed them on a moving-platter in the centre of the table, so we could pick and choose whatever we wanted… I was so glad at this stage to have had some use of chopsticks in the past… So I didn’t feel like too much of an amateur! The 2 girls were so intrigued and interested. They were speaking Chinese between themselves, almost constantly, and I can only imagine how they were observing and evaluating my ‘eating techniques’ and my reactions to their food - which were all good… (Except for the pork and the grizzly bony chicken pieces) This was my welcome dinner from the company and, even in my frazzled state, I managed to savour it.

I got back an hour later and some of the other English teachers came by our ‘pad’ to welcome me. I met British Mike, American Lauren and British John (he isn’t actually a teacher for our company (which is called English First), but teaches at the city university). I felt so relaxed, straight away. Within 15 minutes of chatting with them, I knew this was the perfect place for me right now. This made me feel so relieved, and with this sense of relief came a buzz of excitement for what this lifestyle will offer me. Then, the jetlag subsided and all I wanted was to get more and more familiar with this Chinese life. I wanted to get ‘out there’!!!! Hearing of how things work here, I know that this convenience and ease on the job - that I didn’t experience in India but WILL be experiencing here - will free up so much of my time and give me all the energy to focus fully on this Chinese experience AS WELL as what I focusing on at home. It’s amazing. Also the group I’ve fallen into… are sooooo likeminded (it’s almost freaky). Lauren is a writer, Mike is a therapist back in England (just taking a few years out of London to experience a different life), Matt and Mike both play the guitar and sing (not that I do, but being surrounded by that type of music will definitely suite me!) And they are all into art and learning to speak Chinese!

Within an hour, I got so many snippets of the amazement that awaits and I desperately wanted it to start. But I had to take my time… I first needed sleep and to get some of my energy back… And because I was feeling so excited, yet calm with discovering this is the right environment for me, I was able to sleep amazingly… What a ‘day’ this was.. and it lasted for I don’t know how many hours ;)