Last night (Thursday the 7th) something came over me. I was just finished work. It was 06.30pm. I was feeling strangely calm, wasn’t tired at all… and didn’t really want to head home. So I strolled around town, eating dinner at the stalls, by myself, totally happy just to ponder. Then I came across this tiny little ice-cream parlour, pretty close to home. There were 3 tables. It was empty. I sat and I wondered… Humm… What to do? It was 7pm by that stage and still I didn’t want to head home. So, I took out my laptop and thought to just look over some the editing…
Time stood still… and before I knew what was happening I was nearly done with the whole book!!! It was suddenly 09.30pm. It was dark and still humid outside. I was the only person sitting in the ice-cream parlour, drinking hot milk and reading through my manuscript. It was absolutely brilliant. I couldn’t believe how easy I was finding that stage of the editing process. I was at a stage in the book that had always been the most painful and difficult part. Usually I’d be feeling the pain again. But last night, I wasn’t. I wasn’t emotionally affected at all! It was going so well… I had to stop though, as they were shutting up shop. I went home and by the time I got to bed, it was 11pm. I lay there, and knew for a fact that by 1pm the following day I’d have the whole book done. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it…
And sure enough, I woke up at 4.30am. I couldn’t sleep any longer. So I got up at 5.30am… I had to get out of the house. I knew I was going to finish the book, but I didn’t want to do it in the apartment. I wanted to be surrounded by a flow of people. I wanted to be sitting in coffee shop, where I’d purposely take a spot and finish reading the last part of the script. That’s exactly what I set out to do.
And what a morning I’ve had! I was so full of energy… I almost sprinted to the food-court where I wanted to sit… And it happened! 2 hours is all it took to review the last pieces of the book… It flowed, it was easy to read and I hardly adjusted anything! I felt so at ease, and again, no major emotions were experienced and I felt… so calm. This feeling told me that I didn’t need to change anything anymore. I knew that the version of my book, as it stands right now… IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes yes yes…
There was nothing in the book that raised doubt in my mind, whether it was belonging to the story or not. I knew the story had come full circle or I, as a writer, had come full circle… The past months of editing were suddenly over, as I sat in the foodcourt of the local shopping mall…surrounded by only Chinese people, who were way too interested in what I was doing, as I was absorbed in the story that is now ready for worldly observation! Yes yes yes… The sense of calm I had, told me that I’m now confident that this is truly the story as it’s meant to be. What others will make of it, be it close family, friends or distant agents or publishers, I can’t be sure of. And that’s fine. Because what I AM sure of, is that this version of manuscript number 1, is what I want it to be.
I was ecstatic and so excited. I felt nervous even… I wanted to run and jump and tell the whole world!!!! But, I couldn’t… So, I headed to work. I was due to start at 1pm. In I walked… I popped onto my laptop to make the last backups of the book… and with all the colleagues around me, I first didn’t want to say anything… But I couldn’t contain myself… So I started: “guys, I’ve got big news…” And that’s when I started jumping around the office, telling them I’d finished my book and that it’s how I want it to be and how it will be recognized in the world – whether others like it or loathe it… It doesn’t matter, because I love it… I know for a fact it will find a spot somewhere on a bookshelf. It simply has to… if I believe in it so strongly….
With so much excitement, everyone was delighted for me… Really, I couldn’t have gotten a better response… And the next question was: “What happens from here Niamh?”… well, at the moment I’m still waiting for the agent in Ireland to get back to me about the first 70 pages, which he’s currently reviewing. In the meantime, I’ll probably continue going through the list of agencies (that I’d already started getting through, when I was still in Ireland). As well the concept for what writing to next focus on, will grow… Now that I’ve nothing more to add to this book, I’ve got space in my mind to look forward towards the next book… Wow… it’s so exciting. So the process will keep on going and I will keep on writing and believing that this first book is already making it’s way to where it’s needed… patience is a must as well… haha….
So, all in all, a massive day on my part… And now I’m in work, trying to plan lessons for my classes… what a contrast! Anyhow, it’s brilliant, and I’m delighted to finally be able to write this post… Months of hard work will pay-off… they are actually already paying-off… if how I felt today was anything to go by!!!! Yay………
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
New life...
Big news from back home!!! A baby has been born!! Yay yay yay… my sister Orla just gave birth 2 days ago, to a precious little girl… The healthy new little edition to the family is now known as Ynera. What a special name!!! She’s their second child, to accompany my 3 year old niece Enya. I thought I would have been homesick, but it’s kind of hard to be sad, when something so brilliant is happening in their lives. And the big family gatherings that will be coming up, when my oldest sister Emma also gives birth in August and when christenings are planned - all of which I won’t apart - doesn’t make me feel too separated or distant… This is a sign that I’m happy where I am… I probably feel closer to them… because there’s one extra person to strengthen our family! I wonder when I’ll get to meet the little princess…
So... not being homesick and feeling so happy, means I’m on top of life right now… Everything is working out brilliantly and, after last weeks little hick-up, I feel so much better and more relaxed with everything I’m doing… Work is going great, classes are going just as good and will only get better over the upcoming period… because the more relaxed I am, the easier I am on the kids and the happier I am to see them happy in my classes… This also gives me more energy to put into writing. And now that I’ve truly felt how important writing is for me, I've also discovered my real source of happiness and my source of strength, so I can be on top of life... This is already a reason for me to feel happier with every single person who is apart of my Jinzhou story, every single one of my colleagues included... It’s unreal. I guess I’ve 'simply' found the importance of, first-off, to depend on our own selves for happiness, before even considering to depend on our surrounding environment (people included) to give us that happiness. The surroundings as well as the people are here to ADD to the experiences, but not to actually MAKE them. We, ourselves, are the 'makers'.
I was talking the other day and I couldn’t help but say that I feel to have come home…
How exciting is this life...
So... not being homesick and feeling so happy, means I’m on top of life right now… Everything is working out brilliantly and, after last weeks little hick-up, I feel so much better and more relaxed with everything I’m doing… Work is going great, classes are going just as good and will only get better over the upcoming period… because the more relaxed I am, the easier I am on the kids and the happier I am to see them happy in my classes… This also gives me more energy to put into writing. And now that I’ve truly felt how important writing is for me, I've also discovered my real source of happiness and my source of strength, so I can be on top of life... This is already a reason for me to feel happier with every single person who is apart of my Jinzhou story, every single one of my colleagues included... It’s unreal. I guess I’ve 'simply' found the importance of, first-off, to depend on our own selves for happiness, before even considering to depend on our surrounding environment (people included) to give us that happiness. The surroundings as well as the people are here to ADD to the experiences, but not to actually MAKE them. We, ourselves, are the 'makers'.
I was talking the other day and I couldn’t help but say that I feel to have come home…
How exciting is this life...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Big Break
5 days ago I posted a blog that was somewhat extreme and deep. I didn’t realize at the time just how far I was going. All I knew was: I had to express those feelings, as I was about to explode with frustration. I never meant for that blog to be so full of judgement, anger and lack of appreciation for what I’m currently doing and for the people I’m surrounded by. It was never my intention to bring down the group I work with… nor did I want to speak badly of others or hurt anybody… But in that moment I couldn’t help but see myself so separate from everybody. And separation never brings positive feelings to the surface. I’ve been going through a big change and in my last entry it was as if I had to push against the group even more and break myself free so as to find a missing part of me… I’ll explain…
I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!
It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.
The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.
I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…
On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…
What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.
To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…
I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…
I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!
It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.
The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.
I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…
On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…
What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.
To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…
I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…
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