Losing the plot

The hardest day so far, at the local high school: on Thursday the 31st. 4 teaching hours…

For the duration of 4 classes I was standing ‘on stage’ in front of 60students x 4 classes = 240 students… Every class was looking the same at the next… All the girls with their straight black hair and fringe, all the boys with short black hair… with the same style of glasses and everyone in a white tracksuit… hard to spot the difference!

Anyhow… on Thursdays there’s 240 students x 2 eyes = 480 individual eyes staring at me, observing me, just looking and not taking in a word I was saying or engaging in my class… They were just staring blankly in a ‘zombified’ state. No matter how much energy I was bringing into the classroom, no matter how much effort I put into planning a fun lesson for them and no matter how loudly I projected my voice, it was a struggle to keep them awake, let-alone entertained, amused and engaged in the lesson… This is describing a scene that happens every week at the high school by the way.

I’ve only been teaching there for 4 weeks so far. Up until yesterday, I’ve been able to deal with it. These classes only happen on Wednesday and Thursdays and the majority of classes I give go really well. I can get so much good response. Usually the positive response counts for SO MUCH MORE than the 1 or 2 classes that MAY NOT go too well. Each week, so far, the majority of students have been happy to follow my lessons; so I know I’ve made more of a positive influence to their 10-hour-days at school. Usually I brush-off the disrespect some of the students show me and I don’t take it personal.

But, when life outside of the high school is suddenly getting a little bit too much, that feeling of ‘not being on top of life’ is brought into the high school, into the classroom and into my lesson… When this happens, the disrespect and ill-appreciation of maybe only 40 teenage students (out of the approximate 400 students I see each week) who choose to sleep in my class or mock me in Chinese or blatantly refuse to do anything I ASK them to do, suddenly has a bigger impact on me than the positive feedback I receive from the other 200 students…

This is something I realized after last Thursday. I did my classes in a zoned-out manner. I was feeling emotional and tired because outside of work so much felt to be happening (with writing, the book, the agencies, the living arrangements, studying Chinese…). I tried to let the whole messed-up school environment bounce-off me… but I couldn’t help feeling so bad for these kids who just didn’t give a s*** about anything.

It was frustrating to see how their own class-teacher was there in the room and didn’t give a **** either, about their behaviour and disrespect. The funny thing was, as I walked out of the building, feeling so emotional and in need of big hug…from ANYBODY… I could actually understand why these students would play-up in class. These kids have been shown no other manner in which to use their energies… They have no clue where true excitement can come from… And have only been ‘taught’ that excitement and fun is experienced by pushing the teachers’ buttons (whether it’s the guest-teachers buttons (which is who I technically am, when teaching in the high school) or whether it’s their own class-teacher). What a sad realization.

So, the fact that I wasn’t ‘on top of life’ meant I absorbed the **** that actually is behind the high school environment. It didn’t bounce off me and the 480 individual eyes really affected me. I got back to the office at 17.30 and I couldn’t speak to anybody. The girls in the office were just chatting, being friendly… But I could look NOBODY in the eye without needing to breakdown.

So then, I went to the bathroom, not only once but TWICE and cried my eyes out. Man oh man… I couldn’t even say why exactly I was crying. I couldn’t pinpoint one particular thing that happened, to upset me so much. My classes had probably gone just as good as every other week. But it was intense, intense, intense…

I was still zoned-out and still in need of a hug… I had to approach one particular person. I didn’t care in that moment that I emotional and messed-up… I figured: I’m surrounded by friends… and these are the only people who can offer me support right now. I chose to ‘cross a line’ and admit that I’m only human and in need of a shoulder. So I turned to Matt… I got a hug and I didn’t need to speak… Instantly I felt soooo much better. I then sat for an hour at my desk, writing, writing, writing… that was my ‘speaking’.

I realized then, that teachers here have proven to know me so well. Why? Because they all knew NOT to disturb me; they saw me writing. They knew I was in a zone and that it was best just leave me be. They knew I’d come out of it once I was ‘on top of life’ again… and that’s what happened…

By 7pm I was back in ‘the game of life’ and delighted to be asked to dinner, with a group of teachers. We went to a homely Korean kitchen, drank cups of date tea and ate lots of vegetables and spices… the perfect ending to a ‘perfect’ day…