Refreshing talk

The viewing of Mike C’s apartment brought me to spend some time with him too. This hasn’t actually happened once, since arriving in Jinzhou. Meaning I never got a chance to talk properly with him, without any distractions from others or without the conversation revolving around teaching and school…

I don’t know if you remember correctly, but Mike C (the teacher from England who’s leaving on the 24th of April and whose apartment I’m taking over) is an eating disorder practitioner back at home. I touched this subject briefly here on my blog, a few posts ago. I remember to have written about how freaky I found it, for him to be only the 2nd person in the world who I’m in close contact with who’s a therapist of this kind. I found out this piece of information on my first night here in Jinzhou. But never did anything with it…

Not until Saturday morning, when I went to check-out his apartment. We sat and chatted about just stuff… and soon the conversation was about writing, about my book, about how he’d always wanted to write too. Before I knew what was happening, I was telling him ‘my story’… my history of the disorder and how it’s the main contents of the book.

Well, anybody who has worked for 7 years with women recovering from any type of eating disorder would instantly know that I too have had my fair share of encounters with the demons of a disorder. It was so funny really, the way I said it to him… It wasn’t even a big revelation. It just rolled off my tongue and all I could see on his face was a warm smile that told me: I know. A smile of recognition and not of shock or of unease or discomfort; just of relief maybe to hear me say it so easily.

We sat and chatted about it for as long as time would allow… It seemed as though time stopped when we were talking. He was interested in how I was treated – because that’s the perspective from which he’s coming. I wanted to know how it was for a man to be so intensely involved in a messed-up and depressed female world that was solely revolving around food. It was so interesting.

At the same time it was like we were having a therapy session… I was telling him of how I’m dealing with it at the moment, how working on the book is a priority and how it keeps me aware. I told him how the move to his apartment was apart of me creating my own space AND my 2nd draft AND that it’s about becoming more responsible and independent… In many ways, this stage I’m at right now is letting me put a different light on the disorder again.

I realized this weeks ago actually: travelling to different countries, from my own personal perspective, is like this: dealing with the current position the disorder takes within my life. Mike C knew that to move to another country, old issues and habits can try to present themselves and take control. And he’s right. He sees how I’m underweight and sees how I eat. He senses the importance I give to healthy food, when most people, if they were underweight, wouldn’t even think twice about what’s healthy and what’s not. He sees my indecisiveness when it comes to what I want to eat and how I’m hooked on certain foods. He sees my frustration when I can’t read the menu and when I haven’t got a clue what meals are being presented to me… And he understands why it’s all happening…

Man, it’s so refreshing to have somebody see it so clearly… and for it to NOT be a female for once… Very different… I felt to be talking so clearly to him about the position the past disorder ‘EXACTLY’ is holding right now and I loved talking about it. Time was ticking, throughout the conversation, even though it felt to have stopped… We had to get to work by 1pm…

In the taxi afterwards, I thanked him for the ‘session’ and jokingly wanted to ask how much I owed him…haha… He said that during the talk he started to miss his old job… How nice that I wasn’t burdening him with my talking! He even gave me some professional advice, regarding my weight… “Niamh, it could be a wise move to have a set-weight for yourself, to NOT GO UNDER… just as a way of protecting yourself from slipping, without realizing…” Because that’s the thing, you can slip, ever so slowly, without realizing it… Especially when being in a hectic job, living a full life and always being active, full of beans and simply the joys of being alive… and when these joys are only being increased by the fact that you’re in Asia, you’re teaching, you’re writing, you’re creating and you’re independent and having great contacts with the people around you…. other issues can always brew away deep down and weight can slip, if precaution isn’t practised.

Initially I said no to his suggestion. But… I know how powerful the mind can be and I know how easily the mind will fool me and tell me my weight isn’t too low… and when the fooling starts, even if it’s regarding 3% of the habits / lifestyle I live by, it can easily become 4%, 10%, 15%… and so on… I know I’ll never let it slip. I’ve come too far. But, to be realistic and to see that a set minimum weight is keeping my situation real and keeping me physically strong and grounded in my experience, then… who am I to say no? Once a month is all I’m permitting myself to stand on the scales (this in order to prevent it from becoming a negative compulsio)…

Such genuine and real advice he gave me… Mr Mike C… Who has said to always be there if I need to talk! But who is also leaving on the 24th of April… Okay, him leaving is making room for me in his apartment. But besides this fact, he’s going to leave a gap in the group and be sorely missed. Not only because of this conversation… but because he’s such a genuinely honest guy, who keeps the group of foreigners in the reality of China… Something I’m often in need of touching base with…

I know I have the tendency to float and dream my way through these experiences… Not necessarily a bad thing, but there’s a happy balance in between. And I hope to find in, once I move into my own space… for the first time ever!!!