Saved by the bell - 2

So… what happened? During the last class, I simply stopped teaching! Their class teacher left the room. He obviously knew that this class wasn’t going to be a success and wasn’t willing to face the consequences… and left. Cheeky ******! Was it my responsibility? No. Us foreign teachers, we teach there as GUEST TEACHERS! We go there, 2 times a week. We don’t grade them, we don’t have any responsibility, we don’t have a syllabus or a textbook. And they see these lessons we do with them, as their time to sleep. And here’s me, projecting my voice, using my energy, bringing something fun into their day – or at least trying… and it’s literally all in aid of **** all!

So, yes, during the last class, I stood in front of 60 students. They weren’t being badly behaved… they were just NOT behaving at all!!!! I had no more energy to put into that class. If they didn’t want to have fun, that’s their loss. I had no more reason to be sarcastic or backhanded, I was done! No anger, no frustration, just… nothing… exactly what they were giving me, I was giving it back to them. So I stood, I looked them all in the eye. And felt nothing, but sadness really, for their situation. I never imagined the classes in high school to give me so little in return for all the effort I was putting in… and never before thought I’d ever be able to stand in front of 60 students without speaking a word, without doing nothing and be slowly becoming so unaffected…

In that last class, I became detached from them… I realized I’d been putting too much pressure on myself, to keep them interested week after week. The fact that I don’t have any responsibility whatsoever, when teaching there, means that I don’t HAVE to put so much pressure on myself. But it’s what I do… I want to always do the best I can. This is what I’ve been doing for 6 weeks solid now, and they don’t want to sit and listen to anybody anymore.

Yesterday I walked out of class, without saying a word. Usually I’d thank them, I’d be happy to say: “see you next week”. But… No… Something happened to me, during that last class and I can honestly say that I’m not looking forward to seeing them next week. So I said nothing. And what am I going to do next week? I’m going to play movies… That’s it… The class teacher even said this to me, afterwards… “Niamh…best you play some movies…they don’t want to participate”. So… the pressure is off and this is why I said that I was somewhat relieved. I’ve reached a stage where they’re closed-off to what I have to give and that’s their loss. It would have happened in the same way, with any other foreign teacher, because the weird thing is… it’s nothing personal…

Walking out of there yesterday was the strangest feeling. I was singing this Dutch song: ‘whohowhoooo… it’s over… the love between you and me’ (these are the lyrics when they’re translated.. haha). I sang this same line, over and over and I was walking through the hoards of teenagers who were streaming through the gates, to get their dinner… I walked and I sang as loud as I could and I looked no one in the eye… I cursed I said I was ****ing never gonna to teach these classes again! I had so much energy and I needed to get rid of it… So, I stood on the side of the road, jumping up and down… deep breathing, stretching… still singing while we were waiting for a taxi. I had to get rid of the energy that was building up inside… Man… it was the craziest day so far… But one I needed to go through…

Last night, I was on my last legs… And today I’m good again… I’m happy for what I’ve learnt and to have relieved myself of the pressure I was putting myself under… I know why I was putting the pressure on: I wanted to make a difference to these students’ lives… But how silly is that! I’m only there 2 days a week!!! What do I think I am… Wonderwoman??? To actually make some sort of a difference, I’d have to be there… full-time and for an extended period of time…

Today, I see clearly and I realize… that just because I can’t make a difference, doesn’t mean I’m a bad teacher… Because if I’d get the chance, I would! Yesterdays classes told me I have to accept that my position in the high school gives me nothing to be responsible for and therefore I can’t work towards achieving anything with these teenagers… The classes I have on Wednesday are different. I’ll still put effort into those lessons because I get so much in return… but Thursdays’ classes are when it’s time for the students, the class teacher AND for the GUEST TEACHER (which is me!) to watch movies… I shouldn’t really complain!!!