Over the past weeks, more and more I was getting urges to explore China. Now that I’m freeing-up more of my time to relax and engage more in this PRESENT experience (rather than being so far into the book-world that I’d become blind to the actual world I’m living in), I’ve been becoming increasingly eager to branch out.
Jinzhou was losing its brightness… and I was missing fresh air, the sea, the mountains, the greenery… I was seeing this city as being one compressed file of buildings, buildings and more buildings. So, Saturday night after work, I knew I had to get out of this place, even just for a few hours… Every bit of me was in need of it… my lungs didn’t want anymore pollution, my head didn’t want to feel the pressure of city life, my eyes didn’t want to see these grey buildings anymore, my ears didn’t want to hear the traffic… My overall appreciation for Jinzhou needed to be rekindled and the travel juices needed to be set flowing once again.
But before I could do this, there was something I needed to overcome. I had this little obstacle that had been stopping me from exploring, ever since arriving in Jinzhou: the language! This barrier meant I wasn’t able to read timetables, tickets, directions, destinations… I hadn’t a clue as to how the whole system of public transportation worked. I’d only been out of Jinzhou ONCE in the past 5 months!!!!! And that was with Lauren, who took it upon herself to sort our tickets and the directions. She also had enough Chinese to get us there without any problems. But, now I wanted to branch out ALONE… How would this work, if there was no English ANYWHERE and ALL I WAS SEEING WAS CHINESE CHARACTERS? How would this work, if I wasn’t able to ask ANYBODY what ticket I wanted, what bus I needed, what stop I had to get off at… if NOBODY SPEAKS ANYTHING MORE THAN ‘HELLO’. I can’t really give out, because I’m no better! My Chinese doesn’t go beyond: “Hello”, “Goodbye”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “I don’t understand”, “I don’t know”, “it doesn’t matter”, “right”, “straight ahead”, “stop here”, “where”... oh and… “green tea!”… (okay, I probably do know a little bit more than this, but still not enough to understand what they’re saying to me).
So, how would this work? I had to accept help where it was being given. So I got Elaine from work to tell me where the nearest seaside was. She also sussed out my trains times online (something I couldn’t do either, as it’s all in Chinese characters). She had to write the directions as well as the questions I needed, which were only 2: “Can I have one ticket to Xing Cheng” and “Can I have one ticket to Jinzhou”… (Xing Cheng is the place I decided to explore). Everything else was just guess work… And I knew I had her on the end of the phone if I really got stuck and lost in translation.
Was I confident to do this alone? I had to be. There was no choice in the matter… Not when my sanity was at stake ;) So, off I went on Monday morning… and wouw… I was amazed at how easy it was!! I felt deaf and dumb at the ticket counter, as I gave her the note with my questions written down on it! And I was just agreeing to everything they were saying, as I didn’t know what else to say… BUT that didn’t matter. Because I managed to get myself on the right train and the right bus! And only 2 hours after leaving Jinzhou I was at the beach!!! Yay yay yay… I couldn’t believe it. It was the best day I’ve had in so long. I wasn’t lost in translation at all! And I just had to constantly remind myself of how funny this whole situation really was… because I honestly don’t think that I’ll ever find myself to be in a place where I feel so NOT UNDERSTOOD…
What a liberating feeling: the language didn’t get the better of me. China had opened up its doors and suddenly I was seeing everything so fresh and new. Xing Cheng is a small tourist resort only an hour from Jinzhou… The city itself would, to most, seem to be pretty similar to Jinzhou, but to me it felt so different. Man, I suddenly loved China so much and everything that had become normal in Jinzhou, seemed so surreal, inspiring and cool in Xing Cheng. The donkeys, the carts, the stalls, the colours, the characters, the Asian feel… I was so inspired and it got my travel juices as well as my writing juices flowing! Yes… life was amazing…
I hung out at the beachside all day… writing, walking, looking, taking pictures, reading and having a ball, all by myself! I didn’t feel saddened that it was suddenly time to make my way back to the bus, the train and ultimately to Jinzhou, because I knew I could come back! I knew what it was I needed in this current situation, so as to always be on top of the game! There were no more barriers. And from now on I can explore every weekend if I want! All I have to do is accept some help from those who know this country and I don’t have to feel like a failure for doing so. I can’t wait for my next day trip, to whatever place it may be… all I hope is that it will again be by the sea!!!! Yay… I was totally refuelled by the end of the day… so to round it off and bring all that energy into my current contacts, I went to the club with the guys from work and had the best night ever…without getting ‘high’ on alcohol, but instead just being ‘high’ on life and becoming temporarily the ruler of the dance floor!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
A moment reflecting: Coffee-stopping
Listen to what happened on my weekend (Monday)… I set out walking the streets of Jinzhou, in search of something after waking-up and feeling I could just sit down and start the next book. I already had an idea as to what it would be about… So I figured, why wouldn’t I be able to go to a coffee shop, set-up my ‘office’ (not staying at home was for the reason that I felt a flow of people around me would give me good buzz of excitement) and just start from something fresh and new… So… sitting in coffeeshop number 1… Humm… nothing was happening… I was just journaling… So, I figured, it was the wrong setting. So I moved to the food court on the otherside of town… I sat, I waited… nope… there wasn’t even any journaling… I didn’t even switch-on my laptop! I wasn’t even holding a pen! What happened then? I got frustrated of course! I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to simply write this book… By this stage I was too much inside my own head… So I forced myself to end the ‘coffee stopping’ and I started to make my way home…before going to just one more coffee shop; it was only number 3… I sat and didn’t even give a thought to what I should be writing about. At that point I figured I’d already gone too far and it only led me to feel clogged and stuck. I was forcing something into being that obviously wasn’t ready to come to life just yet.
All this coffee-stopping, was such an interesting thing to do (and not because of the coffees…I wasn’t actually drinking cappuccinos or lattes but tea and milky drinks instead … caffeine and I don’t work well together!). That evening I felt like such a loser: if I claim to be a writer then why can’t I just sit and start another book? I couldn’t figure it out… I felt like it had been weeks since I’d finished my first book and I was lagging behind. But then, I realized: it had actually only been 3 full days since I’d been running around the office shouting full of joy that I’d finished my first book… since that morning, I’d been teaching and lesson planning for 3 solid days (up until Sunday evening and had worked a 20 hour weekend and I actually expected to be able to wake-up after such days and instantly start the next book… Man oh man… I had to remind myself I’m only human…
So… what’s happened since then? I’ve accepted that right now, I’m in the middle of 2 books. I’m finding a home for book 1 (as I’m contacting agencies again and only got word back from the one Dublin…he’s reviewing the book and will reply in August... so that’s good news!) and book 2 is brewing away inside. I’ve a few ideas floating around but nothing enough yet for the writing to actually start.
Writing one book doesn’t automatically mean that writing another will take the same amount of time… it won’t come about in the same manner either… Because, back then I was in Ireland and now I’m in China. Back then I wasn’t working and now I’m teaching. Back then the writing was allowed to take over my life. But now… that can’t be the way… because I’ve a life alongside the writing, and it takes up more of my time and focus. So, it will be different this time round. But one fact of the matter remains the same: before a book can actually be written and take on a life of its’ own… the idea needs to grow bigger and bigger until I can do nothing else, other than sit down and actually put it into words… hummm…
All this coffee-stopping, was such an interesting thing to do (and not because of the coffees…I wasn’t actually drinking cappuccinos or lattes but tea and milky drinks instead … caffeine and I don’t work well together!). That evening I felt like such a loser: if I claim to be a writer then why can’t I just sit and start another book? I couldn’t figure it out… I felt like it had been weeks since I’d finished my first book and I was lagging behind. But then, I realized: it had actually only been 3 full days since I’d been running around the office shouting full of joy that I’d finished my first book… since that morning, I’d been teaching and lesson planning for 3 solid days (up until Sunday evening and had worked a 20 hour weekend and I actually expected to be able to wake-up after such days and instantly start the next book… Man oh man… I had to remind myself I’m only human…
So… what’s happened since then? I’ve accepted that right now, I’m in the middle of 2 books. I’m finding a home for book 1 (as I’m contacting agencies again and only got word back from the one Dublin…he’s reviewing the book and will reply in August... so that’s good news!) and book 2 is brewing away inside. I’ve a few ideas floating around but nothing enough yet for the writing to actually start.
Writing one book doesn’t automatically mean that writing another will take the same amount of time… it won’t come about in the same manner either… Because, back then I was in Ireland and now I’m in China. Back then I wasn’t working and now I’m teaching. Back then the writing was allowed to take over my life. But now… that can’t be the way… because I’ve a life alongside the writing, and it takes up more of my time and focus. So, it will be different this time round. But one fact of the matter remains the same: before a book can actually be written and take on a life of its’ own… the idea needs to grow bigger and bigger until I can do nothing else, other than sit down and actually put it into words… hummm…
A moment reflecting
The process of writing a book. Well… what can I say? At this stage I can safely say… that it’s something I’ve done before… and am willing to do again. So much so… But it takes some reflecting on how the first book came to be a book, before I can actually accept that the second book can’t simply be created over night…
It’s almost a year ago since I left India and headed to Rome before slowly but reluctantly making my way to Ireland, where I actually only wanted to stay for a few weeks. However, things planned out differently… I left India with this URGENCY almost to write my first book about anorexia. I had to do it… I didn’t know where it would happen or how… I didn’t know the process that was involved and so it was hard to determine how long it would take. I knew I wanted to write but didn’t want it to interfere with my travels.
Anyhow… to keep this ‘short’… I set out in search for a place to write and in August I landed myself in Ireland thinking I could write the book within a month. I wanted to be on the road by… well… asap! But it didn’t plan out like that at all. I actually see now that, from the middle of August up until the middle of October, I spent diving into that part of me again and reliving my first blog (nfightinga.blogspot.com). As well I had to get into the proper flow of continuous writing… as everyday I would sit and journal about absolutely everything and anything. It wasn’t until the middle of October came and I’d found a place to write, I’d found the words I wanted to write and the flow was almost unstoppable. For 2 solid months I sat at the desk in my little brothers Seans room, every morning from 08.30am till around 3pm… tapping on the keyboard. And the story unfolded.
By Christmas my book was complete. I then had 2 months of contacting agencies… I let the actual story sit for a while… and distanced myself but still put out the word in Ireland (and often further afield) as much as possible, that this book was in search of a home. I wanted to establish myself as being ‘some sort of a writer’ before leaving to travel again. And 2 months later (February), I set off… to China… Again, 2 months I let the book sit tight. I needed to feel settled in my flying excitement as this part of the world was bringing up many different sides of me. Without having grounded myself, I couldn’t even consider going into that part of my past once again, even though I knew that it needed my attention. By the end of April… it happened… by finding this apartment, a new environment was created so the editing could begin… and 2 months later, after reliving my past all over again, in between staying focused on the job here at hand, I did it… The book is now complete…
So… that just about sums up HOW a book can be written… even BEFORE the publishing starts… Why am I going over this process? Because, to see so clearly how the story FIRST needs to grow in it’s concept and how I need to feel I’m totally in the RIGHT PLACE for the actual words to be fit for a book, gives me acceptance of the fact that, in my current situation, it’s impossible for me to wake-up from one day to the next and say I ACTUALLY WILL START WRITING ANOTHER BOOK TODAY!
It’s almost a year ago since I left India and headed to Rome before slowly but reluctantly making my way to Ireland, where I actually only wanted to stay for a few weeks. However, things planned out differently… I left India with this URGENCY almost to write my first book about anorexia. I had to do it… I didn’t know where it would happen or how… I didn’t know the process that was involved and so it was hard to determine how long it would take. I knew I wanted to write but didn’t want it to interfere with my travels.
Anyhow… to keep this ‘short’… I set out in search for a place to write and in August I landed myself in Ireland thinking I could write the book within a month. I wanted to be on the road by… well… asap! But it didn’t plan out like that at all. I actually see now that, from the middle of August up until the middle of October, I spent diving into that part of me again and reliving my first blog (nfightinga.blogspot.com). As well I had to get into the proper flow of continuous writing… as everyday I would sit and journal about absolutely everything and anything. It wasn’t until the middle of October came and I’d found a place to write, I’d found the words I wanted to write and the flow was almost unstoppable. For 2 solid months I sat at the desk in my little brothers Seans room, every morning from 08.30am till around 3pm… tapping on the keyboard. And the story unfolded.
By Christmas my book was complete. I then had 2 months of contacting agencies… I let the actual story sit for a while… and distanced myself but still put out the word in Ireland (and often further afield) as much as possible, that this book was in search of a home. I wanted to establish myself as being ‘some sort of a writer’ before leaving to travel again. And 2 months later (February), I set off… to China… Again, 2 months I let the book sit tight. I needed to feel settled in my flying excitement as this part of the world was bringing up many different sides of me. Without having grounded myself, I couldn’t even consider going into that part of my past once again, even though I knew that it needed my attention. By the end of April… it happened… by finding this apartment, a new environment was created so the editing could begin… and 2 months later, after reliving my past all over again, in between staying focused on the job here at hand, I did it… The book is now complete…
So… that just about sums up HOW a book can be written… even BEFORE the publishing starts… Why am I going over this process? Because, to see so clearly how the story FIRST needs to grow in it’s concept and how I need to feel I’m totally in the RIGHT PLACE for the actual words to be fit for a book, gives me acceptance of the fact that, in my current situation, it’s impossible for me to wake-up from one day to the next and say I ACTUALLY WILL START WRITING ANOTHER BOOK TODAY!
Friday, July 8, 2011
The words of the day: Yay yay yay
Last night (Thursday the 7th) something came over me. I was just finished work. It was 06.30pm. I was feeling strangely calm, wasn’t tired at all… and didn’t really want to head home. So I strolled around town, eating dinner at the stalls, by myself, totally happy just to ponder. Then I came across this tiny little ice-cream parlour, pretty close to home. There were 3 tables. It was empty. I sat and I wondered… Humm… What to do? It was 7pm by that stage and still I didn’t want to head home. So, I took out my laptop and thought to just look over some the editing…
Time stood still… and before I knew what was happening I was nearly done with the whole book!!! It was suddenly 09.30pm. It was dark and still humid outside. I was the only person sitting in the ice-cream parlour, drinking hot milk and reading through my manuscript. It was absolutely brilliant. I couldn’t believe how easy I was finding that stage of the editing process. I was at a stage in the book that had always been the most painful and difficult part. Usually I’d be feeling the pain again. But last night, I wasn’t. I wasn’t emotionally affected at all! It was going so well… I had to stop though, as they were shutting up shop. I went home and by the time I got to bed, it was 11pm. I lay there, and knew for a fact that by 1pm the following day I’d have the whole book done. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it…
And sure enough, I woke up at 4.30am. I couldn’t sleep any longer. So I got up at 5.30am… I had to get out of the house. I knew I was going to finish the book, but I didn’t want to do it in the apartment. I wanted to be surrounded by a flow of people. I wanted to be sitting in coffee shop, where I’d purposely take a spot and finish reading the last part of the script. That’s exactly what I set out to do.
And what a morning I’ve had! I was so full of energy… I almost sprinted to the food-court where I wanted to sit… And it happened! 2 hours is all it took to review the last pieces of the book… It flowed, it was easy to read and I hardly adjusted anything! I felt so at ease, and again, no major emotions were experienced and I felt… so calm. This feeling told me that I didn’t need to change anything anymore. I knew that the version of my book, as it stands right now… IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes yes yes…
There was nothing in the book that raised doubt in my mind, whether it was belonging to the story or not. I knew the story had come full circle or I, as a writer, had come full circle… The past months of editing were suddenly over, as I sat in the foodcourt of the local shopping mall…surrounded by only Chinese people, who were way too interested in what I was doing, as I was absorbed in the story that is now ready for worldly observation! Yes yes yes… The sense of calm I had, told me that I’m now confident that this is truly the story as it’s meant to be. What others will make of it, be it close family, friends or distant agents or publishers, I can’t be sure of. And that’s fine. Because what I AM sure of, is that this version of manuscript number 1, is what I want it to be.
I was ecstatic and so excited. I felt nervous even… I wanted to run and jump and tell the whole world!!!! But, I couldn’t… So, I headed to work. I was due to start at 1pm. In I walked… I popped onto my laptop to make the last backups of the book… and with all the colleagues around me, I first didn’t want to say anything… But I couldn’t contain myself… So I started: “guys, I’ve got big news…” And that’s when I started jumping around the office, telling them I’d finished my book and that it’s how I want it to be and how it will be recognized in the world – whether others like it or loathe it… It doesn’t matter, because I love it… I know for a fact it will find a spot somewhere on a bookshelf. It simply has to… if I believe in it so strongly….
With so much excitement, everyone was delighted for me… Really, I couldn’t have gotten a better response… And the next question was: “What happens from here Niamh?”… well, at the moment I’m still waiting for the agent in Ireland to get back to me about the first 70 pages, which he’s currently reviewing. In the meantime, I’ll probably continue going through the list of agencies (that I’d already started getting through, when I was still in Ireland). As well the concept for what writing to next focus on, will grow… Now that I’ve nothing more to add to this book, I’ve got space in my mind to look forward towards the next book… Wow… it’s so exciting. So the process will keep on going and I will keep on writing and believing that this first book is already making it’s way to where it’s needed… patience is a must as well… haha….
So, all in all, a massive day on my part… And now I’m in work, trying to plan lessons for my classes… what a contrast! Anyhow, it’s brilliant, and I’m delighted to finally be able to write this post… Months of hard work will pay-off… they are actually already paying-off… if how I felt today was anything to go by!!!! Yay………
Time stood still… and before I knew what was happening I was nearly done with the whole book!!! It was suddenly 09.30pm. It was dark and still humid outside. I was the only person sitting in the ice-cream parlour, drinking hot milk and reading through my manuscript. It was absolutely brilliant. I couldn’t believe how easy I was finding that stage of the editing process. I was at a stage in the book that had always been the most painful and difficult part. Usually I’d be feeling the pain again. But last night, I wasn’t. I wasn’t emotionally affected at all! It was going so well… I had to stop though, as they were shutting up shop. I went home and by the time I got to bed, it was 11pm. I lay there, and knew for a fact that by 1pm the following day I’d have the whole book done. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it…
And sure enough, I woke up at 4.30am. I couldn’t sleep any longer. So I got up at 5.30am… I had to get out of the house. I knew I was going to finish the book, but I didn’t want to do it in the apartment. I wanted to be surrounded by a flow of people. I wanted to be sitting in coffee shop, where I’d purposely take a spot and finish reading the last part of the script. That’s exactly what I set out to do.
And what a morning I’ve had! I was so full of energy… I almost sprinted to the food-court where I wanted to sit… And it happened! 2 hours is all it took to review the last pieces of the book… It flowed, it was easy to read and I hardly adjusted anything! I felt so at ease, and again, no major emotions were experienced and I felt… so calm. This feeling told me that I didn’t need to change anything anymore. I knew that the version of my book, as it stands right now… IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes yes yes…
There was nothing in the book that raised doubt in my mind, whether it was belonging to the story or not. I knew the story had come full circle or I, as a writer, had come full circle… The past months of editing were suddenly over, as I sat in the foodcourt of the local shopping mall…surrounded by only Chinese people, who were way too interested in what I was doing, as I was absorbed in the story that is now ready for worldly observation! Yes yes yes… The sense of calm I had, told me that I’m now confident that this is truly the story as it’s meant to be. What others will make of it, be it close family, friends or distant agents or publishers, I can’t be sure of. And that’s fine. Because what I AM sure of, is that this version of manuscript number 1, is what I want it to be.
I was ecstatic and so excited. I felt nervous even… I wanted to run and jump and tell the whole world!!!! But, I couldn’t… So, I headed to work. I was due to start at 1pm. In I walked… I popped onto my laptop to make the last backups of the book… and with all the colleagues around me, I first didn’t want to say anything… But I couldn’t contain myself… So I started: “guys, I’ve got big news…” And that’s when I started jumping around the office, telling them I’d finished my book and that it’s how I want it to be and how it will be recognized in the world – whether others like it or loathe it… It doesn’t matter, because I love it… I know for a fact it will find a spot somewhere on a bookshelf. It simply has to… if I believe in it so strongly….
With so much excitement, everyone was delighted for me… Really, I couldn’t have gotten a better response… And the next question was: “What happens from here Niamh?”… well, at the moment I’m still waiting for the agent in Ireland to get back to me about the first 70 pages, which he’s currently reviewing. In the meantime, I’ll probably continue going through the list of agencies (that I’d already started getting through, when I was still in Ireland). As well the concept for what writing to next focus on, will grow… Now that I’ve nothing more to add to this book, I’ve got space in my mind to look forward towards the next book… Wow… it’s so exciting. So the process will keep on going and I will keep on writing and believing that this first book is already making it’s way to where it’s needed… patience is a must as well… haha….
So, all in all, a massive day on my part… And now I’m in work, trying to plan lessons for my classes… what a contrast! Anyhow, it’s brilliant, and I’m delighted to finally be able to write this post… Months of hard work will pay-off… they are actually already paying-off… if how I felt today was anything to go by!!!! Yay………
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
New life...
Big news from back home!!! A baby has been born!! Yay yay yay… my sister Orla just gave birth 2 days ago, to a precious little girl… The healthy new little edition to the family is now known as Ynera. What a special name!!! She’s their second child, to accompany my 3 year old niece Enya. I thought I would have been homesick, but it’s kind of hard to be sad, when something so brilliant is happening in their lives. And the big family gatherings that will be coming up, when my oldest sister Emma also gives birth in August and when christenings are planned - all of which I won’t apart - doesn’t make me feel too separated or distant… This is a sign that I’m happy where I am… I probably feel closer to them… because there’s one extra person to strengthen our family! I wonder when I’ll get to meet the little princess…
So... not being homesick and feeling so happy, means I’m on top of life right now… Everything is working out brilliantly and, after last weeks little hick-up, I feel so much better and more relaxed with everything I’m doing… Work is going great, classes are going just as good and will only get better over the upcoming period… because the more relaxed I am, the easier I am on the kids and the happier I am to see them happy in my classes… This also gives me more energy to put into writing. And now that I’ve truly felt how important writing is for me, I've also discovered my real source of happiness and my source of strength, so I can be on top of life... This is already a reason for me to feel happier with every single person who is apart of my Jinzhou story, every single one of my colleagues included... It’s unreal. I guess I’ve 'simply' found the importance of, first-off, to depend on our own selves for happiness, before even considering to depend on our surrounding environment (people included) to give us that happiness. The surroundings as well as the people are here to ADD to the experiences, but not to actually MAKE them. We, ourselves, are the 'makers'.
I was talking the other day and I couldn’t help but say that I feel to have come home…
How exciting is this life...
So... not being homesick and feeling so happy, means I’m on top of life right now… Everything is working out brilliantly and, after last weeks little hick-up, I feel so much better and more relaxed with everything I’m doing… Work is going great, classes are going just as good and will only get better over the upcoming period… because the more relaxed I am, the easier I am on the kids and the happier I am to see them happy in my classes… This also gives me more energy to put into writing. And now that I’ve truly felt how important writing is for me, I've also discovered my real source of happiness and my source of strength, so I can be on top of life... This is already a reason for me to feel happier with every single person who is apart of my Jinzhou story, every single one of my colleagues included... It’s unreal. I guess I’ve 'simply' found the importance of, first-off, to depend on our own selves for happiness, before even considering to depend on our surrounding environment (people included) to give us that happiness. The surroundings as well as the people are here to ADD to the experiences, but not to actually MAKE them. We, ourselves, are the 'makers'.
I was talking the other day and I couldn’t help but say that I feel to have come home…
How exciting is this life...
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Big Break
5 days ago I posted a blog that was somewhat extreme and deep. I didn’t realize at the time just how far I was going. All I knew was: I had to express those feelings, as I was about to explode with frustration. I never meant for that blog to be so full of judgement, anger and lack of appreciation for what I’m currently doing and for the people I’m surrounded by. It was never my intention to bring down the group I work with… nor did I want to speak badly of others or hurt anybody… But in that moment I couldn’t help but see myself so separate from everybody. And separation never brings positive feelings to the surface. I’ve been going through a big change and in my last entry it was as if I had to push against the group even more and break myself free so as to find a missing part of me… I’ll explain…
I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!
It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.
The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.
I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…
On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…
What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.
To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…
I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…
I’ll cut straight to the point (without dragging this out too much). Yesterday afternoon I was in the office and I truly felt my time in China was a waste. I felt I had to leave Jinzhou. I felt I’d become an island to the people around me and hated myself for being like this. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to become separated… but I simply couldn’t help myself - I had no choice… Again, I felt alone and lost and all I could see around me were the happy faces of my colleagues, to which I couldn’t relate. Happiness felt like something I’d never again be able to feel – not here in Jinzhou. I didn’t understand what was happening to me… I was even surfing the internet, trying to get to India… wanting to do yoga courses… I was desperate to find something… just to have a reason to move away from here. But I knew this was an insane thought. So I forced myself NOT to run… I knew that I had to find that certain SOMETHING that would give my China-experience a deeper purpose. I was searching so eagerly for the answer and when it came to me, it was the simplest of thoughts yet it was so powerful and satisfyingly relieving: I found I had to start writing my second book!
It was such a tiny thought: working on the sequel of my first manuscript.… And with that, things became so clear. Writing another book would not only give my year in China a purpose… but it would give my whole life a new purpose… And that’s where I suddenly found what I’d been searching for… Writing would keep me, not only in Jinzhou, but it would keep me… everywhere… Yes!!! I realized that if I were to seriously leave China and go to India for example, or travel to South East Asia, I’d still be searching for something. I’d still not be deeply satisfied in life. I even questioned how I’d feel to be back in Ireland… would I be happy? Nope! Not if I wasn’t writing. I found yesterday that I HAVE to write, wherever I am, regardless of the job I might be doing… For now, I WANT to teach and yes, eventually I’ll WANT to do yoga – these are simply experiences that will move me forward… But the difference between these jobs and writing is that I NEED to write… because without it, I’m lost.
The past week or 2, I’ve been pushed by the surrounding environment to find… ME! I didn’t even realize I was losing myself here in China… But I was becoming lost as I’d convinced myself I could only write a book if I was in Ireland and by thinking I had to publish one book before I could start the next could. I felt that I’d be making myself out to be something more than I really am, by thinking I could write another book ‘just like that’! I also felt that I wasn’t capable of writing something major, alongside working a full-time job at school… But there are no rules as to when I should start, where I should write or how long the process should take… And I know I can do all of these things… and so much more.
I can’t say how relieved I felt for realizing that all I have to do is write and I can be happy anywhere in the world. This means I no longer will run or search for anything… My previous blog entry and my online search for a yoga course, was a desperate attempt to break free. I thought I had to run, I thought I had to leave. I thought I could only be free again by boarding a plane. This is what I used to do whenever a situation would feel a little daunting and uncomfortable. But I forced this reality to the surface: every part of myself that didn’t feel recognized in the work environment will be recognized and come to life in the book that I’ll start writing… and every other book that follows. Suddenly I see that… nowhere in the world, no matter where I am, will every part of ME be seen for what it really is by the people I come into contact with. It’s impossible…
On hindsight, I can’t believe I thought that by running away to another country I’d find people who would appreciate all of me and accept me for who I am… Man oh man… to be on such a mission is one that is impossible and it would last forever – meaning I’d always travel the world, searching and running… never feeling at ease, never feeling recognized and always convincing myself that I’m being misunderstood…
What it boils down to is this: I NOW understand myself perfectly well… I recognize myself completely and I feel so much ease now that I’ve found my purpose in Jinzhou, which is my purpose in life… writing… So it doesn’t stop after manuscript number 1… that’s only the beginning… The rest of the editing I’m going to hand over to somebody more professional – because I’m not an editor… I’m a writer and that’s what I need to do… And it’s the one thing that will let me feel free and happy and flowing… wherever I may be.
To bring this post to an end, I have to refer back to my last entry. How I expressed myself was all in aid of finding what I’ve since found. At that moment however I was feeling desperate and didn’t know where I’d gone so wrong or how I’d managed to feel so alienated from the group of people that are genuinely good people… But now I know I felt so negatively because I’d turned away from something I so passionately NEED to do… I’d temporarily turned away from myself… hence feeling lost and alone and incomplete… With that, I couldn’t place myself around others who weren’t giving me the recognition I needed. The truth was: It was me who wasn’t giving myself the recognition I needed. How could I have been so blind to the truth…
I feel so free since realizing what my struggles were in aid of… and now I know that I’ll be able to open up to others again as I’m even stronger in myself for having gone through this process. It’s unreal. And I can’t say how grateful I am for the teachers at work to have been the main force I needed – forcing me to be real – forcing me to be me. What a brilliant conclusion. I know from here on in I’ll only move forward. New things are definitely happening…
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