Some last notes from India - goodbye for now

Another thing I noticed was that there are so many men!!!!! Today I’ve seen thousands and thousands and thousands of male Indians, but I spotted only a handful of women! What a strange thing. Where are they all? Are they safely at home, cooking, cleaning and looking after the kids, while the men work hard out on the streets, trying to earn a few rupees by either scamming the tourists, or maintaining the roads, or sweeping the dirt, or pushing carts, or making their greasy delicacies??? I guess so…

I must admit I felt this to be a real mans world, this Mumbai. But it didn’t bother me too much and I wasn’t phased by their harsh approach that dominates absolutely everything in the city. I wasn’t daunted by their glares and I didn’t get annoyed once. I didn’t feel the way I’ve felt on a daily basis in Kerala, when the stares would come. Nope. Today I found it normal for them to look. I could understand why the men would be appalled to see a ‘young’ foreign girl ON HER OWN, wandering the streets of Mumbai, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. I can understand the disgust of these men, towards me. I know it’s nothing personal… and I know it’s because their own wives and daughters would never ever be permitted such freedom. So, I was fine, I was wary and yes, I felt that the stares were justified, so I wasn’t frustrated. And because most of the men were all very tough, harsh and unable to speak English, I became more friendly and appreciative when some of them DID have some friendliness to share with me. Yes, it was a very different experience. Maybe because it’s my last day, maybe it’s because I realize how inexperienced I really am. Yes, I realize how little I know about countries, about travel, about customs, and about the religions that dominate the minds of the millions and millions of people.

After today and my short encounter with Mumbai, I can’t say I’ve lost any love for India at all. Instead I’ve probably gained more inspiration for the diversity that’s here and more of a willingness to learn, to see, to experience and to document their lives (for some strange reason). Today has made me want to return of course and to explore beyond Kerala. Today has also made me want to connect with people again from other places other than India.

So I’m feeling better about leaving, compared to the last time. I don’t mind moving on, and I know for a fact I’ll return. I also know for a fact that now it’s time to leave. So I’m happy. I took the last rickshaw from the station to the airport. He overcharged me, but I didn’t care… I loved every minute of the ride and when I paid him, I didn’t throw the money at him (like I did to the rickshaw driver back in July 2010 who also overcharged me for the same ride). Nope. I gave it to him and thanked him, I told him how much I loved his country and that I would be back. He didn’t understand English, but I think he got my drift…

So this was my goodbye to India for the 2nd time round… I wonder when the next time will be. I’ll never stop looking forward.

Leaving one home...

My last day at school in Sathavattom was quite the emotional one. It was Friday the 16th and I never expected that I’d show all the kids just how much it affected me that I was going. I wasn’t ready at all to be leaving. Maybe it was because my work wasn’t done. The annual day event still hadn’t taken place, so I was leaving with the rehearsals for my acts still unfinished (over the next 3 weeks the students will be doing everything without me, and I have to trust that they’ll keep putting in the effort to rehearse by themselves, and perform as best as they can when the day finally comes… (7th of Jan) I guess it’s all out of my hands now, I have little control over what happens, and that’s why I wasn’t ready to go.

It didn’t help matters that I became somewhat ill on the Wednesday night - 3 days before leaving. To make the chaotic days a little lighter, I started popping pills for the flu and some other aches and pains on Thursday night; 5 different pills at a time, 3 times a day!! For someone who never pops even an aspirin, this felt to be a huge amount – but I was reassured that the doctor only prescribed the best... Needless to say, such an amount really did work.

But even still, my last day (Friday the 26th) was hard. I was wrecked, stressed, and was eager to spread as much of myself as I could. But there wasn’t enough to go round. I didn’t even get the chance to properly prepare myself for the new school. Too much was happening, it was going too fast, and because I wasn’t well, it was a great struggle to keep up the pace. I did though, until the last hour. That's when we had a satsang (this is when the students will sit together for 30 minutes, making music and chanting songs). I wanted to say a proper goodbye on the mic during that hour, but I was too emotional (on hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have spoken!). I tried to do it without tears, but nope, it didn’t work, and of course I CRIED… In front of the whole school and all the teachers! I wanted to say so much to them all, but I only managed a few lines. Man oh man… how frustrating and what a soppy old one I’m turning into! The poor kids didn’t know what was happening… seeing ‘Niamh Ma’m’ in tears. I must have traumatised them all…oops… what a way to leave!

I thought they were only happy tears, but on reflection, I really don’t think they were. Yes, I’d had a brilliant experience, both at school and whilst living with Lekha. So I simply didn’t want to go. I wanted to be more apart of that school and of the childrens days. I felt to be leaving without having done half of what I could’ve done… Also, I became far too attached to them. Or they became attached to me, and then I simply let myself get carried away. It’s strange to think that I’ve been travelling for years, on and off, and whenever it comes to saying goodbye, I never cry… when I leave my family, I don’t sob… but when I leave these kids… I cry! Last year also, when I left the kids in Kayankulam, I cried on the mic… And it happened again here! Man oh man… I could apologize for my weakness, but I won’t. I believe it’s not a weakness but a different kind of strength when showing we’re vulnerable. It shows we’re only human. So no apologies from me! It is as it is...

Anyhow, on the way home in the car (still Friday), I suddenly had to start making the shift from Sasthavattom school to Kayankulam school. As well I still had to pack and round-up more bits and pieces and say more goodbyes that evening. But I was still weak, dizzy and flu-ish, emotional and in need of catching-up on the sleep I’d been loosing, because of having fever. Exhaustion reached its peak when I was trying to sort something out with the tailor. I was telling her about one of the costume designs for something for annual day. Suddenly I started having one of those ‘out of body’ experiences. I was talking, but I was outside of myself. I could hear myself speaking, but I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth. I was on auto-pilot and my voice sounded like the recorded version; the one that everybody else always hears, but not the one that I hear inside myself… if that makes sense ;)

Anyhoooos… I was freaked out, got home, went straight to bed. 10 min later, out of bed, trying to sort my life, but couldn’t speak for ages and just sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of milk, trying to grasp reality (I knew I had so much to organize within a few hours, but felt I had nothing to organize it with – there was no life inside!)… WHAAAAA…. I sat and sat and sat and waited for the drive to come, so I could start speaking again… then I sat and sat and sat and waited patiently for the drive to come, so I could start moving, eating, washing, folding, packing… And it did all happen… eventually. I can’t hardly remember how I did all that I needed to do, in the tiny space of time that I had and the small dosage of energy – but I did it.

Saturday morning, the day of leaving, I had to be in Sasthavattom school one last time. From there I left, with ‘my life’ in my backpack, at 11am. I said goodbye to Lekha, I took a rickshaw with 2 teachers and we bumped our way to the station. I waited for an hour with this lovely lady, not really thinking that I needed any mental preparation for what was to come. So I happily hopped on the train and by 3pm I was in Kayankulam. The driver of the schoolbus was there to pick me up – the same guy who would always collect me every morning last year! I jumped in, as if we’d only seen each other last week and off we went. I hoped he’d bring me straight to my new home – even though I didn’t know where it would be, but I was in need of a bed. We didn’t go near my ‘new home’. First we were off to school!

Oh god… I was looking like hell! I didn’t want everybody to see me for the first time in a year and a half looking like somebody who has just been to the wars! (after travelling on hot, smelly Indian trains - even if it’s only for an hour - anyone will look unattractive and in need of a bath) Either way, all the teachers were waiting. The children weren’t there… thankfully. So, I put on a big smile, I met everyone again - some new faces, some nicely familiar. Meeting everyone only took a short time.

Then I waited for a lift ‘home’. I was getting more and more curious… where would I be staying? They’d promised that it would be better than last year. I only hoped so, because I wasn’t really keen on staying in the same place again… Surely I wouldn’t be so unlucky and end-up back in the hostel that I classed as being one of the worst ‘long term stays’ I’ve had during that trip in India? It wouldn’t be that same hostel where mice were in my backpack, cockroaches were visiting daily and where my first impression made me break down in tears in the toilet - 18 months ago…??? It can’t be same place????? Well… it certainly can!

A recording of Beijing

A belated update from the 30th of August onwards...

The first day in the big big city of Beijing, was chilled. Even with approximately 10 million people buzzing around us. Me and Helen hung out with Roger, had amazing food, did a small bit of shopping, some taxiing and lots of talking. I was exhausted though by 8pm and in bed by 9pm… Wouw! I’m showing my age here; the 1st full day to explore Beijing and I was in bed so early… Well, it was for a good reason: the following morning (Wednesday the 31st) I had a photo-shoot booked, at 9am. So I literally needed some beauty sleep. Ahum…

Yes! A professional photo shoot: It’s the typical cheesy Asian/Chinese thing to do, which only costs the equivalent of 40 euros (well, this was a special offer as it goes… how lucky was I that Helen managed to land me that deal, when booking it a week in advance). I’d been wanting to do a shooting like this for the past months. But never got round to doing it. However, when I realized I was leaving, I simply HAD to go for it. So Helen set it up for me, in Beijing, instead of Jinzhou. And what a morning it turned out to be!

For one, I’d had enough sleep and was feeling more on top of the world again, instead of just floating through the days. I was totally THERE on Wednesday morning. Having said that; this felt to be one of the most surreal experiences I’ve had in China. Wouw…

4 hours it took…Getting my make-up and hair done and posing posing and posing some more, in 3 different outfits, with different background settings. I’ve never had such a professional transformation done to my face, in all my life! It was truly bizarre. I hardly recognized myself at all.

The photographer was so cool. He didn’t speak English, which of course made the shooting a little bit trickier than it otherwise would’ve been. At first, Helen was there to translate. But after a short spell, it was mainly me and him; I was feeling more comfortable and he was getting used to just using actions and body language when trying to communicate how I should be moving and where I should be looking, so as to get the best shots. I’ve never worked with a photographer before so I had no idea what to expect. I’m no model, far from it… But, I was suddenly getting a glimpse of what is involved in working with a photographer. All those hours of watching America’s next top model were suddenly paying off!!!

I found just how vital it is, to have some sort of a connection with the person taking the pictures and not just with the camera alone - most people who know me, also know that I’m not camera shy at all… ;) (this helped alot I reckon). Still through, without any lines of proper communication or speech (which usually forms the basis for any level of connection, especially if you’re strangers), it could’ve been made almost impossible for me to relax into the "posing-mode" and for him to NOT get impatient or frustrated with me, if I wasn’t understanding what he wanted me to do… for the best possible pictures to be taken.

But, luckily, this guy used his own body language to communicate. And so did I and it got easier and easier as the morning went on. We finished ‘shooting’ out on the streets. We were walking the ‘great outdoors’ of Beijing and I had to stopp taking notice of the cars, the bikes, the pedestrians. It must have been a strange sight, to see a foreigner being photographed, on a zebra crossing, a building sight, in a flowerbed and against several random walls… I blocked out all the stares and the tooting horns. It all faded into the background and it was a most amazing experience. And what I found was: this was my last day in China… My last FULL DAY IN CHINA for the foreseeable future and I’m marking it in a way that I’ll truly never forget. Wouw… I never expected it to be so surreal and natural all at the same time. I learnt so much… And couldn’t (and still can’t) wait to see the outcome, once the photobook and the 150 photos on file, get sent to me in India…

Oh yes… because in the excitement of that morning, I nearly forgot; I was still on my way to India! How cool the days of that particular week were turning out to be.

Once I was done, I felt as though there was nothing more I desperately needed to do or see in Beijing. How silly, many might say! Especially as I'd seen harldy nothing so far. Well, as I was hanging out with Helen, I realized what I gave more importance to, at that moment in time, even if I was in 'far-away' Beijing. At that moment it was (and will always be) friendship. I didn’t want to be running around Beijing trying to see the sights and experience EVERYTHING… I just wanted to savour my time with Helen, who had become my rock and main system of support, over the past months. I didn’t want my last hours in her company to be fuelled by the desperation most tourists will have, when ticking-off the must-see places of the world. Nope.

So… after the shooting, we sat in a café for a short spell. And that alone was brilliant. I’d already established that my China experience was perfect in many different ways and that Beijing too was perfect. With this realization it was suddenly time to at least see… Tiananmen Square and the Palace (not even too sure of its exact name), but I DO know that it’s the most popular spot in Beijing, amongst many others. So we made something of an effort, without expecting it to be amazing. On hindsight I’m glad we made the effort. I now know that I wasn’t really missing out on too much.

But I did learn something: monuments and architecture, are famous for a particular reason. It's where both good and not so good things have happened throughout the history of time… It marks monumental people or moments for that nation. Those happenings/moments contribute, to a certain degree, to the way in which the majority of that particular nation can think, live and experience their own lives, on this very day… This small realization in turn, I guess, can explain a lot to an outsider who is suddenly up close and personal with a different country and society… It can explain what the values, beliefs, views and opinions of the majority within society (or in China in particular) are based on. So, a concrete square, a monument and a historical palace, for these reasons can become a place that holds something special. It was definitely an eye opener for me. And maybe I’ll appreciate such man-made gems, just as much as appreciate the ‘natural gems’ of the world… Hummm… interesting.

So, that was Wednesday… and just one last thing… sitting in the foodcourt in downtown Beijing, I was having my last ‘Chinese’ dish (that was actually Korean…), I went to the public toilet and – now this was a first for me, EVER – I saw that the toilets had NO DOORS whatsoever… they weren’t western style toilets either… but squatters (not that that fact of the matter bothers me). But the absence of doors, could’ve stopped me from answering to the call coming from nature. It didn’t though... And so, on my last day in China, and for the first time in my life, I did my business with strangers walking by… who were ‘of course’ quite amused to see that foreign girls also go the bathroom, just like they do!!! What a high note to conclude my China story with 

Closing the door to Jinzhou

My last entry was somewhat of mess. It was a true reflection of how I was in that moment of writing. It was Thursday the 1st when I wrote it. It’s now… Sunday the 4th. The week has been so crazy. The only time my head was clear enough to write, was on Thursday – but really, after reading what I wrote I figured out that my head was nowhere near as clear as it could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been, had I slept and rested more throughout the previous days. Either way, no worries. This is what’s been happening since leaving the office last week Sunday.

I’d said my goodbyes to most of the teachers and once I stood outside the school, I was free. Emotional of course, but positive. I was then taken to dinner by the ‘foreign gang’ from work. Which was so nice. They’d arranged it for me, and really made an effort to give me good send-off. Afterwards we went for some drinks in a bar. Something I’ve not done in ages, but it’s what I needed. As well it was so good to ground myself in the company of the teachers who are and always will be an important part in my Jinzhou experience. So I was grateful for the way the evening planned out. The goodbyes again, affected me more than I imagined, just like the goodbyes I’d said to the kids throughout the day. And it was only by saying goodbye, did it really hit home, just how much others appreciated me being there… It was something I never really was aware of, not until I took a step back later that night; the entire day, started rolling through my mind.

This thinking, kept me from my sleep… 3 hours is all I managed to get. I was then up at the crack of dawn on that last day and needed to get so much done. But, if somebody had been watching my moves during the day, they’d never have guessed! Because I was literally floating, in a tired daze. I got absorbed in journaling, when really I should’ve been packing. I was meeting a few of the Chinese staff from work, to say goodbye, when really I should’ve been sorting some ‘business’… I was sitting in a coffee shop, by myself, writing poetry (!!!!!) when really I should’ve been getting a few last bits from the market. I was meeting the new boss from work, when really I should’ve been PACKING! Man oh man… it was so strange. I was floating and I didn't care less... I was enjoying my last day, being carefree… There wasn’t any stress involved at all. And to be honest, I don’t even think I’d have had the energy to stress myself out ;)

In the evening, I was working on my last painting… still not packed!!!! I then began to wonder if and when I was actually going to start moving things along… But suddenly I kicked myself into gear at around 7pm. And the packing commenced. A whirlwind took over my apartment for around about 2 hours (it was me, by the way) and then I hit a bump. But that was fine. I figured the last little bits could wait until the following morning. And the bump struck at the perfect time too; Helen came round for a chat and to pick-up some stuff I was passing on. So nice it was, to actually speak about what was happening…

By this stage, it was like I wanted and needed myself to be stressed and fearful and excited and emotional… at least if I was experiencing ‘normal’ feelings due to what was happening, I’d truly feel that something big was changing in my life. But, they never came. Instead I was calm and focused. I guess I wanted to flow with this ‘massive change’ MORE SO than I wanted to stress and panic myself over what I was doing and the risks that were involved and the affects the move could end up having on me. There proved no fear to be felt and instead a great deal of flow to be experienced. Sad emotions had all been disposed of, the night before. And Monday night was time for calm and settled feelings.

My last night of sleep, in the apartment that was so ‘beautiful’, but no longer mine, only lasted 3 hours….again! Whaa… the excitement was kicking in. And sleep didn’t feel too important. So, when the sun finally rose, I was happy and extremely eager to get the show on the road! Things needed to start moving. I needed action. And sure enough, in due time, action came knocking at my door. One of the managing staff from work arrived at my apartment at 8am, to take the keys. As cool as a cucumber I was packing my last bits and pieces, my backpack was still growing and becoming heavier by the minute… But that was just a minor weight to bear… My muscles would prove to be getting the workout they’d been missing over the past months ;)

Anyhow, I was so ready to move on, it was almost daunting. Usually I’d want a moment by myself, to properly absorb the space I’d been living in, the place I’d never again set foot in, before closing the door behind me. But I didn’t even need those moments… Nope! I figured I’ve most definitely had too many hours of being alone in that space, that a special goodbye wasn’t too much of the essence. And I realized that, no matter how luxurious it was… it was never really my home. It was just an… apartment after all. I'm sure there are gorgeous ones everywhere in the world… and anyhow, I was off to India to find my gorgeous hut instead!!!! Way better than a space in an apartment block situated in the north eastern part of China (oops, didn’t mean to slip in some bad notes about Jinzhou…) All in all, closing the door behind me, on Tuesday morning (the 30th), felt like the most natural thing in the world. I was simultaneously closing the door to Jinzhou too... or maybe leaving it on a small latch - I've learnt how important it is to NEVER burn any brigdes :)

The last taxi ride through Jinzhou as I made my way to the state… was … good good good! I was heading to Beijing! Helen and I set-off together, which is something we planned the week before. She wanted to visit a friend of hers, Roger, who also offered to put me up for 2 nights - giving me 2 days to explore Beijing. Helen would stay for 1 night and go back to Jinzhou on Wednesday afternoon.

The excitement started to hit home, once I was on the train on Tuesday morning… It was so cool to realize that there was no turning back. No matter what would threaten to stop me in my tracks, there really was nothing that would ever stop me in my tracks… how reassuring!

Feb 21st - The Flight

The lights are dimming and the people are settling into their seats, reclining their chairs and letting the not-so-good-plane-food relax them into sleep-mode; this airbus 737 is bringing us through different timezones and it's letting this particular night be shorter than what our bodyclocks are accustomed to (as we're flying towards the sun, instead of away). I'm in the air, in full flight and I feel amazing – and quite warm too (usually night-flights can be pretty cold, but this particular one is actually urging me to take off some layers... hahah... how cosy it is!)

Saying goodbye to the family this morning, was so different. I actually felt more luck than sadness... Why? Because not everyone has a family who totally understands just how important it can be, to do certain things in life; even if they themselves feel some degree of loss, throughout the process of expressing understanding and offering support. It's amazing really.

As well, every other time I've had to say goodbye, I've not been able to be so... what's the word... so CERTAIN and so CAPABLE of speaking from the heart. Usually I'd be fighting back the tears and unable to speak, for fear of showing too much weakness. But now, there were no tears.. I'd already shed them on Saturday! Wouw.. how cool is that!

This meant the last 'coffee-stop' I had with Mam, Eileen and Sean, just before checking-in and going through the departure gates, was one I'll never forget. I didn't feel there was a massive big 'thing' that needed to be done. Even though it's indefinite when we'll be seeing each other again, it was all SOOO fine! I said what I wanted to say, I did all I wanted to do and I didn't feel bad either for NOT crying... Yes!!!! This was the best 'goodbye' I've ever experienced in my whole life!

Having said that, it doesn't mean I won't miss them. It just means that I know my place within the family so much more than ever before and I know that our connection is strong, and always will be. It's like missing those I love, is a special kind of 'missing'' it's one I feel lucky to experience. Because the fact that I have such people to miss, means I'm blessed. No matter what happens.

Fantastic. I was ready for take-off. A bmi flight from Dublin to London and still savouring the Irish accents around me as much as poss. Once I landed in Heathrow and made my way through to terminal 3 – the Irish people were vanishing and the mingling started. Every nation suddenly has at least a 50 people to represent their country. Heathrow, everytime, seems to blow my mind. It's like this village, with different roads, alleyways, estates, communities, activities, methods of transport (to, from and THROUGH the 'village). There's a constant stream of people and commerce. Millions of people passing through each day and the list of flights departing is ENDLESS... Man it's crazy... I could sit here and analyze it, forever. But I won't. I'll keep moving this piece of writing forward, up until now: 9pm GMT or 5am GMT +8 (which is the timezone we're flying towards).

So, after a long walk from one end of “Heathrow-village” to the other, I finally found my gate. And that's when it started happening: the majority of people around me were Chinese, I was in the minority with just a handful of Brits around me. I'd alreayd left Europe and landed myself in Asia – and I hadn't even boarded the plane yet. I was buzzing with excitement and already smelling the food, tasting the tea, hearing the language and adoring the chinese children.

I can't wait to get there now, even though I'm loving this flight. 10 hours in total. O yeah, I must have sounded like a right wolly, when I first sat down in seat 39D. I turned to the guy behind me and asked how long the flight is...! and shocked when I heard it was so long...haha... How prepared am !!!

Okay. This is it for now. Trying to get some sleep on planes has never been without struggle. But maybe this night will be different. See you when I'm on the ground... on Asian soil! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feb 21st - Last days Ireland

After my last post – Saturday afternoon (the 19th) – I moved myself through the motions and, emotionally, I was leaving Ireland. I was finished writing and for the first time in my whole life, I cried tears for leaving this place. I couldn't believe it... I felt a sudden panic and still wanted to do so much! I had this massive weight in my chest and it was only lightened when I shed so many tears. Tears representing alot, but most of all representing GOODNESS. So, I didn't care and I let them fall.

My mam saved the day. We went for coffee and I unloaded my 'stuff' by putting into perspective what I had to do and why I was doing all of 'this'. One cup of Irish milky tea and a pair of understanding ears were enough to make me feel totally ready for the world. And it happened in the perfect place; O Briens coffeeshop. This is a place where I've sat for many hours, writing my heart out. Every minute I spent there, with a cappucino for company, by the writing I was doing, I'd transport myself to another place where I'd experience boundless magic and dreams, just by using my imagination. It was always amazing. Such fun I can have...all by myself!

Anyhow. Saturday night we had a 'get together' with the family. Nibbles, drinks, cards and some good oul' craic. That night I dreamt I was having interviews for teaching jobs in Belgium. But none of the schools would take me on. Eventually the recruitment agency told me to go to China. She said I'd be sure to get a job there... I asked will it give me opportunities. She said there are never any guarantees, but I'll never know unless I give it a try. I woke and knew for sure it was all systems go! Yes, yes yes!

Sunday. I thought the alcohol would've frazzled my brain. But it didn't and I got myself moving. The emotions had gone, there were no nerves and I was so calm yet excited, all at once. At times I'd wonder though, why this step would feel to be bigger than the step I made from Australia to India (a year ago). Surely that one was more challenging and daunting that this step I'm taking from Ireland to China? Hummm... I've done all this before, haven't I?! I've been teaching, I've been to Asia, I've left my home country. None of the steps are bigger than any of my previous steps!!!! So I don't know why I've been questioning it all so much. Force of habit I guess...

Or... maybe it's because now, I've stepped AWAY from travels for a while and so, stepping back INTO travelling, is new again. Moving from Ozzie-land to India, was done when I was in travelmode and surrounded by travellers. Then it's a normal step to make. That's why this move differs. Most of the people in my surroundings, they hear of what I'm doing and are 'in awe'. They find it hard to comprehend HOW and WHY I'd put myself through this, alone. So, of course, by only being surrounded by people who seem to think China is way-off the 'league of normalcy', I'll constantly be putting this whole step into prepective, for myself. Hence the reason for my reflections to be somewhat deeper, more full of wonder and fuelled with motivation. It's all in aid of keeping myself 'flowing' and stopping myself from being influenced by the doubts others may have or the apprehension they themselves would experience, if they were to make a similar move.

And... it's paid-off! Haha... I'm sitting on the plane right now. I'm off to Beijing. 2 hours ago, we left Heathrow. I was just diving into a book I got from my auntie Bridgy. That's when I started to feel this bubble inside; it was getting bigger and bigger and I needed to vent.. So the laptop appeared and I started to tap.

Goodbye Kayamkulam

I have stopped and pressed “pause“, since my last update. It’s Wednesday afternoon, almost a week since finishing my teaching in Kayamkulam. I left there on Friday morning and was shocked by the reaction I got. Really.

It was all a bit much. Some of the women staying at the hostel were in tears, others had taken time off work, to set me on my way and some of these I didn’t even have that much contact with and I wouldn‘t even have classed as friends. It made me realize just how isolated these women live. They felt so close to me - even when I didn’t feel close to them - just by me having stayed in the hostel for 5 weeks; probably because I’m the first Western girl they had ever met. I felt a little bad, for not feeling the same emotions as they were. I asked myself: am I really not effected? Am I sad? And the honest answer was: No. When I was leaving the school I was sad but happy, all at once. But when leaving the hostel I was happy, even though these women were suddenly giving me more love then than they had done before - just when I was leaving.. So typical! To make them feel better, I felt like putting on a sad face too, but that’s just not right. So I didn’t. Instead, I left feeling so touched by their kindness and by their sadness in my leaving. I left with even more contacts here in Kerala than I realized. Indians really can be the most honest and sincere people in the world- even if they don’t have any manners and can come across as being the most rude people on the planet - based on first impressions. But getting past that “front” reveals the warmest of hearts that I will never ever forget.

I made my way to the town of Kottayam, which has turned into a place around which I’m now based. It’s mainly because the next job in near this town and not for the desire to be there. It’s just a big town, with a nice Indian feel to it. Here I met up with Byron - for those who haven’t been “tuned-in”, he an Englishman who got me my next teaching job and his office and apartment are both in Kottayam. He brought me to the school, to check it out. I was pretty impressed. It’s one of the more modern schools in Kerala. I’ve seen my accommodation, which is on campus, and it‘s gorgeous! It was hard to get a proper feel for the place and picking up any vibe was nearly impossible - for the lack of kids, as it‘s still summer holidays here. It was also strange to know that I’d be in such a different school environment so soon after only just leaving Kayamkulam. But it’s what I’ve chosen to do and it will work out fine. School starts on the 1st of June and I’m looking forward to it!

This was last Friday. Everything was set in place and this meant that I had a whole week off, before I was due to move to the school! A week free to do whatever and be wherever I wanted. This felt like the first time to happen to me, since being in India. And it actually was. Even though I’ve only done one short teaching job, I’ve been otherwise on the go, constantly. Even when I was in Chennai, I wasn’t fully “free” because of the search for work. But suddenly this was my week to totally chill-out! How brilliant. Most travellers in India are free on all occasions because they may not need or want to work. I’ve been doing it slightly different however, so I may appreciate a week without worries, even more! This is all so very fine!

Tears at the ceremony...

Thursday I had a ceremony to go to, at school. I knew it was the official closing of the summer vacation classes I had been giving. It was a day full of emotions and happenings. I didn’t realize that it would all be quite so difficult. All the teachers the students, parents and teachers I had been working with over the past 5 weeks were there to attend this gathering and I was one of the main reasons. I sat up in front of more than 150 people and the principle and head mistress spoke of me and gave their thanks. I was then handed the microphone and asked to say some words and was so happy to because I didn’t want to leave without getting the chance to say something in general about my experience. And because emotions were rising, of course what happened?? Niamh gets all soppy towards the end of the speech (that I hadn’t prepared) and couldn’t say all I wanted because I was too chocked-up. No!! I wanted to say my bit, but I cried instead. But I didn’t an ounce of embarrassment!

What I was trying to say through the microphone - and only managed to say half of - was them giving so much thanks to me was totally unnecessary and that I was the one who was supposed to be saying “thank you” to all; to the kids for being so open with me, to the teachers for taking me in, to the other staff for looking out for me and giving me help and concern whenever I needed it. I started speaking of how special this time with the kids has been to me but not once did I say that this was my first proper teaching experience. Everybody at the school, from day 1 has treated as being a professional teacher and they assumed I have years of experience. They never asked so I never explained. The classes just happened as they did and everybody was happy with the whole concept of what I was doing. I wanted to say that, because it’s my first teaching experience, it has therefore been an extra special time for me in India; but I didn’t. I left it as it was; they know I’ll never forget them. The tears had taken over, so I quickly finished it off and handed over the microphone.

I was given presents and gifts and was asked, again, to stay. I was told how much I’d be missed and that I always have a place to return to. I was asked why I wasn’t staying when I love it here so much and I was asked where I was heading to next. Well, nobody on earth knew what I was doing, not even I did. I had 24 hours before leaving the hostel, so time was ticking. What would be happening next?

Yoga talk - 3 - The story ends..

At 01.30pm on Thursday afternoon I made 2 calls regarding work. I had to know that I had something lined-up or some sort of plan of action before taking the plunge and breaking free from this house. I spoke with a certain person on the phone. The chances of him actually having a job for me, were so slim, but still I felt the urge to ring him. Amazingly I was offered a job teaching English, for 6 weeks, starting from next week! It all happened so fast. An hour later I had told Nandan I wanted to leave, he was totally fine and didn’t even want to know why I wasn’t staying! I was booking my ticket to leave asap and heading in the southerly direction; that’s where the teaching position will be (back in the state of Kerala, I’ll need to go to Cochin and from there I’ll be brought to the town where the school is.. 3 hours from Cochin). The other teachers who heard of my leaving, didn’t even say goodbye. One guy asked, with everybody just sitting around, if I wasn’t happy here, in a nice but sarcastic manner. I was going to start explaining myself to them all. And then I thought: No, **** the lot of you! I’m going to be honest and I said: “no, I’m not happy“. I probably insulted everybody by “dissing” their so-called fantastic and glamorous lifestyle. But I was only being myself by saying I wasn’t happy and that was probably the only time I actually DID feel happy! Whoohoo!! Life was looking better already!

Still Thursday afternoon. I was trying to book my ticket online. But it wasn’t working. So1 of the girls said I should just pack my bags, the driver would drop me on the main road and from there I can get a taxi to the station and hope to get an overnight bus to wherever. In a way I was shocked - even though it‘s what I wanted all along, as I wouldn‘t have to hang around longer than necessary.. freedom was calling me!.. But, coming from her, what I had done to deserve this?! Wasn’t I allowed to stay until the following morning, have one more yummy meal and a proper sleep before heading on my way to wherever? Apparently not. So I said fine. I had 15 min to pack my bags because the “driver” was waiting. This made me feel even more desperate to end this thing and I was even more certain of my decision. How rude she was to me! And then, she had the nerve to say, when I was leaving: “if you ever change your mind, let us know and you can come back, you‘ve got potential!!” Yeah right!!! I doubt you’ll see me back, sweet Barbie doll! Sorry to get smart.

A dream wasn’t so much shattered by realizing that artistic yoga won’t be the way for me to go. Instead I now realize even more what yoga means to me, and it’s not as a substitute for training at the gym. Definitely not. I probably discovered that I’m more passionate about it than I thought I was and I know that I’d love to be a teacher. But not in that environment. No way. I want to learn so much about the yoga, but through people who appreciate ALL it has to offer. And I want to meet those people. I want to then bring this to others, who aren’t in agony because the class is so intense and who aren’t hating every minute because they’re pushing their boundaries constantly and blaming the teacher (which would be me) for their pain. This is not what I want. I’m now so keen, more than before, but it just isn’t my time to be taking this direction of teaching.

A lot of issues came up over the past few days. All of my “demons”, they all came to the surface and I questioned nearly everything I felt to be true. But I don’t need to really, as I can trust myself even more so than before; within 4 hours of being there I knew something wasn’t wrong!! How cool is that! I didn’t need to put myself through 2 whole weeks of facing dilemma’s and queries and making the process even more painful. I’m free again, and that’s a big relief. I can go and be and do anything I like. I’m apart of the real world once again.

This whole episode feels to have lasted a lot longer than only 3 days. I thought I’d feel like a failure for having taken the decision to go in the first place and then to leave that scene so suddenly. But I don’t. I don’t care. All I care is about my own health, and there in that situation, something went very wrong, in regards to mine. Now it’s time for me to deal with it along with getting the next thing set into place, so I can keep my India real. My head has been all over the place, my body is weak and tired and my focus has temporarily gone. I’m trying so hard to get everything out of me, and I sometimes wonder if I’m not trying too much. India isn’t easy, at the best of times. Especially when I put so much pressure on myself to make things work in the right way. It doesn’t help that it’s more than just one thing I’m trying to materialize either. I’m challenging myself, and this is what I wanted. But it’s only temporarily. Things are slowly coming good again. All I want now, is a nice conversation with somebody, anybody. I haven’t had a flowing conversation with anybody since Monday. It’s now Saturday. I wonder who the next person will be. I’m looking forward to it. How nice it will be.

For now, enough about this week. How I got on once I left the yoga house, is still unfolding. Catch you soon!

Chennai Review

By reading my pervious post, you may realize that I didn’t leave Chennai without thought or feelings. I left knowing what I wanted, where I was heading. It may have been rash, but that’s how it was meant to go.

I guess now though, the moment of me being reflective has come, and that’s my reason for this writing. I’m just closing Chennai’s chapter, for now, and starting another. I can never say when I’ll return again. I’m almost wary of saying that I definitely will. I can’t think that far ahead right now. But looking back, I can. And it was a whirlwind of a 5 -week “journey”. The amount of interviews I attended in such a “short” space of time, is unreal. Never in all my life have I ever seen myself sat at so many desks listening to principles and businessmen talk about the ease involved in taking the teaching position, with the so-called “great salary“. I look back and it’ like I replay a movie of myself and Jayanthi, traipsing around the city going from one part to next, using hundreds of autoriskshaws, tens of buses and drinking chai to get us through and keep us sane. It looks like something amazing, as I think back. We laughed, we despaired, we spoke, we had high hopes and visions of what the certain positions could bring us, we “chanced our arms” and kept everything flowing. We always had some sort of back-up or reserve..

I’ve been so grateful though for every opportunity and never for a minute have I wondered what I could have been doing or what job I may have gotten, had I NOT moved to Chennai. I know there’s a reason for me to have come. It was to experience life within an Indian family, life within one of India’s metro’s, life from day-to-day, life of the “jobseeker” in India. It was also for me to seriously consider and be faced with so many teaching jobs, that I was forced to question what it is I really want at this moment in time. And I did. I can never know for sure, but for now, I’ve found the answer; hence the decision I made to come to Hyderabad; hence me sitting here in this new place surrounded by new people with an approach to life that will hopefully inspire me in many different ways.

Chennai gave me what I needed. I wouldn’t be sitting here otherwise. Getting to meet Nandan last week (right place, right time!) as well as all the jobs not being the right ones, was the perfect combo to set me on my way. I feel to have come so far in other aspects too, within the space of 5 weeks. I feel like I’ve gotten so much stronger and more confident. I know what I want and I know how to get it - to a certain degree. Also when it comes to getting things done and to simply being apart of this country, as the person I am or as the person the natives here see me as: which is the “foreign girl travelling alone”, the “walking wallet” or the “white girl who can be taken advantage of, in whatever way anybody feels the desire to”. I’ve only been here for such a short time and still have so much to learn and to adapt to. But I won’t let people walk “all over me”. Or maybe not as much as I used to. I can stand up for myself, tell the rude people of the world what I think and be harsh if I need to! The term: “toughen-up princess!” comes to mind, which is something many country folk of Australia would say. It could be happening! I just needed India to give me a helping hand!

So thank you Jayanthi, thank you Chennai, thank you India. It‘s been amazing so far!
Enough said for now. I’ll be quiet and let you get on with whatever it was you were doing!

The rashness of it all..

20 hours after leaving Chennai. I didn’t really get the chance to properly say “goodbye”. Well, I did, but now that I’m gone it feels almost like I left too suddenly. Yes, it all happened fast: the yoga position being offered to me, the decision to take it and the choice to get it started right away. But did I leave too soon? Many would think I did. Especially people at home. My mam for instance, who I rang yesterday afternoon (Monday), half an hour before I was due to leave the beautiful home I was staying at for the past 5 weeks. Of course it sounded rash and like a drastic change in direction. Because nobody knew that this yoga position was what I was wanting all along. It seems to have come out of the blue I suppose. And in many ways it did to me too, as I hadn’t expected this chance.

Yesterday, ringing home, I had to tell Mam “in person” (by phone is as “in person” as it gets whilst being away from home). It felt to be such a big step I was taking and I didn’t want her to read it on my blog. Shock of the sudden change but encouragement to take this opportunity, were her reactions. She was nervous for me as I told her I was leaving in half an hour. Was I nervous? No. Was I excited? yes. But what else was I? Sad to leave Chennai? I’m not too sure. I didn’t feel that I was leaving, for some strange reason. I didn’t feel to be too reflective - which was very surprising to me, seeing as though it’s usually what I am when I close one chapter to start another.

I said goodbye to Jayanthi and her parents at the house. It was me, once again, out on my own. I felt so free, I felt so secure. But of course it did feel strange to leave a place I had gotten so comfortable. I knew I was going to miss certain things; the easiness of being there, the talks, the room upstairs with the rooftop, the walks on the beach each morning, the city-outings.. Of course I’d miss it all. But as they say, there’s a time for coming and a time for leaving. My time for leaving happened so rashly, it almost passed me by!! That’s the reason why I can question it. But I didn’t feel bad. It felt good for it to be just me again.

I wondered though, had I done wrong by Jayanthi and her family by coming into their lives, letting them get used to me being there and giving them the “burden” of my unknown plans regarding my travels, my life and my situation, to then suddenly pack my bags and leave? Was this unfair of me? Should I not have burdened them at all? Would I ever be able to repay them for all the help they gave me? Had I just taken all I could and not given anything in return? And by my leaving so suddenly, was I taking even more from them than I already had taken, throughout my stay with them? Should I now feel bad, for letting myself get into that situation in the first place? But if so, then a person, or I, would never be able to get close to anybody whilst travelling, for fear of taking too much throughout the time we spend together and then only making their lives more complicated by their need to adjust to my being there and then to my not being there, once again.

This is a topic or an issue even, that has gone through my mind a few times. And I had already made peace with what they had assured me of: you weren’t in the way, you weren’t any trouble to have and everyone enjoyed you being here. So all parties involved were happy and benefiting in some way or another.

So what more can I say on the subject? I can’t feel bad. I travel, I move, I sometimes stick too long and suddenly things happen and I rashly move. This has happened many times before. I never want to hurt anybody in the process though. Sometimes it can happen and I can seen as the “bad-guy”. But if someone knows me, and knows what makes me tick and how I’ve moved myself through my life over the years, then they know how I “operate” and so with that awareness shouldn’t they not blame me for having the sudden urge to leave? I’m actually referring to other situations that I’ve found myself in over the years and so it’s not regarding the Chennai situation. I can let it rest, because I know that I haven’t hurt anybody and so there is no blame and I am free and know this is what I do..

Replaying the tale

As I’ve been winding down this trip since staying in Caboolture, each day was so inspiring and I learnt something more about my trip and about myself and about life in general. I knew I was ready to move on but at the same time I knew my time was running out. Therefore I was trying to distance myself from this Australian world but also I was trying to savour each day and all that it was giving me. So there was a “tug of war” going on: the pushing, or rejecting, was to gear myself up for the next step and pulling, or embracing, was to suck as much goodness out of the richness of my surroundings and the peaceful environment I found myself in. This was a perfect balance to create my own reality that is stable at all times. The combination or the sum that comes from this “tug of war” has made me as prepared as possible for this change. And now it’s starting.

When I get to where I’m going, I’ll once again look at myself and I‘ll see myself from 2 particular stages: I’ll be in the place I set out from 9 months ago and I’ll be in the place where I‘ll have landed myself. This will show me the route that’s been taken, and Australia will be highlighted along the journey as the country that gave me an incredible amount, of everything. Adventure, culture, love, friendship, knowledge of nature and environment, spirituality. It gave me an appreciation for this country that is even stronger than I first had, 3 years ago. It gave me an understanding for the reason why people sometimes don’t “see” the world as being one with incredible opportunities but instead they “see” the world as being one full of danger and fear that causes them to not properly “see”. It gave me the drive and the urge to go to further countries where an appreciation for where I am can ALWAYS be felt and not just when the day that it’s time to leave. It gave me clarity in seeing that, no matter where I am, putting myself first and staying true to my own needs, will always support me and serve me in everything I do.

Australia has been so many different things me: the stepping stone, the trampoline, the starting blocks, the runway. Ireland holds my water, my essence, my ground, my roots. Ireland is where my foundations are on which Australia has started to build. Ireland is where my seed has been sown and Australia has been the stem that will now make it possible for me to blossom. It has been the much needed warm-up that has gotten my heart racing, in order to avoid any injury. This is an endless list when describing what this country means to me.

My general view of this country, which can be felt by anybody who is open to it, is one like this: It’s a place that offers freedom in the western - often suppressed - society where people are being invaded, possessed, steered and restricted by the speed and chaos of the world. The distance that lies geographically between them and the rest of the western world, makes one not too prone to the influences that are put upon us. In certain parts and on certain levels society will try to invade, possess and steer their people, especially as they look at the far busier and similarly other rich worlds that aren’t within close proximity. They will try and follow suite. But not everyone in this vast country has to. Because of the simple reason: it’s a VAST country. People can escape and be free. People can reject that poison of consumerism, materialism, possession. They can control their own lives instead of society controlling it for them, if they so choose. Freedom on whatever level a person wants, can be experienced. A taste of this can only tease you and make you beg for more. And when that happens and you know you can have that else where, then you can be sure it’s time to blossom, to branch out, to go to higher grounds.

Having this view of Australia, not only supports but maybe sums up my reasons for feeling blessed by these perfect 9 months. So, as I’m signing off, the tale here is done for now. The world awaits my presence as there are still many more lessons to be learnt, experiences to be lived and fairytales to be written.

A Subconscious Goodbye

Today, still Friday, I could see it all so clearly. As I tried to remain stress-free and push all the bad thoughts, of things that could go wrong, to the back of my mind and so to be able to deal with whatever was to come my way in a calm and confident manner, I was able to see how the different parts of this chapter had gelled together so perfectly, to create all that I’m able to be doing at this moment in time. All it gave me has been, and still is, supporting what I’m aiming for. I’ve come full-circle, unintentionally. I started in Caboolture, I’m ending in Caboolture. Everything almost too perfect for words. This amazing Australia. I was here today, but I’d be gone tomorrow.

Hang on a minute! That doesn’t make sense what I just said: I WAS here TODAY? Doesn’t that mean, as I sit here in Oz and write this, that I’m already living in my future? I just used the past tense of the verb “to be” to describe what I’m doing right now! That’s not really living in the moment, is it Niamh? No, it’s not. But it confirms so strongly what I just stated: I feel like I’ve already said goodbye. There it is. I have. My mind has already left.. Today I was here in body, but not in mind. And my spirit? This was somewhere in between my body and mind. At certain moments in my body, as I perceived the world and my surroundings and at other moments in mind, as I prepared myself mentally for the new chapter that’s about to start. And that’s why I felt so strange.. all day long!! Yes! That’s it!

So I felt like I wasn’t totally a part of this world anymore, this Australian world. Everything was happening around me and I had to instruct myself almost to keep my brain in action, just to get myself from A to B - which could have given home the impression that I was feeling low or doubtful when I rang them on the phone! But I wasn’t able to engage too much in anything. I just stood back and observed the world that I would so soon be leaving behind. It was almost a video clip. And I was making the movie. All day long, I was the outsider looking in. And so many little things I was seeing. Things that usually wouldn’t be seen, because they would be so normal. Today, they weren’t normal anymore.

This is the movie being replayed: I sat in the doctors waiting room to pick up a prescription. A woman walked past with an envelope in her hand, that had massive letters on it saying: “State of Queensland”. Then, as I sat on the train I was seeing the school kids everywhere. Little Australian children, all in those typical Ozzie uniforms with those cute little hats and with that gorgeous accent that sounds 10 times nicer when coming from a child. As I later walked around Brisbane there were young Australian teenage girls everywhere, all so beautiful, all so similar, all so ”typical” Australian. The chain stores or shops that are only known to Ozzie land , were suddenly everywhere, like “The Cheesecake Shop”. Also the houses were drawing my attention; those houses I love so much: Australian bungalow type houses or “little house on the prairie” type houses . It was like I was seeing everything for the first time again. Was it a new appreciation because I was leaving? Or was it me trying to savour everything that Australia is? Was I comparing it to European countries, just so I would be aware of where I was, as my days or even my hours here were numbered? Why was this happening? It was most probably was a combination of all these questions.
Follow-up to come..

Just say "goodaye"

I’m sitting on the balcony right now of a hostel near the Gold Coast Airport. It’s Friday night. Tomorrow morning, I fly and leave this beautiful country. Who is to say when, why and how I might or might not set foot on Australian red soil again. Nobody can know.. But for now there are many I DO know and I’m more than happy to share what it is I’ve become aware of.

It’s dark, it’s humid, it’s nice. I went for a walk just to check out the place, and all I found were drunken kids and surf-shops. Australia. I thought: My last impressions? Drunken kids and surf-shops? This location is near a place called Surfers Paradise (those who have travelled in Oz, have definitely heard of it, as it’s a tourist “hotspot“). It’s somewhere I’ve never been before but I’ve heard stories about how amazing it’s supposed to be - in the daytime that is. I’m sure the sea is a clear bright blue colour. I’m sure it’s as pretty as a picture and I‘m sure the surfers dudes are hunks and the girls are all models with blond hair and amazing tans. But, from what I can see, I’m not too impressed. I strolled around in search for something, but didn’t know what. And so, I found nothing. Nothing that would be of any interest to me. It felt so strange: this amazing place, my last night, and not an ounce of anything.

So, as I sit here on the balcony with loud music blaring in the background, coming from the pub downstairs, and from the one next door and from the nightclub across the road, I’m feeling as if I’ve already said goodbye. I realized this as I was strolling along and a dude walked by and simply said: Goodaye”. I smiled and that word echoed in my mind: “Goodaye.” A word I’m not likely to hear anytime in the foreseeable future. He said “goodaye” to me, and I was saying goodbye to his country. What a contrast. It made me suddenly see myself from the place I set out, 9 months ago, which was Ireland. I could feel the distance I had travelled, in both space and time. And now, this was still me, having done all I had to do in Oz. I set out in April, without any expectations as to what I was going to do or how long I was going to stay. It was an open door that would reveal so much and the only “plan” I had planned was to go with whatever came my way. And today, I found myself suddenly at the end of this chapter, rich with so many new experiences through which I’ve grown in many different ways.
More to come..