A launch to remember

The book has been launched! Wouw… it came around so fast, was over in a flash… But what a brilliant night it turned out to be. Really, it was perfect. 

All day yesterday I was preparing myself, mentally. I was trying to keep myself balanced and calm, with as little nerves as possible, so my speech would flow and I’d get my message across loud and clear. Preparing the speech was quite tricky. To over-prepare, means it’s unnatural. To under-prepare, means we’re not too bothered about the whole thing and don’t make an effort to actually say what we want to say. I had no clue if I was preparing too much or too little… But the more I thought about it, the more I realized: I’m gonna be in a room with mostly friends and family… so really, what’s the worst that can happen if I’m lost for words and making an ass of myself? Nothing… I’d simply laugh it off… So, with this in mind I was trusting in ME to say what I needed.

Everyone started showing up between 7 and 7.30pm. It was quite overwhelming at first to realize that all these people (between 60 and 70) had come for… me?! Or just for… my book? Or for both? These people were there for the simple reason that Niamh would be presenting a book for the first time in her life… wouw…(no pressure to perform then! haha) I was able to keep myself calm (the person who was probably more nervous than anybody else, was my mam… poor thing... and she didn’t need to do anything! Haha…). Gradually though I really wanted to say my piece. I really wanted to give something back to all the people who had shown up.

The speech started around 7.45. First Lorraine (the publisher) gave a short introduction. Then Diann spoke. She was my therapist throughout my recovery. We’re still in good contact… I consider her the soul-friend I’m blessed to have found throughout my treatment. Anyhow, she spoke briefly about the methods of treatment available, about various books that have been written on eating disorders and how different everyone’s recovery process can be. She highlighted the fact that my recovery was unique in the sense that I embraced the spirit that’s beneath the illness which enabled me to bring soul into my life instead of self-harm and destruction. 

When she was standing there, talking so clearly, the room was silent. I could see the faces of those in the ‘audience’… everyone started to look so bleak, so sad… There was tension around me… It was as if everyone was thinking the same thing: ‘Oh god, this is dark stuff, this is tough stuff, this is stuff we’re not supposed to be smiling about and maybe not even supposed to be talking about…isn’t this word ‘anorexia’ taboo?!’ I don’t know if these were everyone’s thoughts, but I picked up on a strange vibe. Then I had a moment: ‘Oh no, I’m supposed to stand here and speak about something that everyone in this room considers a taboo…’ Actually, I don’t know what others were thinking. But I, myself, have always had issues when it came to saying the word anorexia and speaking so openly about something that once tore me a part. For so long, it was taboo in my world... And only over the course of the past months has this started changing... and last night I was truly putting my change OUT THERE.

So, still standing there, Diann continued to speak. I knew I couldn’t afford to be driven by fear. So I kept my focus on her and started to feel I was home, safe and not alone in speaking of something that’s ‘taboo’. I thought: Thank you so much for doing this; for speaking so clearly and for getting people to see that yes, it’s tough stuff to recover from an eating disorder, but it’s real stuff and can become equally light as the darkness it represents in the minds of most. I was so grateful for her presence THERE… and it made everything seem RIGHT… because everything I was about to say WAS (and still IS) RIGHT. 

Then came my time… First of all I thought: ‘Please smile and lighten your mood guys! Everything really is MORE than okay!’ I had to dispel the darkness that I felt had gathered in the room and show what can really become of a person, if they dispel the darkness from their lives.

 

Was it my moment to shine or my moment to get soppy, emotional and disheartened by recalling some minor bleak moments in my past? It certainly was NOT a moment to crumble and fall but a moment to be real.

Presenting a book like this to the world—however small the ‘world’ in Gorey seems to be—was many things. But overall, it was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done! It was the most powerful speech I’ve ever given. 

There were moments when I choked up, but I was able to breathe through it and keep myself focussed on getting the message of the book across. I released my inhibitions, I let down my guard good and proper and really didn’t care what others would think of me, or how they might judge me… I felt so FREE to express ME and to speak openly about the true meaning of life. It was so different to hear my voice saying words that I’ve only ever written… words that can affect others positively and motivate. It was like I’d awakened something inside of me, by standing strong and saying: Life is amazing, I love life, I love myself and EVERYONE has the right, or duty even, to love themselves. Because this is the truth of life: loving ourselves doesn’t mean we’re self-centred with an inflated ego. No way… It doesn’t mean we’re feeling better than anybody else… Because we’re not expecting another person love to us more than they love themselves. No way! When we love somebody or something outside of ourselves MORE than the person inside, then we’re neglecting and harming ourselves. True love for life means true love for the person within. 

The way in which I stood there last night, wasn’t for the sake of Niamh wanting others to think better of her. I wasn’t searching for acceptance and I wasn’t trying to fill in the expectations others may have had from me. No… I spoke and, without force, an extra energy came. An energy I experience so easily through writing and whilst speaking one-to-one with ‘light’ people. It’s like something awakened inside of me… I was no longer hiding behind a laptop writing words of truth but I was speaking words of truth in front of a crowd. They were words that, up until a few years ago, I’d have feared to be condemned for speaking. But by overcoming that fear, breaking down that barrier and setting my story free to heal others and to do the work it’s meant to do, I was experiencing true freedom! Yes!!!!!!!! It was so exciting to share my passion for life and the beauty that lies in suffering, for the first time in my life, with my close family and friends. I know this is only the beginning… Because I spoke only a tiny fraction of the things I wish to share and I expressed only a fraction of the energy inside that I know can be put OUT THERE to help in some way.

What a night! It happened at high speed but the response was exceptional. And I cannot thank everyone enough for showing up. Without the support and the ‘listeners’ I’d never have stood up and been able to speak the way I did. And for that, I’m eternally grateful. Signing the books afterwards was quite surreal… every single copy I know is going to a new home, it’s going to be read and interpreted differently by every individual but hopefully always respected for the truth that’s inside, regardless if the reader finds it too heavy, too light, too complex or too simple. The book is real, the book is out and now it arrives at a new stage… as do I.

To settle or to travel

To this exact date, it’s 5 months since I left India. I came back to Ireland to edit, publish and promote my first book, to write a second and to move on again. In my mind I’d hoped to have all this ‘done’ by June. Well, well well… such unrealistic expectations I had from myself and I feel like a proper nitwit if I’m to admit that I actually thought I could do all of that AND do some proper (and MUCH needed) refuelling of the body and reconnecting with the family at the same time. Holy smoke, how much do I think I’m capable of doing! Anyhow, I realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t gonna happen! And I was totally fine with that. I was taking more time to get the first book the way I wanted and I was putting more and more focus on yoga and meditation (I’d also been sick on and off, for a few weeks in between as well). Practising the ‘art of patience’ and learning of the processes involved in publishing has really opened my eyes! Wouw… (the world behind just one simple book, is so VAST!)

The longer I’m here, the more I’m connecting with Ireland too, I’m more open to LIFE here and have met some great like-minded people. Meeting others has brought some valuable experiences and I’ve worked through huge emotional issues that were been holding me back. This has given me so much strength on all levels—especially the physical level, which was much needed. (I’m only realizing now just how weak my body had become, while I was travelling, and how dangerously low my weight had dropped. But I’ve been learning and healing whatever it was that threw me into turmoil (mainly whilst I was in China). Being in Ireland has also made me accept my heritage and my roots so much more and I feel at ease with the fact that I’m not travelling around the planet at the moment. It’s probably the first time in my life I can say this! So the relief I find in this new feeling, I can’t describe—well I probably could, but it will take too long J

 

Anyhow, this strong connection with Ireland and the feeling of GROUNDING this country gives me, COULD be the start of me wanting to settle down. Hummmm… I’ve been questioning this for quite some weeks now because  usually within 6 months of being back in Ireland, I’d have dates set and flights booked. But I haven’t. So of course there are moments when the thoughts of ‘turning my back on travels’ have led to little panic attacks and onwards to major breakdowns. Especially when people would ask me if I’m gonna settle… or if I’m gonna leave. Whenever I hear the question: ‘are you going to settle?’ it's like there’s a switch being flicked and instantly something tells me: ‘Niamh GET GOING!’ It’s the travel-bug inside of me that needs to be satisfied. In the  past this has been one of my biggest fears in LIFE: answering ‘yes’. At time I can still be terrified that if I say ‘yes’ then I’m denying myself of travel and if I say ‘no’ then I’m putting expectations and pressure on myself to make travelling to other side of the world my next step (whether or not it’s something I deeply need and want to do right now). So, what does Niamh do, seeing as though either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ are filling her with fear? She says… ‘Hummmm…. Who knows, I have to wait and see what happens with the book’. As it stands, it's one big question mark, but even if I did know what was going to happen, I’d still never answer a plain ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Because doing that feels so limiting.

I know it’s limiting because of what the word ‘settle’ means to most people: creating a sense of security based on the stuff around us—a home, a car, a job, a partner. Creating a predictable life due to being scared of change and therefore also clinging to everything (and everyone) around us in order to feel safe in this world. 'Apparently' only in this sense of security, a person can happily depend on those ‘things’ and those ‘stable’ relationships, for life to be okay. Hummm… Is that what 'settled' means? Is this what I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing, if I’m not travelling? Am I meant to create all these ‘things’ around me, just to feel happy, accepted and a part of the ‘real’ world? 

Well, I can safely say I’m never going to create a life where my happiness is dependent on all of these ‘securities’. I’ll never create a settled life, if ‘settled living’ represents such dependent, predictable and static ways. I’ll never live life just for the sake of what others wish/want/expect me to be. 

So, this is my interpretation of being settled: I depend on NOTHING around me to give a sense of safety and I choose to feel safe, secure and settled in myself--regardless of what I have or don't have, regardless of who I'm surrounded by or not surrounded by, regardless of what place I'm in or wish to be in. I’m learning to live my own settled life, in my own way. I have my focus, I have my job… (whether or not it's classed as such by others). I have my health, I’m committed to growth and committed to moving forward, in whatever direction that may be. I have connections with amazing people, I have visions of what I need to be doing and as long as I keep them clear—by living in my own settled manner—then it’s all going to come to me. I know that if I continue to feel settled in myself, I’ll always be doing what I want and need to do. Then I have my own home, wherever I may roam. So I can happy anywhere… no longer searching the world for the perfect place, because I’ve found it in my own little space.

  

I can honestly say that I’m not scared anymore if I stay temporarily, I’m not scared if I suddenly have to go. I'm not hiding from the world, I'm not running away from this world. I'm in this world as me, without listening to the expectations people have around me. I don't care if I'm expected to settle or travel. The only thing I care about is living up to the expectation I have from myself… which is: being real and guided by spirit… instead of being guided by fears and limitations. My spirit wants to learn, grow, create, write and connect with like-minded people. And it's happening. 

Okay, I'll step back for now... without meaning to go too deep, it happened... haha...

I guess I'm just clearing up how important it is to be making choices in life that are based on INNER reality. And I can only know my own reality by letting-go of the expectations I've placed on myself (to get moving) and by letting-go of the pressure I've also placed on myself (to work wonders... asap!)... 

Wouw, these past 5 months have truly been invaluable in terms of realizing the importance there is in trusting the irrelevance of time when it comes to working and living a life that's based on personal truth, values and expression. 

Writer's block

The start of a new day, with fresh thoughts and a clear mind - Yesterday I had a writer’s block. I hate to label it as being such. But I felt clogged when it came to writing. I sat behind the laptop, wanting to update. But I sat and I sat… and nothing happened. I waited. I waited.  Nothing. I then asked myself, ‘What do I want to say?’  So much and so little! Because that’s what’s happening in my life. As an insider, there are huge things happening. But to an outsider it would appear that nothing really is going on. Because most days I’m at home, either working on the computer, doing yoga, journaling, writing emails, reading books or being a bit crafty with paint and canvases. To get out of the house and to connect with the surrounding world, I go for walks and always end up in the local coffee shop for hours so I can sit and write in a different environment. This is such a seemingly boring and mundane existence?!?… Nothing to write about… hummmm…..

Viewing myself from the outside makes me believe I’ve nothing to say; I’m not gallivanting the world; I’m not having huge adventures; I’m not meeting hoards of people from all walks of life. And because this once was the case, a part of myself is convinced there couldn’t be anything to share with others. Physical wonders of the world aren’t being experienced, so why would I even write AT ALL? LIES LIES LIES!!!!

So then I view myself from the inside I ask, ‘How far do I want to go, when sharing and writing openly about what goes on in my own little world that can APPEAR so simple, so boring and so mundane to those who witness me every day, yet is actually more amazing, revealing and exciting than it’s ever been? How far should I go in expressing what happens in my own happy little world? Answer: As far as I wish!

I realize that I DO always have something I’m willing to share and write about. And whether or not the reader is interested… that’s none of my business. As long as I’m not hurting anybody then I’m free to express anything I want. Everyone is given the freedom of choice to read what they like, just as everyone is given the freedom to create what they feel inspired to create. People then can form an opinion based on what they class as being good or bad, right or wrong. The one who’s expressed themselves, has to accept that opinions differ and—in that acceptance—NOT be guided by those opinions or filled with fears for whatever judgement should so happen to come their way.

 

What I’m saying here is actually related to certain things I’ve been dealing with over the past weeks, when it comes to self-expression and creating what I want. On and off, as I’ve been trying to get into the swing of writing another book, I’ve been inclined to hold back on what I want to say (or actually WRITE). I’d be envisioning friends and family members to be judging me for what I’d bring to light. It stops me. It clogs me and confuses me to the max. I know I’m trying to fill in their thoughts, which is impossible to do. I’m presuming they’ll say this or that, or act in this or that way… (Presuming ANYTHING in life, is trying to predict and this will always set us up for a downfall. Knowing this little ‘fact’ doesn’t always stop the mind from playing the games it wishes to play. However, WE have to be on top and step in when the mind overpowers… which is what I’m doing now!)

So… PRESUMING what others will think, say, do and feel towards me, stops me from expressing what I want, as I’m writing. I’m steering clear from certain notions, feelings and insights, for fear of what others will say. It’s a block in my mind, created by my own mind, as a result of giving more importance to what others would think and say about me, rather than giving myself more importance by expressing and living in a manner that feels limitless.

It all comes down to this: We have to be in control of OUR OWN LIVES, regardless of what family and friends may say or how they might reject us for what we’re doing. This doesn’t mean we don’t love them less, it just means we love ourselves and HOW we’re living just as much (if not MORE, as this enables us to give to those we love and care for, without ever leaving ourselves empty...) Standing tall and being real in how we wish to live and what we wish to do, takes courage. Hummmm…..But isn’t courage used so we can move BEYOND things we THINK will hurt us?!?! And if that’s the case, then courage ISN’T needed! Not when the actions a person takes—no matter how different they may be from what most people class as ‘normal’—are with the intention of ONLY doing good for ALL. Nothing bad will ever from doing something good… So nothing should ever be feared and courage shouldn’t really be needed in order to be REAL and TRUE!

I’m getting to the conclusion now: I shouldn’t have any of these barriers in my mind. I shouldn’t limit myself when I’m either blogging or writing another book. Every single barrier is based on a lie and it wishes to withhold what it is I need to bring forward. Yes. That’s exactly it! 

I’ve come so far and have reached a place in this physical world where ALL I’VE EVER DREAMED OF DOING, is ABLE to happen. I was in India dreaming of having my days being filled with expressive writing (but they were THEN filled with teaching and I felt limited). I was dreaming of going as deeply into my own world as I pleased, without limits and ONLY to do good for ALL involved (both the writer and the reader).

It’s the 10^th of May and it’s ALL right here, right now… I have to rid myself of these barriers that try to stop me from living freely. I may not be moving physically, but free living is in self-expression—no matter how often we pack our bags and leave a place behind. IF AND WHEN I let myself write without limits, then I’m free. If I’m not doing so, the prison walls will be felt and they’ll convince me I have to leave my physical place in the world, in order to search elsewhere for freedom. I guess I’m truly feeling that I need to be writing ANYWHERE in this world… because then I’m FREE TO BE EVERYWHERE IN THIS WORLD. So I write for the sake of my freedom; without feeling judged by others or myself; without feeling I’m running, hiding, escaping, fearing or limiting myself in any way, shape or form… It’s so easy to put it in writing… now let’s see how it goes putting it into practise…

PS When it’s time to leave Ireland, it’s not going to be for the sake of searching the world for free  living; my spirit can only experience true flight if it’s being expressive – through writing. Only THEN can I truly feel that I’ll be travelling the world IN freedom and not FOR freedom.

Pondering Freedom

I’m learning to change my way of thinking by telling myself; if a job doesn’t appear, then nothing bad is going to happen, it doesn’t mean the end of the world or of my freedom… Freedom is created by the mind… just like imprisonment. We can barricade ourselves by the way we think, or we can free ourselves. Barricading is the easy way to go, and freeing ourselves is the challenge. I’ve never been shy of any challenge, so I choose to free myself. Because it then becomes irrelevant where I’m residing in the world.

For example: in the past I’ve been imprisoned in the one place on earth I believed would guarantee me freedom: India. Only months ago I was imprisoning myself by the way I was thinking… in the country I love so dear! On the other hand, I’ve been as free as a bird in the one country I believed I’d never feel happy: Ireland. Freedom isn’t through physical movement. The physical movement I seem to have ‘committed’ myself to, seems to be in aid of realizing this truth; that moving from one place to the next, doesn’t mean we are free. It will appear to the majority that we are, because people will only see the exterior actions, they’ll only see what’s happening on the outside; what the person is doing, where they are going and how they are moving. But really, it’s about what approach the traveler has towards the movement that will indicate whether or not a person is free.

To specify; if a person saw me 2 months ago for the first time and tomorrow for the second time, they would see no change. They still see Niamh, smiling, and loving life, in the same position; teaching in India. But, holy smoke, how wrong would their interpretation of my ‘unaltered’ state of mind and position in life be! If only they were to look inside, they’d realize the change that has taken place; the outlook of the world has broadened and the limitations have disappeared from my mind, and it’s been life changing. My approach towards movement, physically, is changing as the perception of the world changes around me.

Once upon a time, my movement was only to be on the road and to appear (on the outside) as being the traveler… even if I was imprisoned by a certain way of thinking. Now though, I’m moving to put this new piece of information into practice, I need to experience how it works: the fact that no matter how much or how little I move, freedom is created by the mind and I can never blame the outside world and my surroundings for the barriers that can exist between myself and the world.

When we tend to blame the people and society, that’s when we’ve lost touch with ourselves and we’re not strong enough – in our own truth – to speak this truth and simply say: ‘this place isn’t where I want or need to be right now’. If we’re in touch with our truth, we’d have the strength to witness barriers arising (that leads to unhappiness) and this would be giving ourselves ‘permission’ to wholeheartedly move on and to learn from the experience. If we witness either our instant connection with a place or our instant disconnection with ourselves (whilst being in a place), we then choose whether to stay or go, and we’ll carry out what we need to do in order to keep moving forward (either physically or not). And it will never be the wrong thing – because it’s ‘right’ according to OUR SELVES, our own truth. We’ll still have our freedom. And the place that we could’ve blamed for imprisoning us, wouldn’t damage us because we’ve take responsibility for our own mind and realized that the only thing that can damage us, as we move from one place to the next, is ourselves, if we’ve taken the ‘wrong’ approach (and by ‘wrong’ I mean: lying to ourselves and trying to convince ourselves we’re something other than we are).

So, the conclusion to this rant of freedom (I could type forever) is that I’m finally learning why I’ve been, and still am, so committed to traveling. As I’ve been moving, and blogging, and journaling, and meditating and spending so many hours alone, I’m in continuous reflection-mode. This means I’m learning all the time from the actions I’ve taken. And now it’s starting to make even more sense why I’ve traveled the way I’ve traveled. The depth behind my travels is changing… it’s not to see the touristy places, it never has been and it probably never will be. But it’s to find the real meaning behind the word freedom, and to be an expression of that word.

Man oh man, I could write a book… there’s so much movement in my life right now, just as I’m sitting on the laptop sharing my thoughts of today… this is amazing.

One last notion, in relation to the topic of freedom and ‘me-time’: Only this morning I met a young 19 year old girl here in the hostel, a student who lives nearby. We were chatting and she then wanted to know my ambition. I said: to be a writer… then I paused and said (shocking myself as I spoke): Actually, I already am a writer. She then said: ‘Ah… yes! because you are alone so much, you’ll always be thinking and thinking and then you need to write. Writers are always single and alone’. It was the strangest thing for somebody, a young girl who I’d only just met, to recognize this. She could see how and why a person devotes so much time to writing; the need to write is increased because of the ‘alone time’ I have; in this ‘alone time’ I’m learning everything I need to know, so I can write.

So, I’m a loner?! That doesn’t matter, not if these are the revelations that come to me, not if I’m becoming more conscious of what I’m doing and why I’m doing these things. Not if these breakthroughs are letting me feel as though this really is only the start of my journeys and ventures. I obviously needed to be away from western people for 4 months; here in India the language has given me some limits in regards to connecting with people around me, but it’s given me unlimited access to connecting with myself. Wouw… life is truly amazing… and how blessed I am to have these options, to have an open road… with or without a job to move towards, with or without an abundant stash of cash in the bottom of my backpack. I have many things that I can put my hand to in the world and whatever I’m meant to do next, it will happen.

Only 2 more weeks… I’m savouring this part of the journey so so much. School is great, lessons are flying (up and down all the time) and the coconuts will be probably be coming out of my ears by the time I leave… my body is telling me to eat more, because, once I’m gone, I’ll be surely missing the flavoursome coconut dishes.

Beijing - Mumbai

A late update, from the 01st of September

Leaving Beijing without any sleep… AGAIN! I was way too excited to sleep on Wednesday night. So I was literally awake from 1am. Got up at 3am, headed to the airport at around 4.30 am… and flew from Beijing to Shanghai. In Shanghai airport though, sleep was starting to call. But the tricky thing was: I had to wait from around 11am until 10pm for the connecting flight to Mumbai. This was the longest day of my life. I think. I’d planned to get lots of writing done and usually I’d have happily kept myself busy. But my mind wasn’t incapable of writing anything… I was in a daze and getting more exhausted as the day dragged on. So I was trying to get comfortable in the waiting areas to just rest my eyes (that were slowly sinking into my sockets)… or just sat on my trolley, trying to curl-up… But these attempts proved impossible. Especially as I had 3 bags to guard. So I couldn’t do ANYTHING… I couldn’t read, because I’d fall asleep. I couldn’t write, because nothing made sense. I couldn’t even have a cup of tea… The only coffee shop served only coffees and juices… and there’s only so many hours I can sit in one café, stocking up and caffeine and frothed milk…

Anyhow, enough of the complaining… Because, as soon as it was time to check-in at 7pm (it really wasn’t a moment too soon either)… things started to happen. Everything changed from that moment onwards.

Standing in line, as I was waiting to drop my bags… I was looking at the sign above the desk: AIR INDIA. Yes! And what passengers would be accompanying me to Mumbai… INDIANS of course! Yes yes yes… This is the part of travelling I love the most: you stand at the check-in desk and the majority of passengers who board the flight are (obviously) from the country to which you’re flying. When I was flying to China, it was the same; I flew from London to Beijing and I could see the western people vanishing and the Chinese appearing. The ratio of western people to Chinese people was changing. And now, I was at that point again. I could see the Chinese people vanishing and the Indians appearing. And there was me, the only western girl alone, in China, amongst the chaos of the Indians, loving that I could see the transition. Amazing…

Such simple little things can sometimes be so cool….

Anyhow, I’ll continue to share just how these tiny little details brought me to feel so calm, excited and welcome, on the plane. A handful of Chinese, 2 or 3 westerners and hundreds of Indians. And it felt so warming. I felt at home on that flight and so… happy. It was amazing. I couldn’t get over just how bubbly the atmosphere was. Everyone was so jolly – they weren’t in hysterics of laughter or anything. They weren’t even smiling continuously, but… there was something I could sense… an openness and instant friendliness. Maybe I felt it so strongly, because it was something I’ve not really been exposed to for ‘so long’. Of course the Indians can, and will, stare. But already I’ve noticed that it’s warming and it’s with a smile. It’s NOT a stare that resembles a glare. It’s NOT for them to strongly believe I’m an alien who’s just landed from outer-space and has been misplaced in the world. But it’s real recognition…

An unforgettable plane journey; the amount of people I spoke to, the communication I was already experiencing… … I made friends even. People were helping me, giving me advice on my train journey and on what to see and where to go. I even got somebody’s number… In that sweet Indian accent he said: “Call me if you ever need any help… my family and friends are there”. Wouw… I was shocked at the ease. Before leaving China, of course, I’d remembered how much English is spoken by the majority of Indians but it properly came through on that plane journey.

Talking, speaking and being seen as somebody real. This was special. Taking in the atmosphere, I felt the colourful lives these people live. I felt their hospitality and appreciation for things that truly matter… I could feel life around me and I was so ready to embrace India more so than before. I knew that I wouldn’t feel any element of fear (which I had done, when I first arrived, in February of last year). I knew there was NO barrier I needed to work past, when dealing with the chaos this Indian life can present outsiders with. Nope. I’d already done that… This meant, and still means, that I’ll have so much more energy to pour into truly savouring their lifestyle… Suddenly I was coming to life again, as I flew from Shanghai to Mumbai… wouw… What an Air Line can do to a person… haha… My fascination for their reality continued when I hit ground in Mumbai…

A recording of Beijing

A belated update from the 30th of August onwards...

The first day in the big big city of Beijing, was chilled. Even with approximately 10 million people buzzing around us. Me and Helen hung out with Roger, had amazing food, did a small bit of shopping, some taxiing and lots of talking. I was exhausted though by 8pm and in bed by 9pm… Wouw! I’m showing my age here; the 1st full day to explore Beijing and I was in bed so early… Well, it was for a good reason: the following morning (Wednesday the 31st) I had a photo-shoot booked, at 9am. So I literally needed some beauty sleep. Ahum…

Yes! A professional photo shoot: It’s the typical cheesy Asian/Chinese thing to do, which only costs the equivalent of 40 euros (well, this was a special offer as it goes… how lucky was I that Helen managed to land me that deal, when booking it a week in advance). I’d been wanting to do a shooting like this for the past months. But never got round to doing it. However, when I realized I was leaving, I simply HAD to go for it. So Helen set it up for me, in Beijing, instead of Jinzhou. And what a morning it turned out to be!

For one, I’d had enough sleep and was feeling more on top of the world again, instead of just floating through the days. I was totally THERE on Wednesday morning. Having said that; this felt to be one of the most surreal experiences I’ve had in China. Wouw…

4 hours it took…Getting my make-up and hair done and posing posing and posing some more, in 3 different outfits, with different background settings. I’ve never had such a professional transformation done to my face, in all my life! It was truly bizarre. I hardly recognized myself at all.

The photographer was so cool. He didn’t speak English, which of course made the shooting a little bit trickier than it otherwise would’ve been. At first, Helen was there to translate. But after a short spell, it was mainly me and him; I was feeling more comfortable and he was getting used to just using actions and body language when trying to communicate how I should be moving and where I should be looking, so as to get the best shots. I’ve never worked with a photographer before so I had no idea what to expect. I’m no model, far from it… But, I was suddenly getting a glimpse of what is involved in working with a photographer. All those hours of watching America’s next top model were suddenly paying off!!!

I found just how vital it is, to have some sort of a connection with the person taking the pictures and not just with the camera alone - most people who know me, also know that I’m not camera shy at all… ;) (this helped alot I reckon). Still through, without any lines of proper communication or speech (which usually forms the basis for any level of connection, especially if you’re strangers), it could’ve been made almost impossible for me to relax into the "posing-mode" and for him to NOT get impatient or frustrated with me, if I wasn’t understanding what he wanted me to do… for the best possible pictures to be taken.

But, luckily, this guy used his own body language to communicate. And so did I and it got easier and easier as the morning went on. We finished ‘shooting’ out on the streets. We were walking the ‘great outdoors’ of Beijing and I had to stopp taking notice of the cars, the bikes, the pedestrians. It must have been a strange sight, to see a foreigner being photographed, on a zebra crossing, a building sight, in a flowerbed and against several random walls… I blocked out all the stares and the tooting horns. It all faded into the background and it was a most amazing experience. And what I found was: this was my last day in China… My last FULL DAY IN CHINA for the foreseeable future and I’m marking it in a way that I’ll truly never forget. Wouw… I never expected it to be so surreal and natural all at the same time. I learnt so much… And couldn’t (and still can’t) wait to see the outcome, once the photobook and the 150 photos on file, get sent to me in India…

Oh yes… because in the excitement of that morning, I nearly forgot; I was still on my way to India! How cool the days of that particular week were turning out to be.

Once I was done, I felt as though there was nothing more I desperately needed to do or see in Beijing. How silly, many might say! Especially as I'd seen harldy nothing so far. Well, as I was hanging out with Helen, I realized what I gave more importance to, at that moment in time, even if I was in 'far-away' Beijing. At that moment it was (and will always be) friendship. I didn’t want to be running around Beijing trying to see the sights and experience EVERYTHING… I just wanted to savour my time with Helen, who had become my rock and main system of support, over the past months. I didn’t want my last hours in her company to be fuelled by the desperation most tourists will have, when ticking-off the must-see places of the world. Nope.

So… after the shooting, we sat in a café for a short spell. And that alone was brilliant. I’d already established that my China experience was perfect in many different ways and that Beijing too was perfect. With this realization it was suddenly time to at least see… Tiananmen Square and the Palace (not even too sure of its exact name), but I DO know that it’s the most popular spot in Beijing, amongst many others. So we made something of an effort, without expecting it to be amazing. On hindsight I’m glad we made the effort. I now know that I wasn’t really missing out on too much.

But I did learn something: monuments and architecture, are famous for a particular reason. It's where both good and not so good things have happened throughout the history of time… It marks monumental people or moments for that nation. Those happenings/moments contribute, to a certain degree, to the way in which the majority of that particular nation can think, live and experience their own lives, on this very day… This small realization in turn, I guess, can explain a lot to an outsider who is suddenly up close and personal with a different country and society… It can explain what the values, beliefs, views and opinions of the majority within society (or in China in particular) are based on. So, a concrete square, a monument and a historical palace, for these reasons can become a place that holds something special. It was definitely an eye opener for me. And maybe I’ll appreciate such man-made gems, just as much as appreciate the ‘natural gems’ of the world… Hummm… interesting.

So, that was Wednesday… and just one last thing… sitting in the foodcourt in downtown Beijing, I was having my last ‘Chinese’ dish (that was actually Korean…), I went to the public toilet and – now this was a first for me, EVER – I saw that the toilets had NO DOORS whatsoever… they weren’t western style toilets either… but squatters (not that that fact of the matter bothers me). But the absence of doors, could’ve stopped me from answering to the call coming from nature. It didn’t though... And so, on my last day in China, and for the first time in my life, I did my business with strangers walking by… who were ‘of course’ quite amused to see that foreign girls also go the bathroom, just like they do!!! What a high note to conclude my China story with 

Closing the door to Jinzhou

My last entry was somewhat of mess. It was a true reflection of how I was in that moment of writing. It was Thursday the 1st when I wrote it. It’s now… Sunday the 4th. The week has been so crazy. The only time my head was clear enough to write, was on Thursday – but really, after reading what I wrote I figured out that my head was nowhere near as clear as it could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been, had I slept and rested more throughout the previous days. Either way, no worries. This is what’s been happening since leaving the office last week Sunday.

I’d said my goodbyes to most of the teachers and once I stood outside the school, I was free. Emotional of course, but positive. I was then taken to dinner by the ‘foreign gang’ from work. Which was so nice. They’d arranged it for me, and really made an effort to give me good send-off. Afterwards we went for some drinks in a bar. Something I’ve not done in ages, but it’s what I needed. As well it was so good to ground myself in the company of the teachers who are and always will be an important part in my Jinzhou experience. So I was grateful for the way the evening planned out. The goodbyes again, affected me more than I imagined, just like the goodbyes I’d said to the kids throughout the day. And it was only by saying goodbye, did it really hit home, just how much others appreciated me being there… It was something I never really was aware of, not until I took a step back later that night; the entire day, started rolling through my mind.

This thinking, kept me from my sleep… 3 hours is all I managed to get. I was then up at the crack of dawn on that last day and needed to get so much done. But, if somebody had been watching my moves during the day, they’d never have guessed! Because I was literally floating, in a tired daze. I got absorbed in journaling, when really I should’ve been packing. I was meeting a few of the Chinese staff from work, to say goodbye, when really I should’ve been sorting some ‘business’… I was sitting in a coffee shop, by myself, writing poetry (!!!!!) when really I should’ve been getting a few last bits from the market. I was meeting the new boss from work, when really I should’ve been PACKING! Man oh man… it was so strange. I was floating and I didn't care less... I was enjoying my last day, being carefree… There wasn’t any stress involved at all. And to be honest, I don’t even think I’d have had the energy to stress myself out ;)

In the evening, I was working on my last painting… still not packed!!!! I then began to wonder if and when I was actually going to start moving things along… But suddenly I kicked myself into gear at around 7pm. And the packing commenced. A whirlwind took over my apartment for around about 2 hours (it was me, by the way) and then I hit a bump. But that was fine. I figured the last little bits could wait until the following morning. And the bump struck at the perfect time too; Helen came round for a chat and to pick-up some stuff I was passing on. So nice it was, to actually speak about what was happening…

By this stage, it was like I wanted and needed myself to be stressed and fearful and excited and emotional… at least if I was experiencing ‘normal’ feelings due to what was happening, I’d truly feel that something big was changing in my life. But, they never came. Instead I was calm and focused. I guess I wanted to flow with this ‘massive change’ MORE SO than I wanted to stress and panic myself over what I was doing and the risks that were involved and the affects the move could end up having on me. There proved no fear to be felt and instead a great deal of flow to be experienced. Sad emotions had all been disposed of, the night before. And Monday night was time for calm and settled feelings.

My last night of sleep, in the apartment that was so ‘beautiful’, but no longer mine, only lasted 3 hours….again! Whaa… the excitement was kicking in. And sleep didn’t feel too important. So, when the sun finally rose, I was happy and extremely eager to get the show on the road! Things needed to start moving. I needed action. And sure enough, in due time, action came knocking at my door. One of the managing staff from work arrived at my apartment at 8am, to take the keys. As cool as a cucumber I was packing my last bits and pieces, my backpack was still growing and becoming heavier by the minute… But that was just a minor weight to bear… My muscles would prove to be getting the workout they’d been missing over the past months ;)

Anyhow, I was so ready to move on, it was almost daunting. Usually I’d want a moment by myself, to properly absorb the space I’d been living in, the place I’d never again set foot in, before closing the door behind me. But I didn’t even need those moments… Nope! I figured I’ve most definitely had too many hours of being alone in that space, that a special goodbye wasn’t too much of the essence. And I realized that, no matter how luxurious it was… it was never really my home. It was just an… apartment after all. I'm sure there are gorgeous ones everywhere in the world… and anyhow, I was off to India to find my gorgeous hut instead!!!! Way better than a space in an apartment block situated in the north eastern part of China (oops, didn’t mean to slip in some bad notes about Jinzhou…) All in all, closing the door behind me, on Tuesday morning (the 30th), felt like the most natural thing in the world. I was simultaneously closing the door to Jinzhou too... or maybe leaving it on a small latch - I've learnt how important it is to NEVER burn any brigdes :)

The last taxi ride through Jinzhou as I made my way to the state… was … good good good! I was heading to Beijing! Helen and I set-off together, which is something we planned the week before. She wanted to visit a friend of hers, Roger, who also offered to put me up for 2 nights - giving me 2 days to explore Beijing. Helen would stay for 1 night and go back to Jinzhou on Wednesday afternoon.

The excitement started to hit home, once I was on the train on Tuesday morning… It was so cool to realize that there was no turning back. No matter what would threaten to stop me in my tracks, there really was nothing that would ever stop me in my tracks… how reassuring!