Closing the door to Jinzhou

My last entry was somewhat of mess. It was a true reflection of how I was in that moment of writing. It was Thursday the 1st when I wrote it. It’s now… Sunday the 4th. The week has been so crazy. The only time my head was clear enough to write, was on Thursday – but really, after reading what I wrote I figured out that my head was nowhere near as clear as it could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been, had I slept and rested more throughout the previous days. Either way, no worries. This is what’s been happening since leaving the office last week Sunday.

I’d said my goodbyes to most of the teachers and once I stood outside the school, I was free. Emotional of course, but positive. I was then taken to dinner by the ‘foreign gang’ from work. Which was so nice. They’d arranged it for me, and really made an effort to give me good send-off. Afterwards we went for some drinks in a bar. Something I’ve not done in ages, but it’s what I needed. As well it was so good to ground myself in the company of the teachers who are and always will be an important part in my Jinzhou experience. So I was grateful for the way the evening planned out. The goodbyes again, affected me more than I imagined, just like the goodbyes I’d said to the kids throughout the day. And it was only by saying goodbye, did it really hit home, just how much others appreciated me being there… It was something I never really was aware of, not until I took a step back later that night; the entire day, started rolling through my mind.

This thinking, kept me from my sleep… 3 hours is all I managed to get. I was then up at the crack of dawn on that last day and needed to get so much done. But, if somebody had been watching my moves during the day, they’d never have guessed! Because I was literally floating, in a tired daze. I got absorbed in journaling, when really I should’ve been packing. I was meeting a few of the Chinese staff from work, to say goodbye, when really I should’ve been sorting some ‘business’… I was sitting in a coffee shop, by myself, writing poetry (!!!!!) when really I should’ve been getting a few last bits from the market. I was meeting the new boss from work, when really I should’ve been PACKING! Man oh man… it was so strange. I was floating and I didn't care less... I was enjoying my last day, being carefree… There wasn’t any stress involved at all. And to be honest, I don’t even think I’d have had the energy to stress myself out ;)

In the evening, I was working on my last painting… still not packed!!!! I then began to wonder if and when I was actually going to start moving things along… But suddenly I kicked myself into gear at around 7pm. And the packing commenced. A whirlwind took over my apartment for around about 2 hours (it was me, by the way) and then I hit a bump. But that was fine. I figured the last little bits could wait until the following morning. And the bump struck at the perfect time too; Helen came round for a chat and to pick-up some stuff I was passing on. So nice it was, to actually speak about what was happening…

By this stage, it was like I wanted and needed myself to be stressed and fearful and excited and emotional… at least if I was experiencing ‘normal’ feelings due to what was happening, I’d truly feel that something big was changing in my life. But, they never came. Instead I was calm and focused. I guess I wanted to flow with this ‘massive change’ MORE SO than I wanted to stress and panic myself over what I was doing and the risks that were involved and the affects the move could end up having on me. There proved no fear to be felt and instead a great deal of flow to be experienced. Sad emotions had all been disposed of, the night before. And Monday night was time for calm and settled feelings.

My last night of sleep, in the apartment that was so ‘beautiful’, but no longer mine, only lasted 3 hours….again! Whaa… the excitement was kicking in. And sleep didn’t feel too important. So, when the sun finally rose, I was happy and extremely eager to get the show on the road! Things needed to start moving. I needed action. And sure enough, in due time, action came knocking at my door. One of the managing staff from work arrived at my apartment at 8am, to take the keys. As cool as a cucumber I was packing my last bits and pieces, my backpack was still growing and becoming heavier by the minute… But that was just a minor weight to bear… My muscles would prove to be getting the workout they’d been missing over the past months ;)

Anyhow, I was so ready to move on, it was almost daunting. Usually I’d want a moment by myself, to properly absorb the space I’d been living in, the place I’d never again set foot in, before closing the door behind me. But I didn’t even need those moments… Nope! I figured I’ve most definitely had too many hours of being alone in that space, that a special goodbye wasn’t too much of the essence. And I realized that, no matter how luxurious it was… it was never really my home. It was just an… apartment after all. I'm sure there are gorgeous ones everywhere in the world… and anyhow, I was off to India to find my gorgeous hut instead!!!! Way better than a space in an apartment block situated in the north eastern part of China (oops, didn’t mean to slip in some bad notes about Jinzhou…) All in all, closing the door behind me, on Tuesday morning (the 30th), felt like the most natural thing in the world. I was simultaneously closing the door to Jinzhou too... or maybe leaving it on a small latch - I've learnt how important it is to NEVER burn any brigdes :)

The last taxi ride through Jinzhou as I made my way to the state… was … good good good! I was heading to Beijing! Helen and I set-off together, which is something we planned the week before. She wanted to visit a friend of hers, Roger, who also offered to put me up for 2 nights - giving me 2 days to explore Beijing. Helen would stay for 1 night and go back to Jinzhou on Wednesday afternoon.

The excitement started to hit home, once I was on the train on Tuesday morning… It was so cool to realize that there was no turning back. No matter what would threaten to stop me in my tracks, there really was nothing that would ever stop me in my tracks… how reassuring!

Tea time & Talk

Yesterday, I finally did it… After weeks and weeks of putting clothes shopping on hold, I finally did it! I went on the biggest shopping spree. I first wanted to go by myself. But after many attempts, I realized last week that it’s too hard and too time consuming to do it alone – the language is too big of a barrier. Especially when shopping at the biggest clothes market. Last week I tried to do the ‘high street brand name’ shopping, but everything is 3 and 4 times more expensive than it is if you go the market (which is always the case).

So I took Elaine (Chinese colleague) by the hand… or she took me by the hand, and off we went. Only 4 solid hours it took us! She is truly the queen of shopping… as well as being the translator, the bargain hunter and the guide through the maze of stalls. The amount of clothes that’s on offer can be so overwhelming and finding the places where the style is suiting me, can be nearly impossible. But… we ran, we were on a mission and it was brilliant! I was on such a role, with around 20 bags hanging out of me… going, going, going… And by 1pm I was back at home and absolutely delighted that I gave up my pride and admitted to needing help with this ‘thing’ called clothes shopping. Years ago, I loved clothes shopping, but then I slowly grew to not love it so much and I found that every time I’d go the shopping centre I’d end up looking for the nearest coffee shop, just so I could sit and write instead of actually shopping… even when I’d be in desperate need of clothes. But after yesterday, I can honestly say that I love shopping again… in China… with Elaine! How cool… and how grateful I was for her bargaining skills ;)

So, I was back at home by 1pm… but the day had only started: I’d planned to also host a tea party! Yes… It was my ‘themed’ house warming party. After being in my new place for 3 weeks I figured it was time to open up the doors of my apartment and let the people in!

The best country for tea, providing the best selection – green, jasmine, rose, lily, ginger… all served in the cutest little tea set, with some biscuits of course ;) It turned out to be a small get-together of 8 of us, which is exactly what I wanted. At first I felt like a ‘dumb-wod’… or a bit of a stick in the mud, for not giving a ‘proper’ booze fest. But then I thought… “Nope! I don’t care what others think of this ‘boring’ themed party!” Giving a booze fest would’ve only been for everyone else who was in need of getting drunk and I would’ve just been doing what others expected. So, I went a head and did my own thing and gave a house warming with a different touch, without expecting anything major to come of it. And it was so cool! I loved having people here and being able to show what I’ve done to the place. Man oh man, how nice it can be to be in a place that’s mine for everyone to actually acknowledge that ‘yes, this apartment really is Niamh’… My music, my incense, my tea… ;) Happy days – living life in the fast-lane!!! (that was a hint of sarcasm… if it didn’t come across.. haha)

Everyone was here until around 8 or 9pm. Then we went to the local nightclub. Monday night, kind of a strange time to party, but it didn’t stop the booze fest from starting. I did join in and danced everything out of my system. How relieved I felt to dance again. It had been a month or so since I last went dancing… So it was high time! I got myself ‘out of whack’… by drinking vodka, smoking a few cigarettes, eating shit and going home with strange men… haha… Ah no, it was just my 2 old roomies. I stayed at their apartment as I couldn’t get a taxi home. And it was actually really nice. I thought I’d hate stepping foot inside the Manhattan apartment again, but it was good… Because I knew I had my own place back home… This morning walking from there back to my own little spot, with a small hangover and looking like hell and feeling exhausted… I was so happy. I picked up street food; the perfect cure… And now… I’m sitting at my desk, realizing today is my 3 month anniversary. Crazy… 9 more months…?? Maybe more, maybe less…

I was speaking with Matt last night, about life in China. He wanted to know if I was happy. But he wasn’t ‘buying it’, when I said that I am. He can read people pretty well… and reckons my body language in the office says everything… I know I’m an open book… So, apparently, everyone who can ‘read people’, will read that Niamh isn’t happy. Huuummmm….

It was actually nice to hear this from him. It shows that he cares and it also confirms the struggles I’ve had over the past few weeks. This week has been better, so I’m moving through it… Matt also said something else interesting… “When you first arrived, I never expected you to stay…when taking into account all the other travels you’ve done… how can a place like this ever give you what you need…” Hummm… again… something that was nice to hear. Both things he said were perfect confirmation of what I too have wondered. How can a place like isolated and enclosed Jinzhou give me the things I need? I instantly knew what Jinzhou was giving me. A place to work on the book. The book is probably the anchor that’s holding me here. And the isolation, the rules and structured life is almost forcing me dip into my own sense of inner freedom and to strengthen that feeling so it becomes a rule of life, no matter what society I’m placed in. This goes for the work environment too… I have to bring my own free approach – the one I have outside of the office – into work. It’s about being open towards everything and everybody. And when approaching life openly it also needs to become natural to feel protected by the freedom I have to be me, regardless of what’s happening in the world around me.

Why oh why such analyzing...????

What a turn around this week has been. I can only say that a change in my approach towards work and towards certain colleagues has proven to be so possible and so… easy!

I’ve somehow managed to rid myself of the pressure I was putting myself under as well as to remove the invisible guard I was holding on to and suddenly it’s like… I can be as unaffected as I want to be by the vibes that are flying through the office. I’m not choosing to ‘suck it up’… instead I’m turning away from whatever it is that doesn’t make me happy and facing towards the things that do…

The past few days I’ve been speaking to a few girls from work; Elaine, Helen and Sophia in particular. It’s helped me so much in keeping a scope on the bigger picture of what I’m doing and why I’m here. And as each day has passed, I’ve been realizing just how insignificant the issues in the office really are. Because, even though I did feel awful, what it comes down to is that I’m the one who always has the choice to either continue feeling awful in a situation OR change my own outlook and approach towards the situation I’m placed in. That way, whatever I get in return will change too… and it can only be for the better.

So, by choosing to spend my time with certain people who I class as true friends, outside of work, I always give as well as take the much needed support. I’m not an island and I don’t thrive on 100% isolation. I want contact and I need to have good people in my life. And I have these things. I’ve got a life now that’s somewhat detached from the office. A life with others and yes, when the time to write comes on a daily basis, I also have a life with only myself… All of these things… along with connecting with people through email, and having contact with my little ‘kids’… and just generally loving the job… life is so good.

I guess I’m learning that by aiming to experience life on as ‘high’ a note as possible, then when the ‘tiniest’ issue comes along and either threatens or succeeds in bringing the level of that ‘high’ down by even the smallest of fractions, it can feel to be like an explosion and it’s almost the end of the world.

I know I’ll always do everything I can in life to be 100% happy ALL OF THE TIME and if I’m not then I’ll do everything I can to fix it. And I’m constantly fixing ‘it’… or ME should I say! Because I know to change the circumstances around me, isn’t always possible and to change the people around me, is definitely not possible. Instead I ‘fix’ whatever error I see in myself and so, the world I see and experience will always change too.

A constant change in life is a positive thing to experience – initially it may not always feel to be as good as can be, but ALWAYS it will be positive. If we’re patient, we’ll see the goodness. And being open to change, whether it’s good or bad, always brings new things into our lives and it keeps things fresh. The opportunities then appear and also our contacts and connections with others become more meaningful and so, we’ll always be taught and helped to progress in life… This leads to the circumstances around us to always be changing…

It’s like a cycle… Not a circle, and definitely not a vicious one… Nor is it a goal. But instead it’s a spiral that only moves onwards and upwards… And it can only be good, right?!

I figure: why would a person settle for a smaller dose of happiness and excitement in life, when they know they can have as big a dose as they wish for? We only have this one life…

I suppose, right now, I’m just wondering why I put such focus on the issues that everybody, everywhere, deals with on a daily basis… issues they feel are unimportant and things we should simple ‘suck up’. Well, I reckon I’ve sussed it out… Firstly it’s because those gut feelings I get, are impossible to turn away from and therefore I need to deal. Secondly… it’s because by over-thinking and analyzing as I do, I’m led to do the main thing in life that gives me excitement, happiness and a feeling of freedom. And it’s this ‘bla bla bla’ I do on my blog, and almost everywhere else too 

Whatever comes rolling from my fingertips here on these pages and however much focus I put on what others may class as insignificant in life, makes every issue almost worthwhile… meaning I’m happy to experience it all… if whatever life throws at me gets me to write…

I’ve come up with the following conclusion: Life presents challenges. Challenges lead to writing. Writing leads to excitement and happiness. Happiness is what life is all about. And so… the circle is complete… or no… it’s never complete; it’s an ongoing story, just as is this life… It’s the spiral that will always be moving onwards and upwards… in a circular motion… yes… This is good… Life is so good!

Roses and fresh fruit

This is real life… and I have to be able to cope. I can’t put that guard around me, when it leads me to nearly crash. For some reason it was like a coping mechanism, but it’s not helping me cope at all! Not if the result leads me to feel so bad!

Life in Ireland, life in Australia, life in India… Interacting, meeting, and facing the world – wherever we are. Issues will always arise. The only difference for me is that I’m in China. Bringing an extra ‘thing’ into the challenge: I have to able to deal with Chinese society, Chinese life, Chinese people, Chinese language along with the job, the colleagues and the general pressure that comes with teaching… I sometimes tell myself to just ‘suck it up’ and get on with it. I tell myself to stop being so overly analytical and so bloody sensitive to my surroundings. But why would I try to act differently than I’m feeling? For who would I do this? I don’t need to prove who I am or what I’m capable of; not to the company, not to my colleagues, nor to myself. I can be open and honest. Also I may be too sensitive in the eyes of those around me. But I’ve learnt that to show weakness and vulnerability is a strength. It takes courage to stand up and say that things can smell of stale urine and fermented garbage and that this smell isn’t making me happy! And yes the effects of such smells can not only mentally send me into turmoil, but they can also send me physically into similar states! So there you have it…

I sat today (Monday, my day off) with Helen and Elaine – 2 colleagues who I can totally relate to on different levels outside of the office – and I said that something has to change. I know for a fact that the way I’ve been experiencing the office environment lately has been created by something in me. It’s not like a few weeks ago, when the company was putting the pressure on. But now, I know it’s me… (this is also a reason for me to say that I’m NOT LEAVING)… I have to change something… I don’t know what though. All I know is, it can ONLY be for the better.

So, the reality of the situation is that I have deal with whatever it is that’s going on. The going gets tough and Niamh doesn’t get going! I’ve landed, I’m here and I’m grounded. Does this mean I’m trapped? No. Because I’m choosing to stay here for reasons that go further than the contract I’ve signed. Does this mean I’m unhappy? No. Because, honestly I can say that through it all, I still smile. I smile when I go to my classes. I smile when the kids learn the smallest of things and when they get excited by how I’m teaching. I smile when I walk to the markets to get that fresh smelling fruit. I smile when I pass-by the old Chinese men on the street playing their card games… and I’m happy when they express their ‘fluency’ of the English language that goes no further than a proud and loud ‘hello’. And especially I smile when I meet with particular colleagues outside of work and when I return to my place, where I’m free…

Again, I’m not making anything into more or less than it is… because even this sense of wonderment, is my reality. I’m not disguising my issues behind a picture perfect description of what I see and do everyday. I’m just experiencing 2 realities right now. Is it a healthy balance… or will the upcoming change (whatever it may be) prove otherwise?...

Domestic Goddess...????

During the first 3 days in the apartment I already felt so safe, so at home and I loved being here. I was still cleaning, settling, sorting and ridding this place of Mike C and putting my own personal stamp on it. Everyday I was tackling one room, giving it my own personal touch. By Saturday (after 4 days) I was down to the last room, the kitchen. I’d saved the best for last! And holy moly, this was a job and a half. It took me from 8 in the morning, till 8 in the evening to complete this task…

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to say that Mike C was dirty, but he obviously didn’t care to get right into the heart of the grime that’s been accumulating in the kitchen in particular, probably for years. But I did care to get into the heart of the dirt.

I ended up spending the whole day getting the kitchen into the state I wanted it to be in, by clearing it out, scrubbing every inch, polishing the necessities and even equipping it with new bits and bobs. Man, it was a brilliant step. Never before have I ever done anything like this! I then actually went out to buy all these little things that I otherwise would never dream of buying… Suddenly it was like: Niamh, are you seriously setting up a home, here in Jinzhou, all by yourself and buying a chopping board, tea towels, cleaning essentials and even a mop???!!!! Yes, you are…

In between cleaning, I took a break and went to the supermarket/department store. I walked around with my trolley getting fuller and fuller and had to laugh at myself… I never thought I’d reach a stage here in China, where household objects would be my main focus, whilst walking around a supermarket. I always associated anything that was for the home as being unnecessary and a waste of money. But, during that supermarket visit I was only too happy to spend and to buy… Okay, let’s keep it real, in China it’s as cheap as chips to equip your home with little bits and pieces that make life more convenient. So, it wasn’t about the expense, it was about what I was actually DOING. All by myself! I was setting up a home, as I walked around the supermarket and filled my trolley with these items. And, my dear mother was with me all the way! She was ever so proud of me… seeing how I too could be a domestic goddess just like her! I learnt from the best I guess…

When I was finished with the kitchen, on Saturday night, I truly felt that I’d come home. Every inch of the apartment has now got my stamp on it! For however long this pad is meant to be mine, it has my mark on it. Saturday night it was as if a weight had been lifted and I was able to breathe. I’d worked so hard getting it into shape, without taking any of the help others had offered me during my first days, and I did it all by myself.

I now have every room set-up the way I want. I don’t have a tv. All I have is my laptop, for the occasional movie and the constant music. The spare bedroom is my ‘creation-station’. I have my painting gear set up in there, which is something I’ve wanted to focus on for so long. In the living room have a library! Yes! A bookcase, with the books Mike C left behind, as well as some of my own. As well I’ve got 2 of the most impressive leather chairs that are in front of the massive window overlooking the streets of Jinzhou. The whole feel of this apartment: wooden floors, along with the bookcase, the desk, the window and the absent telly, makes it feel as though I’ve created a home with one thing as my main focus: to write. I’ve created a writers’ environment! Yes! Or maybe it already WAS a writers’ environment before I arrived, but I’m only really getting a feel for it now.

When I’m here, it’s all I can do: write. There’s nothing to distract me. No tv, no people. When I need distraction, I can have it… I know where to get it, because I have a life outside of this apartment too… Here is just where I can home into myself. And with that I’ll always be in the position to give all I can, in the work and social scene too.

As I was getting all domestic and loving every minute of it, I had moments of wondering: “What the hell am I doing?” “Do I really want to do this?” And, the fact that I was loving it, meant I DID want to do this. I wondered though: am I now settled and will I never travel again? Of course I’ll travel again! Saturday afternoon, as I was on my hand and knees getting rid of the grime that was baked into the cupboards and the kitchen floor, I’m still telling myself: “Yes Niamh, when the time is right, you’ll be putting your backpack on your back and you’ll be off”. It won’t be for another while, but it will happen again. I tried not to panic for doing something I never said was ‘me’: setting up a home. But, for now, it’s what I need. Especially as I realize that I’ve created a writers’ apartment.

When I first came to China, I wanted my China experience to revolve around writing and now I can see that it’s all coming together. I wanted for my book to be doing the ‘work’ it’s meant to be doing, by the time it comes for me to leave. And the book can only do its work, when I put in the extra work too. This extra work I can only do when I’m in the right surroundings. And I’ve found those surroundings now… Here in my new home! I can put in the work and eventually what this year in China is meant to be about, will happen. To write and to focus, a person needs peace and space. I’m finding my peace now and the teaching only gives me the perfect balance to stay connected to China and what it has to offer me.

May holiday - Shivers strike

I’m only realizing now just how life was getting on top of me… And sure enough, what happens when a person has been constantly running and on the go, without taking any proper time to wind-down? When they DO FINALLY wind-down, they get sick. And yes, this is what happened…

Saturday night, after I’d finished setting up my new home, I felt a weight lifted and I suddenly allowed to ‘stop’ running – which is what I’d been doing for weeks in order to find my own space. So my home was set up and I went to bed as happy as larry. I woke-up at 1.30am feeling cold. Humm… strange, it wasn’t that cold outside… I figured I must in need of an extra quilt. But soon, what started as just the chills turned into me shivering so badly that my teeth were challenged in staying rooted in my mouth. Man, I’ve never had such a bout of the shakes before in my whole life. I was frozen solid. It was like I was possessed by something and I had no way of getting rid of it. I then went into some sort of crazy daze and was struck by so many emotions and didn’t know if or how I’d ever get passed what it was that was happening.

Then it struck me: most people are out of town. If this was going to get worse I had nobody to get help from. Sh*t. I then wondered how bad I would let myself get, before trying to seek help. Usually when I’m sick I’ll always brush it to one side and see it as nothing major. But Saturday night, this bout of the shakes seriously scared me. And the fact that help wasn’t readily at hand, made it all the worse. Was there anybody I could have called on, who speaks English, were it to get worse? Yes, I’m sure that one of the contacts I’ve got, would have been able to help me. But in that moment, it felt like there was nobody.

I plonked myself on the sofa and set up my bed there… hoping that the living room would feel a little warmer. 2 duvets and 4 layers of clothes and suddenly it was the morning. The last thing I remember before falling to sleep, was the trembling and shaking that was going through every part of my body. I then opened my eyes, it was light and I could hear and feel nothing… only peace. Thank god… My shivers that were first uncontrollable had stopped and I was so calm. I still felt like sh*t however, but that didn’t matter. I was just delighted that the shaking had stopped. And for the first time in over a year in I don’t know how long I stayed on the sofa all day. All I wanted was peace and quiet and rest. I had to get passed whatever it was that had gotten into me, over the past few days. I ended up sleeping the day away, right through till this morning… Every hour or so, I’d wake and I’d snuggle up a little bit more and let myself fall back asleep again… I didn’t think I’d sleep during the night, for sleeping so much during the day, but I did. I was shocked… In a day and a half, I slept for nearly 30 hours! My holy moly…

I must have been in desperate need of rest. And the only way I’d permit myself to rest was by being forced to slow down by this flu-thing in my lungs. Man it’s crazy the way things plan out. I’m even more delighted that I didn’t go to Beijing for the May holiday.

Ridding myself of this thing I’ve got, will make me all brand new and I’m properly refuelling… And yesterday, in between the sleep, I couldn’t help but feel so grateful to be in this home whilst feeling so sick. It made it so much more comforting. I also know for future reference (and thinking with a more rational mind) that if anything ever happens, I can always call on Chinese speaking English teachers or English speaking Chinese contacts to help me, no matter what time of the day or night. I’m not alone. I’m never alone. So, from here on in, the adventure unfolds, from this home-base I’ve now created. Yes, life is so good!

Mingled lives

Often situations and circumstances force us to deal with people who don’t always want to deal with. That’s life. And we can learn to turn away from the people who don’t do us good. But, in our particular situation, it’s not as easy to turn away from certain individuals. Why? Because, 6 foreigners are placed together in the same company and most times, in the same living space and so, lives are mingled. Socializing with foreigners is something that we need, because the contact with Chinese is limited, due to the language barrier. Chinese contact can remain superficial. So, the group of foreigners around which your life is forced to revolve, are the only people you tend to build closer relationships with. It’s almost without having any say in the matter – unless you don’t need any further contact that goes beyond the actual teaching of English. And everybody needs people to share their lives with. The level of ‘need’ the individual may require, differs per person. But still it’s only natural.

So, here in our situation, at the school and with the workmates, we’re limited when it comes to choosing who to spend our time with. And this is the tricky part.

Mingled lives, beyond our control. When I was still living in Manhattan, this is what I was experiencing. The only way I was to take control, was by saying ‘no’. If I’d have been selective when it came to choosing who to spend my time with, I would have taken back the control. But, I wasn’t and that’s why I was losing myself in something… or someone. This led me to feel drained at school, to be distant, to be quiet and lacking something.

A life outside of the school and detached from my colleagues, is what I’ve been advised to build. Others, who have been here a lot longer than I, see how the ‘mingled- lives-syndrome’ can take over. From a more personal perspective, this is not what my journey in China is about. I’m not here to ONLY be placed within a group of foreigners and to restrict myself to these contacts. I didn’t come to China for others to start seeing all of our journeys, our travels, our China experience, as 1! That’s what was happening. For a few teachers, this is what they want and need, and so it’s fine. But, for me, it’s not going to be like that. I’m here for me, and nobody else.

Of course I realize that the teaching is the main part of my journey and it’s giving me these opportunities. And so, I’ll always do everything I can for the company and be the best teacher possible. But, I’m here to live an independent life, to do what I want to do and to spend time with who I choose to spend to with. My Chinese experience is an individual experience. Yes, I’ll hang-out with the foreign colleagues outside of work, but only when I want to.

There are a few colleagues in particular who are helping me so much – Helen especially. She’s the New Zealand teacher who’s been here 2 years and speaks fluent Chinese. She understands me so well, and also has more understanding of how being placed in this setting, can effect the way in which a foreigner chooses to connect with China – either superficially or more deeply.

On that note, I must say, how much I appreciate them all. Even one particular colleague who claimed I was the reason for him to choose Jinzhou, who was starting to witness our China experience as one, who was invading my space and bringing out the Niamh that I really don’t care too much for. It’s a strange contradiction: with some colleagues being too close, I can’t live here – let alone excel at what I’m doing, as being negatively influenced by others will always affect the teaching and the lessons. BUT, without them, I can’t live here either – such is the dependency on the select number of people who have English as their mother tongue. Hummm… How strange. So I do appreciate them all. The fact that I’m speaking like this, about my (no longer) Irish roommate, is because I want to take from everything that happened last week, as much as I can. That way I can get past it and not hold a grudge between the two of us.

Sunday night (the 24th) we finally spoke about it. We both told each other exactly what had been going and why we were on such different pages, when trying to relate to each other. He had different expectations from me. I had none from him. He was pushing for closeness from me; a closeness I wasn’t willing to offer. I felt guilty for not being open and accepting of his nature… which made me feel like the worst person in the world… and so… on and on the cycle goes…

Speaking with him was relieving. We both know where we stand now and it was perfect timing too. Because that same Sunday night, was Mike C’s going away party and I’ve since taken over his apartment! This talk with my roommate was like closing one part of my Manhattan chapter.

And Tuesday morning (the 26th) was the day for Mike C to leave China. It was the day he made space for me… No matter how sad I was to see him leave, a bigger part of me was happier… I needed that apartment, for my own sanity and to get myself out of Manhattan!

On the morning of the move, I had another ‘closing’ conversation with Matt. The best roommate I’ve ever had! With so much else going on, since Irish roommate landed in our lives, we hadn’t chatted for quite a while. During the first 6 weeks, when it was just me and him, we would sit at the table, a couple of times a week. He’d be drinking gallons of coffee and casually doing some work on his laptop, and I’d be drinking gallons of tea and either gazing out the window or writing about something. We’d be in each others company, going in and out of conversation and I’d get to know him so much more than otherwise would be the case. At work, we’d never get the chance to talk. But, during those first 6 weeks, we did. And he’s the nicest and most sincere guy. Tuesday morning, it happened again. We both sat (whilst roomie number 3 was still in bed), with coffee and tea, having great conversations. And that was the best note to end my first chapter in China on. This is what I’ll remember the Manhattan apartment for, and not for how I was feeling once the 2 became the 3. The 6 weeks with Matt alone outweigh the last 3 weeks by far. So… 9 weeks after first landing in Jinzhou and another new chapter starts! Niamh is branching out!

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally… I’m here! I’ve reached my new spot. At the moment I’m sitting at my new desk, just at the window in the new living room that overlooks the busy bustling streets of Jinzhou. I’m in my new apartment, I moved in 3 days ago (Tuesday the 26th) and I feel to suddenly have come home in China.

Man, I don’t know quite where to start. It’s been some time since I’ve updated. The past 2 days have been crazy – in both good and not so good ways. Going into detail, would make this “short update” into a 5000 word essay on people, relating and the importance of space. Will I go there? I’ll just touch the subject briefly.

My last week in Manhattan (the old apartment), was the toughest by far. Up until the start of this week, I was struggling with work and with a certain new colleague/friend/roommate. I was finding it hard to function properly at school and socially as well, just because of this particular person. It was very odd. I was so suddenly and so constantly around this person who knows no limits, who has no boundaries and who admitted to coming to Jinzhou partially for the fact that there was an Irish girl (which is me) here… I couldn’t believe my ears when the new Irish roommate (I’m still referring to the same guy who arrived nearly a month ago) told me I was part of the reason for him to come to Jinzhou. For him then to be living, working and socializing alongside of me, only made the feelings I was getting since his arrival, of being ‘spaciously invaded’ (on every single level), all the more reassuring: my gut-response was legit.

The past week I’ve been quiet, drained and withdrawn. Doing anything felt to be taking too much out of me. So much so, that pushing myself through the week was all I could be happy about. I did it with a smile on my face and the kids gave me everything I needed, all the while hanging on by the edge of my teeth. I had to close myself off from one particular person who was trying to get too much into my mind, my space, my life. I was becoming distant from that individual who was pushing to take things from me that weren’t on offer.

It may sound as if I’m talking in riddles here. And in some sense, I think I am. So, I’ll go to the day when everything reached its peak.

I went for dinner last Thursday night (the 21st) with Lauren (she’s another English teacher from America). The other person who tagged along was the one person who I couldn’t face to be around. I didn’t want him near me, but still I couldn’t say no. Being around him was the one thing that was forcing me to be withdrawn, quiet and desperate to seek isolation. At that stage, I didn’t know why he was having this affect on me. So I told myself to ‘get over it, to get on with it and to stop over thinking things’! So, I forced myself to smile – even when I was feeling sick at the thoughts of him walking through the streets with me, after dinner. But, just like I couldn’t say ‘no’ to him coming to dinner with us, the suggestion of him walking with me, was another thing I couldn’t say ‘no’ to.

Creating space

It’s 10 days since the arrival of the “latest edition” to our small group of western teachers… I’m referring to Ricky, the new English teacher and our new roommate.

When he first got here, it was strange to have someone talking in a broad Irish country accent, here in Jinzhou. It brought Ireland so much closer to this part of the world, especially when he told me he’d only passed through Arklow (my hometown) 7 days before landing himself in China.

On the first night of him being here, whilst getting to know him, I found out that we have far more in common than just our ”Irishness”. I found out that not only would Ireland feel a lot closer, but also… Holland! He told me of his Dutch connection: his father is Dutch and mother is Irish – not very odd. BUT… when I heard that he’d lived in Holland for the first 10 years of his life, before moving to Ireland, I was intrigued. THEN… when he told me WHERE in Holland he’d lived, I couldn’t believe my ears… He told me he’d lived in BREDA for those 10 years, which is the city where I went to college. It’s also where I lived for 9 months after returning from my first year of backpacking, in 2007. THEN he went on to tell me the street he grew up on and even showed me pictures of the house he used to live in, which was down the road from the college I went to! THEN he started speaking Dutch with the broad local accent that only people from Breda speak!

I couldn’t believe it… Here I was, sitting at the kitchen table in the apartment in Manhattan, Jinzhou, CHINA, talking with an Irish dude, who only just passed through Arklow a week before arriving here AND who is talking to me about the streets I remember to have walked down and cycled through, 4 and 5 years ago in Holland… AND who I’d be sharing a flat with, for the next few weeks. Really, the world felt to be the tiniest place EVER…

Anyhow, after the excitement of these coincidences was settling down and he was getting over his jetlag and finding his feet, I was getting caught-up in creating some much needed space in the apartment that suddenly has decreased in size, now that there are 3 people and an Australian Sheppard living together. The time I would otherwise use as my p-time (“personal-time”, “down-time” or “me-time”) has also decreased. It feels silly and strange to admit that living with just one extra person suddenly is taking up so much more of my time, energy and focus and it’s taken me by surprise. And it’s probably even silly for me to be writing about it here, because it’s not a permanent situation.

But I still need to vent it. Today it’s 10 days after Ricky’s arrival and a lot has happened. The group dynamics have changed and I’ve been trying to find a balance between the life in the office and at home. Ricky coming here has only showed me just how much our lives are all mingled. There’s a fine-line between private life and personal life that is often invisible. Why? Because outside of work we all socialize, at school we work together (even though we all give separate classes…) as well as sharing a living space.

The fact that I want to do so much during my free-time makes my down-time feel to be so precious. The past week I’ve been trying to spread myself. It’s been hard. And I’ve been exhausted for pressurizing myself into creating my own space. For 7 days, all I was doing was leaving the apartment at 8am (even when I wasn’t starting work until 1pm) and coming back 12 hours later… It was as if I was running a race. If I wasn’t working, I was either sitting in a coffee shop, writing or meeting up with people who aren’t connected to work. Every morning I’d wake-up at the crack of dawn, do some yoga in the living room (hoping that Matt and Ricky wouldn’t wake-up and I’d then urgently leave the apartment before they’d be up). On the days I’d be working, I’d head to the office where I’d be alone to do the things I’d usually do at home. This caused so much pressure and I was exhausted… Even though I was enjoying my days and so happy that I was still able to do other things by myself.

The following 2 weeks I won’t be putting myself under this pressure. It’s not worth it. Once I move, I know there’ll be certain things I’ll miss about living with others. And it’s true what they say: in every situation, even when it doesn’t feel to fit as good as it could, there’s always something good to find and something to be grateful for. So, I’ll savour the few more weeks left here in Manhattan, with Matt and Ricky and Cooper (Matts Australian Sheppard) and I can rest assured that once I move, I’ll have all the space I need.

Refreshing talk

The viewing of Mike C’s apartment brought me to spend some time with him too. This hasn’t actually happened once, since arriving in Jinzhou. Meaning I never got a chance to talk properly with him, without any distractions from others or without the conversation revolving around teaching and school…

I don’t know if you remember correctly, but Mike C (the teacher from England who’s leaving on the 24th of April and whose apartment I’m taking over) is an eating disorder practitioner back at home. I touched this subject briefly here on my blog, a few posts ago. I remember to have written about how freaky I found it, for him to be only the 2nd person in the world who I’m in close contact with who’s a therapist of this kind. I found out this piece of information on my first night here in Jinzhou. But never did anything with it…

Not until Saturday morning, when I went to check-out his apartment. We sat and chatted about just stuff… and soon the conversation was about writing, about my book, about how he’d always wanted to write too. Before I knew what was happening, I was telling him ‘my story’… my history of the disorder and how it’s the main contents of the book.

Well, anybody who has worked for 7 years with women recovering from any type of eating disorder would instantly know that I too have had my fair share of encounters with the demons of a disorder. It was so funny really, the way I said it to him… It wasn’t even a big revelation. It just rolled off my tongue and all I could see on his face was a warm smile that told me: I know. A smile of recognition and not of shock or of unease or discomfort; just of relief maybe to hear me say it so easily.

We sat and chatted about it for as long as time would allow… It seemed as though time stopped when we were talking. He was interested in how I was treated – because that’s the perspective from which he’s coming. I wanted to know how it was for a man to be so intensely involved in a messed-up and depressed female world that was solely revolving around food. It was so interesting.

At the same time it was like we were having a therapy session… I was telling him of how I’m dealing with it at the moment, how working on the book is a priority and how it keeps me aware. I told him how the move to his apartment was apart of me creating my own space AND my 2nd draft AND that it’s about becoming more responsible and independent… In many ways, this stage I’m at right now is letting me put a different light on the disorder again.

I realized this weeks ago actually: travelling to different countries, from my own personal perspective, is like this: dealing with the current position the disorder takes within my life. Mike C knew that to move to another country, old issues and habits can try to present themselves and take control. And he’s right. He sees how I’m underweight and sees how I eat. He senses the importance I give to healthy food, when most people, if they were underweight, wouldn’t even think twice about what’s healthy and what’s not. He sees my indecisiveness when it comes to what I want to eat and how I’m hooked on certain foods. He sees my frustration when I can’t read the menu and when I haven’t got a clue what meals are being presented to me… And he understands why it’s all happening…

Man, it’s so refreshing to have somebody see it so clearly… and for it to NOT be a female for once… Very different… I felt to be talking so clearly to him about the position the past disorder ‘EXACTLY’ is holding right now and I loved talking about it. Time was ticking, throughout the conversation, even though it felt to have stopped… We had to get to work by 1pm…

In the taxi afterwards, I thanked him for the ‘session’ and jokingly wanted to ask how much I owed him…haha… He said that during the talk he started to miss his old job… How nice that I wasn’t burdening him with my talking! He even gave me some professional advice, regarding my weight… “Niamh, it could be a wise move to have a set-weight for yourself, to NOT GO UNDER… just as a way of protecting yourself from slipping, without realizing…” Because that’s the thing, you can slip, ever so slowly, without realizing it… Especially when being in a hectic job, living a full life and always being active, full of beans and simply the joys of being alive… and when these joys are only being increased by the fact that you’re in Asia, you’re teaching, you’re writing, you’re creating and you’re independent and having great contacts with the people around you…. other issues can always brew away deep down and weight can slip, if precaution isn’t practised.

Initially I said no to his suggestion. But… I know how powerful the mind can be and I know how easily the mind will fool me and tell me my weight isn’t too low… and when the fooling starts, even if it’s regarding 3% of the habits / lifestyle I live by, it can easily become 4%, 10%, 15%… and so on… I know I’ll never let it slip. I’ve come too far. But, to be realistic and to see that a set minimum weight is keeping my situation real and keeping me physically strong and grounded in my experience, then… who am I to say no? Once a month is all I’m permitting myself to stand on the scales (this in order to prevent it from becoming a negative compulsio)…

Such genuine and real advice he gave me… Mr Mike C… Who has said to always be there if I need to talk! But who is also leaving on the 24th of April… Okay, him leaving is making room for me in his apartment. But besides this fact, he’s going to leave a gap in the group and be sorely missed. Not only because of this conversation… but because he’s such a genuinely honest guy, who keeps the group of foreigners in the reality of China… Something I’m often in need of touching base with…

I know I have the tendency to float and dream my way through these experiences… Not necessarily a bad thing, but there’s a happy balance in between. And I hope to find in, once I move into my own space… for the first time ever!!!

Apartment found!!!!

Since last deciding to move, I can already say that I’ve found a new place! It was easy easy easy… On Wednesday (the 30th) we heard that Ricky (new Irish teacher) was moving in. On the same day, I asked my boss if there was anywhere else vacant.

Here at EF (the company where we work) they have a few apartments on offer, for the foreign teachers – just like the apartment I’m in right now. But, seeing as though I want to have my own place, the only ‘downfall’ is that I’ll be paying extra rent each month, whereas in my current situation I’m not paying rent (because there’s 3 of us living there…). Anyhow, my boss gave me a choice between 2 apartments that will be vacant within the next 3 weeks. There both in prime locations and real modern, clean and homely, equipped with everything I’d need. The amount of rent I’d have to pay is almost nothing, when considering what I’d be getting in return.

So the choice was made on Saturday morning. I’d already seen one of the apartments and on Saturday morning I went round to other one, to get a bit of feel for the place. This particular apartment is Mike C’s… the teacher from England, who’s leaving China on the 24th of April. I went to have a look and instantly knew it was the place for me!

It’s so cool… the apartment complex is so central, in the middle of the city. The flat itself is quite big. It’s got 2 bedrooms, wooden floors, furniture, fully equipped kitchen… gorgeous sofa, king size bed and A PROPER DESK!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s a feel to the apartment that it’s been lived in… And that’s what I was after… The kitchen also feels to have life inside… It’s really cute, authentic and not modern at all… and it happily reminded me of the Indian kitchens; so simple, basic, but homely environment to cook in… Just like the sitting room… (no telly!!! Yes yes yes!!!!) AND a big window I can sit in, that overlooks the market stalls and comings and goings of the little Chinese people, all day long. I’m just around the corner from huge market stalls where I can get fresh fruit and vegetables every day and in summer I’m just a stone’s throw from the night market… a huge market that fills a particular street every evening, with stalls, people, street vendors, corner side tea and coffee houses… Man… it’s so exciting!!!

I can’t wait to get there. It’s like I’ll be taking my China experience to a different level. I’ll be starting to live a life of my own, loose from my colleagues and unattached from the tendency most westerners have to ONLY hang out with the group of foreign teachers from this particular English school. I’ll be apart of Asian life, in this new apartment. Where I am now, Manhattan, it doesn’t feel to be apart of China. It’s a new area of town that’s only recently been built. I’ve heard that 5 years ago, on the same plot of land where there’s now such a luxurious piece of architecture, was farmland… Manhattan is luxury and westernized and that’s why it’s the perfect base from which to start a Chinese experience; you’re still adjusting to being in China, it’s safe and tranquil to have a place where you can totally withdraw from the world outside. You won’t hear a single thing that will remind you of where you are, once you’re inside the Manhattan apartment. And that was fine for me, for the first period here in Jinzhou. But if I were to stay there, I’d feel to be cheating!

And so… it’s the perfect time to move to a perfect apartment in a perfect location!

Agent Feedback!!!!!

On Sunday (the 27th) I got an email from an agent in Ireland. He’s the guy who I got in touch with, through the radio interview. Peter. He worked at a publishing house for 7 years and now is setting up his own literary agency in Dublin and is in search of manuscripts. I sent the first 50 pages, a month ago. And finally I got a reply at the weekend WITH PROPER FEEDBACK! Yes! I was so happy to read something other than: “You’re book isn’t for us” (which is the response most of the agencies have been giving me lately).

Peter actually told me his honest opinion and gave me some tips. Was it good and positive? There were mixed vibes coming from this email… He saw the potential, but also saw the work that still needs to be done. He suggested I either revisit my manuscript and tighten the story or seek a professional editor to help me with the process… Hummmm… Was I deflated? Was I disappointed to hear that my story isn’t publishable (in his eyes)… At first, of course it’s something I needed to digest… But I soon understood what he was saying and why he was saying it… I took a few moments… thinking, thinking and thinking… What to do? My first real feedback, telling me to edit the story (and reduce the word-count by 20% - making it more accessible to publishers and readers)… Hummm…

So the day after receiving this email – my birthday – I sat at the coffeehouse and suddenly I figured it out! I needed to do this editing myself BEFORE approaching a professional editor. Yes, this is what I needed to do… And to do this, I needed a place and environment that feels… settled. I need to be living in a place where I can totally focus on the story again, if I want to do this properly… Even though the current living situation offers me space, I still feel that I can’t sit down and dive into my story, without being distracted or being influenced by what’s going on around me…

Over the past weeks, I’ve been meaning to dive back into the script again (it’s something I haven’t done since finishing it in December). But I can’t seem to do it. In my free time I’m constantly distracted. It’s like I’m being pulled to the world outside the apartment, when really I should be taking a few hours to devote some much needed work and attention to the book. And because I want to, but can’t allow myself, I then feel guilty because it’s as if I’m neglecting something major…

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa… yes, so this has been happening. I can’t pinpoint what it is that’s so unsettling about the apartment in the Manhattan complex… But something is stopping me from writing and focusing. So… I’m going it alone! Regardless of how lucky I am to have Matt as a roomy and how clean and new and fresh this apartment is…

Before telling others, I let the idea sit with me for…. 2 days… Because then, as ever, the events around me were forcing me to start making it happen. I heard on Wednesday morning that the new Irish teacher Ricky would be moving into our apartment. That to me was such confirmation: Yes Niamh, you need to go it alone… Living with 2 men and a beautiful Australian Sheppard by the name of Cooper (Matts’ dog) would definitely be too much.

This decision is somewhat unexpected, but it’s the right one. I’m just getting my priorities in order… And at the moment, it’s editing my book, at any time of the day or night, outside of my working hours… This will be only one of the many good things that will come my way by choosing to live alone… As well, it will be first time IN MY WHOLE LIFE to have an apartment to myself! Finally… 28 years old and it’s happening… never thought it would be in China… of all places!

It will a few weeks before it’s sorted, which is nice too, because I’ll get to savour my last weeks of having roommates (it’s PLURAL from today… with Ricky arriving!). Keep you posted .

A plan to move...

It’s April 1st. and it’s no joke when I say that my colleagues are great. Really they are. All of the foreign teachers together, we’re a pretty good group together. Right now there’s Helen (from NZ, she speaks fluent Chinese and has been here for nearly 3 years), then there’s Matt (my roomie, from the States, who has been here for nearly 6 months) and Lauren, also American, who has been here 9 months. Mike C (who is from England and here nearly a year) will be leaving in 4 weeks time. Today a new teacher from Ireland is arriving, Ricky. He’ll be living with me and Matt for the next weeks. Also, next week, there’s another teacher from America arriving, Mike W (he’s been working here for years, but was back at home sorting some personal issues for a couple of months). So, in total we have around 6 foreign teachers. Then there’s the Chinese teaching assistants and office staff… which is in total around 12 girls.

Even though there’s quite a difference in the way the Chinese staff and the foreign staff are treated, in terms of payment, rules, uniforms, working hours and general acceptance of what we do in our classes, we all get along great. There are a few who can’t really speak English, but most of them do, so the language doesn’t create too much of barrier when forming a closer ‘bond’ with Chinese colleagues, even outside of the office.

Still though, it’s inevitable for the foreigners to become a group on themselves. And because of this closeness, it’s like we all know where we stand in the group of 6 ‘outsiders’ within this company. The upcoming weeks, there’ll be a lot of changes in our small group, as Mike C leaves and Mike W and Ricky arrive… And this change, has been bringing changes into my own living situation too.

I’ll backtrack to Monday the 28th: my birthday. I was sitting a coffee shop, gazing out the window, writing and wondering… Hummmm… What’s happening in my life? And suddenly the idea I’d been toying with, was something I had to follow through… I’m talking about the idea of moving! Not moving country, but just moving house.

Whops… where did that come from! Niamh, weren’t you so happy with your new roommate? Don’t you and Matt get along great? Isn’t it close to perfect, living in the spacious and luxurious apartment you’ve been given? Yes, yes and yes, is the answer to these questions. But but but… There were some developments in regards to the book that led me to feel the apartment in Manhattan isn’t really the place for me…

Speechless

Thursday evening. Since Wednesday morning, which was only yesterday but feels like forever ago, everything has been hunky-dory. And today is probably the first day I feel settled. Or not so much settled, but maybe totally sure of where I am... if that makes any sense.

I changed location 2 days ago. First I was staying at a hotel, which I thought was the "bomb". When I was told me and the trainer, Anjana, were going to be moved, I had geared myself up for it be "squaller". But I couldn't have been more wrong. Wouw.. It's a villa they call it, in Indian terms. But really it's an apartment and more than I could even have asked for. I have my own room, en-suite, tv, kitchen, sitting room.. So so great! Me and Anjana, who teaches us each day, will be staying there for the remainder of the course. She's from Calcutta, and, even though she's never been to Cochin before either, has almost taking me under my wing. It's so sweet. We're like a pair.. Each night we walk down these crazy streets amongst the tooting cars, the overloaded buses, the shabby scooters, the barreling trucks.. We walk but cannot talk..it's too loud, too dangerous almost to forget about the traffic and to stop paying attention, even if it's only for a few seconds. It's something I really have to get used to: crossing the roads! Not an easy task I can tell you!

There are so many little things that amaze me.. They are all so minor but added up they can be a lot, but not overwhelming either.. This is my day:

I wake up in the morning and have a massive big smile on my face. It's usually around 6 am and already the tooting has started and the trucks are barreling and that's all so fine.. I smell of mosquito-repellent as I've smothered myself with it the night before. The fan is blowing and it's muggy but still I sleep with long sleeves, just to protect myself from bites. And it's all so fine. The bed is so short, as the average person in India is small. I fit in so well. I then do yoga and some affirmations. As I still adjust to this crazy life, I find strength and stability within, as it will set me up for a fantastic day and lets doubts or fears so far from my mind. And my day continues to be fantastic. I get picked up by Shareef to go to the course. I feel like I'm being chauffeured. I feel privileged as suddenly I'm in the middle of the tooting, shouting, chaos. There are women knocking on the window of the car begging for money. But I ignore and sit on the backseat and observe the world that I once only knew from the movies and from television. I was now in that world and as I'm observing them, this world is also observing me, as I'm the only white person in sight. We are both slightly shocked by the sight of each other..

Class starts and me and my peers are all like children again. All adults but so eager to learn and to find out more about the world of teaching English. For hours I forget where I am. Until a truck rushes past and makes the building we're sitting in, shake..constantly! Then I remember.. wouw this is India. I sit amongst these 7 women who are dressed in these beautiful traditional clothes, with their Hindi's between their eyes. So beautiful. And the tea-lady who comes in every hour, asks me: "What happened to your skin? Why like this?" She wants to know why I am fair and have freckles. I say it's normal and smile at her innocence. I speak with people and they agree with whatever it is I ask or say and they bob from side to side to give approval. It's not nodding, but it's different. Again it makes me smile. The English they speak with their crazy accents, reminds me of characters from Eastenders (those who are familiar..remember Sanjay and Geeta??!!) and I feel all fuzzy inside each time - and that's not because it reminds me of Eastenders by the way, but because it's India!!

For hours I forget what's outside. And that's fine. It makes the process of adjusting to India, all the more easy. I sit and am amazed I made it here and am doing this. I tell myself I am in the middle of creating so much. And I'm not alone. I have this country at my feet; If that's what I want..
I'm only here 4 full days, and already I can feel a change. I feel like I've grown, just by getting myself to this place. So no matter how I feel or whatever happens, it's already amazing.. For now, I'm speechless again - it's not the first time it's happened since I've been here.. I'll leave on that note!

A temporary home has been found

A week in Cairns..and what a week it's been. Sometimes I can't quite believe my luck. So much has happened, and it's all so so good. On my last update, I had just met Cora and Janice. It was our first day together, we had only just met each other, and were obviously still finding our feet. The 3 of us were so excited, and were already so keen to get things sorted here in Cairns, that on Thursday, we randomly came across a number of an agency that deals with housesharing. Housesharing can be compared to living in studentaccommodation. We were so certain that we wanted to be in Cairns, find and job and settle for a while, that when we rang the number and were told to come round to the office to check out what rooms were available, we didn't have to think twice. Just like we didn't have to think twice, when we they offered us a twinroom, in an apartment with 6 other girls. The rates were cheaper than staying in hostels, we'd have a clean house, we'd have privacy... what more could we ask for? The rooms were available from Saturday, so we grabbed our chance.. Our chance to stay in a place as beautiful and lively as Cairns. Me and Janice instantly clicked, so I didn't doubt that living with her was all I wanted. So, within an hour of ringing the number, we had a home!! I couldn't believe it.. I was only in Cairns 24 hours and already I had a base for at least the next 4 weeks (we had to commit to staying in the apartment for that length of time, which wasn't an issue for me), and I was sure to be sharing a room with an amazing girl...

We couldn't believe all that was happening. So much, in no time at all.. We had 2 more nights at the hostel, before moving house. We had an absolute ball; living the hostel life to the max, and not caring about anything, because I knew that it was only temporary. We partied a little, and talked a lot. Cora, the Irish girl who we met at the airport too, was staying in the hostel for another week, before moving into a share house too. Everything was falling into place and being around backpackers again, after being with Jason for 2 months, wasn't any hassle at all. Their all drunken English and Irish girls and boys all over the place, so I was able to fit in well with it all, and not be too annoyed, all because of the move that was going to take place on Saturday.

Saturday was our day.. We got to the house, and the space was enormous.. Especially after living out of a van, with no space at all.. It was amazing. So what is the set-up like? It's like no where I've ever stayed before in my life. It's around a 15 minute walk from the Esplanade and the lagoon (a free man-made lake (with sand and everything) open to the public everyday of the year), and from where everything happens.. We have everything in this apartment.. luxuries I'd forgotten that existed: a sitting area, a big kitchen (where nobody steals the food). We have 6 other girls who we share with. They are all around 20 years old, and students. They are all so quiet, and it's all so clean.. We even have a cleaner!! We have a tv.. WITH TV CHANNELS!! (I must have sounded like a right wolly..or a proper bushman..when I asked if the tv has channels..my god..what's happened to me!!). We have a wardrobe and I actually unpacked my backpack (I put it under the bed, and was so excited, because I knew the next time I take it out and use it again, is when I'll be moving on after having lived another chapter of this journey, and I'll be so much richer with different experiences and new people in my life..how excited I was).. We have a desk in our room. We have clean sheets, we have a bedside table!! We even have a pool and a bbq area in the garden, which we share with 3 other apartments in the same complex.. We have palm trees in our garden, we have a dinner table, we have a clean fridge that will keep our fruit and veg fresh, that we get from the huge market that takes place 3 times a week and where everything is "cheap as chips".

There was so much to take in on Saturday, that it was overwhelming. But at the same time, as I sat at the dinner table that night writing, it felt like I'd been there forever. It felt like home straight away. Going from a van, to a set-up like this, is huge.. But all so natural at the same time. Me and Janice are like I don't know what. Every night, if we aren't out, we're up talking for hours, whispering to each other in the dark, giggling like little girls and then falling asleep and feeling so high on life.. This is the feeling I got on Saturday and Sunday night when I went to sleep, in my brand spanking new bed, with the clean sheets and a proper duvet.. It was amazing.

On Sunday we were settling in even more and by Monday afternoon, as we went to visit Cora in the hostel and drank wine from 3pm onwards before going to a bbq on the Esplanade and meeting other travelers, we were referring to the apartment as our home.. What an amazing feeling it was.

Today is another day, a day to maybe start the search for a job.. The next thing that I'm eager to sort. Seeing as it's raining (tropical rain I might add, the kind that feels sticky, and makes the air smell like it's a summers day.. because it always is..and it's delicious!!), I'm gonna sit here and sort it out. There isn't really that much around at the moment, when it comes to work, but where there's a will, there's a way. There simply is no question about it.. Because I'm here now, I have a home, and work is what I need if I wanna keep on living the dream. But even without work, the dream won't end, because the dream is my life. Also being around Janice I'm being reminded of my dream and it's been reawakened, if it might have temporarily gone to sleep. Not that I feel it did go to sleep, but being around someone who has the exact same dreams as me gives them, and therefore me, the energy I was might have been seeking. It's amazing. I love this city, I love this life, I love this day..