Yoga calling

Finally I feel I’m making a breakthrough, where yoga is concerned. Yes, gradually, over the past weeks yoga has been getting more and more… hummm…. what should I say… deep and revealing?! It’s actually huge for this breakthrough to be happening so fast and so passionately, seeing as though I’ve been doing yoga on and off for years. So this is really exciting… 

I started doing yoga when I was in Australia, back in 2007. That’s when I first picked up a yoga book and decided to make myself flexible! I knew nothing of the depth, nothing of the power than can be brought to light when the body is harmonized and balanced (regardless of how flexible a person is). My immature ignorance aside, I knew I wanted to become a yoga teacher and wanted to get training. But instead I thought it wouldn’t give me stability. So I practised by myself. Then I stopped for 6 months in 2008, which was probably the longest stretch since first picking up the yoga book in Australia. But the passion to practise never left and I restarted in 2009. From then onwards it’s been a journey of ups and downs; at times I slacked; at times my days would feel incomplete without saluting the sun; at times it was only a once-a-week treat; at times it was a twice-a-day chore (in the ashram in India where I pushed my tiresome body to its limits). So, the longing never left and since leaving China and heading to India in August, my practice has deepened.

In India I wished to be indulging in everything revolving around the yoga lifestyle. I wished to be gaining experience and to be devoting my days to learning the art and EVERYTHING it entails. But I felt I couldn’t. Because I went to India THEN for the purpose of teaching English and NOT for learning more about yoga and becoming a teacher. I felt as though I couldn’t expand my yoga practice and get certified, because my focus and energy had to go into teaching of English that I’d committed myself to doing. At that stage, there was only so much of myself to go round! I didn’t have the energy to do both. And whenever I do anything in life, I want to dive in and put my whole heart in it, so my heart went to the schools. In terms of yoga, I restricted myself to only doing a 10-day stay at the ashram and afterwards I kept my focus on the teaching of ENGLISH and I left the notion of the yoga training for what it was: a dream never to be realized….???!?

I happily continued to practise by myself. This was actually quite an amazing experience. I was teaching English by day but every morning I’d wake at 4.30am. I’d meditate for an hour, then Lekha (the lady I was staying with) would get up and we’d do yoga together on a bamboo mat on the kitchen floor. Amazing memories :) 

Since being back in Ireland the lifestyle is of course so different. I’m not up at 4.30am anymore! This was actually something that really got to me when I first came back; I wanted to be up at the crack of dawn every day! But I just couldn’t… Here in Ireland (and everywhere else in Europe) 4am is the middle of the night! It took me a while to be at peace with the fact that I wasn’t naturally waking at that hour anymore and that 6.30am is more ‘suiting’—especially if it’s rare for me to be in bed before 11pm. When I was getting up at 4.30am, of course I was in bed by 9pm—sometimes earlier. Anyhow, change of lifestyle DRASTICALLY… But one thing has remained: yoga (and meditation).

When I first came back, I really didn’t want to let it slip. I thought it would be inevitable—seeing as though the daily routine is so different. But because I made such a point of NOT leaving my yoga practice behind in India, it’s now a part of my days! And I can’t begin to say just how much I’m benefitting. It’s like it’s opening up a whole world for me, more so than ever before.

After morning meditation I come downstairs, in set up my mat in the living room, I close the door and I start. Some mornings I’ll contemplate NOT doing it (I know it’s also good for the body to have a day of rest.) But I can’t NOT do it! It’s like I’m going against something if I don’t start the day in poses. Sometimes I’ll make excuses to justify why I WOULDN’T give myself that hour of stretching and balancing. And even when I’ve justified it, I still find myself walking downstairs, picking up the mat and going in to the living room! I let go of control and it happens! It’s brilliant to experience this… because once I’ve done only half of the first sun salutation, MAN am I peacefully ecstatic that I chose to NOT give my body a day of rest!

Doing the yoga at this point in time, is teaching me more than it’s ever done. I know this is because I’m indulging in it, wholeheartedly. I’m appreciating the practice and I’m NOT doing it just for the sake of it! Every morning I feel as though I’m preparing myself for something. And it won’t be long before I’ll  need to SHARE what I’m learning with others; as I’m teaching myself I’m also wishing to be teaching others. And this can only lead to getting properly certified and gaining experience so I can pass it on.

In India, on several occasions, I’ve come close to starting a training course, but each time I’d let something else steer me away. Usually it would be something offering me security in this world, but not offering me half as much satisfaction as I’d gain from learning the depth of this art. Because it’s not only poses and stretching; it’s a way of life. I’ve known this for so long, but only now I’m TRULY learning it! I’m truly feeling that it’s a way to balance life and to be focused. It’s a way to access energy, to gain physical strength and to release negativities. It’s a way to respect the physical body and to feel comfort inside it. It enables one to treat it kindly and to feel its limitations as well as its expanding potential. It’s a way of thinking, a way of eating, a way of breathing…  And it offers a personal journey that unites one’s truth with the surrounding world. And those who wish to serve, teach and connect with others can pass on the ways in which to practise this art and to experience this journey. It’s quite amazing.

So, I know the time will come and I’ll get to share. It’s going to be an inevitable flow if I continue to give yoga my energy and devotion on a daily basis. Hummm… It’s quite exciting. A dream I’ve always had, but never felt I was allowed to experience. I never felt I deserved to unite and respect my body to such an extent. But releasing this LIE is a part of my own personal journey. And, as I reflect on how life has progressed over the past years and months even, I see how dreams never remain unrealized when we believe wholeheartedly in what we’re pursuing. And this too will come about—whenever and however it’s intended. I’m just going to continue as I’m going, loving what I’m realizing and I’ll see where it leads. How exciting.

Always moving forward

Today I’m only realizing that I overcame the biggest fear of my life, by stepping away from India and moving towards Ireland…I shouldn’t have been scared though, because there was indeed a life waiting for me… And it took off in full flight, as soon as I landed… Hence my reason for not once having wished to still be back in that land of beauty, contradiction, chaos and love: that amazing India. Not once have I wanted to return. Not once have I regretted overcoming that fear. And now I’m astounded by the rewards a person can receive, in terms of rich fulfilment, when they permit themselves to do work that resonates with the purpose of their life. The energy that emerges is mind blowing.

I’ve no desire, at this moment in time, to start moving away from Ireland. Asia isn’t drawing me. Am I eagerly waiting to start feeling the pull towards that part of the world, or any other part for that matter? No. Because I don’t want to leave yet. It’s simple. If it happens, it happens. I won’t push it away, but I needn’t wish for it to happen either. If and when I'm meant to travel, it will be.

I’m living such a different life and I’m learning there’s a time and a place for everything. At the moment, I know I’m not meant to be surrounded by hundreds of children, all wanting a piece of me. Instead I’m to dream of them and to wake-up in the morning, humming their daily chants. I’m then to feel gratitude for having had that experience and having met those children. I’m not meant to be in climate that makes me sweat but I’m meant to be feeling the chill in the wind and excitement almost for what the Irish weather will do. My body is not in need of coconut curries but instead it requires boosts of energy that’s sourced from just about every food group that’s available.

The beauty in this change is that I’m not searching for ways to escape Ireland. When I came back, I thought this period would be very much the same as the time I was here in 2010, whilst writing the book. But, man, how wrong was I! It’s so different! Back then, I was constantly wishing to be elsewhere, even though I enjoyed my time here immensely. But I needed to move TOO! I remember to have had times, when I’d step outside the front door of my home here in Arklow, and I’d wish, with all my heart, for the world around me to be India. I wished for the weather to be hot, for the cars to be rickshaws, for the people to be foreign, for the language to be Hindi… I wished so deeply to be in the Indian world and thought that by visualizing this Irish world to be their world, I’d lift myself up out of Ireland and magically land myself in India! This is ‘seriously’ how desperate I was to keep travelling. As I’m typing this, I can’t believe that I actually thought that would work! ;)

Without wishing to be anywhere else, there’s movement in my life, more so than there was when I was in China or India. I’m moving due to the fact that I’m integrating what I’ve learned and appreciated most whilst I was in India, into my daily life here. So I still meditate twice a day and I practise yoga and I love every minute. I don’t let the opinions of those around me influence what I do from day to day. The yoga and meditations keeps me learning, moving, accepting and flowing. And each morning, after practise, I start writing. I process, I observe, I reflect. I sit, I drink tea and I journal. Then I sit some more and I work on what needs to be prepared or edited for the publisher. Then I go downstairs for a re-fill, I nibble, I munch and I continue to sit and email those who I can share my ‘mindful’ adventures with. This is my social part of life, however sad that may sound; connecting with friends and travellers through email. I'll always find it’s the way to keep the channels with the world open and I then also connect with a different part of me. It’s quite amazing.

I do realize how lucky I am, to have all of these things in my life and to have my days filled only with things that benefit me, on a whole. At the same time, I know how beneficial it will be once I get to start passing it on to others. So it’s work, not only for me, but for everyone who is willing to absorb themselves in whatever it is I’ve created or still wish to bring about.

Will I go back to teaching? Who knows! But what I do know is that I can’t turn away from the direction my life is heading for, as this process of publishing and writing unfolds. I have to keep going with this flow, no matter how different it may be from the Indian lifestyle I was living up until a short few months ago. There’s no point in clinging to that part of me. I’ve let go remember! Meaning: no holding on… we only hold on when we fear what will happen if we let go. And seeing as though I’ve already overcome my biggest fear (which was stepping back into Ireland and giving writing the priority in my life)… there’s not any other fear that will ever hold me back or to steer me away. I have to keep on letting go and trusting, trusting, trusting and trusting some more that all is well. And the feelings I had today, simply whilst sitting in the local coffee shop, drinking a cappuccino and journaling, were confirmation enough that all in more well than well could ever be!

08-02-2012 ...To find the courage

The past 2 weeks or so, teaching has been painful at times. This is because I simply can’t do my best. My energy is going into something else. How can I be satisfied with what I’m doing, if I know the job isn’t giving me the chance to excel as a person? Because I feel there’s so much more life inside of me… and teaching isn’t giving me the outlet. Man oh man, even the past few days I’ve actually been having an aching heart, dizzy spells and I’ve been drained. It’s very strange. This work doesn’t feel as real anymore and I honestly feel as though I’m waiting to finally start doing the proper work; which is work that will serve others as well as myself.

My writing moments force me into another world where I hope to find answers, to find clarity, to find strength… Sometimes I think I’ve found it: I think I’ve found the courage to follow through and take the risk and stand up and just to be REAL and to be MY SELF. Sometimes I think I’m doing it: I’m standing strong and being myself by simply speaking my truth and not pretending. Sometimes I think I’m faking it; I’m not really writing (because there is no book I can touch) and I’m not really teaching (because there are no lessons that are properly being taught), I’m not really traveling (because I’m stationed in the one spot).

Do the feelings I’ve been having towards school mean I no longer want to teach? No they don’t. They just mean that, AT THE MOMENT, I can’t teach properly. And being the witness of this is hurting me. Yes, that’s it. I want to sit and write a book, and I’m hurting for not being able to AND I’m hurting because the teaching is suffering as a result. But of course, I love my students, I love it when I’m fully focussed, I love it when I’m in a school environment… I love so many things about teaching… but the love for something else is growing stronger.

How bad can this all be? Really it’s not. I accept this experience and I need it. I need to go through this present period of transition, this shift. Because going through this change, whilst being here in India, only means the work will happen faster and with no effort at all… It will happen so soon; it will become real once I’m lifted onwards to the next place. So I’m grateful for it all. I don’t wish for my Indian time to end, I don’t wish to say goodbye to the kids and the school. It will happen either way. This change has got nothing to do with India. It just so happens that I’m going through it in one of the places I love so much. The change, instead, has got everything to do with me and writing; it’s not about location.

In regards to the job; the circumstances right now aren’t permitting me to continue teaching, which probably is a blessing (if this aching heart is anything to go by). The visa relieves me from this job and the publisher pulls me towards a new one. The publisher is coaxing me to be what I need to be. So what’s the problem, you’ll be asking yourself. It’s my fear of my geographical location being a reflection of the person I am. How can I forever be the traveler, if I permit myself to sit and write?! Am I traveling now though? Isn’t traveling the same as moving? I’m not physically traveling anywhere, I’m not moving… I’m creating my own world, is one of the most tropical places in India! So that raises the question: what is traveling anyway? Living in a country that’s not your own – whether you’re on the road or have set up a home? Or is it ONLY physically moving from one place to the next, which could just as easily be done in your native country? That’s something for I could ponder for hours…

Anyway, my fear has always been that Ireland would stop me from traveling and I’d become imprisoned. And now, my book (either the first or the second) is slowly pulling me home, and I’m giving way to it. I want it to. But at the same time, I’m terrified.

Right now, I have to trust in the uncertainty of life. I can’t make concrete plans, I can’t promise people I’ll be here, there or yonder. I can’t promise myself I’ll be here, there or yonder. All I can do is make a promise to myself that I won’t ignore what I know I must do. I won’t let my fears stop me. They will try, of course. It’s normal. But life is too short for them to hold me back and this is the only time to live and to make a difference in our own lives as well as the lives of others.

08-02-2012 By the roadside she stood...

So, Kayamkulam school; once again it’s nearly time to bid the kids and the teachers farewell. Everyone wants me to stay; even the principal and the other senior staff members (which took me very much by surprise). There’s talk (again) of getting me a more permanent visa. But I don’t know if it’s possible. And I don’t know if I want one.

Things have changed so much ever since I heard the news of my book getting published. My mind has been gearing itself up for such a different direction and for the past 4 weeks I don’t know HOW I’ve actually been able to keep my focus on the classes I’ve been teaching. And for this reason, I’ve felt like the bad teacher; not giving my 100% due to my mind being elsewhere. And, I also must admit, I’ve felt the strain quite a bit – of being here in body but elsewhere in mind… and partially in spirit.

I see how I’m pushing myself away from this job, either with or without willing to… How so? With every chance I’ll be getting and every moment of peace I’ll be having, I’ll be placing myself in my own little bubble of writing, analyzing and creating; so clarity will come… It’s become such a habit that I’ve started to become scared I’ll waste time and loose moments of writing in between classes or at break time. I’ll be scared that something amazing could’ve been written down, in moments when I’ve been sitting (or standing) and waiting for something to happen (which is a normal part of life in India… haha).

Just to give you a small example of how my days are starting to evolve: every morning when I’m waiting for the schoolbus to pick me up – so as to avoid wasting 5, 10 or sometimes 15 minutes of precious time - I’ll stand by the roadside, not impatiently looking in the direction from where the bus is supposed to arrive, but instead with my tiny notebook and pen in hand and I’ll be writing small notes… At times I think this looks bonkers. The same villagers who pass by day after day see me standing there at the same time, day after day, doing the same thing: putting something in that tiny pink little notebook… But what do I care what these villagers think of me – because the only thing that matters is that I don’t let those thoughts slip! And in their eyes, I’m a freak either way, because I’m different with or without my notebook that lets me escape into my own space.

It sounds very much like I’m off on another planet and to be honest I have been, and at the best of times I still am. It’s because of this shift that’s happening and I can’t go against it. Since hearing of getting published it’s like I’m coaxing myself away from teaching and encouraging myself to think bigger than before. All these precious notes I’ve been taking, as I’m standing on the side of these small village roads, are telling me that I have to stop being scared of failing. I have to stop torturing myself…

Continuously, for the past year, all I’ve wanted to do is write. I’ve written about it extensively for months and months, in my journal. Sometimes I’ve wondered just how much I could’ve created FOR OTHERS TO READ with all the energy I’ve put into my journaling… And this is not the first time it’s happened. Before I wrote my book, I went through the same thing: writing about writing... And I’m doing it again! Maybe I’ll always be writing about writing, whether I’m writing a book or not… because even when I finally did start writing my book, I was writing about what I was writing… Man oh man… I seem obsessed…

Anyhow… back to the point I’m trying to make (if there is one). I’ve been teaching for a year and what I’ve been wishing for, is to be writing. It’s increased since I heard my biggest news of course. Before that I was able to contain myself, I pushed it away. Especially because of being in India and for being ‘handed’ the teaching position; which was the main thing that brought me back here.

But now, the urge is rising again and I’m forcing myself to move onwards and to take another risk. I feel the teaching option is the safe route… I know I can have a job if I really want it. I know I could be ‘safe’. But if I were to head in that direction, at this stage in the game, I wouldn’t be happy. The reassuring thing about teaching is that I know I can make it happen, whenever I want and need it to. It’s one of the many things I learnt in China. And, if the time is right and the writing has been given preference, THEN I can let myself get absorbed in the teaching, without feeling as though I’m turning my back on something far more important. But at this moment in time, I’m not absorbed in the teaching even though I’m teaching. Other stuff is rising.

So, one last short note on choosing the ‘safe’ option: it can happen when writing has been done. Does this mean writing doesn’t feel safe? Sitting down to create doesn’t feel secure? It doesn’t when I take the economic climate into account or how the ‘world’ would say I’m mad for not choosing financial stability.

In regards to MYSELF, writing and creating feels like the closest I can get to being me… it feels the closest I can get to being real… it feels to be the best work I can do in this world and it feels to be the way I can give the most to others. So, within myself, I find extreme security if I’m working on a book. So why would I say it’s unsafe and unsure? Why would I fear it? Because it’s an unknown route and an unknown world within me that can be brought to life…

I have no clue how it will all turn out, but there’s not a doubt in my mind that I can’t do it.

A face full of happiness

This is where I now stand (or sit): On a stool with a full belly of fried rice, sweat dripping down my back, a jug of warm cumin water beside me and glasses on my nose that are sliding down my face. It’s 20.18pm on the 5th of Feb and I just spent the weekend at a friends house (Riya). This was the second time for me to visit her and her family, during this visit to India. I went in October to say ‘hi’. And now I went to say ‘bye’. It’s one of the last weekends here in India and by going to her place, I managed to spend it in a most traditional Indian manner; once again by being welcomed into a home with 4 generations so as to be given MORE, MORE and even MORE than I needed. Unlike other times, I didn’t feel overwhelmed; I knew what to expect and I also knew it would be the last time… so I appreciated it more. And instead of feeling it all to be too much, I just felt so lucky to be there. I realized, that for no reason whatsoever, these people treat me like one of their own…

When I was leaving, I was asked more than 20 times, when I was coming back to stay for good. I wasn’t being asked IF… no… I was being asked WHEN… and all I could answer was: ‘I don’t know’. And even when giving such uncertainty, they were still sure to tell me that WHEN I come back, I have to bring the WHOLE FAMILY with me… mother, father, sisters… everybody! ‘Bring them all Niamh!’ I love it when they do that, it’s so innocent and sweet, because in reality, there’s no room for the whole family to stay! Just as well I’d never follow it through and never take the offer seriously; they’d be in for quite a shock! This family actually isn’t the only one who has invited ALL OF MY FAMILY… nope, nearly every family I’ve visited in the past 5 months (I can’t tell you how many) has said the same thing. It just shows how big their hearts are; even if their cute homes aren’t…


On the note of Indian hospitality, I wrote an article about it last year, when I was back in Ireland. It got published on an internet travel magazine. When I left Ireland for China I made a copy of it and put it in my portfolio along with some other articles. I traveled with it thinking I might need it along the way. And last week, I opened up the folder and saw this article again about Indian hospitality. When it was getting published, I added some pictures I’d taken in this school in Kayamkulam, back in 2010. One was taken with a teacher who is still at the school now. So I showed it to her last week and her reaction was one I didn’t expect. She said she felt privileged and honored that I chose her picture… when really I felt this particular picture so dear to me, because it reflected an amazing time that I was able to share with people who had never been in touch with India before.

Also, when I was writing this article and choosing the pictures, I never thought I’d ever be sitting with that particular teacher again and showing her the piece of work. But it happened only a few days ago; I sat and reflected on the experience I had in 2010 in regards to hospitality, with a teacher who I then was quite close to, and still am, as a result of the time we spent teaching together. How crazy it is, the way we can come full-circle, without any plan or intention. Suddenly chapters that were left open can feel more complete.

This article shows the people who I have great memories with, that these ‘short’ experiences DO have an everlasting impression on me. People I’ve become close to in India (and China also) have said many times, that I’ll forget them once I leave… and then comes their subtle request for me to come back. I’d always reassure that I’ll never forget the time we spent together. However the question will always remain, if I do or don’t come back. Nothing planned and if the circle is left open, a time will always have to come, for it to become full.

By the way, just to add to the whole ‘hospitality’ thing; I’ve experienced that side of India in a different way than last time… last time it scared the life out of me and I didn’t want to fully appreciate it and I kept a subconscious distance (something I’m only seeing now, as I compare both experiences). This time, I didn’t have much choice but to engage because I was living with Lekha for 2 months – the most caring woman in the country – and because of the people here in the hostel as well as at school, they do more than their best to provide me with more than I need. From October onwards (which is when I moved in with Lekha) I first worked on getting passed the fear of their giving and caring nature, then it became nourishing, homing, still occasionally frustrating with small touches of annoyances – and I mean that in the nicest way possible!

This is a topic I could go on and on about, but I’ll keep that for a later date. Let’s just say that I needed such a homing feeling and such nourishment. And judging by what those around me are saying, it’s done me the world of good. Because all I hear is how the Indian food, the climate and their life style, along with the school environment, have filled my face with colour, with healthy cheeks and with happiness…

Pondering Freedom

I’m learning to change my way of thinking by telling myself; if a job doesn’t appear, then nothing bad is going to happen, it doesn’t mean the end of the world or of my freedom… Freedom is created by the mind… just like imprisonment. We can barricade ourselves by the way we think, or we can free ourselves. Barricading is the easy way to go, and freeing ourselves is the challenge. I’ve never been shy of any challenge, so I choose to free myself. Because it then becomes irrelevant where I’m residing in the world.

For example: in the past I’ve been imprisoned in the one place on earth I believed would guarantee me freedom: India. Only months ago I was imprisoning myself by the way I was thinking… in the country I love so dear! On the other hand, I’ve been as free as a bird in the one country I believed I’d never feel happy: Ireland. Freedom isn’t through physical movement. The physical movement I seem to have ‘committed’ myself to, seems to be in aid of realizing this truth; that moving from one place to the next, doesn’t mean we are free. It will appear to the majority that we are, because people will only see the exterior actions, they’ll only see what’s happening on the outside; what the person is doing, where they are going and how they are moving. But really, it’s about what approach the traveler has towards the movement that will indicate whether or not a person is free.

To specify; if a person saw me 2 months ago for the first time and tomorrow for the second time, they would see no change. They still see Niamh, smiling, and loving life, in the same position; teaching in India. But, holy smoke, how wrong would their interpretation of my ‘unaltered’ state of mind and position in life be! If only they were to look inside, they’d realize the change that has taken place; the outlook of the world has broadened and the limitations have disappeared from my mind, and it’s been life changing. My approach towards movement, physically, is changing as the perception of the world changes around me.

Once upon a time, my movement was only to be on the road and to appear (on the outside) as being the traveler… even if I was imprisoned by a certain way of thinking. Now though, I’m moving to put this new piece of information into practice, I need to experience how it works: the fact that no matter how much or how little I move, freedom is created by the mind and I can never blame the outside world and my surroundings for the barriers that can exist between myself and the world.

When we tend to blame the people and society, that’s when we’ve lost touch with ourselves and we’re not strong enough – in our own truth – to speak this truth and simply say: ‘this place isn’t where I want or need to be right now’. If we’re in touch with our truth, we’d have the strength to witness barriers arising (that leads to unhappiness) and this would be giving ourselves ‘permission’ to wholeheartedly move on and to learn from the experience. If we witness either our instant connection with a place or our instant disconnection with ourselves (whilst being in a place), we then choose whether to stay or go, and we’ll carry out what we need to do in order to keep moving forward (either physically or not). And it will never be the wrong thing – because it’s ‘right’ according to OUR SELVES, our own truth. We’ll still have our freedom. And the place that we could’ve blamed for imprisoning us, wouldn’t damage us because we’ve take responsibility for our own mind and realized that the only thing that can damage us, as we move from one place to the next, is ourselves, if we’ve taken the ‘wrong’ approach (and by ‘wrong’ I mean: lying to ourselves and trying to convince ourselves we’re something other than we are).

So, the conclusion to this rant of freedom (I could type forever) is that I’m finally learning why I’ve been, and still am, so committed to traveling. As I’ve been moving, and blogging, and journaling, and meditating and spending so many hours alone, I’m in continuous reflection-mode. This means I’m learning all the time from the actions I’ve taken. And now it’s starting to make even more sense why I’ve traveled the way I’ve traveled. The depth behind my travels is changing… it’s not to see the touristy places, it never has been and it probably never will be. But it’s to find the real meaning behind the word freedom, and to be an expression of that word.

Man oh man, I could write a book… there’s so much movement in my life right now, just as I’m sitting on the laptop sharing my thoughts of today… this is amazing.

One last notion, in relation to the topic of freedom and ‘me-time’: Only this morning I met a young 19 year old girl here in the hostel, a student who lives nearby. We were chatting and she then wanted to know my ambition. I said: to be a writer… then I paused and said (shocking myself as I spoke): Actually, I already am a writer. She then said: ‘Ah… yes! because you are alone so much, you’ll always be thinking and thinking and then you need to write. Writers are always single and alone’. It was the strangest thing for somebody, a young girl who I’d only just met, to recognize this. She could see how and why a person devotes so much time to writing; the need to write is increased because of the ‘alone time’ I have; in this ‘alone time’ I’m learning everything I need to know, so I can write.

So, I’m a loner?! That doesn’t matter, not if these are the revelations that come to me, not if I’m becoming more conscious of what I’m doing and why I’m doing these things. Not if these breakthroughs are letting me feel as though this really is only the start of my journeys and ventures. I obviously needed to be away from western people for 4 months; here in India the language has given me some limits in regards to connecting with people around me, but it’s given me unlimited access to connecting with myself. Wouw… life is truly amazing… and how blessed I am to have these options, to have an open road… with or without a job to move towards, with or without an abundant stash of cash in the bottom of my backpack. I have many things that I can put my hand to in the world and whatever I’m meant to do next, it will happen.

Only 2 more weeks… I’m savouring this part of the journey so so much. School is great, lessons are flying (up and down all the time) and the coconuts will be probably be coming out of my ears by the time I leave… my body is telling me to eat more, because, once I’m gone, I’ll be surely missing the flavoursome coconut dishes.

Where to next?

Just a few thoughts… to mark the moment… The clock is ticking and where am I considering going, once the date to leave arrives? For weeks, even months, I’ve been thinking of Nepal. I have this vision of sitting at the foot of the Himalayas, with the snowy peaks in the background, writing a book. All swell, all flowing, and totally calm…without any worries. There’s also a Buddhist munk in this vision, by the way, who motivates me to meditate… Yay! ;)

It’s great to dream! But being practical is apart of travels too… yes, it can all (and most likely would) be amazing, but… it’s the end of winter, up in the north. For the past 8 months I’ve been in temperatures of around 30 degrees (my last 2 months in China were just as hot as it is here now, even if it was a different kind of heat). In Nepal it’s around 13 degrees at the moment, and that’s in the warmest and most southern place.

Hummm…. Still being practical (even if I would love to follow that dream): I’ve no winter clothes, I’ve no shoes, no socks, no jumpers… Nothing! I’m not prepared at all for a climate change that will lead to me changing the entire contents of my backpack – overnight! I’d need to go on a full shopping spree to cloth myself, up in Delhi before crossing the boarder… and then what to do with the clothes I’ve got? Dump them? Send them home? And then…? when I’m fully clothed and I stay for around 2 months, it will start warming-up again… And again, this will lead to a change in the contents of my backpack?! What a hassle… To add to that, I don’t even know if it will work out when I get there… I’ve done no research (no time) and don’t know where exactly to go. It might all be for nothing. I might not want to stay…

There are a lot of ifs, buts and maybes, with this upcoming move. Most will say these are silly reasons and are easily solved. Yes that’s true. But, considering I’m not really in the financial position to be country-hopping like there’s no tomorrow, I do need to be practical…

So, this led to me to think about finding a teaching job for 3 months; just one more teaching position before going home. I’ve been surfing online, looking at what’s available and it’s felt quite liberating… I don’t feel any pressure at all when I’m searching (since the news of the book getting published, my whole outlook has changed, and the world is even more open to me; everything feels so easy and light!). Yesterday I updated my cv. It’s been ages since I even looked at it and it was exciting to jot down the new teaching and travel experiences I’ve gained over the past year and a half. I even wrote a cover letter to send to different agencies. (As soon as I tear myself away from emailing and blogging, I should get on with that…)

As you can tell, for the past week I’ve been trying to find answers and ways to move. Options in Vietnam came up, then in Thailand, South Korea, Indonesia… and China, China, China. The amount of jobs I could have in a jiffy… is unreal (in China I mean). I must admit, I was tempted to apply. But after serious contemplation and with this recent shift of thinking, I can see and think further than China. If I were to go back, it would only be because it’s easy to get there. For no other reason at all. I’d be taking the ‘easy’ option – even if it’s a difficult country to live in, as a western. Thankfully I’m seeing so many more opportunities and if I really want, I can have another teaching experience before returning home in May. I have to believe it, if I really want it. And if I don’t fully believe, well then maybe it’s a sign that I, instead, DO want and need to sit somewhere - anywhere in the world - and write a book. Or maybe it’s a sign that I should go back to Ireland even sooner than May…

There were other places that came to mind… Sri Lanka, Maladives… and… Spain??? Where that notion came from, I’ve not got a clue. But it’s the only place I’d be willing to go in Europe, if there were a job. Maybe it’s because I could learn the language and then be guided onwards to South America… haha… where I’ll be able to communicate with the people, in my future fluent Spanish! Wouw… that’s really going ‘far’… I guess nothing is impossible!

The way I’m talking, anyone would swear I’m loaded with a stash of cash hidden in the bottom of my backpack. But really, this is very far from the truth. The main reason I can move and travel, is because of the jobs. Otherwise I’d not be able to do any of this. And, at the moment, if I want to keep moving, I have to have something of a job lined-up. Does it worry me, when it’s not yet happening? Like now, when I need to move, but the next step hasn’t been set and a job has not yet come my way? In the past I would’ve been worried, stressed and it would keep me awake at night. Now, hummm… of course it occupies my mind, and I over-think things, I contemplate and I wonder. But, I’m not scared that not finding anything will mean the end of my free moving and traveling. Right now, I’m actually excited to think that I don’t know where my next step is heading and I have to love the fact that I don’t know where my next pay check will be coming from.

So I shall ponder freedom....

Breaking news - concluded

So, we set a date on skype and one week later, we connect… only chatting (as in; typing back and forth, not actually talking, due to the bad connection)… I can see her, the video works, but she can’t see me… And the first thing I think when I see her: ‘wouw… how nice it is, to see an Irish lady!’ Man, I feel so at home… the ‘Irishness’ oozes off her! (at the moment the Irishness will ooze out of every Irish person I see, as it’s been so long since I’ve had any contact!) Yes, it’s great to feel homely, but I still don’t know why she wants to talk. She’s a business woman and of course I can rely on her to not beat around the bush and to get straight to the point… She wants to know if and when I’m game to do interviews and if I can be actively involved in PR. WHAT WHAT WHAT???

Thank god we aren’t actually speaking; so I have some thinking and breathing time in between the messages to give a proper and ‘professional’ response… Hummm… I’m confused and oh so stupidly innocent and blind. But also, I’m honest, so I tell her that I’m not sure if her positive feedback actually means she wants to work with the book. Does she actually want to publish???? And, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world, I get the response… ‘Yes, it’s a book that comes from the heart and tells real truth, which is how such a story should be told’. Again, I’m so lucky she couldn’t see me or hear me… because I sit behind the computer, in a stinking hot and dirty little booth with the fan blowing in my face, crying tears of excitement, joy and relief… wouw… she actually wants my book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The search is suddenly over and a new chapter in my life feels to open!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This happened last week Thursday. The conversation went on for quite some time until, after an hour, the power cuts and the computer shuts down. We got the chance to discuss some details and the most important being: she will write the contract and if we’re both comfortable with it, the publishing will start! I couldn’t believe it… that news gave me so many answers about my whole life… and where I’m going and what I need to focus on next. It’s unreal how everything suddenly fell into place without forcing anything! That’s always a true sign that these things are meant to be…

When our conversation ended… I sent my mother a text message to ring me on my mobile asap. I had to tell her first… this was the biggest news I’ve ever had, in my entire life! She called straight away… and I’m in tears, screeching down the phone that the publisher has accepted my ‘baby’! That news instantly made me speak the words that I’ll be coming home to do the PR and whatever else is involved. Wouw… End of Spring is when she would need to be in Ireland… and end of Spring is when Ma had hoped me to be back, because that’s also when my little niece Kayla is getting christened (and it’s turning into quite a big event). I didn’t think I’d be coming back for it… I hadn’t a clue what exact direction I was heading in, not until last week Thursday. The world has made the decision for me! And it all fits so nicely together. Perfect!

While I was chatting on skype and speaking with ma, I felt as though the world had temporarily stopped spinning. It’s hard to explain… it’s like when you receive devastating news, you can’t comprehend that the world and its people are still living their lives, as if nothing big has happened or changed. I felt this same feeling, but then not because of devastation but of a huge break through. After speaking with Mam, I stepped outside onto the busy street. I had this new piece of information and my life would never be the same again! However the man who is selling fruit, is still having his afternoon nap behind his stall and the shopkeeper next door, is still sitting in the same place as 2 hours previous… whereas I had just received the biggest news of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s so silly that I was thinking like this, but it just shows how big a thing this is for me, which sent me onto a cloud and this world around me, felt so unimportant… But life does continue of course, so on the way home, I stopped for some groceries in the local store, just to be asked my salary by the shopkeeper!!!!!
(Sorry, just had to share that tiny piece of info – as a reflection of how much people here wish to know about you!!!!!!!)

So, back on track… I wasn’t too sure what to do with this news… was I to tell others? Hummm… I only told ma on that same day… and the next morning I was going to tell some teachers who I’m close to at school, but once I arrived, I got absorbed in lessons and I didn’t even think about my big news. So I’ve not told anybody here, and only sent a few emails to the sisters and only now am I spreading it through this post. At first the news felt surreal, but now it feels more safe… if that makes sense. Even though I’ve not yet seen the contract and it’s still a verbal agreement. But I feel it’s okay to spread the news. Because it simply going to happen.

This news has brought a tremendous amount of excitement, relief and clarity and it’s answering many questions. These answers are opening up more doors than I could’ve imagined and it feels safe and secure to know that something is being done ‘out there’ with my book. I once feared I’d need to stop travelling in order to publish, but this news is proof that I don’t need to stop, it’s happening. It’s such a blessing and gives me enormous peace of mind and freedom. There’s no more feeling of neglect and I feel more able to focus on the teaching. This job feels more ‘right’ than ‘wrong’, now that the book is being published… that sounds so strange I know. But teaching always felt wrong, because of the ‘self-publishing work’ I otherwise could’ve been doing. But I don’t need to consider that anymore. Many things are making more sense. And I’m more inspired to start another book, without force and without fear of it being in aid of ‘nothing’.

So, I await her following email with good news and something in writing attached, so I can confirm that she will be bringing my writing to print…sometime in 2012. We will have to seal this deal! Until then, life continues as normal, I’ll plan my onwards travels, spend some time with the students and cherish this new beginning.

Breaking news

(Just a short note before you start reading this... At the moment, I can't find the time to tell the people I'm closest to this amazing news that I recently received. I can't find the time to personally send everyone emails. So please forgive me for spreading this news so 'massively' in one go. I'd have loved nothing more than to sit and type personal messages to all my closest family and friends... But for that I simply have no time right now. So, I'm sharing it through my blog, because I simply need to let you all know. I hope nobody feels this is too impersonal or is offended...)

At the moment, I’m still absorbed in teaching and in India. I have been ever since I took on this job. Occasionally, over the past 4 months, I’ve had short and intense panic attacks, whenever I’d think about the book I’ve written and that’s waiting to be published. Being here, in this teaching situation, has often made me feel bad for ‘neglecting’ the process of publishing. I’d feel guilty for the fact that the teaching has taken-over and that I wasn’t actively searching for a means through which I could get the book to the reader.

In October, when I had free time, I had a notion to set-up my own website so as to publish the book myself. That was during my time in Chennai. I worked hard to suss out what I needed to do and was eager to set things in motion… I was so desperate to share my story. After Chennai, what I’d hoped to do… I was unable. I’d hoped that I could teach daily and work on self-publishing in my spare time. But that never happened… Lack of time, lack of internet connection and, more importantly, lack of physical energy. I also felt it a shame to be diving into a world of books, when there was a whole different world to explore just outside Lekha’s back door. So I accepted the fact that I had chosen to teach and that I was only able to do so much. I’ve learned that when we try to focus on too many different tasks and jobs at one, the work we then do in all areas will never receive the right amount of energy and the quality will never be as high as when we put attention only on one task at a time. So I distanced myself from the job I’d put upon myself; self-publishing and I worked as hard as I could to teach the kids some English and to teach myself some teaching skills. All was working great… and it’s still ongoing.

But something changed as a result of a connection that seemed insignificant at the time. On one day back in early December, when I was teaching in Sasthavattom, I checked my email and received a message from Julie, a close family friend from back home. She told me about a publisher she’d personally met. She’d spoken to her about the book I’d written and this lady was interested in such stories. So Julie sent her contact details to me in that one very ‘insignificant’ email.

When I first read the email, I was startled… because I hadn’t actually considered approaching publishers, as I was going to (eventually, when time, energy and internet connection would permit) do the work myself. Also I was startled to think that on the other side of the world, close friends and family still remembered that I’d written a book and still supported my dream and my passion so much. Because here, in this environment, nobody has a clue of my passion (or they may know that I write, but have no idea how much it means to me) nor do they have a clue of my past… Here in my ‘little Indian bubble’ I’ve often forgotten just how much work I once put into writing that book… Except for days when the little panic attacks would hit and I’d be struck by a bout of desperation to get the book on the shelves NOW… then I’d be at a loss as to what to do… whilst being ‘stuck in my Indian bubble’. I had no clue how I’d get it out there…

So on that day when I got the email, I was startled, then excited and anxious. There wasn’t really anybody I could share this news with. Because, as I said, nobody really knew. In my mind I was racing ahead, thinking of where this new, and oh so random, connection could lead. But, as well, after learning from previous rejections by other publishers, I knew the chances of her liking it, were ever so tiny. And if she WERE to like it, the odds of her actually publishing it, were even slimmer. So I tried not to get my hopes up when I emailed the manuscript, after being so tempted to edit the whole thing just one more time or to at least read it, scrutinize it and scrap some ‘not so strong parts’. Thankfully I resisted temptation and trusted that if she was going to like the story, some editing wouldn’t stop her from wanting to work with it. So I attached it, wished it well and didn’t expect to be bedazzled at anytime in the near future. This all happened around 2 weeks before Christmas.

Then, 3 weeks into the new year, sitting in the internet café in Kayamkulam, this is what happens: I open my email and there’s one in particular that gives me flutters in my stomach. It’s from this lady, the publisher. At first I’m a little apprehensive to open it… but… I have to know what her thoughts are, even if she’s going to disregard it… I tell myself not to be struck down or disheartened by her rejection; it’s nothing personal, everyone will have a different opinion and all publishers and agencies are searching for a certain type of writer… it’s all part of the tough book publishing world.

However, fear shouldn’t be near! Because, there it is… for the first time since writing the book, I receive positive feed-back from somebody other than my family… Yes yes yes! Finally, some happy words about my book! She’s positive, she likes it a lot and feels it has a good flow and a sincere message to spread. The comment blows me away… and it’s followed by: ‘can we chat on skype?’ By this point, I have tears running down my face, but I don’t know what she actually wants to discuss. I simply cry for the fact that she likes it – whether or not it leads to anything.

What India can do - 2

But food isn’t the only topic. The other one is talking about how much I enjoy Kerala. Everyone wants to hear only praise about this southern state (I guess every person in the world is proud of where they’re from and will only want to hear outsiders speak highly of it). And the praise they wish to receive regarding Kerala is not only about the beauty of its nature, but also about the food (because it differs so much from the rest of India). So I give them the praise they wish to receive, because, even if I’m complaining a little, this place DOES deserve it. Really… and the sooner my time comes to leave, the more I’m seeing how gorgeous it is, how bright, green and light… Also the thought that in 4 weeks time I won’t have the regular taste of coconut in just about every dish I eat, saddens me a little. So I happily praise Kerala for its nature and food…

Besides being interested in food and Kerala, they’re so eager to find out my fathers name…! Hummm… sweet that they want to know this, but what does it matter what my fathers name is??? If I tell them Jacob, Anthony, Peter or (his actual name) Gerry… what difference does it make! They’ll still say: “wouw… how nice!” This just proves their innocence I guess. Then, after hearing his name, they want to know my mothers name, how many brothers and sisters I have, and what they are all doing… To make things less complicated and not to startle most people (about the fact that my sisters are living together with men and have babies, but AREN’T married) I tell them that all my sisters are married with beautiful children. And that always leads to them wondering (and sometimes looking at me in horror): ‘so…. If you’re sisters are all married, what on earth are you doing here in India, unmarried and ALONE at the age of 28??!!!!! Niamh, you must be so unhappy!’ (a few weeks ago I was even told I was an old spinster!!!!!) But I smile to it all and tell them I’m happy to be alone… and when I talk of how much I love to be in India and I love the food, they are relieved again… so the horror vanishes and a smile reappears.

Man oh man… the Indian ways can be so funny. If I’m on top of life, I smile at it all, and happily repeat the answers I’ve already spoken for the 100th time. But if I’m not full of the right amount of energy, I answer in a way that will keep the conversation brief and deep down I give sup and sigh… Oops! I don’t mean to offend anybody, by saying this but I’m just being totally honest here. Because it can be tiring at the best of times. Does it mean I think less of every inquisitive person I come across (which is actually every person)? No way! I probably appreciate them for it; they only want to get to know me. The ‘problem’ is that I can’t always give to them what they want and when I sup and sigh deep down, I know I’m in need of some kind of a break; either a break from being seen as the foreigner or a break from India. I’m not too sure.

I guess the reason I sup and sigh is because there’s no balance between real conversation and superficial talk about Indian food, my fathers name and my unmarried status. The only time I get to use my voice is to give my classes OR to answer such questions. So… this is what I’m lacking; a balance in the different ways we can communicate. The emails have been my saving grace, just like this blog, just like my journal – it gives me expression. But, no matter how much I love writing, sometimes a person needs to actually speak. And last night, speaking so freely, made a huge difference. To actually hear myself saying the words I’ve been writing about over and over again, was quite confronting and refreshing, all at once. It reconnects me with me, and with home, strangely enough… I’ll probably be doing it again soon! Yay! (how ‘sad’ that I’m excited by such little things…haha)

So, on that note, I’ll just add these freaky fleeting moments I’ve been having. On occasions I’ve looked at my hands and my arms and actually have been shocked by the whiteness of my skin. Sometimes I forget my skin colour is so different from those around me. I’m not an Indian, but I’m learning that the longer I surround myself only by Indians, the more I can feel to become one!!! Hahaha… But no… I’ve simply been absorbed in this lifestyle, and I’m grateful for it all, but now I’m coming out of it, slowly… Because the road is open and the world is at my dirty feet (with their black souls that I cannot properly - because of teaching in my bare feet everyday… it’s always nice to feel the earth beneath me, but tricky to keep them shining ‘white’…).

Either way, all is well, as you can clearly tell. A lot is happening and time is moving, as will I, shortly. I don’t know where just yet. Will keep you updated!

What India can do - 1

Last night, probably out of desperation (and totally unplanned) I was sitting in my hostel room and took out my camera and started filming. There’s nothing really exciting to see in my room, but I started anyhow. To make it more exciting, I started talking… and talking… and talking… Once I started, I couldn’t stop and before I knew it, I was having a full blown heart-to-heart with myself and the camera. I could have gone on and on for hours… but suddenly the camera blacked-out after 25 minutes… It just stopped and started beeping… and it said on the screen: battery EXHAUSTED! It was quite a funny moment: my talking had exhausted the camera… the battery didn’t simply need recharging… nope, it needed to recuperate…

Anyhow, this little event was a first for me. I’ve never sat and chatted to a camera, for no apparent reason, without having anything exciting going on around me. But it was probably out of desperation to talk freely. Over the past weeks I’ve been struggling with the lack of flowing and fluent conversations I can engage in, with the people around me. It’s almost impossible. Of course I talk… but most times I have to hold back, because they won’t understand… They either won’t understand my literal language – if I talk freely and flowingly – or they won’t understand what I mean. There are 2 different types of understanding when it comes to communicating. And with the daily connections I have, the conversations will be missing 1,5 of the understanding I ‘need’ from the listener if I wish to connect with this person or simply express myself, my thoughts, my days, my feelings.

I also realized that it’s been since the end of September since I’ve sat face-to-face with a western person who understands me fully. To speak without having to adjust my speech, is what I needed last night when I turned on the camera. And I did. Wouw… it was so nice. I could hear my voice, as though it was on the radio. I could hear my Irish accent, which I’ve had to lighten quite a bit, since teaching (they’d never understand me if I were to go into class speaking in a ‘broad’ Arklow accent – not that my accent was ever that broad… but you get my drift).

Anyhow, I was speaking freely and it was so nice. It was only babble babble babble… nothing of much significance, but it made me open up again. Because in my speech I’ve been limited. For weeks, or months even, I’ve only been speaking the same things over and over again to those around me (except for when I was living with Lekha, she was the only one I could speak freely with). People I meet in the street and teachers will ask the same questions all the time, because it’s the foundation of their English communication skills. And so, conversing has been mostly about what I’ve eaten today and yesterday… this will sound so ridiculous, I know, but it’s truly the main topic Indians can speak about and are interested in hearing when they come across a foreigner… And I must admit I’m tired of telling people what has passed through my stomach, EVERYDAY, at least 10 times over…even if they mean so well. I know it’s the Indian way, it’s their caring which is expressed mainly through the amount of food they can offer you and the amount that you can consume.

Annual day Mayhem 2

The overall show was a huge success. It was said by the managing staff from school as well as from the parents that it had been the best annual day so far – apparently because of one foreign teacher who came and spiced-up the program, with ideas that others – apparently – would never have come up with. At the end, I received so much credit. More so than any of the other teachers. But I didn’t feel it justified… not at all! Not when I look back at how differently I could’ve organized things. I guess those who praised me with such credit didn’t realize just how much I was kicking myself for not doing things differently and more controlled. All they saw was how well all my little stars did on stage... So credit I received I passed on to all of those little stars. Because they all did fantastic when the curtain finally raised and the time came for them to shine. I was so proud of them.

My last act was also the final act of the night. It was the yoga demonstration. All was calm, the audience was thinning and my stresses had vanished, as if by magic. Afterwards my group left the stage and suddenly everything was over, the school was emptying and the kids were going home, just before coming to say: ‘Happy journey Niamh teacher!’ How sweet is that!

And before I got the chance to yawn and take-in the fact that I wouldn’t be going back to that school ever again, I was sitting at Lekha’s kitchen table (the lady I’d been living with before) having a cup of tea before bed and excitedly discussing the whole event.

What a day… and I can’t believe how much I learned from the whole experience – so many things that I can now start applying in Kayamkulam school… because guess what… they too have an annual planned in the next few weeks! Ooohhhhhh…. And who will be teaching drama… it’s got to be me! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

For now though, as far as Sasthavattom school goes, my time is over. I won’t say I’ll never be going back. I’ll keep in contact with some of the teachers, especially Lekha – who I got quite close to over the months. She’s probably one of the people I got closest to, since arriving in India in September… Staying in her home again, felt as though I was returning to my Indian home…! So I’ll go back to visit before I leave, which will be pretty soon – because, even with all of the haste and commotions at the schools, time is still ticking and still I’ve a decision to make… where to go and what to do… keep you updated as soon as the answers come falling!

Annual day Mayhem 1

Saturday the 7th was the big day. The day I’d been working towards, since the end of October. Preparing, stressing, worrying, practicing and doing arts and crafts like never before… and finally the day arrived: Annual day!

I went back to the school in Sasthavattom on Friday (the 6th). I didn’t really want to go back for the festival. I don’t know why… it actually all felt like so much effort… ooops! Anyhow, I had to get on with it, whether I wanted to go back or not. Because my 4 ‘performances’ needed me - or so I was told by the teachers at the school who were eagerly waiting for me to come back.

Arriving at the school was everything I didn’t expect it to be. Once I got out of the rickshaw and walked towards the office, the kids all came running out of the classrooms, shouting my name, giving me hugs and telling me how much they’d missed me. They were handing me cards and pictures they’d been making for me… Man oh man. I never expected that at all. Quite overwhelming… I’d only been gone for 3 weeks! I guess I never realized how much they really DID want me back… or didn’t want me to leave in the first place.

This was on Friday. That was purely a day of rehearsals. I thought I'd be stressed out to get everything set for the following day. But I took off all the pressure and decided I wasn’t going to be pushing the kids anymore, for any kind of perfection in their performances. I’d done all I could, before leaving and however they now were performing and acting, was as it was going to be on the day – whether it pleased me or not. But they were doing brilliant! I could see during rehearsals that all the kids I’d been working closely with during my 2 months, had continued to work hard, whilst I was gone. They probably still remembered how much I’d been pushing them before I left… and how hard they had to work to please me… oops! But, then again, I mustn’t have been that bad or else they wouldn’t have welcomed me back with open arms.

Anyhow, enough about that… Saturday itself was many things… exciting, stressful, fun, long, tiring, and, most importantly, a day I’ll never forget. The show started at 3pm Indian time – meaning 4pm normal time (Indians are the worst time-keepers I’ve ever come across) and it went on until 9pm… 5 hours of speeches, dance acts, singing performances, demonstrations and (my) dramas. I didn’t get to see any of the other performances because I was either back stage, or on the stage itself, or announcing on the mic.

The mayhem around it all was huge… but the 1000 people in the audience (hopefully) didn't realize the chaos. To paint a picture of the commotion that was going on back backstage - as the show was in full-swing: 250 students spread out over only a few classrooms, all sorting their own costumes (but of course needing the teacher to do it for them), all in need of make-up, all as excited and nervous as can be and just as stressed as the teachers. Trying to keep them nicely contained was almost impossible, even with nearly 20 teachers to do the job. But it all worked out brilliantly.

I’ve never played such part in a show like that before. And to be honest, there were times when I thought all the work I’d put in over 2 months, was going to be in aid of very little… especially when last minute things didn’t fall into place easily and the audience of nearly 1000 people were sitting in their seats eagerly waiting for the curtains to rise and for their own little child to appear being the brightest little star of the school. Hummm… is it any wonder I was quite stressed at times and that when the stage manager would shout the question: ‘Niamh, is your act ready to go’, the only thing I could reply was ‘no’… (which had to be a ‘yes’… whether they my little stars were ready or not). Needless to say, my first 3 acts stressed me out to the max, and what made it worse was that I was participating too. This only meant I had more work. But things happened and it appeared all so smoothly to the audience… in the end, that’s what it’s all about.

The art of planning and travels

Making plans though, can be tough. I’ve told myself so many times, they shouldn’t be made, I don’t need them, and I can flow with life going from one place to the next, from one experience to the next. To travel so freely… isn’t that what life is all about? Well, I’ve learned that we can go with the flow… to a certain extent. But, no, it’s not only what life is about.

I know of travelers, and am quite close to some, who will always go with the flow. They DO plan, but the plans are always changing. Is this a problem? Not when the traveler doesn’t have to take a lot of practicalities into account – such as work and finances, visiting the family and fulfilling certain ‘duties’ simply for the sake of health and sanity. I’m not a traveler who DOESN’T have to take these things into consideration. Because I DO have to be practical. I DO need to have regular work lined-up… how else can I support myself? And, yes, of course I DO miss my family and I DO need to continuously work on myself, at the same time as giving priority to all these things that are important to me and my life.

I’m continuously reminding myself, as the time to move onwards slowly approaches, that making plans doesn’t have to take away my freedom. But past experiences have proved this to be true; going to China, I planned to stay a year, and was trapped, isolated and miserable (of course I don’t know if that’s because of the contract I had or the actual place and situation). But I’m getting somewhat scared of planning for fear of recreating past experiences. But I have to plan, because I have to move. Also, being practical keeps me in touch with the real world – otherwise I float too much and become disconnected from life. Plans can always change, and that too is fine… I don’t need to feel trapped by making choices and taking action. I don’t need to feel that I’m closing the door to so many other experiences, by giving priority to certain things in life. The things I do and the things that have my priority and therefore are my responsibility, are the things that make me happy… so why would I feel that plans and actions and practicalities will burden me, isolate me and stop me from moving? If anything, they will keep me moving and experiencing. And that’s what I want.

There’s another thing that offers me HUGE relief… the fact that I NO LONGER believe that I must do EVERYTHING NOW… By feeling that everything needs to happen asap, it can be almost impossible to feel a plan or decision is the right one. I’m learning though that this life is a journey that will be ongoing forever… And all the things I love to do in life will always be coming to me, at different times along the way, depending on what I focus on at that particular time. There’s a time and place for everything. And I can’t have and do and be everything all at once. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work!

Looking back on how I’ve been moving, I see that it will continue, if that’s what I want. So the experiences will still be had, they won’t happen all simultaneously… that’s impossible. But by focusing on what I love, they will come to me, eventually. All in due time… I’m only 28… I have all the time IN the world as I keep on moving THROUGH this world. So there’s no rush to do everything and there shouldn’t be any fear that making a decision will be the wrong one. Because, always, things will work out. I’ll always have work, because of being so lucky that I love teaching (even if I’m not properly qualified) and I’ll always have the support of my family, who will never force me to come back – even if they miss me.

You might be catching-on to the fact that, now that I’m at a point where my next 6 weeks are planned and the road after that is open, I’m somewhat afraid of taking the next step wrongly, or of becoming trapped, isolated and miserable. But, like I’ve already stated in this post, nothing will ever be wrong. I can change my plans, if it doesn’t work. Whatever I choose to do or wherever I choose to go, I’ll always have the power to change my circumstances – something I learned in China.

I guess what I’m trying to establish and set straight, once and for all… is that by making plans, I’m not imprisoned. But being a traveler, doesn’t guarantee that every move will be easy or that it will give me a sense of freedom. However the experience itself will always be needed, so as to learn that we CAN be free living, regardless of the country we’re in or the job we’re doing. We’ll also need that experience so we can move on to the next chapter and place – either weeks, months or even years after first arriving in a foreign place.

Man oh man…. All of this rambling, about freedom and travel… I should know by now that I don’t need to be on the move, just to have a free life. But old ways of thinking are hard to fully break away from. And it’s only natural, with the move on the horizon, for the past to be brought to the surface. And that’s fine. I’ll just trust that all is well and I’ll continue trying to put my words into practise as I slowly plan and gradually move onwards.

Something new

New beginnings. We all say it’s a time for new resolutions. It’s a time to better ourselves as we try doing things that will make out lives happier. But, I’m not going to suddenly start changing my ways. I’ve already been doing that and so I’m going to continue as I was before, always trying to learn life’s lessons, no matter what time of year it may be. It should always be a time to be conscious of how we live and of the reasons for our actions and the changes we wish to make and then to follow them through.

So, on that note… it’s January 1st. Is it a coincidence that from tomorrow onwards a new chapter starts for me? It’s the start of my ‘proper’ classes in Kayamkulam school. For the past 2 weeks, yes I’ve been teaching, but it was only to the small groups and the weaker students, also I’ve only been there for half days and simply warming up, meeting the kids and getting into the swing of things. From tomorrow onwards, a routine will start. I’ll be there full-time (6 days a week) with a proper schedule and I’ll be apart of the school – even if it is only for 6 weeks.

I’m happy to be here. I’ve settled into this spacious hostel – after having some ‘starting problems’ that became the cause of some mental turmoil. But hey-ho, I’m stable again and my health is back on track. So I’m willing to make the next 6 weeks into a new experience, even if it’s not the first time for me to be teaching in Kayamkulam.

For the past 2 months I’ve been hugely caught-up in ONLY the experience at Sasthavattom school, forgetting a lot about other things. So I never properly realized just how fast time is moving. But, now with more clarity and strength, I see that the next 6 weeks of teaching, could very well be the last time for me to ever be working in India. Because my mind has changed; I once thought I’d want to come back as soon as possible after I leave in Feb. But I’ve heard myself saying to most people, that I don’t want to come back or even try to renew my visa. Not anytime in the near future anyhow. This was quite a shock, when I heard myself say it to the owner of the hostel. It just flopped out of my mouth! What a turn around! To have gone from hoping I could stay a full year to now saying; ‘nope, I’m happily moving onwards…’ it’s quite big. I didn’t even sit and over think it… I didn’t need to, for some reason. I don’t even know when I decided. Just one day last week I said it and I didn’t feel sad nor did I feel to be insulting the Indians around me, by saying I was happy to leave their country! I’m realizing, that so suddenly it’s time for something new, a new place, a new experience.

Small change of plan

Change of plan and a change of school from next week. On Saturday the 17th I leave Sasthavattom, after 8 weeks of being here. Annual day, the big festival for which I’ve been teaching drama and yoga, has been postponed to the 7th of January. It was meant to be on the 19th (next week Monday) and I was meant to go to a school in Kollam after that date. But instead, I’m now going to Kayankulam before the Annual day performances. But I’ll be back just for the big day, in 3 weeks time.

The school I’ll be teaching at, from next week onwards, is the same school as last year. It’s actually the first school I was ever teaching for! I never thought I’d be teaching there again… and 1,5 years later, here I am preparing to be there for the remainder of my stay in India.

It’s almost like I’m coming full-circle. When I left Kayankulam last year, the school wanted me to stay, but I’d already made other arrangements so I travelled onwards and never thought I’d be back. Now, after travelling almost half way around the world, I’ll be finding myself in the place I started out. I wasn’t too sure of how I felt about going back, when I first heard the news a few days ago. Part of me wanted a new experience, a different school, a different town. But another part found it quite comforting and challenging at the same time. Comforting in its familiarity and challenging as I’ll be seeing myself in the same place, but with a different outlook and at a different stage in my life.

I must admit that lately I’ve been wondering if I’m somehow trying to recreate my past experiences. Witnessing a pattern of reoccurring places I visit throughout my travels is making me question why I seem to end up in most places twice (at least). For example Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, and now India. And each time I return, it’s always to the same route I follow! Is it that I’m trying to relive my past or is it that, in my past I didn’t take the time to fully engage in the country and its people - not in the manner I should’ve done? Am I drawn back to the same places so I can experience it ‘properly and wholeheartedly’? I think it could be for the reason that – when I first visit to a country - I either don’t take the time, I’m too distracted or I’m dealing with other stuff in my head, so I fail whilst trying to see clearly where I am and what I’m actually doing in life. And by returning to a place, I’m wishing to see the same place with the same people, buildings and environment, but through different eyes (hopefully those that are clearer, to present me with deeper vision, so I can appreciate the reoccurring experience even more). Yes, that’s it. And even though my mind will tell me that by returning I’m clinging to safety and not living and travelling fully, because the place isn’t ‘new’, I know that I’m not here to experience the same things as before.

Sometimes people think that by returning to a place that once had made their lives so exciting, it will be the same. Maybe they hope to feel the same degree of happiness, regardless of how much time has passed by in between both visits or how much the person who is returning has changed or the people living in that place. I’m well aware that 2 experiences, in the same place, can never be the same. I don’t expect both experiences to be, nor do I want them to be. When I returned to Oz, they weren’t, to Thailand, they weren’t. And so far, the experiences in India haven’t been nearly the same as before – even though the exact same places are appearing on the path.

Hummm… how exciting. So, it’s Kayankulam for the next 2 months. Then it’s onwards and upwards. I’ll be leaving India before the 16th of Feb. I don’t know where to, or what I’ll be doing but the options are endless and the road is open… or so I’ll keep telling myself – just to be sure ;)

Time for some plans...

It’s been just over 3 months since I arrived in India. Can’t believe how short it’s been and how much has happened. I only realized the other day that it’s time for me to start thinking ahead. My visa expires in only 10 weeks time. How did that happen? I haven’t got a clue… wouw… 10 weeks to go… Feb the 17th I have to leave… And have I thought about what I want to do or where I want to go? Hell no! I’ve been too swamped at school to start planning ahead. There’s been no space in my days… and little space in my head.

Actually, I could be using the haste at school as an excuse… maybe I’ve purposely been putting off making any plans; I don’t want to have to think about moving away from India. I don’t even want to think about moving away from this school – which is meant to be happening in 2 weeks time; if everything goes to plan (I’ll be placed in a different school, only an hour or so up the road). I’ve been hoping that will happen, something that will permit me to stay longer than the 6 months. I could renew my visa for another 6 months. But I’d first have to leave the country, apply for it from outside of India, wait for approval and re-enter 2 months after leaving. Doing this isn’t a guarantee that I’ll be permitted to come back so soon after leaving (especially as it would be my 3rd tourist visa in the space of 2 years – the government is getting stricter with the foreigners and their regular visits, especially if it’s purely for ‘vacating’ for months on end!). I don’t reckon this is what I’ll be planning on doing. Too risky.

So, now I’m secretly hoping for these schools to help me out with getting a volunteer visa that’s valid for a year. Then I can stay working for them, and I’d not have to leave in Feb… or for the following 12 months! The thoughts of this, has made me wonder if I’d want to commit myself to a full year of teaching here, from Feb onwards. I’m not too clear on the answer yet. At the moment I’m loving it. But I don’t know if that’s because I know this position is only temporary, or if it’s because I truly feel at home and at ease here. I’m not too sure if suddenly my feelings towards teaching for these schools would change, if this job became something more ‘permanent’. I guess that’s only something I’ll know, by trying… With everything we do, and every decision, there’s a risk of it not working out the way we’d hoped… and only by following something through and taking the risk, will we find the answer. To not follow through, we’re left wondering…

I might be jumping the gun a little, but I’m just weighing up my options. Because it could be on offer – there’s been some talk… but no definite or concrete ‘proposals’ on their behalf. I guess, at the moment, I just have to wait and see if they’re willing to arrange a volunteer visa, so I can stay longer. And only then can I decide if it’s what I want.

It’s so nice to get the time right now, to be throwing these ideas around in my head. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance and time moves so fast, without properly realizing. I need to start planning something… Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, after the way I left India last year… it’s that I DO need a plan of some sort; especially if I want to return. Without any proper plan, whilst being on the road, a person can suddenly find themselves on the way home, with or without wanting to. It’s what happened last year: I left India, wanted to come back as soon as I could but I didn’t really think it through. That’s why it took me 13 months, instead of 2, to come back (don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any regrets about where I chose to spend my time in between the 2 experiences I’ve had in India… because eventually I DID make it back to India…that’s what’s most important!!!!).

So now, within 10 weeks I’ve to suss out what I want and I’ve to make it happen. Maybe I can sit back and do nothing, except for work my ass off at school and hope that that deed alone will be the thing to keep me here in India… maybe I can trust that if I’m meant to stay, without having to do a ‘2 months visa run’, then I will… maybe I can trust that if nothing permits me to stay, then obviously I’m meant to move onwards… Maybe I can trust that there’s another teaching job in a different Asian country waiting for me… Perhaps… China??? Haha… Ah no, best not to head to land of dragons… not just yet. It doesn’t put a smile on my face.

I know I must trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. As long as I’m giving myself the time of day to keep clear in my mind what it is that I want and where I’d like to be, whilst keeping my priorities in order, then everything will always be well… People have been asking me, when I’m going back to Ireland. And all I say I can say is… Not yet. I can’t… not unless something regarding my book, calls me home. That’s when I’ll be going… Humm… I’ll not go into that subject for now and I’ll continue when I’ve some more clarity :)