Creating Destiny

‘Sober St Patricks day’ - who'd have thought it! I went to a dance party on Saturday night, in the heart of Dublin. It was an alcohol and drug-free event organized by the Funky Seomra. And I can only say how liberating it felt, to be ‘trancing’ with sober souls. It was something I never expected to experience here in Ireland, especially not during a festival that’s known the world over as merely a reason to party hard and to get ‘hammered, smashed, locked and rat-arsed’.

I was in a zone like no other – one I hadn’t entered through the act of dancing, in quite a long time. I felt alive, I felt free, I felt home and surrounded by friends. Out of the 200 people, I only knew 2. But the music was enough for us strangers to unite and connect.

Saturday night I re-awakened an amazing energy that only music can ignite. There wasn’t a sense of ‘trying to fit in’ or of having to ‘follow the crowd’. There was no judgement and people were simply free to express themselves in the manner they desired without feeling they were ‘falling short’ of what the majority had set as being the ‘norm’. Everyone had their own ‘norm’, their own rules and their unique way in which to express themselves. It was ultimate freedom and natural happiness - at least in my eyes.

It really taught me that, regardless of where we are in the world, there will always be like-minded people. Open-souls and connected individuals aren't ONLY found in certain countries or continents. Yes, it's true that in certain places you'll encounter more open-hearts and evolving beings of light. But those living from a natural state of gratitude, are found in all corners. If it becomes hard to find those individuals in search of freedom, those who savour their burning desire, those in awe of this amazing life, then we have to consciously choose to surround ourselves by ‘just’ a few seekers and connectors. The door to others will open up and new worlds will appear simultaneously. Then the journey can continue to unfold from an even greater level of excitement, appreciation and ZEST for what life there exists and whose lives we're in touch with.

It won’t come as a shock that I’m opening doors, in many different ways. Over the past 3 or 4 weeks life seems to have upped a few gears. Things accelerated once the realization of how stuck I’ve become in my current situation, started to hit home. Stimulation and motivation has been lacking and it started to seep through into how I’ve physically been feeling; which was/is drained, lifeless and missing something of a spark and a fire inside. Just realizing it means the change is already happening. Slowly I’m taking life back into my own hands and learning – yet again – that I CHOOSE my own destiny, and the things that are happening in my life aren’t destined to control me (yet that’s something I permitted ‘life’ to do… when of course, it was ME who did it!).

We, ourselves, are the ones driving our lives and creating our own destiny in every moment. These are such simple words and we hear them almost daily - yet we often don't realize we're not actually trying to live accordingly. When we're no longer creating our own destiny and through reflection starting to see how we've limited ourselves, only THEN these simple words come to hold REAL meaning for us.

I see now that I was ‘giving in’ to the illusion that I’m destined to be where I am now, without actually taking into full consideration if it's what I want or if it’s making me happy. I’ve always lived a life from a state of KNOWING how important it is to take action and create my life. I’ve always TAKEN full control of my life and chosen my directions as a result. So to have made myself believe (for whatever reason –probably FEAR) that the directions have been chosen FOR me and that I simply ‘HAVE’ to go with those ‘destined directions’, I’d of course feel an inner strength has been lost.

 

That inner strength can only be described as ZEST and it comes alive whilst engaging in stimulating environments, new experiences and interacting with enlivened people. That ZEST comes when we act on our dreams, and witness them manifesting - instead of only dreaming those dreams and pondering how and when those dreams will ever come true, expecting something or someone else to grant us that wish, without us ever needing to lift a finger and participate in the creation!

 

At this moment, I find there’s no need to dwell on what’s gone by and I’m grateful for what I can see and how I can learn from this ‘stuckness’.This acceptance has been giving me the answer and it's showing me the way. I see what I’ve been doing, and so I know what steps to take to re-ignite this spark of LIFE I feel I’ve lost.

I can safely take a vow that grants me the right, once again, to fly. I can stop listening to others who will tell me ‘my past experiences ‘should’ be enough to satisfy my soul’. I no longer feel non-deserving of experiencing new things, simply because I’ve been blessed with so many amazing ventures already.

How strange that a part of myself had me convinced that I didn't have the right to fly, to experience, to venture and to connect with this amazing planet, on a deeper level than ever before! So eager and determined I've been to get my book OUT THERE and to keep writing, that I’d convinced myself I could only do so, by being static and stationed and stuck! When the truth is that my 'stuckness' has stopped me from writing and creating. And if I claim that writing is a sign of real life - on an individual level - and if travel is the thing to spark off my creativity, then the solution I've come up with, really is the only way forward.

Travel isn’t something I need to fear. It isn’t something I should ‘subtract’ from my current life’s undertakings. Travel sets me in the flow, it opens my heart, it connects me with spirit and I come into contact with those I’m in need of attracting. Most importantly, I come into contact with myself. The element of movement and motion will always bring me to call upon my inner strength, to keep my fire inside burning and to share that spark with whoever I come to cross paths with.

So, to set myself out on a worldly journey once again and to slowly start changing my present circumstances, I’ve chosen to do something I’ve been dreaming of doing for years. I’m going to Spain, on the 2^nd of April, to walk the Camino. Just saying this here and now, is opening up a whole new chapter and I could write till the cows come home. So I’d better pause for the moment and leave this post with just another notion: as I approach the wonderful age of 30 (next Thursday) I’m only starting to feel how consciously I can move through this life. A new beginning approaches. It's fresh and open – granting me a mountain of knowledge that I'll share.

A path opens up before me; a path I shall literally wander and mindfully ponder.

Yoga calling

Finally I feel I’m making a breakthrough, where yoga is concerned. Yes, gradually, over the past weeks yoga has been getting more and more… hummm…. what should I say… deep and revealing?! It’s actually huge for this breakthrough to be happening so fast and so passionately, seeing as though I’ve been doing yoga on and off for years. So this is really exciting… 

I started doing yoga when I was in Australia, back in 2007. That’s when I first picked up a yoga book and decided to make myself flexible! I knew nothing of the depth, nothing of the power than can be brought to light when the body is harmonized and balanced (regardless of how flexible a person is). My immature ignorance aside, I knew I wanted to become a yoga teacher and wanted to get training. But instead I thought it wouldn’t give me stability. So I practised by myself. Then I stopped for 6 months in 2008, which was probably the longest stretch since first picking up the yoga book in Australia. But the passion to practise never left and I restarted in 2009. From then onwards it’s been a journey of ups and downs; at times I slacked; at times my days would feel incomplete without saluting the sun; at times it was only a once-a-week treat; at times it was a twice-a-day chore (in the ashram in India where I pushed my tiresome body to its limits). So, the longing never left and since leaving China and heading to India in August, my practice has deepened.

In India I wished to be indulging in everything revolving around the yoga lifestyle. I wished to be gaining experience and to be devoting my days to learning the art and EVERYTHING it entails. But I felt I couldn’t. Because I went to India THEN for the purpose of teaching English and NOT for learning more about yoga and becoming a teacher. I felt as though I couldn’t expand my yoga practice and get certified, because my focus and energy had to go into teaching of English that I’d committed myself to doing. At that stage, there was only so much of myself to go round! I didn’t have the energy to do both. And whenever I do anything in life, I want to dive in and put my whole heart in it, so my heart went to the schools. In terms of yoga, I restricted myself to only doing a 10-day stay at the ashram and afterwards I kept my focus on the teaching of ENGLISH and I left the notion of the yoga training for what it was: a dream never to be realized….???!?

I happily continued to practise by myself. This was actually quite an amazing experience. I was teaching English by day but every morning I’d wake at 4.30am. I’d meditate for an hour, then Lekha (the lady I was staying with) would get up and we’d do yoga together on a bamboo mat on the kitchen floor. Amazing memories :) 

Since being back in Ireland the lifestyle is of course so different. I’m not up at 4.30am anymore! This was actually something that really got to me when I first came back; I wanted to be up at the crack of dawn every day! But I just couldn’t… Here in Ireland (and everywhere else in Europe) 4am is the middle of the night! It took me a while to be at peace with the fact that I wasn’t naturally waking at that hour anymore and that 6.30am is more ‘suiting’—especially if it’s rare for me to be in bed before 11pm. When I was getting up at 4.30am, of course I was in bed by 9pm—sometimes earlier. Anyhow, change of lifestyle DRASTICALLY… But one thing has remained: yoga (and meditation).

When I first came back, I really didn’t want to let it slip. I thought it would be inevitable—seeing as though the daily routine is so different. But because I made such a point of NOT leaving my yoga practice behind in India, it’s now a part of my days! And I can’t begin to say just how much I’m benefitting. It’s like it’s opening up a whole world for me, more so than ever before.

After morning meditation I come downstairs, in set up my mat in the living room, I close the door and I start. Some mornings I’ll contemplate NOT doing it (I know it’s also good for the body to have a day of rest.) But I can’t NOT do it! It’s like I’m going against something if I don’t start the day in poses. Sometimes I’ll make excuses to justify why I WOULDN’T give myself that hour of stretching and balancing. And even when I’ve justified it, I still find myself walking downstairs, picking up the mat and going in to the living room! I let go of control and it happens! It’s brilliant to experience this… because once I’ve done only half of the first sun salutation, MAN am I peacefully ecstatic that I chose to NOT give my body a day of rest!

Doing the yoga at this point in time, is teaching me more than it’s ever done. I know this is because I’m indulging in it, wholeheartedly. I’m appreciating the practice and I’m NOT doing it just for the sake of it! Every morning I feel as though I’m preparing myself for something. And it won’t be long before I’ll  need to SHARE what I’m learning with others; as I’m teaching myself I’m also wishing to be teaching others. And this can only lead to getting properly certified and gaining experience so I can pass it on.

In India, on several occasions, I’ve come close to starting a training course, but each time I’d let something else steer me away. Usually it would be something offering me security in this world, but not offering me half as much satisfaction as I’d gain from learning the depth of this art. Because it’s not only poses and stretching; it’s a way of life. I’ve known this for so long, but only now I’m TRULY learning it! I’m truly feeling that it’s a way to balance life and to be focused. It’s a way to access energy, to gain physical strength and to release negativities. It’s a way to respect the physical body and to feel comfort inside it. It enables one to treat it kindly and to feel its limitations as well as its expanding potential. It’s a way of thinking, a way of eating, a way of breathing…  And it offers a personal journey that unites one’s truth with the surrounding world. And those who wish to serve, teach and connect with others can pass on the ways in which to practise this art and to experience this journey. It’s quite amazing.

So, I know the time will come and I’ll get to share. It’s going to be an inevitable flow if I continue to give yoga my energy and devotion on a daily basis. Hummm… It’s quite exciting. A dream I’ve always had, but never felt I was allowed to experience. I never felt I deserved to unite and respect my body to such an extent. But releasing this LIE is a part of my own personal journey. And, as I reflect on how life has progressed over the past years and months even, I see how dreams never remain unrealized when we believe wholeheartedly in what we’re pursuing. And this too will come about—whenever and however it’s intended. I’m just going to continue as I’m going, loving what I’m realizing and I’ll see where it leads. How exciting.

Writer's block

The start of a new day, with fresh thoughts and a clear mind - Yesterday I had a writer’s block. I hate to label it as being such. But I felt clogged when it came to writing. I sat behind the laptop, wanting to update. But I sat and I sat… and nothing happened. I waited. I waited.  Nothing. I then asked myself, ‘What do I want to say?’  So much and so little! Because that’s what’s happening in my life. As an insider, there are huge things happening. But to an outsider it would appear that nothing really is going on. Because most days I’m at home, either working on the computer, doing yoga, journaling, writing emails, reading books or being a bit crafty with paint and canvases. To get out of the house and to connect with the surrounding world, I go for walks and always end up in the local coffee shop for hours so I can sit and write in a different environment. This is such a seemingly boring and mundane existence?!?… Nothing to write about… hummmm…..

Viewing myself from the outside makes me believe I’ve nothing to say; I’m not gallivanting the world; I’m not having huge adventures; I’m not meeting hoards of people from all walks of life. And because this once was the case, a part of myself is convinced there couldn’t be anything to share with others. Physical wonders of the world aren’t being experienced, so why would I even write AT ALL? LIES LIES LIES!!!!

So then I view myself from the inside I ask, ‘How far do I want to go, when sharing and writing openly about what goes on in my own little world that can APPEAR so simple, so boring and so mundane to those who witness me every day, yet is actually more amazing, revealing and exciting than it’s ever been? How far should I go in expressing what happens in my own happy little world? Answer: As far as I wish!

I realize that I DO always have something I’m willing to share and write about. And whether or not the reader is interested… that’s none of my business. As long as I’m not hurting anybody then I’m free to express anything I want. Everyone is given the freedom of choice to read what they like, just as everyone is given the freedom to create what they feel inspired to create. People then can form an opinion based on what they class as being good or bad, right or wrong. The one who’s expressed themselves, has to accept that opinions differ and—in that acceptance—NOT be guided by those opinions or filled with fears for whatever judgement should so happen to come their way.

 

What I’m saying here is actually related to certain things I’ve been dealing with over the past weeks, when it comes to self-expression and creating what I want. On and off, as I’ve been trying to get into the swing of writing another book, I’ve been inclined to hold back on what I want to say (or actually WRITE). I’d be envisioning friends and family members to be judging me for what I’d bring to light. It stops me. It clogs me and confuses me to the max. I know I’m trying to fill in their thoughts, which is impossible to do. I’m presuming they’ll say this or that, or act in this or that way… (Presuming ANYTHING in life, is trying to predict and this will always set us up for a downfall. Knowing this little ‘fact’ doesn’t always stop the mind from playing the games it wishes to play. However, WE have to be on top and step in when the mind overpowers… which is what I’m doing now!)

So… PRESUMING what others will think, say, do and feel towards me, stops me from expressing what I want, as I’m writing. I’m steering clear from certain notions, feelings and insights, for fear of what others will say. It’s a block in my mind, created by my own mind, as a result of giving more importance to what others would think and say about me, rather than giving myself more importance by expressing and living in a manner that feels limitless.

It all comes down to this: We have to be in control of OUR OWN LIVES, regardless of what family and friends may say or how they might reject us for what we’re doing. This doesn’t mean we don’t love them less, it just means we love ourselves and HOW we’re living just as much (if not MORE, as this enables us to give to those we love and care for, without ever leaving ourselves empty...) Standing tall and being real in how we wish to live and what we wish to do, takes courage. Hummmm…..But isn’t courage used so we can move BEYOND things we THINK will hurt us?!?! And if that’s the case, then courage ISN’T needed! Not when the actions a person takes—no matter how different they may be from what most people class as ‘normal’—are with the intention of ONLY doing good for ALL. Nothing bad will ever from doing something good… So nothing should ever be feared and courage shouldn’t really be needed in order to be REAL and TRUE!

I’m getting to the conclusion now: I shouldn’t have any of these barriers in my mind. I shouldn’t limit myself when I’m either blogging or writing another book. Every single barrier is based on a lie and it wishes to withhold what it is I need to bring forward. Yes. That’s exactly it! 

I’ve come so far and have reached a place in this physical world where ALL I’VE EVER DREAMED OF DOING, is ABLE to happen. I was in India dreaming of having my days being filled with expressive writing (but they were THEN filled with teaching and I felt limited). I was dreaming of going as deeply into my own world as I pleased, without limits and ONLY to do good for ALL involved (both the writer and the reader).

It’s the 10^th of May and it’s ALL right here, right now… I have to rid myself of these barriers that try to stop me from living freely. I may not be moving physically, but free living is in self-expression—no matter how often we pack our bags and leave a place behind. IF AND WHEN I let myself write without limits, then I’m free. If I’m not doing so, the prison walls will be felt and they’ll convince me I have to leave my physical place in the world, in order to search elsewhere for freedom. I guess I’m truly feeling that I need to be writing ANYWHERE in this world… because then I’m FREE TO BE EVERYWHERE IN THIS WORLD. So I write for the sake of my freedom; without feeling judged by others or myself; without feeling I’m running, hiding, escaping, fearing or limiting myself in any way, shape or form… It’s so easy to put it in writing… now let’s see how it goes putting it into practise…

PS When it’s time to leave Ireland, it’s not going to be for the sake of searching the world for free  living; my spirit can only experience true flight if it’s being expressive – through writing. Only THEN can I truly feel that I’ll be travelling the world IN freedom and not FOR freedom.

The Art of Patience

The 1^st of May. Where has April flown away to? Who can say! But it’s gone by. And what had I hoped to achieve by this point in time, a few months ago when I was thinking ahead of how this period would unfold? I had huge visions. In February I’d expected that by May I’d be in the flow of my next book as well as promoting this current book (I’m actually going to start using its name from here on in…). And so I’d also hoped Digesting Wisdom would be at the printers… J

Now, these are all things I’d expected myself to have ACHIEVED by around the end of April. I’d expected I’d have something to SHOW for the months I’ve so far spent in Ireland. But, because I don’t or can’t SHOW anything for March and April, it’s like they never happened. This urgency I have to SHOW what I’ve done is a result of self-imposed pressure and deadlines that really don’t exist anywhere in the world. Nobody outside of myself has placed these pressures or expectations on me. The pressure to perform isn’t even coming from my publisher! (She’s actually quite amazing in that SHE encourages me to relax into the journey and savour the moment, without any kind of force!) So it’s all coming from the inside. To see this, is such a learning curve; on a personal level as well as a professional. The course a book must follow before it reaches the shelves is quite a route! And the one the writer themselves is taken on, is also quite revealing. The most significant lesson I’m learning though, is the lesson of patience.

So, can I see why the results I wished to have achieved by this moment in time, haven’t yet materialized? It’s a result of having overlooked a few things (in the publishing world) as well as the health being knocked back on several occasions (which is of course ME being knocked back – for around 3 full weeks, on and off.) These knock-backs stopped me in my tracks and totally unbalanced LIFE. But they were the sign I needed to wake me up so as to realize that my physical body needs to receive just as much attention and devotion as every other level of myself is constantly receiving.  

The things I’d overlooked in publishing, were things I hadn’t imagined to take up so much time, focus and dedication. Editing the book being the main thing… I’ve had 3 ‘deep’ goes at it now, since March. The first time took me 3 or 4 days. The second took me around 7 days. And this last go, has taken me 14 whole days!!!!!!!!!!

Yes… I’m going to be honest and say that it’s been painful to do this last editing work. These last 2 weeks (weekends included) have sucked me dry almost. I was reliving the story, so deeply. Every sentence I’ve checked for grammar and punctuation AS WELL as clarity and flow. I’ve been trying to read the script through the eyes of an editor as well as through the eyes of the READER – in the hope that the one who’s holding the book can flow with the story from sentence to sentence, and STILL ‘get what’s being told’. Man, it was deep and painful! It was emotional and it started wrecking my head to think that somebody had lived through this story. Who was that person?!?!?!

That person is now an unrecognized individual who is NOWHERE to be found here in the world… But hang on… that somebody was/is actually ME! I started questioning the origins of the story, the origins of the words… I was finding it hard to grasp how the story had come into existence, because the one who lived out those events and experiences doesn’t feel to be real anymore. It’s not me. Nobody will ever meet that person again… They’ll only meet what a person has become as a result of those experiences. It’s quite fascinating - once you get passed the head wreck…

Fascination came after I’d posed these questions, ‘Why is a certain sentence like this and NOT like that and why did I choose - whilst writing this book a year-and-a-half ago – for it to be so!?’ Amazement came with this click: writing is created in the moment of inspiration. Inspiration comes from the spirit (even the WORD ‘inspiration’ derives from the WORD ‘spirit’). So spirit wrote this book. And who I am to question spirit?! Who I am to push for a definition? We can’t define spirit! We can’t see it, we can’t label it, we can’t judge it, we can’t question it. We can only feel it and experience it for ourselves. The individual chooses to express their own experiences with spirit, in whatever way they wish. That expression becomes a creation and it’s never wrong… And because of where it originates from – the spirit – it shouldn’t be judged or questioned and ONLY respected for the creative expression and materialized inspiration it has become. So: just as we can’t question spirit, we can’t question creation.

Relating this new little ‘click’ to what I’ve been going through the past weeks: when I was writing the book I was expressing my experiences with spirit, in that instance. I therefore need, and already AM, respecting the original state of the book, the original creation – as it origins are spirit alone. And therefore never to be questioned for their righteousness.     

Always moving forward

Today I’m only realizing that I overcame the biggest fear of my life, by stepping away from India and moving towards Ireland…I shouldn’t have been scared though, because there was indeed a life waiting for me… And it took off in full flight, as soon as I landed… Hence my reason for not once having wished to still be back in that land of beauty, contradiction, chaos and love: that amazing India. Not once have I wanted to return. Not once have I regretted overcoming that fear. And now I’m astounded by the rewards a person can receive, in terms of rich fulfilment, when they permit themselves to do work that resonates with the purpose of their life. The energy that emerges is mind blowing.

I’ve no desire, at this moment in time, to start moving away from Ireland. Asia isn’t drawing me. Am I eagerly waiting to start feeling the pull towards that part of the world, or any other part for that matter? No. Because I don’t want to leave yet. It’s simple. If it happens, it happens. I won’t push it away, but I needn’t wish for it to happen either. If and when I'm meant to travel, it will be.

I’m living such a different life and I’m learning there’s a time and a place for everything. At the moment, I know I’m not meant to be surrounded by hundreds of children, all wanting a piece of me. Instead I’m to dream of them and to wake-up in the morning, humming their daily chants. I’m then to feel gratitude for having had that experience and having met those children. I’m not meant to be in climate that makes me sweat but I’m meant to be feeling the chill in the wind and excitement almost for what the Irish weather will do. My body is not in need of coconut curries but instead it requires boosts of energy that’s sourced from just about every food group that’s available.

The beauty in this change is that I’m not searching for ways to escape Ireland. When I came back, I thought this period would be very much the same as the time I was here in 2010, whilst writing the book. But, man, how wrong was I! It’s so different! Back then, I was constantly wishing to be elsewhere, even though I enjoyed my time here immensely. But I needed to move TOO! I remember to have had times, when I’d step outside the front door of my home here in Arklow, and I’d wish, with all my heart, for the world around me to be India. I wished for the weather to be hot, for the cars to be rickshaws, for the people to be foreign, for the language to be Hindi… I wished so deeply to be in the Indian world and thought that by visualizing this Irish world to be their world, I’d lift myself up out of Ireland and magically land myself in India! This is ‘seriously’ how desperate I was to keep travelling. As I’m typing this, I can’t believe that I actually thought that would work! ;)

Without wishing to be anywhere else, there’s movement in my life, more so than there was when I was in China or India. I’m moving due to the fact that I’m integrating what I’ve learned and appreciated most whilst I was in India, into my daily life here. So I still meditate twice a day and I practise yoga and I love every minute. I don’t let the opinions of those around me influence what I do from day to day. The yoga and meditations keeps me learning, moving, accepting and flowing. And each morning, after practise, I start writing. I process, I observe, I reflect. I sit, I drink tea and I journal. Then I sit some more and I work on what needs to be prepared or edited for the publisher. Then I go downstairs for a re-fill, I nibble, I munch and I continue to sit and email those who I can share my ‘mindful’ adventures with. This is my social part of life, however sad that may sound; connecting with friends and travellers through email. I'll always find it’s the way to keep the channels with the world open and I then also connect with a different part of me. It’s quite amazing.

I do realize how lucky I am, to have all of these things in my life and to have my days filled only with things that benefit me, on a whole. At the same time, I know how beneficial it will be once I get to start passing it on to others. So it’s work, not only for me, but for everyone who is willing to absorb themselves in whatever it is I’ve created or still wish to bring about.

Will I go back to teaching? Who knows! But what I do know is that I can’t turn away from the direction my life is heading for, as this process of publishing and writing unfolds. I have to keep going with this flow, no matter how different it may be from the Indian lifestyle I was living up until a short few months ago. There’s no point in clinging to that part of me. I’ve let go remember! Meaning: no holding on… we only hold on when we fear what will happen if we let go. And seeing as though I’ve already overcome my biggest fear (which was stepping back into Ireland and giving writing the priority in my life)… there’s not any other fear that will ever hold me back or to steer me away. I have to keep on letting go and trusting, trusting, trusting and trusting some more that all is well. And the feelings I had today, simply whilst sitting in the local coffee shop, drinking a cappuccino and journaling, were confirmation enough that all in more well than well could ever be!

The power of letting go

It’s been 2 months since leaving India. Does it feel to be that long ago? It feels like a lifetime. With so many things going on right now, I often forget what I’ve experienced. It’s like I left India, and that was that! Over and done with… Time for the next chapter. And the change that happened (and still is ongoing) was so drastic and fast, that I almost missed it! I almost didn’t see it happening… Not until recently, that is...

Within 2 or 3 weeks of leaving, Indian-living became a distant memory. No more waking up every morning at 5.30 am to the sounds of the temple music and the cook in the kitchen chopping the vegetables. No more head spins as a result of teaching and lesson planning. No more polite smiles whilst refusing the Indian chai that was way too sweet. No more sitting beneath the banana trees whilst eating breakfast and sweating buckets. So quickly these things became a thing of the past. I moved on so effortlessly because life here in Ireland opened up so much MORE than India (or China) ever could.

I arrived here and a life was waiting; the one of a writer. The space that was created in my head, as a result of leaving India and the teaching behind, was huge. With such head space and passion inside to BE this 'person' and to have this 'profession', I had move swiftly on from a lifestyle that revolved around hoards of amazing little children and dinners consisting of 5 different curries and I had to move towards a one revolving around words, words, words, fillets of salmon and high protein drinks to strengthen my body on a physical level. (Because, on every other level, this step back to Ireland, has strengthened me more than I ever imagined it would)

By returning, I took a leap of faith. And I was so scared of jumping. When I was still in India I never dared thinking of what would come of my life, if I wasn’t teaching and travelling as much as possible – or at least PLANNING such things. I was terrified to think of how drastic my life would change if I were to let my heart take over. Hours I spent by myself in the hostel (where I last was living)... hours and hours and hours… I’d be writing every minute, just to get to the bottom of what I needed to do in life. Then, once I found it, I was writing so as to pluck up the courage and take action in the world and bring what I’d found, to life.

I’ll never forget how big a decision it was; stepping away from travels and coming back home, to give my full focus and attention to writing. Man oh man, how I wanted to go to Nepal, but how I needed to sit and write AS WELL! It took so much, but I did it. I found the strength and courage to overcome the fear of letting go and I let the writer emerge (and I'm still currently in the process). I faced the fear of letting go BY LITERALLY LETTING GO! Just goes to show: we overcome our fears by acting on those fears!

So I let my spirit guide me and I faced the truth of my life: writing was (and is) becoming more of a priority than travel. The strength I found to face this truth and to act, was contained in the writing I was doing; meaning the writing brought me back home. And here I am, on the 21st of April, sitting at my desk on a Saturday night, looking out at the clear black velvet sky - in Arklow of all places – feeling happier than I’ve ever been.