...arriving at the next...????

Just before getting into the car to be driven to my new home, they told me it was the same place… OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it! How had this happened?! My face probably dropped a few inches when they told me. But I wasn’t going to get on my ‘high horse’ and demand some place else. Nope. They said that the management had changed, the food had changed, and I’d get a single room.

Hummm… I was sceptical, but willing to see if there really was any change. I’d know within a day if I’d be comfortable to stay. So I was brought to my room, the door opened, and I had a déjà vu… I'd already played a part in this scene - 18 months ago! A wooden frame for a bed, without any ‘dressing’ or mattrass’ and a dinky little childrens desk in the corner, grubby walls that hadn’t seen a coat of paint for… 20 years? barricaded Windows and an ‘en-suite’ bathroom with 5 years of grime gathered on the nicely yellow stained tiles that were actually blue underneath. I can only describe the dirt as the accumulation of human flith, fungus, dust and grime that grows and expands so easily in a damp and hot climate, creating the perfect breathing-zone for any kind of bacteria to live and get into the pours of the person who is sleeping and living only 1 meter away. The toilet was blue ceramic, but that also had turned yellow… it was of course good old fashioned dirt, both inside and outside the bowl… Such complaints I have… sorry, But adding some exaggerations is probably painting a clearer picture.

What happened after the déjà vu ended? Niamh smiled and said: ‘it’s fine’. The housewife (who is also the manager) was happy to hear, but not happy to give me a mattress, a pillow, a bedsheet… Nothing. So the staff at school managed to arrange something. But if I’d have been Pinocchio, my nose would’ve been so long! Because, of course I wasn’t happy! I wasn’t happy at all! I was standing there on the only thing that was clean in the whole building – the floor (I suppose that’s something big in itself) – and saying outloud to myself, appearing to be a mad woman: ‘It’s happening again, I’ve been here before…how is this possible?'

The déjà vu wasn’t only a vision. But it brought the exact same feelings with it too! I was overcome with the same wave, on Saturday afternoon, as the wave I was overcome by, 18 months before… It was the wave of… imprisonment and desperation to flee. I was left in the room alone. And really I couldn’t believe how this had happened… When I left India last year, I promised myself that if If I ever landed myself in a living situation that didn't feel right from the start, then I wasn't going to force myself to stay and suffer – just for fear of failing in the eyes of others or for fear of showing weakness. I told myself I wouldn’t do this again. I also gave my request to the school, before coming to Kayamkulam, that I wasn't going to stay in the same hostel, but I've learnt the hard way that good communication isn't an easy thing to come by, when arranging anything, either on a personal level or professional level… so, there I was; Saturday afternoon, literally the 'victim of bad communication!'

So, now, I’m sitting on the wooden bedframe (that thankfully does have a mattress on it and some nice new sheets), with my back against a wall that used to be a lovely soft pink, but sadly has turned many different shades of… brown. I spent last night in despair. Almost depressed… lying on the bed, in need of sleep, but not able to get any, because I was trying to figure out: how on earth this had happened? A place I said I would NEVER return to… Did I go wrong somewhere and why such punishment? All night I was awake… tormenting myself.

At times I've felt as though the past 4 months of my travels have been so high-flying that the tiniest ‘bump’ will feel huge and I’ll see myself falling back down to earth and landing with a bang in a place that my mind will class as a prison and therefore - with this powerful thought – my spirit will feel that thought: trapped and unable to escape… I felt so lost last night. It was like apart of me wasn’t here and only my body needed to be here in this hostel as some kind of a test… But I’m not too sure what it could be. Maybe for me to see if I'm strong enough to speak up and tell the management at school how awful I feel here… OR maybe it’s for me to challenge myself again, grin and bare what I've been given? I know I can do both. I can choose either option. But I don’t know which one is the best. Who would I be letting down, if I leave Kayamkulam because of the accommodation? If it’s myself, then I’ll have to grin and bare. If it’s only the school I'm letting down, then I can leave. If I’m letting myself down by staying… then I can leave… right?

Only after speaking-up about the fact that a change needs to be made, and so taking action and acting maturely instead of running away without even trying to solve anything, then I can make a decision. So I won’t jump the gun and flee nor will I bury my misery and pretend I’m happy with the living situation. I can do this, without sounding like a ‘spoilt foreign girl’ who is too demanding and massively high maintenance - which is often, and unfortunately inevitably, how people can label foreigners, as soon as they ask for change.

If I were to leave though, I wouldn’t instantly know where to go. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’ve not had the time! To be totally honest, a larger part of me wants to leave and apart of me does want this experience at the school. I’m just wondering, what could all of this be in aid of? From heaven to … hell??? Can I say that, without offending anybody? Hummmm… Sasthavattom feels like a lifetime ago. It's only 36 hours since I left! Oh god… tomorrow I’ll be talking with management… and most like also teaching with a smile - I hope. Keep you informed!

Leaving one home...

My last day at school in Sathavattom was quite the emotional one. It was Friday the 16th and I never expected that I’d show all the kids just how much it affected me that I was going. I wasn’t ready at all to be leaving. Maybe it was because my work wasn’t done. The annual day event still hadn’t taken place, so I was leaving with the rehearsals for my acts still unfinished (over the next 3 weeks the students will be doing everything without me, and I have to trust that they’ll keep putting in the effort to rehearse by themselves, and perform as best as they can when the day finally comes… (7th of Jan) I guess it’s all out of my hands now, I have little control over what happens, and that’s why I wasn’t ready to go.

It didn’t help matters that I became somewhat ill on the Wednesday night - 3 days before leaving. To make the chaotic days a little lighter, I started popping pills for the flu and some other aches and pains on Thursday night; 5 different pills at a time, 3 times a day!! For someone who never pops even an aspirin, this felt to be a huge amount – but I was reassured that the doctor only prescribed the best... Needless to say, such an amount really did work.

But even still, my last day (Friday the 26th) was hard. I was wrecked, stressed, and was eager to spread as much of myself as I could. But there wasn’t enough to go round. I didn’t even get the chance to properly prepare myself for the new school. Too much was happening, it was going too fast, and because I wasn’t well, it was a great struggle to keep up the pace. I did though, until the last hour. That's when we had a satsang (this is when the students will sit together for 30 minutes, making music and chanting songs). I wanted to say a proper goodbye on the mic during that hour, but I was too emotional (on hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have spoken!). I tried to do it without tears, but nope, it didn’t work, and of course I CRIED… In front of the whole school and all the teachers! I wanted to say so much to them all, but I only managed a few lines. Man oh man… how frustrating and what a soppy old one I’m turning into! The poor kids didn’t know what was happening… seeing ‘Niamh Ma’m’ in tears. I must have traumatised them all…oops… what a way to leave!

I thought they were only happy tears, but on reflection, I really don’t think they were. Yes, I’d had a brilliant experience, both at school and whilst living with Lekha. So I simply didn’t want to go. I wanted to be more apart of that school and of the childrens days. I felt to be leaving without having done half of what I could’ve done… Also, I became far too attached to them. Or they became attached to me, and then I simply let myself get carried away. It’s strange to think that I’ve been travelling for years, on and off, and whenever it comes to saying goodbye, I never cry… when I leave my family, I don’t sob… but when I leave these kids… I cry! Last year also, when I left the kids in Kayankulam, I cried on the mic… And it happened again here! Man oh man… I could apologize for my weakness, but I won’t. I believe it’s not a weakness but a different kind of strength when showing we’re vulnerable. It shows we’re only human. So no apologies from me! It is as it is...

Anyhow, on the way home in the car (still Friday), I suddenly had to start making the shift from Sasthavattom school to Kayankulam school. As well I still had to pack and round-up more bits and pieces and say more goodbyes that evening. But I was still weak, dizzy and flu-ish, emotional and in need of catching-up on the sleep I’d been loosing, because of having fever. Exhaustion reached its peak when I was trying to sort something out with the tailor. I was telling her about one of the costume designs for something for annual day. Suddenly I started having one of those ‘out of body’ experiences. I was talking, but I was outside of myself. I could hear myself speaking, but I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth. I was on auto-pilot and my voice sounded like the recorded version; the one that everybody else always hears, but not the one that I hear inside myself… if that makes sense ;)

Anyhoooos… I was freaked out, got home, went straight to bed. 10 min later, out of bed, trying to sort my life, but couldn’t speak for ages and just sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of milk, trying to grasp reality (I knew I had so much to organize within a few hours, but felt I had nothing to organize it with – there was no life inside!)… WHAAAAA…. I sat and sat and sat and waited for the drive to come, so I could start speaking again… then I sat and sat and sat and waited patiently for the drive to come, so I could start moving, eating, washing, folding, packing… And it did all happen… eventually. I can’t hardly remember how I did all that I needed to do, in the tiny space of time that I had and the small dosage of energy – but I did it.

Saturday morning, the day of leaving, I had to be in Sasthavattom school one last time. From there I left, with ‘my life’ in my backpack, at 11am. I said goodbye to Lekha, I took a rickshaw with 2 teachers and we bumped our way to the station. I waited for an hour with this lovely lady, not really thinking that I needed any mental preparation for what was to come. So I happily hopped on the train and by 3pm I was in Kayankulam. The driver of the schoolbus was there to pick me up – the same guy who would always collect me every morning last year! I jumped in, as if we’d only seen each other last week and off we went. I hoped he’d bring me straight to my new home – even though I didn’t know where it would be, but I was in need of a bed. We didn’t go near my ‘new home’. First we were off to school!

Oh god… I was looking like hell! I didn’t want everybody to see me for the first time in a year and a half looking like somebody who has just been to the wars! (after travelling on hot, smelly Indian trains - even if it’s only for an hour - anyone will look unattractive and in need of a bath) Either way, all the teachers were waiting. The children weren’t there… thankfully. So, I put on a big smile, I met everyone again - some new faces, some nicely familiar. Meeting everyone only took a short time.

Then I waited for a lift ‘home’. I was getting more and more curious… where would I be staying? They’d promised that it would be better than last year. I only hoped so, because I wasn’t really keen on staying in the same place again… Surely I wouldn’t be so unlucky and end-up back in the hostel that I classed as being one of the worst ‘long term stays’ I’ve had during that trip in India? It wouldn’t be that same hostel where mice were in my backpack, cockroaches were visiting daily and where my first impression made me break down in tears in the toilet - 18 months ago…??? It can’t be same place????? Well… it certainly can!

Small change of plan

Change of plan and a change of school from next week. On Saturday the 17th I leave Sasthavattom, after 8 weeks of being here. Annual day, the big festival for which I’ve been teaching drama and yoga, has been postponed to the 7th of January. It was meant to be on the 19th (next week Monday) and I was meant to go to a school in Kollam after that date. But instead, I’m now going to Kayankulam before the Annual day performances. But I’ll be back just for the big day, in 3 weeks time.

The school I’ll be teaching at, from next week onwards, is the same school as last year. It’s actually the first school I was ever teaching for! I never thought I’d be teaching there again… and 1,5 years later, here I am preparing to be there for the remainder of my stay in India.

It’s almost like I’m coming full-circle. When I left Kayankulam last year, the school wanted me to stay, but I’d already made other arrangements so I travelled onwards and never thought I’d be back. Now, after travelling almost half way around the world, I’ll be finding myself in the place I started out. I wasn’t too sure of how I felt about going back, when I first heard the news a few days ago. Part of me wanted a new experience, a different school, a different town. But another part found it quite comforting and challenging at the same time. Comforting in its familiarity and challenging as I’ll be seeing myself in the same place, but with a different outlook and at a different stage in my life.

I must admit that lately I’ve been wondering if I’m somehow trying to recreate my past experiences. Witnessing a pattern of reoccurring places I visit throughout my travels is making me question why I seem to end up in most places twice (at least). For example Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, and now India. And each time I return, it’s always to the same route I follow! Is it that I’m trying to relive my past or is it that, in my past I didn’t take the time to fully engage in the country and its people - not in the manner I should’ve done? Am I drawn back to the same places so I can experience it ‘properly and wholeheartedly’? I think it could be for the reason that – when I first visit to a country - I either don’t take the time, I’m too distracted or I’m dealing with other stuff in my head, so I fail whilst trying to see clearly where I am and what I’m actually doing in life. And by returning to a place, I’m wishing to see the same place with the same people, buildings and environment, but through different eyes (hopefully those that are clearer, to present me with deeper vision, so I can appreciate the reoccurring experience even more). Yes, that’s it. And even though my mind will tell me that by returning I’m clinging to safety and not living and travelling fully, because the place isn’t ‘new’, I know that I’m not here to experience the same things as before.

Sometimes people think that by returning to a place that once had made their lives so exciting, it will be the same. Maybe they hope to feel the same degree of happiness, regardless of how much time has passed by in between both visits or how much the person who is returning has changed or the people living in that place. I’m well aware that 2 experiences, in the same place, can never be the same. I don’t expect both experiences to be, nor do I want them to be. When I returned to Oz, they weren’t, to Thailand, they weren’t. And so far, the experiences in India haven’t been nearly the same as before – even though the exact same places are appearing on the path.

Hummm… how exciting. So, it’s Kayankulam for the next 2 months. Then it’s onwards and upwards. I’ll be leaving India before the 16th of Feb. I don’t know where to, or what I’ll be doing but the options are endless and the road is open… or so I’ll keep telling myself – just to be sure ;)

Time for some plans...

It’s been just over 3 months since I arrived in India. Can’t believe how short it’s been and how much has happened. I only realized the other day that it’s time for me to start thinking ahead. My visa expires in only 10 weeks time. How did that happen? I haven’t got a clue… wouw… 10 weeks to go… Feb the 17th I have to leave… And have I thought about what I want to do or where I want to go? Hell no! I’ve been too swamped at school to start planning ahead. There’s been no space in my days… and little space in my head.

Actually, I could be using the haste at school as an excuse… maybe I’ve purposely been putting off making any plans; I don’t want to have to think about moving away from India. I don’t even want to think about moving away from this school – which is meant to be happening in 2 weeks time; if everything goes to plan (I’ll be placed in a different school, only an hour or so up the road). I’ve been hoping that will happen, something that will permit me to stay longer than the 6 months. I could renew my visa for another 6 months. But I’d first have to leave the country, apply for it from outside of India, wait for approval and re-enter 2 months after leaving. Doing this isn’t a guarantee that I’ll be permitted to come back so soon after leaving (especially as it would be my 3rd tourist visa in the space of 2 years – the government is getting stricter with the foreigners and their regular visits, especially if it’s purely for ‘vacating’ for months on end!). I don’t reckon this is what I’ll be planning on doing. Too risky.

So, now I’m secretly hoping for these schools to help me out with getting a volunteer visa that’s valid for a year. Then I can stay working for them, and I’d not have to leave in Feb… or for the following 12 months! The thoughts of this, has made me wonder if I’d want to commit myself to a full year of teaching here, from Feb onwards. I’m not too clear on the answer yet. At the moment I’m loving it. But I don’t know if that’s because I know this position is only temporary, or if it’s because I truly feel at home and at ease here. I’m not too sure if suddenly my feelings towards teaching for these schools would change, if this job became something more ‘permanent’. I guess that’s only something I’ll know, by trying… With everything we do, and every decision, there’s a risk of it not working out the way we’d hoped… and only by following something through and taking the risk, will we find the answer. To not follow through, we’re left wondering…

I might be jumping the gun a little, but I’m just weighing up my options. Because it could be on offer – there’s been some talk… but no definite or concrete ‘proposals’ on their behalf. I guess, at the moment, I just have to wait and see if they’re willing to arrange a volunteer visa, so I can stay longer. And only then can I decide if it’s what I want.

It’s so nice to get the time right now, to be throwing these ideas around in my head. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance and time moves so fast, without properly realizing. I need to start planning something… Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, after the way I left India last year… it’s that I DO need a plan of some sort; especially if I want to return. Without any proper plan, whilst being on the road, a person can suddenly find themselves on the way home, with or without wanting to. It’s what happened last year: I left India, wanted to come back as soon as I could but I didn’t really think it through. That’s why it took me 13 months, instead of 2, to come back (don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any regrets about where I chose to spend my time in between the 2 experiences I’ve had in India… because eventually I DID make it back to India…that’s what’s most important!!!!).

So now, within 10 weeks I’ve to suss out what I want and I’ve to make it happen. Maybe I can sit back and do nothing, except for work my ass off at school and hope that that deed alone will be the thing to keep me here in India… maybe I can trust that if I’m meant to stay, without having to do a ‘2 months visa run’, then I will… maybe I can trust that if nothing permits me to stay, then obviously I’m meant to move onwards… Maybe I can trust that there’s another teaching job in a different Asian country waiting for me… Perhaps… China??? Haha… Ah no, best not to head to land of dragons… not just yet. It doesn’t put a smile on my face.

I know I must trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. As long as I’m giving myself the time of day to keep clear in my mind what it is that I want and where I’d like to be, whilst keeping my priorities in order, then everything will always be well… People have been asking me, when I’m going back to Ireland. And all I say I can say is… Not yet. I can’t… not unless something regarding my book, calls me home. That’s when I’ll be going… Humm… I’ll not go into that subject for now and I’ll continue when I’ve some more clarity :)

English & Drama

Sunday afternoon. It’s hot… I’m not going to start complaining. This is just an ‘FYI’ and something to share… I was looking for a place to sit outside so I could do some updating, but I wasn’t able… cause it’s 2pm and the heat is at its peak. And the fact that I can’t walk around with sleeveless tops or shorts EVER - as it’s inappropriate and makes others as well as myself feel uncomfortable - doesn’t help cool me down much… But anyhooosss… not to worry.

All is well here in this little spot. I’ve got 4 full free days this week due to a vehicle strike and a Muslim festival – yet again. It’s crazy the amount of days off people get here! I’ve only been working for 2 full weeks at the school and already there have been 3 free days for a festival, 1 for a strike and 1 because an important politician passed away. 5 days in total!!!! It’s any wonder they get things done here in this country… Last year when I was here it was the same thing; there was always a reason for the schools to close their doors for the day. All apart of the good life I guess… and the kids love it of course. So I won’t complain. It actually gives me some space and time to catch up on lesson plans and other bits and bobs. Because getting a grip on things here in the ‘teaching game’ has been pretty full-on… even with the days-off in between. For some reason I’ve been wrecked and everyday has brought something big along with it.

In one of my last updates I mentioned that I’m teaching ‘Spoken English’. This means I’ve to give English classes that are only focused on talking, communicating, accent reduction and pronunciation. All well and good and I’m pretty happy with it. In this school, just like the others where I was teaching (apart from China) I’ve no guidelines. Management has left it up to me, to approach the lessons in whatever way I feel best. It’s giving me ‘total freedom’. Good most times, and other times there’s a sense of being lost, overwhelmed and confused. But I get over it pretty quickly… and I just get the job done.

Now though, alongside these Spoken English classes, I’ve been assigned to do something extra. When I first arrived at the school I was told I had to write a play or a drama. Actually I was told to write 2; 1 for the small kids and one for the bigger. This assignment/drama was to be for the kids to perform on the annual day of the school (this is for their anniversary). On that day, there’ll be a festival with songs, dances and drama performances. The school puts so much effort into this day, months of preparation (at the moment – from what I can understand of the language around me - it seems to be the only thing everyone is talking about…) There are around 500 people (including the kids) expected to attend as well as some very ‘important’ people who are linked to the school and linked to the Art of Living Association. So there’s quite some pressure for every performance to be ‘top notch’. And the singing and dancing, will no doubt be next to perfect. The drama’s? Hummm…. If the only 2 dramas that will be performed are the ones that are written by the foreign teacher named Neev - who will have worked for 2 whole months teaching the 277 kids of the school proper Spoken English - then time will only tell! Yes, the only 2 dramas that will be performed are the ones I was assigned to write and teach. And the work I’m putting in right now, and will continue to put in over the following 6 weeks, will be shown on that day – the 19th of December.

Needless to say, the past week and a half the position of ‘Spoken English’ teacher has slightly turned: half of my time I’m ‘chatting’ with the children, in my normal classes and the other half I’m working on teaching the kids I selected (after very informal auditions) the dramas/plays that I’ve since written. Both dramas took quite some time to create and write – it was something I’d never done before, but I’m so excited by what it’s become. And I’m actually delighted that I’m now giving more importance to the 10 classes of drama that I’m teaching each week – when there aren’t any strikes, deaths or festivals – instead of the other 15 classes of English…

I’ve never been giving drama classes before… Well, in China I tried, I succeeded and I absolutely LOVED IT! I remember how much I wanted to be teaching kids to act, instead of speaking English… oops!!! A little confession slipped in there! How cool it is though, that I wanted to do it then, and now, in this school, it’s happening! Yay!

Also, judging by how the teachers and management are more concerned about the drama classes instead of the spoken English classes, it’s like I came here MAINLY to give the drama classes. And the fact that, after Annual day, I’ll be placed in a different school for another 6 or 8 weeks, only confirms that they wanted me here, in this particular place, to do these drama classes, at this particular time.

So on the 19th of December - after the little actors I’ve selected have performed the magic I’m trying to teach them (ahum) - I’m due to leave and will be placed in a different school of the same association (Art of Living). This gives me another 6 weeks to work with the ‘stars’ I’ve selected. I’m so eager to find out how they’ll do… and how I’ll do!

Class dismissed - for now :)

This particular school and the kids have had quite some exposure to foreign teachers in the past, but still, the way they respond to me is still with utter amazement (I’ll give them another week, and the novelty will have worn off!). The first few days were quite overwhelming. It was as if I was being pounced on by everybody but at the same time, I was still trying to get my head around the fact that I was working and teaching again, after having had 2 months of doing ‘nothing’.

Before I started, I made a promise to myself… I was going to be totally honest when it came to answering the question: am I happy to stay in this situation and do I want to teach, yes or no… I wasn’t going to force myself to stay, if it didn’t feel good to be in front of class again. To stay aware of this was quite a challenge especially as I was thrown in the deep-end from Monday onwards. But, luckily I’m able to swim. And as I went into the first class, knackered, overwhelmed and ill prepared, I was testing the water and swimming, all at once. I felt so at ease with the ‘pressure’ that was being put on me, which was such a great sign.

On Wednesday we didn’t have classes because of a national festival. And it was a day from hell, in my head. For some reason I was struck by something awful and I seriously thought I had to leave. After 3 full days!!!!!!!!!!!! But I questioned some more, I wondered, I looked at the bigger picture, and I knew that if I already felt ease during the very first lesson of teaching in India again, then that ease would only increase with time. I knew I couldn’t leave, I knew I’d only be letting myself down, if I did. What a relief that, for once, I wasn’t scared of letting others down by leaving (which was the case in China). Nope. Now it was ME who I’d be disappointing, by going.

I've since realized that this style of teaching and this particular environment is far more than just 'teaching'. It hardly feels like a job or a chore. It’s not to fill my time nor is it for the reason of not having any other options. Not at all. I’ve so many, but I know this is what I want to be doing for now. Even when panic attacks come out of nowhere (like on Wednesday), I know it’s okay. I won’t pack my bags…

By Thursday everything settled and I was flying. I was a ball of energy in the classroom and I was finding those parts of myself that had been put to rest for 2 months. I was coming alive in a different way and it was such a great feeling to get the kids on board so easily. I can’t even begin to describe how different it feels to be teaching here, than it did to be teaching in China, or even the boarding school I was at, before leaving India last year... Wouw…

Just a small note I’d like to add about the place I’m staying… Well, one of the senior staff members from school, Lekha, has taken me in. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be staying in this ‘mansion’. It’s outside of any towns and away from villages. It's on a huge plot of land, with coconut trees just outside the kitchen window. As well as the banana trees and the papaya, guava and cinnamon trees… There’s pineapple plants and a well for the water… Passion fruit, basil, aloe vera, curry, henna plants are growing and every morning there are workers out planting tapioca (a type of potato). The other morning I was greeted by a woodpecker, when I was having some tea sitting on the porch!

I can’t believe this paradise I’m in. I’ve got my own room and Lekha is so accommodating. A little too much at times, but that’s apart of their culture and I have to accept it. I’ll always appreciate it more than I can say.

Anyhow, I'm feeling quite settled at the moment, I’m here to the best I can and I know I’m going to learn so much. Right, I’ll stop the ranting for now and I’ll tune-in again soon. Love you all.

School time again!

One week of teaching later… And here I’m sitting. It’s a Saturday night again, I’m in a different room again, in a different part of Kerala again, surrounded by different people again, in a different situation, again, starting a different chapter again.

It’s only 6 days since I arrived and it feels like a lifetime. I’m in a tiny little place called Sashtavattom, 30 km north of Keralas’ capital Trivandrum. What can I say so far? If I were to spill all, it would be way too much. So I won’t. I’ll keep it ‘brief’ (sometimes I’m not too sure if I actually know what the meaning of the word ‘brief’ is, when it comes to tapping away on these keys, but that’s beside the point).

Monday morning I was picked up by my ‘saving grace’; Mr Suresh Sir, the manager of the schools of the Art of Living Association in Kerala. He was the one I contacted when I was in China and looking for something to ‘run’ to. When I was still in Jinzhou he offered me several positions in the different schools located around this state. Last year I’d already worked for the school in Kayankulam, teaching ‘Spoken English’. This is term, by the way, a common in India, and it’s used to differentiate between ‘normal’ English lessons and English lessons that are solely focused on speaking. The teaching I started on Monday would also require me to only be giving ‘Spoken English’.

So, what I’d be wishing to happen and been wishing to pursue, when I was China, suddenly became real from Monday onwards. I was picked up by the manager, from Allepey and we headed to the school where I’d be placed for the next 2 months. Meeting him again, was like seeing an old friend. I feel to know this person so well, and for so long. But in reality, I’ve only ever seen him twice. The 3 hour drive to Sasthavattom was strange; sitting in the car with this kind man again, 15 months after I first met him and I realized I was coming ‘full circle’… or maybe I could describe it as to feel as though he’d been ‘following’ me ever since I left India last Summer. First to Ireland (by calling me on several occasions, asking for me to come back to India to teach) and then to China (by me contacting him to see if he still needed/wanted me to teach). And finally it was happening; I was starting again to teach ‘Spoken English’ in an environment that’s warm, open, accepting, homing and more welcoming than any other school environment I’ve been in before.

When I arrived, within 10 minutes, there was a small ceremony being performed to give me a blessing, also called a pooja. As this is a Hindu school, by tradition, they take to practicing certain rituals, by singing and giving offerings of fruits and flowers to the guru, on special occasions. It can be for anniversaries or festivals. However this particular occasion was to bless me during my time at the school. It was so sweet. I couldn’t believe that it was only for me. The kids were giving me giving me flowers and at one stage they were even kissing my feet. Well… this has never happened to me before in all my life. I felt it was way too much. I was almost tempted to tell them to stand up and never ever feel that I was ‘so much more than they were’ just because I’m a teacher, just because I’m not from India. Man oh man… but I couldn’t say that of course, so I instead felt amazed at where I’d landed myself and overwhelmed by the whole thing.

The school itself is quite tiny, with only 240 students. It’s located in the most peaceful area, so rural, so open, so much space. It’s gorgeous. As I mentioned, it’s a school of the Art of Living Association, which means its one of the 14 schools in Kerala that’s been set-up by the Guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who has his main ashram in Bangalore, but at the same time has many other ashrams and centres throughout the world, where yoga and meditation are being taught.

Because of this, these schools are really quite different. Even though it wasn’t my first time to be at one of these schools, I’d forgotten just how positive the affect of their practises is on the kids and the whole environment. Every morning they (or should I say ‘we’, because I’m apart of the school now too…!!!) do yoga and meditation. The whole school together, at the same time! There’s chanting and singing and the kids are so free, so open and allowed to totally be THEMSELVES, instead of the school trying to control, drill and mould them into being and behaving only in a certain way (which is something that happens in many schools, especially in India: kids aren’t always seen and respected for their individuality). Here the kids are free and accepted and at the same time they have enormous respect for their teachers (hence kissing the feet…). This doesn’t mean to say they’re NOT rowdy or disruptive and full of energy… they’re kids after all, and it’s how they’re meant to be… Actually, the yoga only increases their level of energy, making life on the teacher a little tougher, as the kids are more difficult to control. But because the schools beliefs are focused on their freedom and on the acceptance of others AS THEY ARE, there’s never is a great deal of punishment from the teachers side… The teacher simply has to practise the art of patience. A challenge at the best of times…

Mallapally -- Allepey -- Moving on

Thursday morning I contacted the chairman of the schools. He was delighted to hear that I wanted to start work earlier… a week sooner than planned. I decided for this speed, once I got to Riyas house. I suddenly realized I was tired of contemplating the whole teaching-thing. I was almost sick of waiting and I didn’t want to be curious anymore about whether or not I’d feel comfortable in front of the class. As well, I was getting more eager to put into practise the following: teaching full-time and alongside, doing what I can so as to keep the publishing ongoing, along with other bits and bobs.

And if I can be totally frank right now:… I’m just tired… FULL STOP. Being in Riyas house made me realize even more, just how much I’d love to put my bags down, for a couple of months. I want to ‘settle’… I want a routine for a while… I know that a routine can be boring, but at least it gives you… REST and the chance to work on things, at a regular and steady pace, with more energy and focus…

I’m feeling that everything I’ve been learning since coming back to India… like the yoga, the meditation, and the publishing, I can only properly use as tools in my life so I can do what I want/need to do, IF and WHEN I’m living according to a routine for a while. Only then will I benefit and see the results in my life. Having a disciplined routine frees up so much more energy that can be put into creating things that will move me forward in other ways, instead of putting that energy into the planning, trekking, adjusting, acquainting, acclimatizing and actually dealing with all the emotions that come along with every upheaval. I make it sound as though I dislike travel… But the thing is, I love it so much, that I want to be fully THERE when I’m doing it… and I have been so far… but if I wish to continue to be fully THERE, I first need some ‘settlement’ for a short while.

So, after saying goodbye to Riya and her family, and thanking them at least a thousand times, this morning (Saturday the 22nd) I got on a bus from the nearby town of Changanacherry. I was unsure when I’d be starting work, but I knew that it would be within days. In the meantime, I needed some me-time before diving into the job. I needed to write, I needed to get on the net, I needed to just be by myself for at least a day or 2… Cause, let’s face it… I still don’t know what kind of situation I’ll be landing myself in, or who I’ll be living with, or how heavy or light the work load will be, or how my weekly schedule will be. So, a day or 2 to myself, I don’t think is too much of a crime to commit.

Hopping on the bus was the most amazing feeling. Man, it was probably the best bus journey I’ve had in India… It only lasted 45 min, but boy-oh-boy, it was GORGEOUS… I’d never been to this particular area of Kerala before. I’d been so close, but never actually exploring it… I’d heard about it so often; all the locals would always recommend every foreigner to visit… And now I understand why. Those sights this morning on the bus are some the prettiest I’ve seen. Canals, canals and more canals… and green, green, green everywhere with countless coconut trees and bamboo houseboats sitting on the waters. In between there were the local women balancing fresh produce on their heads wearing colourful sari’s, standing out from the greenery… I wasn’t able to shoot some pictures but I’ll never forget the images. They totally brought home just how lucky I am: Here I was, sitting on the bumpy bus in paradise… in the south of India… not just passing through. But actually on my way to a job… so easily, so normally, on a Saturday morning, ‘just like that’… as if it’s nothing… I’m so able to ‘settle’ so close to such amazing sights! All I have to do is pick up the phone and I’ve got a job… and the best part of it all; it’s never a job I despise or one that’s mundane or unrewarding… because it’s teaching… because it’s kids and because it’s India. I felt, and still feel, like the luckiest girl in the world.

When I got off the bus and wasn’t being bombarded by Indian men wanting to sell me their services… I felt even better still… This place is soooo easy… People are so relaxed… and they’ll hear my ‘no’ and they leave me alone! It’s heaven almost. There’s something about this place, a certain feel that I’ve not experienced before, in other tourist areas in Kerala (nor in the Chennai region)… By far, it’s my favourite… I found great accommodation, only 10 minutes walk from the beach… It’s absolutely gorgeous, both the hut as well as the beach… I hoped so so much that I’d get to spend a full day here, before moving to the job… and YES!!! Tomorrow (Sunday) is totally my own time, to rest, to explore, and to slowly get myself into teaching mode…because Monday morning at 7am I’ll be picked up and brought to the new school, near Trivandrum. It’s a 3 hour journey from here. I’ve no idea what to expect… Only that Monday will by my ‘introduction day’… and I’ll receive a blessing and ceremony to welcome me to the school, and after that… the teaching shall commence. I’m excited 

Hope to get connected, so I keep updating!

Kerala calling

In exactly 2 weeks I SHOULD be on a plane to India. Thursday the 1st of September. Can’t quite believe it… I’ve not received my passport yet, so I’m still waiting for that to be my ‘ticket to freedom’…

At times I‘m almost afraid to NOT focus on India, because I feel something might come along to disrupt my intentions and it won’t happen. I know it’s because nothing feels to have been secured in reality yet… like the visa. As well it’s because things have happened so fast and it’s all ‘last minute’… And I have to keep believing and being patient; if now is my time to return, then it’s going to happen.

So, what are my ‘plans’ for when I do finally get there? It’s to first go to an ashram for a month. I need to refuel, to chill-out and to do as much as possible that involves doing as little as possible… apart from yoga and writing…  I’ve nearly got my heart set on a particular place, just in contact with them at the moment and checking out availability and train tickets for when I get to Mumbai so I can travel down south.

Of course I’ve been thinking about whether or not to continue teaching once I’m feeling grounded again. And, I already know, that yes I do want to teach. For some reason I want to be with these kids. I don’t know who I’m referring to, when I say ‘these’… but that doesn’t matter… Kids are kids everywhere in the world and I want to be around them…

3 weeks ago when I first realized I needed to move onwards to India, there was one person who came to mind. I hadn’t thought about him for months. It was the chairman of the Art of Living association. This is the association I worked for, when I first started teaching in Kerala (the southern state in India) and he was the one who gave me the job. That particular teaching experience, which only lasted 5 short weeks, was the one I’ve wanted to go back to, ever since leaving. It’s the experience I’ve compared THIS current teaching job to, as well as the second teaching job I had in Kerala (which was the boarding school called Ebenezer). Even when I was back in Ireland writing my book, the chairman would ring my mams house in ARKLOW to see if I wanted to come back to India to teach for his schools again. This I always felt to be the strangest thing… Because my time in India felt, and still often feels, to have been a dream, but home, in Arklow, is…. reality… and for him to call from a place, that I never classed as being apart of the ‘normal’ world, was many many things that I can’t put into words in this blog. Anyhow, I was always tempted to go back. I actually knew I would teach for him again. But then the China opportunity came along, and I jumped at the chance of experiencing something different.

And so, the chairman stopped calling my mams house. He thought I’d not get in touch… Until 3 weeks ago; lying here on my couch in my ‘perfect’ little life, in China, in floods of tears wanting to break free, feeling that my heart was actually departing Jinzhou in that one particular breakdown… and wishing so badly to be free. And who pops into my mind; the chairman. After so long, he was the person I needed to connect with.

And I did. I emailed him within a few days. I set the ball rolling. He replied, delighted to hear from me, stating he had a few positions in Kerala that he needed to fill. And one of them was mine, if I wanted. That’s when the relief came and I couldn’t believe my luck… The world started to feel open again…

Right now, we’re still emailing back and forth, but nothing has been set. I’ve said that if I start work, it won’t be until mid or end of October. Because I need to properly distance myself from China and gear myself up for India, whilst being in the ashram. I figure, as the weeks pass, I’ll know if I’m meant to be teaching for his schools again. Either way, it’s an environment I’ve always wanted to experience again. And if it’s something I simply need to do, then it will happen at some point along the way. If there’s anything I’ve learnt over the past weeks… it’s that, no matter how down I feel in the office environment and how withdrawn and isolated I’ve become, once I step into the class… I’m me again… I’m open, I’m happy, I’m appreciating my job and I’m loving the kids. So it’s something that will travel with me and I know that the opportunities DO stretch beyond every boarder and that they are all only temporary, but all for the purpose of moving me forward… even this current experience is proving to have been for that same purpose…

Movement requires us to be static or stationary in a certain place for a certain length of time, until the time comes to take the actual step.

What guidance is needed??

The spiritual devotees I’ve been in contact with have been wanting me to get more involved in the foundation of the Art of Living. It has led me to start questioning the whole “worshipping of a leader”(which is what would come along with getting more involved), and with that, I’ve been questioning all religions in general. This is what India can do to a person: From one day to the next you can be faced with 2 or 3 different religions, beliefs and rituals.

Why are they following this Guru in particular and devoting their lives to spreading his beliefs and his way of living? A Guru is wise soul, one who knows the eternal knowledge, one who is connected to divine, one who has higher powers, one who has experienced life’s challenges and one who expresses all their wisdom in such a way that others can learn and also experience that same endless supply of knowledge and wisdom we all have within ourselves. A Guru shows the path towards this wisdom, through his writing, his speaking, his way of living. He teaches and people learn. People can experience a blissful awareness, a happy and free soul, they can experience peace and love in all aspects of their lives due to what the Guru teaches and for this reason they follow, they give thanks and they worship. They are also the most joyous, non-judgemental and free spirits you will ever meet.

The more people I met and the more I was being “told” to do the courses his foundation offers, such as meditation and yoga, the more I started to wonder about “clinging” so strongly to a leader, Guru or wise-one. Do I really want to start following his beliefs? Yoga and meditation I would love to follow, when I have the funds to spare. So at some stage, then, yes, it will only be through a particular Guru that I’ll learn. Because they are the ones who “drive” the whole force and lead you towards the deeper encounters that yoga can offer. This is what they spread and therefore it’s what the teachers are taught and this is what they in turn must pass on. Ultimately this is what I would love to experience; to be a yoga teacher. It will happen when the opportunity presents itself. And speaking of opportunities: I know in life we make our own opportunities happen but I also know that we need certain things in order to make them happen. As well, to want too much in life all at once, forces us to loose focus and we end up doing less in the long run. So I reckon simply knowing what I want is enough for it to come to me.

But being a devotee and following a Guru so solemnly? What a Guru gives, we already have, I already have. I’ve experienced it myself and don’t feel the need to worship somebody else for something that I have encountered through things that I’ve been through in the past and therefore already own myself. It can be called many different things: inner strength, higher power, connection to the spirit, awareness of your truth. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying I don’t need guidance, of course I do, everybody needs guidance. Nor am I speaking badly of his followers; I’m know that all Guru’s speak wisely and that they are extremely powerful. I truly believe this. But, for me personally, I don’t know why I would choose to worship one Guru and not the other? Why is this Guru different from others? I’ve read many books of such wise-ones and they speak so much truth. But I have never decided to follow just one or to worship the other. I give thanks, yes. But I give thanks to all amazing writers who teach me something, I give thanks to all the people who have guided me in my life.

So, after much questioning, I’ve come to the conclusion that, yes guidance is needed, and in whatever way a person chooses to be guided is their own freedom of choice, as it is my freedom of choice. At this moment in time, I give thanks to people who have guided me in my life, be they wise writers, other professionals or people on a more personal note. And for now, that’s feels to be enough; giving thanks to all. I don’t need to question this any further. The past week has revealed all I need to know for now, in regards to beliefs: I simply believe in me and I know where to turn to for the guidance I need in life.

The nature of this teaching

Since coming to Kayamkulam I have been introduced to many ways of living and many different beliefs. It’s such a spiritual environment; everybody at the hostel is Christian, the school is Hindu and it’s also of the spiritual Art of Living foundation of Guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Everybody who works at the school worships this Guru. They live by his wisdom, they devote all their time to him. And for many teachers, it’s their main reason for teaching at the school - it’s not for money because the salary is next to nothing, but they see it as a “service of duty”. I’ve been to a few meditation masses, where they sing and praise the Guru. Last week I went to a gathering and it was the most overwhelming experience. There were over 100 devotees there to celebrate the Guru’s birthday. I didn’t expect it to be such a big deal. But what a celebration! Singing, speeches, presents, food, festivities and meditations too. People were crying but also blissful. It was so powerful. I was then unexpectedly asked to come up on stage and give a speech after being appointed the special guest, all the way from Ireland who was “bringing English to the town”. I was blown away by the reaction I got after I rambled some unprepared words down the microphone. I got hugs from people, a massive round of applause and chains of flowers. People were coming up to me telling me how happy they are that I’m here; people who weren’t even related to the school and who I‘ll probably never see again.. So strange! A great experience - but maybe a little overwhelming.

Actually, this is something that is starting to feel a little bit unnecessary: people treating me with so much respect and looking at me with so more admiration than I deserve, when really, I’m just like them. I don’t want to be treated like something more than they are, just because of my skin colour or because I speak English. I could be anybody from any Western country, and I’d get the same reaction. So how can I ever know if they are treating me this way because they genuinely like the person I am or if it’s because I’m white and they can practise their English? I can never know and the only way to find out is if I get close to certain people. But that doesn’t always happen because I’m never around for long enough. I know what I’m describing right now, is all apart of teaching English in such a country and many other Western teachers would say the same thing. It goes with the territory, so I have accept it and I won’t let it get to me. But it doesn’t take away my longing to be seen as equal to them. Wanting this isn’t a crime, but it’s also something that will never happen; not if I want to be in remote places where I can make a difference. So I suppose I AM making a difference in such areas and if the people are aware of this fact then it may only be gratitude and appreciation that they are expressing towards me and instead of feeling overwhelmed and unworthy of this, I will be thankful. Looking at it from this perspective shows me it’s all like one big puzzle, or like a circle almost.. How nice the world can be!!

School life

My second week of teaching is over. It’s going so fast and I heard today that the classes I’m giving will only be until the middle of May. The 20th to be exact. That means only a few more weeks! Wouw.. so fast. I’m only just getting settled in and growing more confident but already I’m needing to think of where to head to next. The school wants me to stay. But I’m not too sure. Staying here could give me some great experiences and the kids are amazing. But then there are other options too. The same foundation has schools all over this district and there’s at least one other school, closer to the city, where they have a vacancy for me. And yesterday I got another call from a language institute wanting to meet me and offering me a teaching position to start in June. So there are options, but I don’t quite know what it is that I want.

I’m trying to stay in the “here and now”. Suddenly realizing that I’m half way through this assignment, it’s making me savour each day even more. I’m enjoying it all so much. The kids are the sweetest ever. They speak so much English, the bigger ones especially, and they are so open with me. I get the sweetest poems, letters and gifts nearly everyday and the questions some of the them ask are so innocent. Yesterday one of the girls asked me if I take a flight every morning and afternoon, to and from Ireland! Another girl asked me if I drink lots of milk, because my skin is so white and yet another, who is only 8, asks me everyday if I’m happy or if I’m sad when I go to my “home” after class. She tells me how happy I make her and today she gave me a note saying how proud she is of me!! This is coming from an 8 year old! It makes me melt.

The youngest group, from the age of 5 to 7, are starting to feel more comfortable with me. Because of the language barrier, it was difficult at first, and it still can be as they talk so much of Malayalam (the local language) to me. It’s sweet but not always easy. At some points, they are speaking to me and I’m speaking to them and neither of us is understanding the other. Most days there’s an assistant, Sheela, who translates whenever there’s the language barrier. But today she wasn’t there and so, of course, they totally took advantage of “teachers” lack of language. It doesn’t help matters that I’m not strict and they’re clever enough, with or without English, to know that I’m not strict and today they tried everything! Quite funny when I take a look at the whole situation but actually teaching them new stuff, was a challenge. We do meditation every lesson, to calm them down - which is how this school from this foundation work - and it’s amazing to see the effect it can have on them. How calm they can become and how much they take in, afterwards, it works like magic, usually. But today, it was more like a playschool than anything else. I had some of them crying, and I didn’t know why, I had some of them arguing and I could only guess as to why they were arguing. But smile, smile, smile and befriend them and they will always be fine. Such special kids. I was so tired when it was over.. There was only 30 of them, which isn’t a lot (by Indian standards). But it felt like it. It took so much for me to get back to “normal” afterwards. They had sucked every ounce of energy out of me but I had to get my head into gear for the next class. It was like getting to a totally different place in my mind, because the approach was so different. Suddenly I was in front of kids who understand 99% of what I say. What a turnaround! I didn’t think I’d get through the “change“ of approach in teaching, without them noticing I was low on reserves. But I managed and the energy came out of the sky, or somewhere else.. Haha..

The school lets me do as I wish. Every lesson I can choose the contents. I choose my way and, due to the hours of preparation I do each afternoon, my classes are so much fun. When the lessons start, I don‘t want them to end. If I’m “having a ball” then so are they and that’s all I want. I then know for a fact that they’re learning. I still have spectators every lesson; other teachers taking notes and wanting to “learn” from me (little do they know how in-experienced I am) or new-comers observing my way of teaching or visitors just being curious as to who the new and only foreigner in the town is and what the commotion is all about. Yes, my lessons cause commotion and they are different. But that’s what the head of the school wants. My classes are hectic, full-on and my voice can be heard by everyone around (and this alone draws everyone to come a watch the excitement that’s going on). I don’t use a stick, for “chaos-control“, like the other teachers do. When the kids are acting out of line and I suddenly “put them in their place” they know that I’m serious and they listen and then we all smile again. It’s brilliant.

I learn so much each day about so many different things, and most importantly, about myself, due to these amazing kids. So much flows out of me when I’m in front of them. If I’m tired beforehand, it’s instantly gone, when I’m standing in front of them. I’ve realized how much I love to talk in front of people. Something I’d forgotten. Every lesson, I find myself talking too much and have to force myself to stop. But by what I’m giving, I always want them to come to life in my classes, and they do. Time flies and energy is bouncing off the walls and so much love flows..

I’m only starting to realize this in the past few days, but there really is so much love at this school. I can see in the kids that meditation is apart of their daily lives and lessons in school. The foundation that runs the school is of a spiritual guru (I think I mentioned this before) and the students, their parents, the teachers and everyone linked to this school, is a follower. So their way of being and of teaching, is one of pure freedom and joy. Everyone is humble, equal, grounded and they strive to be a free soul. I notice it in the kids a little more each day. It’s fantastic.

So, when all is going so well, how is it that I don’t know what I’ll do with the job offers I’ve had? Well, it’s mainly because of my visa expiry date; 3 more months I have, but do I cut it short? Do I come back afterwards and take up either of my options? No matter what I choose, when I leave, I’ll have to wait 2 months before re-entering India on a new visa. It’s a new law. So if I really want to return, I’ll first have to go elsewhere; maybe just for refuge or maybe to teach in a different country and gain a new experience and later return to this land of magic. The answers I’ll never know until one decision is made. It’s fine though, in whatever way I decide to go about my travels. It’s all working as it should: In perfect order! I’m just witnessing it all unfolding before my eyes and it’s amazing.

Amazing is all I can say

The following morning, Saturday, which was only my second day here in Kayamkulam, I woke up with a new lease of life. It was incredible. I didn’t want to elope, like I thought I did yesterday. Apart from sensations of still being a little fragile, I felt on top of the world. The thoughts of teaching didn’t make me feel ill, I didn’t stressed about class, I was confident and I was going to do a great job, I was happy to be here, I had my appetite again and the world was amazing. Or to be frank, what I had just been through and gotten over, was amazing. The intensity of the emotions and physical sickness that came out of nowhere, was something I haven’t experienced in more than a year. It came so abruptly, but also left so suddenly. The power of the mind. Once again I have learnt and felt just how fragile a body can be and just precious health is. These are things I know so well and have been faced with more, on a much deeper level, but it’s easy to forget in the midst of the fast world in which we want to take a part of. Sickness and health are all created by the mind and are a manifestation of the thoughts we’re having at the moment we attract that which is not meant to be in our bodies. How our bodies cope with it is a result of our mental state of mind. I definitely picked-up a virus. The time when I picked it up, will be unknown, but the time-period over which it happened was when I was pushing myself, I wasn’t taking care and I wasn’t nourishing myself to the extents I should have been. I was trying to take more from myself than I was giving to myself. It’s opened my eyes in many different ways. Something that came to me and took a hold of me for only 24 hours has given me an intense but amazing lesson.

Every single thing that I was able to do yesterday and even today and still tomorrow I’m grateful for. I got so bad on Friday, I felt I’d never be able to do the smallest little thing ever again, such as send a text message. The smallest little thing was the biggest deal and all I’ve been wanting to do since leaving Ireland is embrace the whole world! What a contrast, what a wake-up call. Going from not being able to send a text on Friday to being able to do it all on Saturday; from one extreme to the other. This was unreal. Because Saturday I had my first teaching experience, as an employee, in India; an opportunity that I had made happen! I went to school, I was excited, I was eager. I gave the classes and felt amazing. The teaching was flowing, the kids were amazing, I was alive and well, I didn’t want the classes to end and was so excited at the thoughts of what I could get these kids to achieve and how I would grow and learn from them. The Head of the school was delighted and they have even decided to put the teaching-assistants in my class so as to learn from me. Wouw.. It was crazy, it was amazing and I was over the moon!

What an episode this was. It’s all so great though. Yesterday and today, I’ve been taking more time to get my total physical strength back. Tomorrow the new week starts. I’ve got students to teach, English to spread and love to share! I’m making peace with the place I’m staying at. I have to. I don’t want to focus on the things that aren’t perfect, but instead I have to accept the good things that are here, such as the friendly women, the safety in numbers, the fan on the ceiling, the hot water and an “auntie” (this is what we call the woman who runs the hostel) who is being as hospitable as possible. All the other things are just minor details. I have to accept and I will. I’m just happy that I’m able to do this and be in the position I now find myself. Whatever reveals itself over the next weeks, is fine. I will be able for anything!

Hellish me - 2

I was brought to the hostel where I’d be staying. Okay Niamh, all was going to be better soon. I’d have a room and a bed. What I usually do, when going to another form of accommodation is gear myself up for the worst, and everything will be a bonus. Well I wasn’t in the right place, to have this mindset, on this particular day. So of course I was the unhappiest person ever when I saw the room I was going to be staying in, until the end of May. I don’t have my own space, the toilet is manky, the ants are everywhere, there’s no lock on the door, no plugs in the room. But the worst thing at the first sighting of my little piece of “comfort” was the bed: It was just wooden planks! There wasn’t a sheet, pillow, mattress.. Nothing! At that moment all I wanted was to sleep.. But seeing this bed, made me panic. I could not sleep on this bed!! I’m leaving if you don’t sort me out something to cover the wooden-planks! They got me a pillow, and some sheets, when they saw the desperation on my face.. So at least for that I was grateful. When I was alone, I broke down again, and really asked myself: why do I put myself in these situations? What’s all of this in aid of? This is the wrong thing I’m doing, once again! This thing that has gotten inside of me, is a sign saying I’m doing something I shouldn’t and now I must leave! I was distraught.

I went to bed for the whole day. I slept and slept. Got interrupted so many times, by others girls in the hostel just being nosy as to who the new (and only) foreigner is, by the owner trying to get to know me, by the cook trying to figure out what food to prepare for me, by phonecalls from Suresh seeing if I was feeling better. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

At this stage I felt I was never ever going to feel normal again. I felt like this was it, this was my life, my body and soul were gone. I felt I’d never get my energy back, my stomach would never settle again and the thoughts of food would never make me feel hungry, ever again. I was expected to teach, the following day. I still had lessons to plan.. Can I do this? Well, between sleeps, I forced down food, I re-hydrated myself, and I mentally told myself I wasn’t going to anything I wasn’t able for. I had to let go of wanting to please them and I realized that this is MY health, MY body and MY life. They can push me into going to work all they like, but if I’m not able, then it’s tough for them! The worst they can do, is tell me not to come back, and I’ll say fine, because the hostel I’m staying at is appalling anyhow! Sorry for that little outburst.. But this instantly helped, the pressure was gone and my body starting working through so many different unpleasant feelings. This virus I had gotten hold of was at it’s peak, but I was banishing it by focusing my energy on my strength. Miraculously I woke up at 2am and everything had cleared. The flu symptoms had gone, my stomach was a ease, my bowels were being friendly to me, my head was at peace and I smiled without even thinking of smiling! It was natural and effortless. Wouw. It was unreal. I was so happy and grateful.

Hellish me - 1

We arrived at the school. I was dreading it. This really was so unlike me: My first day to be the English teacher (not to be in training, as I had been during the other teaching experiences) and this was what was happening! I really couldn’t believe it. There were 70 kids and 10 teachers. There was an opening ceremony we had to attend. We did a group meditation and performed some rituals that are accustomed to the school. Usually this would have excited me. Actually every little detail would usually have excited me; from the village I had entered, the kids I was seeing, to the teachers who welcomed me and the “doors” that were opening up to me. But all I felt was misery. I could hardly smile, speak, walk or engage. So it goes without saying that I definitely wasn’t able to concentrate, to focus, to feel free, to see this amazement and to meditate. It was so painful. At that moment, all the kids were so peaceful, they were meditating, as were the teachers, as was Suresh, who was also guiding the meditation. I would have given anything to have experienced that with the whole group. All I felt instead, was that my body had been taken over by something. It felt to be possessed. It was like something had entered me. I was no longer myself. There was definitely something wrong, physically and emotionally.

I then had to get up in front of everybody and introduce myself. I couldn’t believe it. Usually I would have jumped at the chance. But I was hardly able to say 2 words without bursting into tears. How would I get through a “speech” I hadn’t prepared, in the state I was in? Wouw man.. How intense this was! But somehow I did it. I looked like death, and my voice was weak, but I spoke without crying and they welcomed me with open arms. How grateful I was, or when I look back it now, I am. Then, however, I was still wanting to run and hide and cry.. How nice that would have been. But I couldn’t. I had to keep myself together. I had a meeting to attend with the headmistress, with Suresh and with the assistants. They obviously wanted my ideas, my input, my views on how to approach the method of teaching. Oh no! I was hardly able to say where I was from without breaking down. We sat together and I wasn’t going to pretend I was fine, when I was only hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I told the teachers I wasn’t well, which led to a series of events: I broke down (again) in tears, spent ages in the bathroom trying to pull myself together, went back to the office and continued to despair, was forced by Suresh to befriend the students and have a short introduction lesson, was still very emotional, felt I really couldn’t do this, felt like a loser for letting everyone down and felt physically sick at the thought of being pushed so much into doing something I obviously wasn’t able to do!

Something from somewhere inside made me stand up, wipe my face, put on a smile and meet the kids. And I’m so glad I did. They were amazing, gorgeous, happy, smiling and so fascinated to see me. I only spent a short while with them as I was starting to talk in riddles, I was repeating things and saying things they would never understand. The headmistress came to take me away, telling the kids that “ma'am” isn’t well, that she needs rest and will be back tomorrow to take the class. Thank god for that saving grace..

Something strange

Sunday morning - The past week can either be classed as heavenly or hellish. Both. I had to go through “hell” to be able to experience “heaven” once again. I arrived in Cochin on Tuesday morning. I was happy, I was excited and I finally felt like I was on the right road, for now. The ease started to set in at the thoughts of soon having a job, soon having a focus for at least a month and soon having a “permanent” place to stay. The thoughts of having everything organized for me once more and the assurance that I’d have native people to support me and look out for me, was making me feel so comfortable.

I had to get to a particular school on Tuesday morning. It wasn’t the school where I’d be working, but it was of the same founder, a spiritual Guru by the name of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. He is of the “Art of Living Foundation” (which you could probably “google“ to find out more info) - it’s a spiritual organization, who not only have schools throughout the whole of India but also ashrams, yoga centres and meditation courses. I met his state “representative”, Suresh, who I’ve mentioned before. He was the one who got me the job in the first place and he was now going to take care of me.

So Tuesday morning I was hot and bothered, loaded up to the max with my luggage and finally wanting somewhere to rest for a few days, before starting work on Friday. Suresh offered me accommodation in the school where we met, which was in the heart of the Cochin. He set up a bed for me in one of the classrooms. The kids were on holidays, so the school was closed and I was all by myself until Friday morning. It wasn’t a big school, very primitive, full of mosquitoes, very noisy, but I was grateful. The nights were fine; I wasn’t scared being alone in the building but instead I was amazed at where I had landed myself in the space of one week; last Tuesday I was in Hyderabad about to embark on a potential “yoga career”; this Tuesday I was in Cochin about to embark on a potential “teaching career”. It was so random! At nights I’d do my best to savour what I was experiencing and take in everything: I was legally sleeping in the classroom of a primary school in the south of India, which belonged to a guru and I was on my way to being the English teacher, in this amazing country. This was my dream. It was all happening for me. With many other things I was still trying to put into place that have happened so far since being here, I was trying to focus so much on NOT letting this randomness and magic almost, of what was going on, pass me by.

Besides this, for 3 nights, I watched movies on my laptop, ate awful food from eating places I’ll never return to, tried to gear myself up for the teaching, process the week that had gone by and try to close one chapter to start yet another (I’m actually not too sure what chapter is what, at the moment, or where one starts and the other end; they seem to have rolled into the each other!) But the stress of everything started to take hold of me; my immune system may have been weak during these days and so this was an opportunity for some unwanted bacteria or virus to make an entrance.

Thursday night, was my last night sleeping in the classroom. The following morning Suresh was going to be picking me up at 6am. He would take me to the school, 2 hours away from the city, in Kayamkulam, where I’d be teaching until the end of the May. BUT BUT BUT.. I woke up on Thursday night at 2am feeling sick. I started vomiting, was in agony, felt to also have the flu. I didn’t sleep afterwards. It was 30 degrees all night and I was freezing. I could hardly walk and was aching all over. What was going on! I had no clue. Maybe I’d eaten something wrong, or drank some bad water.. I didn’t know, all I knew was, I was dreading going to school and having to teach.

I had to leave Cochin though. Suresh came to the school, saw that I wasn’t well. At this point, 4 hours after this “thing” had gotten a hold of me, I was an emotional mess. I was crying, I could hardly walk, I could hardly drink water without wanting to be sick, let alone eat to get some strength back. I was a disaster. He said I could stay in Cochin, if I wanted. But I had to get out of this city. I was so “over it”! So we drove, I sat, I felt miserable, I couldn’t speak because it would make me feel sick, the volume in my voice was gone, the muscles in my legs were aching, my head was pounding and all I wanted to do was cry. I can hardly remember much of the 2 hour journey. I remember Suresh trying to make lots of conversation but he soon stopped, as he realized I just was not able. Thinking about giving classes made me feel even more physically and emotionally sick. I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything. I was stressed-out thinking about the bad first-impression I was going to be giving. I also looked horrendous and all I wanted was to sleep. But even that was something I didn’t know I’d be able to get or WHERE I’d be able to get it as I’d be staying somewhere new. This was not the right day for me to be moving and starting something new..

Is this the middle of my India?

It’s now Monday morning. Tomorrow I’m leaving Fort Cochin and going into the city again. I’m meeting the man who is organizing my job-placement. He’ll also arrange accommodation for me, from tomorrow onwards. That takes away a lot of the hassle because things will happen for me. For a few days, I won’t need to do much!

With the next step, I can sometimes be wary of putting too much hope into this job-placement. I’m even having doubts whether it will happen or not. I’m supposed to be starting the teaching position on Friday. But I’m not “holding my breath”. I’ll believe it only once I’ve met this man, who goes by the name of Suresh. I’ve met him before, he’s an elderly man, around 70 and the executive of a foundation called: The Art of Living. This foundation has many schools around Kerala, so he’s well-established and I trust him. I’m not going to worry about this being the right or wrong thing. I don’t want to have any expectations. All I know is that, when I was at the yoga classes, observing the trainers giving their classes, I wanted to be in classroom with kids. That’s all I could see myself doing. But, then again, I’ve had these strong feelings before, in regards to doing other things in life, and once they’ve materialized they’ve brought me other experiences than the visions I’d first been faced with. So I shouldn’t say too much I guess.

All I can say is that I know that I have to keep trying these things, and not get too involved in where they will lead or what they will reveal to me, not until the time comes. Just like the yoga story: I never expected it to go like this, and would never have wanted to come back to Kerala, had I not been in Hyderabad. 2 weeks ago Kerala felt like a step backwards. But 2 days ago, and today still, it feels like a step forward. So it’s good now, because the yoga story led me back here and forced me to take a job. Mainly because the desperation that suddenly hit in and the need that got overwhelming for me to have had at least one experience that would serve me in long run, before my time in India ends.

Will it be ending? I’m not sure. I’ve seriously considered “quitting while I’m ahead”. But as soon as that thought comes to mind, it also goes. I’ve been here 2.5 months now and it feels to be so much longer. Every stage has been amazing, because I've been living in the moment. It's the best place to be in life! Now I feel like I’m right in the middle of this chapter and I can’t help but think ahead to plan how long I can stay, or where to head to afterwards. It’s almost like I had to be faced with all that the past week has thrown at me, or all that I’ve welcomed into my life, to get me into a reflective mood and realize that I can’t continuously live in the moment. Even though I don’t want to think about the visa ending and I don’t want to plan everything so “far in advance”. But I have no choice if I want to keep on traveling. In regards to finances and jobs, I simply must. I need to stay independent and gain experience.

I’m not great with planning. I feel a sense of panic and pressure and spasms in my chest; I reject them, for some reason. So I’ve always made rash decisions and I would go with the flow. Now I’m simply facing the reality of life: plans DO need to be made in advance for things to keep going in the direction I so strongly feel I must be heading towards. That’s what it’s comes down to. My visa runs out in July, ouch that hurts so much, to know this! It's a long way off, but time flies. Setting plans into place, which are irreversible: Will that take away the magic of life? Will that mean the end of inspiration? Or am I, once again, being a drama-queen? Should I just “get-real” and keep my 2 feet on the ground? At times I must, but overall, I really don’t feel the need. For now, the next week is “planned”. I’ll say no more for now..