Serving Vipassana

A long pause later and I’m back in Athenry. I’m sitting by the fire, settling down again after a trip to Holland and Belgium. I spent Christmas in Holland with my sisters and on the 26^th I headed off to Belgium to serve at a 10-day Vipassana meditation course in Dhamma Pajota. This is the same meditation course I sat in both Ireland and India; the one where the students are silent for 10 days, meditating for 10 hours a day, disconnected from the outside world, not permitted to read, write, make eye contact or use body language. Anybody who has ever completed a 10-day course as a student can apply to serve at any centre on any given course. Being a server means to voluntarily help out with the running of the course and experience what goes on behind the scenes. So… after having completed 2 courses as a ‘sitter’, I wanted to attend one as a server. I chose the centre in Belgium, because it worked out easily, given that I was Holland for Christmas (I’d only have to travel 3 hours from my sister’s place). 

On the 26^th the course was due to start. I left Holland, took the train to Dhamma Pajota and instantly it was as if I entered a different world. Even though I wasn’t a student on the course and wouldn’t have to take a vow of silence or be sitting on a cushion for 10 hours a day, I still disconnected from the world, from days, dates and time, from Christmas festivities, from New Year’s celebrations, from writing, from reading, from mobile phones and from the internet. 

It was such a freeing experience to consciously focus ONLY on what I was doing at the centre. And all pulls towards the outside world stopped. YES!!!! The intensity of what was happening on the campus really brought us servers to be totally present in that situation and give everything we could for the purpose of keeping the course running smoothly and the students – who were going through probably some of the toughest times in their lives – as comfortable as possible, so they could complete the course with little distractions.

I was put on the kitchen team and GOD how happy I was! Working and preparing food from fresh every day, for 100 students, was therapy in itself. Because I've sat a couple of courses, I know how valuable food becomes, when meditating so intensely, sitting in silence and going through emotional, physical and mental pain in a secluded manner, often drowning in sorrow, despair, depression. Food becomes something so precious - especially because there are only 2 meals a day. So, being placed in the kitchen, where I was able to play a tiny part in bringing the students their food, was a hugely satisfying experience for me. And from day 1, my own appetite shot sky high… Not too sure why... Maybe it was the fresh produce, the goodness, the exciting recipies and the efforts we put into the preparation of every meal. Maybe it was the community spirit and homely feel I had on the team or maybe it was just because we were working 10 and 12 hour days and slowly becoming physically exhausted. Whatever the reason, I was delighted to witness how my position permitted me to feed so many, as well as myself, in great abundance (quality giving the food more richness than the quantity). That was probably the biggest lesson of all.

I say it was physically draining to be serving and working so hard, but that didn’t take away my feeling of satisfaction. I had a few daunting moments, when I actually wondered if I’d be able to keep up the pace. But we were told by the teacher to be selfish, even if we were serving others. We were told to constantly enquire within: 'what am I gaining from this?' A strange concept it seems: to be selfish in the act of giving selflessly! But I slowly understood what he meant. I realized that if we were draining ourselves, in the act of serving others, then we actually wouldn’t be serving others from a good, healthy, positive space. Then there’s no point in serving! If we couldn’t feel that we were gaining, then it was best for the servers to step back from their position and join the meditation sittings instead of doing the work. It’s true what they say: a person can only give wholeheartedly to others, if they’re giving to themselves first. 

For me, even if my body was drained, I felt deeply satisfied. I was able to keep my own daily meditations (around 4 hours a day) deep and the lessons continued to reveal themselves constantly. That was my ‘selfish’ act. It meant I was able to become selfless and gain so much from being there. It wasn’t only the meditations and lessons that I gained, but also working with food, connecting with like-minded people and knowing I was making a contribution to the overall experience of the hard-working students, brought out different sparks from within myself that I'd forgotten ever existed. And the inspiration I gained, gave me energy to give and give and give. 

I guess, if a server manages to absorb themselves FULLY in what they’re doing, they too go into a process of cleansing and purifying the mind (which is what the students are doing, in their endless hours of meditation). Being selfless, means we’re dissolving the tendencies of the ego; we don’t feel better or worse than anybody. We’re all the same. And if we’re all the same, we understand that everyone should receive goodness, not only we, ourselves, on a personal level. Give to others whatever you'd wish to receive. Then it's bound to return. It’s GIVING without trying to be GETTING… 

As the week progressed and the campus continued to be the ONLY thing that received my attention, it became so uplifting to realize the world doesn’t revolve around MY needs, MY problems, MY worries, MY dramas! God, how free I felt! I’ve heard how beneficial it can be, to serve selflessly without expecting to be getting ANYTHING materialistically or verbally in return. And this was the first time for me to truly experience how much a person can grow by doing so.

Due to the intensity of the course, it felt to have lasted forever. But it was a very happy 'forever'! Our team was like a little family. We connected instantly, we knew how to deal with each other’s moods, we worked synchronized and had some hilarious moments in the busiest of hours. We didn’t really acknowledge the New Year, besides the exchange of some best wishes during the preparation of breakfast on the morning of the 1^st. And I was delighted… no major build-up, so no come down and the simple life is so balanced and fulfilling!

When it came to leaving, I didn’t feel things were over. Not at all. It felt things were, and still are, only beginning. I was happy to move back to Ireland and, right now, I'm intrigued by what can happen over the next months. These past few days, I feel a part of me is searching for something and the world feels open again. Perceptions have altered just a little bit more and I know my time here in the cottage might be winding down – well come May I’ll definitely be on my way. But where to, who can say?! I can’t. All I can say is that I’m open to opportunities and unsure of the exact direction but certain of what the bigger picture is all in aid of; living and loving life.

Wishing you all an amazing 2013... let the change and transformations manifest in all of our lives... What a wonderful time to be alive. Love love love always xxx

Big difference

Reconnecting with the family. Life pauses when the family from elsewhere arrives. 

On Friday my sisters from Holland came over to visit for my niece’s christening. The commotion that was suddenly LIFE, was quite a craze. But it’s what I needed; I’ve had such little contact with ‘masses of people’ throughout the past 3 months, so a buzzing weekend was definitely refreshing. And today (Wednesday) life is just that little bit lighter than it already was.

Being in the company of my 3 sisters (their partners too), my younger brother and 5 nieces/nephews, has made me see my own life as being so much more… quiet… than I realized it was! In my ‘normal’ circumstances (here in Ireland), I’m not surrounded by stress or chaos or commotion (only if I create it, unintentionally, in my own head). Generally speaking the worries are so minor and I can easily turn away from other people’s stress—as I’m so seldom exposed to it.  

However, this weekend I found that having such little exposure to stress and noise COULD be something to make life more challenging, when I suddenly AM surrounded by stresses and circumstances that are inevitably taking up my ‘head space’. It’s like the peace within could be threatened and I’d be wary of losing myself without willing to. But I needn’t have had any doubts about how other people’s stress levels were to affect me! Because throughout these past few days I felt just how much space I actually DO have, ALWAYS. And that new awareness made me enjoy the fact that I could witness how my entire family approaches their lives and where their energy flows to each day. I’ve come to realize that my inner peace never actually fades away and I can naturally sit in that peace and I keep sanity close! It’s amazing to feel how empowering it is, when silence is there ALWAYS in the midst of other people’s chaos, stress, pressure and commotion. And suddenly the whole purpose of practising to live presently in personal harmony—through meditation, yoga and creativity—makes sense! Suddenly it hits home what inner peace and a calm mind is all in aid of; it’s for the sake of always being at ease in every situation the surrounding world can throw at us. It also shows us that our response to the outer commotion is driven by our own power, and not that of the surrounding world.  

Another thing I realized after spending some quality days together, is the differences in our lives. I’ve been seeing just how much our daily lives vary and how my journey is taking a drastically different route. Spending time with my sisters and seeing what their focus is in life, made me see myself through other eyes. I kept thinking: how crazy is it for me to have started out in the same place, surrounded by the same people and ‘given’ the same chances and opportunities, but to NOW (at the age of 29!) be experiencing things that couldn’t be more different than what they are ‘viewing and doing’ in life?!?! They have their partners, their kids, their extended families, their jobs, their houses. I have… hummm… my writing… I’ve a book waiting to be written ;) and… huge visions of what is still yet to come in life. That’s me. And this weekend I could see how ‘far off the mark’ I am… from what would ‘normally’ be the way to go! But I’m totally fine with this… MORE than fine, actually!

I’m delighted that my situation and responsibilities in life, force me to get into my own world and I feel blessed to have access to MY OWN TIME and SPACE. Usually I’m so wrapped-up with ‘getting the writing done’ that I forget just how precious it is that I’m evolving through the actions I personally choose to take each day in life. I only appreciate NOW how unique it is that nobody is claiming my time, nobody is controlling my days. Nothing from outside takes over and nothing lets me lose focus of what I feel I must be doing with my time. So the purpose of my current quiet and sometimes lonely existence serves so much more: only with my space, peace and time can I write! There you go… 

So it’s great that I can get to do this now… The time will come when my focus shifts to some THING and some PLACE else. And for now, this awareness makes the journey deeper and more meaningful… Yay! As well, of course, I appreciate my sisters and their kids all the more too… for giving me their connection, understanding and support in everything I do. Life is so so  great!  

Mysterious Ireland

Starting fresh; I’ve not been able to write properly, here on my blog, for the past week (which has been one the most revealing of my life, by the way…). Yesterday I tried to remember the last time I updated and what I’d been blabbering on about, and I couldn’t. I had a mental block when it came to recalling the past 2 weeks; it was all just one blur.

Because of the blur, I was shocked yesterday when I realized that ONLY 3 WEEKS ago, I was sitting on a stage in an Indian Temple, with a group of students from school, participating in a singing meditation concert. That’s so crazy!!!! Ever since moving away from Kayamkulam to pass through Holland and onwards to Ireland, nothing has been regular or consistent… my health has received a beating. After the jetlag passed, I was struck with bits of the flu, a head cold and chest problems. Also my sleep has been something of a chore and a waste of time, because I feel there’s too much else going on and I need to be DOING. So a regular body clock and a consistent batch of clarity in my head haven’t been the case… As a result I’ve been unable to write and do so many other things too, for lack of energy… But still each day I’ve been desperate to get myself into gear, to get clear about everything and ‘push gently’ for at least some steps to be taken, no matter how small… I needed to feel things to be happening in my life.

After meeting with 2 people this week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, I realized that things ARE happening, even if I’m not too actively involved. One of the meetings was with the publisher!!!!!!! Yes… it’s (finally or suddenly) happened…!!! Wouw… it was quite an amazing experience. We hit it off so well and I instantly felt as though I’d met this lady before; our ideas are exactly on the same level of thinking, our intentions are from the exact same source and the subjects in life we’re both passionate about, they almost seem to complement each other.

‘Too good to be true’, is something that popped to mind. But that’s only limiting myself and making me second guess everything. There’s no need. I can enjoy the mystery of how this has happened: leaving India, travelling back home and having lunch with the one person in the world who is taking a ‘huge risk’ by investing so much of her business and her own personal energy into publishing my book, just for the fact that she believes it will make a contribution to the world. It’s quite powerful to realize all of these things at once.

I’m overwhelmed by my luck as the things I’d been creating are becoming real. Just like the deep longing I had in India, to write another book; since the meetings this week, there’s been an ongoing flood in my mind; the gates have been opened and there are no barriers in place to stop the flow of words.

My whole world has changed since coming back. I never ever expected to be in this situation… But I know that we create our own future, in every moment. The things we focus on are the things that will happen in our lives. So, I should have seen this coming… I should’ve been prepared for lifelong dreams to become real…

The world I was apart of, up to 3 weeks ago, is so distant to me now. It’s like I was a different person then, than the one I am today. It’s like I lived through that Indian adventure, only to be able to write about what I experienced… And stepping away from it is like I’m opening up to life again. I’m allowed to live! I never realized I’d limited myself to ‘living’ so much, when I was teaching in India. It’s only by feeling the contrast of suddenly living wholeheartedly after months and month of living half-heartedly, that’s when we know we were in a situation that wouldn’t permit us access to our full inner potential (that’s a different topic though, I won’t go too much into that). Here I feel I’m allowed to be seen, without judgement, shame or criticism or complexes controlling me. In this current place, I feel 100% myself… I feel freer than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel closer to life and closer to all the people I’ve crossed paths with, as I’ve moved around… I feel closer to Ireland, and I see it through different eyes, yet again… It’s even more mysterious, and that’s why I love it so much.

I like to think, after speaking with Lorraine (she’s my publisher…that sounds so strange to be saying it like that!!!), that I know something of a fraction of what the upcoming months will bring. But then again, really I don’t. At this marker in the game of life, I’m new… I don’t know the rules, I don’t know the way… But it’s this fact that reassures me it will revealing and life changing and so it can only be brilliant.

Surprising Home - 2

4pm approached and I was in the arrival hall. There weren’t a lot of people waiting so I had full view of the gates and the entrance doors. I knew that within minutes the family would walk out and at the same time my brother-in-laws would walk in the entrance doors. And I’m standing there, sweating buckets (even though it was only 5 degrees). I was having hot flushes and was dying to tell everyone that I was about to surprise the family by coming home after a year of being on the road, unannounced. But I didn’t. I just waited and waited and jumped for joy inside.

And then it happened. My mam walked out, I left my luggage unattended (oops) and ran towards her, hugging and hugging her for ages… My little sister didn’t know what was happening, and the brother-in-laws – who had also just arrived - were even more confused… ‘Where did you come from?!?!? Weren’t you supposed to be in… some place in Asia???’ There was so much happening, so much explaining, so much hugging, so many people… all quite overwhelming.

We drove to Hulst and in the car, I felt to be vomiting words… I talked and talked and talked… it was all just ‘bla bla’… and, on reflection, this showed that I hadn’t been chatting freely with people for quite a few months. Everyone just let me chat and chat… without interrupting… Wouw such ‘freedom of speech’ was the biggest treat! Once I’d surprised the sisters - who were shocked and even shed some tears of joy - I started to run out of steam. Come to think of it, I didn’t arrive with a huge amount of energy to start with, after travelling continuously and having passed through various timezones. I was more frazzled than I’ve been in a long long time… I didn’t know what day it was, or what time it was supposed to be according to my bodyclock. Everything was ‘out of whack’…

Needless to say that being apart of a family, with 14 members, was quite a big adjustment. I didn’t expect to get so absorbed in their lives. Or, actually, I did, but I didn’t expect for it to take its toll on me so much. At times I struggled when dealing with the amount of people around me, who I was able to understand and communicate freely with. My head spun on many an occasion as I tried to keep up with the haste of their days. I became apart of only their world and because I wasn’t on top of the jetlag and not full of a huge amount of energy, I felt distant from my own world. I was overwhelmed many times and I felt to be losing myself. I wasn’t writing, I wasn’t on my blog… why not? Due to a frazzled head that couldn’t think properly. Nor did that head dare to make sense of the events that had come to pass. The time in Holland was really like being in transition… I knew it was only temporary and a sense of ‘me’ would soon return. So I did all I could to keep ‘with it’. I spent precious time with my nieces and nephews, with my sisters, with the family. I shared the most important things with them before it was time to move onwards to Ireland.

On Wednesday it was time for me to leave. It’s always sad to say goodbye to my sisters and their kids of course. But I needed to move forward, because movement felt to have stopped whilst I was there. I knew that there were things waiting for me in Ireland. I needed space to clear my head and to get passed the jetlag. I needed to focus my mind again on the things that would bring me towards new experiences. I needed to get to the place where everything felt to be happening for me. And that was Arklow in county Wicklow, Ireland. I never ever thought I’d hear my speak these words, or write them… but it’s how it is right now; this is where I need to be and it feels amazing.

Surprising Home!

Holland: I’ve been and gone… but still the journey beforehand and the stop itself needs to be jotted down.

It only took me 6 days to get from Kayamkulam to Hulst (which is the town in Holland where my sisters live): 2 nights on a train, 1 night in a hostel, 1 night in an airport, 1 night in something of a 5 star hotel and on day 6 I arrived at the airport in Brussels, Belgium (which is only an hour from Hulst). To summarize it differently; 40 hours on a train, 36 hours in Mumbai, 12 hours at the airport, 6 hours on a plane, 22 hours in Egypt, 5 hours on a plane… and Brussels ‘suddenly’ greeted me.

The most memorable parts of this whole 6 day journey were when I had 2 separate conversations at Mumbai airport, with an Indian man and a Chinese man. With both I ended up chatting for ages about my Indian experiences, my Chinese experiences, my likes, my dislikes, together with the comparisons and annoyances that I’d come to deal with in both countries. It was the perfect way to spend my last few hours in India; summarizing the past year (almost to the exact date) - with 2 men who were native to each country. As well it was good for me to hear myself speak about the adventures. Because sometimes, most times, I wouldn’t realize just how much has happened and how much my life has changed since leaving home nearly 365 days ago.

Another highlight of the trip was on Thursday. I had a stop over in Cairo, Egypt. I expected to be waiting at the airport for 22 hours for my connecting flight to Brussels the following morning. I expected to be sleeping on bench in the waiting hall. But nope! The airline was offering a hotel for the night, to all passengers who were in transit… COMPLEMENTARY! Wouw… and what a hotel this was… it was huge, not too sure how many stars… but judging by the customers and the service that was provided… holy moly… it must have been at least 5 stars! To me, it felt to be luxury of the highest degree… (all organized by Egypt Air!!!!) I had a private room, clean sheets, double bed, en-suite bathroom (with a bathtub!!!), internet, movies and 3 meals included (a buffet serving the most delicious fresh foods…all you can eat). I was in heaven… moving onwards to Holland.

But still nobody knew of my whereabouts. I hadn’t written about my exact plan of action on my blog, as I wanted to surprise everyone. By Thursday I knew I couldn’t keep my mam in the dark any longer. She was getting worried; she knew my visa was expiring the following day. It’s only natural for her to – literally – be wondering where on earth Niamh is! So from that place, on Thursday afternoon, I decided to finally contact her and tell her I’d be seeing her in 24 hours time!

I was full of so much excitement, squealing down the laptop: ‘I’m in Egypt!’ This was quite an unexpected place for me to be (especially when I’d only been talking of travelling to Nepal or South East Asia). But once I ran through my plans and the route of my trip, things started to make sense. Cool… my mother was ecstatic, and she only told my younger brother. She kept my sisters in the dark. The following day, my mam, brother, sister and nephew, were flying from Dublin to Brussels too (coincidentally they were flying into the same airport). They were visiting my sisters in Holland for the christening of my niece. I knew this was a big celebration and it was the reason for stopping in Holland before heading onwards to Ireland. But I didn’t know the ‘brady brunch’ from Ireland would be landing in the same airport only 2 hours after my flight was to arrive. Brilliant!

The thoughts of seeing the family again, got me so excited and I couldn’t believe I was going to be returning unannounced again… The last time I came back (in July 2010), nobody knew about it either. I rocked up on the doorstep, shocking the life out of my 2 sisters in Holland. This was going to be a dejavu! Yes!

The night at the hotel was so nice, even though I had a hard time getting proper rest (so much was happening and racing through my mind - I felt it hard to contain myself). The next morning, I had the 5 hour flight and onboard I was already feeling the ease that comes when being in the west. I was hearing European languages around me, I was blending in with the crowds and was free from the stares… How nice! I landed at 2pm and had 2 hours to wait before the others would land. They (aswell as I) were being collected by my 2 brother in laws…

So I waited in excitement. I sat and had my first cappuccino in a café and was excitedly doing some writing. I was nervous too. But it wasn’t only for seeing the family again. It was for realizing that by heading to Ireland I was taking the risk I’d been so scared of actually facing. The fear of actually doing what I need; totally focussing on writing, I was facing it. But the nerves and excitement made me feel alive. I wasn’t worried at all. I knew, as I sat in that café with my cappuccino, that I was at the start of something big.

Some last notes from India - goodbye for now

Another thing I noticed was that there are so many men!!!!! Today I’ve seen thousands and thousands and thousands of male Indians, but I spotted only a handful of women! What a strange thing. Where are they all? Are they safely at home, cooking, cleaning and looking after the kids, while the men work hard out on the streets, trying to earn a few rupees by either scamming the tourists, or maintaining the roads, or sweeping the dirt, or pushing carts, or making their greasy delicacies??? I guess so…

I must admit I felt this to be a real mans world, this Mumbai. But it didn’t bother me too much and I wasn’t phased by their harsh approach that dominates absolutely everything in the city. I wasn’t daunted by their glares and I didn’t get annoyed once. I didn’t feel the way I’ve felt on a daily basis in Kerala, when the stares would come. Nope. Today I found it normal for them to look. I could understand why the men would be appalled to see a ‘young’ foreign girl ON HER OWN, wandering the streets of Mumbai, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. I can understand the disgust of these men, towards me. I know it’s nothing personal… and I know it’s because their own wives and daughters would never ever be permitted such freedom. So, I was fine, I was wary and yes, I felt that the stares were justified, so I wasn’t frustrated. And because most of the men were all very tough, harsh and unable to speak English, I became more friendly and appreciative when some of them DID have some friendliness to share with me. Yes, it was a very different experience. Maybe because it’s my last day, maybe it’s because I realize how inexperienced I really am. Yes, I realize how little I know about countries, about travel, about customs, and about the religions that dominate the minds of the millions and millions of people.

After today and my short encounter with Mumbai, I can’t say I’ve lost any love for India at all. Instead I’ve probably gained more inspiration for the diversity that’s here and more of a willingness to learn, to see, to experience and to document their lives (for some strange reason). Today has made me want to return of course and to explore beyond Kerala. Today has also made me want to connect with people again from other places other than India.

So I’m feeling better about leaving, compared to the last time. I don’t mind moving on, and I know for a fact I’ll return. I also know for a fact that now it’s time to leave. So I’m happy. I took the last rickshaw from the station to the airport. He overcharged me, but I didn’t care… I loved every minute of the ride and when I paid him, I didn’t throw the money at him (like I did to the rickshaw driver back in July 2010 who also overcharged me for the same ride). Nope. I gave it to him and thanked him, I told him how much I loved his country and that I would be back. He didn’t understand English, but I think he got my drift…

So this was my goodbye to India for the 2nd time round… I wonder when the next time will be. I’ll never stop looking forward.

Keeping track of the days

My last day at school ended on quite a high. There was a festival at a temple and a group of students had to give a concert, chanting songs. All the teachers had to be there too. They needed to be on stage, sitting like Buddha’s just like the kids, singing, swaying, clapping, chanting. It was quite an experience; the energy their volume and sound created, was massive. It felt like a perfect way for me to end my time at the school. There was also an audience of a few hundred people and an elephant was the star guest. Afterwards all the students and teachers were on such a high, as was I. We were brought back home in the schoolbus. Making our way through the tiny village roads there were more elephants being walked along the roads through the dark. Man, I was having those moments of awe: realizing… that YES I’m in India! I was then dropped back at the hostel, I said farewell to them all, gave them my best and funniest Malayalam and phrases (the local language), they all roared with laughter, I jumped out of the bus, skipped off down the lane to the hostel, only to hear the teachers shouting out of the window for me to come back soon. It was quite an exit… But I felt so great.

So, Saturday was the last full day in Kayamkulam. I was packing, posting, meeting, washing, ‘netting’ (online) and whatever else I needed to be doing. Sunday morning I set off to the trainstation. And I didn’t think twice about the fact that I was moving on. It was so strange. Leaving Kayamkulam didn’t feel like I was closing any doors. I just… left, without too much reflection or contemplation or sadness. All I heard myself saying was: ‘I’m moving onwards to bigger and better circumstances and accomplishments’. So how could a person be sad? I know if I miss Kerala and want to come back, the school will take me in an instant. I know how easily I can make it happen. Nothing is impossible and if I’m meant to return, then it will be.

Anyhow, I got the train to Kottayam on Sunday morning, to make a short stop. I was meeting with a teacher friend, from the second school I was working in during my first time in India (Ebenezer). I hadn’t seen her since leaving the school, but we’ve had a lot of contact on facebook and to meet her again on my last day in Kerala was quite a special ending. Having such connections will always be one of the things that will draw me back sooner or later. After our short but very sweet meeting I boarded the train; 40 hours of sitting and starting out the window, lay ahead of me. And wouw, what a trip it was! It was actually one of the most memorable ones I’ve had. I felt so calm and everything became so clear to me, as I gazed out the window, happy to do absolutely nothing for hours and hours on end – except for reflect and gaze at the scenery and people. It was quite a ride… I didn’t really sleep too much. Because the temperature dropped quite a bit during the night, and I was without a blanket. But, nevertheless, it was great. Coming into Mumbai at 5am, after a few sleepless nights, was something I wasn’t really looking forward to.

Actually, secretly I was dreading being in Mumbai. I didn’t want to be hanging around the city for 2 full days. I hadn’t even booked anywhere to stay. And I knew how much of a hassle it can be, trying to find a place to stay with 25 kilos of luggage weighing me down whilst trying to keep the men at bay who would be forcing overpriced taxi’s and hotels on me.

This morning, walking out of the station so early, the drivers jumped on me and I didn’t fight them off. I didn’t have the energy. So I went along with an offer one of the drivers gave me. He wasn’t totally honest and upfront and sprung some hidden charges on me, once we were in the guest house. These were charges he so conveniently ‘forgot’ to mention when we were getting into the taxi. But that’s my own fault and a lesson learnt for the next time. I’m over it. And I’m getting my moneys worth! Because, now that I’m sitting here, in a place that’s clean and quiet and permitting me to write (not like the other place I’d considered spending 36 hours – meaning the bench in the middle of Mumbai Central Station). And I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

Nobody from home knows of my plans. I’ve not had the time to contact them properly. And I’ve not known whether or not to surprise them… There’s one in the family who I’ll keep my homecoming from, and I might give the rest a little notice… But I know my mother has her suspicions… she knows me too well! haha… Either way… It’s all good, I’ll be welcomed with open arms and whole lot of love!

How nice to know I’ll soon be able to hug so many people who are close to me! I’ve missed it so much…

Bringing Travels Back Home...

It’s been a long time coming: this particular update. Since… the 4th of December to be exact! My most recent updates have all been focussed on getting my book ‘out there’ and often there have been hints of the need to still travel. I’ve only been hinting, because I was wary of jinxing the next chapter, before things were more certain. Okay, I’ll start from the beginning. I’ll step away from any ‘book jargon’ – by that I mean any chitchat about how eager I am to get published - and I’ll just update on my travels and how things have come about.

Stepping back, just to recap for a moment (I always seem to do this!). When I first got back to Ireland, or to Europe, in July, I was eager to leave. This wasn’t a secret and everyone who knew me and who was following my travels, may have been shocked by the fact that I didn’t continue to live the travel dream, by heading back out into the world, after what was supposed to be a brief encounter with home and the family. I myself was shocked too! I never planned any of this – I never planned to stay in Ireland nearly 6 months! I never knew that I’d find a place where I could finally focus on writing a book. And the fact that it was unplanned, showed in my actions.

Back in the Summer, when I was in Holland for only 10 days (from the 27th of July until the 07th of August) all I could do was think about how fast I could get myself back to the so-called ‘Asian belt’. Online I searched for jobs and I got in contact with recruitment agencies that solely provide teaching jobs for TESOL certificate holders (that’s the same course I took in India). So, when just arriving back from India and Rome, I found out about particular sources that could benefit my travels. I wanted to get away so badly; I wanted to return to India, or head to China, Thailand, Vietnam or Japan…

But I followed my heart back to Ireland instead. It was simply where the road was taking me, yet the drive to keep journeying was still there. In Ireland, during the first 2 weeks, I still kept searching and nearly landed myself in Russia! It wasn’t for the experience of actually teaching or being in a new and different country – no. It was simply because I felt so much resistance against being here in Ireland.

My heart had called me back to Ireland though for a reason I first-off wasn’t aware of. But as time passed, the reason started to unfold. When I started being honest, I was facing facts: I needed to write this book so badly before setting foot into the world again. I had to majorly readjust the mind-setting. My mind had to be eased into feeling comfort in a place I’d always rejected. I needed to ‘ground myself’. How else can a book be written?! It’s impossible. It took quite some weeks before I started to feel enough settlement for the story to unfold. However my mind never totally adjusted – which just shows that travel really isn’t just a whim for me. I found a place I love and a place I can call home – yet still it’s not where I can settle! What a lesson to have learnt… Sorry, getting slightly off-track!

Throughout September and October I was trying to find the flow, so the book would start spilling… And once I found much needed routine, flow and place of peace (which turned-out to be the desk here at home), I could already feel that the story/the book was coming to an end and that I needed to be looking ahead. I needed to know that there were travel-plans being made so I could leave that part of me in peace and use every ounce of energy in the here and now, in order to work towards creating the end of the story.

At around that same time, my call was answered! It was the middle of November and I was suddenly contacted by the same recruitment agencies I’d been in contact with during the summer. The contacts I’d made throughout my 10 days in Holland, back in July, had been forgotten about for months. And suddenly when I knew I needed to get the travel plans moving again, I’m approached by one particular agency, with job offers to teach English! It was freaky and amazing, all at once! Because, even though I FELT I needed to start searching again, I didn’t actually go out to find THEM.. THEY CAME TO ME!

New Year - New Visions

The start of yet another new year. 2011. I’m back in Ireland, after 10 eventful days in Holland. The past 2 weeks have been manic and I can only say how delighted I am to be back in Ireland. I’m not saying that Holland wasn’t great – because it was. Spending time with the whole family, was so special. It had been 2 years since we were all together like that. And so, it was a break I needed. It wasn’t until I was back in Ireland that I realized why – apart from the time I spent with the family.

The 10 days in Holland confirmed what I’d already knew; Holland isn’t my place. I sometimes feel bad to admit this, because it’s where so many of my close family and friends live and I never really see the point in talking badly about something that gives a loved-one a safe and settled place in which to live. So all I’ll say is that my days in Holland put Ireland into perspective all over again. The timing was perfect too. On the 31st of December, I flew back to Ireland, with something new. I returned to Ireland, knowing that I wanted to and needed to. I felt it was going to be the place from which to start venturing. In comparison to when I returned to Ireland on the 7th of August, when I really didn’t want to accept what I was doing with a resistance to a period of ‘settling’, I felt so relieved to walk off the plane and to breathe the Irish damp air. I felt the space and the ease in being here, even before leaving the airport. I felt so at home in Ireland and this was so new to me!

Yes, all that I’ve learnt, since arriving back in August, is now put into place. Rejecting Ireland, as I did when I first got back here, has proven to be the fear I was running towards. And it paid off! Because now I’ve faced it and I never ever will speak badly of Ireland again. I’ll never resist it and it feels amazing to have established my roots here and to feel good with it. So, on the morning of the 31st this is what I was realizing. At the same time I felt that the period of being temporarily settled here, is also coming to an end. This is what I know so well, because from here on in, I’ll be sorting out the next step. No matter what happens over the next few weeks, I know I’ll be leaving. I feel that new things are on the horizon and what better time for this to have happened – just as the new year started! This was celebration enough for me; the vision of big things... That sent me higher than any amount of Jack Daniels and lemonade I was drinking, when toasting to the new year!

I can’t say too much about travel at the moment, there’s just one particular thing I’m waiting patiently to happen, then I’ll know for ‘sure’ where the next chapter will take me. In terms of the book, I also know what I have to do. An objective opinion is required. I need somebody who isn’t personally involved to read it and provide some constructive criticism. I have to research and approach whoever it may be that will offer help and guidance. It’s up to me. I was wondering whether or not to edit it myself, again. But I can’t. Not yet. It needs some outside attention. My baby still needs to be introduced! Mam has already been acquainted... and she was delighted to meet it ;) Now I simply have to trust that the next person will too express an honest opinion on what my baby has become. I feel so calm that what I’m doing right now, is the right thing.

So, as the new year starts, I’m so excited by what lies ahead. I’ll soon be stepping away from Ireland and in the meantime, my baby is resting and will be waking up soon... once the alarm goes off and the call can be answered!

Opening another!

This leads me to answer questions that others have been asking.. What's the next step? Well, as with any BABY, it needs to be introduced to the world, it needs to be loved and cared for, it needs the best of the best in terms of support and recognition. All so it develops into what it's meant to be, and so much more! As I'm writing this, it's being read by the most important person: my Mam. Once that's done, I'll know if I'm comfortable with how it is, in its current state and if things should be added or taken away and then I'll find out how to protect it (COPYWRITE!!!!).

It's all very odd, because it's still totally up to me who I approach and what route I take in order for it to grow. I'm searching for a publishers that will see it for what it is, maybe suggest some edits that need to be made - which also could confirm a few doubts that I have myself regarding some of the content. That sounds like a perfect world??!!! Well, guess what? It can be a perfect world, if I choose to see it in that light. Rejection is something I can only grow stronger from and it will challenge me to stand in my truth - in the truth that IS the book. Not everyone will like it, not everyone will approve and many will find it too painful, difficult, deep or dark. But, again, it's my story and it's what I've been carrying around with me, ever since I left Ireland in April 2009.

I realized that I was in India, dreaming of writing, I even knew the title and what it was that needed to be brought into the world. And that's exactly what I've done, it's what I've created and it's not to seek approval from anybody or anything. The book has become an expression of who I was and how I've become who I am today. It's what I aimed to create. I can do whatever I please with the opinions, suggestions and constructive criticism of the world - be that on a personal or a professional level. It's an inevitable element of the next stage.

So the coming month, this is what I must do... Simply be with my baby without fear of it being wrong or right. It's something I've dreamt of doing, and I made it happen. That alone gives me all the strength and reassurance I need when 'gelling' with the world that lies behind the book we simply see on the shelves in every bookshop!!!

The world, and whatever aspect of it we're opening ourselves up to, can be as challenging, easy, harsh or perfect as we ourselves make it out to be!!!
And for me, this next stage of the book, is filled with just as many lessons and revelations as the first stage... For now, I'm in Holland, until the 31st to spend Christmas with the family. I'm keeping these days as light as light can be and once Mam has been properly introduced to my baby, I'll know what to do: Trust, trust and trust some more - that everything is working as it should!!!

Time to move

Today is my last day in Holland. I’ve seen all the special people I wanted to see, and I feel it’s time to leave. I’m happy to have come, but I’m just as happy to leave. This isn’t because of the people, but it’s just this way of life. I’m on my way to “everywhere” and “nowhere” all at once, and I simply need to keep on going, even though I have no plans. Staying longer than a week and a half, would be out of laziness. It would be too easy almost, and for that, I’m not even giving myself the chance to get into this way of living. A brief encounter is just confirming what I already believed, months ago: Holland isn’t for me. I don’t feel comfortable here and many things are telling me this. I have nothing to hold me here, so I don’t even need to consider what living here again would be like.

However, it’s something I do anyhow; when I pass through a place, without a “next step planned” and with all my options open; I consider what it would be like to stay in that certain place for a longer period of time, or to settle there and find a job. And I always realize, so soon if it is or isn’t for me. It happened in Italy, it happened in Holland and in Ireland, I know I’ll question my being there in the same way. I’ll wonder, I’ll contemplate, I’ll embrace all aspects of a potential life that I could so easily have there and an urge will come telling me to either stay for as long as it feels good or to leave because it won’t give me what I need at this moment in my life. Again, it’s not the people who will determine this. But it’s me.

So I’m ready to leave Holland. I’m ready to go to Ireland. Saying goodbye here, won’t be easy. It never is. But seeing everyone, once I get to the “other side” will be brilliant, and finally meeting my godson Cian for the first time, is something I can’t wait for! Whatever Ireland will reveal, will be good. It has to be. I cannot loose the urge I have that’s telling me to stay on the road. It cannot disappear just by me being on home ground again. It’s a challenge I’m rising to: going back without a plan of action and still with a longing to travel and to be and go wherever I want and need to be. It’s a challenge to touch base and to still remain free. It should be so easy. It can be so easy. It will be so easy. It actually already IS so easy..

My 10 days of "going Dutch"

My days in Holland are numbered. Today it’s Friday - the 6th. I’ve been here since last Tuesday the 27th and have had a brilliant time. I feel I’ve been here for way longer though. The first few days, passed me by in a daze. Up until Saturday morning I was struggling to stay here in this world, with my mind. I was constantly wandering elsewhere, unfocused and disconnected. It could have been exhaustion.

My weeks of constantly going and moving were suddenly catching up on me. I realized within a few days of “stopping” here in Hulst, that for 4 weeks non-stop, I’ve had a big change in surroundings, environment, climate, food and people -I went from the school to the ashram, then to the city-life of Chennai, then the European city-life of Rome and now to the family home life in Holland. Not only these changes had worn me out, but I also skipped at least one full night of sleep, every week and got sick along the way - with all overnight journey’s and strange travel hours. So Friday night, I felt I had reached my max. I can’t remember the last time I’d ever been so tired. I thought I was never going to recover. But of course I did. And the following morning I was back on track again. I felt apart of this world and I was happy to be here.

I’ve been spending most of my time with Emma and Orla, Aiden and Enya. Before coming, I knew my time in Holland was going to be brief, so I wasn’t planning on visiting friends “all over the country” which is what I would usually do. I’d usually plan my weeks as much as possible; I’d fill them with as many meetings with as many friends as possible. I would feel obliged almost to constantly gallivant around this part of Holland to catch-up with everyone and party hard, before leaving again. That’s how I used to approach my visits. But this time it’s different. I spent time only with those I cherish: my sister, 4 special friends and seeing my cousins Sandra and Naomi was a big and unexpected bonus!

Another bonus, this week: I got to see Emma singing in her band, on Saturday night, at a gig by the beach in Scheveningen. I never expected this to happen. The chances of her performing, on the only weekend I was in Holland, were so slim. But it happened! It was the first time for me to see her on stage. I’d only heard her voice recording, up until Saturday. Many times over the past year, when I was low, I would listen to Emma’s music on my laptop and cry - not sad tears, but proud and happy tears - for hearing her voice and for feeling closer to her and the whole family. I always wished I’d see her singing those songs live. It was of course the highlight of my week. And my first proper big night out, in months. This made it all the more memorable.

Monday I was still wondering when to leave. I hadn’t made a decision. I knew I had to go, but kept putting it off. I was enjoying myself and it was easy being here. But I still had to keep moving and make my way to Ireland. Ma was so eager to see me, as was I to see her! She would never actually say: Niamh, when are you coming home”, or “I think it’s time you got back to Ireland”. Never has she said this, even now that I’m so close. And for that, I have so much respect. It gives me so much freedom, because I’m certain that every decision I make is based on what I want, and not what others may want. On Monday I booked a flight to Ireland, and I’m leaving tomorrow morning (Saturday the 7th). I fly to Dublin at around 06.30am. I’ll be ringing Ma tonight, to tell her I’ll be there tomorrow. That way it’s still a little bit of a surprise.

Surprise!!

I reached Hulst on Tuesday afternoon, at 5pm. I started thinking that maybe Emma was on holidays, maybe Orla was out of town, maybe there would be no where for me to stay, maybe, maybe, maybe… So many maybe’s.

I walked from the busstation in Hulst, to Emma’s house. Surprisingly I had next to no nerves, just an eagerness to know if I’d see them today. After 16 months of leaving - I was back and nobody knew! I didn’t really realize what I was doing: walking back into their lives, so unannounced. Turning their world upside down, but in a positive way (I hoped).

My timing turned out to be perfect. Both Emma and Orla had just returned home from their holidays, a day ago. How lucky was I! (arriving 2 days earlier would have made me homeless; how crazy is that!) I was over the moon though, when it turned out that I‘d get to see everybody. And their reaction is one I won’t forget. There was shock on their behalf, excitement on my behalf, emotions on everybody’s behalf.. But all in the most positive and happy way!

It’s 2 days later. After my first hour of being back, it felt so natural and normal to be here. So it’s needless to say that now, it still feels normal and as if I’ve been here a lot longer than only 2 days. This is good though. Because feeling normal keeps me with this reality and in touch with this world. And when I’m in this world, I know that what I want is something different. This normality and this reality, isn’t for me. And that keeps me focused on what I want and not what people in my surroundings think I should do, or expect me to do. What I want from life, is not here. That much I knew before coming, and still know right now.

It’s amazing that I’m getting to spend this time with Emma, Orla in their own worlds with their gorgeous kids, and to be apart of their lives so close once again. And it’s also amazing to feel that, even though I’m here unannounced, I’m being taken in and embraced so much. It feels like only yesterday I seen them, even though I’ve changed in certain ways. These ways of change may be of a deeper nature, and therefore not visible with the first encounter. But they are there, I can feel them. Others may or may not. And I’m fine with that. Because, either way, that deeper change is where I get the inspiration from so I can continue along this journey, my journey, that is simply called: an amazing life!

Reaching Antwerp - 27-07

Tuesday afternoon - the 27th - I reached Antwerp, in Belgium. I was only 45 minutes from Emma’s, in Hulst, which is just over the Dutch boarder. Nobody knew of my whereabouts; I still hadn’t contacted anybody. I actually didn’t even have a way of contacting anybody; I had no mobile phone and the public phones only work with calling cards! How inconvenient is this world! (or probably too convenient for somebody who isn’t as practical as she once was) It was so strange, to be in a city so close to where I always lived and studied. Now I was in the same area, but with my backpack and still travelling in the same fashion as I had travelled through Australia, Thailand and India; not knowing exactly what I was doing. All I was doing was living. I was trying not to question (too much) why I was in the place I was; I had to be somewhere in this world, and for now, I was simply touching “base” with some parts of my roots.

When I was dropped in Antwerp, after a 26 hour bus journey, I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know from where to get the bus, the “line 19” that would bring me straight to Emma’s. At that point, I was tired, I was cold and in need of some rest. It had been 40degrees in Rome and now it was 20 degrees in Antwerp. People were walking around in t-shirt and shorts. Niamh however, was sitting on the terrace of a café, listening to people speaking Flemish (the Dutch language with a Belgium accent). I resorted to wearing my hat and scarf, my sweater and extra leggings underneath my trousers. With a bowl of hot chicken soup I was trying to figure out my next plan of action: to call home or not to call? But I figured; I’ve come so far without telling anybody, I’m not going to spoil the surprise at this stage.

So I went on my way. Off to Hulst it was! I’d figure out how and from where to get the bus to Hulst and whatever happens, happens. I’d travelled in far more complicated places than Europe! Why was I suddenly wondering how and if I’d get from A to B? This was supposed to be so easy. In the end, it was. I had a 15 minute walk to the bus-stop. I was in the middle of this city, but it was so peaceful and quiet. The traffic wasn’t noisy. I was overloaded with my luggage, but it was the nicest and easiest walk I’ve had in such a long time; the footpath wasn’t a mess, it didn’t have obstacles, there were hardly any people, nobody was honking their horn at me, there were no stares - even though I looked so out of place and was a “sight for sore eyes“. I was loving it! I hopped onto the bus to Hulst, and had to laugh at myself. This was the same bus I’d usually get when I was in college, each weekend, 7 years ago! Now I was on the same bus, after being “around the world” or simply “on the road” for more than a year. I was returning but I still had a feeling to be travelling. I was, in fact, still travelling! This was cool.

There was excitement. But no massive build-up to being re-united with Emma and Orla, because nobody knew nothing. I knew if I’d have booked a flight, there would have been so much anticipation from both myself and the family. The “thud” of landing in Holland, would have been like a “big bang“ or explosion even - and I’d have either felt amazing or trapped and panicked. I would also have easily experienced a “come down” and a feeling of disappointment, when realizing the anticipation that had been building-up, was only temporary. It happened in the past, when I returned from travels: the excitement wears off so suddenly and the reality can seem bleak because life isn’t as amazing as you thought it was going to be, when you were counting down the days to being re-united with loved ones, after being apart for so long.

But by this approach I was taking; by not telling anybody what I was doing, by just passing through and by following this urge to “touch-base” with Holland, I was flowing instead of expecting. I was living for the moment instead of trying to predict the future. I was free and not planning too much. This would make me appreciate everything so much more. Also I was certain that whatever was to happen over to come, I’d know what to do next.. I was delighted with how things were planning out!

Reflecting on Rome

On my first day in Rome, I swore to myself that I would embrace all that this city could offer me. And that’s exactly what I did, through the help of David! It was a true and pure encounter with Italy. 1 week was plenty though, especially considering the world I just stepped out of, a day before arriving to this city.

I’ll sum-up what can be classed as a “true and pure Italian encounter”, in my eyes, and the reason as to why 1 week was plenty for me. Well, I was in a city where image is everything, where snobbishness can fill the streets, where life is presented to be as pretty as a picture and where everything is seemingly “perfect”. Rome showed me civilized control and physical cleanliness again, but it filled my mind with a drive to fill my life - or just my already overloaded backpack - with material garbage. It then filled my body with too much alcohol, smoke, caffeine and late night heavy Italian dinners. A perfect holiday for a week, in many people’s opinion.

For me though it was a big challenge to let myself simply get swept away with “indulgence”, at almost every given moment. As I said, 1 day before arriving, I left India; India that filled me with almost a normality in being uncivilized and chaotic. Even though it polluted my body with physical dirt, it still filled my mind with utter amazement and inspiration. And these 2 things were all I wanted to fill my “backpack“ with, when engaging with that Indian world. India may have wrecked my head in many ways, but it filled my heart to the max. And that counts for so much more.

I challenged myself during my week in Rome, I embraced what I could - which is what I promised myself I'd do - and then I simply left! I’m happy to have experienced such contrasts, in such different worlds, in such a short space of time. And just to touch something briefly that I’ve questioned many times over the past 6 months, with the Indian way of life: Is it a world that can be seen as unreal and like a game that they are playing? I figure that Rome, or just generally in Europe, is also just as much of a game. But it’s being played with different rules. So questioning whose world is real, and which one is better or worse, is a question without an answer, in my eyes.

We can play the roles that our surroundings expect us to fill, like I did when I was in Rome on Tuesday morning (the 20th) for example. I was strolling through Rome by myself, with confidence, as if I knew where I was going, as if I belonged to the city, looking to fit in with the Italian “glamour” - with my new handbag, my sunglasses and my hair suddenly groomed - I was playing along, and enjoyed it thoroughly. Just like I was playing along 10 days before that, in India, when I went to a birthday celebration, dressed in my Indian sari, feeling as if I’d worn it many times before, and forgetting that I was sticking out like a “sore thumb”, as Westerners always do. I was, and still am, playing the roles that are apart of this game that is called “life”. 2 weeks ago, India was my reality, then Rome was my reality and now what I’m typing here, is my reality.

I suppose your reality is what you want it to be at that moment, and can change whenever you either want it to change or when the environment “forces“ you to change it. Either way, as long as we’re truthful and honest to who we are inside, we can fill any role in the world we want. We can fill it with such confidence and strength. This makes it so easy to be apart of every world we step into. If we have a sense of belonging in our own world inside, then we will always have a sense of belonging in the bigger world outside.

Seeking

After the weekend, either losing focus or losing sleep. But that’s okay because I have all the time in the world, or in Australia, to catch-up on all of that. That’s all there is to do. I’m here now just over 2 weeks and it feels like so much longer. Is this good or bad? I reckon it’s a good thing. It means that I settled so quickly and easily into this life. And that’s always a good thing. I don’t really think back to my time in Ireland too much. When I do, it’s only to feel reassured that I am where I want to be. However reassurance isn’t something I need. So I don’t have to look back therefore when I do it might simply be because I can’t get my around the difference between how I felt in one place and how I feel right here.

I don’t miss Ireland, only certain people. I don’t miss Holland, only certain people. It’s only normal to miss the people and it comes with being away from home. But I don’t really feel like I’m away from home. Isn’t that only a feeling you have when you have a life to go back to? I don’t feel I do. There’s nothing in this world that’s pulling me back to what I once did or once had, how ever selfish that might sound. There are only the adventures that lie ahead that are pulling me towards them. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, than on this journey.

I don’t know when exactly I’m going to be heading where I’m supposed to be heading. But just to be on the road, even though I’m staying with Trish for now, is where I want and need to be. I’m settled in one spot for a short time. But it doesn’t feel bad. It only makes me want to aim for the next step. The one that will make me feel unsettled. Then I’m being challenged and can work on feeling settled again until I want and need to unsettle myself once more. I can feel at ease so easily in one place but just as easily and quickly I can feel uneasy in another place. It’s seeking a different environment, a different outlook, a different life based on short-term encounters with certain people, situations and events. It opens the eyes so briefly again with all the impressions that are so rich and so alive. Even if they are impressions that aren’t being seen for the first time, they can still feel like they are as it’s either been so long or they were so dearly missed.

I’ll go anywhere and do anything. That’s what I want and what I need. It’s like thrill seeking, because that’s all there is. I feel so blessed for being able to seek that thrill, that adventure, that uncertainty. I feel so rich because of it. I can revel in that fact, but only for so long. Once that has settled, the next step needs to be taken. I’m working on that step for the moment. Exactly how, what and when, I can’t say just yet. But as soon as I have a little bit more certainty, you will be the first to know.