New Years Day. 2012. Yesterday I sat down to do some updating, but the only thing that came out were ‘pity notes’ about the fact that I wasn’t celebrating the turning of the year, because of being in a town that does little to mark the occasion and also because of living in a hostel with only 3 other women, who all would be in bed by 10pm, after watching some bad Indian television and eating 3 different spicy curries only 10 minutes before saying goodnight. This is exactly what happened and I participated. And that concluded my celebration.
Yesterday afternoon, I was doom and gloom. It had been monsooning non-stop for nearly 2 full days – that could’ve affected me a little. I went on the internet, but didn’t want to email, or blog… so I only rang home and winged a little to my mother on skype… (oops!). But I was just feeling quite strange about everything – I’d been giving classes on New Years Eve and I didn’t have a feeling that it was December 31st at all nor did I really have anybody to celebrate with. Really it wasn’t the end of the world, but still I felt to have reached a stage in my life that usually is only reached once the children have moved out and they aren’t bothered to come to see their mother and give her a hug when the clock strikes 12! But, this makes no sense at all! I’m only 28! Not 88…! and I don’t have any kids! and I’m not immobile! And, it’s by my own choice that I didn’t celebrate this year! So what on earth was going through my mind yesterday!? Now, I can see how silly it all was, but yesterday nothing of my reality was clear, only my mind was playing games and those were what mattered to me (you can clearly tell that I was – as often is the case – way too much inside my own head, and not on the positive side of things!) So, yes, I admit it, I was feeling a little down last night. I went to bed in that same low mood (which actually never happens to me). Because it was so rare, I then was convinced that if I’d go to sleep feeling so low in 2011, I’d inevitably wake-up in 2012 feeling the same thing and the start of the new year would continue on a low note… and my life would be only doom and gloom!
So I wished and wished and wished for it to lift… I fell asleep hoping for ‘me and the new year’ NOT to start on bad terms… I then woke up at 11.58pm. Everything was so quiet. There wasn’t a sound in the hostel, all was dark. Outside, not a peep… not a firecracker to be heard… Nothing… then I dosed and woke only 15 minutes later, I checked the time… and wished myself a happy new year. And that was that! I turned over and continued sleeping until around 04.30am. I then woke and the text messages started coming in… it was around that time when most of my dearest were starting their night of celebrations and gatherings. I stayed awake, feeling on edge, restless… felt as though I should be doing something. But then I realized, even with the uneasiness, I was happy again! I was feeling human again! What a relief that the self-pity had subsided and I didn’t care that at that very moment most of my friends and family were all doing something special together and I wasn’t a part of it. It didn’t bother me that I’d been sleeping my way through the turning of the new year and I was happy to open the window and see that I was in India. Yes!!!!!!!
The whole festive season of 2011 has been quite a difficult one; being sick for most of it, continuing to work throughout, and feeling quite lonely at times. But this morning, none of that mattered anymore. It’s all in the past now… It’s a new beginning…
With such clarity I fine to continue life as normal and doing the things I do that get me off to a good start, no matter what day it is… the things that make me feel human and well… meditation, yoga, breathing exercises… then I had breakfast with the 2 other women, I washed my clothes outside on the stone in the hot morning sun (which I was delighted to do, because it meant that finally my strength and energy had returned after the flu took away for nearly 2 weeks. Man, how happy I was that I could be something of a domestic goddess for a few hours).
And now I’m updating with a spirit that’s high again. Only today I’m realizing that it’s been quite some weeks since I’ve been feeling like this. With this spirit it also feels a lot better to wish everybody all the love, light, peace and laughter to come their way, this New Year. Posting a blog here yesterday and saying the same, would only have felt halfhearted… so I’m delighted I didn’t go on my blog! Yay… Okay enough about that… Even if this has been the quietest and most boring new year celebration of my life, I sincerely hope that everyone had a memorable night, with at least one person around them, to hug when the clock struck 12. Be well, be safe, be happy and, most importantly, be healthy throughout it all…
Showing posts with label New Year 2011. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year 2011. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year - New Visions
The start of yet another new year. 2011. I’m back in Ireland, after 10 eventful days in Holland. The past 2 weeks have been manic and I can only say how delighted I am to be back in Ireland. I’m not saying that Holland wasn’t great – because it was. Spending time with the whole family, was so special. It had been 2 years since we were all together like that. And so, it was a break I needed. It wasn’t until I was back in Ireland that I realized why – apart from the time I spent with the family.
The 10 days in Holland confirmed what I’d already knew; Holland isn’t my place. I sometimes feel bad to admit this, because it’s where so many of my close family and friends live and I never really see the point in talking badly about something that gives a loved-one a safe and settled place in which to live. So all I’ll say is that my days in Holland put Ireland into perspective all over again. The timing was perfect too. On the 31st of December, I flew back to Ireland, with something new. I returned to Ireland, knowing that I wanted to and needed to. I felt it was going to be the place from which to start venturing. In comparison to when I returned to Ireland on the 7th of August, when I really didn’t want to accept what I was doing with a resistance to a period of ‘settling’, I felt so relieved to walk off the plane and to breathe the Irish damp air. I felt the space and the ease in being here, even before leaving the airport. I felt so at home in Ireland and this was so new to me!
Yes, all that I’ve learnt, since arriving back in August, is now put into place. Rejecting Ireland, as I did when I first got back here, has proven to be the fear I was running towards. And it paid off! Because now I’ve faced it and I never ever will speak badly of Ireland again. I’ll never resist it and it feels amazing to have established my roots here and to feel good with it. So, on the morning of the 31st this is what I was realizing. At the same time I felt that the period of being temporarily settled here, is also coming to an end. This is what I know so well, because from here on in, I’ll be sorting out the next step. No matter what happens over the next few weeks, I know I’ll be leaving. I feel that new things are on the horizon and what better time for this to have happened – just as the new year started! This was celebration enough for me; the vision of big things... That sent me higher than any amount of Jack Daniels and lemonade I was drinking, when toasting to the new year!
I can’t say too much about travel at the moment, there’s just one particular thing I’m waiting patiently to happen, then I’ll know for ‘sure’ where the next chapter will take me. In terms of the book, I also know what I have to do. An objective opinion is required. I need somebody who isn’t personally involved to read it and provide some constructive criticism. I have to research and approach whoever it may be that will offer help and guidance. It’s up to me. I was wondering whether or not to edit it myself, again. But I can’t. Not yet. It needs some outside attention. My baby still needs to be introduced! Mam has already been acquainted... and she was delighted to meet it ;) Now I simply have to trust that the next person will too express an honest opinion on what my baby has become. I feel so calm that what I’m doing right now, is the right thing.
So, as the new year starts, I’m so excited by what lies ahead. I’ll soon be stepping away from Ireland and in the meantime, my baby is resting and will be waking up soon... once the alarm goes off and the call can be answered!
The 10 days in Holland confirmed what I’d already knew; Holland isn’t my place. I sometimes feel bad to admit this, because it’s where so many of my close family and friends live and I never really see the point in talking badly about something that gives a loved-one a safe and settled place in which to live. So all I’ll say is that my days in Holland put Ireland into perspective all over again. The timing was perfect too. On the 31st of December, I flew back to Ireland, with something new. I returned to Ireland, knowing that I wanted to and needed to. I felt it was going to be the place from which to start venturing. In comparison to when I returned to Ireland on the 7th of August, when I really didn’t want to accept what I was doing with a resistance to a period of ‘settling’, I felt so relieved to walk off the plane and to breathe the Irish damp air. I felt the space and the ease in being here, even before leaving the airport. I felt so at home in Ireland and this was so new to me!
Yes, all that I’ve learnt, since arriving back in August, is now put into place. Rejecting Ireland, as I did when I first got back here, has proven to be the fear I was running towards. And it paid off! Because now I’ve faced it and I never ever will speak badly of Ireland again. I’ll never resist it and it feels amazing to have established my roots here and to feel good with it. So, on the morning of the 31st this is what I was realizing. At the same time I felt that the period of being temporarily settled here, is also coming to an end. This is what I know so well, because from here on in, I’ll be sorting out the next step. No matter what happens over the next few weeks, I know I’ll be leaving. I feel that new things are on the horizon and what better time for this to have happened – just as the new year started! This was celebration enough for me; the vision of big things... That sent me higher than any amount of Jack Daniels and lemonade I was drinking, when toasting to the new year!
I can’t say too much about travel at the moment, there’s just one particular thing I’m waiting patiently to happen, then I’ll know for ‘sure’ where the next chapter will take me. In terms of the book, I also know what I have to do. An objective opinion is required. I need somebody who isn’t personally involved to read it and provide some constructive criticism. I have to research and approach whoever it may be that will offer help and guidance. It’s up to me. I was wondering whether or not to edit it myself, again. But I can’t. Not yet. It needs some outside attention. My baby still needs to be introduced! Mam has already been acquainted... and she was delighted to meet it ;) Now I simply have to trust that the next person will too express an honest opinion on what my baby has become. I feel so calm that what I’m doing right now, is the right thing.
So, as the new year starts, I’m so excited by what lies ahead. I’ll soon be stepping away from Ireland and in the meantime, my baby is resting and will be waking up soon... once the alarm goes off and the call can be answered!
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