At the end of October I’ll be moving into the little cottage in Athenry. I didn’t want to stay in Galway until that time. I’d had enough of roaming the streets, searching for sanity and places to write whilst coffee-shop-hopping. I couldn’t ‘do’ city life or hostel life anymore. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, unable to relate with the world or the people around me. I was getting flattened by everything, no longer on top of life and the pace was way too fast - even though Galway city is known to have a chilled-out vibe. I never imagined that being in a city for only 2 weeks would turn out to be so draining. Because, at one stage, I literally felt I was running the rat race of life, on a treadmill with 1000s and 1000s of others… But, unlike most, I was aware of it and therefore desperately trying to get off!
When I found the cottage in Athenry I knew the race was slowing down and soon I’d be changing the pace again. Yes, that cottage was apparently what I’d been looking for. I can see now that I really DID put myself in hostel life in search for something. I wasn’t sure if it was physical travel (so as to experience space and a free existence) OR if it was just ANY space on earth where I could just be me. Without forcing, as a result of having lost myself in the city, what I was desperately searching for was given to me… and I’m so relieved that – for now – the search for a place of space has complete itself.
So, during those 2 weeks in Galway I found what I needed. Last Saturday I left the city; I didn’t want to waste more time and energy forcing myself to be somewhere I no longer wanted to be. So I came to Arklow for a few weeks, giving myself time to sort out some practical bits and pieces and to pack up my ‘stuff’ (not that I’ve a lot… I travel lightly!). But most importantly it's to spend time with my sisters and their little kiddies who just so happen to be over from Holland during these weeks. I’ll be here until the end of October and on the 1st of November I’ll be moving over to Athenry.
Things really are falling into place. And I’m at the start of something big. It’s like – and I know this will sound silly – for the first time I’m truly becoming self-reliant and independent. That does sound strange, especially since I’ve been travelling by myself for the past years. But this time it’s different; simply because it’s Ireland and because what I’m intending to follow through, and to actually materialize, is what’s been sitting inside, waiting for expression and wishing for growth for so long.
For years, we can dream of these things to happen, we can hope, wish and pray them into existence… And then when the journey unfolds in such a manner that EVERYTHING we need in this physical world comes to us so we can fulfil those dreams, hopes and wishes… it’s like: wouw… can we actually DO this? But there’s no time for second guessing and pondering, we can’t go back nor do we want to. The intentions of a person’s life have been set firmly into place in an inner space and we have to follow them through. Then, only as time passes, can we realize if we’re strong and courageous enough to keep going in that direction, leaving outside influences for what they are – things that don’t affect us – and let the mystery unfold.
At times it’s as though I’m pressing the ‘play’ button, after having ‘paused’ everything throughout these past months. I’m restarting things; the writing that I’ve been forced (by something of a gut feeling) to put on pause; the yoga that I’ve been wanting to expand into but have struggled with; the reading that I can't seem to let myself do; the creations in the kitchen and on the blank canvasses. I’ve been making excuses when it comes to doing any of these things… saying: ‘The space isn’t right…’ And now that the space is coming, I guess I’m going to find out whether or not it was the environment around me that temporarily stopped the creativity to be flowing or whether it was just me.
I know that everything we experience ALWAYS starts inside; what we see around us is a reflection of what’s going on within us. But what if the environment is so overpowering in the sense that it brings our old energy to the surface and we can’t help but be held back by that old force (that’s actually a fear) and those old ways? What then? If this is the case, are we meant to force ourselves to stay in that environment and overcome the challenge so as to grow beyond those old ways of life? Or… do we simply… relieve ourselves from the situation? Well, I believed I needed to constantly confront that energy, and grow and progress… But, if we know that we flourish when we’re in a different setting, then we simply need to change it. And then, what’s meant to be will always appear.
We’re not meant to remain in places and situations that are holding us back, ESPECIALLY if we’re aware that it’s happening. Because if we’re aware and we remain ‘stuck’, we’re our own worst enemy… punishing ourselves for the sake of… progress and growth? But holy smoke… Life can be, and is meant to be, so simple! If we’re connected to our own truth and living from that space, we know what’s what, we know what’s not. We ‘simply’ must be brave enough to break away and follow what’s right. And this is what I’m doing. Finally I’m doing what I want. I’m breaking away from making decisions based on fear and I’m moving towards a life that’s only lived through making choices based on truth. Because, to be honest, I don’t see the point in anything anymore, if I don’t follow my own ways.
The move that’s approaching is for me to continue accepting who I am, what I must do and what I can give to others. I can only find this, realize this and give full life to this, by creating a space where creations can come alive. Of course I don’t know if I can live up to what I’ve been dreaming of, been longing for and been wishing into existence. But I won’t know unless I try! What’s meant to be, will appear... And on that note, I’ll sign off for now with a big smile and deep trust that the mystery comes with every step.