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Thursday, March 29, 2012

BURST OF LIFE - Concluded

The moment a person wakes up and says: ‘Oops!’ is it then too late to turn back the clock and to grow younger? Of course we can’t erase the years we’ve been here on earth, but we can release ourselves from what those years on earth have ‘done’ to us. We can change the way we’ve always seen the world and life; which was probably in a blur, as we forgot to stop and appreciate the views as we were moving too fast! One might say: ‘but those years on earth, they’ve been ‘taken away by LIFE’!’ Nope! Not the case. The individual who says this, has taken away those years THEMSELVES, by not actually realizing that LIFE IS NOW. People feel to have been ‘robbed by life’ due to the circumstances they're faced with. But the attitude a person has towards the circumstances they’re living in, is the reason for those circumstances to remain the same! A person needs to realize that life can be changed and lived with deep appreciation, in every moment, for the ‘purpose’ of NEVER being the one to wake up and suddenly say: ‘Oops!’

Must a person wait until they turn a certain age before they’re ‘allowed’ to suddenly say: ‘wouw… how did that happen?’ Or can a person, regardless of their age, realize they can already say: ‘wouw’ and become a child who sees magic in the cows and the green grass and who believes in the power of dreams and who trusts that life is never ending? Can a person become ‘old before their time’ simply for appreciating every single moment, due to experiences of the past that have shown just how precious and delicate life is and how easily it can be taken away? Of course, us humans, we’re capable of experiencing both... we can do Anything! Regardless of our age…

In my moments of being a child, I feel younger than when I was in my early 20s, late teens, or even early teens! I can easily feel like a 5-year-old, excited by the smallest of things; it’s those cows in the field again! Yay! Oh, it’s a family of ducks with one actually being the ‘ugly’ one! Yay! Do I care that this ‘isn’t how it’s meant to be’ at 29? No I don’t. So I do this without giving any importance to what others are thinking or saying, either to my face or behind my back.

Does every 29-year-old cry when they get a bunch of flowers for their birthday and simply say ‘thank you’ for a bottle of perfume? Maybe not. Then again, not every 29-year-old is living with their mam, with a desk in a bedroom as an ‘office’, without a job in sight but amazing excitement for the unknown journey this world is taking them on. Is this how every 29-year-old feels and experiences life? So many different lives; people appreciating, seeing and being differently.

In my moments of being ‘old before my time’, I’m appreciating my physical body for getting me through everyday without fail. I’m loving the tea stops instead of the pub visits and stargazing is way more exciting than movie-nights! The man on the moon interests me more than the weatherman, the news reader and the latest ‘star’ on American Idol. Let me dance without a drop of alcohol and I’ll be the one to take over the floor; and I won't be doing the macarena! Silence then brings me home again, to curl up and feel a tired body, but again to thank it.

I often listen to myself speak or I read what I’ve written and there could be a lifetime filled with conversations that I'm having with 1000s of different people. There could be years filled with story telling, reflections, lessons, predictions and hopes. Reflections and lessons, meaning my life could be coming to a halt. Predictions and hopes, meaning my life could be just starting. Yet, 29 is what I am today. In the middle of LIFE itself. Sometimes a child, sometimes an ‘ould one’. But, somehow, always subtly trying to suss the level of maturity that’s needed, depending on the people, the circumstances and the situations that arise.

What an amazing journey. Time for bed!


29 today!!! And what can I say? Not a whole lot or maybe too much to put into one post on this tiny little blog. Am I feeling older? Do I feel 29? How is a person actually meant to feel when they’re this age, or any other age for that matter? Old? Young? According to who? A 4-year-old will say I’m old. A 70-year-old will say I’m young. And what do I say? I say I’ve many moments of feeling like a child, as well as other times when I feel to have lived more than 1 life and I ponder, but am unsure of how many more I can still live.

From one day to the next, we feel different. We sometimes feel younger than we are, sometimes older. But, probably the most common ‘sense of aging’ people have is the one when a person thinks that they, THEMSELVES, stay the same age and everybody else ‘does the aging’! And then suddenly, one day, it hits home: ‘oops, I’m actually … years old! How did that happen?!’ This person then hasn’t got a clue as to how time passed by. Well, the answer is: Life happened, and one misses! Oops…! A person had been running through the years, and forgot to wake up and smell the roses! That’s a huge big fat OOPS I can tell you… Because people need to waking up NOW, in the MIDDLE of life, AS IT’S HAPPENING AND START SMELLING! (and whatever age you are today, the fact that you’re reading my blog, means you’re connected to internet, you’re ‘with the world’, and therefore fully able to stand up, walk outside into the garden (or to the nearest pot plant) and SMELL THAT FLOWER!)

Some stereotypes: Who, in society, enjoys planting new seeds, caring for the earth and anticipating the sign of new life? Stereotypically it’s the retired. And who, in society, runs through the fields enjoying the new life of the flowers, when Spring and Summer arrives? Stereotypically it’s the free, unburdened child. And there you have it! The ‘old’ life and the ‘new’ life… Both enjoying the roses! Both smelling the flowers, appreciating life. Both stopping to realize what’s important.

Hang on though, aren’t we missing more than half of society??? Where are those, who are no longer ‘officially’ children but not yet ‘officially’ old? Where are those who are in the MIDDLE OF LIFE (which really is ANY AGE)? They’re standing outside the field, looking at the child, happy to watch but TERRIFIED to join in. They couldn’t dream of joining in and BEING the child who is appreciating and loving life without inhibition, without feeling judged or criticized by the world.

So now, tell me this… what would those on the sidelines do if they were to see… let’s say… ME running through a field of tulips and being wild and free?! People would tell me I’m literally MAD! Well, guess what, if you gave me a field with blossoming flowers, I’d be the mad woman, and I wouldn’t care less! I’d be joining in with the dance of life, because man oh man, isn’t it everybodys’ dream to be wild and free… But we, ourselves, are the only ones putting limits on those dreams by telling ourselves that it’s 'wrong' and not 'proper' to dance and to love like a child in a field of tulips. Man oh man, how liberated from society a person can feel for taking life by the ***** and LIVING… simply by waking up right now and breathing deeply…

Monday, March 26, 2012

There's more to Ireland... concluded

If people took a moment to step away from their worries, man oh man, they’d see Ireland as it’s meant to be seen and experienced. If Irelands’ main reason for being highlighted in the news – both inside and outside the country - WOULDN’T be because it’s in a crisis, but because of what it truly stands for, then there wouldn’t be any negative image related to the country and the spirits of the 3 million people still living here would be lifted; this country could and would start seeing the wild free spirit that’s buried underneath. They’d fully appreciate the power of its roots and heritage, which is where so much wisdom is held; something this country would NOW need to be calling upon. Its’ power is one that could lift the hearts and the lives of the millions in this country; as positivity towards LIFE in general would be raised.

Many will say: ‘It’s all well and good to be able to run through the hills, to walk the country roads, to greet the sheep, the cows, the horses and to meet the strangers who treat you as their friend and who offer a bowl of potato and leek soup with homemade brown bread; but at the end of the day, we need to live and we need to keep a roof over our heads!’ Of course, I DO understand that we need jobs, we need money to live… But we also need to realize that it’s not what life is ONLY about – even though it’s what life has BECOME about due to the lack of material wealth that’s experienced in the lives of so many. This is only a result of the shift in focus people made, years ago. They shifted their focus to what they THOUGHT was real and failed to take any notice of what was, and still is, AUTHENTICALLY real.

The nation has had to learn the hard way and slowly people will, and actually ARE, emerging from their gloom. I’m noticing the difference around me. People ARE waking up and appreciating LIFE more. I feel there’s more of a community spirit throughout the country (which I notice mostly on the radio – as I don’t watch the news or read the news papers – oops, Niamhs ignorance once again is showing…!). People are pulling together. There’s compassion and no sense of animosity or disregard towards those who are doing well for themselves and living a happy life and being successful (in whatever sense that may be).

Maybe this is the sign that Irelands level of appreciation for REAL LIFE is growing. When people support the happiness and success of others, they, unknowingly, are welcoming it into their own lives too. Hopefully, slowly but surely, the focus will change and move towards what’s actually important and real about this country and this life. And this simple ‘fact’ I wish for people to realize; appreciation for what’s ALREADY here will enable it to grow. And the spirit of Ireland - that has become buried beneath the worries - will come alive again. Who knows what the road then could reveal.

There's more to Ireland...

When I properly take stock of what’s happening in this Irish world around me – regardless of what’s happening in my own world – I sometimes have this disbelief as to how I could be happy here.

This is literally what’s going on, and has been for the past 3 or 4 years (probably even longer): anybody who gets the chance to leave Ireland, will take it and run. Especially the youngsters. If they can, they’re flocking to Australia, New Zealand and – the most recent destination – Canada. Is this because of their ‘passion to travel’? or are they all desperately trying to get away from the crisis Ireland is still suffering from, so as to make a better life for themselves? It could be a combination of both factors… and now would seem the perfect time for the travel dreams of the youngsters to be pursued, as a result of the job situation.

Why? Here in Ireland there isn’t much on offer for those who are either freshly out of college and qualified to give their services to anybody who is willing to accept, or for those who have become unemployed during the financial ‘crash’. People in business are trying to keep it ‘alive’ and there’s no real signs yet of any redemption. That will only come with time. And until then, employees can count their lucky stars they’re active in the community and the rest is either left lingering and waiting for better times to come or they’re planning the ‘great escape’.

So youngsters are been subtly forced by the economy to travel. It’s opening up opportunities and doors that otherwise could’ve been left closed. A positive development maybe… but for those who don’t get the chance to leave and make a new life for themselves; they are ‘stuck’ in a country that’s facing hard times. People are struggling to make ends meet, to feed their families and to keep a roof over their heads. People are burdened with worries and the nation is feeding-off the negativity around which people’s lives have come to revolve.

I knew all of this, while I was away. But I didn’t hear whether it was progressing or regressing. I was surrounded by Indians, not a European in sight. I didn’t follow Irelands’ economy in the news. So I became ignorant to what Irish people have been forced to face.

And now I’m back… I hear the stories, I hear the struggles and I hear the plans many people have, to move away. Each week probably hundreds leave the country and their search elsewhere for a better life starts. And then there’s me; neither stuck, nor being forced by the crisis to leave. I know I'm blessed for being able to say this (but I also realize each person on earth has created their own current life situation, as it presently stands... so I like think I made my own 'luck') So I’m ‘floating’ through. Does this situation around me, bring me down? In the past I’ve felt myself to be selfish for not feeling bad when hundreds and thousands of others were feeling so low and suffering! I’d nearly wish to feel low, just to show compassion..!!! But that just doubles the misery in the world.

For this reason I was actually reluctant to come back. I was worried I’d be negatively affected by seeing people living in restriction and almost unable to support their families. Especially when I was in China, I wished to steer clear of Ireland, as I believed it would only ‘bring me down’ and positive thinking, feeling and living would be a thing of the past. The thoughts of being in Ireland made me think I’d be ‘forced’ to drown in negativity, just for feeling guilty if I was to naturally feel positive! But man oh man... how much I've changed my perception of reality!

Now that I’m here… What can I say? Does this crisis take away the smile, the excitement and the enthusiasm I feel deep down, for absolutely EVERYTHING that I have in my life? No it doesn’t. Does this mean I’m remaining ignorant to what’s happening around me, as I give so much focus to what’s happening during the endless hours I spend away from the world ‘working on my own things’? Some will say yes, some will say no. And I say I’m creating my own reality and living out that reality, regardless of the weight and worries the country is burdened by, as a result of economic crisis. So I create my own world, to BE in this world, in this present place, in this present state. And this approach is the main thing that lets savour my time in Ireland and I see past the worries, the crisis and the struggles. I’m seeing what Ireland really stands for; something those who are travelling or those who are ‘stuck’, MAY have lost sight of.

It’s sad to think that those who are moving away would feel to have been forced out of Ireland just to live a comfortable life. They’d perhaps carry with them, this feeling of Ireland being depressing, dull and lifeless; a place to steer clear of (just as I did last year). If travellers feel bad about their country, will this then be how the Irish speak of Ireland, when they’re abroad? And will Ireland then be ‘promoted’ throughout the world as being such? Is it really all that bad though? Is Ireland a depressing, dull and lifeless place to be?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Promoting Arklow

Having a visitor from the far-off places, can be the perfect time to take stock of your own current place in the world and in life (not that I NEVER do any reflecting whatsoever…haha)

Mark arrived on Wednesday night. The following day I showed him the sights of Arklow… ahum… Now, for those who aren’t from Arklow or who haven’t been here before; it’s safe to say that it’s at bottom of the list of ‘must-sees’ whilst touring Ireland. But still, it’s where I am, at the moment; it’s where I’m from and just because there aren’t really any sights to speak of, doesn’t mean it’s a bad place to be or a place I should be ashamed of living in. It just might not be a place for travellers to spend 5 days of their European tour… not if the purpose is solely for exploring. On the other hand, if their purpose is to visit a friend, then it can definitely be a place to spend some time.

To show a traveller the place you’re from, can usually force you to see the place through the eyes of a tourist too. You question: What are they used to? What have they already seen? What are they looking for? And what’s so different about this place than any other..?? Hummm… Showing him my ‘native place’ (using some Indian terms here) made me see Arklow and Ireland in pretty much the same light, if I’m totally honest! How so? Because I’ve only been back a month and I still see it all very ‘fresh’, even without any attractive sights around the town.

It would sound sad to others, especially to those who know the town and I’d probably be misunderstood by many as to how and why it could possibly excite me to be here. But how we experience our surrounding world is just a reflection of what’s going on in your own world. And the main reason I can be happy to show people where I’m from is because of the great place I feel I’m at, in life. So of course I’m in a great place in the world too! (this makes me want to shout to everyone that they should come and see ARKLOW!!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! It’s soooooooo exciting…!!!!!!!!!!)

(sorry, little outburst there) I reckon though, if you can do what you love most and if your circumstances permit you to work hard at making things in life happen – which is a process ongoing always – then wherever you are will bring you brilliant experiences, even if the Avoca river could ‘do with a bit of clean out’.

So, coming back to the traveller: whether or not an encounter with a country is a memorable one – in the positive sense - all depends on if you find what you’re looking for. Was Marks encounter positive? Who knows! We can never know how a person truly experiences things. If it was solely for exploration purposes, then Arklow would’ve been disappointing (and I never promoted Arklow as being a place people must see in the first – so there were no expectations for the town to live up to). I guess it all comes down to the purpose of passing through, be it for 6 days or 6 months..?? Mark was passing through, to see Ireland?? Well, then Arklow wasn’t the best choice. He was passing through, to see me?? Well, then Arklow would have been the right place to visit.

And so, after 5 days, it turned out for this Kiwi traveller that Dublin city, the Wicklow Mountains and me, were the only things he got to encounter whilst being in Ireland. Not too sure if that was enough, too much or too little of Ireland… But it was the only thing that I, in my current circumstances, was able to offer.

It’s now Wednesday afternoon. He travelled onwards to Scotland on Monday. Hopefully with some positive energy to use along the way. Who knows if and when we'll meet again...
As for me, I’m starting to get back into the flow of the book I’m writing and doing other bits and pieces, just to keep the process ongoing. But that’s for a later update.

Crossing paths

(Belated post)

17th of March; St. Patricks day. I’ve never really been into celebrating it much, so this year isn’t any different. The thing that’s marking it however, this time round, is a friend who is staying with us. He’s from New Zealand (living in Australia), travelling Europe and making a stop here at 136 Knockmore, Arklow Co. Wicklow (which is where I live). I worked with Mark on the melon farm in Australia in 2007. We’ve been in contact through Facebook for a while and when it just so happened that I was back in Ireland and he was hopping from country to country, it seemed the only thing for him to do was to hop to Ireland too.

A crazy world it then seems to be; crossing paths with people who I never ever imagined to see again. This really is the case. When saying goodbye to the people we meet along our travels, we often say; ‘we’ll meet again’. But not always do we actually EXPECT to meet again, or EXPECT either of us to go ‘out of our way’ to make it happen! But Mark did go out of his way, and now, 5 years down the line, he purposely came to Ireland to visit me, here at home in Arklow. And the world really is a tiny place.

Another thing happened only yesterday (Friday) that just proves my point. We went to Dublin for the day. On Thursday I was just randomly thinking of a guy I met in the ashram in India back in September. Eoin. He’s from Dublin and studying at Trinity college (the most well-known college in Ireland, right in the heart of Dublin). As I was thinking of him, I wondered if I should get in touch, maybe to meet up the following day. We got along great and having him at the ashram was like a having a little piece of Ireland and home with me. When we said goodbye to each other, of course we said ‘we should arrange to meet when we’re both in Ireland!’

Now, honestly, at that point in time I wasn’t thinking at all about heading back to Ireland. I figured I’d be travelling at least until the end of 2012, so actually meeting him in Dublin was the furthest thing from my mind! I also never expected to WANT to meet up with somebody I’d met along my travels, not back on the home front anyhow; because when you’re on the road you connect differently with people than when you’re back at your ‘base’ and to meet them again can sometimes take away the fond memories you shared with that person, the memories that had been ‘made’ on the other side of the world.

Either way, on Thursday I wondered whether to contact him. But I decided against it. With Mark being here, I didn’t think the timing was right. I let the notion fly and figured if we’re destined to meet, it would happen, because I personally wasn’t going to go to any lengths to get in touch (I know that sounds really harsh and it’s nothing personal against Eoin, but it just wasn’t a priority for me).

So, on Friday we went up to Dublin to see some of the amazing sights of the city! We walked around in the rain - the Irish weather will never fail to let us down…haha - and we went to a few museums. As we were walking around Trinity, of course I secretly hoped I’d bump into Eoin. And 30 minutes later, just when the hopes of seeing him had been dampened by the drizzle, suddenly there he was, leaning against the wall, talking on his phone. Wouw! Blast from the past and yes yes yes it was fate! It was the craziest thing to have happened!

I walked up and as he saw me his eyes sprung out of his sockets, he started shouting down the phone to whoever was on the other end; ‘oh my god, this is fate! I’ve gotta hang up!’ With that, we both squealed in excitement, gave each other the biggest hug and the most abbreviated versions of both of our lives. Then we exchanged numbers in between 5 hugs and ended the random meeting with a promise to see each other properly sometime soon. And that was the high light of my day! I was so excited. In the middle of the dark, cloudy and wet Dublin city, I bumped into a guy I met in the southern tropics of India… so unexpected… but it wasn’t by chance.

As I’ve said before, I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. Everything happens for a reason. I reckon I already know the reason for meeting Eoin like that. It’s probably because I was never going to go ‘out of my way’ to get in touch with him and arrange a meeting – for being too wary of not getting along in the same manner as we did when we were in the ashram. But some forces brought our paths to cross, without either of us putting in any effort… meaning we were meant to meet again! And the way we both responded to each other was confirmation enough of there still being a friendship, regardless of where we are or what we’re doing in life. Oh, and I might just add, there’s not a inkling of a romantic vibe between us AT ALL, as it’s impossible when both people fall for the same gender ;)

I just LOVE the way the world works!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Healthy writing pressure

To continue my book rant...

The impatient me seems to think: I’ve done this once before, so I’ll do it again, faster, easier and so much better! Hummm… The art of patience needs to be put to good use here! This notion does get me thinking though: Am I setting myself up for a fall if I put so much pressure on myself to create faster and with less deviation, less obstacles and with more power? Or is this pressure a good motivator that I can use when overcoming such obstacles as, for example, failing to feel a flow or loosing sight of what direction this book is heading in?

Some more pondering: If I expect this writing to be a difficult and slow process, then is that what it will be? On the other hand, if I expect this process to be flowing and without a doubt a story that needs to be shared, especially after the first book, then will it be a revealing, satisfying and amazing journey once again with the end result being an expression of myself, that hopefully complements the first story I’ve written? If I hold on to the intentions I have BEHIND writing this next book then will that keep me going? Also, I wonder if it’s ‘wise’ to be talking about this next book so much. I’ve been advised before that if you’re working on something big in your life, don’t talk about it with others, because that puts expectations on yourself and pressure for an end result to be visible. Which I suppose is only a normal reaction. So what I’m doing right here, on this blog… (talking about what I’m trying to create) is this right or wrong? That all depends on how I let the feeling of pressure from outside of myself, effect what I’m doing.

The best thing I can do is use the pressure as a motivator to keep going. Because I can’t NOT share what’s going on in my life! Nope. It’s what I’ve become accustomed to doing and therefore I’ll continue to do it. I remember to have had these same doubts before: whether or not to talk and share what’s happening with the book. But now I believe strongly that the talking and sharing of the journey towards making something happen, does actually MAKE IT HAPPEN. There’s also a saying that goes: ‘What we talk and think about, we bring about’.

I guess, everything we do in life, can feel risky and daunting. And that’s what I’m facing right now. To overcome this, I can use my experiences of the past as reassurance that whatever I believe I need to be doing, will always be the right thing and so I can never fail.

Going back to yesterday; I decided to review what I’d written the day before. And then something happened… Yes! The doors opened up and the concept came flooding through. The story was suddenly clear enough for me to keep typing. I can’t see the book as a whole. And that’s impossible to envision, not until it complete. But I see the next steps and it’s exciting.

This is what I mean when I say: ‘I’m home alone, which is when most things happen’, because yesterday nobody was at home, and the ‘whole thing’ became clear. I’ll see what happens over the next week… and I’ll continue to share it!

The power of intention?

Sunday afternoon. And what have I got to say… it’s a sunny day… 13 degrees. This morning I was out in the back garden without a coat, in the ‘blistering’ sun. Gorgeous! I’m home alone, which is when most things happen. I’ve got the radio on (it’s the Golden Hour!), but I’m not really tuned-in and the telly is off (which will always be the way, if it’s up to me). I’m connected to the net, but not actually browsing.

The biggest and most exciting thing that’s happened over the past few days… Friday; I finally started writing, with the intention of the words coming together in book form. There’s a big difference between simply writing for myself in my journal, or writing for my blog or writing FOR A BOOK. It’s no surprise that I write everyday, but it’s not everyday that the writing I do is to hopefully be printed someday. No matter how much I need to be doing this, I wasn’t too happy though about what was appearing on the screen! Weeks ago, the moment in my life from where I wanted to start writing, came to me. So Friday I started typing. But something WASN’T happening. I wasn’t excited. I was forcing it a little and after a few pages, I gave in to the temptation of the internet and did some ‘purposeful’ emails instead…

Yesterday morning, I wasn’t too sure what to do with the piece of writing I’d done the day before. Should I review it? Or should I not look at it again, take a few more days to ponder what the concept of the book will be and start a fresh next week? Or should I just continue and stick to it? Of course I decided to stick to it! It would have been too easy to say ‘it’s not working’, after only the first few pages… It’s the lazy route and I’d be looking for excuses so as not to follow the story through. By putting things off though, they never get done. It’s a very simple fact. And who is to say that next week I won’t have the same doubts? And I’d have lost precious days in between just for thinking that procrastination is the answer to overcome the doubts I was having about the story. All of this, simply because I wasn’t feeling much of a flow on Friday!

Then I was reminded of how the process evolved when I was writing the first book. The first 2 months I struggled to get the flow going and I didn’t have a proper concept in mind so as to see what direction the story was heading in. The concept only came to light, as I was writing.

But now, for some reason, I expect that from day 1 of writing this book, the ‘perfect’ concept will appear in my mind and it will guide me forward, without effort! I should be able to take lessons from the work I did last time. And what I have to remember is that the first words are usually a warm-up. They often aren’t the actual parts that will appear in the book. I know this, because the very first draft of Digesting Wisdom (which is the name of the book! There… I’ve said it… YAY… I’m only realizing now that nobody knew the title…!) was 135.000 words! That version is one I’ll probably never let anybody read. The 2nd draft was 105.000 words. This still was a version that not everyone would appreciate. The final, and 3rd draft I completed, now has 80.000 words… So you see, I cut 55.000 words (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) before I finally got the book the way I wanted it to be. Wouw… that’s some hours of ticking on the laptop that were only for the purpose of getting the end result as close to ‘perfect’ or accessible to the reader as possible. And to further put the process into perspective: the first day I started writing that book was in September 2010 and draft 3 wasn’t complete until May 2011. I deviated from the path of writing during this period, but still, the time frame and the word count shows how the work of writing a book can be a huge process that takes on a life of its own.

When we put our hands to doing anything, if the intention is real, then actually doing the work is the reward in itself, whether or not the ‘project’ goes on to be a success. And starting any project – without people pushing, without anybody waiting for an end result, without any motivator from outside – is quite a daunting step. So of course I’ll have doubts about what I’m doing. It doesn’t help matters that I often feel to have ‘given up everything’ to write this book. But now that the time has finally come (a time I’ve probably been wishing for since being in China), I’m filled with doubts when I don’t feel excited or motivated from within.

I realize that, without anybody coaxing and supporting me from outside, I’m the main person who needs to fully support me, from the inside. That’s also where the contents of the book sits. I have to keep the intentions of my writing clear – which are to share and to help. That, combined with my own belief that there’s a story in ‘hibernation’, is the main source of energy and power I have access to when doing this ‘work’. So, I need to create this sense of pressure inside, to do this. If I were to do anything else in the world right now, I’d not be putting my heart into it and I’d be ignoring what I feel I have to be doing RIGHT NOW.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

What a machine I've been given!!!

On Monday morning I opened my ‘office doors’ again. They’d been closed for quite some months… 12 to be exact. And it’s not exactly an office, by the way. It’s ‘just’ a desk in front of the window, in my 2 by 3 bedroom. It so great though to have this space; no distractions, no pressure… only me! This is also where I wrote the book, all those months ago. And the view has remained the same. I can still see into the neighbours gardens… the kids have grown and the dog has gotten older, but other than that, the view is exactly how it remember it to be. When I was in India, often thinking of where to write, my mind would bring me back here. And now it’s where I’m sitting.

It’s quite strange how I’ve lifted myself up out of one situation and thrown myself into another; meaning teaching in India up until a month ago and now being in full writing mode, in Ireland. It’s crazy how easy these changes can sometimes happen and when I go back over HOW it happened, I can’t properly see how it all came about.

I’ve actually been having the strangest moments of wondering how my body has adjusted, yet again, to the different environment, different food, different daily rhythm, different climate and different ‘minded’ people. How have I managed to, once again, let it all happen so ‘easily’? Many will say: ‘it’s not rocket science Niamh… our bodies are able to adjust to all new situations and environments.’ But really it is rocket science! Or maybe the fact that we, as individual people, don’t crumble and fall when we go through drastic changes. Our spirit is strong and our minds can cope with the new circumstances.

At the moment I’m trying to see the ventures I’ve taken to. I’m pondering how amazing our bodies are, as they are capable of dealing with the emotions that come along whilst moving and changing life styles so often, so easily yet so dramatically.

Years ago I’d never really care about how I got myself moving. I never questioned the emotions I’d need to deal with and I’d never really concern myself with the fact that mentally juggling a life of travel, by my self, could be a reason for emotionally struggling in life. I totally took for granted that the body would get me to where I wanted to be, so I could live out all the stories I’ve come to experience. When I was ‘young’… I never properly reflected on how travelling, working and moving can disrupt a person in every which way possible. I never knew that disruption could be taking place underneath, but that our mind would blank it out in order to keep us moving. I’m slowly seeing how I ran my body from one place to the next, never doubting my ability to adjust to different lifestyles. I never once considered my physical self would one day tell me to STOP.

I guess it’s about establishing the balance between moving and resting. And then we have to answer the question: how frequently must we stop and let our body catch up with itself, and how often, or when, is it time to say: ‘get up and go again, because life is waiting and it needs to lived!’ How long are we resting, before it becomes ‘doing nothing and being lazy’? And how often should we be moving, before ‘getting up and going’ becomes a race?

Now that I’m 28… (29 at the end of the month), I’m feeling that travel can have a strain on the body. 'That's normal', most would say! And to that I answer: I was ignorant to this fact… and maybe now I AM literally weak… and have become this, as a result of not wanting to show ‘a weak spirit’ to the world, by resting and not traveling? Hummm… that’s worth more pondering, and maybe more words!

Anyhow, to stay on the topic: what I once considered to be the most normal and easiest thing to do in the world, is now something I realize that's not so normal or easy at all… However I did put my body through it and it's always supported what I was willing to do, even if it did sometimes cry out for me to listen to it, and let it catch its breath.

Yes, I know to strengthen the body, it needs to be faced with challenges… how else can it be placed out of its comfort zone and naturally coaxed to adjust and accept the surrounding environment? Only by putting the body, and the mind for that matter, in different situations, are we able to feel its powers as well as its limitations. If the power is more evident that the limitations then the body will always be FINE throughout every single change. The body NEEDS this change, just as our lives do. Nothing is ever static, so we shouldn’t be either. And should we have become static, then there’s no flow…

If I’m to relate this to my current situation, I have to see that these changes in situations, environments and relationships, are apart of me finding my own powers and limitations, especially on a physical level. I need to use those ‘findings’ as a tool to release the limits that exist and I need to use the power to overcome the limitations. So change is needed; we can learn, evaluate and move forward into the world.

Growing ‘older’ (but mentally still feeling like a 21 year old!!!) and realizing my limits, but also realizing the potential I have to get passed those limits, will only strengthen my who self. Growing ‘older’ and learning to care for the physical body and appreciate what it’s capable of, will only give more power to my spirit… and hopefully I’ll grow younger…haha!

Right now, my body and spirit are keeping me here. That’s as it should be. My awareness that physical limitations do exist, means a change is happening, for the better. My spirit, for the first time in my life, is not running to every other corner on earth. My mind has moments of panic, I admit. It’s sometimes terrified that travels are over FOREVER, because of returning to Ireland (don’t you love the way the mind exaggerates EVERYTHING!!!) But, I don't that part of the mind any power, because I know here in Ireland I have more freedom than I’d have anywhere else in the world, at this point in time.

And it’s very true what they say: there’s a time for coming and a time for going. Right now, there’s complete focus that will strengthen my whole self… until my body and mind and spirit are ready to move onwards again. What amazing machines we all own… it just takes a while for that truth to hit home and it takes even longer to give it the respect it deserves… sometimes it could even take a whole life time!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Mysterious Ireland

Starting fresh; I’ve not been able to write properly, here on my blog, for the past week (which has been one the most revealing of my life, by the way…). Yesterday I tried to remember the last time I updated and what I’d been blabbering on about, and I couldn’t. I had a mental block when it came to recalling the past 2 weeks; it was all just one blur.

Because of the blur, I was shocked yesterday when I realized that ONLY 3 WEEKS ago, I was sitting on a stage in an Indian Temple, with a group of students from school, participating in a singing meditation concert. That’s so crazy!!!! Ever since moving away from Kayamkulam to pass through Holland and onwards to Ireland, nothing has been regular or consistent… my health has received a beating. After the jetlag passed, I was struck with bits of the flu, a head cold and chest problems. Also my sleep has been something of a chore and a waste of time, because I feel there’s too much else going on and I need to be DOING. So a regular body clock and a consistent batch of clarity in my head haven’t been the case… As a result I’ve been unable to write and do so many other things too, for lack of energy… But still each day I’ve been desperate to get myself into gear, to get clear about everything and ‘push gently’ for at least some steps to be taken, no matter how small… I needed to feel things to be happening in my life.

After meeting with 2 people this week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, I realized that things ARE happening, even if I’m not too actively involved. One of the meetings was with the publisher!!!!!!! Yes… it’s (finally or suddenly) happened…!!! Wouw… it was quite an amazing experience. We hit it off so well and I instantly felt as though I’d met this lady before; our ideas are exactly on the same level of thinking, our intentions are from the exact same source and the subjects in life we’re both passionate about, they almost seem to complement each other.

‘Too good to be true’, is something that popped to mind. But that’s only limiting myself and making me second guess everything. There’s no need. I can enjoy the mystery of how this has happened: leaving India, travelling back home and having lunch with the one person in the world who is taking a ‘huge risk’ by investing so much of her business and her own personal energy into publishing my book, just for the fact that she believes it will make a contribution to the world. It’s quite powerful to realize all of these things at once.

I’m overwhelmed by my luck as the things I’d been creating are becoming real. Just like the deep longing I had in India, to write another book; since the meetings this week, there’s been an ongoing flood in my mind; the gates have been opened and there are no barriers in place to stop the flow of words.

My whole world has changed since coming back. I never ever expected to be in this situation… But I know that we create our own future, in every moment. The things we focus on are the things that will happen in our lives. So, I should have seen this coming… I should’ve been prepared for lifelong dreams to become real…

The world I was apart of, up to 3 weeks ago, is so distant to me now. It’s like I was a different person then, than the one I am today. It’s like I lived through that Indian adventure, only to be able to write about what I experienced… And stepping away from it is like I’m opening up to life again. I’m allowed to live! I never realized I’d limited myself to ‘living’ so much, when I was teaching in India. It’s only by feeling the contrast of suddenly living wholeheartedly after months and month of living half-heartedly, that’s when we know we were in a situation that wouldn’t permit us access to our full inner potential (that’s a different topic though, I won’t go too much into that). Here I feel I’m allowed to be seen, without judgement, shame or criticism or complexes controlling me. In this current place, I feel 100% myself… I feel freer than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel closer to life and closer to all the people I’ve crossed paths with, as I’ve moved around… I feel closer to Ireland, and I see it through different eyes, yet again… It’s even more mysterious, and that’s why I love it so much.

I like to think, after speaking with Lorraine (she’s my publisher…that sounds so strange to be saying it like that!!!), that I know something of a fraction of what the upcoming months will bring. But then again, really I don’t. At this marker in the game of life, I’m new… I don’t know the rules, I don’t know the way… But it’s this fact that reassures me it will revealing and life changing and so it can only be brilliant.