Starting fresh; I’ve not been able to write properly, here on my blog, for the past week (which has been one the most revealing of my life, by the way…). Yesterday I tried to remember the last time I updated and what I’d been blabbering on about, and I couldn’t. I had a mental block when it came to recalling the past 2 weeks; it was all just one blur.
Because of the blur, I was shocked yesterday when I realized that ONLY 3 WEEKS ago, I was sitting on a stage in an Indian Temple, with a group of students from school, participating in a singing meditation concert. That’s so crazy!!!! Ever since moving away from Kayamkulam to pass through Holland and onwards to Ireland, nothing has been regular or consistent… my health has received a beating. After the jetlag passed, I was struck with bits of the flu, a head cold and chest problems. Also my sleep has been something of a chore and a waste of time, because I feel there’s too much else going on and I need to be DOING. So a regular body clock and a consistent batch of clarity in my head haven’t been the case… As a result I’ve been unable to write and do so many other things too, for lack of energy… But still each day I’ve been desperate to get myself into gear, to get clear about everything and ‘push gently’ for at least some steps to be taken, no matter how small… I needed to feel things to be happening in my life.
After meeting with 2 people this week, on Tuesday and Wednesday, I realized that things ARE happening, even if I’m not too actively involved. One of the meetings was with the publisher!!!!!!! Yes… it’s (finally or suddenly) happened…!!! Wouw… it was quite an amazing experience. We hit it off so well and I instantly felt as though I’d met this lady before; our ideas are exactly on the same level of thinking, our intentions are from the exact same source and the subjects in life we’re both passionate about, they almost seem to complement each other.
‘Too good to be true’, is something that popped to mind. But that’s only limiting myself and making me second guess everything. There’s no need. I can enjoy the mystery of how this has happened: leaving India, travelling back home and having lunch with the one person in the world who is taking a ‘huge risk’ by investing so much of her business and her own personal energy into publishing my book, just for the fact that she believes it will make a contribution to the world. It’s quite powerful to realize all of these things at once.
I’m overwhelmed by my luck as the things I’d been creating are becoming real. Just like the deep longing I had in India, to write another book; since the meetings this week, there’s been an ongoing flood in my mind; the gates have been opened and there are no barriers in place to stop the flow of words.
My whole world has changed since coming back. I never ever expected to be in this situation… But I know that we create our own future, in every moment. The things we focus on are the things that will happen in our lives. So, I should have seen this coming… I should’ve been prepared for lifelong dreams to become real…
The world I was apart of, up to 3 weeks ago, is so distant to me now. It’s like I was a different person then, than the one I am today. It’s like I lived through that Indian adventure, only to be able to write about what I experienced… And stepping away from it is like I’m opening up to life again. I’m allowed to live! I never realized I’d limited myself to ‘living’ so much, when I was teaching in India. It’s only by feeling the contrast of suddenly living wholeheartedly after months and month of living half-heartedly, that’s when we know we were in a situation that wouldn’t permit us access to our full inner potential (that’s a different topic though, I won’t go too much into that). Here I feel I’m allowed to be seen, without judgement, shame or criticism or complexes controlling me. In this current place, I feel 100% myself… I feel freer than I’ve felt in a long time. I feel closer to life and closer to all the people I’ve crossed paths with, as I’ve moved around… I feel closer to Ireland, and I see it through different eyes, yet again… It’s even more mysterious, and that’s why I love it so much.
I like to think, after speaking with Lorraine (she’s my publisher…that sounds so strange to be saying it like that!!!), that I know something of a fraction of what the upcoming months will bring. But then again, really I don’t. At this marker in the game of life, I’m new… I don’t know the rules, I don’t know the way… But it’s this fact that reassures me it will revealing and life changing and so it can only be brilliant.