In between this crazy week of commotions, emotions and flu, Christmas did of course come and go. Did I celebrate? Well, if you call going to a ladies house from 09.30 in the morning till 7.00 at night, resting for most of the day and then watching Home Alone 2 with her 91 year old mother, at the same time as feeling sick for the amount of food I’d eaten… then I most certainly did celebrate! The food was ‘massive…’ No surprises there then!
The feast started the moment I walked in the door, 09.30 am: spicy chicken curry, cake and sweets. The second even spicier chicken curry was brought to me, after I’d been nursing my fever and headache for 2 hours. This time the curry was served with a fried egg, fried crisps and a portion of fried rice that would’ve been enough for 4 people, but that I, alone, had been demanded to eat... The lady of the house and the cook were both standing above me, watching my every bite and movement and not attempting to help me eat my way through the meal, nor to sit down and enjoy the meal with me nor keep me company (this is a very typical thing they do here; whenever there’s a guest, the women will never sit down and share the meal, if there are men, they’ll sit, but on this occasion, it was only 3 ladies). Also, they’ll be waiting to hear how delicious Indian food is and be on guard to serve the 2nd, 3rd, and hopefully the 4th helping of food.
So, at the Christmas dinner table I sat alone and when she realized that I was full, she kindly demanded that I sit for 4 whole hours if I needed, but no matter how long it would take, I wasn’t leaving the table until the rice was gone! ‘Holy smoke’, is the only thing that went through my mind.
But luckily, I was saved by my mobile that started ringing! My Mam called from Ireland! Yay! This was the perfect excuse for me to jump up from the dinner table in delight and spend a half an hour in the garden, talking to all the family back home. It also gave the lady enough time to realize that I wasn’t going to clear the 4-portioned size plate of fried rice… and luckily for my stomach, she did! Because - just like magic - after 30 minutes I walked back inside, and the table was cleared! The only thing that was left was a bowl of pudding… And a lady who wasn’t too happy that I didn’t keep feeding myself until I exploded… but I didn’t feel too bad, cause I’d just connected properly with home! Yay… that was the best Christmas gift I could’ve asked for! And regarding the food I couldn’t finish – in India I’ve learnt the hard way that you will never be able to eat the portion sizes of food that will make the cook smile. For me, personally, I know I will never be able to make any Indian happy, if that smile only depends on the amount of food they wish for me to eat. I’ve had to learn the hard way… haha…
Anyhow, after Christmas lunch, I was back in bed, not only nursing a cough and some general aches and pains, but also a sore gut… Okay enough about my Christmas day. It’s come and gone for another year. Even though it was quiet, it was definitely a memorable one. My first, and maybe my last, Indian Christmas…
P.s. It may sound as though I’m ungrateful to the lady who invited me to her home, but I’m not… it was just quite the spectacle to see how different my Christmas was, especially when you know – almost like clockwork – everything that’s going on back home. Also, it was all a little bit much because I wasn’t feeling 100% on top of life. But she did all she could to accommodate the fussy and flu-ish girl from ‘outside’…
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sorting the problem - Hostel move
On my last note, I was in the hostel from Hell. On this note, I’m in a much nicer place. A week ago, I came close to leaving Kayamkulam, and I was even seriously contemplating leaving India – all because of the hostel I was meant to stay at (if school had their way), for the next 8 weeks.
After sleeping in that place for the first 2 nights of being back in Kayamkulam, I went to school on Monday morning (the 19th). It was my first day, but I was a wreck. I’d already made a deal with myself: I wasn’t going to teach any classes, until the accommodation was sorted. So, arriving at school, I went straight to the head mistress and told her that if there weren’t going to be any changes in accommodation then I’d be leaving. I wasn’t snotty about it, I was calm, honest and… desperate for a way out of ‘prison’. They were so helpful, they listened to me… and saw my desperation as I sat there in the office, almost depressed… I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t put on a smile and I didn’t want to see the kids – who were way too interested in seeing the foreign teacher again. Nothing made me want to smile… I just wanted to hide and I wasn’t even ashamed for the fact that I was having such a strong negative reaction and ‘becoming a problem’ for the school. Because, in my confused daze, my mind was already leaving Kayamkulam and I didn’t care what others were saying or thinking.
But, but but… they weren’t going to let me go, just like that! Nope. They were finding a solution for me… I didn’t know if that made me happy to stay or if I would’ve been happier to go. At that point, all I knew was, I had to move, that very same day. The management discussed eagerly in Malayalam what to do and where to put me. They probably also were trying to figure out why I had gone temporarily loopy (I don’t understand the language, but I can only imagine their disbelief). Anyhow, after some discussions and phone calls, suddenly they were able to offer me something better! Which was a shock, because on the first day they told me that there was no other hostel in town, and that the hellish hostel was the only place for me. And now, that I was about to leave, they suddenly had received news of a better place… Humm… I’m not too sure if that was really the case or if they remembered me as being the ‘push over’ – 18 months ago – who would always say that everything was good, fine and dandy, whether or not good, fine and dandy were the feelings she was feeling. Maybe they remembered her, and had presumed/hoped she’d not have changed. But, to be honest, I haven’t a clue what they were thinking about me or about the hostel. All I can say is that they got their act together and sorted the accommodation. And half an hour later, I was brought to see another place and instantly jumped at the chance of having my own room in a new hostel, that’s bright, fresh, clean and spacious. The warden (who is the lady who manages the hostel) is actually the same lady who was in the hellish hostel, 18 months ago! She was working there when I was ‘suffering in grime’ last year. She’d quit from ‘hell’ and had moved herself to something that was starting to resemble ‘heaven’ to me. It was nice to see a familiar face…
That same day (still the 19th), I moved my stuff from one hostel to the other and I couldn’t believe how relieved I felt. Life was light again, I could smile, I could see clearly. And, even now, I can’t quite explain how or why that first hostel sent me so crazy inside my head… and I’m unable to grasp what happened to me, between leaving Sasthavattom school on the 17th and arriving at the new hostel in Kayamkulam on Monday the 19th. But trying to find reasons and answers, was, and still is, only tempting to disturb the peace that has returned, ever since settling into my new home. Instead of seeking answers, I was finding myself trying to focus on teaching classes that I hadn’t been able to prepare, whilst having high fever and a massive cough.
Because, of course, the emotional stress brought the virus back, - the one I thought to have beaten, before leaving Sasthavattom. It was trying to knock me down – but it failed. Because I struggled onwards and continued to go from class to class, for the remainder of the week. I needed to make the best first impression I could – and I wasn’t willing to become known as the ‘foreigner who is a constant problem’. I didn’t go to the doctor again. I was reluctant to take anything… Until my voice nearly disappeared after 3 days. Then I gave-in. I accepted medicine and just wished to rest…
From Friday onwards, thankfully I got the chance to wind down, to put the whole emotional fiasco into perspective and to settle into my new home, and beat the flu and cough at the same time. That’s when our Christmas holidays started… I was to have 10 days leave apparently… With that notion in mind, I was adamant to spend the full week in bed so I’d be fresh and fighting fit, from the 2nd onwards (which is also when school reopens). But what happened? Instead of spending 10 days in bed, I spent 2 days (the 25th and the 26th) resting… UNTIL the phone rang on Monday night, at 7.30pm. I was told I’d be teaching vacation classes from the following morning and the classes would last for the remainder of the holidays! Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it… I hadn’t prepared anything, I hadn’t expected that at all and my health was not in anyway fit to think about teaching and jumping around with a group of kids who expected me to be the fun and active teacher that would make their Christmas vacation classes a lot brighter.
Well… What could I say, only: “Okay, it’s fine…” And that was that – after all they’d done for me the previous week, how could I let them down? So, I’d just grin and bear it… Then it was simply up to me to get my head into gear and my body filled with some extra energy and teach as best as I could and fight the bug at the same time.
At first, I wasn’t too sure if I could do it. But, so far so good… Because I’m doing it! I just proves that, of course, when we seriously put our minds to doing something, we can always overcome anything that’s an ‘obstacle’. Something will always click and we can get on with the job (simply by telling ourselves to stop being such a ‘winge-bag’ and do the duty we promised we would do). Those are the more harsh words that we (or I) can use, if the obstacle is more of a challenge to get passed.
Anyhow, back to what’s going on now… For this week, there’ll be no rest. And now I’m only hoping that I’ll start feeling better, before next week, because then I’ll have a busier schedule. Otherwise I’m not too sure what will happen… Some doubts are in my mind, in regards to what to do ‘long term’, if I can’t get passed this. For now though, I’ll soldier on...
After sleeping in that place for the first 2 nights of being back in Kayamkulam, I went to school on Monday morning (the 19th). It was my first day, but I was a wreck. I’d already made a deal with myself: I wasn’t going to teach any classes, until the accommodation was sorted. So, arriving at school, I went straight to the head mistress and told her that if there weren’t going to be any changes in accommodation then I’d be leaving. I wasn’t snotty about it, I was calm, honest and… desperate for a way out of ‘prison’. They were so helpful, they listened to me… and saw my desperation as I sat there in the office, almost depressed… I didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t put on a smile and I didn’t want to see the kids – who were way too interested in seeing the foreign teacher again. Nothing made me want to smile… I just wanted to hide and I wasn’t even ashamed for the fact that I was having such a strong negative reaction and ‘becoming a problem’ for the school. Because, in my confused daze, my mind was already leaving Kayamkulam and I didn’t care what others were saying or thinking.
But, but but… they weren’t going to let me go, just like that! Nope. They were finding a solution for me… I didn’t know if that made me happy to stay or if I would’ve been happier to go. At that point, all I knew was, I had to move, that very same day. The management discussed eagerly in Malayalam what to do and where to put me. They probably also were trying to figure out why I had gone temporarily loopy (I don’t understand the language, but I can only imagine their disbelief). Anyhow, after some discussions and phone calls, suddenly they were able to offer me something better! Which was a shock, because on the first day they told me that there was no other hostel in town, and that the hellish hostel was the only place for me. And now, that I was about to leave, they suddenly had received news of a better place… Humm… I’m not too sure if that was really the case or if they remembered me as being the ‘push over’ – 18 months ago – who would always say that everything was good, fine and dandy, whether or not good, fine and dandy were the feelings she was feeling. Maybe they remembered her, and had presumed/hoped she’d not have changed. But, to be honest, I haven’t a clue what they were thinking about me or about the hostel. All I can say is that they got their act together and sorted the accommodation. And half an hour later, I was brought to see another place and instantly jumped at the chance of having my own room in a new hostel, that’s bright, fresh, clean and spacious. The warden (who is the lady who manages the hostel) is actually the same lady who was in the hellish hostel, 18 months ago! She was working there when I was ‘suffering in grime’ last year. She’d quit from ‘hell’ and had moved herself to something that was starting to resemble ‘heaven’ to me. It was nice to see a familiar face…
That same day (still the 19th), I moved my stuff from one hostel to the other and I couldn’t believe how relieved I felt. Life was light again, I could smile, I could see clearly. And, even now, I can’t quite explain how or why that first hostel sent me so crazy inside my head… and I’m unable to grasp what happened to me, between leaving Sasthavattom school on the 17th and arriving at the new hostel in Kayamkulam on Monday the 19th. But trying to find reasons and answers, was, and still is, only tempting to disturb the peace that has returned, ever since settling into my new home. Instead of seeking answers, I was finding myself trying to focus on teaching classes that I hadn’t been able to prepare, whilst having high fever and a massive cough.
Because, of course, the emotional stress brought the virus back, - the one I thought to have beaten, before leaving Sasthavattom. It was trying to knock me down – but it failed. Because I struggled onwards and continued to go from class to class, for the remainder of the week. I needed to make the best first impression I could – and I wasn’t willing to become known as the ‘foreigner who is a constant problem’. I didn’t go to the doctor again. I was reluctant to take anything… Until my voice nearly disappeared after 3 days. Then I gave-in. I accepted medicine and just wished to rest…
From Friday onwards, thankfully I got the chance to wind down, to put the whole emotional fiasco into perspective and to settle into my new home, and beat the flu and cough at the same time. That’s when our Christmas holidays started… I was to have 10 days leave apparently… With that notion in mind, I was adamant to spend the full week in bed so I’d be fresh and fighting fit, from the 2nd onwards (which is also when school reopens). But what happened? Instead of spending 10 days in bed, I spent 2 days (the 25th and the 26th) resting… UNTIL the phone rang on Monday night, at 7.30pm. I was told I’d be teaching vacation classes from the following morning and the classes would last for the remainder of the holidays! Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it… I hadn’t prepared anything, I hadn’t expected that at all and my health was not in anyway fit to think about teaching and jumping around with a group of kids who expected me to be the fun and active teacher that would make their Christmas vacation classes a lot brighter.
Well… What could I say, only: “Okay, it’s fine…” And that was that – after all they’d done for me the previous week, how could I let them down? So, I’d just grin and bear it… Then it was simply up to me to get my head into gear and my body filled with some extra energy and teach as best as I could and fight the bug at the same time.
At first, I wasn’t too sure if I could do it. But, so far so good… Because I’m doing it! I just proves that, of course, when we seriously put our minds to doing something, we can always overcome anything that’s an ‘obstacle’. Something will always click and we can get on with the job (simply by telling ourselves to stop being such a ‘winge-bag’ and do the duty we promised we would do). Those are the more harsh words that we (or I) can use, if the obstacle is more of a challenge to get passed.
Anyhow, back to what’s going on now… For this week, there’ll be no rest. And now I’m only hoping that I’ll start feeling better, before next week, because then I’ll have a busier schedule. Otherwise I’m not too sure what will happen… Some doubts are in my mind, in regards to what to do ‘long term’, if I can’t get passed this. For now though, I’ll soldier on...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
...arriving at the next...????
Just before getting into the car to be driven to my new home, they told me it was the same place… OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it! How had this happened?! My face probably dropped a few inches when they told me. But I wasn’t going to get on my ‘high horse’ and demand some place else. Nope. They said that the management had changed, the food had changed, and I’d get a single room.
Hummm… I was sceptical, but willing to see if there really was any change. I’d know within a day if I’d be comfortable to stay. So I was brought to my room, the door opened, and I had a déjà vu… I'd already played a part in this scene - 18 months ago! A wooden frame for a bed, without any ‘dressing’ or mattrass’ and a dinky little childrens desk in the corner, grubby walls that hadn’t seen a coat of paint for… 20 years? barricaded Windows and an ‘en-suite’ bathroom with 5 years of grime gathered on the nicely yellow stained tiles that were actually blue underneath. I can only describe the dirt as the accumulation of human flith, fungus, dust and grime that grows and expands so easily in a damp and hot climate, creating the perfect breathing-zone for any kind of bacteria to live and get into the pours of the person who is sleeping and living only 1 meter away. The toilet was blue ceramic, but that also had turned yellow… it was of course good old fashioned dirt, both inside and outside the bowl… Such complaints I have… sorry, But adding some exaggerations is probably painting a clearer picture.
What happened after the déjà vu ended? Niamh smiled and said: ‘it’s fine’. The housewife (who is also the manager) was happy to hear, but not happy to give me a mattress, a pillow, a bedsheet… Nothing. So the staff at school managed to arrange something. But if I’d have been Pinocchio, my nose would’ve been so long! Because, of course I wasn’t happy! I wasn’t happy at all! I was standing there on the only thing that was clean in the whole building – the floor (I suppose that’s something big in itself) – and saying outloud to myself, appearing to be a mad woman: ‘It’s happening again, I’ve been here before…how is this possible?'
The déjà vu wasn’t only a vision. But it brought the exact same feelings with it too! I was overcome with the same wave, on Saturday afternoon, as the wave I was overcome by, 18 months before… It was the wave of… imprisonment and desperation to flee. I was left in the room alone. And really I couldn’t believe how this had happened… When I left India last year, I promised myself that if If I ever landed myself in a living situation that didn't feel right from the start, then I wasn't going to force myself to stay and suffer – just for fear of failing in the eyes of others or for fear of showing weakness. I told myself I wouldn’t do this again. I also gave my request to the school, before coming to Kayamkulam, that I wasn't going to stay in the same hostel, but I've learnt the hard way that good communication isn't an easy thing to come by, when arranging anything, either on a personal level or professional level… so, there I was; Saturday afternoon, literally the 'victim of bad communication!'
So, now, I’m sitting on the wooden bedframe (that thankfully does have a mattress on it and some nice new sheets), with my back against a wall that used to be a lovely soft pink, but sadly has turned many different shades of… brown. I spent last night in despair. Almost depressed… lying on the bed, in need of sleep, but not able to get any, because I was trying to figure out: how on earth this had happened? A place I said I would NEVER return to… Did I go wrong somewhere and why such punishment? All night I was awake… tormenting myself.
At times I've felt as though the past 4 months of my travels have been so high-flying that the tiniest ‘bump’ will feel huge and I’ll see myself falling back down to earth and landing with a bang in a place that my mind will class as a prison and therefore - with this powerful thought – my spirit will feel that thought: trapped and unable to escape… I felt so lost last night. It was like apart of me wasn’t here and only my body needed to be here in this hostel as some kind of a test… But I’m not too sure what it could be. Maybe for me to see if I'm strong enough to speak up and tell the management at school how awful I feel here… OR maybe it’s for me to challenge myself again, grin and bare what I've been given? I know I can do both. I can choose either option. But I don’t know which one is the best. Who would I be letting down, if I leave Kayamkulam because of the accommodation? If it’s myself, then I’ll have to grin and bare. If it’s only the school I'm letting down, then I can leave. If I’m letting myself down by staying… then I can leave… right?
Only after speaking-up about the fact that a change needs to be made, and so taking action and acting maturely instead of running away without even trying to solve anything, then I can make a decision. So I won’t jump the gun and flee nor will I bury my misery and pretend I’m happy with the living situation. I can do this, without sounding like a ‘spoilt foreign girl’ who is too demanding and massively high maintenance - which is often, and unfortunately inevitably, how people can label foreigners, as soon as they ask for change.
If I were to leave though, I wouldn’t instantly know where to go. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’ve not had the time! To be totally honest, a larger part of me wants to leave and apart of me does want this experience at the school. I’m just wondering, what could all of this be in aid of? From heaven to … hell??? Can I say that, without offending anybody? Hummmm… Sasthavattom feels like a lifetime ago. It's only 36 hours since I left! Oh god… tomorrow I’ll be talking with management… and most like also teaching with a smile - I hope. Keep you informed!
Hummm… I was sceptical, but willing to see if there really was any change. I’d know within a day if I’d be comfortable to stay. So I was brought to my room, the door opened, and I had a déjà vu… I'd already played a part in this scene - 18 months ago! A wooden frame for a bed, without any ‘dressing’ or mattrass’ and a dinky little childrens desk in the corner, grubby walls that hadn’t seen a coat of paint for… 20 years? barricaded Windows and an ‘en-suite’ bathroom with 5 years of grime gathered on the nicely yellow stained tiles that were actually blue underneath. I can only describe the dirt as the accumulation of human flith, fungus, dust and grime that grows and expands so easily in a damp and hot climate, creating the perfect breathing-zone for any kind of bacteria to live and get into the pours of the person who is sleeping and living only 1 meter away. The toilet was blue ceramic, but that also had turned yellow… it was of course good old fashioned dirt, both inside and outside the bowl… Such complaints I have… sorry, But adding some exaggerations is probably painting a clearer picture.
What happened after the déjà vu ended? Niamh smiled and said: ‘it’s fine’. The housewife (who is also the manager) was happy to hear, but not happy to give me a mattress, a pillow, a bedsheet… Nothing. So the staff at school managed to arrange something. But if I’d have been Pinocchio, my nose would’ve been so long! Because, of course I wasn’t happy! I wasn’t happy at all! I was standing there on the only thing that was clean in the whole building – the floor (I suppose that’s something big in itself) – and saying outloud to myself, appearing to be a mad woman: ‘It’s happening again, I’ve been here before…how is this possible?'
The déjà vu wasn’t only a vision. But it brought the exact same feelings with it too! I was overcome with the same wave, on Saturday afternoon, as the wave I was overcome by, 18 months before… It was the wave of… imprisonment and desperation to flee. I was left in the room alone. And really I couldn’t believe how this had happened… When I left India last year, I promised myself that if If I ever landed myself in a living situation that didn't feel right from the start, then I wasn't going to force myself to stay and suffer – just for fear of failing in the eyes of others or for fear of showing weakness. I told myself I wouldn’t do this again. I also gave my request to the school, before coming to Kayamkulam, that I wasn't going to stay in the same hostel, but I've learnt the hard way that good communication isn't an easy thing to come by, when arranging anything, either on a personal level or professional level… so, there I was; Saturday afternoon, literally the 'victim of bad communication!'
So, now, I’m sitting on the wooden bedframe (that thankfully does have a mattress on it and some nice new sheets), with my back against a wall that used to be a lovely soft pink, but sadly has turned many different shades of… brown. I spent last night in despair. Almost depressed… lying on the bed, in need of sleep, but not able to get any, because I was trying to figure out: how on earth this had happened? A place I said I would NEVER return to… Did I go wrong somewhere and why such punishment? All night I was awake… tormenting myself.
At times I've felt as though the past 4 months of my travels have been so high-flying that the tiniest ‘bump’ will feel huge and I’ll see myself falling back down to earth and landing with a bang in a place that my mind will class as a prison and therefore - with this powerful thought – my spirit will feel that thought: trapped and unable to escape… I felt so lost last night. It was like apart of me wasn’t here and only my body needed to be here in this hostel as some kind of a test… But I’m not too sure what it could be. Maybe for me to see if I'm strong enough to speak up and tell the management at school how awful I feel here… OR maybe it’s for me to challenge myself again, grin and bare what I've been given? I know I can do both. I can choose either option. But I don’t know which one is the best. Who would I be letting down, if I leave Kayamkulam because of the accommodation? If it’s myself, then I’ll have to grin and bare. If it’s only the school I'm letting down, then I can leave. If I’m letting myself down by staying… then I can leave… right?
Only after speaking-up about the fact that a change needs to be made, and so taking action and acting maturely instead of running away without even trying to solve anything, then I can make a decision. So I won’t jump the gun and flee nor will I bury my misery and pretend I’m happy with the living situation. I can do this, without sounding like a ‘spoilt foreign girl’ who is too demanding and massively high maintenance - which is often, and unfortunately inevitably, how people can label foreigners, as soon as they ask for change.
If I were to leave though, I wouldn’t instantly know where to go. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’ve not had the time! To be totally honest, a larger part of me wants to leave and apart of me does want this experience at the school. I’m just wondering, what could all of this be in aid of? From heaven to … hell??? Can I say that, without offending anybody? Hummmm… Sasthavattom feels like a lifetime ago. It's only 36 hours since I left! Oh god… tomorrow I’ll be talking with management… and most like also teaching with a smile - I hope. Keep you informed!
Leaving one home...
My last day at school in Sathavattom was quite the emotional one. It was Friday the 16th and I never expected that I’d show all the kids just how much it affected me that I was going. I wasn’t ready at all to be leaving. Maybe it was because my work wasn’t done. The annual day event still hadn’t taken place, so I was leaving with the rehearsals for my acts still unfinished (over the next 3 weeks the students will be doing everything without me, and I have to trust that they’ll keep putting in the effort to rehearse by themselves, and perform as best as they can when the day finally comes… (7th of Jan) I guess it’s all out of my hands now, I have little control over what happens, and that’s why I wasn’t ready to go.
It didn’t help matters that I became somewhat ill on the Wednesday night - 3 days before leaving. To make the chaotic days a little lighter, I started popping pills for the flu and some other aches and pains on Thursday night; 5 different pills at a time, 3 times a day!! For someone who never pops even an aspirin, this felt to be a huge amount – but I was reassured that the doctor only prescribed the best... Needless to say, such an amount really did work.
But even still, my last day (Friday the 26th) was hard. I was wrecked, stressed, and was eager to spread as much of myself as I could. But there wasn’t enough to go round. I didn’t even get the chance to properly prepare myself for the new school. Too much was happening, it was going too fast, and because I wasn’t well, it was a great struggle to keep up the pace. I did though, until the last hour. That's when we had a satsang (this is when the students will sit together for 30 minutes, making music and chanting songs). I wanted to say a proper goodbye on the mic during that hour, but I was too emotional (on hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have spoken!). I tried to do it without tears, but nope, it didn’t work, and of course I CRIED… In front of the whole school and all the teachers! I wanted to say so much to them all, but I only managed a few lines. Man oh man… how frustrating and what a soppy old one I’m turning into! The poor kids didn’t know what was happening… seeing ‘Niamh Ma’m’ in tears. I must have traumatised them all…oops… what a way to leave!
I thought they were only happy tears, but on reflection, I really don’t think they were. Yes, I’d had a brilliant experience, both at school and whilst living with Lekha. So I simply didn’t want to go. I wanted to be more apart of that school and of the childrens days. I felt to be leaving without having done half of what I could’ve done… Also, I became far too attached to them. Or they became attached to me, and then I simply let myself get carried away. It’s strange to think that I’ve been travelling for years, on and off, and whenever it comes to saying goodbye, I never cry… when I leave my family, I don’t sob… but when I leave these kids… I cry! Last year also, when I left the kids in Kayankulam, I cried on the mic… And it happened again here! Man oh man… I could apologize for my weakness, but I won’t. I believe it’s not a weakness but a different kind of strength when showing we’re vulnerable. It shows we’re only human. So no apologies from me! It is as it is...
Anyhow, on the way home in the car (still Friday), I suddenly had to start making the shift from Sasthavattom school to Kayankulam school. As well I still had to pack and round-up more bits and pieces and say more goodbyes that evening. But I was still weak, dizzy and flu-ish, emotional and in need of catching-up on the sleep I’d been loosing, because of having fever. Exhaustion reached its peak when I was trying to sort something out with the tailor. I was telling her about one of the costume designs for something for annual day. Suddenly I started having one of those ‘out of body’ experiences. I was talking, but I was outside of myself. I could hear myself speaking, but I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth. I was on auto-pilot and my voice sounded like the recorded version; the one that everybody else always hears, but not the one that I hear inside myself… if that makes sense ;)
Anyhoooos… I was freaked out, got home, went straight to bed. 10 min later, out of bed, trying to sort my life, but couldn’t speak for ages and just sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of milk, trying to grasp reality (I knew I had so much to organize within a few hours, but felt I had nothing to organize it with – there was no life inside!)… WHAAAAA…. I sat and sat and sat and waited for the drive to come, so I could start speaking again… then I sat and sat and sat and waited patiently for the drive to come, so I could start moving, eating, washing, folding, packing… And it did all happen… eventually. I can’t hardly remember how I did all that I needed to do, in the tiny space of time that I had and the small dosage of energy – but I did it.
Saturday morning, the day of leaving, I had to be in Sasthavattom school one last time. From there I left, with ‘my life’ in my backpack, at 11am. I said goodbye to Lekha, I took a rickshaw with 2 teachers and we bumped our way to the station. I waited for an hour with this lovely lady, not really thinking that I needed any mental preparation for what was to come. So I happily hopped on the train and by 3pm I was in Kayankulam. The driver of the schoolbus was there to pick me up – the same guy who would always collect me every morning last year! I jumped in, as if we’d only seen each other last week and off we went. I hoped he’d bring me straight to my new home – even though I didn’t know where it would be, but I was in need of a bed. We didn’t go near my ‘new home’. First we were off to school!
Oh god… I was looking like hell! I didn’t want everybody to see me for the first time in a year and a half looking like somebody who has just been to the wars! (after travelling on hot, smelly Indian trains - even if it’s only for an hour - anyone will look unattractive and in need of a bath) Either way, all the teachers were waiting. The children weren’t there… thankfully. So, I put on a big smile, I met everyone again - some new faces, some nicely familiar. Meeting everyone only took a short time.
Then I waited for a lift ‘home’. I was getting more and more curious… where would I be staying? They’d promised that it would be better than last year. I only hoped so, because I wasn’t really keen on staying in the same place again… Surely I wouldn’t be so unlucky and end-up back in the hostel that I classed as being one of the worst ‘long term stays’ I’ve had during that trip in India? It wouldn’t be that same hostel where mice were in my backpack, cockroaches were visiting daily and where my first impression made me break down in tears in the toilet - 18 months ago…??? It can’t be same place????? Well… it certainly can!
It didn’t help matters that I became somewhat ill on the Wednesday night - 3 days before leaving. To make the chaotic days a little lighter, I started popping pills for the flu and some other aches and pains on Thursday night; 5 different pills at a time, 3 times a day!! For someone who never pops even an aspirin, this felt to be a huge amount – but I was reassured that the doctor only prescribed the best... Needless to say, such an amount really did work.
But even still, my last day (Friday the 26th) was hard. I was wrecked, stressed, and was eager to spread as much of myself as I could. But there wasn’t enough to go round. I didn’t even get the chance to properly prepare myself for the new school. Too much was happening, it was going too fast, and because I wasn’t well, it was a great struggle to keep up the pace. I did though, until the last hour. That's when we had a satsang (this is when the students will sit together for 30 minutes, making music and chanting songs). I wanted to say a proper goodbye on the mic during that hour, but I was too emotional (on hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have spoken!). I tried to do it without tears, but nope, it didn’t work, and of course I CRIED… In front of the whole school and all the teachers! I wanted to say so much to them all, but I only managed a few lines. Man oh man… how frustrating and what a soppy old one I’m turning into! The poor kids didn’t know what was happening… seeing ‘Niamh Ma’m’ in tears. I must have traumatised them all…oops… what a way to leave!
I thought they were only happy tears, but on reflection, I really don’t think they were. Yes, I’d had a brilliant experience, both at school and whilst living with Lekha. So I simply didn’t want to go. I wanted to be more apart of that school and of the childrens days. I felt to be leaving without having done half of what I could’ve done… Also, I became far too attached to them. Or they became attached to me, and then I simply let myself get carried away. It’s strange to think that I’ve been travelling for years, on and off, and whenever it comes to saying goodbye, I never cry… when I leave my family, I don’t sob… but when I leave these kids… I cry! Last year also, when I left the kids in Kayankulam, I cried on the mic… And it happened again here! Man oh man… I could apologize for my weakness, but I won’t. I believe it’s not a weakness but a different kind of strength when showing we’re vulnerable. It shows we’re only human. So no apologies from me! It is as it is...
Anyhow, on the way home in the car (still Friday), I suddenly had to start making the shift from Sasthavattom school to Kayankulam school. As well I still had to pack and round-up more bits and pieces and say more goodbyes that evening. But I was still weak, dizzy and flu-ish, emotional and in need of catching-up on the sleep I’d been loosing, because of having fever. Exhaustion reached its peak when I was trying to sort something out with the tailor. I was telling her about one of the costume designs for something for annual day. Suddenly I started having one of those ‘out of body’ experiences. I was talking, but I was outside of myself. I could hear myself speaking, but I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth. I was on auto-pilot and my voice sounded like the recorded version; the one that everybody else always hears, but not the one that I hear inside myself… if that makes sense ;)
Anyhoooos… I was freaked out, got home, went straight to bed. 10 min later, out of bed, trying to sort my life, but couldn’t speak for ages and just sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of milk, trying to grasp reality (I knew I had so much to organize within a few hours, but felt I had nothing to organize it with – there was no life inside!)… WHAAAAA…. I sat and sat and sat and waited for the drive to come, so I could start speaking again… then I sat and sat and sat and waited patiently for the drive to come, so I could start moving, eating, washing, folding, packing… And it did all happen… eventually. I can’t hardly remember how I did all that I needed to do, in the tiny space of time that I had and the small dosage of energy – but I did it.
Saturday morning, the day of leaving, I had to be in Sasthavattom school one last time. From there I left, with ‘my life’ in my backpack, at 11am. I said goodbye to Lekha, I took a rickshaw with 2 teachers and we bumped our way to the station. I waited for an hour with this lovely lady, not really thinking that I needed any mental preparation for what was to come. So I happily hopped on the train and by 3pm I was in Kayankulam. The driver of the schoolbus was there to pick me up – the same guy who would always collect me every morning last year! I jumped in, as if we’d only seen each other last week and off we went. I hoped he’d bring me straight to my new home – even though I didn’t know where it would be, but I was in need of a bed. We didn’t go near my ‘new home’. First we were off to school!
Oh god… I was looking like hell! I didn’t want everybody to see me for the first time in a year and a half looking like somebody who has just been to the wars! (after travelling on hot, smelly Indian trains - even if it’s only for an hour - anyone will look unattractive and in need of a bath) Either way, all the teachers were waiting. The children weren’t there… thankfully. So, I put on a big smile, I met everyone again - some new faces, some nicely familiar. Meeting everyone only took a short time.
Then I waited for a lift ‘home’. I was getting more and more curious… where would I be staying? They’d promised that it would be better than last year. I only hoped so, because I wasn’t really keen on staying in the same place again… Surely I wouldn’t be so unlucky and end-up back in the hostel that I classed as being one of the worst ‘long term stays’ I’ve had during that trip in India? It wouldn’t be that same hostel where mice were in my backpack, cockroaches were visiting daily and where my first impression made me break down in tears in the toilet - 18 months ago…??? It can’t be same place????? Well… it certainly can!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Small change of plan
Change of plan and a change of school from next week. On Saturday the 17th I leave Sasthavattom, after 8 weeks of being here. Annual day, the big festival for which I’ve been teaching drama and yoga, has been postponed to the 7th of January. It was meant to be on the 19th (next week Monday) and I was meant to go to a school in Kollam after that date. But instead, I’m now going to Kayankulam before the Annual day performances. But I’ll be back just for the big day, in 3 weeks time.
The school I’ll be teaching at, from next week onwards, is the same school as last year. It’s actually the first school I was ever teaching for! I never thought I’d be teaching there again… and 1,5 years later, here I am preparing to be there for the remainder of my stay in India.
It’s almost like I’m coming full-circle. When I left Kayankulam last year, the school wanted me to stay, but I’d already made other arrangements so I travelled onwards and never thought I’d be back. Now, after travelling almost half way around the world, I’ll be finding myself in the place I started out. I wasn’t too sure of how I felt about going back, when I first heard the news a few days ago. Part of me wanted a new experience, a different school, a different town. But another part found it quite comforting and challenging at the same time. Comforting in its familiarity and challenging as I’ll be seeing myself in the same place, but with a different outlook and at a different stage in my life.
I must admit that lately I’ve been wondering if I’m somehow trying to recreate my past experiences. Witnessing a pattern of reoccurring places I visit throughout my travels is making me question why I seem to end up in most places twice (at least). For example Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, and now India. And each time I return, it’s always to the same route I follow! Is it that I’m trying to relive my past or is it that, in my past I didn’t take the time to fully engage in the country and its people - not in the manner I should’ve done? Am I drawn back to the same places so I can experience it ‘properly and wholeheartedly’? I think it could be for the reason that – when I first visit to a country - I either don’t take the time, I’m too distracted or I’m dealing with other stuff in my head, so I fail whilst trying to see clearly where I am and what I’m actually doing in life. And by returning to a place, I’m wishing to see the same place with the same people, buildings and environment, but through different eyes (hopefully those that are clearer, to present me with deeper vision, so I can appreciate the reoccurring experience even more). Yes, that’s it. And even though my mind will tell me that by returning I’m clinging to safety and not living and travelling fully, because the place isn’t ‘new’, I know that I’m not here to experience the same things as before.
Sometimes people think that by returning to a place that once had made their lives so exciting, it will be the same. Maybe they hope to feel the same degree of happiness, regardless of how much time has passed by in between both visits or how much the person who is returning has changed or the people living in that place. I’m well aware that 2 experiences, in the same place, can never be the same. I don’t expect both experiences to be, nor do I want them to be. When I returned to Oz, they weren’t, to Thailand, they weren’t. And so far, the experiences in India haven’t been nearly the same as before – even though the exact same places are appearing on the path.
Hummm… how exciting. So, it’s Kayankulam for the next 2 months. Then it’s onwards and upwards. I’ll be leaving India before the 16th of Feb. I don’t know where to, or what I’ll be doing but the options are endless and the road is open… or so I’ll keep telling myself – just to be sure ;)
The school I’ll be teaching at, from next week onwards, is the same school as last year. It’s actually the first school I was ever teaching for! I never thought I’d be teaching there again… and 1,5 years later, here I am preparing to be there for the remainder of my stay in India.
It’s almost like I’m coming full-circle. When I left Kayankulam last year, the school wanted me to stay, but I’d already made other arrangements so I travelled onwards and never thought I’d be back. Now, after travelling almost half way around the world, I’ll be finding myself in the place I started out. I wasn’t too sure of how I felt about going back, when I first heard the news a few days ago. Part of me wanted a new experience, a different school, a different town. But another part found it quite comforting and challenging at the same time. Comforting in its familiarity and challenging as I’ll be seeing myself in the same place, but with a different outlook and at a different stage in my life.
I must admit that lately I’ve been wondering if I’m somehow trying to recreate my past experiences. Witnessing a pattern of reoccurring places I visit throughout my travels is making me question why I seem to end up in most places twice (at least). For example Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, and now India. And each time I return, it’s always to the same route I follow! Is it that I’m trying to relive my past or is it that, in my past I didn’t take the time to fully engage in the country and its people - not in the manner I should’ve done? Am I drawn back to the same places so I can experience it ‘properly and wholeheartedly’? I think it could be for the reason that – when I first visit to a country - I either don’t take the time, I’m too distracted or I’m dealing with other stuff in my head, so I fail whilst trying to see clearly where I am and what I’m actually doing in life. And by returning to a place, I’m wishing to see the same place with the same people, buildings and environment, but through different eyes (hopefully those that are clearer, to present me with deeper vision, so I can appreciate the reoccurring experience even more). Yes, that’s it. And even though my mind will tell me that by returning I’m clinging to safety and not living and travelling fully, because the place isn’t ‘new’, I know that I’m not here to experience the same things as before.
Sometimes people think that by returning to a place that once had made their lives so exciting, it will be the same. Maybe they hope to feel the same degree of happiness, regardless of how much time has passed by in between both visits or how much the person who is returning has changed or the people living in that place. I’m well aware that 2 experiences, in the same place, can never be the same. I don’t expect both experiences to be, nor do I want them to be. When I returned to Oz, they weren’t, to Thailand, they weren’t. And so far, the experiences in India haven’t been nearly the same as before – even though the exact same places are appearing on the path.
Hummm… how exciting. So, it’s Kayankulam for the next 2 months. Then it’s onwards and upwards. I’ll be leaving India before the 16th of Feb. I don’t know where to, or what I’ll be doing but the options are endless and the road is open… or so I’ll keep telling myself – just to be sure ;)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Time for some plans...
It’s been just over 3 months since I arrived in India. Can’t believe how short it’s been and how much has happened. I only realized the other day that it’s time for me to start thinking ahead. My visa expires in only 10 weeks time. How did that happen? I haven’t got a clue… wouw… 10 weeks to go… Feb the 17th I have to leave… And have I thought about what I want to do or where I want to go? Hell no! I’ve been too swamped at school to start planning ahead. There’s been no space in my days… and little space in my head.
Actually, I could be using the haste at school as an excuse… maybe I’ve purposely been putting off making any plans; I don’t want to have to think about moving away from India. I don’t even want to think about moving away from this school – which is meant to be happening in 2 weeks time; if everything goes to plan (I’ll be placed in a different school, only an hour or so up the road). I’ve been hoping that will happen, something that will permit me to stay longer than the 6 months. I could renew my visa for another 6 months. But I’d first have to leave the country, apply for it from outside of India, wait for approval and re-enter 2 months after leaving. Doing this isn’t a guarantee that I’ll be permitted to come back so soon after leaving (especially as it would be my 3rd tourist visa in the space of 2 years – the government is getting stricter with the foreigners and their regular visits, especially if it’s purely for ‘vacating’ for months on end!). I don’t reckon this is what I’ll be planning on doing. Too risky.
So, now I’m secretly hoping for these schools to help me out with getting a volunteer visa that’s valid for a year. Then I can stay working for them, and I’d not have to leave in Feb… or for the following 12 months! The thoughts of this, has made me wonder if I’d want to commit myself to a full year of teaching here, from Feb onwards. I’m not too clear on the answer yet. At the moment I’m loving it. But I don’t know if that’s because I know this position is only temporary, or if it’s because I truly feel at home and at ease here. I’m not too sure if suddenly my feelings towards teaching for these schools would change, if this job became something more ‘permanent’. I guess that’s only something I’ll know, by trying… With everything we do, and every decision, there’s a risk of it not working out the way we’d hoped… and only by following something through and taking the risk, will we find the answer. To not follow through, we’re left wondering…
I might be jumping the gun a little, but I’m just weighing up my options. Because it could be on offer – there’s been some talk… but no definite or concrete ‘proposals’ on their behalf. I guess, at the moment, I just have to wait and see if they’re willing to arrange a volunteer visa, so I can stay longer. And only then can I decide if it’s what I want.
It’s so nice to get the time right now, to be throwing these ideas around in my head. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance and time moves so fast, without properly realizing. I need to start planning something… Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, after the way I left India last year… it’s that I DO need a plan of some sort; especially if I want to return. Without any proper plan, whilst being on the road, a person can suddenly find themselves on the way home, with or without wanting to. It’s what happened last year: I left India, wanted to come back as soon as I could but I didn’t really think it through. That’s why it took me 13 months, instead of 2, to come back (don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any regrets about where I chose to spend my time in between the 2 experiences I’ve had in India… because eventually I DID make it back to India…that’s what’s most important!!!!).
So now, within 10 weeks I’ve to suss out what I want and I’ve to make it happen. Maybe I can sit back and do nothing, except for work my ass off at school and hope that that deed alone will be the thing to keep me here in India… maybe I can trust that if I’m meant to stay, without having to do a ‘2 months visa run’, then I will… maybe I can trust that if nothing permits me to stay, then obviously I’m meant to move onwards… Maybe I can trust that there’s another teaching job in a different Asian country waiting for me… Perhaps… China??? Haha… Ah no, best not to head to land of dragons… not just yet. It doesn’t put a smile on my face.
I know I must trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. As long as I’m giving myself the time of day to keep clear in my mind what it is that I want and where I’d like to be, whilst keeping my priorities in order, then everything will always be well… People have been asking me, when I’m going back to Ireland. And all I say I can say is… Not yet. I can’t… not unless something regarding my book, calls me home. That’s when I’ll be going… Humm… I’ll not go into that subject for now and I’ll continue when I’ve some more clarity :)
Actually, I could be using the haste at school as an excuse… maybe I’ve purposely been putting off making any plans; I don’t want to have to think about moving away from India. I don’t even want to think about moving away from this school – which is meant to be happening in 2 weeks time; if everything goes to plan (I’ll be placed in a different school, only an hour or so up the road). I’ve been hoping that will happen, something that will permit me to stay longer than the 6 months. I could renew my visa for another 6 months. But I’d first have to leave the country, apply for it from outside of India, wait for approval and re-enter 2 months after leaving. Doing this isn’t a guarantee that I’ll be permitted to come back so soon after leaving (especially as it would be my 3rd tourist visa in the space of 2 years – the government is getting stricter with the foreigners and their regular visits, especially if it’s purely for ‘vacating’ for months on end!). I don’t reckon this is what I’ll be planning on doing. Too risky.
So, now I’m secretly hoping for these schools to help me out with getting a volunteer visa that’s valid for a year. Then I can stay working for them, and I’d not have to leave in Feb… or for the following 12 months! The thoughts of this, has made me wonder if I’d want to commit myself to a full year of teaching here, from Feb onwards. I’m not too clear on the answer yet. At the moment I’m loving it. But I don’t know if that’s because I know this position is only temporary, or if it’s because I truly feel at home and at ease here. I’m not too sure if suddenly my feelings towards teaching for these schools would change, if this job became something more ‘permanent’. I guess that’s only something I’ll know, by trying… With everything we do, and every decision, there’s a risk of it not working out the way we’d hoped… and only by following something through and taking the risk, will we find the answer. To not follow through, we’re left wondering…
I might be jumping the gun a little, but I’m just weighing up my options. Because it could be on offer – there’s been some talk… but no definite or concrete ‘proposals’ on their behalf. I guess, at the moment, I just have to wait and see if they’re willing to arrange a volunteer visa, so I can stay longer. And only then can I decide if it’s what I want.
It’s so nice to get the time right now, to be throwing these ideas around in my head. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance and time moves so fast, without properly realizing. I need to start planning something… Because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, after the way I left India last year… it’s that I DO need a plan of some sort; especially if I want to return. Without any proper plan, whilst being on the road, a person can suddenly find themselves on the way home, with or without wanting to. It’s what happened last year: I left India, wanted to come back as soon as I could but I didn’t really think it through. That’s why it took me 13 months, instead of 2, to come back (don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any regrets about where I chose to spend my time in between the 2 experiences I’ve had in India… because eventually I DID make it back to India…that’s what’s most important!!!!).
So now, within 10 weeks I’ve to suss out what I want and I’ve to make it happen. Maybe I can sit back and do nothing, except for work my ass off at school and hope that that deed alone will be the thing to keep me here in India… maybe I can trust that if I’m meant to stay, without having to do a ‘2 months visa run’, then I will… maybe I can trust that if nothing permits me to stay, then obviously I’m meant to move onwards… Maybe I can trust that there’s another teaching job in a different Asian country waiting for me… Perhaps… China??? Haha… Ah no, best not to head to land of dragons… not just yet. It doesn’t put a smile on my face.
I know I must trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. As long as I’m giving myself the time of day to keep clear in my mind what it is that I want and where I’d like to be, whilst keeping my priorities in order, then everything will always be well… People have been asking me, when I’m going back to Ireland. And all I say I can say is… Not yet. I can’t… not unless something regarding my book, calls me home. That’s when I’ll be going… Humm… I’ll not go into that subject for now and I’ll continue when I’ve some more clarity :)
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