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Monday, April 19, 2010

Hellish me - 2

I was brought to the hostel where I’d be staying. Okay Niamh, all was going to be better soon. I’d have a room and a bed. What I usually do, when going to another form of accommodation is gear myself up for the worst, and everything will be a bonus. Well I wasn’t in the right place, to have this mindset, on this particular day. So of course I was the unhappiest person ever when I saw the room I was going to be staying in, until the end of May. I don’t have my own space, the toilet is manky, the ants are everywhere, there’s no lock on the door, no plugs in the room. But the worst thing at the first sighting of my little piece of “comfort” was the bed: It was just wooden planks! There wasn’t a sheet, pillow, mattress.. Nothing! At that moment all I wanted was to sleep.. But seeing this bed, made me panic. I could not sleep on this bed!! I’m leaving if you don’t sort me out something to cover the wooden-planks! They got me a pillow, and some sheets, when they saw the desperation on my face.. So at least for that I was grateful. When I was alone, I broke down again, and really asked myself: why do I put myself in these situations? What’s all of this in aid of? This is the wrong thing I’m doing, once again! This thing that has gotten inside of me, is a sign saying I’m doing something I shouldn’t and now I must leave! I was distraught.

I went to bed for the whole day. I slept and slept. Got interrupted so many times, by others girls in the hostel just being nosy as to who the new (and only) foreigner is, by the owner trying to get to know me, by the cook trying to figure out what food to prepare for me, by phonecalls from Suresh seeing if I was feeling better. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

At this stage I felt I was never ever going to feel normal again. I felt like this was it, this was my life, my body and soul were gone. I felt I’d never get my energy back, my stomach would never settle again and the thoughts of food would never make me feel hungry, ever again. I was expected to teach, the following day. I still had lessons to plan.. Can I do this? Well, between sleeps, I forced down food, I re-hydrated myself, and I mentally told myself I wasn’t going to anything I wasn’t able for. I had to let go of wanting to please them and I realized that this is MY health, MY body and MY life. They can push me into going to work all they like, but if I’m not able, then it’s tough for them! The worst they can do, is tell me not to come back, and I’ll say fine, because the hostel I’m staying at is appalling anyhow! Sorry for that little outburst.. But this instantly helped, the pressure was gone and my body starting working through so many different unpleasant feelings. This virus I had gotten hold of was at it’s peak, but I was banishing it by focusing my energy on my strength. Miraculously I woke up at 2am and everything had cleared. The flu symptoms had gone, my stomach was a ease, my bowels were being friendly to me, my head was at peace and I smiled without even thinking of smiling! It was natural and effortless. Wouw. It was unreal. I was so happy and grateful.

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