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Monday, April 26, 2010

So what's next?

Finding the balance between being here in this moment and deciding HOW I can keep myself in the position of constantly experiencing more of these amazing moments: This is where I’m at right now after being preoccupied by things I’ve prioritised in my mind (which was “work“ or teaching). How can I enjoy this experience totally and give everything I have to the kids, if I’m focused on what I’m wanting to do afterwards? How be here in amazement and also at the same time, be sure, that my next step will work and that it will keep me going in the direction I want? Yes, I’ve already found the answer: it’s balance. But someone can never be sure what‘s right, no matter how much focus is put on figuring out what will come of a certain decision. Trying to predict the future, is impossible. So instead of trying to create images in the mind of how life will unfold, wouldn’t it be so much kinder to the soul to act without thinking ahead? But that’s the thing: we DO need some kind of plan. Maybe I should call it “approach” instead of “plan”? (The word “plan” makes my throat and chest feel tight!) I just always wonder: how far ahead should we think? How much should we leave to the last minute? How much should we go with the flow? To what extent in life, can the approach of “going with the flow” work, if we want to sustain the particular life that we want for ourselves?

This is my problem. For months I’ve been going with the flow. I’ve been making last minute decisions and taking rash actions. And now suddenly I’m needing to plan the next 3 or 4 months and it feels like the biggest thing in the world. It’s only a short space in time, but it could lead me in so many directions. The paths I could take are numerous. But then again, I don’t want all the different paths life offers. The path I’m currently on is the one I want to follow and so I will. And therefore no matter where the next months lead me, I know what I need and want and will achieve from all that I’m doing. And if all of this makes me happy, then I know how to keep it because I have all that I need to keep it. It’s so simple.

But sometimes there’s this voice inside my head, persuading me, that in 3 months time, everything will end. Life will end - this is how I used to think and these thoughts would set me up for a downfall. But not anymore! I can be the drama queen for a few paragraphs on this post and that’s fine (it needs to be done), as long as the drama is only short-lived!

And, hurray! It’s so short-lived because - as I said in my previous post - I’ve started to feel like this is the start of something new. I feel like a door has opened for me or a door has opened from within me and I’m so able and willing and actually already AM in the midst of embracing so much more of myself and the world. I haven’t actually realized until now, but this is what’s happening.. So why was I thinking this teaching experience was passing me by, when I’m getting so much “newness” from it? Because it’s been overwhelming and everything has taken me by such surprise (and this, in turn, has led me to feel distracted when it comes to making the plans for the next months). And being overwhelmed often makes us feel like this is either too good, too random, too unsustainable or too fragile to be true or to hold on to. But nothing will ever let me loose all that I’ve attained, all that I have and all that is me.

I’m sorry to disappoint but the answer to the title of this post: “so what’s next?”, you didn’t find here today. That may have misled you and all of my reflecting and contemplating of this afternoon. But either thank you for reading and if answers do come, you’ll be the first to know.

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