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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Yoga talk - 3 - The story ends..

At 01.30pm on Thursday afternoon I made 2 calls regarding work. I had to know that I had something lined-up or some sort of plan of action before taking the plunge and breaking free from this house. I spoke with a certain person on the phone. The chances of him actually having a job for me, were so slim, but still I felt the urge to ring him. Amazingly I was offered a job teaching English, for 6 weeks, starting from next week! It all happened so fast. An hour later I had told Nandan I wanted to leave, he was totally fine and didn’t even want to know why I wasn’t staying! I was booking my ticket to leave asap and heading in the southerly direction; that’s where the teaching position will be (back in the state of Kerala, I’ll need to go to Cochin and from there I’ll be brought to the town where the school is.. 3 hours from Cochin). The other teachers who heard of my leaving, didn’t even say goodbye. One guy asked, with everybody just sitting around, if I wasn’t happy here, in a nice but sarcastic manner. I was going to start explaining myself to them all. And then I thought: No, **** the lot of you! I’m going to be honest and I said: “no, I’m not happy“. I probably insulted everybody by “dissing” their so-called fantastic and glamorous lifestyle. But I was only being myself by saying I wasn’t happy and that was probably the only time I actually DID feel happy! Whoohoo!! Life was looking better already!

Still Thursday afternoon. I was trying to book my ticket online. But it wasn’t working. So1 of the girls said I should just pack my bags, the driver would drop me on the main road and from there I can get a taxi to the station and hope to get an overnight bus to wherever. In a way I was shocked - even though it‘s what I wanted all along, as I wouldn‘t have to hang around longer than necessary.. freedom was calling me!.. But, coming from her, what I had done to deserve this?! Wasn’t I allowed to stay until the following morning, have one more yummy meal and a proper sleep before heading on my way to wherever? Apparently not. So I said fine. I had 15 min to pack my bags because the “driver” was waiting. This made me feel even more desperate to end this thing and I was even more certain of my decision. How rude she was to me! And then, she had the nerve to say, when I was leaving: “if you ever change your mind, let us know and you can come back, you‘ve got potential!!” Yeah right!!! I doubt you’ll see me back, sweet Barbie doll! Sorry to get smart.

A dream wasn’t so much shattered by realizing that artistic yoga won’t be the way for me to go. Instead I now realize even more what yoga means to me, and it’s not as a substitute for training at the gym. Definitely not. I probably discovered that I’m more passionate about it than I thought I was and I know that I’d love to be a teacher. But not in that environment. No way. I want to learn so much about the yoga, but through people who appreciate ALL it has to offer. And I want to meet those people. I want to then bring this to others, who aren’t in agony because the class is so intense and who aren’t hating every minute because they’re pushing their boundaries constantly and blaming the teacher (which would be me) for their pain. This is not what I want. I’m now so keen, more than before, but it just isn’t my time to be taking this direction of teaching.

A lot of issues came up over the past few days. All of my “demons”, they all came to the surface and I questioned nearly everything I felt to be true. But I don’t need to really, as I can trust myself even more so than before; within 4 hours of being there I knew something wasn’t wrong!! How cool is that! I didn’t need to put myself through 2 whole weeks of facing dilemma’s and queries and making the process even more painful. I’m free again, and that’s a big relief. I can go and be and do anything I like. I’m apart of the real world once again.

This whole episode feels to have lasted a lot longer than only 3 days. I thought I’d feel like a failure for having taken the decision to go in the first place and then to leave that scene so suddenly. But I don’t. I don’t care. All I care is about my own health, and there in that situation, something went very wrong, in regards to mine. Now it’s time for me to deal with it along with getting the next thing set into place, so I can keep my India real. My head has been all over the place, my body is weak and tired and my focus has temporarily gone. I’m trying so hard to get everything out of me, and I sometimes wonder if I’m not trying too much. India isn’t easy, at the best of times. Especially when I put so much pressure on myself to make things work in the right way. It doesn’t help that it’s more than just one thing I’m trying to materialize either. I’m challenging myself, and this is what I wanted. But it’s only temporarily. Things are slowly coming good again. All I want now, is a nice conversation with somebody, anybody. I haven’t had a flowing conversation with anybody since Monday. It’s now Saturday. I wonder who the next person will be. I’m looking forward to it. How nice it will be.

For now, enough about this week. How I got on once I left the yoga house, is still unfolding. Catch you soon!

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