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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Yoga talk - 2

I couldn’t chat to anybody, no matter how much effort I put into getting someone to open up to me. I would look in the mirror and as the hours passed on day 1 (Wednesday), the colour was draining from my face. I was pale, tired and unhappy. I couldn’t smile, I had a constant frown, hardly recognized myself anymore and I worried constantly about how I was going to get myself out of this situation. I really started to exaggerate my feelings in my mind: life suddenly had lost all of its magic. Please, give me nothing, only myself and I’d be happier. I was then starting to fear reading books, or going for a nap, because that would mean I’d have escaped to a much nicer world and then would have to re-enter this world, of which I really didn’t want to be apart of. So, all I did, was write and write and write in my journal. I didn’t speak properly with anybody. In total, I went to 5 classes at the studio, and felt sick in my chest, my back, my head constantly, as soon as I’d come out of an amazing yoga pose. After class I’d count down the hours till we were being collected to go back to the house, where I knew I had an amazing meal waiting for me. This was all that was going on by Wednesday evening (I hadn’t even been there 2 days!). All I enjoyed was eating and sleeping! And the only people I felt drawn to and wanted to make a conversation with, were the2 maids. Such genuine and friendly girls, who couldn’t speak English but were so sweet.

I went to bed on Wednesday night and knew I had to act. Niamh, do something to change this. It’s pointless being here. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. I was wanting, initially, to wait a week or 2 and give it a proper go. But I was concerned that I’d easily get accustomed to their way of being, and I’d forget all that I value, by being in an environment like this one. Also, the longer it takes me for me to act, the harder it gets to break free and that I’d end up feeling I owed them my time and would need to work for them to repay them for the training (and the amazing food!). So my instinct was telling me to do it soon. And, as always, when I act, things happen so fast. And they did. I woke up on Thursday morning. I had to take the 7am class. So I went. By this stage my body was giving in. It really was struggling so much. There was so much going on physically and emotionally. I don’t know if it was a combination of the training and the situation I was that made me feel so low. But my energy was gone. I looked in the mirror again after the class and I was the colour of milk. I recognized myself even less than the day previous and I looked ill. I looked like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and would have happily collapsed.

What was my plan of action going to be? I was in Hyderabad. What did I want to do? Where did I want to go? I explored every option, on Thursday morning after class. I thought about going to another country, I thought about going back to Chennai, I thought about just travelling and giving myself a break from trying to get some sort of settled lifestyle in India.. Because it just didn’t seem to be working. I considered going back home and looking for English teaching somewhere else. I felt I had reached breaking point on Thursday. I wanted to confide in someone. I needed to speak and to vent all my emotions to a pair of ears, instead of the pages in my precious journal. But there was nobody. So I knew I had to do this by myself. I had gotten myself into this “pickle” and now it was up to me, without any advice or with as little help from others as possible, to get myself out of it. I didn’t want to leave India. Not yet. I needed to give it some more effort. I had resources and I’d make a change for the better! I was going to use all I had gotten to know, so far, since first arriving here 10 weeks ago. And I did.

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