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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The rashness of it all..

20 hours after leaving Chennai. I didn’t really get the chance to properly say “goodbye”. Well, I did, but now that I’m gone it feels almost like I left too suddenly. Yes, it all happened fast: the yoga position being offered to me, the decision to take it and the choice to get it started right away. But did I leave too soon? Many would think I did. Especially people at home. My mam for instance, who I rang yesterday afternoon (Monday), half an hour before I was due to leave the beautiful home I was staying at for the past 5 weeks. Of course it sounded rash and like a drastic change in direction. Because nobody knew that this yoga position was what I was wanting all along. It seems to have come out of the blue I suppose. And in many ways it did to me too, as I hadn’t expected this chance.

Yesterday, ringing home, I had to tell Mam “in person” (by phone is as “in person” as it gets whilst being away from home). It felt to be such a big step I was taking and I didn’t want her to read it on my blog. Shock of the sudden change but encouragement to take this opportunity, were her reactions. She was nervous for me as I told her I was leaving in half an hour. Was I nervous? No. Was I excited? yes. But what else was I? Sad to leave Chennai? I’m not too sure. I didn’t feel that I was leaving, for some strange reason. I didn’t feel to be too reflective - which was very surprising to me, seeing as though it’s usually what I am when I close one chapter to start another.

I said goodbye to Jayanthi and her parents at the house. It was me, once again, out on my own. I felt so free, I felt so secure. But of course it did feel strange to leave a place I had gotten so comfortable. I knew I was going to miss certain things; the easiness of being there, the talks, the room upstairs with the rooftop, the walks on the beach each morning, the city-outings.. Of course I’d miss it all. But as they say, there’s a time for coming and a time for leaving. My time for leaving happened so rashly, it almost passed me by!! That’s the reason why I can question it. But I didn’t feel bad. It felt good for it to be just me again.

I wondered though, had I done wrong by Jayanthi and her family by coming into their lives, letting them get used to me being there and giving them the “burden” of my unknown plans regarding my travels, my life and my situation, to then suddenly pack my bags and leave? Was this unfair of me? Should I not have burdened them at all? Would I ever be able to repay them for all the help they gave me? Had I just taken all I could and not given anything in return? And by my leaving so suddenly, was I taking even more from them than I already had taken, throughout my stay with them? Should I now feel bad, for letting myself get into that situation in the first place? But if so, then a person, or I, would never be able to get close to anybody whilst travelling, for fear of taking too much throughout the time we spend together and then only making their lives more complicated by their need to adjust to my being there and then to my not being there, once again.

This is a topic or an issue even, that has gone through my mind a few times. And I had already made peace with what they had assured me of: you weren’t in the way, you weren’t any trouble to have and everyone enjoyed you being here. So all parties involved were happy and benefiting in some way or another.

So what more can I say on the subject? I can’t feel bad. I travel, I move, I sometimes stick too long and suddenly things happen and I rashly move. This has happened many times before. I never want to hurt anybody in the process though. Sometimes it can happen and I can seen as the “bad-guy”. But if someone knows me, and knows what makes me tick and how I’ve moved myself through my life over the years, then they know how I “operate” and so with that awareness shouldn’t they not blame me for having the sudden urge to leave? I’m actually referring to other situations that I’ve found myself in over the years and so it’s not regarding the Chennai situation. I can let it rest, because I know that I haven’t hurt anybody and so there is no blame and I am free and know this is what I do..

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