Thursday afternoon I left the house. I was free. I had no plans. In that moment I didn’t care that I had no clue of where I was staying that night. All I wanted was to get on my way. I realized that this was the first time for me to be out my own, without a detailed plan as to where I was going, since getting to this country. This was a different way to be in India. It would be a challenge, of this much I was aware. But I’d be fine, as long as I took each step at a time, and knew my general direction, I was certain the details would all fall into place.
Leaving Hyderabad (where the yoga house was) was a mission. But I managed; just by putting my trust in strangers, taking assistance from policemen, asking 100 times how to get to certain places and finding ways to set up where my next overnight stay would be. For Thursday night it was the bus where I’d be sleeping. I was happy to get a ticket at such short notice. I was at peace...
This was my first overnight bus journey in India by the way, and an experience not many travelers would recommend but definitely something I was happy to finally undergo. I met the kindest people and felt so at home – more so than I had at any stage during the yoga story. I laughed so much when taking-in the whole “process” of getting the journey underway; it was top-notch entertainment! We were waiting on the bus, it almost 2 hours late and the drivers still didn’t make any effort to speed things along; they were installing the television, cleaning the windows, getting fuel, having dinner, talking amongst themselves and even took their time to have a “body wash”!. I was loving every minute of what I was seeing. The journey to Bangalore took 14 hours. The manic style of driving was something that would usually make a passenger nervous, scared and fearful of their lives with every swerve the bus makes, every honk of the horn and slam on the breaks. But I let go of the nerves and enjoyed it as much as possible. I slept not so much. And when there’s no sleep there’s also no proper end to one day or start to the next: the days start rolling into each other and it always feels so strange.
At 8.30 we reached the city. I had no clue what I was doing. I suddenly dreaded the next step. I had a few options I was considering. All I knew was to get to the railway station, and see how soon I can get another ticket booked to keep making my way down south. I wanted it to be as soon as possible. But I was tired, I was sweating, I was hungry. Since my last yoga class, which was only 24 hours ago, I had been through so much and hadn’t had any time to get over it all. I was still running on the same “energy” which had left me, shortly after the class had finished. But life was evolving, it waits for nobody and I wouldn’t have been able to press pause, even if I tried. Or could I? Yes I could. By again, putting my trust in some locals, who met me when I got off the bus. They got me a taxi to a hotel near the station. I didn’t care of the cost at that point. I needed a shower and some sleep and some peace to keep up with things. I booked myself in for 1 night. The owner was an arrogant *** and I wasn’t really comfortable there, but I had a shower (which was a bucket of cold water..) and a bed. I then had the rest of the day (which was still on Friday) to sort out my ticket for the next leg of the journey which was from Bangalore to Cochin, and it had to be on Saturday night. It was another mission. In my exhaustion it would have been so easy to let everything I was surrounded by, get me down: the sleazy looks, the dirty looks, the amazed looks, the snide remarks, the sniggers behind my back, the wrong directions in which I was being pointed in, the heat, the traffic, the vastness of this unfamiliar big city. But I forced myself to be unaffected by this crazy place. This was not going to get the better of me! And it didn’t. It took me all afternoon to sort, and I actually did meet some really nice people in the process of booking something that usually would be such a small and easy step to take, anywhere else. But I wasn’t anywhere else. I was in India, and this is how things are. Simply accept things as they are and deal with them! And always Smile to lighten the load – and take to relax the muscles in the face, because when you frown you use 74 facial muscles and only 14 when you smile!!! That thought alone, put a smile on my dial.
I had the most relaxing night. I actually sat and watched the most television, for the first time in ages. It was so nice. The following morning, I had to check out by 9am. My bus wasn’t leaving until 6pm. So I had the whole day to fill. I wasn’t in the mood to go exploring. So I dumped my luggage at the cloakroom in the station, and hung out all day. I was just like the rest of the “waiters” at the station: I was hanging around with nothing better to do, just to avoid spending an unnecessary amount of money and so I was filling my time with watching and observing and of course, being watched and observed.
It was getting to be so tiring: knowing that every move I make, no matter where I go or what I’m doing doesn’t go unnoticed. (all travelers can relate to this I’m sure.. especially girls.) I have a coconut on the side of the street and there are at least 20 pairs of eyes focused on me. I walk into an eating joint and at least 30 pairs of eyes look. But I can’t meet all of their gazes, as much as I would want to; I want to because I’ve realized with the return of a stare, they soon stop but 30 pairs of eyes, it‘s too much. Then 20 comments regarding “the girl who just walked in alone”, are being whispered to their neighbor and they are either appalled at the sight of her or they are simply amused. To show I don’t care, I smile, especially to the women, and I tell myself that they don’t mean to be rude, it’s just how I’m perceiving it. This attitude takes away a lot the pressure I can sometimes feel, but it takes a lot of energy at the same time; which is something I didn’t have too much of.
Saturday was the waiting day. I met some interesting people who made me feel happy and grateful for where I was and what I was doing. There was the boy selling tea who was maybe 10 years old but had the presence of a 20 year old, then there was a man who claimed he was God and was searching everywhere to complete his mission. He helped me out though, which made one step of the journey a lot easier than it otherwise would have been. Then there was a jolly fellow who told me about his trip to Finland and then high-fived me after he felt how heavy my backpack was and realized I was actually able to lift it. It was so funny. I couldn't wait though to finally get on that bus, and out of Bangalore..
Showing posts with label Hyderabad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hyderabad. Show all posts
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Yoga talk - 3 - The story ends..
At 01.30pm on Thursday afternoon I made 2 calls regarding work. I had to know that I had something lined-up or some sort of plan of action before taking the plunge and breaking free from this house. I spoke with a certain person on the phone. The chances of him actually having a job for me, were so slim, but still I felt the urge to ring him. Amazingly I was offered a job teaching English, for 6 weeks, starting from next week! It all happened so fast. An hour later I had told Nandan I wanted to leave, he was totally fine and didn’t even want to know why I wasn’t staying! I was booking my ticket to leave asap and heading in the southerly direction; that’s where the teaching position will be (back in the state of Kerala, I’ll need to go to Cochin and from there I’ll be brought to the town where the school is.. 3 hours from Cochin). The other teachers who heard of my leaving, didn’t even say goodbye. One guy asked, with everybody just sitting around, if I wasn’t happy here, in a nice but sarcastic manner. I was going to start explaining myself to them all. And then I thought: No, **** the lot of you! I’m going to be honest and I said: “no, I’m not happy“. I probably insulted everybody by “dissing” their so-called fantastic and glamorous lifestyle. But I was only being myself by saying I wasn’t happy and that was probably the only time I actually DID feel happy! Whoohoo!! Life was looking better already!
Still Thursday afternoon. I was trying to book my ticket online. But it wasn’t working. So1 of the girls said I should just pack my bags, the driver would drop me on the main road and from there I can get a taxi to the station and hope to get an overnight bus to wherever. In a way I was shocked - even though it‘s what I wanted all along, as I wouldn‘t have to hang around longer than necessary.. freedom was calling me!.. But, coming from her, what I had done to deserve this?! Wasn’t I allowed to stay until the following morning, have one more yummy meal and a proper sleep before heading on my way to wherever? Apparently not. So I said fine. I had 15 min to pack my bags because the “driver” was waiting. This made me feel even more desperate to end this thing and I was even more certain of my decision. How rude she was to me! And then, she had the nerve to say, when I was leaving: “if you ever change your mind, let us know and you can come back, you‘ve got potential!!” Yeah right!!! I doubt you’ll see me back, sweet Barbie doll! Sorry to get smart.
A dream wasn’t so much shattered by realizing that artistic yoga won’t be the way for me to go. Instead I now realize even more what yoga means to me, and it’s not as a substitute for training at the gym. Definitely not. I probably discovered that I’m more passionate about it than I thought I was and I know that I’d love to be a teacher. But not in that environment. No way. I want to learn so much about the yoga, but through people who appreciate ALL it has to offer. And I want to meet those people. I want to then bring this to others, who aren’t in agony because the class is so intense and who aren’t hating every minute because they’re pushing their boundaries constantly and blaming the teacher (which would be me) for their pain. This is not what I want. I’m now so keen, more than before, but it just isn’t my time to be taking this direction of teaching.
A lot of issues came up over the past few days. All of my “demons”, they all came to the surface and I questioned nearly everything I felt to be true. But I don’t need to really, as I can trust myself even more so than before; within 4 hours of being there I knew something wasn’t wrong!! How cool is that! I didn’t need to put myself through 2 whole weeks of facing dilemma’s and queries and making the process even more painful. I’m free again, and that’s a big relief. I can go and be and do anything I like. I’m apart of the real world once again.
This whole episode feels to have lasted a lot longer than only 3 days. I thought I’d feel like a failure for having taken the decision to go in the first place and then to leave that scene so suddenly. But I don’t. I don’t care. All I care is about my own health, and there in that situation, something went very wrong, in regards to mine. Now it’s time for me to deal with it along with getting the next thing set into place, so I can keep my India real. My head has been all over the place, my body is weak and tired and my focus has temporarily gone. I’m trying so hard to get everything out of me, and I sometimes wonder if I’m not trying too much. India isn’t easy, at the best of times. Especially when I put so much pressure on myself to make things work in the right way. It doesn’t help that it’s more than just one thing I’m trying to materialize either. I’m challenging myself, and this is what I wanted. But it’s only temporarily. Things are slowly coming good again. All I want now, is a nice conversation with somebody, anybody. I haven’t had a flowing conversation with anybody since Monday. It’s now Saturday. I wonder who the next person will be. I’m looking forward to it. How nice it will be.
For now, enough about this week. How I got on once I left the yoga house, is still unfolding. Catch you soon!
Still Thursday afternoon. I was trying to book my ticket online. But it wasn’t working. So1 of the girls said I should just pack my bags, the driver would drop me on the main road and from there I can get a taxi to the station and hope to get an overnight bus to wherever. In a way I was shocked - even though it‘s what I wanted all along, as I wouldn‘t have to hang around longer than necessary.. freedom was calling me!.. But, coming from her, what I had done to deserve this?! Wasn’t I allowed to stay until the following morning, have one more yummy meal and a proper sleep before heading on my way to wherever? Apparently not. So I said fine. I had 15 min to pack my bags because the “driver” was waiting. This made me feel even more desperate to end this thing and I was even more certain of my decision. How rude she was to me! And then, she had the nerve to say, when I was leaving: “if you ever change your mind, let us know and you can come back, you‘ve got potential!!” Yeah right!!! I doubt you’ll see me back, sweet Barbie doll! Sorry to get smart.
A dream wasn’t so much shattered by realizing that artistic yoga won’t be the way for me to go. Instead I now realize even more what yoga means to me, and it’s not as a substitute for training at the gym. Definitely not. I probably discovered that I’m more passionate about it than I thought I was and I know that I’d love to be a teacher. But not in that environment. No way. I want to learn so much about the yoga, but through people who appreciate ALL it has to offer. And I want to meet those people. I want to then bring this to others, who aren’t in agony because the class is so intense and who aren’t hating every minute because they’re pushing their boundaries constantly and blaming the teacher (which would be me) for their pain. This is not what I want. I’m now so keen, more than before, but it just isn’t my time to be taking this direction of teaching.
A lot of issues came up over the past few days. All of my “demons”, they all came to the surface and I questioned nearly everything I felt to be true. But I don’t need to really, as I can trust myself even more so than before; within 4 hours of being there I knew something wasn’t wrong!! How cool is that! I didn’t need to put myself through 2 whole weeks of facing dilemma’s and queries and making the process even more painful. I’m free again, and that’s a big relief. I can go and be and do anything I like. I’m apart of the real world once again.
This whole episode feels to have lasted a lot longer than only 3 days. I thought I’d feel like a failure for having taken the decision to go in the first place and then to leave that scene so suddenly. But I don’t. I don’t care. All I care is about my own health, and there in that situation, something went very wrong, in regards to mine. Now it’s time for me to deal with it along with getting the next thing set into place, so I can keep my India real. My head has been all over the place, my body is weak and tired and my focus has temporarily gone. I’m trying so hard to get everything out of me, and I sometimes wonder if I’m not trying too much. India isn’t easy, at the best of times. Especially when I put so much pressure on myself to make things work in the right way. It doesn’t help that it’s more than just one thing I’m trying to materialize either. I’m challenging myself, and this is what I wanted. But it’s only temporarily. Things are slowly coming good again. All I want now, is a nice conversation with somebody, anybody. I haven’t had a flowing conversation with anybody since Monday. It’s now Saturday. I wonder who the next person will be. I’m looking forward to it. How nice it will be.
For now, enough about this week. How I got on once I left the yoga house, is still unfolding. Catch you soon!
Yoga talk - 2
I couldn’t chat to anybody, no matter how much effort I put into getting someone to open up to me. I would look in the mirror and as the hours passed on day 1 (Wednesday), the colour was draining from my face. I was pale, tired and unhappy. I couldn’t smile, I had a constant frown, hardly recognized myself anymore and I worried constantly about how I was going to get myself out of this situation. I really started to exaggerate my feelings in my mind: life suddenly had lost all of its magic. Please, give me nothing, only myself and I’d be happier. I was then starting to fear reading books, or going for a nap, because that would mean I’d have escaped to a much nicer world and then would have to re-enter this world, of which I really didn’t want to be apart of. So, all I did, was write and write and write in my journal. I didn’t speak properly with anybody. In total, I went to 5 classes at the studio, and felt sick in my chest, my back, my head constantly, as soon as I’d come out of an amazing yoga pose. After class I’d count down the hours till we were being collected to go back to the house, where I knew I had an amazing meal waiting for me. This was all that was going on by Wednesday evening (I hadn’t even been there 2 days!). All I enjoyed was eating and sleeping! And the only people I felt drawn to and wanted to make a conversation with, were the2 maids. Such genuine and friendly girls, who couldn’t speak English but were so sweet.
I went to bed on Wednesday night and knew I had to act. Niamh, do something to change this. It’s pointless being here. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. I was wanting, initially, to wait a week or 2 and give it a proper go. But I was concerned that I’d easily get accustomed to their way of being, and I’d forget all that I value, by being in an environment like this one. Also, the longer it takes me for me to act, the harder it gets to break free and that I’d end up feeling I owed them my time and would need to work for them to repay them for the training (and the amazing food!). So my instinct was telling me to do it soon. And, as always, when I act, things happen so fast. And they did. I woke up on Thursday morning. I had to take the 7am class. So I went. By this stage my body was giving in. It really was struggling so much. There was so much going on physically and emotionally. I don’t know if it was a combination of the training and the situation I was that made me feel so low. But my energy was gone. I looked in the mirror again after the class and I was the colour of milk. I recognized myself even less than the day previous and I looked ill. I looked like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and would have happily collapsed.
What was my plan of action going to be? I was in Hyderabad. What did I want to do? Where did I want to go? I explored every option, on Thursday morning after class. I thought about going to another country, I thought about going back to Chennai, I thought about just travelling and giving myself a break from trying to get some sort of settled lifestyle in India.. Because it just didn’t seem to be working. I considered going back home and looking for English teaching somewhere else. I felt I had reached breaking point on Thursday. I wanted to confide in someone. I needed to speak and to vent all my emotions to a pair of ears, instead of the pages in my precious journal. But there was nobody. So I knew I had to do this by myself. I had gotten myself into this “pickle” and now it was up to me, without any advice or with as little help from others as possible, to get myself out of it. I didn’t want to leave India. Not yet. I needed to give it some more effort. I had resources and I’d make a change for the better! I was going to use all I had gotten to know, so far, since first arriving here 10 weeks ago. And I did.
I went to bed on Wednesday night and knew I had to act. Niamh, do something to change this. It’s pointless being here. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. I was wanting, initially, to wait a week or 2 and give it a proper go. But I was concerned that I’d easily get accustomed to their way of being, and I’d forget all that I value, by being in an environment like this one. Also, the longer it takes me for me to act, the harder it gets to break free and that I’d end up feeling I owed them my time and would need to work for them to repay them for the training (and the amazing food!). So my instinct was telling me to do it soon. And, as always, when I act, things happen so fast. And they did. I woke up on Thursday morning. I had to take the 7am class. So I went. By this stage my body was giving in. It really was struggling so much. There was so much going on physically and emotionally. I don’t know if it was a combination of the training and the situation I was that made me feel so low. But my energy was gone. I looked in the mirror again after the class and I was the colour of milk. I recognized myself even less than the day previous and I looked ill. I looked like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and would have happily collapsed.
What was my plan of action going to be? I was in Hyderabad. What did I want to do? Where did I want to go? I explored every option, on Thursday morning after class. I thought about going to another country, I thought about going back to Chennai, I thought about just travelling and giving myself a break from trying to get some sort of settled lifestyle in India.. Because it just didn’t seem to be working. I considered going back home and looking for English teaching somewhere else. I felt I had reached breaking point on Thursday. I wanted to confide in someone. I needed to speak and to vent all my emotions to a pair of ears, instead of the pages in my precious journal. But there was nobody. So I knew I had to do this by myself. I had gotten myself into this “pickle” and now it was up to me, without any advice or with as little help from others as possible, to get myself out of it. I didn’t want to leave India. Not yet. I needed to give it some more effort. I had resources and I’d make a change for the better! I was going to use all I had gotten to know, so far, since first arriving here 10 weeks ago. And I did.
Yoga talk - 1
I cannot suddenly feel like a fool. Things went sour. Only 6 days have passed since leaving Chennai and I’ve been through the “wringer”. Everything seems so surreal when I look back on it now. The whole week. It all happened, I’ve changed a little bit and realized so much.
I got to the “yoga house” on Tuesday morning. I felt amazing. I settled in, got the feel for the place and I was excited. In the afternoon though, things took a drastic change. Before meeting the people, everything was amazing. But then, one by one, I started to meet the yoga teachers, and something wasn’t quite right. Something was out of place. From all the 10 teachers in the house I got a bad vibe, including from Nandan, who I‘d already met the previous week and who was eager to give me chance to “fulfill my dream”. Suddenly he wasn‘t how I remembered him to be. It escalated throughout the rest of the day. By the time I was going to take my first class that same afternoon (just as a “participant” to begin with) I knew this may not be what I’d hoped.
I took the class and felt fantastic for the first part. The style is called artistic yoga. It’s different from the slow-paced yoga. This type is intense and has a lot of “cardio” training combined with traditional hatha yoga. I took to it well. But I had to push myself so much, when it came to the cardio aspect, to the point where I nearly was sick, wanted to faint and the emptiness I felt coming from my back seeping through my entire body, was unreal. I then felt emotional, depressed, out of place, alien. I wanted to run and hide!! It was the strangest surroundings and the teachers were rejecting me. I felt like I was back in high school; needing to act in a certain way, just to be accepted! What’s with these people!!!
After getting over the shock of all these feelings this situation was revealing to me, I went to bed and actually felt lonely. Hang on, I’m never lonely!! Even when I’d sit by myself in a hostel room and wouldn’t speak with anybody for days; I never feel LONELY! There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I love being alone and it’s something I’d rather be than be with these people. I was delighted to sleep. I was able to close my eyes and get away from this strange world I had so eagerly ran towards and wanted to embrace. Going to sleep I tried to calm myself, because of course the panic would arise, in thinking what I may have given-up or may have gotten myself into. I told myself I was over-tired and tomorrow, my first full day, all would be better (this was still only Tuesday night by the way; I hadn’t even been there a full day at this stage!).
I woke up the next morning and I didn’t want to be apart of this world. I was miserable. I felt I had woken up and was living a nightmare!! It was so intense, the way I was rejecting this whole environment. I went to class, I gave my all, I felt brilliant throughout the yoga but afterwards, again, I was empty, in every sense of the word.
I was wondering what was so “wrong” about this whole situation. Wasn’t this my dream? Yes, it was! Wasn’t this what I had longed for? Yes it was! So why was I miserable? I figured it out pretty soon. I wrote away my days, to clarity and for strength, in between going to the yoga studio and feeling awful. I discovered that it’s the people and their approach towards the yoga. The classes they give, are focused on losing weight, coaching, pushing physical boundaries and keeping fit. The teachers have given themselves the label of being a yoga teacher and therefore, it’s obvious they feel superior to others. They aren’t though, they are just fitness instructors; all gorgeous, toned, fit, all with big “ego’s” and aren’t the least bit interested in anybody else, other than themselves. They class themselves to be of a higher “something”, and to have this amazing lifestyle and to always feel and spread the happiness they gain from being the yoga teacher. This is so far from the truth! Just like they claim to all live “happily” together as 1 big family in the yoga house – again something that couldn’t be further from the truth! I’ve felt more love being spread between strangers on bus-journeys than I felt in that house.
I was starting to loose sight of everything I felt yoga stands for. To me, of course it’s for flexibility and physical health, but it’s also to lead to mental and emotional health and a balance in life, from which a person can benefit from, in everything they do. If yoga is your life (which is what I wanted it be to be for me) then the sensations and energy it releases is reflected in everything you do. But I was getting absolutely nothing of this vibe. It was quite the opposite. These teachers like to THINK their lives are driven by yoga but it’s driven more by a cooperative mind which is focused on money, image and possessions. They also have no freedom to do as they please in life, when it comes to socializing, relationships or just generally being apart of this world. This is the commitment they must make.
Suffocate me now!!! I felt to be imprisoned and controlled. As well I felt I was losing contact with the world. I looked ahead at how it could be for me, if I were to continue this training. I’d end up with no freedom, no travels, no connection with other people or with this country. It was already happening: for the entire time I had actually forgotten I was in this amazing country. I could have been anywhere in the world. This was not what I wanted!
I’ll just give you a break.. the analyzing continues..
I got to the “yoga house” on Tuesday morning. I felt amazing. I settled in, got the feel for the place and I was excited. In the afternoon though, things took a drastic change. Before meeting the people, everything was amazing. But then, one by one, I started to meet the yoga teachers, and something wasn’t quite right. Something was out of place. From all the 10 teachers in the house I got a bad vibe, including from Nandan, who I‘d already met the previous week and who was eager to give me chance to “fulfill my dream”. Suddenly he wasn‘t how I remembered him to be. It escalated throughout the rest of the day. By the time I was going to take my first class that same afternoon (just as a “participant” to begin with) I knew this may not be what I’d hoped.
I took the class and felt fantastic for the first part. The style is called artistic yoga. It’s different from the slow-paced yoga. This type is intense and has a lot of “cardio” training combined with traditional hatha yoga. I took to it well. But I had to push myself so much, when it came to the cardio aspect, to the point where I nearly was sick, wanted to faint and the emptiness I felt coming from my back seeping through my entire body, was unreal. I then felt emotional, depressed, out of place, alien. I wanted to run and hide!! It was the strangest surroundings and the teachers were rejecting me. I felt like I was back in high school; needing to act in a certain way, just to be accepted! What’s with these people!!!
After getting over the shock of all these feelings this situation was revealing to me, I went to bed and actually felt lonely. Hang on, I’m never lonely!! Even when I’d sit by myself in a hostel room and wouldn’t speak with anybody for days; I never feel LONELY! There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I love being alone and it’s something I’d rather be than be with these people. I was delighted to sleep. I was able to close my eyes and get away from this strange world I had so eagerly ran towards and wanted to embrace. Going to sleep I tried to calm myself, because of course the panic would arise, in thinking what I may have given-up or may have gotten myself into. I told myself I was over-tired and tomorrow, my first full day, all would be better (this was still only Tuesday night by the way; I hadn’t even been there a full day at this stage!).
I woke up the next morning and I didn’t want to be apart of this world. I was miserable. I felt I had woken up and was living a nightmare!! It was so intense, the way I was rejecting this whole environment. I went to class, I gave my all, I felt brilliant throughout the yoga but afterwards, again, I was empty, in every sense of the word.
I was wondering what was so “wrong” about this whole situation. Wasn’t this my dream? Yes, it was! Wasn’t this what I had longed for? Yes it was! So why was I miserable? I figured it out pretty soon. I wrote away my days, to clarity and for strength, in between going to the yoga studio and feeling awful. I discovered that it’s the people and their approach towards the yoga. The classes they give, are focused on losing weight, coaching, pushing physical boundaries and keeping fit. The teachers have given themselves the label of being a yoga teacher and therefore, it’s obvious they feel superior to others. They aren’t though, they are just fitness instructors; all gorgeous, toned, fit, all with big “ego’s” and aren’t the least bit interested in anybody else, other than themselves. They class themselves to be of a higher “something”, and to have this amazing lifestyle and to always feel and spread the happiness they gain from being the yoga teacher. This is so far from the truth! Just like they claim to all live “happily” together as 1 big family in the yoga house – again something that couldn’t be further from the truth! I’ve felt more love being spread between strangers on bus-journeys than I felt in that house.
I was starting to loose sight of everything I felt yoga stands for. To me, of course it’s for flexibility and physical health, but it’s also to lead to mental and emotional health and a balance in life, from which a person can benefit from, in everything they do. If yoga is your life (which is what I wanted it be to be for me) then the sensations and energy it releases is reflected in everything you do. But I was getting absolutely nothing of this vibe. It was quite the opposite. These teachers like to THINK their lives are driven by yoga but it’s driven more by a cooperative mind which is focused on money, image and possessions. They also have no freedom to do as they please in life, when it comes to socializing, relationships or just generally being apart of this world. This is the commitment they must make.
Suffocate me now!!! I felt to be imprisoned and controlled. As well I felt I was losing contact with the world. I looked ahead at how it could be for me, if I were to continue this training. I’d end up with no freedom, no travels, no connection with other people or with this country. It was already happening: for the entire time I had actually forgotten I was in this amazing country. I could have been anywhere in the world. This was not what I wanted!
I’ll just give you a break.. the analyzing continues..
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Chennai - Hyderabad 06-04
The journey from Chennai to Hyderabad was probably the best I’ve had so far.
It was a 13 hour train ride, I left the station at 04.45pm and arrived at 06.30am this morning. I was so happy yesterday and I sat with an inner smile the whole way. I wasn’t counting down the hours till arriving. I was reading a book most of the way, had some yummy dinner, watched the sunset and felt such a relief to be out of the bustling city - the fact that I was on my way to another city, didn’t really come to mind. I then thought this country to be even more beautiful than I already felt it to be. Even I was witnessing the country life. The harshness of it rushed past the windows. There were people living in slums, living in shacks, living in sheds and working till sundown in the 40degree heat. I’ve seen worse “homes” in the city, where 1000s don’t even have a roof to call home, instead it’s piece of pavement just to “store” their possessions and to lay their frails bodies to rest preferably 24hours a day as they don‘t have the energy or nutrition to be able to do anything else. But to see it outside the city was different somehow. It probably just made me realize that the poverty really is everywhere and that living in slums, be it in the city or the country, can make even some people out as being the “lucky ones”. Country poverty could seem like a richness to the city poverty. What a contrast.
This was rushing past the window and still I was smiling. Regardless of these cords being struck within me, India is still beautiful and inspiring. Be it because of the gorgeous mountains I could see with the orange sky in the background, or the people of this land who were working so hard and for whom I have utmost respect due to their strength and ability to be happy, by just merely surviving. Both reasons filled me with awe.
I was in and out of my book, which is the “biography of a yogi” (how very appropriate for me be reading this..!!), which is set in India. I felt so lucky to be reading it and to be in the very same country as to where the author had his roots. The man sitting across from me didn’t even make me feel paranoid, uneasy or annoyed by the stares he gave me for 4 hours straight. Every move I made, he gave me a dirty look. Every mouthful of water, caught his attention. Every page I turned, he gave me the evil eye. I gave him some in return and to “apologize” for my lack of self-restraint I then was happy to give him my lower-bed and I took his upper-bed (because he had a knee problem, for what I could make out). Actually I just told a little white lie. Because his stares did occasionally annoy me and my sense of “not caring what others do, say, think around me” was being put to the test. But I think I coped well. I know many others who would have been inclined to ask him “what’s your problem, DUDE?”..in the most sarcastic or obnoxious way possible. I was tempted, but chose to let it pass me by.
I had the best sleep ever. It was so soothing to listen to the engine, to the tracks, to the wind. I was sleeping and journeying. I was moving to another place, not only in space and time, but also I was moving in my general direction in life. I felt so calm, so happy and didn’t want the train journey to end. And suddenly it did. I arrived at Hyderabad and felt pretty fresh. The driver was there waiting for me. He brought me to the house where the yoga teachers live, it‘s where I‘ll also be staying for 2 weeks or so. I got the first impressions of the city and it’s only natural that I’ll compare it to Chennai.. Hyderabad is smaller, it’s cleaner, it’s greener and the pace of life seems slower. It’s got a really nice feel to it. Maybe it was just the hour of the morning that made the city seem to be of this kind. The driver (sounds so snobbish almost, talking about “the driver”. But I don’t know what other name to give him..) is from the city so of course he was going to talk about this place being a beautiful one. Either way, it doesn’t matter. First impressions were very good!!
I’m in the house now, I have my own space again. It’s really nice. There’s around 10 others staying here too. It feels pretty peaceful. I’ve met a few others and they are all lovely. This evening I’ll be starting the training. Can’t quite believe it. I don’t know how this is going to go. I’m not going to stress it too much. I’ll see what happens, I’ll go with the flow and I’ll be sure to let you know!
It was a 13 hour train ride, I left the station at 04.45pm and arrived at 06.30am this morning. I was so happy yesterday and I sat with an inner smile the whole way. I wasn’t counting down the hours till arriving. I was reading a book most of the way, had some yummy dinner, watched the sunset and felt such a relief to be out of the bustling city - the fact that I was on my way to another city, didn’t really come to mind. I then thought this country to be even more beautiful than I already felt it to be. Even I was witnessing the country life. The harshness of it rushed past the windows. There were people living in slums, living in shacks, living in sheds and working till sundown in the 40degree heat. I’ve seen worse “homes” in the city, where 1000s don’t even have a roof to call home, instead it’s piece of pavement just to “store” their possessions and to lay their frails bodies to rest preferably 24hours a day as they don‘t have the energy or nutrition to be able to do anything else. But to see it outside the city was different somehow. It probably just made me realize that the poverty really is everywhere and that living in slums, be it in the city or the country, can make even some people out as being the “lucky ones”. Country poverty could seem like a richness to the city poverty. What a contrast.
This was rushing past the window and still I was smiling. Regardless of these cords being struck within me, India is still beautiful and inspiring. Be it because of the gorgeous mountains I could see with the orange sky in the background, or the people of this land who were working so hard and for whom I have utmost respect due to their strength and ability to be happy, by just merely surviving. Both reasons filled me with awe.
I was in and out of my book, which is the “biography of a yogi” (how very appropriate for me be reading this..!!), which is set in India. I felt so lucky to be reading it and to be in the very same country as to where the author had his roots. The man sitting across from me didn’t even make me feel paranoid, uneasy or annoyed by the stares he gave me for 4 hours straight. Every move I made, he gave me a dirty look. Every mouthful of water, caught his attention. Every page I turned, he gave me the evil eye. I gave him some in return and to “apologize” for my lack of self-restraint I then was happy to give him my lower-bed and I took his upper-bed (because he had a knee problem, for what I could make out). Actually I just told a little white lie. Because his stares did occasionally annoy me and my sense of “not caring what others do, say, think around me” was being put to the test. But I think I coped well. I know many others who would have been inclined to ask him “what’s your problem, DUDE?”..in the most sarcastic or obnoxious way possible. I was tempted, but chose to let it pass me by.
I had the best sleep ever. It was so soothing to listen to the engine, to the tracks, to the wind. I was sleeping and journeying. I was moving to another place, not only in space and time, but also I was moving in my general direction in life. I felt so calm, so happy and didn’t want the train journey to end. And suddenly it did. I arrived at Hyderabad and felt pretty fresh. The driver was there waiting for me. He brought me to the house where the yoga teachers live, it‘s where I‘ll also be staying for 2 weeks or so. I got the first impressions of the city and it’s only natural that I’ll compare it to Chennai.. Hyderabad is smaller, it’s cleaner, it’s greener and the pace of life seems slower. It’s got a really nice feel to it. Maybe it was just the hour of the morning that made the city seem to be of this kind. The driver (sounds so snobbish almost, talking about “the driver”. But I don’t know what other name to give him..) is from the city so of course he was going to talk about this place being a beautiful one. Either way, it doesn’t matter. First impressions were very good!!
I’m in the house now, I have my own space again. It’s really nice. There’s around 10 others staying here too. It feels pretty peaceful. I’ve met a few others and they are all lovely. This evening I’ll be starting the training. Can’t quite believe it. I don’t know how this is going to go. I’m not going to stress it too much. I’ll see what happens, I’ll go with the flow and I’ll be sure to let you know!
The rashness of it all..
20 hours after leaving Chennai. I didn’t really get the chance to properly say “goodbye”. Well, I did, but now that I’m gone it feels almost like I left too suddenly. Yes, it all happened fast: the yoga position being offered to me, the decision to take it and the choice to get it started right away. But did I leave too soon? Many would think I did. Especially people at home. My mam for instance, who I rang yesterday afternoon (Monday), half an hour before I was due to leave the beautiful home I was staying at for the past 5 weeks. Of course it sounded rash and like a drastic change in direction. Because nobody knew that this yoga position was what I was wanting all along. It seems to have come out of the blue I suppose. And in many ways it did to me too, as I hadn’t expected this chance.
Yesterday, ringing home, I had to tell Mam “in person” (by phone is as “in person” as it gets whilst being away from home). It felt to be such a big step I was taking and I didn’t want her to read it on my blog. Shock of the sudden change but encouragement to take this opportunity, were her reactions. She was nervous for me as I told her I was leaving in half an hour. Was I nervous? No. Was I excited? yes. But what else was I? Sad to leave Chennai? I’m not too sure. I didn’t feel that I was leaving, for some strange reason. I didn’t feel to be too reflective - which was very surprising to me, seeing as though it’s usually what I am when I close one chapter to start another.
I said goodbye to Jayanthi and her parents at the house. It was me, once again, out on my own. I felt so free, I felt so secure. But of course it did feel strange to leave a place I had gotten so comfortable. I knew I was going to miss certain things; the easiness of being there, the talks, the room upstairs with the rooftop, the walks on the beach each morning, the city-outings.. Of course I’d miss it all. But as they say, there’s a time for coming and a time for leaving. My time for leaving happened so rashly, it almost passed me by!! That’s the reason why I can question it. But I didn’t feel bad. It felt good for it to be just me again.
I wondered though, had I done wrong by Jayanthi and her family by coming into their lives, letting them get used to me being there and giving them the “burden” of my unknown plans regarding my travels, my life and my situation, to then suddenly pack my bags and leave? Was this unfair of me? Should I not have burdened them at all? Would I ever be able to repay them for all the help they gave me? Had I just taken all I could and not given anything in return? And by my leaving so suddenly, was I taking even more from them than I already had taken, throughout my stay with them? Should I now feel bad, for letting myself get into that situation in the first place? But if so, then a person, or I, would never be able to get close to anybody whilst travelling, for fear of taking too much throughout the time we spend together and then only making their lives more complicated by their need to adjust to my being there and then to my not being there, once again.
This is a topic or an issue even, that has gone through my mind a few times. And I had already made peace with what they had assured me of: you weren’t in the way, you weren’t any trouble to have and everyone enjoyed you being here. So all parties involved were happy and benefiting in some way or another.
So what more can I say on the subject? I can’t feel bad. I travel, I move, I sometimes stick too long and suddenly things happen and I rashly move. This has happened many times before. I never want to hurt anybody in the process though. Sometimes it can happen and I can seen as the “bad-guy”. But if someone knows me, and knows what makes me tick and how I’ve moved myself through my life over the years, then they know how I “operate” and so with that awareness shouldn’t they not blame me for having the sudden urge to leave? I’m actually referring to other situations that I’ve found myself in over the years and so it’s not regarding the Chennai situation. I can let it rest, because I know that I haven’t hurt anybody and so there is no blame and I am free and know this is what I do..
Yesterday, ringing home, I had to tell Mam “in person” (by phone is as “in person” as it gets whilst being away from home). It felt to be such a big step I was taking and I didn’t want her to read it on my blog. Shock of the sudden change but encouragement to take this opportunity, were her reactions. She was nervous for me as I told her I was leaving in half an hour. Was I nervous? No. Was I excited? yes. But what else was I? Sad to leave Chennai? I’m not too sure. I didn’t feel that I was leaving, for some strange reason. I didn’t feel to be too reflective - which was very surprising to me, seeing as though it’s usually what I am when I close one chapter to start another.
I said goodbye to Jayanthi and her parents at the house. It was me, once again, out on my own. I felt so free, I felt so secure. But of course it did feel strange to leave a place I had gotten so comfortable. I knew I was going to miss certain things; the easiness of being there, the talks, the room upstairs with the rooftop, the walks on the beach each morning, the city-outings.. Of course I’d miss it all. But as they say, there’s a time for coming and a time for leaving. My time for leaving happened so rashly, it almost passed me by!! That’s the reason why I can question it. But I didn’t feel bad. It felt good for it to be just me again.
I wondered though, had I done wrong by Jayanthi and her family by coming into their lives, letting them get used to me being there and giving them the “burden” of my unknown plans regarding my travels, my life and my situation, to then suddenly pack my bags and leave? Was this unfair of me? Should I not have burdened them at all? Would I ever be able to repay them for all the help they gave me? Had I just taken all I could and not given anything in return? And by my leaving so suddenly, was I taking even more from them than I already had taken, throughout my stay with them? Should I now feel bad, for letting myself get into that situation in the first place? But if so, then a person, or I, would never be able to get close to anybody whilst travelling, for fear of taking too much throughout the time we spend together and then only making their lives more complicated by their need to adjust to my being there and then to my not being there, once again.
This is a topic or an issue even, that has gone through my mind a few times. And I had already made peace with what they had assured me of: you weren’t in the way, you weren’t any trouble to have and everyone enjoyed you being here. So all parties involved were happy and benefiting in some way or another.
So what more can I say on the subject? I can’t feel bad. I travel, I move, I sometimes stick too long and suddenly things happen and I rashly move. This has happened many times before. I never want to hurt anybody in the process though. Sometimes it can happen and I can seen as the “bad-guy”. But if someone knows me, and knows what makes me tick and how I’ve moved myself through my life over the years, then they know how I “operate” and so with that awareness shouldn’t they not blame me for having the sudden urge to leave? I’m actually referring to other situations that I’ve found myself in over the years and so it’s not regarding the Chennai situation. I can let it rest, because I know that I haven’t hurt anybody and so there is no blame and I am free and know this is what I do..
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