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Monday, April 12, 2010

Is this the middle of my India?

It’s now Monday morning. Tomorrow I’m leaving Fort Cochin and going into the city again. I’m meeting the man who is organizing my job-placement. He’ll also arrange accommodation for me, from tomorrow onwards. That takes away a lot of the hassle because things will happen for me. For a few days, I won’t need to do much!

With the next step, I can sometimes be wary of putting too much hope into this job-placement. I’m even having doubts whether it will happen or not. I’m supposed to be starting the teaching position on Friday. But I’m not “holding my breath”. I’ll believe it only once I’ve met this man, who goes by the name of Suresh. I’ve met him before, he’s an elderly man, around 70 and the executive of a foundation called: The Art of Living. This foundation has many schools around Kerala, so he’s well-established and I trust him. I’m not going to worry about this being the right or wrong thing. I don’t want to have any expectations. All I know is that, when I was at the yoga classes, observing the trainers giving their classes, I wanted to be in classroom with kids. That’s all I could see myself doing. But, then again, I’ve had these strong feelings before, in regards to doing other things in life, and once they’ve materialized they’ve brought me other experiences than the visions I’d first been faced with. So I shouldn’t say too much I guess.

All I can say is that I know that I have to keep trying these things, and not get too involved in where they will lead or what they will reveal to me, not until the time comes. Just like the yoga story: I never expected it to go like this, and would never have wanted to come back to Kerala, had I not been in Hyderabad. 2 weeks ago Kerala felt like a step backwards. But 2 days ago, and today still, it feels like a step forward. So it’s good now, because the yoga story led me back here and forced me to take a job. Mainly because the desperation that suddenly hit in and the need that got overwhelming for me to have had at least one experience that would serve me in long run, before my time in India ends.

Will it be ending? I’m not sure. I’ve seriously considered “quitting while I’m ahead”. But as soon as that thought comes to mind, it also goes. I’ve been here 2.5 months now and it feels to be so much longer. Every stage has been amazing, because I've been living in the moment. It's the best place to be in life! Now I feel like I’m right in the middle of this chapter and I can’t help but think ahead to plan how long I can stay, or where to head to afterwards. It’s almost like I had to be faced with all that the past week has thrown at me, or all that I’ve welcomed into my life, to get me into a reflective mood and realize that I can’t continuously live in the moment. Even though I don’t want to think about the visa ending and I don’t want to plan everything so “far in advance”. But I have no choice if I want to keep on traveling. In regards to finances and jobs, I simply must. I need to stay independent and gain experience.

I’m not great with planning. I feel a sense of panic and pressure and spasms in my chest; I reject them, for some reason. So I’ve always made rash decisions and I would go with the flow. Now I’m simply facing the reality of life: plans DO need to be made in advance for things to keep going in the direction I so strongly feel I must be heading towards. That’s what it’s comes down to. My visa runs out in July, ouch that hurts so much, to know this! It's a long way off, but time flies. Setting plans into place, which are irreversible: Will that take away the magic of life? Will that mean the end of inspiration? Or am I, once again, being a drama-queen? Should I just “get-real” and keep my 2 feet on the ground? At times I must, but overall, I really don’t feel the need. For now, the next week is “planned”. I’ll say no more for now..

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