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Sunday, January 31, 2010

A Subconscious Goodbye

Today, still Friday, I could see it all so clearly. As I tried to remain stress-free and push all the bad thoughts, of things that could go wrong, to the back of my mind and so to be able to deal with whatever was to come my way in a calm and confident manner, I was able to see how the different parts of this chapter had gelled together so perfectly, to create all that I’m able to be doing at this moment in time. All it gave me has been, and still is, supporting what I’m aiming for. I’ve come full-circle, unintentionally. I started in Caboolture, I’m ending in Caboolture. Everything almost too perfect for words. This amazing Australia. I was here today, but I’d be gone tomorrow.

Hang on a minute! That doesn’t make sense what I just said: I WAS here TODAY? Doesn’t that mean, as I sit here in Oz and write this, that I’m already living in my future? I just used the past tense of the verb “to be” to describe what I’m doing right now! That’s not really living in the moment, is it Niamh? No, it’s not. But it confirms so strongly what I just stated: I feel like I’ve already said goodbye. There it is. I have. My mind has already left.. Today I was here in body, but not in mind. And my spirit? This was somewhere in between my body and mind. At certain moments in my body, as I perceived the world and my surroundings and at other moments in mind, as I prepared myself mentally for the new chapter that’s about to start. And that’s why I felt so strange.. all day long!! Yes! That’s it!

So I felt like I wasn’t totally a part of this world anymore, this Australian world. Everything was happening around me and I had to instruct myself almost to keep my brain in action, just to get myself from A to B - which could have given home the impression that I was feeling low or doubtful when I rang them on the phone! But I wasn’t able to engage too much in anything. I just stood back and observed the world that I would so soon be leaving behind. It was almost a video clip. And I was making the movie. All day long, I was the outsider looking in. And so many little things I was seeing. Things that usually wouldn’t be seen, because they would be so normal. Today, they weren’t normal anymore.

This is the movie being replayed: I sat in the doctors waiting room to pick up a prescription. A woman walked past with an envelope in her hand, that had massive letters on it saying: “State of Queensland”. Then, as I sat on the train I was seeing the school kids everywhere. Little Australian children, all in those typical Ozzie uniforms with those cute little hats and with that gorgeous accent that sounds 10 times nicer when coming from a child. As I later walked around Brisbane there were young Australian teenage girls everywhere, all so beautiful, all so similar, all so ”typical” Australian. The chain stores or shops that are only known to Ozzie land , were suddenly everywhere, like “The Cheesecake Shop”. Also the houses were drawing my attention; those houses I love so much: Australian bungalow type houses or “little house on the prairie” type houses . It was like I was seeing everything for the first time again. Was it a new appreciation because I was leaving? Or was it me trying to savour everything that Australia is? Was I comparing it to European countries, just so I would be aware of where I was, as my days or even my hours here were numbered? Why was this happening? It was most probably was a combination of all these questions.
Follow-up to come..

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