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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

This really is the last one - At Confest

The festival continued, and one day rolled into the next. I felt like I had found a new home. I had found my people. I had found a lifestyle I wanted. I had found people who could teach me the things I wanted my life to revolve around. There were people who were so worldly, yet so content with the bare essentials in life. They knew the difference between the materialistic world and the world were primitive life offers so much peace, harmony and bliss. They had experienced, learnt and seen so much to know that the basics is all we need in life and true souls are what give us that feeling of being so happy, just by being alive. It was truly amazing to feel this.

I came across some of the most beautiful people, who I connected with instantly. People I had never seen before, but felt drawn to. I met people who saw me for who I am. Strangers who would give me a hug and tell me I’m beautiful. Strangers who would give me one look, one proper look, deep into my eyes and see what I had been connecting with throughout the past year. My spirit, my soul. They could see it. I was so sure.

Every morning I would wake up in the van, jump out of bed, and go to meditation classes and then to yoga. Then I would walk around the grounds (which would take easily a few hours) with my writing book under my arm, taking in the peace. I would sit for hours and write whatever it was I was wanting to write about. Or, more to the point, about what I was dealing with at that moment, and thus what I was dealing with throughout the entire festival: the big “mystery” regarding my next move in this wonderful life. I was dealing a change of heart, when it came to being with Jason. I was dealing with what I was faced with each day at Confest - which was the beautiful inspiration to evolve so much more than I already was and to start touching the lives of people who need it, by just being in-tune and connected. I was learning so much and the inspiration I got from the people I was meeting, was overwhelming. I was almost bursting at the seams, just from being alive.. Wouw! All the while, dealing with breaking away from the chapter of my travels I spent with Jason, ever so slowly and ever so gently. So some heartbreak along side an enormous amount of joy. Such a contrast, such a difference. But Confest really was the best place for Jason and I to deal with what was going on. As I had so much strength and was so connected to what it was I was wanting from life and I was able to stay in my own truth. This is what I needed.

It was a week with many different emotions. I was trying to focus on so many different things and trying to cope with the paradox within myself. I had hours each day, where I wanted this life to be mine. I felt like I needed to learn more and this place was bringing that eagerness to evolve to the surface. So much so, that I also realized my eagerness to evolve was being either put on pause or prolonged because of me wanting and “needing” to do the right thing by the people close to me. Throughout the week, I realized I had forgotten so many things, in the haste of life or maybe in the confusion of trying to be happy being in the position I had put myself in over the past months. So many things I knew all along and had worked so hard on learning and developing since before coming to Oz, I had pushed to one side. But Confest made me see them all once more. It probably wasn’t here at Confest where they first started to reappear, but on my trip in Asia too. It just became all the more apparent in this environment as well as through the people I was meeting. I couldn’t and, more importantly, I didn’t want to ignore them any longer. I knew that I didn’t want to put those special things to one side anymore.

No matter how busy life were to get or how many worries I could bring on myself, throughout my week at Confest it became so clear that I needed to be, I almost daren’t say it, selfish. There’s a time for giving all that you can in life, in order to do right by others. There’s a time to show appreciation and to show gratitude. But if showing this appreciation and gratitude means that you forget all that want from life and all that you know in your heart to be true, then won’t there come a point when you say: I can only go so far, this is it, this is me, this is all I have to give. Doesn’t there come a point when you say: here is where I have to stop giving because I’m taking too much from myself by trying to do the right thing in other peoples eyes whilst being aware you’re doing so wrong in your own eyes. To be selfless and therefore to give to others, a person also needs to be selfish. How can you give to others wholeheartedly when you haven’t been giving to yourself, wholeheartedly?

This was probably my main issue, my main lesson. I was confronted with all that I knew. So I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t scared. I was relieved. I was free. I was bursting with love for life. I had energy. I had given myself the confirmation I needed. So I knew what I had to do. I was so strong, because I had witnessed it all, everything on the inside, as I was sat with a guy called Sam who showed me or simply confirmed what I already believed to be true. I have it all within me. I’m the only one who can do something with it, so it’s also up to me to take action and to make things happen, with confidence and self esteem.
This lesson started on the 1st of Jan 2010. What a revelation and what an amazing gift..
How blessed I felt..

I know this reflection has run somewhat deeper than I expected. But I can’t really apologize for that. I needed to share it. And Confest so much more than a hippy festival where people love to take their clothes off and jump in the mud. It’s an environment where people, if they are open and willing to learn, are confronted with the core. It can be life changing, or in my case, it can be the confirmation that’s needed in order pursue the dreams that can be made reality.

I’m so so grateful for having gone to this festival. It was emotional, it was eye-opening, it was painful at times, when dealing with reality, but it was so amazingly beautiful all the same. Really it was. I’ll never forget it and who knows one day I’ll go back or I’ll my paths with cross with some of the special people I met there. But either way, it’s filled me up and, as I’m trying to contain my excitement as I type these last few words - so I‘ll put it very subtly, I’m ready to share all that I have seen. You can take that whatever way you please J..

Love you all lots, Thank you for reading and just simply for being you xxx

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