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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My perspective

To follow up on the last post.. This goes more deeply.. Maybe explains things a little too much. Feel free to skip..

Speaking from the outsider who’s looking in: Isn’t it so easy to stay in a situation and ignore what you know in your heart to be true, just for fear of what the majority of people, or one person in particular, might think of you? Their opinion could change as you take certain actions, all because they are in disagreement. So the routine continues and sometimes that long, drawn out, expressionless face is staring back at you, on too much of a regular basis, as you look in the mirror. But you don‘t know why. You ask yourself: is it work? Is it lack of space? Is it lack of energy? You have no clue, so you carry on. And the reason why you don’t have a clue, is because you don’t take the time to sit and ask yourself these questions. Why don’t you ask? For fear of what you’ll see as, deep down, you already know the answer. It’s there, but once openly recognized, it can’t be denied any longer. And also, when you’re in a certain environment, you can easily forget what you have, what you own within and the happiness it gives you when you are in touch with that. It’s never until you place yourself outside of the situation that you realize why the face was so expressionless and why you felt so drained and why you would cry for no reason. However there was also a sense of calm, when you would cry. Never a sense of anger, despair or resentment towards anybody in your surroundings. It was towards yourself and for ignoring what you knew to be true, just so you wouldn’t hurt anybody else and just so you would do what others felt happiest with. It’s only now you can say that these are your reasons for crying, your reasons for feeling drained, your reasons for not smiling from within. The tears would happen without anything happening around you. It was almost like they would come out of nowhere, there was no explanation. Were you going mad? There was nothing “wrong” in your surroundings and nothing really occurred, so this made you realize, once you had stepped away from the situation (and headed to Asia and started to rediscover yourself), that it was you and it really wasn’t him. As the cliché goes in all movies or tv series: “It’s not you, it’s me”, it really did apply to you deciding to go it alone again.

Now, speaking from me to you once again: Yes, deciding to go to Asia, showed me all I knew. It gave me the answers I was looking for, OR it made me ask myself the right questions to which I already knew the answers. This is when I realized things between the2 of us were going to change, they would never be the same. Not after the people I had crossed paths with and all that I had learnt by opening my eyes to what it is in life I wanted next. I didn’t even WANT things to be the same again. Ideas and longings were starting to bubble up inside of me, I couldn’t switch them off any longer. And if I had chosen to go back to the same living circumstances as before I went to Asia, then those bubbles inside of me would have burst. I didn’t want them to. They made me feel so alive!

In my writing, it may have become clear or apparent that I hardly gave Jason a mention, as I typed so eagerly about how beautiful and wonderful my trip in Asia was and also about the amazement I felt at Confest. This is not out of disrespect towards him, but it was instead me writing about how things were happening and expressing how overwhelmed I was with the brilliance of every situation I came across, of every person I spoke with and of every event that came my way. And during all of this, he simply wasn’t there. That’s why he wasn’t mentioned. It wasn’t due to me not thinking of him, or of me being heartless and leaving him behind as I ventured out and threw myself into different experiences. I was writing simply how things were between us. And when I say “between us”, I can mean to say that there was indeed a “between” in between the 2 of us. A distance between and a view towards life from different levels. That’s all.

This distance; it happens so often and it can be sad. But, no, actually I’m not going to call it sad or shameful. And this is not me trying to justify things or trying to paint a beautiful picture in the hope of me being the most “outstanding” of the image I’m sketching, really it’s not. I’m only saying how I see it now and felt it then. The way things have planned out and the way in which we got to live together, I’m going to call: an amazing adventure, a lesson I’ll cherish forever, an experience I’m blessed to have had and a reminder to ALWAYS be and act how I feel on the inside. I’ll not be sad but I’ll be happy that we were apart of each others lives. I’ll not be angry at how the other deals with the situation, but I’ll understand and learn from this. I’ll be forever grateful for all the opportunities that he presented me with. On the other hand I’ll never feel guilty for how much was offered and how little I, in the end, chose to take. I’ll never feel like I’ve done wrong by following my heart and I’ll be aware that, whatever happens down the line with our friendship, I did everything I could to hold our bond close to my heart. No matter what others may say.

So, at the train station in Swan Hill, on the 6th of Jan, I left. I couldn’t look back, I just walked away. Not heartbroken but aware of the step I was taking. I couldn’t tell him where I was going, or what I would be doing. I didn’t know myself at that point either. We would remain in touch, that’s all I could say. From a distance however..

This was the start of a few crazy days.. more to come xx

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