My perspective

To follow up on the last post.. This goes more deeply.. Maybe explains things a little too much. Feel free to skip..

Speaking from the outsider who’s looking in: Isn’t it so easy to stay in a situation and ignore what you know in your heart to be true, just for fear of what the majority of people, or one person in particular, might think of you? Their opinion could change as you take certain actions, all because they are in disagreement. So the routine continues and sometimes that long, drawn out, expressionless face is staring back at you, on too much of a regular basis, as you look in the mirror. But you don‘t know why. You ask yourself: is it work? Is it lack of space? Is it lack of energy? You have no clue, so you carry on. And the reason why you don’t have a clue, is because you don’t take the time to sit and ask yourself these questions. Why don’t you ask? For fear of what you’ll see as, deep down, you already know the answer. It’s there, but once openly recognized, it can’t be denied any longer. And also, when you’re in a certain environment, you can easily forget what you have, what you own within and the happiness it gives you when you are in touch with that. It’s never until you place yourself outside of the situation that you realize why the face was so expressionless and why you felt so drained and why you would cry for no reason. However there was also a sense of calm, when you would cry. Never a sense of anger, despair or resentment towards anybody in your surroundings. It was towards yourself and for ignoring what you knew to be true, just so you wouldn’t hurt anybody else and just so you would do what others felt happiest with. It’s only now you can say that these are your reasons for crying, your reasons for feeling drained, your reasons for not smiling from within. The tears would happen without anything happening around you. It was almost like they would come out of nowhere, there was no explanation. Were you going mad? There was nothing “wrong” in your surroundings and nothing really occurred, so this made you realize, once you had stepped away from the situation (and headed to Asia and started to rediscover yourself), that it was you and it really wasn’t him. As the cliché goes in all movies or tv series: “It’s not you, it’s me”, it really did apply to you deciding to go it alone again.

Now, speaking from me to you once again: Yes, deciding to go to Asia, showed me all I knew. It gave me the answers I was looking for, OR it made me ask myself the right questions to which I already knew the answers. This is when I realized things between the2 of us were going to change, they would never be the same. Not after the people I had crossed paths with and all that I had learnt by opening my eyes to what it is in life I wanted next. I didn’t even WANT things to be the same again. Ideas and longings were starting to bubble up inside of me, I couldn’t switch them off any longer. And if I had chosen to go back to the same living circumstances as before I went to Asia, then those bubbles inside of me would have burst. I didn’t want them to. They made me feel so alive!

In my writing, it may have become clear or apparent that I hardly gave Jason a mention, as I typed so eagerly about how beautiful and wonderful my trip in Asia was and also about the amazement I felt at Confest. This is not out of disrespect towards him, but it was instead me writing about how things were happening and expressing how overwhelmed I was with the brilliance of every situation I came across, of every person I spoke with and of every event that came my way. And during all of this, he simply wasn’t there. That’s why he wasn’t mentioned. It wasn’t due to me not thinking of him, or of me being heartless and leaving him behind as I ventured out and threw myself into different experiences. I was writing simply how things were between us. And when I say “between us”, I can mean to say that there was indeed a “between” in between the 2 of us. A distance between and a view towards life from different levels. That’s all.

This distance; it happens so often and it can be sad. But, no, actually I’m not going to call it sad or shameful. And this is not me trying to justify things or trying to paint a beautiful picture in the hope of me being the most “outstanding” of the image I’m sketching, really it’s not. I’m only saying how I see it now and felt it then. The way things have planned out and the way in which we got to live together, I’m going to call: an amazing adventure, a lesson I’ll cherish forever, an experience I’m blessed to have had and a reminder to ALWAYS be and act how I feel on the inside. I’ll not be sad but I’ll be happy that we were apart of each others lives. I’ll not be angry at how the other deals with the situation, but I’ll understand and learn from this. I’ll be forever grateful for all the opportunities that he presented me with. On the other hand I’ll never feel guilty for how much was offered and how little I, in the end, chose to take. I’ll never feel like I’ve done wrong by following my heart and I’ll be aware that, whatever happens down the line with our friendship, I did everything I could to hold our bond close to my heart. No matter what others may say.

So, at the train station in Swan Hill, on the 6th of Jan, I left. I couldn’t look back, I just walked away. Not heartbroken but aware of the step I was taking. I couldn’t tell him where I was going, or what I would be doing. I didn’t know myself at that point either. We would remain in touch, that’s all I could say. From a distance however..

This was the start of a few crazy days.. more to come xx

Breaking away

After Confest things started happening pretty quickly. I felt they needed to start happening, so I simply made them happen. On our last morning at the festival, which was the 5th of January, I needed to leave. The festival was over and the urge I had to get going, in whatever direction, was huge. It had been an amazing 9 days, but the end of it, hadn’t come a moment too soon. It was time to hit the open road. It was time for me “to make like trees, and leave”. This was me, this was my time once again, this is what needed to be done.

We first of all headed to Swan Hill. The drive took us an hour or so. And out of all the hours we traveled in the van and sat next to each other like that, this was probably the one I’ll not soon forget. It was a strange 1 hour. I knew it was going to be the last time, and so did Jason. I hadn’t a clue where I was going or what I was doing. So we both had no more words, it was just a silence between us. It was so nice. Jason and I had done all we could in order to go our separate ways, on as good terms as possible. I didn’t feel the need in procrastinating (which is to postpone and drag out the inevitable). However, it was up to my to be strong in saying: “bring me to the station”. Especially when I could have stayed in the van until I knew where I wanted to go. He wanted me to stay until I had a plan. But, no, it felt so wrong being suddenly in his space, his van, his “home”. I felt to be too much. Even though for 6 months it had slowly become also my “home” and my space.

We got to the station, I asked the girl behind the counter, when the next train to Melbourne was. It was the following morning, I had just missed the 2nd and only train to the city that day, by 5 minutes. I couldn‘t believe it. After a time of sitting by myself and contemplating I had to start persuading myself to be reasonable and adaptable, and that’s when I decided to NOT just get on a bus to any random town where I’d have to book a hotel for the night and make an extra long journey to get to Melbourne. Instead I booked a ticket for the following morning and was going to stay another day with Jason. In a way this made things a little bit trickier as the inevitable was put on hold for another 24 hours, but I knew what I wanted and, once my ticket was booked, there was no going back.

Why Melbourne? Well, there really was no other place of any significance to get to from Swan Hill. I knew that I had to get a place where I had options again. Somewhere I could catch either plane, a bus or a train to wherever.. without any restrictions. I had to be in a place where I could branch out even further. A place I could “base” myself and have time to be by myself and think of what my next step was going to be and where it was going to take me. I booked the ticket and felt amazing. It felt so good to know I had made the decision and stuck to it! This was the easy part.

The difficult part came the following morning when it was time to say goodbye and catch the train. It brought up a lot of different feelings. I was closing a chapter of my travels, of my Australian adventure, one that had abruptly come to an end.. All my own doing, so feelings of regret I didn‘t own. I knew I had done all I could to maintain the bond we had built-up over the past 6 months. But still, I was breaking away from the security he offered me, from the van that I had helped make into a “homely” environment since the very beginning, from the adventures we still could have had whilst touring around, from job opportunities offering me the potential to spread my wings even further, throughout the months to come and most importantly, I was breaking away from a dear friend who I grown so close to since we first set out on the road-trip back on the 26th of May. He still would have happily given me these things, for as long as I wanted.

So I was well aware of what I was leaving and breaking away from. It didn’t stop me though. Was I totally unaffected? No, not totally. But was I heartless, seeing as though, in the midst of feeling many different things, a sense of freedom and adventure was starting to make its’ presence felt? Was I made of stone, because I had no tears to cry? I walked away not knowing what the next weeks were going to bring, let alone the next 24 hours. I didn’t know if or when I was going to see Jason again, I didn’t know if I was making a big mistake by venturing out alone with no sense of direction, I basically had no clue. So why no tears Niamh? I’ve thought about it many times, since then and have concluded that the sense of freedom overruled all the other feelings. It’s the feeling I love the most. That’s why I had no tears to cry. At that moment of stepping onto the train, I knew so little of how I was going to put myself “out there“ in the physical world, after leaving the spirit of Confest and leaving Jasons‘ stable environment, and it didn’t phase me in the slightest. So the physical direction I was taking was unknown, as I walked away. But on the other hand, I knew so well the direction I was heading for, both mentally and emotionally. This to me felt more natural and secure than any amount of stability in the form of “things” people claim to need in life, in order to be happy.

Why would I choose to let materialistic things keep in me a particular environment that no longer brings out the side of me I like? It’s all well and good to try and live your life based around things that are certain, so you never are faced with the unknown and you always know what next month will bring, or hope to know. Yes, I’m aware we need to sustain ourselves. But does security and work really offer ALL that a person can need in life? It doesn’t offer me, at this moment in time, what I want or need. I knew this for a while, but never found the courage to act on those feelings.

But now I finally found that courage.. More to come xx