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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Getting it sorted! Part III

Getting it sorted! Part III

Too much was going through my head over the course of the past week and it reached it’s peak, Tuesday afternoon. Why? Well, I was running out of time. The courses I was choosing between, were all starting on the same date, they were all putting pressure on me, through their emails, that I needed to make up my mind as they only had 1 spot left and they were holding it for me! I got the point of nearly being in tears, because I was so torn between these 2 courses. I wanted both so badly. Then I had panic attacks, I was feeling sick, my bowls were reacting too (sorry for the details). At that point I really needed someone to come along and say: “Niamh..just go for this one or that one!.” But there was no one. So I had to do it by myself. And it was almost like I was incapable of making a choice. I nearly wanted to do absolutely nothing, just for fear of choosing the wrong one. But I suddenly thought: if both are wrong, then both can’t both also be right? If I want them both, then what does it matter? Both are amazing experiences, if that’s the approach I have and if that’s what I make them out to be.

So, I had to stop thinking, book the course I first planned on doing. I paid everything in full so there was no going back. I then had a minor breakdown. I closed the door and was feeling so sick with fear, doubt, regret, loneliness. Every emotion, not of the good nature, was rushing through me and I was going into overdrive almost. But I calmed myself down and then I felt strong and contained enough to book the flights. I was on a role, so I had to keep the momentum going. Again, another minor panic attack struck me followed by a sickly feeling once again which was accompanied by some fear, doubt, regret, loneliness - what a familiar pattern this was turning out to be! - I got over it just as quick as the first attack and everything became clear. The fear had been replaced with relief, the doubt had been replaced with certainty, the regret had been replaced with gratitude and the loneliness had been replaced with strength. And the sum of all of these emotions: Excitement!! Everything felt amazing. This was what I needed. This was really going to happen!

The beauty of this whole process, I discovered only this morning, was that I did it all on my own! Nobody has influenced me - even though yesterday I wanted to ring somebody, anybody, for their influence or input, as I wasn’t able to think or see clearly anymore - nobody has coaxed me, or persuaded me. I wasn’t told what would work out better for me in the long run or what would suit the person I am. I did it all myself! And since then I haven’t shared my enthusiasm or plans with hardly anybody. Those I have shared it with, their reaction didn’t meet the enthusiasm I felt on the inside (except for one or two people). Even this fact hasn’t effected me. It didn’t make me doubt that I was making a mistake. Nor did it make me want to convince them that what I’m doing is amazing - because I know myself what’s real and true. I know all I need to know so I don‘t have to convince others. This was such a reassuring feeling revealing that what I’m doing is for all the right reasons; which I feel that are right ones for me. This feels so natural and normal for me (apart from the 2 minor panic attacks). It’s just another step that I’m taking.

What exactly is this step? Well, I’m going to be leaving Oz and I’m heading to a place I’ve wanted to go to for quite some years now. My next stop is India!! A place that really is calling me. I’ve known for months it was going to be the place I simply had to go to. Since I was in Cairns, in July, it’s what I’ve been aiming for and working towards. The hours on the farm, were all in aid of this adventure. And when I got to Thailand in December, I knew that India wouldn’t be too far off. And it’s not. I’m going sooner than I expected. At the same time, it’s what I had hoped would happen. And another reason for me hoping it would all happen soon was that “long term planning” is something I don’t really do. And therefore this step simply had to be fast. In July I had January or February in my head but thought in reality it would take a lot longer to sort everything out. But 2 weeks is all it took and I’m leaving on Saturday morning! That’s it!

The 30th of January I’m flying to Kuala Lumpur. I spend the night in the city and on Sunday the 31st I fly to Cochin, in the state of Kerala (south east coast), where I’ll be picked-up from the airport, brought to my accommodation and Monday morning I start the course! The course is to be an English teacher in foreign countries. It’s provided through Tesol, which is an American language institute, giving English teaching courses and job placements in just about any country in the world! I’ve wanted to try this for years, and I’m finally doing it. I could have chosen from so many other countries, but with me only being able to think and dream of India, there was no question as to where I should do it. The course lasts for 3 weeks. Afterwards there’s a few weeks off and then we should get offered a job placement of a certain amount of months, depending on personal preferences. I can’t believe sometimes how it’s worked out. Really I can’t.

In some ways it’s a lot to be dealing with: leaving Oz for good, going to a place so overwhelming and diving into the world of teaching straight away.. All within the space of 3 days. I can’t believe it. But I’m not scared or anxious. I feel pretty stress-free and am still chilling out here in Brisbane, as my last day in Oz will soon be starting. I’m just taking each experience as it comes. I’ll deal with each one, as it comes along, and everything will follow the path it’s meant to follow and I’ll happily go along that path, being grateful and feeling blessed for all that comes my way!

You can sure I’ll be keeping you posted on how the next few days go!!

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