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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Getting it sorted! Part I

Today, the 27th of January.. Yesterday, the 26th of January. I woke up and knew it was going to be a big day. I wasn’t at all wrong. It was big in the sense that I had to finally make a decision. And it happened! But easy it was not, I can tell you. After days of deliberating, hesitating, doubting I was feeling all the more torn, distraught, excited and confused. I contemplated to the point of not knowing what the word contemplation actually meant.

It seems to be the thing I’m doing the most: Making decisions. But everyday, every single person on this earth has to make choices and live by these choices. So why do I always seems to struggle when it comes to this “thing” in life which leads me to where I want to go; the “thing” being the decision making process. It’s because the choices can be pretty major, when I realize or try to figure out what the consequences of my actions could be. So every decision is risk. Life is risk and we’re just playing the game..

What did this particular “decision making process” regard? Well, I’ll go back a few weeks and tell the story from the start (oh no, here she goes again!!). I arrived here in Brisbane around the 9th of January, feeling tired, relieved, happy, calm, settled, excited and eager. My days were gorgeous, the weather was hot, the surroundings so peaceful, and the company was perfect. I had my own room, double bed, books, journal, swimming pool, sun and hours of time to enjoy it all! Everyday I practised yoga and really got inspired by just about everything. One day flowed into the next. And with so much time, what else was I to do, besides be so happy, but process all that had gone on over the past weeks and months. As well I was able to figure out what my next step would be and how best to approach it and make it a reality.

The options were endless in my head. Each day, the visions would float around, teasing me almost, with what I could possibly experience. They were driving me, motivating me. Each night as I would watch tv, I wouldn’t actually be tuned-in to what was on the screen, instead I was dreaming: I was everywhere in the world, except in the sitting room sitting on the sofa next to Wayne, as the commercial-breaks were trying to convince me that their product was the best. This world, this world, this world.. So many different approaches and lifestyles to sample. This one I was currently experiencing, was one I felt, in the bigger picture of my life, that I had sampled a lot of. And I didn’t want it to become too much and then for the appreciation to disappear. But which lifestyle did I want more of? I knew the answer to that all along..

But.. Before deciding when and how to get to that beautiful place I’ve been dreaming of, I had to decide whether or not Ireland was calling me at this present time. The end of February is my godson (!!!!)Cians christening. The past weeks, I did nothing other than try to figure out if I was able to travel to a beautiful continent as well as visit the beautiful family back home. Would my finances allow it? Would my time allow it? Would my conscious allow it? I was so close to my dream becoming reality, that to risk losing it by returning to Ireland for a visit - due to either losing my motivation as well as finding myself low in funds - was something I wasn’t sure I’d be able to live with. Days went by and I was bending my balance in every which way it would allow me to bend. But it wasn’t flexible. Not by a long-shot. So. When it comes to decisions in life, I started to see that even though we can want so much in life, we can’t have everything all at once. And to make one thing happen we have to fully focus on it. Or else we go through life just dreaming and talking but never acting and so the decisions can remain unmade and things are never seen through.

I posed myself with the question: Do I want to go home, at the end of February to visit for a while? Of course I did. So much so, that it was keeping me from my sleep. But was I able to go home and still follow through these visions that I would be having as I’d sit and watch telly each night? The answer was simple: No. So, I then asked myself: could I live with myself, if going to Ireland would turn out to be the reason for me NOT having that dream come true? I’d have dealt with it, but it would have been a missed opportunity..

Last week I felt that my dream was so close. I could almost reach out and touch it, feel it, see it. It was right there. I was making it happen. And because it was all happening in real life too, as the practicalities slowly fell into place, I was so sure that this was my time. It was not yet my time to visit Ireland. I had to face facts. Plans needed to get underway. And for these plans to start taking off, I had to contact home and break the news that I wasn’t coming back at the end of February for Cian’s christening. I really wanted to do everything in my power to get back for that special occasion. But the circumstances just weren’t allowing it, not yet anyhow. I had to follow this plan through that was almost taking place, my plan, but not until home knew what I was facing, I wasn’t yet in that plan.. So I put my idea and myself “out there”. And of course, they were so supportive and understanding! It was so amazing. That kind of understanding struck so much inside of me. It was almost heartbreaking to suddenly say that I wouldn’t be back just yet. And that came as a shock because I’m not homesick. Not at this point in time anyhow. But I still felt awful. Usually when big decisions take so long to make, it can be relief when they’re made. Instead, I felt the opposite! I felt like I was letting everyone down, and myself too. Because I had my heart so set on it. But everything soon settled and there was no more guilt and I didn’t feel selfish for choosing to pursue this dream. I knew it would be fine.

This was only the beginning.. More to come!

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